Thursday, March 08, 2007

Assume The Position

Billie is in the garage pacing. She calls and leaves a message for the brat. Abby walks in. Neither of them can find Chelsea. Billie is frantic about what Chelsea will do if she finds out she and Nick slept together.

The brat sleeps. Nick knocks at the door and wakes her. She answers and tells him she was dreaming about him. She starts to kiss him, but Nick stops her, "There is something I have to tell you and it's bad. Really bad. DOOL has been renewed for another season."

Sami wants to know how Celeste knew where to find her. She drew the "Sami's in the church endlessly ranting" card. Sami wants to know what else the cards said. "EJ wants your child," says Celeste.

Kayla storms in to see EJ. She wants to know what he has done to Steve.

Steve writhes, wiggles and fights. The straight jacket wins. Dr. Kraft watches the show. Orderly Joe comes in and tells Dr. Kraft he will be back if there is trouble. He leaves and Dr. Kraft introduces herself to Patch. Patch rages. He claims he's in the wrong place. He gives name, rank and serial number. "Let's start over. I'm Ella Kraft," says the doctor, "And you are..."

"Unable to shake your hand," snorts Steve.

Sami says Celeste is right. She doesn't know who the father is. She says EJ ordered her to have an amnio, but she isn't sure what she will do. She wonders why EJ is doing this to her. Celeste tells her this is all about power. EJ is trying to secure the family empire for the next generation. "OMG," gasps Sami, "You mean they have to watch this junk, too? "

Celeste says, "Stefano was obsessed with your mother and now his son has chosen you."

Patch taunts Dr. Kraft. She refuses to buy his bull. "Pretty good," smirks Steve, "Tough love." He wants to know what she would do if she were thrown in this snake pit. She reminds him what he is charged with – many crimes including the kidneyapping of John Black. He claims he saved John's life. Dr. Kraft thinks John might have been a better vegetable with the kidney. Patch swears he would never hurt John. Dr. Kraft wants to know why he did it. If Patch explains she will release him today. Patch doesn't know.

Billie babbles and bounces around the garage like one of those wrenches Max throws whenever he gets mad. She has to go find Nick. Billie leaves. Abby rolls her eyes.

The brat is confused about why Nick is there. She was dreaming about his kisses. She knows she told him they needed to take things slow, but that was her head talking. Her heart has other plans. She claims she isn't playing games with him. She tells him he looks like he just lost his best friend. "I think I'm about to," says Nick. He brings up the virgin thing.

"I knew it," squeals the brat, "You really are a virgin!"

Dr. Kraft is there to find out why Patch is acting the way he is.

"It's not the acting," says Patch, "It's the bad script. I thought the cure was going to be when I got my memory back, but that's when everything went to hell. I'm not crazy."

Coulda fooled Dr. Kraft. "OK," he admits, "I'm insane. Just leave me the hell alone."

"No one is judging you Mr. Johnson," says Dr. Kraft, "Except maybe the judge. He gave you the benefit of the doubt. And so did Kayla." Patch don' wanna talk about Kayla.

"Why," asks the doctor.

Kayla claims Steve is in the institution because of what EJ did. EJ says he never set eyes on either Steve or Kayla before he came to Salem.

Celeste reminds Sami of Tony courting her, "Tony's biggest problem was that he never produced a male heir. Well, that, and being eaten by a tiger. Stefano chose EJ and cut Alexandra out of his life. The DiMeras will stop at nothing to protect the legacy. Stefano took Elvis away from his mother to ensure a strong leader. Now he wants to secure the next generation with your son."

The brat understands. She comes clean and tells Nick she is a virgin, too. She thinks it will be special for them to share the first time. Nick tells her he wasn't lying about having had sex. "It wasn't just a woman," he stammers, "She was a... woman."

"They usually are, Nick."

Nick searches for words, "I mean... she was... older... not just older..."

Chelsea gasps, "OMG!"

Sami says, "EJ wanted a bad seed and figured my kid would be halfway there. I wish I would have told Lucas, but I just can't. I have to make everybody miserable and drag it out until the end of time."

Celeste tells her Lucas ditching her at the altar again is the least of her worries, "If you are carrying the DiMera spawn, it is your child, and you must love him as much as I love Alexandra. You want my help. But that's a lot to ask, given what you did to her."

Patch rants. He doesn't want to talk about Kayla because it's over. Mighty Joe Young hears the commotion. He sticks his head in the door, curls his lip and asks if everything is OK. Dr. Kraft tells him everything is under control, gives him a banana and has him leave.

Dr. Kraft tells Patch the answers are all accessible, "You got your memory back. Enlighten me."

Patch says he knows about her racket, "You ask a question. I can't answer. You make a suggestion, and I say what I think. You suggest it's wrong and tell me I need more shrink. Pay at the desk."

