Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Svengali vs. Jack the Ripper

Jed and Abby are at dinner at Chez Rouge. Maggie serves. It's on the house, of course. As she leaves the table she bends down to Abby and whispers, "He's hot!"

Jed thinks beauty runs in Abby's family, not that he's ever seen any of them. Abby tells him to work on his material. "You're beautiful," says Jed, " And that's a fact. It isn't a line."

Abby says she doesn't hear things like that often. "Then guys in this town are crazy," says Jed.

Max rushes into Mimi's place. Mimi tells him Bonnie somehow made bail. Nick arrives. He says he just came from the lab. He tells them there were traces of blood on the ring. The blood wasn't Bonnie's... It was Mimi's. Psycho shower-scene music plays in the background.

The suspense is over. It's Lucas at EJ's door. EJ opens his bathrobe, flashes Sami and gives her a stupid smile. He tells her to run out the fire escape. Instead, Sami opens the door. Lucas wants to know what she is doing there. He asks if EJ called him. EJ says he did. Lucas asks why he hung up. EJ says he didn't hang up, Sami did. Lucas wants the truth.

Patch arrives at his apartment and cards the door. He has a key, but carding the door is way cooler. Kayla comes out and finds him. She's glad he came home. Steve asks about John. "He's doing great for a man in a vegetative state missing half his vital organs," says Kayla. Kayla says she told the hospital about the unorthodox operation. She thinks she will lose her license now. She hands Patch the phone and tells him to turn himself in. Patch can't do that. He's getting out of town. He asks for money and directions to Shawn and Belle's island.

Kayla begs him not to go. He says he doesn't have a choice. More begging. More no-choicing. Patch rages. He says he can't win this one. Kayla refuses to help him. He says he has to go, "You know you can't stop me."

"Don't be so sure about that." Careful, Patch. She already ripped John's guts out today.

Lucas says he agreed to work for Myth-Ick if EJ would move out. EJ didn't live up to his end of the bargain. EJ makes excuses. He had work to do. Lucas thinks EJ wants to stay there to be closer to Sami.

Jed asks about the guy Abby is seeing. She says she lied, and really isn't seeing anyone. But she likes a guy who is involved with a girl who is in a mess right now. That narrows it down to most of the population of Salem. Jed says the girlfriend normally wins in cases like that.

The aforementioned girlfriend can't believe it's her blood on the ring. Nick decides they are about to kill the messenger, and leaves. Mimi breaks down as Bonnie comes home. Mimi wants to know who gave her the bail money. Victor. He took pity on her. Mimi thinks she's lying. She tells Bonnie the only evidence is the ring with her blood on it, "Explain that one, Mom."

"I told you to leave it alone," says Bonnie, "Nick's wrong."

Mimi doesn't buy it. She screams, "For once in your life just tell me the truth."

Bonnie says, "OK I'll tell you but you're not going to like it. In fact you'll wish you never knew."

Abby tells Jed he doesn't know anything about this. He apologizes for prying. He tells her to give it her best shot if she likes the guy. "This relationship wouldn't be for all the Days Of Our Lives," says Abby, "But we just click."

Jed understands, "It's like you meet someone and they fill up that hole that is there." He wonders why she changed her mind and went out with him. Abby says she went out with him as a friend. He tells her when he likes someone he goes for it.

Steve and Kayla go over well-trodden ground. She begs. He refuses. You zap.

EJ thinks Lucas' accusations are tiresome. EJ says he asked for Lucas to meet with him for some truth telling. Sami wants to leave but EJ stops her, "Lucas, I know sometimes you must think I am Svengali and sometimes you think I am Jack the Ripper. I gave you a job when no one would touch you with a ten-foot pole. And all I get is insubordination and the insinuation that I am lying."

"I'm not insinuating anything," says Lucas, "I am being direct."

"Then let me be direct," says EJ. He turns to Sami, "You want the truth, sunshine? I've got it coming to you in spades."

EJ says he never had any intention of moving out – because of Sami. He wants to be near her, "And because I have the maturity of a fifteen year old I don't want anyone else to get my girl." Fifteen year olds everywhere gasp at the insult. "What are the consequences if I don't move out?"

"I'll quit and take my family to another town," says Lucas.

"I like that feeling of being hit in the forehead by a two-by-four when I see someone who I'm in love with," says Jed."

"Gosh," says Abby, "You must've been in love a lot. But I think it's romantic."

"It got me in," says Jed.

Bonnie slugs down a drink, "OK Meems, here's what happened..."

Flashback... "Your father came home smelling of booze and cheap perfume. He was always trying to turn me on like that. He was unemployed and spending every dollar we had on floozies. He was never violent with me before, but I pushed him beyond his breaking point. He knocked me down. He came after me again. Out of nowhere, you came in. You grabbed him and he hit you with the hand with the ring. And that's how the blood got there."

Mimi says she doesn't remember any of this. She swears Bonnie is lying. Bonnie claims it's the truth.


"After he hit you he came at me again," says Bonnie as the flashback continues, "He tried to strangle me. That's when you picked up Connor's bat and hit him." Psycho shower-scene music plays in the background.

In the flashback, Mimi swings for the fences and smacks her dad. David staggers around the room in one of the longest Hollywood deaths on record. "Oh," he gasps, "I coulda had a V-8! "

"You hit him," says Bonnie, "He fell. There was blood... and he was dead."

"No! I didn't," screams Meems, "I couldn't kill my own father!"

More Steve and Kayla. Patch comes out as she hangs up the phone and tells him she was calling the hospital to say she wouldn't be in today. More begging. More refusing. He wants to know why she keeps giving him second chances. Because she loves him. He tells her to give up on him. He is a danger to her. Kayla says, "If you wanna walk out that door, you'll have to kill me first."

Steve says, "I just want to get the newspaper. Now I don't know whether to kill you or just read it on the Internet."

EJ says Lucas has a deal. "You're moving out," asks Sami. Yes. EJ is moving. Lucas will be happy to help. He goes to get boxes.

Sami starts to leave. EJ grabs her, "Where did you think you are going, Blondie? I'm keeping my deal with your boy so you keep your deal with me. You find out what the police have on me, or I let Lucas know that may not be his baby you're carrying." Lucas walks in and we have the "it's supposed to look like I just heard all that but I didn't" moment.

Maggie comes up to Abby and Jed's table and makes small talk. Suddenly, she sees Willow across the room and heads over to talk to her. Abby says, "This could be bad. That girl used to be a prostitute. Her name is Willow Stark."

"Perhaps I should introduce myself," says Jed, "My name is Jed... Jed STARK. Willow is my sister!" Psycho shower-scene music plays in the background.

Mimi is hysterical. Bonnie tries to get through to her. Bonnie tells her she tranqued her after the murder, and when Mimi woke up she conveniently didn't remember anything. Bonnie called Patrick and they took the body to the church. Mimi wails, "All those years I thought he was on the road he was roadkill."

Bonnie says she will protect her. Just to make sure, she wants Mimi to leave Salem for good. The audience gives a standing ovation.

Patch warns Kayla. She says he can warn and threaten or even kill her but she isn't stepping aside. Steve sobs. She says she's going to call her brothers and they will help. Patch is uncharacteristically calm, "Call anyone you want." Kayla dials. Patch bolts for the door. He hurls it open to find a couple of cops standing there.

Patch has a meltdown, "You didn't call the hospital before! You set me up!"

Clueless Jed wonders why Abby called Willow a prostitute.

Willow asks Maggie for her old job back. Maggie refuses.

Jed walks up, "Hey, Willie."


"What's going on?"

"I was here on business," says Willow, "I'll call you later." He accuses her of lying.

Nick finds Abby. He tells her she looks like she is watching a train wreck. "Yeah," says Abby, "They're showing DOOL on the TV over the bar. My date went off the tracks, too."

Bonnie swears she isn't lying. She says it's too late to undo things because hiding the body was a crime, too. She's in it up to her ears. She begs Mimi to let her make up for a lifetime of bad choices. Bonnie asks Max to step in and support her. She begs Mimi to go to Arizona with Connor, "You have to go tonight."

Mimi flashes back to the murder and reels. Max says Bonnie is right. She's gotta go. In more ways than one.

Patch rages at Kayla for setting him up. He tries to run but the cops grab him.

Lucas brings boxes and tape into EJ's apartment. He asks Sami to go celebrate, "See ya at the office, boss."

Sami attacks him in the hallway, "You were amazing. The way you handle duct tape turns me on."

Willow wants to talk later. Jed wonders how she got the tuition money. "I can't...," cries Willow. She runs out.

Abby steps in and tells Jed to leave her alone. Jed chases.

Abby says turns to Nick and says, "It's official I am a failure at dating."

Nick says, "I think I have an idea. I know a way to turn things around for both of us."

Max says he doesn't understand. Maybe there is a grand reason why they found Mimi's dad walled up in the church. But he tells Mimi it's right that Bonnie wants a future for her. Mimi is a fountain of tears.

Mimi acts as if she cares and asks what will happen to Bonnie. Bonnie says she'll turn on her charm and the judge will go easy on her. Mimi guesses this is it for her and Max, too. She hopes there is more than one of him out there. The world hopes there is only one Mimi. Mimi bawls, "I love you, Mom." Bonnie loves her. Max and Mimi leave.

Bonnie breaks down, "God... Oh God!"

Jed walks outside Chez Rouge and yells for Willow.

Maggie is on her phone, "Give me a call. I need to talk about Willow and her baby."

Nick suggests they go on a double date, "You and Jed, Chelsea and me."

Abby says, "There is no me and Jed. He's just a nice guy whose life I just ruined."

Nick says he just saw Max and Mimi, "They seemed tighter than ever. It's time to move on." Abby agrees.

Lucas and Sami steam up the hallway. Sami says she went to EJ to tell him to stop playing games with them. Lucas insists he can fight his own battles. She begs him not to push EJ. Lucas suggests a shower – together.

EJ comes out and dials his phone, "I'm calling about my father. Was the operation a success? Good. I want an update every half hour. When he wakes, tell him our plans will proceed."

The cop reads Patch his rights. Patch can't believe Kayla betrayed him like this. The cops tell him he has the right to an attorney. Patch tells them they have the right to shut up. He turns to Kayla, "You just signed my death warrant, baby, and this time I won't be coming back!" The cops haul him out like yesterday's garbage.

