Friday, December 29, 2006


The doctor talks to Sami and says he will let her know if there are any developments with Lucas. Roman arrives. Sami tells him about Lucas' condition. She also tells him what happened in the cabin. She alters the story when she gets to the EJ part. She says she dragged Lucas back to the road by herself and a trucker stopped and brought them to the hospital.

"That's the most incredible story I ever heard," says Roman.

Sami snorts, "Are you calling me a liar?"

Lexie picks at her food. She says she didn't deserve the third degree, "What if I wasn't a witness?" Abe wants to know if that's the case, why she told Roman she saw what happened.

The brat shows up at Chez Rouge looking for a job. Maggie is stunned.

Dark room. Billie arrives home calling out to see if anyone is there. No answer. She goes through a pile of envelopes and sees the letter from Steve. She slowly opens and reads.

"Dear Billie – saying I didn't know what to say was lame even for me. All I can say in my own defense is consider what a lame show we are on. You deserve better. If you haven't already burned this letter without reading it, I'll answer your questions. I'll tell you what you meant to me."

The devil card's eyes burn. Steve's head spins. He staggers and faints. Kayla finds him and gasps, "Steve! Steve!" Steve huffs and puffs.

Abby and Nick. She asks what he is going to do about Chelsea. Nick thinks if he tells her the truth she'll look at him differently. They go into the Java Café. Nick thinks Chelsea's attitude is an act. Abby makes the, oh so obvious, Cyrano parallel. Nick insists Chelsea could never love him.

The brat tells Maggie about Lonely Splicer. She's changing because of him. She wants the job for her mom, too, who is devastated over Steve and still living with the last guy she broke up with. The brat wants a fresh start for both of them, "I heard the pyro-hooker was thrown in jail for setting Shawn's apartment on fire, so I figured you'd need someone to cover for her. Why not me?"

"Now, that's the Chelsea that I know and love," says Maggie.

Patch's letter goes on and on. The guy Billie met wasn't the real him. The feelings were real, though. She's a good woman. He let her down. If things had turned out different... she was good for him. Parts of his life are still missing. But he'll never forget the time they spent together.

Billie cries and tosses the letter on the table, "Neither will I."

Steve comes around, "Where are we?" Kayla fills him in. She tells him he passed out. He doesn’t remember anything. Not remembering things is kind of becoming his hobby. He stops her from getting a doctor. He wants her to examine him, "And then I'll examine you."

Kayla asks, "Are you trying to distract me?"

"Is it working?"

Roman thinks Sami's story is incredible – in a good sense. Sami flashes back to EJ – in a bad sense. She says she did what she had to do. She doesn't want to talk about it. A doctor calls Roman aside and whispers something to him. Roman touches his brain to activate whatever cells are left up there. Then, Roman turns and tells Sami John was shot. Apparently the activation didn't work.

Sami falls apart, "You're saying EJ shot John? How could you let this happen? How could you let EJ get away?"

"How do you know EJ got away," asks Roman.

Sami says, "If you had captured him you wouldn't be here – you'd be off grilling him."

Roman says, "If John doesn't make it..."

Sami breaks down even more, if that is possible, "Don't talk like that. He and Mom were finally gonna be happy." Sami asks what happened. Roman tells her John was a proxy for Bo, because Bo had to go take care of Lockhart, who had kidnapped Hope. Sami thinks EJ made Lockhart do it. Sami assures him everything will be OK. Roman says they do have a witness – Lexie.

Abe thinks Lexie is afraid, so she is changing her story. He vows to protect her. Lexie asks hypothetically if she didn't see the shooting could he still put the case together. He says no. Lexie is all he's got.

Abby and Nick sip coffee. Maggie calls Abby and tells her about Chelsea. She asks if she should give her a chance. Abby, playing the part of the adult in the conversation, says it's her decision. Maggie hangs up and stares.

Abby tells Nick its' amazing how far Chelsea would go to impress Lonely Splicer. "I'm such a loser," says Nick, "I might as well tell her the truth. I'll have her meet me at her house."

Kayla brings Patch some water. She wants to schedule him a physical, but she wants to get his vitals checked immediately. Patch says, "OK, for you Sweetness."

Kayla leaves and tells him not to go anywhere.

"I have no place to go," says Patch. He sees the devil card on the floor and contemplates.

Roman tells Sami he will explain about Lexie later. Somehow EJ got through a roadblock close to where Sami and Lucas were stranded. Sami has a flashback about the roadblock. Roman says, "The officers logged all the license plates going through the roadblock. Lexie's license plate was one of them. Of course, logging the names of the drivers whose licenses they checked would have been too much trouble, so they didn't do that. He asks if Sami saw a car like Lexie's when she was looking for help. Nope.

Roman says he is so proud of her. Hugs. Sami bawls, "DADDY!"

Abe and Lexie talk about what they have both been through tonight. She witnessed what may turn out to be a murder; he had dinner with a lying tramp who is also a disgraced doctor. He wonders how many transplants he can put himself through. Whatever he decides Lexie is behind him. She thinks it would be worth one more try. Lexie says, "Going blind is scary."

Abe says, "The only upside is I wouldn't have to watch DOOL."
Having you take care of me scares me even more than going blind. I'd rather die."

"With my track record as a doctor, you would," says Lexie.

Chelsea comes up to Maggie and asks about her decision. Maggie offers for the brat to do a shift right now as a trial. The brat is soooo perky, "To see if I like the job?"

Maggie scowls, "To see if you can do the job. Go back and ask for Margaret and tell her I sent you."

Billie is on the phone leaving a message for Kate. Billie cries and pours her heart out. Steve got his memory back and reneged on choosing her over Kayla. Billie is tired of always having to say the right thing. She's really not happy for Steve and Kayla at all, "When is it my turn. I am tired of settling for scraps and ending up alone. Could you call me, please?"

Billie cries and stares at the letter. She wanders. She opens the cabinet. ALCOHOL! She ponders. She grabs the bottle and pours a glass of wine. She hesitates. She puts it down.

Patch picks up the devil card. He hyperventilates. Kayla comes out and asks what is wrong. He pockets the card and stares so hard he can see through the Patch.

Kayla asks if he is OK. He says he is. She tells him the doctors are conveniently all too busy to see him, so she will examine him.

Patch comes out of his funk, "Goody goody!"

Lexie has a firm grasp of the obvious, "I'm your wife, Abe." Chelsea interrupts. Lexie is shocked to see her working there. The brat hands them their decafs and offers the check to Lexie. Lexie gives her a look which says, "I'm unemployed. Give it to the guy with the job." Abe looks at the bill, but can't see it. Lexie asks the brat to leave.

"Is there a problem," chirps Pollyanna.

Demons from the bowels of hell possess Lexie, "I SAID LEAVE US ALONE!"

Little Miss Sunshine smiles through gritted teeth, "OK sure." Chelsea's going to love this job.

Billie smokes and drinks wine. The doorbell rings. She gulps the rest of her wine and hides the bottle and glass. She gets up to answer the door and stumbles.

It's Nick. He says he came by to see Chelsea. Billie slurs, "She's not here, but hey, COME ON IN!"

Nick sits on the sofa beside her as Billie lights a cigarette.

Sitting on a sofa on a lazy afternoon.
Going to the candidate's debate.
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose

Nick clears his throat, "Uh... Mrs. Reed?"

Billie puffs, "Miss Reed."

"Are you OK?"

Billie insists she has never been better. Nick leans back and discovers the bottle behind a pillow, "Chelsea told me you didn't drink."

Billie gives her best Anne Bancroft look. Speaking of whom... "Chelsea's right. I don't drink. But tonight is a special occasion."

Nick asks, "You're' in a program, right?"

Billie says, "You can't tell Chelsea about this."

Nick asks what's wrong. Billie says he's too young to understand. Nick claims he's wise beyond his years. He is experienced enough to know she's plastered.

"The technical term is blotto," says Billie. She breaks down. Nick offers to call Chelsea. She screams and makes him promise he won't.
He doesn't have to. Billie's brat-phone rings. Chelsea tells Billie she's running late. She's supposed to meet Nick there but really doesn't feel like seeing him.

Billie whispers, "He's here."

Chelsea says, "Get rid of him."

"I don't think so," says Billie.

The brat signs off, "Tell him I'll see him tomorrow. OK-Bye."

Billie turns and tells Nick Chelsea will have to reschedule. Nick isn't there. Billie looks back over to the couch where Nick is reading Patch's letter. Billie tells him that's not police. Nick says he is sooooo sorry.

"Don't look at me like I'm a loser," slurs the loser.

Abe tells Lexie he couldn't read the bill. Lexie says husbands and wives are there to help each other. She asks him to think about all the sacrifices he has made for her. Hugs. He thanks God for her every day.

Kayla examines Patch. She says his heart is racing.

"I'm a little faint," says Patch, "I need some kayloxygen."

Nick says Billie isn't a loser. He apologizes for reading the letter.

"That's all right," says Billie, "Pretty soon the whole town will know about it. You're so young and romantic."

"So are you," says Nick.

"Romantic," says Billie, "But not young."

"It's the wine," says Nick.

"It's my life," bawls Billie.

Nick says he cares, "Because we're not all that different." He waxes philosophical, "It's like there is part of you that you want to show someone, and they will recognize you for who you are."

We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files
We'd like to help you learn to help yourself.
Look around you all you see are sympathetic eyes...

"I know how you feel," says Nick.

Billie says, "How do you know all that."

Nick says, "Because I feel the same."

Billie says, "God help you."


Dr. Kayla and Patch kiss. Patch insists he is fine. Kayla says she buried him once and doesn't want to go through that again. He promises he will get a neurological work-up. Kayla goes to make the appointment. Patch pulls out the devil card.

Nick says Billie wants to seem hard and cynical but she's not. She's beautiful and will find someone else.

"Spoken like someone at the beginning of his life," says Billie, "What the hell difference does it matter if at the end of the day I get to go home alone and go to bed by myself when all I want is..."

"Someone to hold you... and... kiss you," says Nick. Closer... closer... Kiss. Fade to the letter.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson...


Max says, "What I want to know is... Is there something going on between us... Mimi?"

Lucas lies in his hospital bed and asks Sami, "I still don't understand one thing. Who got that beam off my leg like that?"

Chelsea asks heather, "Do you want to fight me? 'Cause I'm game."

Nekkid Nick stammers, "No, no, no. You're not going to tell Chelsea are you?" Billie smiles.

It's a little secret just the Robinsons' affair.
Most of all you've got to hide it from the kids

Be sure to tune in throughout 2007, when DOOL writers, who never had an original idea themselves, will continue to rip off your favorite classic movies.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

A Cauldron Of "What-If's"

Kayla, Patch, Benjy and Sonya sit at dinner. Kayla can't believe they are married and how grown up they are. In Salem, a grownup is a rare thing.

Sonya says, "I'm just glad you made it."

Kayla blushes, "Oh my, I thought we were discreet.

"She meant out of quarantine," says Patch. Sonya toasts them. Benjy toasts true love.

Lexie tells John to hang on. Her medical skills know no bounds. Tek comes back and tells her she has to say she was a witness. He runs out as the cops bust in. Roman leads the charge. Lexie tells him John has two gunshot wounds. Complex medical diagnoses are Lexie's specialty. Roman drags Lexie away. As a doctor, she wants to help, but they want John to live. Roman grills her, "How did you get here before we did?"

