Saturday, September 11, 2010

The G-Word

Let us contemplate the sins of Salem. Let's forget the dastardly deeds of the past and just concentrate on what's going on right now. Translation: "Let the past stay in the past."

Among other things we have:

• Vivian Alamain planning to entomb Maggie Horton because Maggie might have fluttered her eyes at Victor.

• Hope Brady in the slammer for attempting to Bo-beque her husband and mugging half the guys in town.

• Bo Brady, still married, romping around with his ho-du-jour Carly Manning.

• The two organized crime kingpins in town ready to go to war against each other.

• Carly helping Clhoe hide the fact that she accidentally romped around with Phillip and is now having his baby, while Daniel thinks he is the prospective daddy.

• Brady Black falling off the wagon and becoming the town drunk.

• Stephanie breaking into hospital computer systems.

• Nicole Walker trying to stay alive after blackmailing EJ.

• Rafe Hernandez wishing EJ would just die.

• Probably a few things I've forgotten.

• And the mother of all the current dastardly deeds (besides EJ's haircut):

• EJ kidnapped his own kid and made everyone think she was dead.

• Sami punished EJ for that by bustin' a cap into his head and redecorating the bedroom with his brain matter.

That's some heavy-duty stuff. And I didn't even mention the fact the married couples aren't sleeping together while the rest of the town is. Kinda. Word on the street is God is desperately searching for an 11th commandment so there will be at least one they haven't broken in Salem.

But none of this... none of it compares to the sin of mentioning the G-word to a Days Of Our Lives viewer. Unless of course, it's the sin of mentioning a soap opera to someone who plays G-word.

So, as you may recall, last Monday the Deutsche Bank (Douchebag) G-word Tournament preempted DOOL. Well, the outrage was, to say the least, incredible. And then, since there was no broadcast, I announced I would post things about the G-word tournament instead of my usual daily show posts. Not that the announcement wasn't received very well, but that ride out of town on a rail covered in tar and feathers was very uncomfortable.

Then I made the mistake of telling a G-word-er what I had done. He immediately wanted to see the posts, so I prepared them for him, but felt I had to explain a few things about the show or he wouldn't get it. So what follows, in case you missed them, are my posts about the G-word tournament along with my explanation of things to a G-word-er who has never seen the show:

"Since there was no show today & knowing what great G-word fans my readers are, I'll be posting from the G-word tournament."

That right there is where the trouble started. I began getting protesting emails, tweets and the most disgraceful thing of all, "Dislike" comments on Facebook.

"Victor has hired Brady to carry his bag. Vivian is protesting saying she doesn't like to be carried."

Victor Kiriakis, Greek shipping tycoon and honcho with ties to the Greek Mafia (not that there are any ethnic stereotypes on DOOL) is in a marriage of convenience to the evil, yet mildly amusing Vivian Alamain. DOOL, by the way, is an abbreviation for "Days Of Our Lives."

"They wanted to stream this tournament on the Internet, but were afraid of what Phil and Melanie would do in front of the cameras."

Phillip Kiriakis, Victor's son, and Melanie Layton who's real father is Dr. Daniel "The Groper" Jonas got together for a romp that was broadcast on the Internet before they were married. More on Daniel and Phillip later.

"Stefano DiMera has been disqualified for using brass balls."

Stefano is the meanie on the show, a rich, powerful and bombastic cuddly old monster with ties to the Italian Mafia (not that there are any ethnic stereotypes on DOOL). Stefano and Victor often cross swords.

G-word isn't just a sport. It's a way of pretending you're getting exercise.

"In an unprecedented act of compassion, Dr. Jonas has offered to give each beer girl a private exam."

Dr. Daniel "The Groper" Jonas has exhibited some unethical behavior with some of this female patients including his current fiancée, Clhoe Lane.

"Ernie Els' two-foot put just went down as effortlessly as Nicole Walker in an elevator."

Nicole and EJ DiMera (Stefano's son) got trapped in an elevator and decided to pass the time by doing the nasty. Coincidentally, Clhoe and Lucas Roberts were in the elevator next to them at the same time doing the same thing. Both encounters ended in marriage, and subsequently divorce. The scenario did, however, give a real shot in the arm to Aerosmith's song, "Love In An Elevator."

"I'm thrilled to be around so many environmentalists who love birdies and eagles." -Chloe Lane

Birdies and Eagles have bigger brains than Clhoe.

"Tiger Woods' ball lands behind a tree. He asks Sami to help since she's good at getting out of bad lies."

Sami Brady... If her lips are moving, she's lying.

"Phil Mickelson swings so hard his club breaks. Rafe gets the head, EJ gets the shaft."

Sami jilted EJ at the altar when she found out EJ had kidnapped their daughter. She immediately ran and jumped into bed with Rafe, crack federal agent who can't quite learn how to spell "FBI."

"The CLUB HEAD you pervs... the CLUB HEAD."

I got a few perverted comments about that previous statement and had to clarify.

"Davis Love III pulls a Hope Brady. Aims at the hole but hits Kayla Johnson instead."

Hope Brady, currently in prison for several muggings and attempting to douse her husband Bo with gasoline and flam-Bo him, is a Salem cop who couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. Once firing at a guy taking a hostage, she hit the hostage (Kayla, her sister-in-law) instead.

"We interrupt the G-word match for a word from the MDA telethon. Alison Sweeney looks a whole lot better than Tony Orlando."

The G-word match was opposite the MDA telethon. Alison Sweeney plays the wacked out Sami Brady on DOOL. No word on how Jerry Lewis looked. I couldn’t hack the telethon long enough to see him.

"That last post wasn't meant to be an insult to Tony Orlando. He would be the first to agree with it."

Self explanatory.