FF Kayla.

Don't miss this week's thrilling episode of Survivor. Participants discover Shawn and Belle and vote themselves off the island, making the loser stay.


Willow says to Hope, "If something were to happen to me, like I show up dead and the autopsy shows this baby is Shawn's, you're rep as Saint Hope would be gone."

Shawn says, "All Willow Stark meant to me was just sex." Belle asks, "So how do I know when you put your hands all over me it's not just sex?"

Kayla bawls, "I want the man I love to come home with me." Patch says, "I'm gonna die there. And I'm gonna die knowing that you killed me."

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Cunning, Deceitful and Manipulative

EJ sits in his bathrobe and ruffles his newspaper, preparing for a quiet evening, which we all know will never happen. He hears a knock and says, "Coming Samantha!"

Sami stands at his door and asks, "How did you know it was me?"

"I've been expecting you."

Sami wants to talk. She wants to know why he followed them to Chez Rouge last night. EJ tells her with affairs to the heart, honesty is the best policy, "I'm gonna tell Lucas his wife-to-be slept with another man."

Abby comes into the garage and yells, "MAX!" Max is working under the hood of a car. He hears Abby, jerks up and slams his head into the open hood. Hope he didn't damage it – the hood, that is. Abby is glad he called. They discuss Bonnie's murder confession. Abby thinks Max should be with Mimi in her time of tribulation. Max thinks Mimi counts on him too much, "Her family is a train wreck. I need a break from it. The truth is... Mimi is squeezing me dry."

The nurses in the lab advise Nick not to start anything. Dr. Prevert walks in, and then Dr. Endo comes in with the brat. He wants to talk to Dr. Prevert privately.

Dr. Prevert looks shocked and confused. The brat chimes in, "Did you think I would let you get away with it?"

Shawn and Belle worry about food. Shawn has some of the island's indigenous cuisine. He tells her he just grabbed whatever looked tasty. Belle thinks it could be poisonous. "There is only one way to find out," says Brainiac. He and Belle decide to "flip" to see who will be the guinea pig. "Tails," says Shawn, as he pops a berry into his mouth, "You lose."

Abby tells Max he isn't doing anything wrong. Abby thinks Mimi understands. Max isn't so sure, "Good guys don't bail. I'm sick of hearing my own voice telling her it will be OK."

"So is the audience," says Abby. She tells him he cares a lot and a real jerk wouldn't care. She volunteers to help with his backlog. Some work with her hands might relax her.

EJ says he isn't playing a game. He intends to tell Lucas the truth. Sami says it will be the biggest mistake of his life. She tells him they both got what they wanted that night and eventually it will be proved he shot John. EJ says body and soul are forever. Sami insists, "You raped me!"

"No matter what you say," says EJ, "There was more to what happened that night than saving Lucas' life."

Sami wants to know why he is trying to ruin her life.

Endo says Chelsea has launched a complaint. Dr. Prevert gives his side, "Obviously miss Brady is a pathological liar."

Abby inspects a set of wrenches. Max tells her she is amazing. He reminisces about learning to change oil with Pop. If she keeps hanging around he might tell her everything. She asks him to grab her a soda while she gets back to work.

"OK lady," says Max, "You got it." He turns to go into the office and whispers, "Do you ever."

Shawn says the berry tastes like chicken. Brain-dead Belle doesn't get it. "I'M KIDDING," says Shawn, "Its' better than Brussels sprouts." Suddenly, Shawn hitches and heaves. Belle panics. Shawn erupts like the island volcano.

Dr. Prevert says Chelsea needs professional help, and he can recommend a good shrink. Nick steps up to the plate. He says he was there and saw him groping her. "Gimme a break," says Dr. Prevert, "You told me how you've been trying to get into her pants for months." He tells Dr. Endo Nick lies too.

"You should look at the evidence," says Nick.

EJ says this is classic Sami, lying and then lapping up all the attention. Sami claims he forced her to lie – She saved Lucas' life, and she deserves for everyone to be proud of her, "Do you know how much I have wanted that, and for how long? What is with you, anyway? You could have any woman you want. Why do you want me?"

"The only thing I want," says EJ, "is to be the father of my child. And I won't let some dime-a-dozen loser like Lucas stand in the way. We are bound together forever."

Abby finishes working on the car. Jed walks in and, of course, it turns out to be his car. Abby says she owes him an apology. She thought he was hitting on her when he said he had car trouble.

Not to worry, Jed WAS hitting on her, so he apologizes, too. Max conveniently gets a call from Mimi and steps into the other room.

Jed didn't know Abby could fix cars or he wouldn't have given up so fast.

"It wasn't so bad going down," says Shawn, "But coming up..." Belle suggests eating coconuts. "You got a drill," asks Shawn, "There is no way we can get them open without one."

Belle decides it's her turn to try some of the potentially poison food. Shawn immediately pops another.

Nick whips out his cell phone and shows Dr. Endo an incriminating picture he took last night. Endo hauls Dr. Prevert upstairs.

Nick tells the brat he thought she'd be mad if she knew he took the picture. She thanks him. He says everyone who works here is grateful to her, "Rebert put the moves on others. You're like Norma Ray." The brat gives him a blank stare. "You know," says Nick, "Erin Brockovitch... Laura Croft... Debra Norville..."

A dim bulb lights up over the brat's head, "Ohhhh... it's a compliment."

Sami rants. She tells EJ he doesn't know for sure if it's his kid. EJ points out that Lucas doesn't either, "Seems only sporting to let him know. There is no evidence that I forced you."

Sami thinks the police might like to hear how EJ escaped the roadblock. She wants to make a deal. EJ was hoping they would get to that position.

Jed gets in and starts his car. He compliments her work. She says Max did most of it. Jed tells her he has to wait on Max for the bill so she has to entertain him.

"Guess again," says Abby, "I've just spent hours in the library and then came here. It's been a long day." Jed says his sister came up with tuition at the last minute and he's trying to catch up on all his work, so he's wiped, too, "What would you say if I asked you out." Abby kind of rolls her eyes and gives him a blank stare.

Shawn says he feels better. It looks like the berries are OK, but he doesn't know where he could get more, "How do you feel about squirrels?"

"To eat," asks Belle, "You can't be serious."


Belle reels in horror, "You would kill a bunny?" If the pioneer women of the early nineteenth century would have been like Belle, the western boundary of the United States would be Pittsburgh.

"We have to eat something," says Shawn.

Well, you'd better believe Belle the trooper isn't feeding her child a shish-ka-bobbed animal, "Fish are OK," says Belle, "But only the ugly ones."

They decide will stick to the wild berry south island fish diet and shed all those unwanted pounds.

"That's the spirit," says Belle, "How many pounds would you like to shed?"

"How much do you weigh," asks Shawn.

Shawn decides he's glad he's on the island. Belle says, "Stuck with me."

Shawn says, "Gladly." They hold hands.

EJ says the Salem PD is interested in his case again. He knows her daddy runs the PD, so she can con Roman and make some inquires to find out what they are up to. Sami points out the Salem PD doesn't discuss its inquiries with just anyone.

"Yes," says EJ, "But Samantha darling, you are not just anyone. You are quite the most cunning, deceitful and manipulative person I have ever met... not related to me. With the right incentive you could get your daddy to tell you everything I need to know."

Jed says it's his fault they started off on the wrong foot. Abby says she's seeing someone... kinda. Jed tells her he is majoring in business. He's going to run his own fortune 500 company. Baseball is his fallback.

Abby says she can't go out with him.

The baby babbles. So does Claire. Belle thinks she is dreaming, and decides they all could use some sleep. She arranges the blanket. Shawn heads for the hills. Belle tells him he can stay there. They lie down together and Shawn puts his hand on her tummy, "Is this OK?"

Belle just tells him good night.

A cop escorts Dr. Prevert through the lab. Dr. Prevert is carrying a box with his personal things in it. The brat rubs it in, "See you later, Dr. Selazeberg!"

Dr. Endo comes in. He announces effective immediately Dr. Prevert has resigned. Senior staff will supervise the lab in the interim. Everyone applauds Nick and Chelsea.

Sami says she won't lie to Roman for EJ. EJ expects her to do whatever she has to do to save her relationship. Sami refuses, "Sorry."

"Sorry," says EJ, "That much I guarantee. However, I have a feeling you will change your mind." He takes out his cell phone and makes a call to tell Lucas everything.

Abby apologizes. Max comes out. He asks Abby to lock up. Mimi is in bad shape and he has to run to her side. Max leaves. Abby will handle the invoice.

"Bye," says Abby.

Jed watches Max leave, "Bye-bye." Abby suggests figuring it out over a cup of coffee if the offer is still open.

The brat can't believe she told the truth and it worked out for her, "The best part is Dr. Endo called me a colleague. Like I actually belong here working in the lab."

Nick says, "That's because you deserve it."

Chelsea asks, "I do?"


"You deserve so much, Chelsea," says Nick, "If you're lucky, you won't get it."

Shawn and Belle decide they are OK. In a conversation reminiscent of Yogi Berra talking to Casey Stingle in Japanese, the brain-trust attempts to figure out what the word "OK" means. Shawn thought she meant him-and-her-OK. Belle meant OK-OK. Einstein looks down and takes notes, "And I thought that relativity thing was hard to understand."

Shawn gets it, though. No doubt "OK" means "jump my bones." He attacks like a school of hungry piranhas.

EJ holds up his phone, "Still ringing..." Sami grabs the phone. "I take it we have a deal. I need to know what the police have in mind."

"Why did you come back," asks Sami, "What is so freaking important here anyway?"

EJ says, "You are. You're the reason I came back."

Abby hands Jed the repair bill. She heads for her coat and tells him to warm up the car. They decide they're "cool."

Abby turns away, "Very cool. Your loss, Max."

The brat tells Nick he's being very quiet. He asks if she can't hear his heart pounding. He claims his heart pounds whenever he's hungry. She offers to make dinner. He can come over for that and then can help her with calculus. Nick is flattered by the attention.

The Swiss Family Ree-tard certainly won't run short of ice on the island. That is not what Belle had in mind. Belle pushes him away. Shawn is shocked. He thought that is what she wanted.

