Monday, March 05, 2007

Lowdy Hi And Hidey low... Doo Dah... Doo Dah

Sami and Lucas are at the church rehearsing the wedding. They practice lighting the candles. Lucas thinks it would be a nice touch to set a bag full of dog poop on fire and have someone from the audience come up and stomp it out. Father Kelly says now that they have the candle lighting down pat, next week they can come back and rehearse the "act of contrition." Contrition isn't high on Sami's list. She blows her stack and refuses to do it.

Billie comes to see EJ. He opens his door and drools, "Billie!"

"Mr. Wells."

"Formal, I see," says EJ, "All right, Miss Reed. Dressed to impress I see. And I am."

Billie cuts him off, "I'm on business." She is there to show him her presentation.

The brat serves chips to the dip. He reminds her this isn't a party. It's a tutoring session. Chelsea assures him she can be a lot more fun than calculus. Nick knows this isn't as much fun as carrying cash across the border to Shawn and Belle but if she gives it a try she might like it. The brat's mind wanders, "Do you ever wonder what happened to Shawn and Belle?" Nick bets they are just fine.

Tsunami Belle rolls onto the island with full force. She is beside herself with worry over Claire's boo-boo. Shawn vows to get them off the island tonight. Thunder rolls in the background as the perfect storm moves in on them. Hey, if the island is wiped off the face of the earth, they'll be off of it, right?

Belle turns her meltdown from Claire's cut to Shawn's ability to get them off the island. "Where is the boat?"

"I know about boats," says Shawn, "I've sunk my share of them." He'll build one in a flash and all they have to do is find an island out there with people on it. Thunder rolls. Belle freaks. Noah gets to work.

Speaking of freaking, Sami isn't doing a bad job of it herself. She wants to wait to talk to Father Jansen when he gets back. Lucas isn't comfortable with putting the wedding on hold. Father Newbie tells Sami he's heard it all. Little does he know. The priest leaves. Lucas suggests they had better check in with the bagpipers. Sami nukes. She don' wan' no stinkin' bagpipes.

Billie tells EJ her system takes pictures so sharp and clear, it looks like HDTV. EJ is impressed, but he still doesn't see what makes Billie's system an improvement over existing technology. Billie holds up her cell phone, "Wireless. The phone controls everything. One push of a button and you have a live camera view." EJ figures out that's why Billie called it Century Cell. Billie says, "If you call in and see something going on, you press the panic code and the system closes and locks all the doors, dials 911 and fills the house with poison gas. EJ loves it. He grabs her face and plants a big one right on the lips. Billie reels backwards, "WHAT WAS THAT?"

Nick doesn't get it. He can't understand why the brat can't figure out the calculus problem. She thinks he doesn't understand how other people's brains work, "See, there are thousands of me-brains out there and only a few of you-brains. There are millions like me."

Nick insists there is only one Chelsea. Thank God.. Nick gets back to work, "So hi is your numerator and d is your denominator. So, say it with me... lowdy hi minus hidey low is..."

The brat breaks out laughing, "Lowdy hi, Hidey low, sounds like we should be standing on top of an Austrian mountaintop with leather pants and goat herds yodeling our butts off."

Nick decides that's the way to teach her, "We'll sing it, Lowdy hi minus hidey low... doo dah... doo dah."

Issac Newton, inventor of calculus looks down on the scene, "OMG! That's it! I forgot the doo dah factor! "

The brat chimes in with the next chorus, "This is really freaking dumb, doo-fus, doo-fus..." Nick is just delighted. Now all she has to do is take out the freaking dumb part and put in the equation.

The brat gives it a try. She takes out all the freaking dumb stuff and the TV screen goes blank.

Billie scurries around the room picking up her papers and ranting that most people would show their approval by a handshake or a check, "But this is the first time I have ever been kissed." Billie wins the Emmy for the biggest fib in TV history. EJ apologizes but says it's just that he's never seen anything as impressive as this. Billie is sitting on a gold mine. Billie asks if this is for real. EJ assures her it is. She's going right to the top. EJ asks if they have a deal. Billie says there is one more thing, "If I find out you are trying to play me, or use this system for one of your hidden agendas, then it is all over. And, one more thing – If you ever try to kiss me again, this relationship is over. You got that, Romeo?" Romeo's got it.

Belle freaks as she collects two of each kind of animal on the island. She tells Shawn they might drown if they get on the flimsy piece of debris he is building. Shawn says, "You are right. We might lose. We might drown. But if we don't try, we are gonna lose her for sure. Anything would be better than that. I'm gonna do what it takes."

Belle takes his hand, "What can I do to help?"

"Keep screaming. It drowns out the thunder."

EJ wonders why Billie would think he has an ulterior motive. Billie huffs, "Oh, please, EJ. Or should I call you Elvis?"

"Oh," says EJ, "My reputation preceding me again."