Tiger Woods, on being selected for the US G-word Ryder cup team: "I'm a free man now. If she's willing, I can Ryder."

"EJ hits a perfect shot right into the middle of the fairway. EJ DiMera, ladies and gentlemen. A great lay. LIE! I mean LIE!"

EJ DiMera is played by James Scott and is considered by some, mostly female, to be the Adonis of the soap world.

"A player walks by. Daniel isn't sure he recognizes him. He turns to Chloe, "Singh?" Chloe says she's promised not to."

I got messages from non G-word-ers who didn't get that one. G-word-ers do get it if they know Clhoe is an opera singer.

"Daniel Jonas has been arrested for misinterpreting what it meant when he was asked to join a threesome."

Dr. Daniel "The Groper" Jonas is the horndog's horndog.

"Tiger hits his ball into the woods, goes in to retrieve it and shockingly finds Mickey Horton alive and well."

Mickey was an attorney on the show who recently went to the big Soap Opera In The Sky. When he was on the show, no one ever saw him.

"Tournament leader Charley Hoffman hits his ball into the center of the fairway. Bo and Roman still can't find it."

Bo and Roman Brady are brothers. Bo is the Police Commissioner and Roman is the assistant Commish. Working together, they couldn't find their butts with all four hands.

"Phillip Kiriakis has been disqualified for using his artificial limb as a driver."

Phillip has no original body parts left. He lost a leg in "the war," has had a face transplant and smeared most of his brain across the pavement on the Salem raceway. In spite of the loss of his leg, he has no limp and apparently leaves his tungsten appendage on while having sex. Even while making Internet porn with Melanie.

"Ciara, Johnny and Allie amuse themselves by playing with the alligators down in the water hazard."

Ciara is Bo and Hope's kid. Johnny and Allie are Sami's. People in Salem never watch their kids, so playing with alligators is normal behavior. Sami is a paragon of virtue. Johnny and Allie are twins, but EJ is Johnny's father and Lucas Roberts is Allie's father. You do the math.

"Sami Brady hits a ball into the lake. Rafe vows to find it and bring it back to her."

Crack FBI agent Rafe Hernandez kept vowing to find Sami's baby (Sydney) when EJ had kidnapped her. EJ, of course, brought Sydney back to Sami and won Sami's affections. Sami found out what EJ had done in the middle of their wedding ceremony and shot him. EJ is currently comatose, as is anyone who watches this show long enough.

"Bad news gang... The clubhouse dining room served pub chowdah for lunch. Everyone's sick and the tournament is canceled."

The Brady pub is known for three things... chowdah (chowder), roadkill and ptomaine.

"Prevuze... Best G-word blog on the Internet.®"

Have a great weekend, readers. Play a little G-word if you can.

NOTE – you can now follow Prevuze on twitter at:

Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews, which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE


Anonymous angelsoceress said...

Prevuze Day at the Links: Priceless!
::Warning:: today's edition of Prevuze contains gratuitous snark and merciless humor and may cause coffee (or other early morning beverage if your choice) to shoot out of your nose. Sip with caution.

7:01 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

Loved reading the explanations and trying to look at the show thru the eyes of someone who's never seen it. (Especially the part about Phillip. That really got me going.)

I'm curious - what did the G-worder-non-DOOL- watcher think of it? Did they decide they must become a member of the DOOL watching community immediately?

If not they should at least read Prevuze. Even if they don't know the characters I'd think they'd still get a hoot out of it. :D

Thanks for the Saturday grins and happy weekend Prevuze and readers! (And hope you have great weather, especially if you are a G-word-er.)

8:03 AM  
Anonymous WingNut '75 said...

Have a great weekend, readers. Play a little G-word if you can.

I had every intention of so doing...but it is R-wording. Thanks for the early morning pick-me-up, though! You ROCK Prevuze!

8:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At my house the g-word is Galen.

A proud Ejami

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Betyar said...

Hilarious Post Prevuze! Where do you find the energy? I drink all sorts of caffeinated beverages, but can't muster half the umph you guys display in the mornings at the compound!

Loved the Tiger W. quote "I'm a free man now. If she's willing, I can Ryder.", lol!!! Isn't that the truth! although, it never stopped him when he WAS married!

Dr. Daniel "The Groper" Jonas is the horndog's horndog...and heaven rewarded him with Chloe Lane, the easiest woman to ____ (so many choices to fill in the blank) on DOOL!

Have a great week-end everyone!

10:10 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

I'm curious - what did the G-worder-non-DOOL- watcher think of it?

Haven't heard back from him. He may be in shock. I forgot to tell him to "embrace the lunacy®"

Where do you find the energy? I drink all sorts of caffeinated beverages, but can't muster half the umph you guys display in the mornings at the compound!

It all comes crashing down at about 2PM.

it never stopped him when he WAS married!

Elin noticed that. Which is why he isn't married now.

10:51 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

Even though I loved the tweets as they were happening on that g-word pre-empted day, I appreciated a repeat along with explanations even more this morning.

Especially since I totally mis-interpreted the original tweet about Singh and Chloe.

Not being a g-worder enthusiast, I thought the name was pronounced "sin". Since that fit the tweet as well, I was happy.

Speaking of happy - everyone have a happy weekend#

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Stacie said...

"I'm a free man now. If she's willing, I can Ryder."


5:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its raining & huz who plays g-word is now watching g-word. I guess I am a g-word widow.

11:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clhoe Lane

So true. LOL! Or maybe I should say HO-HO-HO.

3:25 PM  
Anonymous ovighti said...

Once again, you have outdone yourself, Prevuze. Bravo, Bravo!

EJ DiMera is played by James Scott and is considered by some, mostly female, to be the Adonis of the soap world. Actually, he has won the Adonis award four years in a row - now that's better than an Emmy!

3:55 AM  

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