More Holes Than The Grand Canyon
"Wow," says Stephanie, "I guess we really are at the bottom of the barrel. " They bicker about who loves Steve and how to handle him and how he needs to straighten up and fly right and all that well-worn jazz.
Stephanie thinks Kayla doesn't get it, "What if you're wrong about Papa? What if he really is crazy, and you're just too afraid to admit it?"
Nick meets Willow in jail. She brings him up to date on her charges, "Hope is blackmailing me. Hope and Bo are trying to steal my baby."
Sami rests in her hospital bed. She wakes up and sees Lucas there. Lucas asks if she is hungry. Heck yes. She's hungry enough to eat the dead horse they keep beating on this show. She decides wants a triple-decker turkey club, but changes her mind and just orders fruit and cheese because it's better for the baby. Besides, Lucas is there and one turkey in the room is enough. Lucas will go for it and set up a picnic area in the room when he returns. He leaves. Sami closes her eyes and lays back. EJ sneaks into the room wearing scrubs and a mask. He checks out his hypodermic needle.
Stephanie plugs her iPod into her ears so she can avoid the little dust-up she and Kayla are about to have. Kayla wants to know what she is doing. She tells her she's listening to music while they are waiting, "I didn't sign up for this kind of abuse." Kayla snatches the iPod and slings it, "If we don't help him we could lose him."
"News flash," says Stephanie, "We already did."
"We can make a miracle happen together as a family," says Kayla.
Stephanie whines and stomps and holds her breath, "I refuse to put my life into park and wait for him to get better. If you are smart, that's what you will do, too." Looks like there is more than one brat in the Brady family.
Nick wonders if Hope's offer isn't Willow's best option. She reminds him the hairbrush, which she doesn't have is her best option. She wants a second chance to start over. She's used to people walking out on her, though, and won't be surprised if Nick does that, "But you can tell your cousin Hope I will never turn my back on this baby."
Sami is woozy. She thinks it's Lucas standing there, "Back so soon?" EJ covers her mouth, "What? Don't you recognize me without the smell of gasoline to tickle your pretty little nose?" Sami freaks. EJ tells her he will let go, if she promises not to scream so they can discuss this like adults.
Sami agrees. EJ removes his hand and Sami goes into full panic-mode. She says it was all Celeste's idea. She swears she didn't set the cabin on fire. She says she couldn't do it because of their kiss.
"You have all the sincerity of a greeting card," says EJ, "Let's say I believe you. If what you say is true, it's open season on all the innocents in the world."
"We are hardly innocents," says Sami, "Believe me, I am so bored with Lucas I can hardly look him in the eye. The truth is I do want you and no matter what happened I know you still want me." She takes his hand. EJ gives that thousand-yard stare.
"The baby knows my voice already," says Willow.
A voice from the womb says, "Yeah, and I'm already tired of it."
She tells Nick love changes people. She saw what it did for him. He fell in love with Chelsea and turned from Boy Scout to thief. Willow thinks she is cornered and Nick put her there, "Are you man enough to get me out?"
The insanity that is Kayla and Stephanie continues. Kayla says, "He is living at rock bottom."
"He isn't the only one," says Stephanie, "You have to let go."
"You think sometimes I don't want to run," asks Kayla. But she reminds her of those pesky little wedding vows, "We promised to stick together for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, terrible plots and inane dialogue. Someday you will need him and regret you didn't see this through."
The screeching sound you hear is Stephanie doing the quickest one-eighty in sap-opera history. It's all better now. She will stick it out a little longer. OMG, what a trooper! She's sorry for the attitude. Kayla is sorry for the guilt. The love just oozes from the couch they are sitting on. If things were any better Kayla might even offer to buy her a new iPod.
Roman arrives, with donuts. Double chocolate. Stephanie immediately scarfs one down.
