Dimitri's Mistress

Reverend: "Marriage is a commitment for life." In Salem is that just a commitment until the first time someone dies or does it continue through all the times they die and come back to life? #DAYS

Leo's consolation is that he can wind up being Dimitri's mistress. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Eric: "I'm going to be a father." Roman: "So Sloan is…" Eric: "I think the word you're looking for is 'pregnant.'" Roman: "No… that's not it." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Rafe: "We should take off." Jada: "You mean leave the wedding?" Rafe: "I meant our clothes but I guess we should leave the wedding first." #DAYS

Stamping A Tramp

Rafe knocks. Jada towels up and opens the door. Does anyone in Salem either come to a door or answer a door fully dressed? #DAYS

Sloan's dream… the last time any seasoned #DOOL watcher didn't catch on that a ridiculous situation was a dream was in 1967 when Alice Dreamed Tom left her and joined Elizabeth Taylor's endless string of husbands. #DAYS

Stefan to Gabi: "This time the 'till death do us part' thing is real." It was real the last time he died. #DAYS

Now that Jada could be pregnant, maybe she should go to Gabi's wedding as Rafe's Plus 1½. #DAYS

Technically, Kristen's tattoo is in the wrong place to be called a "tramp stamp" but on her any tattoo would be stamping a tramp. #DAYS

This double wedding will be a bigger disaster than another double event… Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Too soon? #DAYS

Gabi and Gwen are both dressed in white. Symbolism ain't what it used to be. #DAYS

Yuck

RELATIONSHIP RECAP…
Gwen: "Nice to meet you."
Dimitri: "Nice to meet you, too. Let's have sex.
Gwen: "Thought you'd never ask."
Dimitri: "The sex was great. Let's get married."
Gwen: "You've swept me off my feet. Let's romp again before the wedding."
Dimitri: "Yuck."

Theo: "Is there a chance Dad will not remember us?" About as much chance as you have of winning Powerball ten times in a row. #DAYS

Whitley: "You're Charlemagne Delacroix." Marlena: "That's a fictional character. I'm Dr. Marlena Evans." Also a fictional character, but let's not split hairs. #DAYS

Gwen has a lower IQ than the tacky suit Leo is showing her. #DAYS

New Sins To Commit

Stephanie wonders if there is anything she can do to make Chad enjoy the evening. Well, there's always the Barbie movie. #DAYS

Alex says after therapy he wonders how a guy could be so afraid of commitment. Well, for one, he could wind up committed to someone like Melinda. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Melinda: "Why don't we atone for our sins?" Li: "Sure. And let's see if we can think of some new sins to commit." #DAYS

It's A Gift

Belle to Kristin: "What do you get by sending Brady to prison?" Uh… Rachel? #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Eric: "You threatened Kristen with a gun?" Brady: "Yes." Eric: "How could you be so stupid?" Brady: "It's a gift." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Sloan: "Why did you record what Li was saying." Melinda: "There is part of me that always wants to win, and it's stronger than the part of me that wants to have sex." #DAYS

Sex

Scenes we'd like to see: Chad leaves a sweet little note taped to Stephanie's computer screen. Stephanie breaks up with him for gumming up the screen. #DAYS

Whitley to Abe: "I love you. You love me." Now that damn Barney song will be running through my head all day. #DAYS

Kayla tells Rafe and Jada that Abe is alive. As usual, the SPD is the last to know. #DAYS

Alex showed up and borrowed my robe. Then Stephanie gave him the boot." Theo: "He borrowed your robe but only one boot?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Alex: "I'm jealous of what you and Chad have." Stephanie: "What do you think we have?" Alex: "Sex." #DAYS

Watching Soap Operas Rots Your Mind

It's a miracle the bus from Chicago arrived on time. It's more of a miracle that John and Steve's plane landed on time. #DAYS

Abe: "I don't know who anyone is anymore." Your mind is rotting. You've been watching Body and Soul. That's what watching soap operas does to people's minds. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Kayla: "Witley came to me to tender her resignation." Marlena: "How do you Tinder a resignation?" Kayla: "You find your job and swipe left." #DAYS

I Nailed Her

Tripp and Wendy cancel their plans to go to the beach. Dang. There goes our chance to see Wendy in a bikini. #DAYS

Johnny: "EJ is the father of Nicole's baby. But you can't go spreading that around." Rafe: "Who am I going to tell?" The world? #DAYS

Sloan: "I'm late." Eric: "You mean you might be pregnant?" Do these people have any idea how these things work? #DAYS

Li: "I'm seeing a different side of you." Melinda: "And I'm seeing a different side of you." I have a feeling they'll be seeing a whole lot more of each other… Either that or Melinda is setting Li up. #DAYS

Jada: "Making love to Rafe Hernandez is the bomb." He bombs out every time? #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Jada: "Rafe is on my mind." Talya: "From what I've heard he's been on more than your mind." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Rafe: "I violated department policy." Johnny: "So you and Detective Hunter..." Rafe: "Yep. We did it. I nailed her like I was Thor's hammer on a mission." #DAYS