Lexie is dazed, "I saw the whole thing."

Sami drives. She tries to bargain with EJ. She will help him escape if he will help save Lucas. He says, "Let's see how convincing you are at the roadblock." He puts on a pair of glasses and a ski cap so they won't recognize him.

Lucas lays lifeless. He hallucinates, "Sami?"

The Ghost of Christmas Ruined appears. "Not even close, sweetheart," says Kate, "I warned you."

"You're not here," says Lucas. Kate pulls a box of shoes out of her shopping bag and asks where Sami is. She tires on the shoes, rejects them, opens another and tries them on. She says Lucas has to face the facts. Sami has left him to die, "She's tossed you away like a pair of old shoes. Sami has deserted you."

Bo busts into the warehouse and points his shotgun at Patrick, "Get the hell away from her."

Patrick yells, "Don't shoot!"

Bo screams, "Back up! Get away from her!"

Patrick tells Bo she's having the baby. Bo falls in a heap beside Hope. Patrick does the same thing. A woman having a baby can turn a couple of grown men to jello faster than anything.

Bo holds Patrick off and calls an ambulance. Hope screams. The contractions are a minute apart. Hope yells, "I need to push!"

"No pushing," says Bo, "Breathe!"

Roman grills Lexie. She says she was driving to pick Abe up. Dashboard lights started blinking, so she stopped and called for a tow. Car trouble can turn a grown woman to jello faster than anything. She saw the lights on in the building up there and figured someone was there. She heard two men arguing and peeked in. That's when she saw John, and saw and what happened, "I think it was EJ Wells."

Roman growls, "What the hell do you mean you think?"

"It happened so fast," says Lexie, "The man with the gun ran. Then I went in and stopped the bleeding."

Roman asks, "Will you go on record and tell us it was EJ?"

Lexie nukes, "I don't need all these questions!"

The cop asks Sami for license and registration. Clark Kent looks away. Sami tries to be cheerful. She tells the cop it's a friend's car. The cop goes back to his cruiser.

"It's a God given talent to lie that way Samantha," says EJ, "Just don't forget, if I have to shoot my way out with a hostage, I have no problem with that."

The cop comes back to the window. Sami asks if she's free to go. The cop answers, "It's slick, so drive careful."

Sami thanks the cop as he walks away. EJ congratulates her. She asks if he will help with Lucas.

Kate sips champagne. Lucas insists Sami is coming back, "She loves me and she loves Will."

"Not as much as she loves Sami," says Kate. Kate disappears. Lucas calls for her, and then for Sami.

Sami asks again. If EJ helps her save Lucas, she will cover for him. "I have an idea," says EJ, "I'll help you and Lucas if..."

Sami interrupts, "I'll do it. Whatever it is, I'll do it."

"It's you," says EJ


"I want you, Samantha," says EJ, "I want to have sex with you." Sami gasps.

As Kayla leaves the table, she tells Benjy and Sonya they should come over for dinner sometime. Sonya tells Patch she doesn't look a day older. Benjy thinks they have better hair now. "What," asks Patch, "You didn't like our Big 80's do's?" Patch gets a call. He leaves.

Sonya asks what Benjy is waiting for, "Give him the thing so we can get out of here!"

Roman apologizes for coming on so strong. Lexie understands. Another cop comes up and whispers something. Roman tells him to get the ambulance going. He tells Lexie her car is missing. Lexie thanks him.

Roman says, "If you want to thank me, then help us nail EJ."

Hope pushes. The baby pops. Push... Pop... Presto... A kid! Dang, this childbirth thing is easy. "You have a baby girl," says Bo. Patrick takes it. Bo congratulates her.

Hope asks to hold her. Bo turns to Patrick, "Hope and I will raise her and I will love her as if she were my own."

Patrick drops the bomb, "And she is."

Bo says, "What are you talking about? You are the father."

"No, I'm not," says Patrick, "She's your daughter, Bo. Yours and Hope's."

Lexie wanders and thinks about her argument with Tek.

Sami says EJ is out of his mind, "Why would you even want to? You could have any woman you want?"

EJ says, "My father framed it as a request but... He had me come to Salem to plant the DiMera seed in the Brady of my choice. It is an honor."

"I don't think of it as that."

"Your beauty is a given," says EJ, "But beauty can be bought. Your spirit is priceless. You have enough spirit to keep this interesting for years. Don't let this be a window-fogged moment in the back of a car. Make it something special."

Sami reels, "If you touch me, I swear to God..."

"Yes," slobbers EJ, "Threaten! Spell out the depths of my punishment! Incredible!"

Sami asks, "This is turning you on?"

EJ asks, "Would you rather save your virtue and condemn Lucas to die, or give a handsome devil his due?"


Lucas calls for Sami. Will appears to him. He tries to brush of the snow, but he can't because he's really not there. Lucas says he needs a nap. Will urges him not to give up, "Hang on for me. Please Dad."

Kayla and Patch arrive back at the table at the same time. Patch says John was shot and is on the way to the hospital.

Sonya says, "Before you leave, Benjy has something..." Steve says they have no time for that. He leaves with Kayla. "Benjy, go after him," says Sonya, "Get it over with."

They wheel John into the ER. Marlena meets him. He opens his eyes. She says he will be all right.

John mumbles.

"I can't understand," says Marlena, "Try again."

"Are you going to wait until I recover to kill me? "

Patrick tells them he paid Dr. Bader to tell them the baby was his. Hope asks why he is telling them this now.

"I am no saint but I am not a murderer," says Patrick, "I'm not even that good at being a bad guy. I'm sorry I put you through this." Hope says he did the right thing.

The doctors kick Marlena out so they can insert a chest tube. Medical procedures make her ill. Outside, she meets Patch and Kayla. She gives them an update, "He promised he wouldn't get involved."

Patch walks into John's room. Staredown.

Marlena asks why John would have gotten involved after promising her he wouldn't. Kayla says, "We can't change the people we love."

Patch gives John the same impeccable medical advice as Lexie, "Hang in there." John chokes. Patch calls for reinforcements. The doctors, Marlena and Kayla come rushing in. Marlena handles the oxygen.

Lexie tells Abe she did everything she could for John, "I told him to hang in there twice." Abe interrupts. Roman asks one last time for a statement. He tells Abe Lexie was upset, so she didn't give one.

"My brain is jumbled," says Lexie.

"Good," says Roman, "If you're back to feeling normal, then you can give us a statement." Lexie insists she has told them what she knows. Roman presses. Abe urges her to go ahead, "We want to hear from you... what you did... what you saw... in your own words." Lexie stares.

Lucas sleeps. Will tries to wake him up. Lucas says, "Oh Will, I love you. Will? Will?" Nothing. Lucas sits up, and then grimaces and lies back down.

Sami cries, "So you're going to blackmail me and rape me? That's how you like it?"

"I like getting what I want," says EJ, "How does it feel to hold Lucas' life in your hands. Or should I say between your..."

Sami shuts him up, "All right you win! I want a guarantee. How do I know you won't just leave me in the snow?"

EJ says, "Life is a cauldron of 'what-if's.' Promises... Betrayal... No guarantees."

"You will burn in hell," says Sami.

"I know," says EJ, "My place is already set at that table. Now, let's get the festivities started." He reaches for her.

Sami spits, "No! I'll do it!" She removes her jacket, "You are only getting my body."

"That's all I've ever wanted." EJ moves in.

Pan down on the car. Sami is dazed as she zips up, "Happy now?"

"Blissfully," says EJ, "I am afloat on a sea of endorphins. You must congratulate Lucas. If I see him again, I will tell him...


Sami says, "You aren't going to say anything to him! If you do anything to hurt us I will hunt you down and kill you!"

EJ threatens, "If you ever raise your hand to me again, it will be the last thing you ever do."

"Listen," says Sami, "Honor your promises, and then you can slither back under whatever rock you came from."

Lexie shows Roman and Abe the window is dirty, "I didn't have a good view. It looked like EJ."

Roman stops her, "If you aren't sure, then our hands are tied and a guilty man could walk away scott-free."

Hope is on a gurney. She tells Bo she has wished for a second chance for them so they can move forward after Zack's death. Bo says what they lost they can't get back. Hope says, "But we found each other again. When we found out you were really Zack's father you loved him as your own and that was the greatest gift... now we have this little life."

"She's a sign that we are meant to be together for all the Days Of Our Lives," says Bo.

Marlena asks John to look at her.

"Killer," says John, "Killer."

"No," says Marlena, "My serial killer days are behind me." Pan in on Patch.

John's machines play a symphony. Dr. Berman says they have to get him to the OR. Marlena turns and says, "Steve, he was looking at you when he said 'killer.'" They wheel John off. "He can't die," says Marlena.

Roman tells Lexie forensics has nothing. Lexie is all they have. They need her to be clear, "EJ is a bad man. Can you live with yourself if he slips through our fingers?"

Bo tells Hope he has to deal with Lockhart. He will meet them at the hospital. Hope tells him to start thinking of a name.

Outside, Bo questions Patrick about Wells. Patrick says he will retract his statement about Bo attacking him, but he can't incriminate EJ, "I won't commit suicide."

Bo asks, "Are you scared of that scum?"

"Yeah," says Patrick, "You should be too."

Bo is disgusted, "Get him out of here." The cops haul off the perp. Bo grits, "Dammit!"

EJ and Sami come into the cabin. Lucas is alive, but unconscious. Sami orders EJ to help. He says she's ruining his endorphin high. Together, they pull the beam off of Lucas.

"We have to get him to the hospital," says Sami. EJ doesn't have the time. He invites her to come with him. She'd rather die.

EJ points his pistol at her, "If you tell the cops you saw me, you will wish you were dead. If I get arrested, I will tell them that you helped me escape, and we've been sleeping together for months. And when Lucas comes to hear that you and I have known each other..."

"You bastard."

"You have a lot to lose, sweetheart. So listen. After this, you'd better keep your little... mouth... shut."

"After what," sneers Sami.

"This," says EJ. He grabs her and kisses her. Sami struggles.

Roman keeps working on Lexie. Abe backs him off, "Lexie will talk when she is rested." Lexie says she will be there and do what she can.

Sami spits him out, "Help me with Lucas or get away!"

"Get away is what I plan to do," says EJ, "Thank you for a wonderful evening. I will never forget you." Sami throws boards at him.

"Thai's why I love you," says EJ as he leaves. Sami vows to get Lucas out and protect him. She pulls the blanket up around him.

Bo arrives at the hospital. Hope knows things are all right now. She sends Bo to see how John is doing.

Bo walks outside and sees Marlena. He asks how John is doing. Marlena hits him with the wrath of hell, "THIS IS YOUR FAULT! IF HE DIES YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU IF HE DIES!" Marlena storms off.

That went well.

Patch and Kayla walk down the hall of the hospital. Benjy stalks. Patch sends Kayla on to find out what happened, "I'm gonna hang here."

Kayla leaves and Benjy comes up to Patch, "Benjy, what the hell you doin' here. Man?"