Sami says she didn't want EJ to die. But EJ noticed she walked away from him. Sami does what any loyal friend would do and blames it all on Celeste. She tells him Lucas will be back soon and promises to call him the minute they let her out of the hospital. EJ doesn't buy that. He wants her to lie there quietly like a good little girl and know how it felt when his death was at hand. He pulls out his handy dandy hypodermic needle and holds it in front of her face. Sami asks, "What's that?"
EJ says, "This is the final act in our little play." Sami trembles.
Roman says he talked to the judge about Patch and he won't budge. Kayla thinks they have to get creative to get Steve out. She wants to break him out of there somehow.
"No," says Roman, "Bo and I can't do that." Kayla says she can. Roman resists. Stephanie volunteers to jump in and help.
Nick doesn't appreciate Willow's tone. He denies he ever said he stole the brush. Willow says Nick is all she has, "Who else do I have? Big Betty the bitch-ho in the cell who thinks I look cute in orange?"
Nick changes the subject and tells her he and Chelsea broke up, "I had a bratectomy."
Sami begs. She tells EJ he doesn't want to kill their baby. EJ says he would have given her more than she could have imagined, "All you get from me now is the afterlife." He jams the needle into her IV, "You have two minutes to enjoy the rest of your time on earth. Perhaps we should change the name of the show to "Seconds Of Our Lives. " Sami grabs the tubes attached to her arms and yanks for dear life.
"Ironic," says EJ, "You left me to burn, and now you will spend eternity burning in hell." EJ leaves. Sami screams like there is no tomorrow. Perhaps there isn't.
Kayla vetoes Stephanie's offer to volunteer. Roman backs her up. The screeching sound you hear is Stephanie doing another one-eighty. The bed of roses we were just laying in has turned to thorns. Stephanie throws a fit, "Let me know when I am part of this family!" She storms out.
Roman turns to Kayla, "It's either a sugar high from the donut or she forgot to take her meds again." Roman and Kayla discuss the little head case. Roman thinks someone on the inside makes sense. They try to figure out who could go in but not be recognized. Roman runs thorough the short-list, "Jack can't get back in time. There's Max. He's strong and really smart, but I don't think they would allow a dog inside a mental hospital."
Kayla suggests Adrienne. Roman wonders if she would be willing to do it. Kayla says there is only one way to find out. She picks up her phone and makes the call.
Willow says she is sorry Chelsea dumped Nick. She thinks Chelsea is crazy to give him up. Willow finally decides to get to the point, "How badly do you want to know why I asked you here?"
Sami screams like a banshee and half of the staff of Salem Hospital rushes into her room. Lucas follows. Sami is totally unhinged, "I HAVE BEEN POISONED! GET THESE TUBES OUT OF MY ARM! HE WAS HERE! HE POISONED ME!" Dr. Lucas directs the medical staff. He tells them to pull the tubes. He wonders if Sami didn't dream this, though. Sami keeps it up, "HE WAS HERE! HE POISONED ME! I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!" Since she's about to die, Sami decides she'd better leave some final thoughts, "Lucas, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Tell Will I love him. And I guess you don't have to tape Dancing with the Stars for me tonight."
The nurse removes Sami's tube. "OMG," says Sami, "The room is spinning! I'm dying!"
Lucas says the Sami's monitors are fine. Sami thinks she only has a couple seconds left, "I love you Lucas. I thought it was going to be different this time. But your mom is right about me. I ruined everything. After I am gone please know I loved you all the time." She blacks out.
Lucas screams, "SAMI!"
Willow asks Nick to post her bail. Nick says he doesn't have that kind of money. She begs. He claims he isn't a hero. "You're my hero," says Willow.
"Sorry," says Nick, "But I already have a full time job."
"When heroes make a mistake they do everything they can to make it right," says Willow.
Sami stands at the gates of hell, ready to cross the river Styx for eternity. At the last second, she remembers she hasn't seen today's episode of DOOL, so she can't die just yet. She opens her eyes in the hospital room and asks, "I'm not dead?" The staff and Lucas assure her she is alive and well. "Maybe this just means EJ's poison will take longer to kick in," says Sami.
