Thursday, November 04, 2010

The Press Conference

Unfortunately, we've lost the DOOL satellite, perhaps permanently. While everyone who uses the feed is continuing to assess the situation, I am, in conjunction with Barb at the Salem Spectator, asking for a Canadian reader, or someone in the US who can receive the Canadian broadcast, to help by recording and uploading the show. That way, our blogs will remain at least a bit ahead in the US. If you think you can help Prevuze and other blogs, please contact me at Thanks.

There was no DOOL broadcast yesterday in the US (or, as I understand it, in Canada) due to the press conference which all networks carried. As a result, I have no recap today. However, Prevuze, being the eclectic, worldly and all-encompassing blog that it is, (Translation: meddling) did cover the press conference from the perspective of the typical DOOL viewer. (In other words, I slept through it).

* * * * *

The crowd of reporters sits in anticipation and stares at the empty podium where, in just a few minutes, the leader will appear. Suddenly, Hail To The Cheat booms over the loudspeaker and the man himself walks down the long corridor and stands before the throng.

"I have no prepared remarks," says Mayor Abe Carver, "Preparing remarks is a lot of work and as Mayor I have vowed to do as little of that as possible. But mainly I didn't prepare opening remarks because, although I am a typical politician, I hate for people to hear me lying in public. With that, I'll throw it open to questions. I might even answer some of them."

In unison, several reporters shout, "MR. MAYOR!"

Abe leans over to an aide and whispers, "Do I actually have to pick one of those bozos?"

"It wouldn't look good if we just walked out, Mr. Mayor," says Smithers.

"Can I use the 'dartboard' method of choosing someone," asks Abe.

"No, Mr. Mayor," says Smithers, "The last time you did that, instead of throwing the dart at a dartboard, you threw it at the reporters and we had to continue the press conference at Salem Hospital."

Reluctantly, Mayor Abe makes his choice.

The reporter introduces herself, "Nicole Walker of Titan News. Last night, Mr. Mayor, although you weren't up for re-election, virtually every candidate you supported took what the President of the United States called a 'shellacking.' Do you interpret these results as a reflection on your own performance?"

"Not at all," booms Abe, "Shellack is for sissies. The good citizens of Salem always reserve tar and feathers for me."

The Mayor points at a familiar face in the back of the room.

The reporter says, "Tek Kramer... independent reporter. Mr. Mayor, do you plan any trips out of town without your smokin' hot uh... lovely wife in the near future?"

"It has been suggested," says Abe, "that I will be riding out of town on a rail with the aforementioned tar and feathers."

The Mayor makes another selection.

Mr. Mayor," says the reporter, "I'm Kinsey, cub reporter for Titan News."

"You're awfully young," says the Mayor, "How did you get this job?"

"I bribed Nicole," says Kinsey.

"Well," says Abe, "If you're involved in bribery, you might make a good politician someday. By the way, do you have a last name?"

"No," says Kinsey, "but they're working on it."

"Well," asks Abe, "What is your question Miss __________?"

"Mr. Mayor," asks Kinsey, "What is your vision for the city of Salem?"

"That's an easy one," says Abe, "I see a toy store on every corner, free candy, every kid gets a pony, all day recess at school and at Christmas, it will be illegal to give a kid socks."

"May I ask another question," asks Kinsey.

"You just did," says the Mayor, "But continue anyway."

"Well," says Kinsey, "I'm a mindless teen, but even I can see that's not a very realistic program. So, with all due respect, Mr. Mayor, WTF?"

"Well," says Hizonner, "You asked for my vision, didn't you?"


"So don't forget," says Abe, "I have the eyes of Zack Brady, a six-year-old child."

With that, Smithers leans over and whispers, "Mr. Mayor, do you realize the TV coverage of this press conference just pre-empted Days Of Our Lives?"

The Mayor nearly faints, "Oh, sh*t."

Smithers asks, "Mr. Mayor, do you realize you're still speaking into an open microphone?"

"Oh, sh*t."

Mayor Abe glances into the audience and sees torches and pitchforks as the townsfolk shout, "DOOL! DOOL! DOOL!"

Smithers says, "Mr. Mayor, I know it is your custom at the end of a press conference to spew enough hot air to create another 'balloon-boy' incident, but in this case, I think you should cut things short."

In the background, Lynyrd Skynyrd sings 'Gimme Three Steps' as Abe makes a break for it.

The crazed crowd follows. In the back of the room, someone is heard to shout, "Don't forget the tar and feathers!"

Reporter Tek Kramer hangs back. He takes out his cell phone and makes a call, "Hello, Lexie? What are you doing this evening?"

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Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews, which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE


Anonymous Leslie said...

Maybe Abe can offer Nancy Pelosi a job on the SPD.

5:14 AM  
Anonymous adisneydreamer said...

Thank you for letting us know about the press conference. I went to watch it on Soap last night and had the worst feeling of deja vu. I mean come on watching the daily show once is enough, lol.

I must say that your press conference is the only one that I have ever enjoyed.

I also want to express thanks for the great job that you do on Prevuze.

I come every day to read and get my morning chuckle (ok I laugh out loud which gets me a lot of looks at work).

I love the day aheads but I even enjoy the day of also the spin that you put on the story is so great. Keep of the great work.

6:28 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

If only the show could be as entertaining as Abe's press conference.

I suspect the people of Salem were as shocked as I was to discover Nicole still has a job at the station. The last thing she covered were the muggings on the pier. I just gotta get me a job in that town!

Thanks for the press coverage, Prevuze, and I look forward to your new posting later today. :D

Word verification: smorr As in we always want smorr Prevuze.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

With this kind of juicy press conference it's no wonder that crack investigative reporter and TV journalist, Jennifer, is heading back to town.

Thanks for the press conference recap, Prevuze. I couldn't bear to watch the recording of the real think last night. ;-)

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Betyar said...

LOL Prevuze over Tek Kramer hanging around to ask Lexie for a date!? Unlike Nancy(who'se political career is in the toilet) Abe's political life is as strong as ever. No chance of Lexie dumping him yet...after all, she has to have a husband to cheat on, when Tek comes to Salem lookin for some action. I must say, I'm wondering about Abe though...unlike the Spitzers and the Edwards of the world, he seems to be sans mistresses, or the high end call girl lurking around...What's the brother doing in his spare time? (which must be quite a lot, given the number of patients Lexie manages to kills off doing her shifts at Salem Hosp., or the occasional 'girls night out", conveniently scheduled when Tek's in town) :)

11:26 AM  

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