Monday, September 11, 2006

Firm But Chewy

EJ walks by the docks and talks on his phone, "Another false lead? I'm so sorry, Sami. I think your father is right. He's got half the department down here looking for Will. I know we're going to find him. He's going to be alive. He's going to be well. I just feel it." EJ hears noises and has to go. He sees the brat sprawled on some stairs nearly passed out. She slurs, "Go away, Max. I don't need you."

Max cries in his beer and orders another. Lisa hands it to him. He twists the cap off with his forearm and takes a swig. Billie comes up, "Drowning your sorrows? That doesn't work."

"I'm not getting drunk," says Max, "I'm just having a few beers."

"I don't mean to butt in," she butts in, "But are you sure you want to do this?"

Max steams, "Every time I do something to support Chelsea, I get burned. She not only left the file for Shawn to see, but she doctored it up. I've had enough."

Billie tells him the brat is devastated. "I'm sure she is," says Max, "She's looking at jail."

That's not what Billie meant. She's devastated over losing him, "You know Chelsea, she has a tendency to go off the deep end."

Max says, "It's not my problem any more." She and I are through and you have to accept it." Stephanie watches and smirks.

Kayla pays the bellhop. Patch thinks this is a little pricey. Kayla tells him it's no big deal. She thought they deserved a treat. He pulls out her chair and she sits. He walks over to his side of the table and sits. He stares at the setting, "Oh my... three forks."

Kayla explains how things work. The first course is Seviche.

Patch thinks it's a little underdone, "This is raw fish isn't it?"

"Well...," she explains, "It's marinated."

"Damn," says Patch, "What will they think of next?"

"I don't know... an interesting story line for this show? "

PrevuzePatch gives it a shot, "Interesting texture. Firm but chewy." Kayla says she misses cooking. She needs a place with a kitchen. Patch suggests a motel by the waterfront with a kitchenette. Kayla was thinking of a place a little more permanent. She had a home in mind. She could make Salem her home again with him and Stephanie there. She thought after dinner they could do some house hunting online.

Patch sighs, "I'm not in the market for a place in the suburbs, especially since we're not gonna be living together."

Suddenly, Kayla gets something in her eye. She gets up and walks across the room. Patch apologizes. He just thinks right now he needs some space, and some cooked food. Kayla understands. Kayla suggests the main course. Steak Au Poivre. Patch would rather have Steak Au Regular, but he tries it and likes it. She says he used to order it all the time. He thinks that's funny. He is just a regular meat and potatoes guy. Kayla proposes a toast to reconnecting with the past and the future. Patch toasts reconnecting with real food. Clink.

Stephanie says she overheard what Max said about dumping the brat. She says she didn't mean to interrupt and starts to leave. Billie encourages her to stay and help her convince Max to go back to the brat. Billie makes her pitch, "She was trying to do something good."

Max says, "Look, I really hope I'm wrong. But I'm not. Chelsea is the way she is and she will never change."

EJ asks what is wrong with the little druggie. He drags her up as she protests. EJ says he doesn't smell alcohol on her breath, "What have you taken?"

"I don't remember," slurs the stoner.

EJ goes through her purse. He holds up a little plastic bag, "What's this? Ecstasy?" The brat smiles like a drugged out ree-tard on a seedy dock.

Ecstasy - A drug with mind-altering properties so devastating that the user actually begins to take DOOL seriously.

EJ lectures. He wants to know where she got it.

The brat giggles, "The John Black Super Spy Surplus and Drug Emporium."

EJ throws it in the water. She insists this is the first time. "This is not a solution," says EJ.

"What happens in my life is none of your business," says the head job.

"No," says EJ, "It's your parents and probation officer's problem." He starts to make a call. The little tripper grabs his cell phone, throws it in the water and runs.

Max asks Billie if she believes the brat is innocent. "Of course," says Billie, "She's trying to be a better brat. She's not the same girl who wouldn't take responsibility for Zack and she's not the same girl who wouldn't take responsibility for those emails." Oops.

Max asks, "What the hell are you talking about Billie?"

Kayla has peach pie for desert. "Things are definitely looking up here," says Patch. Kayla says she knows they don't have much in common but she comes from working class people.