Well-Hung

Lani goes from being on the lam to being on the floor. #DAYS

Rachel is doing a great number on Brady. For one, I'm OK with that. #DAYS

Leo is such a bad liar.  LOLOL. #DAYS

OTOH, Li is a better liar and Gabi is buying it.  #DAYS  

If the contract doesn't specify Dimitri marry a woman, why not see if he can marry Leo (if Dimitri's really gay, that is.  He could be scamming Leo, too.)  #DAYS

Justin: "The best way to keep a secret is to keep your mouth closed." Maggie: "What secret?" The second best way to keep a secret is to make sure there are no eavesdroppers. #DAYS

For someone who does a lot of lying Bonnie isn't very good at it. #DAYS

Li and Melinda hate each other so much they'll soon be on their honeymoon. #DAYS

Xander puts the dart board on the wall: "If I do say so myself I'd says it's very well hung." Yep… they really went there. #DAYS

Justin: "I hear Alex just got a new apartment with all kinds of amenities." Right… a modern kitchen, large living room, and Stephanie across the hall. #DAYS

Bonnie would be better off if she used Crazy Glue instead of lipstick. #DAYS

One drink and Li sweeps Melinda off her feet. If they finish the entire bottle they'll be moving in together. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Paulina: "Lani's on the lam." Rafe: "That is one lucky lamb." #DAYS

Brady: "Go to your room and then we will talk." Rachael: "I don't want to go to my room." Brady: "You can go to your room and then we will talk or you can stay here and we will spank." Rachael: "You can reach me in my room." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Chad: "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" Alex: "I'm trying to set a precedent for Stephanie." #DAYS

Banging Eli

The bad news: There is a writer's strike in Hollywood. The good news: The ones who wrote this episode are now on strike and can't do any more damage. #DAYS

Theo wants to practice his speech before giving it at Abe's funeral. Dear God, I hope this doesn't mean we have to listen to it twice. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Lani: "Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor." Kristen: "Thank goodness we aren't neighbors." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — "I have to go back to prison later today." Kristen: "Then you should be back at your place banging Eli instead of lecturing me." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Marlena: "I am trained to know when someone is lying to me." Brady: "How do you know that?" Marlena: "Their pants burst into flame." #DAYS

Toxic Masculinity

Poor Shawn. The mush in his brain is crowding out the vacuum. #DAYS

Chanel takes a bite of one of her baked muffins, "You are damn good, Chanel." That's what he said. #DAYS

Jada: "Rafe came over to my place and one thing led to another…" When one thing leads to another, we always know what "the other" is. #DAYS

Mayor Rawlings is a real sweetheart. I can see a day in the future when he gets his come-Abe-ance. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Patch: "I'm hip to toxic masculinity." Tripp: "Hip? You're the poster child for it." #DAYS

Jingy

Maggie reminds Alex they are family. So were the Menendez brothers and their parents. #DAYS

Maybe Marlena's hypnosis was effective, but zapping Harris would have been more fun. #DAYS

Her name is Jing-Wen, but they call her Wendy. I'd prefer for them to call her Jingy. #DAYS

Tripp and Johnny agree to be patient in their endless pursuit of Wendy. They'll have to be. That gal's knees are locked together tighter than Fort Knox. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Xander: "Let's do it in the office." Chloe: "Do what? Work?" Xander: "Bite your tongue." #DAYS

Fools Parade

And the fools' parade gathers at Abe's makeshift memorial. #DAYS

EJ: "Where are Meghan and Rolf going" Gabi: "Rolf said something about a submarine." EJ: "OMG! I hope it's not an excursion to see the Titanic." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "You have a drinking problem." Shawn: "I have a wife problem." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — EJ: "I understand why you were hugging Eric. You were comforting each other about Abe." Nicole: "That's all it was. Other than that, Eric and I have pretty much boned ourselves out." #DAYS

Panties That Drop As Fast As A Cannonball

Theo should ask for Jerry Prentiss' autograph. It's not every day you run into a Hollywood A-Lister down at the docks. #DAYS

Li is the mastermind behind the attempt to kill Stephan, yet the Salem Police department lets Stephan and Gabi into the conference room to badger him. Don't you wish the police department in your town was that inept? #DAYS

Even though she would be reluctant to help them, Kristin and EJ come to Marlena "with all due respect," and also because she's the only psychiatrist in town. #DAYS

For a gal who's been around the block a few times, Gwen sure is naive. #DAYS

Gwen is every guy's dream… gullible and wears panties that drop as fast as a cannonball on Jupiter. #DAYS

Gabi to Stefan: "Harris Is a Navy Seal. If he would have had a chance to shoot you he wouldn't have missed." If Harris was a true pro, he would have walked into the room, blown a round into Stefan's brain and walked out in about five seconds. #DAYS

Maghan: "What we have ahead of us is happy days." Be sure to invite Ritchie, Potsie, and the Fonz. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Sarah: "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" Rex: "I'm not that kind of boy." Sarah: "Yeah, but I'm that kind of girl." #DAYS