Benjy signs. Patch asks, "Something you need to give me? It must be something important if you came all the way down here." Benjy kisses him on both cheeks, "Benjy, what the hell..." He hands Patch the devil card (we thought it was the death card - thanks to a sharp-eyed reader for catching that) and hustles off. Patch looks at the card and shudders.


Lexie says, "Going blind is scary." Abe says, "I'd rather die."

Nick the Geek says, "I know how you feel." Billie says, "How do you know all that." Nick says, "Because I feel the same." Billie says, "God help you."

Kayla gasps, "Steve! Steve!" Steve huffs and puffs.

Marlena tells Sami, "My husband is fighting for his life because it was more important for him to be a hero."

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Gene Pool Is Getting A Little Shallow

WARNING! THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THE FOLLOWING EPISODE MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. This episode contains actual action and plot movement. As a DOOL viewer, you may not be accustomed to this. Proceed with caution in order to avoid severe shock.

Lexie is on the phone with Abe. She asks if the doctor tested to see if he rejected the corneal transplant. "Yeah," says Abe, "they did every kind of test there was, but don't have any answers yet."

Abe doesn't want Theo knowing about this. Lexie says it wouldn't matter. Theo loves him no matter what. Abe says Theo and Lexie mean everything to him. Lexie tells him she is on her way. Just as she hangs up, Tek barges into the car, "I have to talk to you."

LuminescenceSami and Lucas lie sleeping in each other's arms in the cabin. They wake up together and realize it's really cold. The fire has died down. Sami goes to put another log on, but finds there are none. Lucas finds books to burn. Sami doesn't want him to destroy other people's property. Lucas says he will leave his name and address and pay for it later. Lucas is Sami's hero. Lucas says she is a hero. Sami worries about EJ coming after her. Lucas assures her Bo and Roman won't let him do that. If he does, Lucas will protect her. He's going to start the fire and make love to her all night long.

"In that case," says Sami, "Who needs a fire?"

Suddenly, Sami hears a noise coming from the roof. She screams, "Lucas! Watch out!" The roof caves in and it all comes down on Lucas.

Bo has found the SUV Lockhart was driving. He searches inside and finds hope's keys, "Where the hell are you?"

Hope asks Patrick why he is doing this. The cops know about EJ. They know Patrick is working with him. Hope suggests he could turn state's evidence against the DiMeras and go into the witness protection program. He tells her his final assignment is to get her away from Bo and kill her.

John isn't surprised Stephano sent EJ to kill him. John tells EJ he worked for Stefano because he was brainwashed. EJ says Stefano would have given him the world but John turned his back. John says, "Stefano's world is a place I would never want to live in."

EJ says, "Luckily for you, you're not going to have to worry about that much longer."

Roman tries to raise John on the radio. No go. Dobson asks, "What now?"

"If we don't get him on the radio we are going in," says Roman. But they don't know if Wells has shown up. That worries Roman.

Lexie wants Tek out. Tek wants to talk. She reminds him of the restraining order. He just wants five minutes. Lexie caves in.

Sami crawls out of the rubble. Lucas is crushed under the beams. He can't move his legs. Sami tries to get them off. Lucas tells her not to try. He tells her to go for help. Sami grabs her cell phone. No signal.

Lucas loses consciousness. Sami begs him to wake up.

Hope can't believe Patrick would kill his own baby. She begs him not to go through with it for the baby's sake. She opens her cell phone and speed dials Bo. Patrick grabs it and it drops. Bo listens as they argue. Hope says, "Bo will realize the only place we could be hiding is here in this warehouse. Turn yourself in. It's not too late."

"It is too late for both of us," says Patrick.

John asks what makes EJ think he will succeed where Stefano has failed. He thinks EJ is an odd choice for the job. EJ says, "I have what you Yanks call 'the right stuff.'"

"Ah," says John, "You tore the wings off of a lot of butterflies, did you?"

EJ says, "My father is no longer a young man. I am his last hope – his best."

"I guess the gene pool is getting a little shallow," says John, "Stefano says 'jump' and you say, 'how high, Daddy?' Elvis, you ain't nothing but a houn' dog."

"When he is gone I will inherit everything," says EJ. Sirens. EJ sneaks back to look, "You denied everything our family stands for."

"Stefano only stands for himself," says John, "In fact, I stand corrected. The last time I checked, he couldn't even do that."

EJ says, "His health may be failing, but his power will never die. I will ascend to the throne by giving him the news of your death."

"You have forgotten my backup," says John.

"My bug killed your wire," says EJ, "They have no idea you're about to get your brains blown out."

"Roman will want to come and see for himself."

"Thanks for reminding me," says EJ, "Take out your cell phone."

John takes it out and calls Roman. He tells Roman he is fine and EJ never showed up. Roman gets another call from Bo. He asks for backup. Roman is on the way. He tells John to stay put.

John hangs up, "I'm not going anywhere."

Finally," says EJ, "Alone at last."

Sami begs Lucas to wake up. He comes to and calls her name. She says she's going for help but needs him to stay awake. She covers him and brings the food and water over. She tells him to think about Will and her. They have a wonderful future. He promised to protect her and now it's her turn to protect him. She kisses him and runs out. Lucas grimaces.

Lexie says she isn't putting up with any more of Tek's stunts. He says he loves her and can't get her out of his mind. She says she loves Abe. Tek thinks Abe can't satisfy her the way he does. She tells him to get out.

Hope tells Patrick he's in over his head. Patrick says, "I know what you are doing – trying to establish a rapport with your captor. It's right out of Police Manual 101. This isn't want I wanted."

Hope thinks he is fighting for his life, "But there are other lives at stake."

Patrick goes berserk, "SHUT UP ABOUT THAT FREAKING KID! You promised me you would go away with me. If you would have kept your word I might have figured something out to prevent this."

Hope says, "You are stronger than EJ. He can't get to us if we stand up together."

Patrick is way past the edge of the cliff. He says Hope never cared about him. Hope insists she did, just not the way he wanted her to.

EJ cocks his gun, "I can imagine what you are thinking. It all comes down to this... Brother vs. Stepbrother. Good vs. evil.

"What I am thinking," says John, "Isn't nearly as biblical. You are pathetic because you are doing this of your own free will."

"Do I detect the psychobabble of Dr. Evans," asks EJ.

"She would know exactly what to make of a very small man holding a very big gun," says John.

"Maybe when you're gone she will get the chance," says EJ, "I'm going to miss you, John, but you won't be alone in the great beyond for very long."

"Who else is on your hit list?"

I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I'm having too much fun. Bo and Patch are next. I have a secret assassin in place, ready to take them out. I could tell you who it is, but then I would have to kill you. HA! I guess I might as well."

Sami tries to start the car. Unfortunately no one has wandered by and fixed the fuel injection system. She pounds the steering wheel in frustration. She looks at her cell phone but there is no signal. She wails, "Lucas what am I gonna do?" Sit snivel and bawl, apparently.

Lexie tells Tek to get out. He asks how she can forget what they had together. Tek pours it on. Lexie's phone rings, "It's my husband. Would you please get out?" Tek leaves. Lexie answers.

Abe asks, "Is everything OK?"

Hope works on Patrick. She reminisces about his friendship on Morgan Island. He says those were his orders. He wanted out long ago. If only he could go back in time. Hope says he doesn't have to kill her and her baby to save himself.

Bo yells for him to come out. As Patrick turns, Hope picks up a board – more like a large toothpick.

EJ says, "What's the matter, John? You looked as shocked as if I had told you Alice Horton was the assassin. That's the plan – hide in plain sight."

John growls, "You got careless. What makes you sure your assassin won't?" Tek sneaks around outside the door.

EJ says, "This person will remain hidden until the time is right, or until the writers decide who it is."

"Why Bo and Steve," asks John.

"They are traitors," says EJ.

John whirls, twirls and attacks. EJ shoots. John collapses. Tek runs toward the action. John falls into a lifeless heap.

Tek opens the door and checks out John, "Hang on man! I'm gonna get help."

Lexie tells Abe she's having car trouble. The auto club is on the way. Abe, unlike any other man in the known universe, does not ask what is wrong with the car. He says he talked to the doctor. He is rejecting the transplant. She suggests other specialists or another transplant. Abe says he has to face the facts. He is going blind. Lexie assures him he still has her and Theo. Lexie will be there soon. She hangs up and cries.

Tek runs up to the car and shouts for her to open the door. She thinks he's making another attempt to talk to her. Tek shouts, "Lexie! Open up! John has been shot!"

Lexie opens the door, "This better not be a trick."

"It's not," says Tek, "He could be dying."

"EJ stalks. As they leave, he gets into Lexie's car."

Hope takes a swing at Patrick with her pathetic board. He blocks it. Bo yells from outside, "Hope? Are you OK? What's going on in there?" Hope screams back that she is OK. Bo yells, "Lockhart, if you hurt her in any way, I swear I will butcher you!"

Roman and Dobson run up to him. Bo says, "Lockhart's got Hope in there and he's threatening to kill her."


Roman says, "All right, we've got to talk him back."

Bo says, "I'm not in a chatty mood right now. Call Lucas. He never shuts up."

Roman says, "Don't lose your cool."

Patrick tells Hope not to try that again. If she had actually hit him with that, he could have gotten a hell of a splinter. He's not turning himself in. He'd rather die first. Bo calls Patrick on his cell phone. Patrick demands a helicopter and $100,000.

"I can't do that," says Bo.

Patrick growls, "Wrong answer!" BANG!

Bo screams, "HOPE!"

Dobson and Roman restrain Bo. Hope yells out that she is OK. Lockhart says he is serious. Bo says he can't get the money

Hope asks to talk to Bo. Patrick says, "You tell him I mean what I say."

Hope takes the phone, "He isn't bluffing. I love you, Brady."

Bo loves her but he's not going to let anything happen to her. Patrick grabs the phone. He wants the helicopter and the money now.

Sami sees a car. She gets out and runs flailing her arms screaming for help.

Lexie checks out John, "He needs medical attention right away!"

"Where are we gonna find a doctor around here," asks Tek.

Lexie tells Tek to get out. He argues. Tek says he is a witness. He saw who shot him.

Sami gets in the strangers car. "Hello, Samantha."

Sami gasps, "EJ!"

"So let me guess," says EJ, "You were on your way to meet me when the car broke down. How fortunate I stopped when I did." Sami starts to get out. EJ says, "Going so soon? Your pathetic little attempt to set me up is amusing."

She begs him to help her with Lucas. As much as he would love to, he has to get out of town, "YOU LIED TO ME! YOU SET ME UP!"

"I'm sorry."

"So am I," he says, "Every cop within 100 miles is looking for me. There is a roadblock up ahead, and you will help me get through it."

"I will help you if you help me save Lucas – take it or leave it."

Bo tells Roman there is no way to talk Patrick down. Roman agrees, "We gotta go in. He's given us no choice."

Patrick says they are going out nice and slow, with Hope as a shield. He starts to move her out. Hope stops and gasps, "OMG!"

Patrick asks, "What the hell is that?"

Hope says, "My water just broke. I'm having the baby."

Patrick says, "Well, don't make a mess."

Lexie gives John her best medical advice, "Hang in there!"

Tek thinks it was EJ that shot John. He isn't positive, though. He tells Lexie he is the only eyewitness and so he has to stay. Lexie tells him to get out. Tek says he can't. Lexie plays her trump card, "If you really do love me, then get out."