"You're no saint," says Billie. EJ says from what he has heard Saint Billie might have a few indiscretions under her belt, too. Billie tells him she isn't in his league when it comes to grand felonies, though. He reminds her he remains conviction free. Billie thanks him for his time and attention, but thinks she is better off taking her business elsewhere.

"Wait, Billie," says EJ, "I have not been forthcoming with you.

We pan back from a window at St. Luke's. No motorcycle. Lucas wonders why Sami wouldn't want to get married in a church. Sami says it's because of all the things she has done and all the lies she has told. Lucas insists that's not who she is anymore, "Tell me what's bothering you."

Sami narrows it down, "EVERYTHING! I can't do this. I can't marry you."

Lucas says, "Don't you leave me, dammit!"

Lucas begs Sami not to hurt him like this. He doesn't want her to walk away from him but Sami thinks he deserves better. Lucas thinks she wants to walk away because of the terrible things he has said about her in the past. He wants to be there for her now. Sami says he doesn't know everything. She wonders how he can want her knowing all of the bad things she has done. He says it's because he's also seen the good things she has done. Both of them.

Nick and the brat work on her calculus homework. She thinks she got it right but he finds an error. Chelsea gets upset, "Maybe I should just drop the class and take something I understand like Breathing 101." Nick insists she isn't stupid. She's good at things more important than calculus... real life things. He tells her he's jealous of the fact that she is good at talking to people and can manipulate them into doing whatever she wants. She closes her book and tells him she wants to try something else they both might be good at if they spend some time on it.

EJ tells Billie she called his bluff. He offers an advance to make up for his inappropriate behavior earlier. This will show her he is serious about taking this forward. EJ is impressed with her idea but warns her that his backing doesn't guarantee success. It will be a tough sell to the board of directors. Her system hasn't been proven yet. She has no testimonials, "A good word will go a long way. You need to get somebody well-respected within the community to use the product and give it the stamp of approval."

Billie asks, "Where am I going to find someone in Salem who is well-respected."

EJ thinks someone in law enforcement would be perfect, "If you can't get someone well-respected, then get someone who is too stupid to find his butt with both hands – anyone on the Salem PD will do.."

Shawn asks, "What do you think," asks Shawn.

"Thinking isn't my strong suit," says Belle. But she's glad the rain has held off. Shawn just knows they can make this work. In that case Belle is OK, "Our future is out there... whatever it is. And we will be together as a family, the blind leading the blind."

EJ thinks it would seal the deal with the board of directors if they had a signed testimonial from someone who works on the police force. Billie suggests Bo. EJ reminds her Bo isn't really keen on him given the fact that EJ is Stefano's son. Billie realizes that too, "Although... I can't help but wonder if somehow you're different, you know, the first DiMera who's actually..."

EJ interrupts, "Human?" There is a knock at the door. The humanoid gets up to answer. The hunchback at the door tells him he has information about the "patient." EJ tells him this isn't a good time.

"Patient," asks Billie, "What patient?"

Lucas doesn't care what happens at the wedding. If Sami doesn't want to confess she doesn't have to. The most important thing is they exchange their vows with each other, before God. She will walk down the aisle and hear those bagpipes play Amazing Grace just like she has always wanted, "Amazing Grace... you once were lost... both of us... and now are found. That's what we have – an Amazing Grace kind of love." Lucas assures her they will be OK.

Sami says, "But there is one thing I need to ask you to do for me first."

Billie apologizes for interrupting. EJ says that's all right and makes up a story about a colleague of his in London who has a heart condition. EJ has to pay his medical bills. Billie says they were about done anyway. She excuses herself. EJ tells her not to jeopardize anything. Billie assures him she can take care of it.


After Billie leaves, EJ talks to the hunchback about Stefano. The hunchback tells him Stefano is back home in Italy. EJ hauls out a box and hands it to Quasimodo. It contains the gun that shot the Archduke Ferdinand. "That gun," says EJ, "Started the first World War. I thought my father would appreciate it knowing the war he started here is still ongoing. The war that I plan to finish for him."

Sami's rage has driven her beyond the brink of sanity. She tells Lucas they should invite Kate to the wedding, maybe not dressed as Stan this time, though, "She is your mother, Lucas. We can't spend all the Days Of Our Lives treating her like the enemy."

Lucas isn't sure about this. Neither is Sami, "But that's what Amazing Grace is all about."

The brat wants Nick to stop nagging. She thinks he is sounding as bad as her mother. She's been worried about Billie ever since she hooked up with "that guy." Suddenly, "that guy" is really interested in getting back to calculus. The brat thinks there is no point to it. She won't use it in her real life. Nick asks what she is going to major in.

"Marrying rich," says the brat, "Or maybe history." Nick thinks she would be great at that. She could get a job at the Smithsonian. The brat tells him he is always complimenting her. She wonders if he might ever get sick of her. He swears he could never get sick of her.