Dr. Kraft gets a call, "Have her leave a message." She clips her cell phone back onto her belt. Patch stares at the phone like a hungry dog looking at a T-bone with all the trimmings.

Abby works on a car. She hops into the trunk and bangs around. Max arrives. He sneaks over to her and pretends to close the trunk. Abby kicks him in the groin and shoves him across the room. He tells her she's the best employee he ever had.

"That's not saying much," says Abby. Meeeeooooowwwww.

Max doesn't even pay her. So she may be the best employee he's ever had, but she's obviously not the brightest. He doesn't know how she does it. He doesn't know what he would do without her. She asks about Mimi. Max says he hasn't talked to her, but he did talk to Connor, "He said Mimi is just walking around in a fog."

"Thank heaven things are back to normal for her," says Abby. Max feels like this is all his fault.

Sami wants to know if Celeste doesn't want to help her what she is doing there. Celeste says she never said she doesn't want to help her. As much as she dislikes her, her hatred for the DiMeras is much deeper. "You are impulsive reckless and cruel, but I reserve 'evil' for the DiMeras. I reserve 'stupid' for the Bradys."

Sami will do whatever it takes to help her child, "So tell me, what do I do?"

"That depends on how far you are willing to go."

Kayla says EJ will never succeed in taking Steve away from her. Steve may have tried to kill her, but hey, you have to forgive the little things. Besides, that was EJ's brainwashing that caused him to do that. Kayla is going to find out why EJ took John's kidney.

Patch says he will be a good boy if Dr. Kraft gives him what he wants. And what he wants is out, "What will it take?"

"You have to get well first," says Dr. Kraft, "You have to explore the reasons for your actions. The judge will want to see remorse for the people you hurt. I will be the one to recommend when or if you get out."

Patch knew Kraft was a cheesy doctor, "So It's your butt I have to kiss. Assume the position."

Dr. Kraft makes notes, "A sense of humor is good."

"Who says I was kidding," asks Patch.

Dr. Kraft makes note of that disgusting, insubordinate sassy remark in Steve's chart, "That will go in your permanent record! "

Patch laughs, "OK, I was kidding. If you think you can help, I will try. It would be better if I weren't trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey."

Dr. Kraft says, "I will let you out of this straight jacket under one condition – you have to be medicated."

Patch says, "No freakin' way."


Dr. Kraft says she just means a mild sedative, "It's either that or the straight jacket." Patch chooses the sedative. She dumps it in his mouth.

"Yummy," says Patch.

"Open your mouth so I can see if you swallowed the pill," orders Dr. Kraft. Patch opens wide and Dr. Kraft looks the gift horse in the mouth. She gets closer and peers into the cavern. Patch gives her a smooch on the nose.

Max thinks if it wouldn't have been for him, Mimi would never have had to know she is a mad dog killer. Abby says at least now she can get help and move on. Max still thinks he let her down, "When the going gets tough, Max Brady gets going."

The brat is stunned. "You know," says Nick, "OMG."

"She was married," says Chelsea, "You had an affair with a married guy's wife."

"No," says Nick, "She wasn't married." The brat says she doesn't care who she was. They just need to look at their future together. She wants to move on with him. Nick wants that too. Chelsea thinks she's starting to sound like Lonely Splicer. Hugs.

Billie practically splinters the door busting into the apartment, "Nick! You didn't!"

Max keeps it up. He's a heel. Abby wants the whole shoe. Max dives into a full-blown pity party. Abby tries to give him encouragement. Max realizes Mimi wanted to make the sorrowful parting easier on him, "She let me off the hook."

"Mimi had a horrible year," says Abby, "She lost her baby, her husband and a friend."

"That's just a normal year on DOOL," says Max.

"There isn't anything for her here except bad memories," says Abby, "I think you did each other a favor, not to mention the big favor you both did for me."

Sami decides to get the amnio. If it turns out to be EJ's baby, she'll find a doctor to fake the results.

"At least you can't get my daughter to lie this time," says Celeste, "EJ would see through a forgery. If it is EJ's baby, you have to stop thinking of short term answers for long term problems."

EJ wishes he could explain Steve's behavior. Kayla says Steve's father was a monster too. Steve is the kindest person she has ever met. He went against what he was born into. EJ could do that, too. John Black cared for EJ when he was a kid. She wonders why EJ shot him. EJ denies shooting John. He thinks Kayla has been spending too much time with Steve, "His delusions are contagious. I would be careful, because accidents can happen to people with the best of intentions."