Tek says, "OK, but you have to tell the cops you witnessed the shooting. You have to ID who did it." Tek scoots.

EJ says Sami isn't in a position to negotiate. She is going to get him through the roadblock whether she wants to or not.

Patrick throws the gun down so he can help. Hope begs him to get her to a hospital.

Roman gets a call, "What? Wells! OK we got a situation here. I'll get there as fast as I can." He hangs up and tells Bo John has been shot. Bo tells Roman to take Dobson and go. He'll handle Lockhart.

Roman tells Bo he will send backup as he and Dobson rush out.

Hope screams. Bo cocks his rifle. FF.


Bo points his shotgun at Patrick, "Get the hell away from her." Patrick yells, "Don't shoot!" Bo screams, "Back up! Get away from her!"

EJ asks, "Would you rather save your virtue and condemn Lucas to die, or give a handsome devil his due?"

Abe says to Lexie, "We want to hear from you... what you did... what you saw... in your own words."

Patch says to Benjy, "Something you need to give me? It must be something important." Benjy hands him the death card.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006


The crew works on bringing Lt. Dan's remains up. Abby finds it odd nobody found the skeleton until now. The brat feels compassion for him, "He's been trapped down there all this time and the first female he comes across in 150 years is Mimi. I wonder how much he loved her."

"Who," asks Abby.

"Well," says the little snot, "He had to have left somebody behind, right? Whoever she was she was probably waiting for him to come back home and he never did. I know how she feels. I have no idea who Lonely Splicer is."

Abby snorts, "I knew this would wind up being about you, Chelsea."

He brat turns to Nick and asks how the search for Lonely Splicer is going.

Lucas and Sami drive through the snow. Sami tells him she is glad to be out of Salem. She'd rather be trapped in a snow bank than be back there. She is worried about EJ finding out she ratted him out. She can't believe she fell for his act. "You didn't," she says, "You never liked him. Too bad. I liked that job, and I was good at it, too. It doesn't matter, though. I'd rather be happy with you and Will."

And, of course we have car trouble. Lucas says, "Remember when you said you'd rather be trapped in a snow bank than back in Salem? I hope you meant it."

John and Marlena arrive at the cop shop. Bo and Roman think Sami really came through for them.

Officer Cooper comes into the office and says they checked the Wells apartment and no one is there. Bo and Roman go into action.

Patrick arrives at the pub and asks if Hope is ready. Hope says she isn't going. Patrick works his jaws.

Lucas tries to fix the car as Sami works the starter. He gets back in and announces the fuel injector is clogged. Sami says she saw a cabin a while back. Lucas asks how far. Sami says, "A mile or two... maybe three." AVALANCHE! "OMG." says Sami.

Lucas asks, "Are you sure it was no more than three miles?"

"Four. Tops."

Chelsea thinks Lonely Splicer is holding back, "Maybe he has trust issues. It's driving me crazy."

Nick tells her she can't rush these things. The brat wants Nick to try harder to find him. "These things are complicated," says Nick, "He could be routing his messages through multiple servers."

"Whatever that means," says the brat, "He changed my life. I just want to meet Lonely Splicer before he disappears. Please, can you help me?"

John tells Bo to be careful. He could be walking into a trap. Bo says, "I'll have a wire. Roman will be listening to everything I say. I'm gonna take him down."

Patrick reminds Hope of their deal. Hope says Patrick realizes the noose is tightening around him. She says it's EJ the cops want. If he helps, he'll get off easier, "People were hurt. One woman is dead. EJ needs to pay. I'm begging you to cooperate with the police. This is your last chance to save yourself and be a part of our baby's life. What's it gonna be?"

Abby tells the brat to do her own digging. Chelsea tries to charm Nick into keeping up the search. Her cell phone interrupts. She leaves to answer it. Abby begs Nick not to fall for her act. Nick says, "It makes me mad what this online jerk is doing to her."

Abby reminds him of a small detail, "You are the online jerk."

"I still hate him."

Roman and Bo plan their caper. Bo is good to go. Marlena starts to leave. John stays behind. Marlena jerks his leash and tells him he can't stay. John is concerned about how it will play out. Marlena reminds him he has bowed out. John says, "Stefano sent EJ to kill me Doc. ME! He gave me the death card. This is my fight."

Patrick insists he is innocent. He tells Hope he got around the police surveillance by borrowing a neighbor's SUV and driving it instead of his own vehicle, "You want them to catch me, don't you?"

"I never said that," says Hope, "I want you to go to the cops and cut a deal."

"I can't do that."

"Then run," says Hope, "But don't expect me to go with you."

Patrick grabs her as she turns. Hope says, "I said I'm not going."

Patrick pulls out his pistol, "And I say we are leaving now."


Lucas and Sami get to the abandoned cabin carrying their bags. Lucas discovers a fireplace and dry firewood. Sami goes for the potato chips, crackers, and sparkling cider. He tells her to conserve the food since they don't know how long they will be there. The fire starts by spontaneous combustion. They throw down blankets and pillows. Sami thinks it's cozy.

Nick says when he started this Lonely Splicer thing, he thought it would be a good way to get to know Chelsea, but Lonely Splicer has aced him out. He has no chance with her now. In reality he doesn't measure up.

Abby tries to convince him Lonely Splicer really exists, "The way you keep talking about yourself in the third person is too existential for me."

That sparked his interest, "Do you think life is absurd the way Camus did?"

"No," says Abby, "I think this plot is absurd in the way the viewers do."

Nick says he can't tell Chelsea the truth. She will hate him

John works on Marlena to let him stay and play cop with Roman and Bo. Marlena says if he wants to stay, she is OK with that. She can pick up Will. She cautions him not to get roped into anything. She reminds him of their promise to tell each other the truth. John says, "I will stay out of it and only offer advice and counsel."

Marlena says, "Maybe the plan will succeed

Roman asks Bo if he's all set. Bo isn't quite ready to go. He wants to know where Lockhart is, "I don't want to have to deal with the two of them."

Patrick trembles as he points his gun at Hope, "I gave you every chance to keep your promise."

"And what," asks Hope, "You will kill me if I don't? And your baby? If you force me to go I swear I will make your life a living hell. I'll marry you."

Caroline comes in from the back and asks, "Is everything OK?"

Sami and Lucas sit by the fire. Sami was thinking about how she almost married Austin. She wonders if Lucas ever thought they would wind up like this.

Lucas plays dumb. It isn't difficult, "Stranded?"

"No," says Sami, "I mean back together again."

Lucas says he wasn't surprised she gave up on her wedding to Austin, "People have learned to leave their cars running when they go to a Sami Brady wedding." He is happy things worked out this way. She and Will mean everything to him. He thinks they belong together. Sami does too. The fire flickers. Kiss.

Lucas gets ideas, "Are you sure?"

"Oh, yeah," says Sami, "I'm sure." Pan into the flames.

Abby says, "If Chelsea finds out who Lonely Splicer is, you'll be Dead Splicer. Nick asks if Abby thinks Chelsea would just give up if he stopped sending emails. Abby reminds him how driven Chelsea is.

"She will never like the real me as well as she likes the virtual me."

Abby says she will protect him. The brat comes back from the phone call. It was Billie. She has to go home.

"Before you go," says Nick, "There is something important I want to talk to you about."

Patrick hides the pistol. Hope tells Caroline Patrick just stopped by for a drink. Caroline says the pub is closed, but he can try the Cheatin' Heart. Thinking things are just peachy keen, she returns to the back room. Patrick pulls the gun back out, "Time's up, Hope, let's go." Hope grabs her coat. Patrick makes a call. He asks Chelsea to tell Bo she saw him and Hope heading out of town.

The brat refuses. Patrick says, "Hope is leaving for good. That means your dad is free to go after your mom."

"I don't care about that nay more," snorts the brat, "Get over yourself."

MACE! Patrick hardly reacts to it. Maybe she grabbed her hairspray instead. He grabs Hope and says they are leaving.

The brat hangs up, "Why does everyone think I'll go for anything weird or evil?" She calls Bo and tells him about the call from Patrick and what he said about Hope leaving town for good.

Bo thanks her and heads straight off the rails. He tells Roman that Patrick somehow slipped away from the cops who were tailing him, "He kidnapped my wife, Roman!"

"You can thank me later," says Roman.

Sami... Lucas... fire... afterglow. They had forgotten how incredible each other is. She makes him promise not to make fun of her and then says, "Every minute I spend with you is better. I'm so glad we made it through all the bad times because we belong together."


"Just because you can't make fun of me doesn't mean you have to say nothing."


"Lucas, say something."

Lucas asks Sami, "When you talk about the mistakes you have made... Is EJ one of them?"

"The next time I ask you to say something, please keep your mouth shut."

Nick tells the brat he knows Lonely Splicer is in love with her. She wonders how he would know that. "Reading the IM's, there is no doubt." The brat wants to know if Lonely Splicer loves her, why he hasn't revealed himself to her. Nick says he has stayed out of touch because the brat probably makes him nervous.

Abby has had it, "Maybe he's having an identity crisis."

The brat is thrilled. She throws her arms around Nick and says, "You are so much cooler than you look! Thank you!"

Hope's phone rings. She sees it's Bo. She tells Patrick she has to answer it or Bo will think something is wrong.

"There isn't a damn thing he can do about it now," snarls Patrick.

Hope doesn't answer. Bo goes bananas, "I'm off. I'm also heading out to find Hope."

Roman tells him he can't leave because they need him to go meet EJ. Bo's gotta go. He also has to chase after Hope. They both turn and stare at John.

John refuses to help. He promised Doc. Bo and Roman stare him down. John caves in. He says he will handle Wells. He won't bail on a friend.

Bo leaves. John tells Roman he'll do this and then he will beg Marlena for forgiveness. Roman smirks. "You're right," says John, "It won't work."

"Doc loves you for who you are," says Roman, "Roman... John... whoever that may be." John is in.

Sami is peeved Lucas asked her about EJ. She claims EJ doesn't mean anything to her. Lucas is skeptical. Sami tells him she and EJ didn't have sex. She thought Lucas believed her when she told him that before. She asks, "What if we did? How would that change things?"

"It wouldn't as long as it was over," says Lucas.

"I don't believe that," says Sami, "Because then you wouldn't have brought it up."

"OK," says Lucas, "So I'm insecure."

Sami wants him to promise to let this go for good. He isn't sure he can. He loves her and hates being jealous. She hates it too. She hated crying herself to sleep every night during the nanosecond he was married to Carrie, "I want us to promise to be honest and happy and true to each other for all the Days Of Our Lives." She offers her hand to shake on it.

"You want to shake on it," asks Lucas, ""Can't we kiss or something?"

They vote for "something." Back for seconds...

The workers bring Lt. Dan's body up from the basement, "The Salem historical museum awaits."

"Poor guy," says the brat, "He never even knew the Civil War ended. It's just so..."

"Existential," says Nick, "No, wait... that's un-existential."

"Either way, it's very un-entertaining," says the brat, "Anyway, I'd better go before my mom buries me alive." She takes off.

Nick tells Abby he just couldn't tell the brat he is Lonely Splicer. Abby says, "Sooner or later she will learn the truth, and it had better be from you."

