Friday, February 29, 2008

Prevuze In Peril

This is the forest Prevuze. The murmuring pines and the hemlocks,

Bearded with moss, and in garments green, indistinct in the twilight,

Stand like dudes of eld, with voices sad and prophetic,

Stand like harpers ho, with beards that rest on their bosoms.

Few have had the courage to traverse the Prevuze Compound, nestled deep within the dark Prevuze Forest in the Kingdom of Prevuzia. Here, daily, teams of dedicated and talented technicians tirelessly work to capture top-secret transmissions, interpret their content and bring you that infamous literary effort, Prevuze. To cross the miles of treacherous terrain on the Prevuze Compound requires the skills of a Navy Seal, the strength of a Marine, the deep-woods instincts of Native Americans and the tenacity of Hope Brady on a mission for another tidbit of gossip.

The Prevuze Compound is so remote the Federal Government has classified it as The Area 51 Annex. In order to bring the all-important satellite signal into Prevuze HQ, the satellite dish sits on the perimeter of the Compound and a single unburied cable extends across the miles of hostile landscape. The route is so harsh, burying the cable would have been impossible. It took the same team that laid the Alaskan Pipeline to install the Prevuze Cable.

In one of the most remote areas of the Compound lies an uncharted, uninhabited wasteland known only as Mordor II. Here, the Prevuze Cable crosses the mighty Prevuze River. At this point, the cable runs several feet above the ground in order to cross the deadly Prevuze Chasm.

Recent torrential rains flooded the Mighty Prevuze River. A logjam just past the cable area exacerbated the near-Biblical event by holding back the floodwaters and significantly increasing the time it took for them to recede. For days, the banks of the Mighty Prevuze stood underwater and softened. The softening, in turn caused a large walnut tree to lean toward the river creating a new landmark, The Leaning Tree of Prevuze. In and of itself, this would not be a significant thing, BUT...

DUMB-DA-DUMB-DUMB

The Leaning Tree of Prevuze leaned right into the Prevuze Cable! Daily, the tree leans a little more and stretches the Prevuze Cable ever tighter. The Prevuze Cable is now approaching the breaking point.

Now, a perilous quest awaits the Prevuze team. Somehow, we either have to get that cable on the other side of the offending tree, or we have to release enough slack in the cable so that WHEN the tree falls, it won't take the cable with it. Cutting down the tree above the cable would almost certainly break it.

As we see it, we have two options, neither one really good.

First (and this is probably the preferable option) we can check the bowels of Prevuze HQ to see if there is enough cable to allow us to extend it outside and provide enough slack that the cable can sit at the base of the tree and (we hope) won't be harmed when the tree goes. The problem here is working our way back through the un-navigable territory to slacken the cable which we know is wound around at least one additional tree that would have to be cut down.

The second option would be to deliberately cut the cable and re-splice it on the other side of the tree. I don't have to tell you the problems associated with that option. If we don't get it spliced right – no Prevuze. And then there is the issue of getting down there in the first place. We could hire someone to do it, but the aforementioned crew that built the Alaskan pipeline is no longer available.

So that's it. We'll have to keep you posted on this one. Of course, if you wake up one morning and there is no Prevuze, you can pretty well guess the cause.

Send us ideas if you have them, and we'll be sure to...

WAITAMINUTE! DAVID COPPERFIELD! Oh, yeah, I think I read where he's busy. I wonder what Penn and Teller are up to.

26 Comments:

Blogger Mike said...

I heard from a little birdie that Radio Shanty has a cable stretcher on sale this weekend. Might wanna get one.

Mike

6:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cut the tree down. it is falling anyway

6:09 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

I don't know about Teller but Penn is gearing up for Dancing With the Stars.

If I wake up and there's no Prevuze it would be more than I could take!

I'd go for the cable stretcher. Get any local, state, federal agency involved if necessary since I think this would be declared a state of emergency.

How am I going to sleep now?? :O

6:12 AM  
Anonymous theresa said...

I'm with Bulldog. Some problems should just be kept from the children! We are now worried sick this tree is going to cut right into our addiction and DTs are NOT fun!

I can't believe you have this exposed cable and you haven't had any problem! The fire ants here would have eaten straight through it.

What about someone holding the cable and the other cut the tree down? (insert your redneck joke here)

Or put something over the cable to protect it. PVC??? .... Titanium??? .... Duct tape???