Dr. Kraft jerks backwards like little Johnny being kissed by Aunt Maude at the family reunion, "Don't touch the doctor!" She calls for Mighty Joe Young for assistance. Joe hops in, scraping his knuckles on the floor. Steve apologizes. Dr. Kraft orders Joe to remove the straight jacket and rewards him with a pat on the head and another banana. Joe leaves. Steve swoons. Dr. Kraft helps him onto the bed.

Chelsea asks, "What are you talking about?"

"You didn't tell her," asks Billie.

"Nick didn't tell me what," asks Chelsea.

Billie backpedals, "Nothing. I'm gonna leave you two alone."

"No, wait," says the brat, "What's going on?" She flashes back to walking in on them "O-M-G! It was you!"

"I know you don't want to talk about it," says Abby, "So let's talk about it." Max thanks her for her advice and wrench work. He wants her to help get the Bendix gear out of the engine. He asks her to hold the light. Max works. Abby smiles.

"It was your belt under the couch," gasps Chelsea, "He was your mystery lover!"

Billie grasps at straws, "It's not what you think! It's... what... you... think. It's not his fault. Let me explain."

Nick says, "I am sooooooooo, sooooooooo sorry." BRATSLAP!

Mighty Joe swings in on a vine. Dr. Kraft tells him Steve just lost his balance. They sit Steve down. Dr. Kraft tells him to get some rest. She'll see him tomorrow. Patch thanks her. Mighty Joe scoops up Dr. Kraft and swings out with her. Patch stares through he window in the door and dials the phone he has swiped from Dr. Kraft. EJ answers. Patch says, "I'm in hell and you have to get me out of here." EJ smiles.

Celeste says EJ will not be deterred by lies and fake reports. He chose Sami, "If it doesn't work now, he will try again." That's why Sami wanted to leave town. Celeste says, "You can't hide from EJ. Your only solution is to get rid of him once and for all."

Sami asks, "And how do I do that."

Celeste says, "You kill him." FF Sami.


Chelsea bawls, "What mother would do this to her own daughter?" Billie cries, "I made a mistake." Chelsea storms out of the room, "You're nothing to me."

EJ says, "You see, you don't seem to be able to handle your own wife. I need to take some matters into my own hands." Patch says, "If you touch one hair on her head I will kill you."

Celeste tells Sami, "In the name of my daughter we are going to rid the world of Stefano's heir."

Flash forward several decades. A city official stands at a podium and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Salem's new mayor, Ms. Doodlebug Brady!"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Unable to shake your hand," HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Steve's humor is really good in this episode.

4:44 AM  
Anonymous Holly Sarah said...

Stoidi, HA! That's hilarious..and it's the perfect name for it, lol!

5:45 AM  
Blogger Vampire Bear said...

Oh, Billie... being told you are nothing to your child happens so often in Salem you'd think they'd require it as part of the wedding vows. To have, to hold, and to bear children that will eventually disown you.

5:52 AM  
Anonymous applecheeks said...

Way, WAY too many good ones to mention in this episode. Stoidi started me laughing and I kept it up all the way through.

In addition to those mentioned I liked the "next generation has to watch this stuff too"; Sami's reasons for being creeped out at church, and Lucas's "L".

I must correct Prevuze, however, in the last flash-forward scenario. This is DOOL. We won't have to wait a couple of decades. If EJ can be SORASed 20 years in 3, then Mayor Doodlebug Brady should be appearing in just another 2 to 3 years or so. HAHAHAHAHA

6:39 AM  
Anonymous KOTU said...

That old show opener..."Through the sands of the hourglass..." is getting pretty tired. I believe Prevuze has come up with the perfect, new tagline....

"It's not the's the bad scripts for all the Days Of Our Lives."

You are amazing!!

6:42 AM  
Blogger Bulldog said...

I must belong on the island with Belch - it took me awhile to get that picture. :P

I loved reminiscing about Tony and the tiger. And great Prevuisms like Mayor Doodlebug and "Kraft is a cheesy doctor" - another one I had to do a rethink on. HAHAHAHAHA

Thanks for the laughs and waking up my brain this morning!

8:33 AM  
Anonymous Theresa said...

Chelsea storms out of the room, "You're nothing to me."

BO sticks his head and screams "HEY THAT'S MY LINE! I'll do the disowning around here...right Hope?"

10:34 AM  
Anonymous applecheeks said...

Whoa, Nelly! "Kraft the cheesy doctor."

I completely missed that one, Bulldog. HAHAHAHA

11:21 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

I must correct Prevuze, however, in the last flash-forward scenario. This is DOOL. We won't have to wait a couple of decades. If EJ can be SORASed 20 years in 3, then Mayor Doodlebug Brady should be appearing in just another 2 to 3 years or so.

Maybe she waits to run for mayor until she is 80. I can name a lot of cities where the mayor is a senile old bozo.

11:55 AM  

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