"So typical," says the ice queen, "You are so clueless." Shawn apologizes for missing the signals.

Belle screams, "I DIDN'T SEND ANY SIGNALS, other than asking you to sleep with me." Belle tells him to go away.

EJ says he really cares about Sami. Sami thinks he has a strange way of showing it. He thinks she is a uniquely compelling sensual woman. Sami says that won't get her to throw herself at his feet. She will never, ever care about him. EJ says she is wrong and is afraid of how she feels. Sami says she will get his information but she's doing it for her and Lucas and Will and the baby.

A knock interrupts the precious moment. "What if that's Lucas," asks EJ, "You might care then. I wonder if he saw the caller ID. Let's find out. Do you want to do the honors or shall I?" FF Sami.


Abby says, "It's official I am a failure at dating. Nick says, "I think I have an idea. I know a way to turn things around for both of us."

Kayla tells Steve, "If you wanna walk out that door, you'll have to kill me first."

EJ says to Sami, "You want the truth, sunshine? I've got it coming to you in spades." The bump on a log stands there like a Lucas.

Mimi says, "For once in your life just tell me the truth. Bonnie says, "OK I'll tell you but you're not going to like it. In fact you'll wish you never knew." Max looks on.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Miracle Of Life

Phillip and Willow pull up in a car. Phillip rants about losing Claire. He tells Willow it's the end of the line for her. "You're turning me in to the cops," asks Willow.

Sami and Lucas are at dinner together. They go over details for the wedding. Sami is concerned about the prices. "Come on," says Lucas, "Money's no object. How many times do you get married in your life?" Lucas should just have his foot surgically implanted in his mouth. It would save time.

Lucas rephrases. Sami thinks they are tempting fate planning a big wedding. Lucas says they have both changed, "What could possibly go wrong?"

EJ walks up behind Lucas, "I could think of something."

Bo and Roman discuss Steve and EJ. Roman decides to try to call Kayla again. Bo tries reaching her at the pub. No luck. Roman wonders if she is crazy enough to go after Steve by herself. Bo scolds him for washing his breath.

Patch tells Kayla she has to rip out one of John's kidneys. Kayla thinks that could kill him in his condition. Patch tells her she doesn't have a choice.

It's Willow's turn to rant. Phillip says he isn't turning her in, but the free ride is over. Phillip doesn't give a damn about Shawn's baby now that Claire is gone. Willow says, "Maybe the Kiddie Corps made it to an island in Kangaroo Land."

If Shawn survived Phillip thinks he will try to contact his family, "Smoke signals travel pretty far these days." Phillip says he can handle things without Willow's help. He suggests she can work at a massage parlor. He says Willow blew it and their deal is off.

She grabs the keys, "It's over when I say it's over."

Roman gives one of his flunkies pictures of Steve and Kayla and tells him to have the boys search for them. Roman would like to put a tail on EJ, but is concerned about another lawsuit. Unless someone comes forward they have nothing and EJ knows it. Bo thinks Shawn could help.

EJ says the odds of any marriage's success are daunting. He suggests Sami take Lucas' advice. She shouldn't cut corners on the wedding. He says he has a work thing Lucas needs to handle. Lucas has been working with him on the big Duncan-Davidson deal. EJ wants a copy of the contract. Lucas says he's busy. He thinks one of EJ's gophers could call to have the contract faxed. EJ wants his head gopher to do it. So, Lucas goes to make the call. EJ will keep Sami Company.

Sami asks EJ what he wants. "I'm onto you," says EJ, "I know your little secret."

Kayla asks why Patch is asking her to do this. Patch tells her it's not important why. He just wants her to get in there and dekidnify John. Kayla thinks this is insane. She tells him he doesn't have to do this. Patch insists Kayla is John's only chance. If she doesn't do it, the butcher will come back and rip his guts out. Kayla starts to call Bo. "I can't let you do that," says Steve.

Phillip threatens. Willow says she will scream. Phillip grabs her wrist. Willow drops the keys. She begs him not to kick her out. He says the fact they lost Shawn and Belle is her fault, "Just go."

"What kind of monster are you," asks Willow.

"I'm the two-faced, one-legged flyin' purple people eater," says Phillip, "What about all the gambling money you won on the ship?" Willow gives him a sob story. He hands her a wad-o-cash and tells her to get out of his life.

"You're a bastard," she cries, "I will not forget this!"

Willow leaves. Phillip reaches into the back seat and gets a box, which has "Remains" scribbled on its side.

Bo thinks Shawn can testify against EJ because he was his courier. Roman brings up the little detail that Shawn never witnessed a crime, "And Wells has Lockhart running scared." Bo says if Lockhart thinks EJ is going down he might just come out and testify against him.

"We have to find Shawn," says Roman.

Phillip walks into the office carrying his ossuary, "You can't. This is all that's left of them."

Patch tells Kayla if she walks away John will die. Oh, the angst! Kayla points out this isn't her area of expertise. Patch gives her a pep talk. If she doesn't do this others will die.

"Who else has EJ threatened," asks Kayla.

Sami says the only lies she has been telling are the lies he is forcing her to tell. EJ accuses her of lying to him right now, "I know the truth – you're pregnant. I have proof. I went through your trash." He pulls the damning letter out of his pocket. It confirms her sonogram appointment.

Sami can't believe he went through her trash. She says she wasn't telling anyone about the pregnancy. He says there is only one reason why she didn't tell anyone, "Ordinarily, you would have shouted it from the rooftop, but it's because you know that child isn't Lucas'. It's mine." Lucas walks up and stares.

Roman goes through the box. He pulls out a ripped up shred of the raft, a teddy bear, a few body parts. Phillip tells them the story of the cruise ship, "They jumped overboard. They found the life raft shredded and overturned with blood on it." Bo asks if they know whose blood it was. Phillip pulls the blood-work analysis out of his pocket, "It was Claire's."

Bo is stunned, "How am I gonna tell Hope?"

Phillip screams, "Tell her you are all to blame! Because of you my little girl is dead and I won't rest until the entire Brady family pays for that."

Kayla thinks this is about Stephanie. Patch tells her he's trying to protect everyone but if she doesn't operate John will be the first to die. Kayla staggers into the operating room. She looks down at the mannequin on the operating table and pretends it's John, "Oh, John, I am so sorry. I am so sorry."

We witness the beginning of the operation through the curtain. Kayla operates. Kayla agonizes. The orderly offers to finish. Kayla refuses.

Patch hears a siren and looks out the door. John's blood pressure drops.

Phillip wigs out. A cop comes in and says they have a lead on Patch. Roman leaves.

"What has that crazy lunatic done now," asks Phillip.

Bo goes into crazy lunatic mode himself. He grabs Phillip and tells him it's as much his fault as anyone's, "Get out of here before you get hurt!"

"I've always looked up to you, big brother," sneers Phillip, "But I'm not afraid of you."

You're no brother of mine," says Bo. He throws him out and goes over and strangles Claire's teddy bear, "This can't be!"

Gunga Din returns. He thinks Sami looks upset. He tells EJ the contracts are being faxed to the office. EJ apologizes for not being clear, but he needed them faxed to his apartment instead of the office. The gopher tells him that's too bad. Sami tells him to go make the phone call. She insists she can handle herself. But she thinks it's sexy that he is so protective. Or possessive. Whatever. Lucas leaves. EJ keeps it up, "I am utterly delighted that we are pregnant."

"We are not pregnant," says Sami, "This baby is Lucas'."

EJ disagrees, "About 8 weeks ago you and I made love..."

"You don't get to use that word," says Sami, "You raped me."

Patch comes back in. The sirens fade. Kayla staggers out, "It's over." Patch stares.

Kayla removes her surgical gown. She says John made it but there is a chance of infection, "The next 24 hours are critical."

Kayla's assistant runs through the room carrying a cooler. She wonders who the kidney is for, "He will not survive here! You need to get on the phone and call an ambulance right now."


EJ tells Sami, "You had a choice."

Sami doesn't think it was much of a choice, "It was extortion. I did it to save Lucas' life."

"In the process," says EJ, "another life was created." EJ thinks they should get a paternity test. Sami refuses. EJ says there is a good chance the baby is his, "If you don't get the test I will tell Lucas. Nobody raises my child but me. You got that?"

Lucas returns. EJ thanks him for gophering the extra mile. He tells Lucas he wants to discuss the little one on the way.

Willow comes back to Phillip. She says she is desperate. She has no place to go. No insurance. If he doesn't help another innocent child will die.

Roman returns. He tells Bo there is still a chance they will find the Kiddie Corps. Bo gets an epiphany, "Tell them to make it a search and rescue! Shawn, Belle and Claire are not dead!"

Kayla begs Patch to call. "They won't like it," drones Steve. She knows he has been warned to keep his mouth shut, but says they would never have let her come there if they wanted John dead. She insists they get John to a hospital. Patch zones. He doesn't want John to die. Kayla takes she phone from him.

Bo shows Roman a piece of shredded vinyl from the raft, "When Shawn was a kid, I taught him to use the Naval code."

"That's great," says roman, "He can't use his head, but he can use his navel."

Bo spells out the letters, "S-A-Y-F! "

"What the hell does that mean," asks Roman.

"It means they're SAFE," says Bo, "Shawn flunked spelling along with everything else. He sent me a message. He and his family are alive."

Willow says she is just asking for help until she gets on her feet. She threatens to say it's Phillip's baby. She can see the headline now, "War hero knocks up hooker!" Eventually he could prove it isn't his but it would wreck his reputation. Phillip tells her to come by the mansion tomorrow and they will talk terms.

Lucas wonders how EJ found out about the pregnancy. EJ says good news travels fast. He wants to discuss maternity leave. Myth-Ick gives a full month, and he hopes Lucas will take full advantage of it. He congratulates them and leaves.

Sami tells Lucas EJ just figured out she was pregnant. Lucas gets a call. It's EJ. He asks him to meet tomorrow morning to discuss something important, "I want to talk to you, man-to-gopher."

Kayla tells the dispatcher where they are. Patch starts to leave. Kayla asks, "Where are you going?"

Patch zones, "I love you." He heads into the foggy abyss.

Kayla tells the dispatcher, "I need to call the police, too. A terrible crime has been committed here. A Kidney-apping."

Bo believes all three are safe. He tells Roman they have to keep this to themselves. Hope will believe the worst.