Meanwhile, the baby cries on the island. So does Claire. Shawn tells her Belle has gone to get some berries for their trip, and with any luck, she'll pick up a clue or two, also.

Belle comes back and watches as Daddy tells Claire the legend of Shawn the sailor. He was about as young as she is when he went on his first boat trip. Only young Shawn actually went on a boat as opposed to the USS Flotsam they are about to embark on. Claire bawls like her mother on steroids and thinks of how horrible it would be to be in the safe, warm, dry Kiriakis mansion right now.

Belle shows Shawn her handful of berries. There is something she needs to say to Shawn. She apologizes for the way she treated him before. She is grateful for everything they have been through.

"Well," says Shawn, "Let's try and keep you that way." Shawn goes to prepare the most rickety raft ever built for its voyage on the raging sea.

Chelsea tells Nick he's good with details and doesn't miss anything, so she wonders if he noticed he was stroking her cheek. Nick stammers, "We... should really get back to that calculus." He reaches for a book. She stops him. Nick looks at her, "Hi."

Chelsea says, "Hi..." KISS.

Now that Billie has tasted the flesh of a geek, she has hired her own geek boy. She hands Chris a list and tells him the programming has to be flawless. Chris the Geek tells her it will be. Chris leaves. Billie calls Bo and asks if she can come over and talk to him for a second, "How would you feel if I told you I had a business proposal for you?"

Lucas tells Sami she's a pain in the butt when she is right, not to mention when she is wrong, but he'll do it. Sami will wait at home while Lucas heads out to walk on hot coals.

Lucas turns as he leaves, "Oh, and... Brady..."

"What," asks Sami.

"I just thought I'd use it one last time while I could," says Lucas, "See you at home Mrs. Roberts."

Sami smiles and whispers, "Home." She turns and heads to the altar, "I know I'm supposed to wait until next week, but this is what counts. True confessions by Samantha Brady." Sami reels off all the commandments she has broken.

God leaf's through the big reference book in the sky and says, "I could have sworn there were only ten."

Basically, Sami tells Him if Lucas knew she had agreed to have sex with EJ, Lucas wouldn't understand, "The truth is I would do it all over again. I would do anything to save Lucas. But that's done. Lucas and I have a fresh start. It's a new Sami, a new Lucas and a new life. So please don't let Lucas find out what happened. And one more thing... and I promise I won't ask for anything more as long as I live, just like I promised last time. Please don't let EJ be the father of this baby."

POP QUIZ! Take out your pencils and a piece of paper and put your books under your desk. The question is, in five hundred words or less, who do you suppose just walked into the church behind Sami? You have exactly five minutes to answer the question...

TIME'S UP! Put your pencils down.

EJ howls with laughter, "Oh, Samantha, It may be true, only God can make trees, but he can't unravel DNA, or a stupid DOOL plot.. Keep praying. You know what they say, confession is good for the soul."

FF Sami


Lucas says, "Sami wanted me to give you this. It's an invitation to our wedding. Now who looks surprised?" Kate stands open-jawed.

Nick says, "If you wanna hit me that's fine. Give me your best shot because I deserve it." The brat gives him her best shot, but not with her fist.

Billie says, "No hard feelings, OK?" Bo says, "It's not hard feelings. I'm worried about your life."

EJ tells Sami, "I'm going to take my child whether you like it or not."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The brat gives it a try. She takes out all the freaking dumb stuff and the TV screen goes blank."

Truer words have never been typed on Prevuze! ROFLOL

7:18 AM  
Anonymous KOTU said...

"Amazing Grace" Isn't that what they usually play at funerals?

Given this is a Lumi wedding I suppose it's appropriate. LOL

7:25 AM  
Anonymous applecheeks said...

Thanks for the picture acknowledgement. It always makes my day when I can be included in the funny stuff Prevuze dishes up!

For example the moving picture, Bulldog's gem, Father Newbie & Isaac Newton and the doo dah factor. (Maybe that's why I never quite got math. I was missing the 'doo dah' factor.)

Thanks for the Monday boost.

7:45 AM  
Blogger Bulldog said...

I can't believe I failed the test. (Well, it IS Monday...) I'd answered it was Kate who'd walked up behind Sami.

I wonder how/where Billie got this miraculous piece of technology? Like she could've dreamed it up on her own!

Great Prevuisms today - I loved Lucas' picture and the doo-dah factor. :D

8:12 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

I'd answered it was Kate who'd walked up behind Sami.

Under the circumstances, ridiculous as they are, we'd have to give nearly full credit for answering Kate. Same if you had said it was Lucas walking back in. It's whoever can do the most damage... Doo Dah... Doo Dah.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not to be too geeky, but in lowdy high and highdy low, high is the numerator, low is the denominator, and d is the derivative. Or in this case, d can stand for dumbass.

10:25 AM  
Blogger soul_bird said...

Meanwhile, the baby cries on the island. So does Claire. *LOL*

5:58 PM  

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