Saturday, March 31, 2007

Tasty Tony And The Tiger

We had a couple of quips about tasty Tony and the tiger this week, which brought to memory this golden oldie from January of 2004. Just posting this one for fun...


Have a nice weekend, gang.

Friday, March 30, 2007

A Flock Of Angry Chickens

Abby 2.0 cackles on the phone and Oooooo, Gwen Stefani is staying at the same hotel! I might just wet myself. She is interrupted by a knock at the door. Who else – The Jackster.

Kayla and Max chortle about pulling one over on Stefano. They drink to burying EJ Wells.

EJ is just stunned. He was absolutely certain the child was his. He tells Sami he has reached the point of his life where the money and fame mean nothing. Being a father is what has meaning, "It's amazing how one little piece of paper can change your life."

Phillip grills Gabby. Kate walks up to him and says, "Well, I can die a happy woman now that I've shared the back of a pickup truck with a flock of angry chickens."

Back in the pickup truck, Chicken Little says, "Well, I can die a happy chicken now that I've shared the back of a pickup truck with an angry whore."

Phillip continues to give Gabby the third degree as Shawn watches. He runs upstairs and tells Belle they have to get out now. "Phillip is here. He's interrogating Gabby right now and he's not leaving until he gets what he wants."

Belle is as frantic as a bipolar adult with the mentality of a child running away to a remote pacific island. Shawn insists Gabby will cover for them. Belle runs right off the deep end, "So it all depends on Gabby – someone we barely know. Our lives are in her hands, Shawn. Do you realize that?"


Gabby claims she hasn't seen Shawn and Belle. Phillip presses. Gabby asks if he is calling her a liar and insists she hasn't seen them. Kate needs a drink. No one seems to be responding to her highness, so she goes to get one herself. As she walks around the bar she finds a teething ring sitting there, "OK, NOW we're calling you a liar." Gabby stares.

It turns out Jack met a Gwen something-or-other in the elevator. He describes her and Abby has a cow. Jack whips out the autograph he had Gwen sign for Abby. Oh, he's just the best dad ever. Jack suggests a carriage ride in Central Park. Abby says she always wanted to do that, but with a guy. Jack checks himself out for guy clues. He tells her he talked to Aunt Maggie this week. "What about," asks Abby.

"Max Brady."

Max says this is the most fun he's had since Frankie left town. The Brady's are great and all but with Frankie gone, he feels lost. "I understand how you feel," says Kayla, "I'm there now."

EJ is crushed. His plans are ruined. Sami reminds him this isn't about his plans. It's her life and her baby, "You didn't succeed in planting the DiMera seed in me. It's over. Get over it."

EJ says, "I don't think you do understand. Because this isn't just my loss. This is your loss, too."

Nick beats around the bush as he tells Maggie a certain friend asked him to do a certain thing he could do but can't do. The town gossip senses a juicy story here and goes in for the kill.

Sami tells EJ this is great news to her. EJ says, "My father told me my brother Tony's only flaw was a weakness for the ladies, well, except for tasting exceptionally good to tigers. Anyway, I decided to avoid that flaw. And I did, until I met you."

Sami tells him it's over. She may have felt something for him once, but not now. He raped her. They did not have a passionate night of beautiful lovemaking. He forced her, but now it's over and she can get on with her life, "You forced me to put my life on hold while I waited for the results of this test. And now I know Lucas is the father of my child; which means we are done here and will never have a connection again for all the Days Of Our Lives."

Max says, "What you're telling me is the love of my life is – my brother. Actually I came on this trip because I wanted to be a part of something that was bigger than I am... and to... see... someone."

"Not just anyone. Someone special. Could it be... Abby Devereaux," asks Kayla.

Abby gets defensive, "SO! You've been talking to Aunt Maggie about my love life?"

Upon finding there is a love life, Jack has a minor stroke. Abby insists nothing is going on, "We're just having fun."

"Define fun," says Jack, "Listen, he's a lot more experienced than you. He's what, ten years older than you?"

"Six years," says Abby, "He was ten years older than me last week." Jack has a meltdown and warns her to stay away from Max Brady.

Kayla wonders where Mimi fits in with all this. "She's in Arizona and I'm here," says Max.

"So the coast is clear," says Kayla.

Max says he's been around the block a few times, but has never run into anything like this, I just think about Abby all the time... how sweet she is. She can even take apart a carburetor, which would have been a really useful skill if cars still had carburetors. When I'm around her, it feels like home."

Sami admits she and EJ may have had some kind of momentary chemistry, but when she found out who he was all she wanted to do was get him out of her life. EJ wonders where she would be if he had been out of his life – Lucas would be dead.

"Well he's not," says Sami, "That bargain we made on that mountain road never happened. That's all I want from you."