Roman gets a call. He tells Bo, "Kayla is with John. It doesn't look good."

EJ wants to discuss something in person. Lucas agrees. He hangs up and tells Sami, "Any idea what that might be?" Sami is clueless. She also has no idea what EJ wants to discuss.

EJ gets a call. Steve tells him it's done. "Splendid," says EJ, "Let's hear it for the miracle of life, eh?" Pan to Lucas and Sami.


Chelsea says, "Dr. Endo called me a colleague. Like I actually belong here working in the lab." Nick says, "That's because you deserve it." Chelsea asks, "I do?"

Jed asks, "What would you say if I asked you out." Abby kind of rolls her eyes and gives him a blank stare.

Shawn says, "I'm glad I'm here." Belle says, "Stuck with me." Shawn says, "Gladly."

Sami asks, "What is so freaking important here anyway?" EJ says," You are. You're the reason I came back."

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Where Time And Space Collide

Always on the prowl to bring its readers the latest cutting edge DOOL information, Prevuze has once again scored a major scoop. After grueling research spearheaded by Monica Screwinski, Prevuze' Head Intern, we have finally and definitively pinpointed Salem's location. It isn't just a matter of where, but also when.. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as Rod Serling was oft heard saying, it's located in "a place where time and space collide." (The fact Shawn's vehicles and buildings also collide there is purely coincidental.)

The smoking gun was the picture of Sami and EJ in Lexie's car as seen in one of this week's episodes. In that picture, we saw the state motto emblazoned on the license plate:

AHA! "The Friendly State" – a bald faced lie. Do the people in that picture look friendly? Anyway, we won't go down that tangent.

"The Friendly State" is a new direction from Salem's former license plates as seen on Jack's submerged car from November, 2005:

Well, that's closer to the truth, isn't it?

So here's the deal. Our intern Monica, with her assistant, Nick "The Geek" Fallus, set out to determine which state was "The Friendly State." Naturally, their adventure first led to Texas. However, they found, contrary to public opinion, Texas' motto is not "The Friendly State." Texas, it turns out, is "The Lone Star State," and its motto is "Friendship." Wow. We struck out there like Jed dumping his lame lines on Abby to try to pick her up.

This led us to the researcher's friend, Google where we found the only state ever to have "The Friendly State" on its license plates was none other than UTAH! Further investigation revealed Utah only used that slogan on its plates one year – 1948!

So There you have it. Not only is Salem located in Utah, but it is also precisely 1948 – space and time must collide to get the exact location. This explains a lot of things. When, for example they SORAS Claire and we all get up in arms about it, we have to remember, she wasn't born in 2005 – she was born in 1946!

You think this theory is crazy? It's not half as nuts as a couple of parents who throw their kid in the shark-infested ocean in the middle of nowhere and take her to live on an uncharted island because she'll be much better off there (if the cannibals don't get her) than she would be with some millionaire who wants to give her the world. And who, in the real world wouldn't have a prayer of taking her anyway.

This show is getting so ridiculous the next thing you know someone will come back from the dead.

Have a great weekend.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Kidney Pie

Robinson Crackpot and his girl Friedbrain putter around their island paradise. Shawn ties twine around the bottom of a tree, apparently to make sure the bark stays on. Belle is worried about Claire's boo-boo. Shawn claims to have everything under control.

The brat sits in the car with Dr. Prevert. She says she doesn't want to put him through the trouble of making him dinner, especially since she's the main course. She takes his hand off her thigh and suggests they go to Dune. Dr. Prevert wants something more intimate, "I have a hot tub."

The brat says, "Dr. Prevert..."

"Call me Alan."

"Don't you think it's inappropriate?"

"No more inappropriate than you jumping my bones when you first met me," he says, "No more games. Don't you find me attractive?"

"You're my boss," she says, "Aren't you too old for me?"

"Age is an experience," he says, "Why don't you let me teach you?"

Bo calls for the hospital surveillance tapes. Kayla and Bo talk about the situation. Kayla thinks someone must've seen something, "You know, maybe someone saw a strange guy walking around the place with a surgical mask up around his face and a patch sticking out like Pike's Peak." Bo says Wells is the first suspect, but it could be anybody. A dejected Kayla thinks maybe Steve took him.

Patch tells EJ he's sure no one saw him leave with John. He asks what the plan is. EJ says, "How about murdering a steak and kidney pie. With one of John's kidneys. That would be delicious. HAHAHAHAHA!" Don't worry. He was just kidneying.

The brat doesn't think her $120 calculus book should get near a hot tub. Dr. Prevert says, "The hot tub is the reward. I have done my homework. I know you were arrested for prostitution. I thought you would be a willing partner." The brat tells him she isn't willing. "You really want this job don't you," asks Dr. Prevert, "Your job description is to follow orders!"

The brat tries to leave. Prevert grabs her and demands a kiss goodnight. The brat struggles. Suddenly, SuperGeek pulls Prevert out of the car and throws him to the ground, "Get out of here!"

Prevert looks up and says, "What the hell?"

Nick goes ballistic "YOU CAN NEVER TOUCH HER!. NEVER!"

The kiddie corps worries about Claire's owie. The medical facilities on the island aren't good, although no one has walked away with a patient yet. Shawn decides to go search for food and aloe vera.

"While you're at it," says Belle, "See if you can find some cold cream trees, too."

Kayla tells Bo Steve was acting different when he came home from jail. He walked out on her, for her own good. She tells him about the choking incident.


Kayla begs him not to go after Patch.

Patch yells, "This is wrong! It's sick!"

"Of course it is," says EJ, "It's DOOL. But it's necessary. Let's just all get on board."

Patch thinks taking John's kidney will kill him. He asks what EJ wants if for. EJ tells him it's none of his business what he will do with it."

Dr. Demento walks into the room. Patch screams, "That isn't a real doctor. He cuts people's insides out for cash!" EJ backs him off and tells Dr. Demento the nurse is prepped and ready to go. Patch staggers around the room like a lost pinball.

Shawn tosses banana leaves and curses Phillip. Belle asks him to quiet down or they will upset Claire. Shawn wonders what he was thinking. Belle says he had no other choice. She reminds him he they survived in Puerto Rico. Shawn beats himself up anyway.

Nick threatens Prevert. As they start to leave, the brat stomps on his foot. Dr. Prevert hops like a crippled bunny and screams, "You keep your mouth shut about this, Chelsea! You too, Fallon. Or you'll both be out of a job."

Kayla goes into detail about Patch choking her. "I think Steve has done the right thing," says Bo.

"Would that be choking me or kidnapping John," asks Kayla. She thinks Patch took John as a part of the grand DiMera plan and EJ only dropped the charges to make Steve available to him.

Patch staggers and rants. He stands between EJ and the door to John's room, "You wanna cut him up – you go through me. EJ restrains him. He thinks Patch needs a little more programming. Patch drools, "John was on the DiMera program and that didn't work out too well for you!"

"Well," says EJ, "It didn't work out so well for John, either, did it?" Patch reminds him John escaped and had a life for a while. "True," says EJ, "But that life was with Marlena. Can you think of a worse torture than that? "

Patch points toward Dr. Demento and slobbers, "I'm not going to let this butcher carve him up!"

EJ says, "You're one of us now."

"Don't let this hack cut John up."

"OK," says EJ, "We'll do it your way. If you can find somebody else to operate, you go ahead. You know anybody?" Patch goes into a daze.

Nick and the brat arrive at her apartment. Nick goes to make the Horton cure-all tea. He thinks she should call Billie. The brat can't deal with the lecture right now, "Not that she wouldn't have done the same thing." Nick tells her he's sorry he put her through this.

She wonders why he followed them. He says, "I thought it was weird for Dr. Prevert to invite you out to dinner. Plus, he was talking trash at the lab." She thanks him for saving her.

Patch asks, "How about Lexie?"

"No," says EJ, "I want a doctor."
EJ suggests Marlena. Patch stares. "Or Kayla," says EJ. Patch says no way is he dragging Kayla into this. "Either you find a doctor, or you shut up," says EJ.

Kayla reminds Bo John called Steve a killer. Bo thinks that doesn't mean anything. Kayla wants him to help find Steve before he does anything else. She has no idea where he might be right now, though. Bo asks if she is prepared for him to arrest Steve. She tells him Marlena convinced her to have him committed, "Just help me Bo, please." Hugs.

Shawn apologizes for all the times he has disappointed Belle. Belle says they wouldn't have gotten this far without his cockamamie thinking. He reminds her about his scheme to kidnap JT. She went along because she loved him. It didn't help, because they lost JT. In other words, JT was a lot more fortunate than poor Claire. Belle assures him Claire is happy. Ignorance is bliss. Shawn says it's only for now. Belle says things they used to think were important don't even matter now. What matters is Claire doesn't have to grow up as a Kiriakis. That's the most important thing they can give her now.

"Yeah," says Shawn, "Who would want to grow up a millionaire instead of living like you're back in the Stone Age? "

Belle decides to step up to the plate. She says she was once a spoiled rich kid, but now she's a spoiled rich adult. Anyway, she knows what they are up against. Shawn decides he can officially stop feeling sorry for himself. Belle decides to begin her new life of responsibility by building them a house.

Nick thinks the brat would have been fine without him tonight. She isn't sure about that. She apologizes for being rude. She hopes he doesn't lose his job. Nick thinks Dr. Prevert will fire him now. He says he just wanted the brat to like him. She says she does. He asks if she could find it in her heart to forgive him.

Patch says he doesn't like the options. EJ says, "That's not my problem. I'll give you fifteen minutes to get Kayla here." He hauls out the devil card and tells Patch to keep his name out of this, "Now run along."

Bo has an APB out on Steve. Kayla asks if he can bring EJ in. Bo can't, "Even if he is involved, EJ won't give us anything." Plus, he has a tendency to sue the department. Kayla really thinks Bo should talk to EJ. Bo crumbles like a house of cards.

Kayla heads for the Salem Inn to wait to see if Steve comes back. Bo tells her to be careful.

Kayla leaves. Bo dials his phone. EJ picks up. Bo tells him to get to the hospital – He wants to talk to him about John black. "Oh," says EJ, "I hope he hasn't taken a turn for the worse."

"Cut the bull," says Bo, "Just get down here before I get you here myself."