Bo rushes into the pub and grills Caroline. Caroline gives her version of what happened. Bo finds the mace can on the floor, "Dammit!"

Patrick screeches the car around a corner to avoid the roadblock ahead.

John stalks down at the dock. He speaks into his wire, "Do you read me."

"Loud and clear," says Roman.

John stalks. A shadow follows. John says, "No sign of him... yet. Did you read that?"

The stalker points his gun. "Drop the gun. Nice and easy," says EJ.

Caroline tells Bo Hope insisted things were all right. Bo assures Caroline she did the right thing. He asks for details. Caroline says they drove away in an SUV, "She's in trouble, isn't she?"

Bo rushes out, "A lot of trouble."

Patrick tells Hope to get out of the car. She begs him to consider the baby.

"I have my orders," says Patrick.

"What orders?"

"Get out!"

Marlena asks Cooper where John is. He tells her Bo was called away and John is out playing hero. Will asks what's wrong. Marlena stares.

John slowly puts the gun down. EJ snatches it up, "I'm insulted, John. You actually believed I was stupid enough to fall for Sami's trap. That girl is made of cellophane. That's how easy it is to see through her."

John says, "You are surrounded. You won't get away with this."

EJ says, "I don't see anyone."

"Relax," says John, "You will."

EJ asks, "Why? Because of this?" He removes John's wire.

John says, "Roman has heard everything. He will be here in two minutes."

EJ shows him his handy-dandy RF jammer, "Roman didn't hear a thing."

Roman sits in his car and listens to static.

John says, "It's all inconsequential. The Salem PD has all the roads out of town blocked. You're surrounded. What is next? You expect me to help you to escape?"

"No," says EJ, "I expect you to die." FF. John. Oh well, if EJ doesn't kill him, Marlena will.


Sami screams, "Lucas! Watch out!" The roof caves in and it all comes down on Lucas.

John says, "Stefano's world is a place I would never want to live in." EJ says, "Luckily for you, you're not going to have to worry about that much longer."

Bo says, "Lockhart's got Hope in there and he's threatening to kill her." Roman says, "All right, we've got to talk him back." Bo says, "I'm not in a chatty mood right now." Roman says, "Don't lose your cool."

Patrick asks, "What the hell is that?" Hope says, "My water just broke. I'm having the baby."

Monday, December 25, 2006

The Gospel According To Patch

Sami, Lucas and Will arrive at Alice's for Christmas. Sami can't find Claire's present, so she hustles Will back to the car to find it. Sami tells Lucas she loves Christmas and is glad to be back together again.

"In every way but one," says Lucas.

Nick is amazed at the decorations as he and the brat walk in. The brat had to come there since she isn't welcome at the "Very Brady Christmas."

Jugs and Dooley arrive. Hugs and blather ensue. Julie gives Nick a gift and card from his mother. Nick reads. He misses them so much. The brat ponders.

Meanwhile, Shawn and Belle arrive at the pub with Claire.

Hope scowls. Bo embraces. He assures her they will make it through. Hope isn't sure. It's her first Christmas without "him." Bo begs her not to go away with Lockhart.

Kayla gets off her phone and announces Frankie is stuck in Toledo. Patch assures her Max will find his way home.

Max and Mimi have decorated the dungeon for Christmas. Mimi comes out half dressed after cleaning her clothes. She's impressed with Max' decorations. She has Max turn around while she slips her curtain off. She asks Max if he will hold it up while she dresses. Max watches the silhouette.

Abby sits in her car reading a map.

Mimi lowers the curtain. They wish each other a merry Christmas.

Sami says sometimes couples wait until they are married. If she wants to wait, Lucas will wait. Sami hopes EJ never finds out she helped the cops set him up. He'll come looking for revenge. Lucas says he will be there to protect her. She doesn’t want anything to happen to him.

Will comes back and they head inside. Hugs and blather.

Nick looks at a picture of a Christmas when he was two. The brat remembers Christmas with the Bensons, "...And now I have all these relatives who don't even want to remember I exist."

Hope doesn't want to go away with Patrick, but he is the father of the baby. Still, she gives Bo her word. She won't go.

Patch reminds Kayla about the Clay Aiken concert. Kayla wants him to go read the Christmas story first. They head for the hospital.

Patch and Kayla arrive at the hospital with Stephanie. Patch is hesitant but they talk him into going through with the reading. He takes his place in front of the kids. Tough audience. He takes out his 'spectacle' but stops short, "I can't do this." Kayla and Stephanie's balloons burst.

Abby discovers a church on the map. Lightning flashes. She says, "OK, Abby, nice girls do not die on Christmas. I hope you're listening God."

Mimi and Max dance to Spanish Christmas music. Her worst Christmas was spent in a box under the highway. Max says, "I've never met anybody like you."

Mimi asks, "Is that a good thing?"

Max says, "That's a really good thing." Kiss.

Belle, Shawn and Claire arrive. Hugs and blather.

Lucas drags Sami to the mistletoe.

Belle is soooo happy to see Sami happy again. Belle claims she's happy too. Christmas is the one day of the year when Belle allows herself to be happy.

Hope wishes Chelsea a merry Christmas. Bo hugs her. Maggie drives a dump truck into the room carrying all the bulbs.

The bulb-hanging bonanza begins. "Next year it'll be your turn Sami," says Lucas.

Julie wishes Doug a merry Christmas. Doug retaliates, "Fair lady, you are my Christmas treasure this year and every year."

Oh, the pain! Zack's bulb. The brat stares. Alice watches. "I'll love you forever, Zack," says Hope.

The brat starts to leave but Nick stops her. Shawn's bulb is well hung. The brat steps up and hangs hers right next to Zack's. Hope helps.

Tom... Alice... Maggie... Mickey...

Maggie gives her "Missing Loved Ones" speech. She ought to start with Mickey. Fade to Abby's bulb.

Fade to Abby. She gets out and runs yelling for Max.

Max and Mimi heat up the church. Max pulls back, "I shouldn't have done that."

"You didn't do it alone," says Mimi.

Mimi moves in for more. The dim bulb sways. So does the light bulb above them. Suddenly, they hear something. A church bell rings in the distance. Mimi thinks maybe someone will hear it and come to rescue them.

Patch hesitates. He wants to tell the story but, in his own words. He improvises the story about Mary and the Big Dude. And the other dude named Joseph. And the other dude who let them stay in his barn. And the three wise dudes. God sent his son to mix it up with the regular dudes on earth. He can tell each of the mini-dudes in his audience is loved just like he loves his daughter and his Sweetness, "But the best gift you can get or give is love. So feel the love. Peace out."

The Gospel According to Patch is available at your local bookstore, dudes.

Ho and Dope arrive at the hospital. Hugs and blather.

Max thinks there isn't much chance of anyone hearing the church bell, "It's just you and me and Lt. Dan."

Mimi cringes, "I'm OK with the you and me part."

Abby comes inside the church. Thunder rolls. She shouts, "Hello! Is anybody here?"

Max says, "There's somebody up there! HELLO?"

Abby yells, "Max? Mimi? Lt. Dan? "

Shawn and Belle introduce Claire to the kids at the hospital. Bo Claus arrives bellowing, "HO! HO! HO!" Right on cue, Kate, Billie and Carrie come in.

Belle tells Shawn he did a really good thing.

Max and Mimi yell for help. They figure out it's Abby up there. Max bangs on the trap door and Abby finds it. She also finds a handy screwdriver and pries the door open. Max and Mimi emerge. Hugs and blather.

"We're going to make it home for Christmas," squeals Mimi. Kiss.

Abby stares in horror.

Patch and Kayla arrive at the Clay Aiken concert. Alas, they are too late. Kayla says she got Patch back, and that was present enough. Kiss.

Lucas invites Sami out for New Year's Eve at a ski chalet. "We'll have a roaring fire and make a few flames of our own."

Shawn watches Bo and Hope make out under the mistletoe. It gives Belle Hope.

Max and Mimi make their grand entrance at the pub. "We're home," screams Meems. Hugs and blather...

Stephanie tells Abby how worried she was. Abby says Chelsea was right, "They go missing and they end up together and I end up alone." Pout.

Clay croons "O Holy Night" in the background as Patch and Kayla dance. The bartender announces they are closing up. Kayla goes to the restroom.

Clay comes in. It seems he can't find his car.

"You should try staying sober during your concerts," says the bartender.

Patch introduces himself and offers a ride to the airport. He tells Clay why they missed the concert, "I was at the hospital reading to kids and creating my own version of the Bible. If you could do a really big favor for me and my wife, I'd really appreciate it."

"No problem," says Clay, "All you have to do is sign up for my "Play with Clay Today" program."

Patch says, "Man, you are the coolest. What do I have to do to sign up? "

"You don't have to do a thing," says Clay, "I just want my picture taken with Kayla."

"NO PROBLEM," says Patch, "She'll dig that! "

"I hope so," says Clay, "Here's the official pose for my "Play with Clay Today girls." Clay hands him the photo...

Kayla gets back. Patch has her sit down.

The Mellifluous Misogynist walks in and introduces himself. He tells Kayla, "I'm going to sing a little love song from him to you."

Cop-anova belts out "Everything I Have."

Kayla pretends to like it. Sap oozes out of the walls.

Fade to the Brady party. Shawn Sr. comes in with his Festivus Pole. Abby isn't in the Christmas spirit. Hugs and blather abound as Clay sings.

Alice holds Tom's picture, "Merry Christmas, my Tom. My darling Tom. And to all of those we love, and are dear to us and are far away, may the blessing of this day go with you now and all the Days Of Our Lives." Hard to believe, but she out-sapped Clay.

Clay croons. He feels the love.


Lt. Dan sits in his corner and says, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."


Lucas asks Sami, "When you talk about the mistakes you have made... Is EJ one of them?"

Hope says, "I said I'm not going." Patrick pulls out his pistol, "And I say we are leaving now."

Bo yells, "He kidnapped my wife, Roman!"

John says, "Stefano sent EJ to kill me Doc. ME! He gave me the death card. This is my fight.

Friday, December 22, 2006

A Blessed Christmas

We wish all our readers a blessed Christmas.


Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

As expected, there was no feed today because there is no show on Christmas in the U.S. We always wonder what happens in Canada on Days like this. "Well, duuuhhh...," says Belle, "Even I can figure that one out. They don't have a show today and they will have a show on Christmas."

Oh, I guess we never thought of that.

Anyway, in lieu of having no post at all, we're offering this list we received from a reader a couple of days ago.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED (and the DOOL character they most relate to):

Schizophrenia --- Do You See What I See? - Patch

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are - Roman/Abe/Bo

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas – Shawn, Sr.

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me – Belle

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... – Maggie

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me – Bo

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire – Stefano

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why – Belle again

Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? – Shawn


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Colonel Mustard

Abby, Stephanie and the brat go through moldy old files. "The hall of records? This is more like the hall of dust," says the brat. Stephanie hopes Max and Mimi are somewhere nearby. An out of town rescue would be soooo inconvenient.

The brat gripes about spending Christmas going through files. She thinks Abby is doing this just to score points with Max.

Abby snorts, "We can split up your share of the files if you want."