Lucas thinks it was a nightmare. Sami insists it wasn't. Lucas tells her no one was in her room. Sami wonders why he doesn't believe her.
Lucas blames it on her pregnancy and hormones. Sami insists she knows shat she saw. It was EJ. Lucas thinks the important thing is she is OK. Sami wonders why EJ would come in and make her think he was trying to kill her, "I'm sorry my attempted murder is giving you a brain cramp." Lucas wants to know what she did to make EJ want to kill her.
Kayla tells Roman Adrienne is on her way. "I think we need a backup plan," says Roman.
"Don't you need a plan before you can have a backup plan," asks Kayla. "Maybe I can lean on the judge again," says Roman, "That worked so well the first time."
All of Roman's planning is interrupted by Bonienne showing up at the door, "Tell me what I can do to help."
Nick says Bo and Hope are his family. He's in a tough spot. "Wanna trade places," asks Willow. Nick says she has to find someone else to help her. "Oh, I know," says Willow, "I'll call Shawn, wherever he is and have him float me some early child support. I almost got through to you, Nicky. I know it."
That screeching sound you hear... Nick says, "Listen, I gotta check to see how much money I have. If I have enough, how would I make the arrangements?"
Willow says, "Call the court and ask for Tim Norris. He'll know how to handle bail. I owe you big time. I will not forget this. I don't know how I can thank you."
"I do," says Nick.
Kayla brings Adrienne up to date on Patch's situation. They tell her about Kayla's plan to break in and the fact that EJ is involved. They let her know Steve has had shock therapy. Kayla tells her she could be putting her life on the line.
Lucas presses. Sami tells him he is right – It must have been a dream. Lucas is skeptical, "Let's say I buy that..."
"I'm telling you," snorts Sami, "You convinced me."
"You're trying hard not to talk about EJ," says Lucas, "I'm trying to piece things together – all this stuff about you and me and EJ." Sami tells him there is no such thing as her and him and EJ. EJ isn't a part of their lives. Lucas wonders why every time he brings up EJ she changes the subject, "Your stories have more holes than the Grand Canyon. Do you love me? I love you and I don't want to grill you like this. I wanna trust you. Tell me what's really going on. Tell me the truth right now."
Nick has one condition, "Keep this between us. I can't have my family finding out."
"Your family or Chelsea," asks Willow, "OK. I can keep a secret." She kisses her fingers and holds them up to the glass, "This is the best I can do... for now."
Adrienne asks, "What do I do to get arrested and put into the hospital for the criminally insane.
"Just act normally and let things take their course," says Roman, "You will be wired. You need to act fast once you are in there. I'll have people prepared the second you are ready to go. This could be dangerous. If you don't wanna do it we will understand."
Adrienne thinks there are no options, "I'll do whatever it takes to get my brother out of that place."
Lucas doesn’t think Sami is being honest. She thinks that means he is calling her a liar. Lucas doesn't want to play word games. Sami insists she was just scared and now he is letting EJ make him doubt her. They go around in circles. Sami wants the wedding. Lucas has memorized the vows, "It took me forever, but I can now say 'I do' without looking at my notes. The vows are based on love and honesty. That's sacred, so tell me what is going on. I'll understand. I won't get mad. Don't be afraid of the truth."
EJ comes into the room with flowers. He's glad Sami's doing better. Lucas tells him to get out. EJ says, "This is Samantha's room. If she wants me to leave I will leave. What about it, Samantha?" Sami contemplates. FF.
Abby says to Chelsea, "Nick is gonna turn that hairbrush in. He's gonna tell the police the whole story and your sorry butt is gonna go to jail."
Celeste gasps, "Oh, dear God!" Kate comes out of hiding, "That's right. I discovered Sami's dirty little secret, dahling. See you at the wedding!"
Sami says, "EJ, I can't take this any more. If you're going to kill me just do it and get it over with."
Max the dog walks down the street and sniffs at every fire hydrant in his path. Max the race driver walks down the street and likewise checks out every woman in his path.