Suddenly, the TV screen goes totally blank. Silence... Apparently EJ actually did cut the bull.

EJ tells the Dr. Demento to take the kidney if John dies, "It will have served its purpose."

The brat tells Nick she should hate him for what he did, "But stop apologizing. I'm not in the mood. You should hate me too but you came to my rescue tonight. It was partially your fault I go involved but it was mine, too. I'm leaning heavily towards forgiving you. So all those things you wrote... if your whole lab geek thing didn't work out, you could write self help books."

They decide they both learned their lesson and are friends. The friends shake hands.

EJ comes up behind Bo as he goes through a file. Bo sees EJ and asks what he did with Patch. EJ immediately threatens suits if the Salem PD is going to start harassing him again. Bo again asks what EJ did with Steve. EJ evades.

Bo yanks EJ up by his tie, "What did you do with Steve?"

Kayla finds Steve in the apartment. He worries that he scared her. She starts to hug him, but he backs her off. Kayla says she thinks she knows where he has been. Patch fesses up, "I took John."

"Is he all right," asks Kayla.

"No,, says Patch, "He's still a vegetable.." Patch doesn't want any questions.

Kayla goes for the phone, "I'm gonna call the police."

Patch stops her, "No. No police. If you call them, people will die. John will die."

Nick gives the brat tea. She contemplates looking for another job. Nick says she should report Dr. Prevert, "He should lose his job. If you don't file a complaint, this could happen to other people." She asks if he will back her up. Of course he will, even if he loses his job, "I can always find another job. But not another you." Eeeeeeeuuuuwwwwww.

"Why do you confuse me like this," asks the brat.

Shawn says, "You know, we could be here for all the Days Of Our Lives." Belle says she misses her family, but if she has to be stuck on an inland she's OK if it's with him and Claire. Shawn is OK with it too. The viewers are OK with it, too. John Lennon breaks into "Imagine" as we contemplate a world without Shawn and Belle.

Bo lets go of EJ's tie. EJ thinks Bo is as disturbed as Patch, "If I have done something wrong, why not arrest me? If I haven't, why did you bring me down here? Sooner or later the penny will drop and you will never ever win."

Patch says Kayla needs to do what he says. He needs help for John. Kayla wonders if he knows how dangerous this is. He tells her they have to go. "What if I don't," asks Kayla.

"You have no choice."

"Are you threatening me?"

Patch says, "Please... Sweetness... I need you."

Patch staggers to the door and opens it. Kayla hesitates, and then walks out into the hall.

Shawn and Belle finish the lean-to. Storm clouds brew. They decide to get Claire and get inside. Shawn tells Claire, "We're gonna take good care of you."

Belle says, "We're going to take good care of each other."


The brat tells Nick before all this happened, he was just Abby's geeky cousin. Dr. Patton was a mystery man who she thought was going to be her soul mate. Then she finds out he wrote all those wonderful things. Nick says he knows it was wrong, but she would never have listened to him otherwise. He tells her the words were true, every one of them. Kiss.

The brat says, "Tomorrow we take down Dr. Prevert, right?"

Bo tells EJ Stefano and Tony thought they were indestructible, too, "Where are they now, huh? Your luck will run out."

"It never did on the racetrack," says EJ.

"Maybe that's why you aren't racing any more," says Bo. Bo tells him the PD is working on a case to make him accountable for all the gloved hand crimes.

EJ wonders if the only thing the police are this bad at is bluffing. I guess EJ hasn't been in town long enough to really get to know the Salem PD. "You have nothing on me," says EJ.

"We'll see, when this hand is played out," says Bo as he walks away. EJ stares.

Dr. Demento drops a cigarette and crushes it with his shoe. Patch grabs his tools flings them into the trash, "Your services are no longer needed." He tells Kayla all she has to do is rip out one of John's kidneys. FF Kayla.


EJ tells Sami, "It's because you know that child isn't Lucas'. It's mine." Lucas walks and stares.

Kayla says to Steve, "He will not survive here! You need to get on the phone and call an ambulance right now, because I'm incapable of dialing a phone myself." John vegetates.

Phillip rants at Bo, "Because of you my little girl is dead and I won't rest until the entire Brady family pays for that."

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Fletch The Letch

Chelsea and the oh-so-swayve Dr. Pervert are at dinner. The worldly doctor gives her a wine tasting lesson. Chelsea takes a sip of wine. Rebert asks, "What do you think? A hint of blackberry? Some vanilla, perhaps? Zee aroma of zee bheulgheet? "

In the world of wine, the brat is about as sophisticated as a barefoot pilgrim. She shrugs, "Sure... whatever."

She thinks it's amazing he can tell so much about wine just from one sip. He says he can only tell about the wine if he's inspired, and he truly is. She thinks it's time to get to calculus. She's ready to learn whatever he wants to teach her.

Phillip freaks and demands Stratton continue searching. Stratton tells him Shawn and Belle are gone.

Marlena knocks at Kayla's door. Kayla invites her in tells her Steve choked her. She claims it's EJ's fault. She wants Marlena to find him. Marlena refuses. Kayla wrings her hands.

Zombie Patch is on a mission to bring John Black to EJ. He does his Frankenstein walk through the hospital.

Patchenstein goes into John's room. He stares. He zones. He grabs his head. He staggers out into the hall and makes faces.

Kayla tells Marlena she is desperate. Marlena will only help once Steve is under control. Marlena suggests Kayla call Roman. Kayla grabs her coat and says she is going to go find him. Marlena begs her not to. Kayla asks, "Can you reach John?"

"Yes," says Marlena, "But that's different."

"No it isn't, Marlena."

Nick sits in Chez Rouge and blows his nose. Chelsea tells Rebert she has never had this much fun, and talks just loud enough so Nick can hear her. Maggie walks up to Nick and asks why he has the sniffles. Nick says the line of blow he just did was a little strong. He also has allergies. He points out Dr. Rebert and Chelsea across the room having a good time. Maggie asks if he is hanging around to save Chelsea from the big bad wolf, "Knowing Chelsea, I'd worry more about the wolf. Chelsea doesn't want you here, and when she gets annoyed it isn't pretty." Nick says he is waiting for Rebert to make a move and then he will rush in and save her. Maggie thinks this is a mistake, "Chelsea isn't made of sugar and spice. It's more like beef jerky. I think she's handling Rebert very well."

Maggie leaves. Nick decides he isn't going anywhere. He sneezes again and has a choking fit.

Phillip doesn't think the Kiddie Corps could have jumped ship. Stratton says a lifeboat is missing. Phillip demands they drop anchor and search every inch of the ocean. Stratton leaves.

Willow comes out. Phillip gives her the news bulletin about Shawn and Belle jumping overboard with his daughter. He blames her. She had a chance to stop them. Willow says she didn't know what they were going to do. Phillip tackles her. Willow holds her own. She rips off his wooden leg and smacks him with it, "Play as rough as you want, but I will always play rougher!"

Rebert gives the brat an orientation about the people who work at the hospital, "Dr. Fletcher is a lecher."

Chelsea takes notes, "OK. Fletch the letch."

Also," says Rebert, "I think we should pass the hat at work and buy Nick a life." Chelsea thanks him for watching out for her. She makes sure she talks loud enough that Nick can hear. Rebert counsels her, "It's better to be trusting than cynical, and I say that as someone has been burned. Come here and I'll tell you a secret. Even rich handsome doctors get hurt."

Chelsea asks, "Was she beautiful?"

"I don't want to bore you," says Dr. Smoothie, "But she was almost as beautiful as you are."

"She was that skanky, eh? "

Nick goes to the bar and orders whatever is on tap. The bartender says he knows who Nick is and he doesn't have to show his ID. That gives Nick an idea. He goes over to Maggie, "Guess what Chelsea's not. She's not 21 and she's drinking in your establishment."

Maggie goes into action. She walks over to Rebert and Chelsea's table and grabs the wine from Chelsea's hand. She tells Rebert she is underage.

Marlena doesn't want Kayla to leave. Well, by God someone has to help Steve. "Steve belongs to them now," says Marlena.

Patch zones and remembers EJ's words. He heads into the supply closet.

As Steve stares like a deer looking into headlights, Marlena narrates, "The DiMeras own his mind. Whatever they want him to do, he will do." Patch comes out in a disguise. He is wearing scrubs, a cap and a mask. Some disguise – His patch sticks out like a sore thumb. Other than that, no one would recognize him.

Kayla has to go find him. Marlena says his only focus right now is to complete his mission. "I wish he would have completed the 'mission' he and I were on earlier this evening," says Kayla.

Patch stares at John.

Kayla insists she can get through this. Kayla tells Marlena she knows about the dream she had. Bo told her, "What was John trying to tell you?"

"Steve has been programmed to kill someone," says Marlena.

Maggie tells the brat to come back when she is 21. Rebert assures Maggie he will keep an eye on her. Maggie tells him to take his charm and his very young date somewhere else. Rebert tells Chelsea he has cabernet and steak at home.

"Kids love happy meals," says Maggie. Rebert tells Chelsea he's going to go get the car.

Chelsea says, "And I'm going to go yank boy wonder's tights over his head."

Willow and Phillip argue. Suddenly, they hear the sound of the ship dropping anchor. Phillip tells her, "You and Shawn's bastard can rot in the gutter for all I care."

Stratton comes in and says they found a section of the life raft floating in the water – sliced to ribbons.

Belle has a meltdown. She finds Shawn lying unconscious on the ground. She stammers, "I tried! The riptide! We went under!"

Shawn comes to and screams, "Belle! Where is she?" Belle's screaming fit continues. She says she had Claire and everything was fine and then they got pulled under. Shawn assures her everything will be fine. They will search. The Richter scale has no reading for Belle's level of hysteria.

Stratton tells Phillip it looks like a shark attack. Phillip wants to search. Stratton says it's too late. Phillip hits some new hysterical highs himself, "This is my little girl we're talking about! It can't be too late! Willow tries to console him. Phillip flails at her, "Don't touch me!" He goes to find Claire.

Maggie chuckles as she tells Nick about busting Chelsea. Chelsea walks up. She accuses Nick of following her to the restaurant. Nick asks, "Why would I do that."

Chelsea says, "Like all world-class losers, you're also a spiteful jerk. And if anyone knows about being a world-class loser and a spiteful jerk, I do."