The Christmas spirit abounds, "Don't get your thong in a twist, Abby."

Max hammers on the wall. Sweat glistens. He huffs and puffs like a locomotive. More loco than motive. He pounds a little hole in the bricks, but hurts his shoulder in the process. Mimi offers to rub it. Max says he just needs a couple minutes to work it out.

So, Mimi tries to give it a shot. Max tells her she's wasting her time, setting up the tired cliché where the weak little girl will show up the big strong guy. She winds up and takes an overdone girl-swing and, of course, the hammer goes right through the wall.

Lucas insists they can't set Sami up. As Lucas rants, Marlena notices Abe fumbling, bumbling and staggering around. Since this is normal for Abe, she goes back to the conversation.

Lucas forbids. Sami stares.

Will shakes a present under the tree and then answers a knock at the door. It's EJ, who asks if Sami is there. Will isn't too friendly. EJ asks about his emergency surgery. Will stares.

EJ thinks Will looks awfully chipper after an appendectomy. It's hard to believe he actually had the surgery. "So," says Will, "You're calling my mom a liar."

"Or you're a remarkably quick healer."

"See what good genes can do," says Will, "It's great to be young. Merry Christmas." Will slams the door. EJ struggles and tells him to open the door. Will locks it, grabs a first aid kit and performs an emergency fake-appendectomy on himself.

Sami says her mind is made up. She and Lucas leave to argue. Abe holds his head. Oh, the foreboding!

Marlena says when Sami sets her mind to something she goes overboard. Like mother, like daughter. Roman tells her Sami is the one they have to use. No one else can do the job. Marlena says Sami is their daughter and they don't use her for things lately.

Bo works on Marlena. He says EJ gave Sami a job she's not qualified for. EJ has his sights set on her.

John reminds everyone that nobody is going to tell Sami what to do.

Sami tells Lucas she thinks she can do this, "Don't lose faith in us after all this time. Don't lose faith in me."

Stephanie figures Victor could have Max and Mimi stashed anywhere. Chelsea thinks she found something. She shows them one of the documents.

Max thinks Mimi was able to slam through the wall only because he loosened the bricks before she took the swing. There are a few loose bricks here, but not in the wall. Mimi goes back to hammering.

"Not bad for a girl," says Max. They clear the bricks and find a dusty old room. Max brushes away the cobwebs, "Ladies first."

"Age before beauty," says Mimi. It's amazing. We actually get to see this gripping stuff for free. Max crawls in. Then Mimi. He wonders why they would hide a closet behind a wall. Max tries a door on the other side. He finally jars the door open and... SKELETON!!

Mimi lives the Nightmare Before Christmas as Mr. Bones rolls out of the closet and lands on top of her. Mimi screams like... well... like she's just been attacked by a skeleton. Max removes the body. As Max sits Mr. Bones up he notices he's wearing a Confederate uniform, "This guy is history!"

"No kidding," says Mimi.


Max asks, "How do you suppose he got here?"

"Victor is old enough he could have put him here," says Mimi. Max finds a wedding ring and removes it from his finger. We'll probably be seeing that little prop again. Mimi is sad Mr. Bones never got back to his family. Max finds a gun. He thinks he can blast the hatch with it.

The brat thinks Max and Mimi might be on an old farm outside of town. Abby thinks it's perfect. Stephanie is skeptical. Abby senses Max is on this farm somewhere.

"What makes you think that," asks Stephanie, "Is it the funny farm? "

Lucas insists he wouldn't lose faith in Sami, "This isn't about that. This is about EJ. I don't want you around him."

"So it's not about my safety," says Sami, "It's about jealousy." Zing.

Lucas blurts out, "No. It's not about jealousy. It's about protecting my wife."

The earth stops rotating, "Your wife. You called me your wife."

"That's not what I meant. It was an accident," says Lucas.

"A nice one," says Sami, "I liked hearing it. I like hearing you jealous."

"I'm not jealous," says Lucas, "I'm concerned."

"I like that too," says Sami. Lucas worries. Sami could wind up being a hostage.

Will lets EJ in. EJ grabs him. Will wiggles in pain, "Ooowwwww! My stitches."

"Yes," says EJ, "Your stitches. Let's have a look." He yanks up Will's sweater and inspects the bandage.

EJ looks around the apartment as Will taunts him. Finding nothing, EJ storms back into the hallway. "Where are you going," asks Will, "Let's have some tea sometime."

Lucas thinks there is something else going on. Sami says, "It was the look on my mom's face. She said she was proud of me. I want everyone I care about to look at me like that. Especially Will."

Sami's phone rings. Will tells her about EJ being there. Sami vows to help lock EJ up.

"Way to go, Mom," says Will, "you're awesome." Sami tells him to stay inside until they get home. She hangs up and tells Lucas he has to let her do this. He hauls her back in Abe's office. He announces that he's calling the shots. It's his terms or nothing. Group stare.

Stephanie thinks they should call Roman. The brat thinks Abby is doing this for Max. Abby says it's about making sure he is safe, "Are you with me or not."

Max inspects the gun, "There are two bullets in the chamber." Max the doofus whirls, twirls and plays like he's shooting the gun. "Ka-pow! Ka-pow!" Mimi squeals.

Mimi and Buffalo Bill go back in the other room. Max has decided he will use the gun to try to blow the hatch. He tells her she doesn't want to be anywhere near the gun when it fires. It will be really loud and could backfire. She begs him not to shoot it, "Don't do it, Max. Put the gun down and we'll find another way out of here. Please... Please!"

Abe holds his head. Marlena asks, "Abe? Are you OK?" Abe collapses like a living room wall in the path of Shawn's car.

John goes over to him and stoops down, "Are you all right, buddy?" Just peachy, John. Just peachy.

EJ meets Sami at Dune. She says she doesn't appreciate him scaring Will like that. EJ Asks, "If you were so concerned about your son, why did you leave him at home alone?"

Sami says, "Because, I went to see the police."

Roman and Bo stand outside and play spy. Roman talks into his radio, "It's going down according to plan."

The girls are at the farm. Stephanie and the brat tell Abby it's time to go. Abby wants to stay and look for Max. He needs their help. Stephanie says, "We might have done Max more harm than good already."

Max insists they found 'Stonewall' so he could help them get out of here, "Think of him as our skeleton key."

"I don't believe you just said that."

Max says he has plans for them when they get out of there. Mimi asks, "What?"

Max says, "Burying Stonewall, for one thing. Can we leave it at that?"

Max climbs the ladder and takes aim at the hatch, "One... two... three..."

Mimi screams, "MAX!!!"


Max lies on the floor. Mimi runs up and checks him out, "Don't you dare die on me! Wake up or I'll kill you!"

Max looks up at her and grins, "Hello."

"It didn't work did it," says Mimi.


Mimi is concerned about missing Christmas, "There is nothing like ruining Christmas for everyone is there?"

The girls go through their silly argument again. The brat thinks Mimi and Max will get closer since they are going through a dangerous situation together. Abby tells her to just go home.

EJ thinks there was something Sami wasn't telling him before she left Talladega. He also thinks Will's appendectomy wounds were questionable.

Sami is indignant, "Are you suggesting I would lie about my son?"

"You don't want me to answer that."

Sami starts to storm out. EJ grabs her, and then backs off. He has her sit down. Sami tells him she overheard her dad talking about new evidence in the Eve Michael's case, "They were talking about arresting you."

EJ asks, "Why are you doing this?"

Sami says, "I heard you on the phone in Talladega. I know who you are connected with. Whatever your motive may have been you helped me and said you liked me – my good and bad side. And... And it's Christmas. All family all the time. I have a family who kisses me and then stabs me behind my back. Lucas doesn't trust me with you. The truth is, I hate Christmas. Whatever has happened between us, there is something we can't deny. If Will hadn't needed me to rush off, who knows what might have happened."

The brat says she will go home, but she isn't walking. She thinks Abby is talking herself into something that doesn't exist with a guy that has no heart. Both Chelsea and Stephanie don't want to see Abby get hurt. Max broke both their harts and they don't want to see it happen to her next.

Abby says she will keep looking for Max no matter what. She will drive the brat home and then she and Stephanie will come back and look. "I think I'm going to bow out, too," says Stephanie.

Max and Mimi assess their situation. Max thinks they have to make the best of things and be hopeful, "Try it."

"You first," grumbles Mimi.

Max says, "We're both alive and healthy. I promise we'll get out. Soon. Give it more time."

"In the meantime?"

"It's Christmas right here," says Max, "We have music, food, water, Colonel Mustard."

Mimi conveniently saw a box with Christmas ornaments. She thanks Max for "being there" when she and Shawn split up. She doesn't know what she would have done without him. Max insists she did the same for him after his accident. She reminded him of what he is grateful for.

Lexie gives Abe a pill and chastises him for calling her instead of an ambulance.

Abe says, "I called you because I didn't think I really needed medical attention. I can't hand them a reason to fire me." Marlena suggests a friend who specializes in corneal transplants. Lexie says he could have another transplant.

"Right now," says Abe, "I'm seeing the world through Isaac's eyes. If I reject this transplant..."

"You won't be rejecting Isaac," says Lexie, "The longer you wait... I know you are scared. We'll do this together."

Abe tells Marlena to make the call, "OMG. I can barely see my hand in front of my eyes."

Lexie reassures him, "It'll be OK honey. I won't be your doctor."

EJ asks, "Is it that you want me as much as I want you? Or because it's over with Lucas?"

"I was an idiot to think I could get together with Lucas," says Sami, "If you were ever to give me another chance it would make me happy."

"Your father plans to arrest me," says EJ.

"That means you don't have a chance of being arrested," says Sami, "You can't let that happen. He won't let you leave town. I can help. There is a boathouse outside of town. If we agree to meet at sundown after Christmas..."

Lucas barges in. They argue and Lucas grabs her. EJ breaks it up. Lucas tells Sami they are going home, and hauls her out, "You stay away form her, Brit-boy!"

Sami and Lucas come out of Dune giggling. Roman is proud of her. Sami hopes EJ goes away for a long time.

EJ sits inside and takes a swig from the drink Sami left. Oh, the metaphor!

Abby is peeved Stephanie is bailing on her too, "Fine! I'll drop you both off and go alone. There is no Christmas Eve for me until Max is back."

"And Mimi," says the brat.

"Yeah," says Abby, "And Mimi."

Max and Mimi. Closer... Closer... Mimi gets a cobweb in her face. She has to go wash it off.

Lucas and Sami start to leave. Roman stops her and hugs her. He is proud of her. After they go, Roman tells Bo now they just have to wait and see if EJ calls their bluff. Bo wants the perfect Christmas present – he asks Roman to let him be the one to cuff EJ. Roman says, "You got it."

EJ is on his cell phone. He tells Patrick they will settle up the day after Christmas. He instructs Patrick to make sure Bo is aware he is leaving town with Hope. EJ will take care of everything else, "Everything..." FF.


Max says, "I've never met anybody like you." Mimi asks, "Is that a good thing?" Max says, "That's a really good thing." Kiss.

Belle hangs Claire's bulb. Shawn says, "You're right there with the rest of the family, Claire... for all the Days Of Our Lives."