Do you need us to fly to Canada to get this done? If so, where is this place you call Canada? My Texas neighbors say it's in north Texas.

7:13 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

The fire ants here would have eaten straight through it.

Not even fire ants can survive in Mordor II.

7:20 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

I had to read through this report twice. (And laughed harder the second time than the first.)

And, tell the truth, the Alaskan pipeline layers didn't just leave, did they? Once they had laid the cable Prevuze had to "take care" of them so no one would know the location of Prevuze HQ! Right?

I'd offer to help, but don't want to end up at the bottom of some Modor II ravine, being savaged by fierce cousins of Killer.

BUT, I'll be worried sick until the problem is taken care of. I'm sure Caroline would offer to take everyone to the nearest church and pray for the tree's roots to hold fast.

Um, well, given some of Prevuze's snarks at Caroline, maybe she wouldn't.

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wrap thick rope, or chain, if you have it, around the tree. Attach the rope/chain to a truck and drive in the opposite direction from the tree. Once tree is off of cable, cut down tree...carefully, so you don't smash truck. Good Luck!

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cut the tree down. it is falling anyway

I wish it were that easy. Where the tree hits the cable, it's about four to five feet above the ground, and the ground is muddy and unstable. The cut would have to be a minimum of six feet up. Then, when the tree falls, it's going to hit the tops of other trees, which are out of the picture, most likely causing it to slide backwards and hit the cable on the way down. That would almost certainly rip the cable like a hot knife going through butter.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

Wrap thick rope, or chain, if you have it, around the tree. Attach the rope/chain to a truck and drive in the opposite direction from the tree. Once tree is off of cable, cut down tree...carefully, so you don't smash truck. Good Luck!

Great idea. Unfortunately, we couldn't drive a truck into Mordor II if we had to. A Sherman Tank might make it.

8:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anybody have a spare tank they could loan to Prevuze???

8:04 AM  
Anonymous theresa said...

Great idea. Unfortunately, we couldn't drive a truck into Mordor II if we had to. A Sherman Tank might make it.

OK we're making progress... How about oxen or horses?

don't laugh, our ancestors (and my cousin Bubba) use them

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's going to be tough, but I have an idea. It just might work.

Cordon off a 1/2 mile radius from the offending tree. On the outskirts of this area, dig a 2ft x 2ft. trench. Wrap all exposed cable in the cordoned area with FR-106 Fire Retardant Selective Laser Sintering (LS) material. Having a couple of industrial fire extinguishers handy, torch the confined area. Burn it and the offending tree to the ground. Sure it's not good for the environment or it's natural inhabitants, but still, we have our priorities. The Kingdom of Prevuzia must remain intact and functional. Transmissions must continue at all costs. Accelerants should be fairly easy to come by.

Keep us posted. We'll all rest easier when we see the smoke.

9:04 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Ack! Something must be done! I have no idea what but there seems to be some good ideas out there as shown by previous posters. Wish we could help somehow...maybe I'll try sending some positive brain waves to the tree, willing it to stand tall. If John can communicate to Marlena when he's in a coma, and Bo and Hope always "know" when something is wrong with the other, I don't see why this wouldn't work.

9:25 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

How about oxen or horses?

All living things are terrified to venture into Mordor II. They go catatonic. On occasion, Killer chases squirrels down into the area and watches with fiendish delight as the troll guarding the perimeter eats them.

torch the confined area.

I can read the headline now, "PREVUZE ARRESTED. WORLD'S LARGEST METHAMPHETAMINE OPERATION SUSPECTED."

9:26 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

I'll try sending some positive brain waves

Keep it up. It may be working. I think the tree just inched back a bit.

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great Saturday Prevuze. The suggestions have been as funny as the post itself. And what creative suggestions they have been! Here's one:

On occasion, Killer chases squirrels down into the area and watches with fiendish delight as the troll guarding the perimeter eats them. I understand trolls are pretty strong. Any stray revenuers or tax collectors available? Throw a couple the troll's way and perhaps he will push the tree over to fall the other way.

Today's post almost makes working on the first decent Saturday in memory bearable.

KOTU

9:47 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

OK, ,I looked at the picture of the errant tree again. Solution is: take a chain saw and notch the tree where the cable is, cutting above and below the cable to form a "V" notch. This will lessen the tension on the cable and not cause the tree to fall. Then cut the tree above the notch and the roots will then return to their normal state. You can then cut the stump off and all in well in Prevuze land.