Marlena says she can feel and hear John. She tells Kayla John has never been wrong when he has told her things in dream-fantasies. Kayla insists Patch isn't a killer. Marlena reminds her of the inconvenient fact that Steve tried to kill her earlier this evening, "That man is not Steve, but he will be blamed for it."

Patch unhooks John. Marlena narrates, "My guess is it will be murder." John's machines sound an alarm.

Phillip looks through field glasses. Willow apologies for everything. Phillip rages and tells her to leave.

Tsunami Belle erupts. Shawn yells from the bushes and tells her Claire is OK. He found her on the south side of the island sitting there like a little Buddha. Apparently she had just floated around the island and landed on the beach. Shawn digs into a knapsack looking for food. He finds a jar of strained peas. "Even the sharks won't eat that garbage," says Claire.

OMG! Belle discovers a microscopic cut on Claire's finger. Volcano Belle erupts.

Marlena says they will just put Patch in for observation. Kayla says Steve hates that. Marlena says he will hate it more if he finds out he killed someone. Kayla can't betray her husband. Marlena says she has been tortured by the DiMeras herself, "This is not betrayal it is imperfect salvation. I'm talking about the person you need to save from Steve."

Steve pulls the sheet over John's head and stares so hard he burns a hole in his Patch.

Chelsea nukes at Nick. Maggie tells her not to be so loud as she walks away. The brat tells Nick never to come near her again. Nick asks the brat why she is hanging around Rebert. She snaps, "Because he is not you." Nick tells her Rebert isn't being honest with her. Chelsea says, "You're not exactly the poster boy for honesty." She asks what he is doing at the restaurant. Nick says he came to protect her. "What," she asks, "From the gorgeous, rich doctor?"

Rebert comes up and tells Chelsea the car is ready. Nick tells her she doesn't know what she is getting into. Chelsea doesn't agree. She leaves.

Nick tells Rebert Chelsea has no idea what she is doing. "I know," says Dr. Pervert, "Why do you think I spent the evening listening to the babblings of an adolescent?" He buries his fist in Nick's solar plexus. Nick doubles over. Rebert says, "Next time I'll really hurt you."

Patch stalks around the hallway. He pulls the fire alarm. The nurses run like a herd of frightened wildebeest, leaving their patients to fry and die."

Kayla thinks there must be another way. Marlena is sorry, but there isn't. Marlena says Kayla hasn't failed, "Something has kept Steve fighting for control of his own mind. I believe that is you and Stephanie. You will have to tell Stephanie her father killed someone and you could have stopped it."

Patch wheels John and remembers torture treatments. He remembers EJ comforting him and telling him, "You're one of us now."

Patch writhes as the fire alarm bell rings relentlessly. Steve rages and grabs his head.

Phillip stands on the deck in the sun. Jerk du Soliel. He searches the ocean. Kendrick and Stratton walk up. He orders them to resume the search. Kendrick tells him rescue is no longer viable.

Phillip goes off the deep end, "You think my daughter is dead!"

Kendrick tells him there was blood on the raft, "She didn't make it."

Meanwhile, in the distance, Krakatoa, East of Java. Oh, wait. Actually it's just Belle becoming more hysterical. She wonders if something rusty cut Claire. Shawn says it was his knife. OK, that's not so bad. Belle's Prozac kicks in. Shawn says, "Now we just have to figure out how to survive Fantasy Island."

Phillip insists they are wrong. Claire has to be alive. Kendrick tells him they are flying the blood to a forensic lab in Sidney. Nick Fallon will travel there to analyze it. Phillip cold cocks him, "If that blood belongs to my daughter you will pay." Kendrick drags himself up off the deck. He and Stratton just wander off.

Willow comes up to him Phillip. He tees off on her for letting Shawn and Belle get away. Willow wants to make it right. Phillip says, "You have nothing I want."

Willow says, "I have Shawn's baby. I owe you, Phillip, and I always pay back my debts."


Phillip gives her the look of death. Willow leaves. Phillip searches the infinite sea.

Shawn tries to light a fire with wet matches. Belle continues to entertain everyone with her freak-o-rama show. Claire babbles, but she's still more coherent than Belle.

Maggie mops Nick up off the floor. She wonders what happened. Nick tells her to let it go. The bartender hands Nick a glass of water, "That girl is a spitfire."

Maggie tells him, "Spitfires don't like guys who can't take a punch."

"You think I should fight for her," asks Nick.

"It's a good way to get a girl's attention," says Maggie.

Chelsea and Rebert sit in his car. She opens her door to recover the lipstick case she dropped. Rebert reaches across her and closes it. Chelsea asks to go home. "Didn't you hear," says Rebert, "We're going back to my place to have dinner."

"I'm not hungry," says Chelsea.

He puts his hand on her thigh, "Oh, I am."

The nurses walk into John's room cackling, "It's a good thing that was a false alarm or John here would be more well done than the Colonel's extra crispy." Suddenly they discover John is missing.

Kayla agrees to do it. Marlena says it's the right thing. She knows under all the programmed evil is the lovable evil Steve Johnson. Her phone rings. She answers it and gasps, "I'll be right there."

Marlena tells Kayla John is missing as she rushes out. Kayla follows.

Steve stands on the elevator and stares at his vegetable delivery.


Nick yells, "Get out of here." Rebert hits the ground and says, "What the hell?" Nick screams, "You can never touch her. NEVER!"

Bo yanks EJ up by his tie, "What did you do with Steve?"

Kayla goes for the phone, "I'm gonna call the police." Patch stops her, "No. No police. If you call them, people will die. John will die." Note: for those who came in early, this originally said, "A child will die." We changed it in our final edit - we always post as early as possible for the early birds, then run through again and make whatever changes are necessary. We're really having trouble following Patch's mumbling dialogue these days. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Shawn tells Claire, "We're gonna take good care of you." Belle says, "We're going to take good care of each other."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

You're Too Dumb To Know How Dumb You Are

Max and Mimi stare at Bonnie in the official cop shop third degree torture chamber. Mimi tells Max she's been in there almost two hours. Actually, Bonnie is having a great time. She thinks it's an S&M playground.

Mimi tells Max Connor is conveniently back at the ranch. Roman comes out and tells them Bonnie confessed to the murder.

Abby sits at a table in the Java Café and types on her notebook computer. Jed comes over to her table and tells her he is in her class with professor Sinclair. Abby doesn't remember him. He knows her, though. He tells her she's the kind of person he wants to get to know, with a face like he never forgets. He was so impressed by her question about John Reed in class. He isn't sure who John Reed is. Abby tells him all about Reed and refers him to the movie "Reds." Warren Beatty played him in that movie.

The brat comes in ranting about failing calculus. Jed suggests she drop the course before she fails.

Rebert comes in and tells Nick today is the big day when Chelsea starts. Nick says it won't make any difference to him, as he bumbles around the lab like an over-caffeinated Barney Fife. Rebert wants to know if it will be a problem for him to have Chelsea work there. "Not in the slightest," says Nick. He drops and breaks a beaker full of liquid.

Belle freaks. Our apologies for the redundancy. She says they need to get off the ship right now. Shawn tells her to chill. He needs to figure out a way to get rid of Philip.

Phillip stands guard outside their door. Stratton comes up and warns Phillip to stay out of his way or he will wind up in the brig with Shawn. Phillip is delighted to find out Shawn is headed for the brig. Philip suggests he arrest both Shawn and Belle and hand Claire over to him.

Belle and Shawn listen through the door and discuss their predicament. Shawn knows they need to do something but doesn't know what. Apparently that's his big plan.

Stratton tells Phillip the girl is to stay with her mother. He's following the captain's orders, not Phillip's. He tells Phillip to get into his cabin. Phillip wants to see him slap the cuffs on Shawn.

"If you interfere..."

"Just do your job," snorts Phillip.

Stratton knocks. Shawn gets and idea. If it's a good one, no doubt Claire whispered it into his ear.

Abby introduces Jed and Chelsea. The brat tells him she's glad to meet him, "Now scram." Jed walks off. The brat tells Abby she can't believe calculus is so hard, "It's like Swahili backwards." She accuses Abby of liking Jed, "He totally has the hots for you. What are you going to do about it?"

Roman says Bonnie said she killed Mimi's father. She dressed his body up in the civil war uniform as a decoy and drug it to the church. Bonnie told him Patrick and Connor weren't involved. Bonnie said Mimi's father came home drunk and hit her and that's why she did it.

Max says it was self-defense. Mimi is shook up. She can't believe her mom killed her dad. Roman says Connor admitted stealing the bones from the morgue, but is otherwise clean, "Bonnie will have to be booked and charged with murder."

Bonnie stands in the background and cries, "OMG!"

Roman thinks Bonnie tried to cover up her crime. That Roman is sharp as a tack, isn't he? Roman says, "Bonnie is going to need a good lawyer. No former husbands. I promise I will do everything I can for her." Mimi asks to talk to her. Roman gives her permission and leaves.

Max tells Mimi to calm down. He wonders if Mimi ever saw her dad abuse her mom. Mimi says she knows her dad was a drunk and cheated but never saw him hit Bonnie.

Nick cleans up his mess and swears he has no problem working with Chelsea. She has a great bod," says Dr. Pervert, "You should appreciate Chelsea's ASS-etts."

Nick interrupts and tells him he lied to Chelsea, "It was a stupid thing to do, but I would appreciate another topic."

"How about your work and character," asks Rebert, "You're hard working and smart, but you are the dumbest person I have ever met when it comes to women."

Abby and Jed make eyes at each other across the room. The brat notices what is going on. She tells Abby she wants to talk about calculus, "If I can stick it out and get a high 'D', I can get through other semesters without math I don't understand."

Abby suggests Nick as a tutor, "He would dress up in a wig and take the test for you if he could."

Stratton and Phillip rush into Shawn and Belle's room. Shawn isn't there. Belle tells Stratton he's in the bathroom and orders Phillip out. Phillip tosses a few threats at Stratton, who goes over and knocks on the bathroom door, "Please don't make me break this door down!"

Philip breaks it in for him. They both look inside the empty room. Phillip sees the open vent and screams, "You idiot! While you were playing games he got away with my daughter!" He tucks his copy of "How To Win Friends And Influence People" under his arm.