"Apparently I come from non-working people," says Patch.

"The past doesn't matter," says Kayla.

"For some of us, it doesn't exist," says Patch.

"All that's important is who we are," says Kayla, "In time you'll realize we belong together."

"Are you always this optimistic," he asks, "You saw the good in me when no one else did. What did your family think when you told them you were mixed up with me?"

"I didn't care what they thought," says Kayla, "I saw things in you. You were vulnerable. You wouldn't let anyone get close. Not even me. But you changed. You finally trusted me. I happened the day you let me take your Patch off."

Flashback. Patch sweats. Kayla reaches. He begs her not to take the patch off. She tells him to trust her. The Patch comes off. Kayla says she has to leave for the drugstore. Outside, she wretches.

"You let me see a part of you that you kept hidden," says Kayla, "Maybe you thought I'd flinch, but I realized I loved you inside and out. I still love you." Smooch.

Billie can't answer Max immediately due to the fact that her foot is lodged so deep in her mouth. Max asks her about the emails. Billie thought he knew. Billie comes clean and tells him what the brat did.

"OMG," says Stephanie.

Billie says the brat was desperate. She was terrified of going to jail. Max explodes, "Is that supposed to excuse her? She is responsible for breaking up Bo and Hope!"

Billie says, "No, she isn't. Because when Hope found out about the emails, she still asked for a divorce."

"Thanks to Chelsea," snorts Max, "Hope probably would never have slept with Patrick if she knew how Bo felt. All Chelsea cares about is saving her own neck. I don't want her in my life."


Billie gives up, "I guess you've made up your mind. I think you're going to regret it when you find out the truth. I wish you the best. I appreciate the fact that you were always good to her. I hope you find someone who will make you happy." Billie leaves. Max and Stephanie have a staredown.

The brat comes into a crummy joint. She walks up to the bar and orders whatever he has on tap.

"I'll need some ID," says the bartender.

EJ walks in, "That won't be necessary. She's underage."

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds turns to EJ and slurs, "For such a hot and sexy race driver you are such a drag, just like Max."

"I don't want you behind the wheel tonight," he says

"What," she asks, "You thought I'd run over someone again? I feel great. I know that stuff totally knocked me on my ass at first but now I feel great and I'm ready to party. Excuse me." She turns up the jukebox and drags a couple of creeps out onto the dance floor, "Yeehaw!"

Patch breaks it off. Kayla is positive he remembers something. Back for more. Patch pulls away. He insists he didn't remember anything, "This is wrong. I'm not the same person you used to know. You don't want me. You want Steve Johnson and he is dead."

Kayla insists that isn't true. Patch tells her to do herself a favor and steer clear of him, "I'm not giving you a choice. I'm sorry. This just isn't going to work." Patch walks out. Kayla solves the problem by smashing a glass.

Stephanie asks why the brat would do something like that. Max says, "She obviously hates him so much she would do anything. Not only that, they think she is responsible for the embryo switch."

"If that's true," says Stephanie, "she is beyond sick. Evil. She's lost it. She needs a lot of help."

"It's like I told your mom. That's not my problem any more," says Max, "She has to do it herself. Enough of that..."

Stephanie says she is there because she thought he would need a friend after the news conference. Max says he needs something different – a girl who doesn't play games, "Or maybe for science to discover a way to achieve cold fusion. They're both about as likely."

The gang-dance continues. EJ breaks in. "Who are you," says one of the creeps, "Her grandfather?"

"Don't fight over me," squeals the little junkie, "There is enough of me to go around. I'll hook up with you two later, I promise." She turns and plants one on EJ.

Max stares at the brat's picture. Stephanie brings chili cheese fries. She tells Max Kayla wants her to give up racing. She'd trade it all for just one day with her dad as a kid. She's happy he's back in her life and her mom's life, "If any two people were meant to be together, it's them."

Patch plays the One Eye No Brain Blues on his harmonica. Billie the filly sashays up, "Wow, you're really good."

Patch says, "I can't remember anything about my past but I play this harmonica like I've been doing it all my life." Billie says she is just out there to take a walk and get some fresh air. She says she was just with Stephanie, "Touchy subject?"