Mike

12:27 PM  
Blogger Judy said...

In the diagram below, X represents the satellite dish and Y represents the opposite end of the cable. The 'o' represents the tree over which the cable stretches at 4-5' above the ground.

X---------o________Y

Now, I need a couple of answers to questions:

1) can you access the cable at o? X? Y?
2) does the cable disconnect from X or Y relatively easily?

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Theresa said...

1) can you access the cable at o? X? Y?
2) does the cable disconnect from X or Y relatively easily?


somebody wake me when the calculus lesson is over!

I guess if all else fails, call the Calculus teacher!

3:01 PM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

1) can you access the cable at o? X? Y?
2) does the cable disconnect from X or Y relatively easily?


I see where you're going with this. Great thought, but it's the disconnect that kills it.

1) Yes, but it ain't easy.
2) No. At the dish, you have dish electronics to mess with and the cable is actually buried up to the boundary of Mordor II. On the receiver end there are exactly 8,472,193 wires to pull. OK, that was an exaggeration. There are 8,472,192.

We also finally got down and checked the bowels of the Prevuze HQ (Charon was in a good mood and let us in) and found a splice down there on the inside that will not fit through the conduit to the outside.

Our only hope is to find enough slack outside to work it back to the tree or we're going to have to resort to splicing it.

If we do the splice, we'll hope it holds for a while and plan to do it next weekend when we will have two days to scramble if we mess it up. Of course we'll probably have a cold snap and find ourselves working in sub-zero weather.

Great idea, but we can't unhook either end.

The more I think about this, the more I agree with Theresa. I've got to believe the solution somehow involves duct tape.

Thanks.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Firstfall said...

I sent an e-mail to you involving a come-along and another tree that my husband came up with. Hope it helps! I love reading Prevuze every morning and would have seen today's sooner if I hadn't woken up with a smashing headache, which delayed my weekend check of your blog. Good luck!

5:48 PM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

Update: We just returned back to the Prevuze Compound with the March winds living up to their reputation. The winds are very strong from the southwest to the northeast. If they were blowing the other direction, we'd be surprised if the tree were still standing. In a sense, however, the wind is helping to hold it up. Tomorrow we'll begin checking to see if we can get enough slack in the cable and go from there.

Thanks to all who have made suggestions and sent their best wishes here in the comments and private emails. We really appreciate your support.

In another vein, I had some questions about the poem at the beginning of this posting. It is, shall we say, "patterned after" Evangeline by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Our sincere apologies to HWL.

1:15 PM  
Anonymous Cindyjh said...

Personally, I think that you should have Stephano come take care of it.....I mean, he can do anything, can't he?

He transformed Andre into a Tony look alike, which then transforms into a Roman look alike, so he can murder Doc, no I mean Samantha (as in Marlena's twin sister)......

Then of course, he rescued Hope from a vat of acid, and then turn her into Princess Gina by planting a chip in her brain.....

He hid Tony on a deserted, unchartered tropical island for say 20 years or so......

He turned the Pawn into Roman (of course, maybe he wouldn't have done that if he knew back then that the Pawn was actually his half-brother John/Ryan).

He inpregnanted Susan by looking like Elvis so that Susan could fake being Kristen so that Kristen could give John a baby (again, would he have done this if he knew who John was).

He's pretty good at baby switching, i.e. Isaac and JT.

He's like a phoenix and has risen from the ashes time and time again.

He has also resurrected at least two people from the dead (again, would he have really done John if he knew who John was?).

A little thing like a cable should be a pice of cake for him and his henchmen.......

6:27 PM  
Blogger DaysDivaDonna said...

Well, it sounds like you all are taking care of business . . . even if it doesn't help the tree situation. Whatever you do, though, DON'T GET HELP FROM THE SALEM PD!!! I'll bet Max Brady could help; he was pretty imaginative when it came to hiding, then disposing of, a dead guy. Is Dr Rolf available? I'm sure he could invent something real quick.

May the fauna force be with you!

8:19 PM  
Anonymous evilgenius said...

Let the cable snap, then continue to post Prevuze and hope that it roughly matches up with the actual show. I think Days is predictable enough for you to pull this off.

2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Call McGyver. He will bring a paper clip and all will be solved....

6:50 AM  

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