Patch says, "If you could do a really big favor for me and my wife, I'd really appreciate it." Clay is just achin' to help, "Sure. I'd be happy to help. What can I do?" Patch says, "Man, you are the coolest."

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Merry Christmas, Losers!

Max and Mimi wake up after "sleeping together." Standard, trite, double-entendre laced, suggestive banter ensues. Mimi is glad Max was there to keep her warm.

Max says, "We're both adults – I use the term loosely – and it's not like either one of us are reading anything into it. They proceed to mutually read things into it. Closer... closer...

Shawn and Belle talk about Claire's trip to see Santa and reminisce about her first year. She was surprised Claire didn't cry when she was with Santa, and is really proud of Shawn because he didn't cry either. Belle thought this would be an unhappy Christmas but had a good day today. She's upset that they haven't found Max and Mimi, though. Shawn can't believe Victor would hurt them. He's decided to make peace with them when they come back. Even with Mimi. And he will ask Max for his job back. Belle doesn't want anything to do with the dirty money he earned.

Kayla and Hope decorate the tree at the pub. This used to be Hope's favorite time of year what with Christmas, her anniversary and her birthday.

Patrick interrupts, "We need to talk."

Roman, Abe, John and Marlena talk about EJ being Elvis. John is sure his plans will escalate. Bo barges in. Abe wonders why he is there. Roman says he asked him to come in. Abe isn't sure he should have done that. John supports him, "Besides, you're going to need Bo. As of right now, I'm resigning from the bad-guy business." Marlena is ecstatic.

Sami and Lucas arrive home. Lucas says she has to tell her dad what she heard in the hotel. She doesn’t want to go to the police. She wants it to be over. Lucas argues. Sami says, "I am afraid of EJ. He is violent. He is capable of anything – including murder." She won't give him a reason to target her, Lucas or Will.

Lucas reminds her of all the people who won't be spared if she doesn't tell. She has to come forward. Sami don' wanna. She doesn't want to mess things up. Lucas says things are already getting messed up. He wants her to show people the Sami he is proud of.

Roman asks John to reconsider. Marlena won't have it. They all work on Abe to reinstate Bo. Abe caves in. He gives Bo his gun and badge back. Abe says if he screws up he'll take them back with Bo's head. John turns to Marlena, "So, my dear... do you want to go try our hand at becoming Salem's most boring couple?"

Marlena asks, "Did Shawn and Caroline leave town? "

Outside, Marlena thanks him. John squints so hard he can see parallel universes. Marlena sees something is wrong. She thinks this is killing him. He says he did it for her. She was hoping he did it for both of them.

Hope tells Patrick this isn't a good time. Patch comes in and asks if there is a problem. Hope brushes him off. She and Patrick go outside.

Kayla tells him Hope can take care of herself. Patch says he has a surprise. A special present. He holds up two tickets to the upcoming Clay Akin concert.

"OK," says Kayla, "And what's the special present? "

Kayla is amazed he got the tickets since the concert has been sold out for so long, and thanks him. They unmercifully huckster Clay's Christmas CD. Oops, suddenly Kayla remembers something, "We can't go..."

Patrick says they are leaving tomorrow night. Hope says she can't go that close to Christmas. He reminds her of their deal. Hope is adamant. She won't go away on Christmas. Patrick has no choice but to call the DA.

Max backs off. Everybody is soooo sorry. They look around for something to help them get out. Max finds a hatchet, and then a sledgehammer. He tells Mimi to work on the boarded windows while he works on the trap door.

Shawn promises to figure out what to do with the dirty money. Claire drops one of her toys and a woman passing buy picks it up and hands it back. Her name is Beverly. She thinks they make a handsome family. Belle tells her they are not "together." Poor Beverly won't get to see her family this holiday. She has someone in the military. She asks what Shawn does for a living. Shawn stares, which, at the moment, is pretty much what he does for a living.

Max and Mimi chop and hammer. Mimi says it isn't working. They hear something. Footsteps... upstairs.

John vows to do what is best for the both of them. Sami arrives and welcomes Marlena back. She tells them why she is there. John's eyebrows do the Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies.

Shawn says he is "between jobs." Belle tells Beverly she is a stay at home mom. Beverly thinks that is wonderful. She wishes them luck and leaves. Belle feels bad that Beverly won't be able to spend Christmas with her family. They decide to go shopping for underprivileged kids with EJ's money.

Kayla reminds Patch of the traditional Brady Christmas. Patch thinks others can take care of the festivities so they can go to the concert. Kayla tells him Alice wants him to read the Christmas story this year. He thinks he is the wrong dude for that. Kayla presses. No one has ever refused. Patch caves in, on one condition. The minute they are done they go to the concert. She agrees. Hugs.

Patrick threatens to call the DA and press charges against Bo. Hope calls his bluff. She grabs the phone and says she will dial the number for him. He asks why she is being difficult. She says she will allow him to have access to the baby and that is it, "If you keep playing this little game I will make a few rules of my own. Starting with not going anywhere with you on Christmas."

Sami tells the crowd in Abe's office what she knows. Abe vows he will protect her. John shows them the death card. Abe contemplates.

Max yells for help and pounds. Mimi joins in. Someone upstairs pounds back. Upstairs, Freddie the Freeloader says he wants money for helping them, "How much you got?"

Hope has Patrick look inside the pub, "That's my family. That's what we do on Christmas. It's my first Christmas without Zack. I need to be with my family."

Patrick says, "You go be with your family... enjoy." He sulks off with his tail between his legs.

Kayla makes plans for the reading and the concert, "There is just one thing left."

Patch asks, "What's that."

Kayla asks, "Did you write that letter?"

Patch says he wrote it, "I mailed it this morning. I asked Santa for a Playstation 3."

Roman wants to know why John didn't show them the death card sooner. John says it's a personal thing. Lucas says they owe Sami protection. Roman says they will put protection outside her apartment and EJ will think they are watching him. He sends Marlena, Sami and Lucas outside.

Bo gives his "Wells needs to be behind bars" speech. Roman says they need to bring him in. Abe isn't sure they have enough on him. John says they have to bluff him.

Lucas has to go off and respond to emails. Marlena is so proud of Sami – doing what she did was brave. Sami sees Marlena's hand and asks what happened.

"Age spots are nothing to be concerned about," says Marlena. Sami notices her ring. Marlena gives her the news bulletin, "John and I got married in Italy. I know you wanted me to marry Roman. But look at it on the bright side... John used to be Roman."

Max tells Freddie the Freeloader just to let them out. The tramp asks about money. Max and Mimi go through their wallets and come up with sixty bucks.

"Not enough," says Freddie. Max slams the butt end of the sledgehammer against the trap door. Freddie says he'll open the door but wants the money first. Max doesn't trust him. He says he will give him half the money, and then give him the rest when he opens the door. Freddie wants it all now, "We're not idiots," lies Max, "Take it or leave it."

"OK," says Freddie, "Deal."

Max pushes the money up, "Let us out and you'll get the rest."

Freddie yells back down at them, "You got a bad attitude, and I'm not feeling the trust. Merry Christmas, Losers!" Freddie takes the money and runs.

John says they have no evidence on EJ; EJ is holding all the aces. They need to find somebody EJ trusts who can tell him the authorities are preparing an arrest warrant against him. EJ will spring into action. They suggest Kate, but she is out of town. They need someone who can SEDUCE him into believing he has to get his butt out of town. The group stares at poor Sami through the blinds in the window.

Marlena tells Sami she loves John, just like Sami loves Lucas. Sami says, "Brace yourself, Mom – better late than never, right? You deserve to be happy more than anyone. I am sorry about my childish obsession wanting my Mom and Dad to be together. I know John loved me and was a good father to me, but from the moment I saw you in that conference room I was obsessed with the idea that everything was his fault."

Marlena says, "What happened in that room was as much my fault as John's. You've found a way to forgive me, right?"

"Of course. I love you."

"I love you too," says Marlena, "And John loves you. No matter how you feel about him he will always think of you as his daughter."

Max yells, "We had a deal!"

"Let us out," screams Meems.

Freddie says, "I will say a prayer for you while I m eating my steak." He covers the trap door with a rug.

Mimi doesn’t know how much more she can take.

Max flings the sledgehammer against the wall. "Did you hear that," he asks, "There is something behind that wall."

Kayla says Patch did the right thing by sending the letter. It will give Billie closure. He hopes so. He just wants to get on with his life with the woman he loves.

Hope walks in with the baby. And Claire. Shawn follows. Kayla wishes her a happy birthday. Hugs from Patch. Caroline dotters in. She asks if they have heard anything. No. Hope promises they will, though.

Shawn and Belle lay out the presents. Caroline is grateful the Brady Horton tradition continues no matter what.

Max thinks the wall may be hollow. He taps a knuckle against his head and then against the wall. Same sound, "It's definitely hollow."

Roman says they aren't putting his daughter at risk. Bo says they will protect her. Sami is their only shot.

Sami says she doesn't hate John, "Detest is a better word." He used to make her so angry. But no matter what she did to him he would never hate her back, "I will be better with John from now on – for him, for you, for Will, for all of us, for all the Days Of Our Lives." Hugs.

The Dud Squad comes out of Abe's office. Abe tells Sami they want to set a trap for EJ.

John says, "In other words, we need someone who can help set him up."

Roman says, "We'd like you to be that someone."


Setup continues at the pub. Patch says something isn't quite right. He has Kayla follow him to the mistletoe. Giggles and smooches. Belle and Caroline go make eggnog. Shawn tells Hope he took EJ's money and bought toys for the disadvantaged kids. "I love you Shawn Douglas," says Hope.

Pan to shoes walking in the snow. Pan up to an ID card with a five-pointed star. You knew you'd be hearing from Beverly again, didn't you? She watches through the window, picks up her phone and says, "Mr. Kiriakis? I made contact, and will proceed as planned."

Max strips to the waist. He just couldn't swing that sledgehammer with his bulky shirt on, even though it's supposedly freezing down there. Mimi stands back for a better view. Max says, "Our future is behind this wall." John Henry goes into action.

Sami is stunned, not to mention outnumbered, "Abe... Roman... John... You can't be serious!"

John assures her she will be protected. Roman tells her the plan. She will tell EJ she will help him get out of town safely. Sami agrees, "OK, I'll do it."

Lucas steps up behind her, "Like hell you will." FF Sami.


Mimi begs, "Don't do it, Max. Put the gun down and we'll find another way out of here. Please... Please!"

Abby says to Stephanie and Chelsea, "I'm going to keep looking for Max. I don't care what you guys say."

Marlena asks, "Abe? Are you OK?" Abe collapses.

EJ Asks, "If you were so concerned about your son, why did you leave him at home alone?" Sami says, "Because, I went to see the police."

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Auntie M's Root Cellar

Billie hugs Steve. She's been going crazy waiting for him to get back. Steve needs some place private to talk. Billie is happy he wants to be alone with her.

Roman and Bo sit at a table in the pub. They talk about the Max, Mimi, Victor situation. "My old man," says Bo, "What a guy."

"Hey," says Roman, "Pop is your real dad. Mom made a mistake, but she stayed married to him all these years anyway." Bo thinks Victor had Phillip stashed in the mansion. Roman knows how Bo can help, even though he's suspended.