"Just a little complicated," says Patch.

"Why?" He gives her the one-eye stare.

The little looped snot says, "Don't tell me you didn't like that."

"Why aren't you with Max," asks EJ.

"Because he broke up with me," she says, "But I say why waste your time on a relationship that's not going anywhere."

"I've heard him talk about how much he cares for you," says EJ.

"That was before," she slurs, "Everyone thinks I am the psycho who has been stalking Shawn and I am responsible for every bad thing that happens, including Will being kidnapped."

"I doubt that," says EJ, "I know for a fact you are not the one terrorizing your family."

"Then you know more than everyone else," says the brat, "Why is that?"

He hauls her over and sits her down. "For one thing I was with you at the wedding when Sami received her first threatening phone call."

The little tripper gasps, "Sami received a threatening phone call at her wedding? OH! That's why she left Austin at the altar!"

"Yes," says EJ, "It is." He thinks she looks cold so he removes his jacket and gives it to her."

"You know what... it's like FREEZING in here," says she says.

Stephanie says Max reminds her of her dad, "Maybe that's why I like you so much." Kayla interrupts. She was looking for Patch. They haven't seen him. Stephanie asks if something is wrong. Kayla hopes not.

Patch tells Billie he has been flying solo for so long he needs to keep it that way. Billie asks about Kayla. She thought they were working things out. He says it's not working. Billie is sorry. Kind of.

Patch says, "I just can't give her what she needs, a guy who likes raw fish. I've got too much going on to be tied down." Billie asks what kind of things he has going on. "For one thing," says Patch, "I have to kick your butt at darts."

"I am good at other things besides darts."

EJ drags the brat out. He says the drug has had a bad effect on her. She promises she will never take it again, "Everything is spinning." He asks her to call Max and work thinks out.

"Max who?"

Kayla says things were going well and then he just bolted. She doesn’t know what happened. Stephanie thinks maybe he needed time to himself. Kayla decides to go look again. She wants to make this right.

Patch asks, "So what else are you good at?"

"Well, there's target shooting," says Billie, "Pinball. Parcheesi."

"Is that all?"

"Picking unavailable men," she says, "So like you, I'm flying solo. No complications."

"You've sworn off all men," he asks.

"No," says Billie, "I'm all about romance. Love is in the moment." Hot kiss.

"Sounds like we think alike," says Patch.

"Sounds like we do," says Billie. Kiss. Sam spade music plays.


Patrick asks, "You all right?" Hope says, "Yeah, I'm fine." Kiss.

Bo says, "He loves you. Eventually he'll remember that." Kayla asks, "What if he doesn't?"

Billie asks, "What do you say we go somewhere so we can get to know each other a little better?" Patch says, "Just lead the way." Billie leads. Patch follows.


Anonymous applecheeks said...

Did a spit-take on Shawn's DNA matching Zippy's. Also got a good laugh out of Prevuze explanation of what Ecstacy does. HAHAHAHA

Bulldog - I'm glad you pointed out the sleeve-down-to-the-fingertips obsession the wardrobe department has. It's a fashion pet peeve of mine. The gals on this show have been wearing tops/sweaters like this for years and I hate it!

7:20 AM  
Anonymous kotu said...

Chelsea? Off the deep end? It's more like she trolls the shallows of humanity, trying to find some.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Bulldog said...

I'm still laughing over that fish! It looks like something that would come out of the Salem River alright.

And Jr.'s DNA match and the John Black Emporium, too! HAHAHAHAHHA

That's true about Max coming back from the stupid for dumping the brat. I wish EJ would just leave her down on the docks.

Excellent Prevuze to start out the week. :D

7:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do the writers need to find a reason to make everyone hate Patch and Billie? Sure let Patch be a jerk, sleep with everyone in Salem and out of it - then find his true love. Sad.

7:51 AM  
Blogger FROG said...

Regarding what Bulldog said, maybe Prevuze has discovered the reason why the Salemites act the way they do - - there's a mercury plant somewhere upstream.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

Prevuze is receiving emails regarding a remark in today's episode and we wish to take this opportunity to apologize to chimps everywhere.

8:24 AM  

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