"That's it," asks EJ, "You've got it." He reaches out his hand to shake. Sami puts her hand out and he grabs her and reels her in, "The thing is, Samantha, you are probably the only woman who could have made me into the man I thought I was." He kisses her hand, backs off, turns and leaves.

Shawn says since Phillip seems to be able to find them no matter where they go, he may have to confront him. Belle wonders what she would do if Shawn doesn't come back. He tells her to go to Gabby's boat at the marina and wait. If he doesn't come back, she should go to Australia with Claire. Belle couldn't find her butt with both hands, but she might just be able to stumble onto something as big as a continent.

Gabby claims the teething ring belongs to the neighbor's kid. Phillip reminds her she said there were no kids around there. "New kids," says Gabby, "I thought that's what you meant."

Phillip gets nasty. He grabs her and twists her arm, "You'd better start talking, you hear me?"

Gabby squeals, "Fine! They're here, all right?" Kate enjoys the show.

Nick wonders what he should do. Maggie tells him, "Any friend who truly cares about you would never ask you to compromise your principles. Just remember that, OK?" Maggie walks off. Nick stares.

Max reminisces about all the relationships he has screwed up. Stephanie for one, "Abby is different. She's...," he chokes at the very thought of the word, "innocent... She collects teddy bears, and her collection is bigger than mine."

Kayla encourages him to go see her when the plane lands in New York, "You'll be surprised how far a little honesty will take you."

Abby tells Jack she is well aware of Max' past, but that's all it is... a past.

Jack asks, "Have you ever heard the saying, 'Those who don't learn from history are destined to wind up in a DOOL flashback? '" He tells her he and Jennifer are in agreement on this. They want her to enjoy her time at Salem U and not miss out on things because of some guy.

Abby promises, "Max will not interfere with my college education. Happy now?"


Now that things are resolved they decide to do something fun. Jack will meet her in the lobby. His parting shot is, "For the record, I do believe in you."

Gabby tells Phillip Belle and Shawn were there, but they left. Phillip runs off the rails, "Do I look like an idiot to you?"

"More like a world-class jerk."

Phillip grabs her, "For the last time, where are they?"

Belle refuses to split up, "Two heads are better than one. If you have a head in the first place." Shawn promises they won't split up, but says he has to go downstairs and check things out. "Promise you won't do anything..."

Shawn interrupts, "I know... stupid. In fact sutpid is all I know." Shawn heads downstairs.

Kayla encourages Max as he starts to lose his nerve. The pilot announces the plane will land in fifteen minutes. "So," says Kayla, "You have fifteen minutes to make a decision. Are you gonna stay on the plane with me, or go out and find that girl who may be the love of your life?"

"By gosh," says Max, "I'm gonna find the love of my life. I may look up Abby while I'm here in New York, too."

Celeste shows up at Sami's apartment. Sami tells her EJ bought the story. When she told him, at times he almost seemed desperate. "Desperate," asks Celeste, "Darling, I thought you knew what you were doing. Obviously, you don't even have a clue."

EJ gets a call at Chez Rouge. Kayla tells him she's just been to Europe and knows all about John's kidney, "Now that I've had my little Italian getaway, I have the proof I need to lock you up forever. Enjoy your evening." EJ yells for her to wait as she hangs up. He flings a wad-o-cash onto the table and runs out of the restaurant.

Phillip has a screaming Gabby in a half-nelson. Kate tells him to let go. Phillip doesn't listen so Kate storms over, pulls Gabby away from him and flings her across the room. That'll teach Phillip. Gabby picks up the pieces and tells Phillip Shawn and Belle left. Phillip doesn't believe her.

Gabby holds up Belle's ring, "Maybe you'll believe this. They left it here to take care of the bill."

"Man," says Phillip, "I guess they stayed in the Presidential Suite."

Abby walks into her room and gets a call. Max asks how things are going in New York. Abby tells him things are fabulous. Max asks if she caught the Yankee's home opener against the Salem Sluts. Abby said she didn't. Max says that's too bad considering it's such a nice day there in NY. Abby gets the idea he's in town and Max tells her about the trip with Kayla. She's disappointed he didn't stop by and see her. There is a knock at Abby's door. Max. Abby. Hugs. Joy.

Celeste thinks EJ played Sami like a violin. He enjoys stringing her along. Sami says it doesn't matter because the DNA report shows Lucas is the father. "If you believe that," says Celeste, "then you're more naïve than I thought. No, darling, it is not the end. It's only the beginning. Either you destroy him or he will destroy you and raise your child as a DiMera."

Nick returns to the lab and wrestles with his conscience as he tries to talk himself into faking the DNA evidence for the brat. He rushes into the lab before he chickens out. EJ turns and stares at him as he comes in.