Max asks Mimi about the ring they found on the skeleton. Mimi tells him the cops gave it to a guy named Cavanaugh. Max thinks there might be some DNA on the ring if her father hit Bonnie while he was wearing it. Mimi is thrilled Max came up with that. Max sends her to talk to Bonnie. "I'll show you how grateful I am later," says Mimi.

Mimi goes in to see Bonnie and tells her, "It's time for the truth. Why did you have to kill dad?" Bonnie hangs her head and cries.

Rebert tells Nick, "You're too dumb to know how dumb you are in that department. I'll teach you." Nick turns down the offer. "They're not that hard to train," says Rebert, "Lesson one..."

Nick interrupts and says he thinks if anyone overheard, they could bring him up on charges.

"You've got your P.C. thong in a twist," says Rebert, "I'm just trying to get you over the hump – so to speak." Rebert goes into the next room. Nick untwists his thong.

Abby tells the brat she can't ask Nick to dress in drag. The brat says, "Even if I could forget the lies, there is still the 'love' thing. I have to keep Nick far away from me as possible. I plan to make him squirm at work. I'll be working with Dr. McBeautiful. Hovering over the lab table at work with him will make Nick jealous."

The brat says she has to go. She gets up and walks over to the table where Jed and his buddies are sitting, "Hey, dude, she's all yours."

Belle claims she didn't know Shawn was going to go out through the air vent. Phillip tells Stratton to lock Belle up while they go search for Shawn. Stratton locks the door as they rush out of the room.

"The coast is clear," says Belle. Shawn comes out from under the bed with Claire. He unlocks the door with the set of keys he has and the Kiddie Corps rushes out into the hallway. Willow comes up to them and asks, "Going somewhere boys and girls?"

Stratton and Philip search. Phillip notices the open air vent up on deck and looks inside. Stratton thinks Shawn couldn't have crawled all that way with Claire. Suddenly, they hear someone moaning and rush over to find Supply Officer Dolan regaining consciousness in the deck chair where Shawn left him. Realizing what must have happened, Phillip and Stratton run back to the cabin, leaving Dolan to drown in his own blood.

Willow thinks Shawn looks handsome in his uniform, "Too bad you don't have anything to bribe me with, like Phillip's all American checkbook." She puts her hand on the fire alarm, "This should bring them running."

Abby says she has a class. Jed knows she doesn't. Abby says, "I'm kind of involved – with a guy."

"Oh...," says Jed, "So am I."

"Really," says Abby, "I thought you were straight."

Jed claims he wasn't trying to hit on her. Abby is glad about that. They decide things are OK between them. Jed asks for a lift to the mall to get to his job. He claims his car broke down and the busses are too slow.

Nick talks to himself and drops another beaker as Max comes in. Max has the ring, dripping with Mimi's dad's DNA. He wants Nick to check it out. The beaker-breaker says he will test the ring and let him know if he finds anything. Max starts to leaves and then pauses, "Are you... going to see Abby later?" Nick says he will see her after work. Max says to tell her hi for him and stumbles out.

The brat comes into the lab. Rebert comes in from the other room. She tells him she has been looking forward to today. Nick plays with his microbes.

Bonnie claims she had no choice. Mimi wonders if she built the wall in the church by herself. "What jobs haven't I had," asks Bonnie.

"I know you're an expert at snow jobs," says Mimi, "I know you're not a killer. Why did you make me think he was alive?"

Bonnie cries, "I didn't want to lose you."

Mimi insists Bonnie isn't going to lose her. She tells her about testing the ring. Bonnie says to tell Max to forget it, "I killed him. It was me. All me. And prison is exactly where I belong."

Willow waits ready to pull the alarm switch, "One flick of the wrist and..."

Shawn screams, "NO!"

Willow breaks out laughing, "HAHA! I got you! When I see Phillip I'll tell him you said goodbye." Willow leaves.

Shawn can't believe she didn't pull the alarm. "Why didn't she," asks Belle.

"Because she's Willow," says Shawn. They leave as Phillip and Stratton walk in.

Chelsea says she hopes she's dressed properly for the job. Rebert tells her she is dressed perfectly. He's looking forward to teaching her whatever he can. She tells him she needs a calculus tutor. Nick practically breaks a leg jumping off his stool to volunteer to help. Rebert raises his hand like Moses parting the sea, "I'll do whatever I can to help you." He takes Chelsea by the arm and guides her out the door to show her around. Nick stews in his primordial slime.

Bonnie says she deserves what is coming, "Do the crime, do the time. I'll give you the truth. I stole the ring when I was working at the hospital. I had too many bills and I got it as a gift for your father. I'm nothing but a petty thief."

"That's better than first degree murder," says Mimi. She wants to know what is going on. She thinks Bonnie is trying to cover for someone else. Bonnie insists the culprit is her and her alone.

Roman walks into the middle of their yell-fest. Bonnie tells him to book her. Mimi and Bonnie hug each other and vow undying love. Bonnie tells her to try to understand. Roman takes Bonnie out.

"I understand more than you think," says Mimi.

Max rushes in. Mimi says, "My mom is hiding something."

Max asks, "What?"

Mimi says, "We have to find out what it is so I can start helping her think up lies for her bogus alibi – I'm really good at that."

The guys at Jed's table chuckle and watch the action between Jed and Abby. Jed says they aren't his friends. They are all on the baseball team together, but they are still strangers because the season hasn't started yet, "I just thought you would be easy."

Abby reacts, "I'm not all that easy, friend!"

Jed backpedals, "I meant... to talk to."

"I know what you meant," says Abby.

Rebert and Chelsea come back into the lab. Innuendos fly. Chelsea tells Dr. Rebert, "You know, I'm really anxious to show you what I can do. So I promise I will make you happy."

Rebert suggests dinner where they can go over protocols and get to know each other. The brat thinks that sounds great. Nick's eyes bulge.

Mimi thinks there is more to Bonnie's story. She thinks she might be trying to cover for Patrick or Connor. Max knows Nick will find something if it is on the ring. Mimi makes a suggestion, "Let's get out of here and concentrate on something else."

Max hems, haws, stammers and stutters, "I... uh... can't."

Stratton and Rebert go into Shawn and Belle's stateroom. No one is there. Willow joins them, "Are you looking for Shawn, Belle and Claire? Because if you are, they just left."

Phillip does a great impression of Satan, "Why didn't you stop them? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Claire cries as Shawn and Belle rush out onto the deck. Shawn looks overboard and turns to Belle, "We've got to jump."

"What you mean WE, Kemo Sabe," asks Belle.

Rebert says they can discuss Chelsea's duties and calculus at dinner. He wants her to see him as a friend as well as her boss. "Let's leave now while we can still get a good table." They head out. Nick deflates.

Abby thinks Jed has a bet with his friends that he can pick her up, "Go tell your pals you just struck out. No hits, all errors. It was a shutout." Abby huffs and leaves.

The guys at the table break into laughter. One of them says to Jed, "Smooth, pal."

Max claims he has to go to work. Mimi offers to help. Max says if she comes to the garage he will be too distracted to get any work done. Mimi decides to go back to his place. She promises it will be worth the wait. After Mimi leaves Max calls Abby and leaves a message inviting her to stop by the garage later, "Uh... OK... Bye... See 'ya... I hope."

Phillip asks whose side Willow is on. Willow says she is on her own side. Stratton tells Phillip they have to continue searching. Phillip says he will deal with willow later.

"Gee," says Willow, "I can't wait."

Belle asks, "Are you out of your mind more than usual? We could hurt Claire seriously if we jump into that raft."

Shawn says, "Give her to me! We have to."

Belle says, "This is an ocean not a kiddie pool."

Shawn swears they will make it, "Belle, there is no other way!"

"But I can't swim," says Sundance.

"Aw, hell," laughs Butch, "The fall'll probably kill ya."

They join hands and look down, "AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiii..."
Into the abyss. FF.

Marlena tells Kayla, "I'm talking about the person you need to save from Steve."

Nick asks, "Why would I do that." Chelsea says, "Like all world-class losers, you're also a spiteful jerk."

Phillip says, "You have nothing I want." Willow says, "I have Shawn's baby. I owe you Phillip and I always pay back my debt."

Shawn screams, "Belle! Where is she?" Belle's bellicose bawling boggles Brainiac.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Trash And Flash

Lucas and Sami make out. He tells her when he put the ring on her finger he meant it to be forever, just like last time. Their best days are yet to come. Sami wishes she could believe it. So do we.

Lucas gives Sami a pendant "For our little baby girl," which, of course, may wind up being Satan's Spawn. Lucas, however, continues to walk down the blissful path of ignorance (a well-trodden path for him, but I digress) because Sami, who loves and trusts him more than anything in the world doesn't love and trust him quite enough to tell him about her night with EJ. Like the sands through the hourglass, so will our torture continue. Sami wonders what if it isn't a girl. Lucas says he'll put a football on it. Or a whoopee cushion. He can't wait to tell the world she is pregnant, but he will wait if that's what she wants. Sami thinks they shouldn't be buying the baby gifts so soon. Lucas rambles about the baby while Sami tortures herself. The viewers passed the point of torture long ago.

Kayla begs Patch not to leave, as he throws his things into a suitcase. Patch is in meltdown. He says he nearly choked the life out of her and there will not be a next time. He's leaving.

Phillip looks over the side of the boat. Willow sports her new outfit. What there is of it, anyway. She thinks the ship is a floating palace. She's been in at the gambling tables taking advantage of some easy marks. She pays back Phillip's loan in full. He don' want her stinkin' money. Willow decides to head back to the tables. Phillip stops her, "We're here for one reason – to get my daughter back."

Belle says she has never been so scared in her life, except for that time she found a zit right on the tip of her nose. They are one sunrise from losing their little girl. Shawn promises no one will break up their family. Belle asks, "Do you have a plan?"

Shawn says, "It's dangerous but I think it's our only chance."


Willow tells Phillip she isn't stupid. Coulda fooled Phillip. She says she knows why they are there. Phillip doesn't think Shawn and Belle will just wait for them to dock. Jumping into the ocean in the middle of nowhere with a child would be one of the dumbest things anybody could do. That's why he is sure Shawn and Belle will try it. Willow tells him to lighten up. Not till he gets his daughter back. Willow asks why Phillip doesn't hire a nanny to take care of Claire. Someone like – Willow. Phillip chuckles.