Mimi and Max sit back-to-back tied up. Mimi tells Max she's scared. Max says if Victor wanted to hurt them he would have done it by now.

"We're not exactly on a Hawaiian cruise," says Mimi.

Max assures her, "We're gonna get out of here."

Mimi asks, "What's the plan?" Max contemplates.

Patrick meets EJ in a dive in Talladega that Patrick refers to as "the armpit of the world." He says it wasn't easy getting there.

"Nothing is easy for you," says EJ, "especially thinking." He tells Patrick John knows everything. EJ has two tickets back to Salem. They are going together. OK, so to recap, EJ had Patrick fly to Talladega so he could tell him they were flying back to Salem.

Abby feels weird about the brat knowing how she feels about Max. The brat promises not to say anything. She assures Abby Max can take care of himself.

Meanwhile, back at the dungeon, Max says they need to loosen the ropes. They are able to stand up. Max has Mimi wiggle her body to loosen the ropes.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. See Mimi wiggle. Wiggle, Mimi, wiggle. It doesn't work. Mimi thinks they need a knife, "There must be something sharp in this dungeon, and it sure ain't us."

Max has her squirm around so they can get face to face. Mimi makes it around but... TIIIMMMM–BEERRR!

Billie is giddy. She can't remember the last time she has been this happy. She finally shuts up and gives Patch a chance to ruin her life. "Things didn't quite work out the way I said on the phone," says Patch, "When I talked to you, things were over with me and Kayla. I meant every word."

Billie says, "You're trying really hard to tell me something and..." Kayla walks into the scene. Billie goes on, "I didn't let you get to the punch line."

Roman tells Bo he can go through maps and come up with suggestions where Max and Mimi are based on properties Victor owns. Bo insists he should be out there looking for Max and Mimi. Roman asks, "Does your wife have a say in this?"

"Does a one-legged duck swim in circles," asks Bo.

Patrick says EJ has DiMera protection but he doesn't. EJ says he calls the shots. Patrick says he is getting out and going someplace where they can't find them.

EJ says, "Too bad you'll be missing your own mother's funeral."

Patrick tells EJ to leave his mother out of this. EJ reminds Patrick Bonnie blackmailed him, "It is because of your big mouth we are becoming a couple of fugitives, so shut your bloody cake hole and listen to me."

Bo talks to Hope. It seems Roman told her that he and Steve broke into Victor's. Bo tries to talk his way out of the doghouse. He's sorry. "I'm not," says Hope, "I think you're a great guy."

Billie says she's leaving. Steve doesn't have to explain things. Patch says, "I got my memory back." Kayla signals she is heading inside the pub.

Steve knows Billie is hurting. He hates he did this to her. Billie insists she did this to herself, "Really... It's great you got your memory back."

Roman sits with Abby and the brat. He tells them they think Victor had Max and Mimi abducted to keep them from telling about Phillip. He assures them Victor won't hurt them, "The cops are going to look every damn place they might be. But, they are short of manpower. So YOU can help." The girls stare.

Max tells Mimi to put her hand in his pocket so she can get his knife. She works her hand down inside. Deeper... deeper... "How deep is that pocket? Wait! There's something!"

Max goes wide-eyed, "OK, THAT WAS DEFINITELY NOT MY KNIFE!" Mimi's eyes pop out.

EJ tells Patrick they were sent to Salem with a purpose. He asks if Hope has agreed to the trip.


"So," says EJ, "You got your way. When we get back, call her up and tell her the plans are pushed forward a bit. The Bradys and Hortons will have to do without her this holiday season. You have to get her on a plane and wait for my instructions. You will do anything I ask you to do."

Patrick says, "I am telling you how it is going to be and nobody is going to hurt Hope. If you wanna kill me go right ahead."

Hope doesn't think this was the smartest thing Bo ever did. We have a moment of silence as Hope lists all the smart things he has done. "But you defended the family," says Hope, "Do me a favor. Don't get arrested again. I want you home, in bed with me. I could have lost this."

Bo says, "That will never happen again."

Kayla interrupts. Bo tells her to take a hike, "I'm trying to score here."

Kayla tells them OMB is at the garage and refuses to come home until Max' refrigerator runs out of beer. She hates to see Billie get hurt. Bo thinks Steve can take care of that. She thanks them for being patient with Steve. She is soooo happy.

Hope says, "Oh honey, you're such a girl."

Kayla thanks her.

"I was talking to Bo," says Hope.

Kayla remembers Bo telling her that her heart is a compass. Hope couldn't live without him. For the moment, the shrew has been tamed.

Billie says Patch should have called her and told her all this so she could have gotten on him for telling her over the phone instead of in person. Patch says, "Don't think this is nothing to me. I didn't want to hurt you. Everything was running through my mind so fast I couldn't absorb it all. I have a slow motion mind in a fast-forward world. Then, I had an epiphany. My life totally changed. I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

Billie gets it. She says she is happy for them, "I just have one question. What was I to you?"

Roman tells the kids Salem cops don't always have their fingers on the pulse of young people, "In fact, Salem cops couldn't find a pulse if they had a stethoscope with an amplifier. You both know where the hangouts are. You know... abandoned houses where kids can hang out to get away from older people." He wants them to go to these places to look for Max and Mimi, "And talk to their friends. Come down to the station first thing in the morning. We will get them home safe."

Mimi digs for the knife. Max says, "We're close."

"We're too close," says Mimi, "I feel like I'm shooting g an x-rated movie. This is the weirdest thing I have ever done."

"I hope so," says Max. Mimi gets the knife. "You're incredible," he says.

Mimi says, "You probably say that to everyone who sticks her hand in your pocket." Mimi cuts the ropes and they untie themselves and stand up.

Max contemplates the last few minutes. He smiles and says, "That wasn't too bad."

Mimi snorts, "Get your mind out of the gutter. We still have to get out of this place."

Billie asks again, "What was it to you."

"I wish you wouldn't do this," says Patch. He stares into space as the brat walks out of the pub.

"Your silence is deafening," says Billie. She turns and bawls. Patch is really sorry. He walks off. The brat comes up and hugs her. Tears and teeth gritting.

Max and Mimi bang around the place, but can't find a way out. Mimi figures they're in a basement, "I wonder who's it is, Victors?"

"Oh, yeah," says Max, "Victor lives in a mansion, and his basement looks like Auntie M's root cellar."

Mimi figures they are in a church. She thinks she knows which one it may be. She describes a little church on the outskirts of town. Max nukes, "So what you're saying is we are in the middle of nowhere!" Mimi is starving.

EJ thinks it's funny Hope thinks she's carrying Patrick's baby. Patrick says he isn't going to hurt Hope. EJ chuckles, "You really have the hots for her, don't you. I don't blame you; she's a tasty piece."

Patrick snarls, "Shut your mouth! I'm telling you how it's going to be. Nobody is going to hurt Hope."


EJ says, "When the time comes, you will do what I ask. I am taking the bigger burden here. I am the one who will end up with blood on his hands."

"Who's blood," asks Patrick. EJ smiles.

Max finds an old mattress. Mimi gets altar cloths for blankets. Max says, "There is a drain and a rusty sink in the back room for washing you hands and..."


"It's better than nothing, Mimi."

Max finds a picnic basket, "Well, it looks like Victor didn't want us to starve." Max assures her there will be a way out. Mimi is glad she's not there alone. She's glad it's him she's with.

"There is no one else I'd rather go slowly out of my mind with," says Max.

Bo wonders how many properties Victor owns here in Salem. He thinks they could find out at the hall of records.

Abby heads for home to make a list of all the places to look. She interrupts Chelsea and Billie on the way out. She and the brat make plans to meet tomorrow. The brat goes back to Billie. She says she is really sorry. She knows it never helped that she never liked Patch.

Billie asks, "I wonder how many times you can get your heart broken and go on living."

"I'm really sorry," says the brat, "I'm gonna get a job and help out so we can get our own apartment together."

Patch sits with Kayla. He didn't realize Billie would be there, "It's a big mess." Kayla suggests writing her a letter.

Roman sits with Bo and Hope, "You won't believe what John found out."

Patrick asks, "Who are you going to kill, EJ?"

"Making the Brady's lives miserable is only the overture," says EJ, "Three men are going to die – the first before I leave Salem."

"Who is it," says Patrick, "I have a lot of friends in Salem."

EJ says, "I don't remember you being so concerned when you were following me around Europe, begging for my lifestyle. You knew I was a DiMera. You were in it for yourself. Now you have to pay me back. John Black is the man. And if you breathe a word to a soul I will add your body to the pile." Wink.

Max wires up a radio. Mimi comes out from the back room and says the water is like ice. She would give anything for a hot bath. Max tells her to pretend they are camping.

He finds a Spanish station. He starts to change it, but Mimi likes the music, "Let's leave it on."

Patrick wants to know why EJ is doing this, "Tell Stefano you can't finish the job."

"I am a DiMera," says EJ, "I will not fail!"

"If you kill John you won't leave Salem alive," says Patrick, "And I will be cheering with everyone as they hang you from the highest light pole."

Roman drops the Elvis bomb, "John has a plan. He will fill Abe and me in tomorrow morning."

"What time," says Bo, "I'll be there."

Billie asks if she heard correctly, "YOU are getting a job?"

"Lonely Splicer says work is the way we sing," says the brat, "I don't know what it means, but it's cool."

"It might be the most intelligent thing I've ever heard your mystery man say," says Billie.

The brat thinks having their own place would be cool, "If we brought a guy over we wouldn't have to worry about Bon-Bon strutting around in her bra and panties."

"Or Patrick," says Billie. Billie chuckles and says she didn't think she'd be laughing anytime soon.

He brat asks, "You're not gonna let that pirate ruin your life, are you?"

Patch thinks writing a letter would just make things worse. Kayla tells him to go for it.

EJ tells Patrick to wait. He can expect one last message telling him how to deal with Hope. Then he will never hear from EJ again.

Patrick asks, "Who are the other two?"

"I can't tell you," says EJ, "The writers haven't decided yet. But you can expect a surprise on the order of a hurricane for your friends in Salem."

Roman says Abe won't be happy if Bo shows up at the station. Hope asks Roman to let him help. "OK," says Roman, "But when Abe blows up, I'm ducking."

Bo thanks him as Roman leaves. Hope says, "And thank you for being Bo Brady." Smooch.

Patch agrees to write the letter. "It won't be poetry. She will still think I am a jerk. I am. You do love me don't you?"


Patch says, "Let's go home and get naked."

"And you said you weren't a poet."

Billie watches them through the window and sulks. She turns to the brat, smiles and says, "Come on, let's go home."

Mimi thinks the music sounds happy. Max thinks it's time for bed.

Mimi looks at the tiny mattress, "Max... it's a small bed. We should make some decisions before we sleep together."

"Yeah," says Max, "Good idea." FF Mimi.


Sami tells Lucas, "I am afraid of EJ. He is violent. He is capable of anything – including murder."

Patrick tells Hope, "You go be with your family... enjoy."

Kayla says, "There is just one less thing." Patch asks, "What's that." Kayla asks, "Did you write that letter to Billie?"

Abe says, "Sami, we would like to set a trap for EJ Wells." John says, "In other words, we need someone who can help set him up." Roman says, "We'd like you to be that someone." Sami gives her quizzical look.

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