Belle hyperventilates as she tells Claire things will be OK.

"Easy for you to say," says Claire, "You don't have a couple of dingbats for parents."

Phillip, sharp as a tack as always, recognizes Belle's wedding ring. He's crushed. Kate is sooooo sorry. Gabby says, "So there's your proof, Tarzan. Shawn and Belle are gone. Now do you believe me?" Gabby sees Shawn watching.

Abby and Max are giddy. Suddenly, Abby remembers Jack and tells Max he has to get out. Jack knocks at the door, "Hey, Abigail, I thought we were gonna meet downstairs. What's up? Let me in!"

Kayla sits on the plane and contemplates a picture of Patch. The pilot announces the plane is about to take off for the short flight to Salem. "Don't worry, Steve," says Kayla, "I'm coming. EJ Wells is never gonna hurt our family again."

Sami insists EJ is not getting her baby. "Not if you get to him first," says Celeste. Sami tells her to give it a rest. Celeste says Sami has to use the one thing EJ wants, "He's incapable of love, but he is capable of lust. Seduce him in order to get rid of him. After all, it wouldn't be a stretch for you."

Sami shows her the door. As she leaves Celeste turns and asks Sami to reconsider. Sami tells her the only thing she is considering right now is her wedding. EJ is no longer a part of her life, "And frankly, I'd prefer it if you weren't either."

Nick tells EJ he isn't allowed to be there. EJ yanks the phone out of the wall and winds the cord into a garrote, "Mr. Fallon, I wonder if you're going to be a good boy and forget I was ever here, or if you're going to need to learn a lesson." Nick votes for the good-boy route. EJ taps his cheek with his rubber glove clad hand, "Good choice." He leaves.

Outside, EJ chucks his rubber gloves and stops at a payphone to make a call. He speaks in a southern drawl – well, southern England, anyway, as he asks to leave a message for Mr. Lucas Roberts, "This is Dr. Young from University Hospital. I'm afraid we had a problem with Miss Brady's amniocentesis. We're going to have to ask Mr. Roberts to come in." EJ hangs up and winks at nobody in particular. FF.


Phillip says to Gabby, "Which is why I'm not leaving here until I know for a fact you are telling the truth."

Lucas asks, "Why don't you just get over it?" EJ asks, "Get over what?" Lucas says, "Your sick obsession with Sami – that's what."

Sami says, "There is no way that this baby is EJ's." Nick asks, "No way?" Sami says, "It is totally and completely impossible."

Patch has Kayla penned down, "Stay away from those people." Kayla screams, "STOP IT!" Patch kisses her.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Max and Kayla, all decked out as a nun and priest, walk into the place where Stefano is vegetating. They have second thoughts about what they are doing but decide to proceed. Max figures Stefano would not strike down clergy. God, however, might not be so generous with people who are imitating clergy. As they proceed down the hall, one of Stefano's goons sticks a gun into the back of Max' head and utters some kind of Italian curse.

EJ comes to the loony bin to see Steve. He tells him he's just there to see how he is doing. Patch gets in his face and tells him he knows he doesn't care about anyone but himself, "I'm sick of being your whipping boy."

Sami sits at her computer and whips up a forged DNA report. She is massively irritated at Celeste's presence, but finally finishes her masterpiece and asks Celeste to look at it. Celeste stares into the computer screen, "Not good enough to fool a DiMera."

OK, just FYI, Belle is on a manic swing at the moment. She's cheerful as she and Shawn pack for Australia. Belle just can't wait to get there. Life will be wonderful. Shawn cautions her to pack everything so no one will ever know they were there. Belle shoves Claire's dirty diapers into her bag.

Shawn leaves to find a boat. Out in the hall he runs into Gabby who appears to be crying. She claims its just allergies. Shawn shows her Belle's ring and asks if she knows anyone who would trade a boat for it. Gabby wonders why Shawn wants to do that. "We need to get off the island," says Shawn.

Gabby thinks Shawn is rushing things. Maybe they should stick around and wait for an answer to their letter. Shawn has made up his mind. Gabby says she will see what she can do about finding someone who will trade for the ring. Shawn goes downstairs to break the good news to Duck.

Gabby turns and knocks on Belle's door. When she answers, Gabby shows her the ring and says Shawn gave it to her to trade for a boat, "What can I do to convince you guys to stay?"

Celeste thinks this forgery won't solve Sami's problems. It will only make them worse. "And murder won't," screams Sami. Sami claims EJ won't be able to tell and he will never be able to get into her medical records to find out for sure.

"This is Salem," says Celeste, "Medical records are posted on the bulletin board in the lobby of the hospital! Do what you have to do – get rid of him."