Shawn's big plan is to steal a life raft and head out into the infinite void. Belle wonders how they will navigate without a compass. Shawn says he'll use the stars, "Just like I did on the Fancy Face."

"You mean the one you navigated straight to the bottom of the Salem Sea," asks Belle. Shawn says they have to take a chance and go for it or they will lose Claire forever. Claire figures being born as the daughter of these nitwits wasn't such a great idea.

Sami says the baby is private, not a secret. Lucas thinks if people find out, it's no big deal. Sami tells him to keep his trap shut about it.

Lucas trap is the closest thing on earth to a perpetual motion machine, "At least we know when you conceived the child."


"You know – that night," says Lucas, "You saved me and conceived a child in one night. You're superwoman." Stuporwoman doesn't like thinking about that night. She was scared. He comforts her. Sami just wants to focus on her family.

There is a knock at the door. We hear EJ through the door asking them to open up. Why in God's name Sami actually opens the door is beyond any reasonable person's imagination, but she does. EJ busts in looking like the cat that ate the canary and booms, "You're secret is out! He turns to Sami, "You're shining like a Botticelli!" And the Emmy for dumb simile of the year goes to... EJ runs on, "Kate told me the marvelous news! I wanted to be the first to congratulate you!"

Kayla freaks. She tells Steve he can't leave. They argue. Endlessly. He has to get as far away from the DiMeras as he can so they can't find him, "Don't try to stop me. Don't make me live all the Days Of Our Lives with your blood on my hands."

EJ says Kate told her the happy news. He came to mend wounds. Lucas tells him he can go. EJ says he wants to know the date so he can mark it on the calendar. Lucas and Sami wonder why he would want to know the date. EJ says he didn't mean to be presumptuous, but he assumed he will be invited to the wedding. OK, if you were fooled by this, you are banned from Prevuze. Sorry. Prevuze aspires to a higher level of intelligence in its readers. If you rode the short bus to school, this is your stop. EJ just couldn't be happier for the two of them. He asks if there are any other surprises. Of course not.

EJ tells them about the wedding gift he is giving them – A month off with full pay and the company jet will be at their disposal. Lucas just couldn't accept. EJ says they will need the time off to get ready for being tormented by Kate for the rest of their lives.

More Kayla-Steve arguing. Kayla drags out their entire history. Steve doesn't know what was worse – being tortured by the DiMeras, or having Kayla dump all this baggage on him. Kayla says her soul was dead and buried with him. Now he wants to take the miracle of his resurrection from the dead away from her. Kayla tells him if that's what he's going to do he should strangle her right now. After that tirade, he's probably ready to.

Phillip doesn't think trusting Willow with his daughter is a good idea. He tells her Shawn knocking her up is the only reason they share the same space, "You're free ride is almost over."

"Shawn will set you straight," says Willow, "It isn't that easy to get rid of me. Especially if you don't have a fire extinguisher handy."

Shawn wants Belle to just trust him. He needs to figure out a way to get out of the cabin. Claire conveniently picks that moment to load up her diapers and Belle heads for the bathroom to change her. While Belle is busy, Brainiac surveys the cabin. Suddenly, Belle yells, "Shawn! I figured something out! If you push the little handle on the toilet, the poop all goes away."

EJ says what he said about Kate was just a joke. Sami excuses herself. Lucas tells EJ he had second thoughts about working at Myth-Ick, especially with Kate there. EJ says if Kate interferes with business she is his problem, not Lucas'. Sami comes back and asks why EJ is still there. EJ takes the hint and leaves, but grabs their trash on the way out, saying he'll do them a favor and take it out for them.

Sami freaks. Lucas asks, "What's with you? I mean, I know you don't want people to know you're pregnant, but... especially EJ. Why?"

Outisde, EJ goes through the trash sack, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Steve and Kayla keep up the insanity. Steve really doesn't want to choke her. Kayla tells him to consider it a mercy killing. She begs him to stay. He can't. He loves her too much. She grabs the suitcase from him.

Belle has discovered an air vent in the bathroom. Shawn removes it. He's decides to shimmy down it and figure where it goes and then come back for her. If he gets stuck she is supposed to, "Push the Purser's button and order lots of Vaseline, "Be ready when I get back."

Phillip laughs at Willow's threat, "You're all trash and flash." Willow thinks Phillip needs her as much as she needs him. She threatens to go to the court and tell them Victor bribed her. Phillip sneers, "Claire's future is in my hands, not yours."

Phillip picks her up and dangles her over the ship's rail. Willow screams, "What the hell Phillip? Put me down!" Ho overboard!

Willow screams. She begs. Phillip brings her back up. Willow practically spits in his face, "I hate you!"

"I'm crushed."

Willow nukes, "You're a sick, twisted monster! I hope Shawn and Belle get to keep your kid!"

Willow leaves. Phillip limps off in the other direction. Shawn pops out of a vent like a Jerk-in-the-box. A guard walks by and checks things as Shawn stays out of sight.

Belle packs. There is a knock at the door. Ensign Stratton yells through the door that he needs to speak to them. Belle tells him she is undressed. She runs into the bathroom, turns on the shower and comes out wearing a robe. Stratton says he needs to speak to them both. Belle tells him Shawn is in the shower. Stratton will wait.

Lucas presses, "Why is EJ finding out a such a big deal?" Sami says she just doesn't like how he's acting so fake with them. She doesn't want to be around people like that right now. She claims she doesn't know why he wants to know if she is pregnant. Lucas tries to calm the raging sea of hormones that Sami has become. He wants her to follow doctor's orders. He begs her not to keep it a secret, "It will be fine. Trust me."

Kayla cradles the suitcase. If he's leaving he has to go through her. He can arrange that. She gets him down and beats him. Total hysteria reigns.

Sami refuses to tell anyone she is pregnant. Lucas asks if it's because she still has a thing for EJ. She tells him not even to think that. If anything she is afraid of EJ. She trusts Lucas to protect her, but it is EJ she doesn't trust. Lucas reminds her EJ offered to foot the honeymoon bill. He thinks Sami sounds a little paranoid. Sami thinks he's on EJ's side all of a sudden. The bluebird of happiness decides to find a better place to live and flies out of their window.

EJ is with Stefano. Together they take a little trip through Sami and Lucas' trash. EJ finds an envelope from Dr. David Lieberman confirming Sami's pregnancy, "Father, it's just as we hoped. A baby. And with any luck, a DiMera baby." Stefano makes a fist.

Steve and Kayla spiral into the vortex of unbridled animal sex. John Black style rough amore. Suddenly he sees signs of fear in her face, "I put that there!" He backs off. She begs him to stay as he runs out screaming, "I love you, Sweetness. I love you." Kayla falls into a heap o' tears.

Shawn has cold-cocked the deck guard and is wearing his uniform. He takes the guys keys and leaves him to die.

Belle stalls Stratton. She asks what this is about. He shows her a news story faxed in form the Toronto newspaper. It says Shawn and Belle are suspected kidnappers, meaning they violated the restraining order. Belle says it isn't valid outside the US. Stratton is going to take Shawn to the brig anyway. Belle thinks that's unfair to Claire. Claire lost the fairness game when she wound up with two crackpots as parents.

"I need to feed her," says Belle.

"Go right ahead," says Stratton.

"I need to feed her PERSONALLY," says Belle, "Come back later." Stratton says he will be back in 10 minutes. He leaves. Belle brings Claire a case of Zwieback.

Shawn sneaks.

Lucas insists he isn't defending EJ. Sami doesn't like EJ still living in the same building as them. Lucas tells her not to be afraid of EJ. She says she can't help the way she feels. He tries to get her to concentrate on all the good in their lives. Nobody will take that from them. Billy Preston sings in the background, "Nothin' from nothin' is nothin'..."

EJ tells Stefano it looks like everything is going according to plan. There is a good chance he planted the DiMera seed. And it's only a matter of time until Patch comes to them. Words can't express how grateful EJ is. Stefano made him the man he is today. He will repay him with the greatest gift he can give him, "If it takes the rest of my life, I vow to get DOOL off the air. And I vow to make my father well again."

Kayla cries in the quiet dark apartment. Emphasis on quiet. She looks at their wedding picture. She resists heaving it across the room and hugs it. Then she drops it and staggers around like a drunken zombie.

Out in the hall, Stratton locks the door to Shawn and Belle's stateroom. Shawn hides until Stratton has left and then goes in, using the keys he swiped. Belle tells him they are going to throw him in the brig. She packs while Shawn checks to see if the coast is clear.

Lucas tells Sami to wipe EJ from her mind. If he finds out she is pregnant, so what, "What is the worst that could happen? What we have is forever. You have to trust us." Smooch. Sami says she will try. She gives a blank stare as they hug.

Phillip unlocks the door to his stateroom as Shawn watches and ducks back into his room. Phillip looks across at Shawn's room. Shawn tells Belle Phillip is outside. Belle says they've to get out now.

EJ hears noises in the warehouse and goes to investigate. Patch comes through the door. What happened to getting as far away from the DiMera's as he could so they couldn't find him? How the hell did he find this place? Oh well. If I wanted great literature, I'd pull my Dick and Jane Reader off the shelf. Patch tells EJ he wins, "Just don't hurt Kayla."

"Kayla's fate is in your hands," says EJ.

Patch attacks. He sticks a knife up next to EJ's throat, "We'll see whose fate is in who's hands." EJ flashes the devil card and Patch becomes a vegetable.

EJ says, "You are one of us, now. Let's start with something easy. Bring John Black to me."

Patch drones, "Bring John black. Bring John black."

Kayla hugs a robe. She makes a call, "It's me. I've got to talk to you. It's about Steve. It's a matter of life and death." FF.


Chelsea tells Dr. Rebert, "You know, I'm really anxious to show you what I can do. So I promise I will make you happy." Nick watches.

Mimi says, "My mom is hiding something." Max asks, "What?" Mimi says, "We have to find out what it is before it's too late."

Willow asks, "Are you looking for Shawn, Belle and Claire? Because if you are, they just left." Phillip screams, "Why didn't you stop them? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Shawn looks overboard and turns to Belle, "We've got to jump."

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