Patch wonders how EJ got in to see him. EJ claims he has friends in high places. Patch reminds him he is the person who trained him to be a human weapon. EJ thinks Patch is being paranoid. EJ wants Patch to understand why he put Kayla on his trail and brought him back there and why he can keep him there as long as he wants to.

Kayla and the goon have a conversation in Italian. The goon goes into Stefano's room to check things out. Max wonders when Kayla learned to speak Italian. She tells him she looked at an Italian dictionary at the airport and learned a few key phrases like, "Don't shoot" and "Mind if I yank your kidney out to see if it has John's monogram on it?"

The goon comes back out and he and Kayla blab in Italian again. The goon hauls his gun out again.

Apparently Kayla thought she was telling him they wanted to pray with Stefano. Instead, she insulted the Italian world cup soccer team.

Belle thinks Gabby wants them to stay because she wants to make a play for Shawn. Gabby insists that isn't true and accuses Belle of being paranoid. Belle assures Gabby her cauldron of mental illnesses has nothing to do with this. Gabby figures out someone must have said something to Belle about her and Shawn. Belle comes clean and admits to Gabby that Duck quacked.

Duck finds Shawn leaning against the bar and tells him to get to work. Shawn says he will, but then that's it. He and Belle are leaving the island. Duck reminds him the sheriff told him to stay put. Shawn just can't believe his ole buddy Duck would tell the sheriff he was leaving. Duck tells Shawn he agreed to work for room and board and still owes him. "Unless you pay up, I may just have that little conversation with the sheriff."

Patch wonders what good he is doing EJ locked up. "You're contained says EJ. I came here to tell you – no more phone calls and no more assistance from me."

Stefano's goon has a single digit IQ, but that's about all it takes for him to figure out Max and Kayla aren't Italian. They admit to being Americans. Max tells him he speaks a little Italian, "Abracadabra – that's Italian isn't it?" Max pulls a giant bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve and distracts Goono. In a fancy Bruce Lee move, Goony winds up with the flowers and Max winds up with the gun.

Folks, we don't make this stuff up. We just report on it. OK, sometimes we make it up, but not this time.

Gabby howls at Belle's suggestion. She says Duck is just worried she will hook up with some guy and leave the island. Belle doesn't buy it. Gabby tells Belle instead of worrying that she will steal Shawn she should be worried about sailing 1,000 miles to Australia in a small boat.

"I realize sailing to Australia in a small boat makes no sense," says Belle, "That's why Shawn and I have to do it. The fact that we'll be endangering the life of our baby who, by the way is taking more meds than John Black on a bender so she won't reject her liver, well, that just makes the whole cockamamie trip almost imperative."

Gabby can't believe Belle would want to leave before hearing from her parents, "Think about it Belle, what you have here really isn't so bad."

"Thinking isn't my strong suit," says Belle.

Sami tells Celeste to get it through her head, "I am not going to kill EJ." Celeste wonders if Sami has ever thought of telling Lucas the truth. Sami gasps and reels backwards at the very sound of the word.

"You'd better make sure this utterly foolish plan of yours is convincing, darling. Because I assure you, you will not get a second chance." Everybody make a note of that. Forgery is foolish, but murder isn't. With friends like Celeste, who needs enemies like EJ?

Patch thinks EJ needs him more than he needs EJ. EJ points out Patch's beautiful surroundings and suggests maybe Patch isn't the one in control. He tells Patch he might have a use for him. Phillip thinks he may have located Shawn, and if he did, Patch gets to be some sort of errand boy. EJ asks him to lie low and be a good boy for a while. Patch grabs him and slams him into the wall like a bug crashing into a windshield, "Do you think they would blame me for killing the guy who put me in here?"

"Patch," says EJ, "I think we need to revisit the definition of 'lie low."

"You can't keep pulling my strings."

"Yes I can," says EJ, "Go ahead, choke me."

The audience chants, "GO PATCH GO! GO PATCH GO!"

Kayla takes the keys from the Goonster and goes into Stefano's room. Max forces him to sit down and asks, "So, you know any good places to get a pizza around here?"

Duck wonders what Shawn and Gabby have been up to during their late night soirees. Shawn tells him he is out of line, "I can't believe Gabby turned out the way she did considering you raised her."

"Nice knowing you too, Boy Scout." Duck walks away.

Gabby thought she and Belle were friends, but since she has never really had a friend, she wouldn't know what a real friend is. Belle is touched. "Honestly," says Gabby, "I wish I could go with you."

Sami folds the forgery up and sticks it in an envelope. Blood gushes as Sami gets a paper cut. She tells Celeste not to say that is a bad omen. Celeste agrees and leaves. Sami contemplates her cell phone.

Patch has EJ in a death grip. EJ gets a phone call and asks Patch to excuse him. Sami says she has to see him right away. On his way out, EJ tells Patch to ask Kayla to stay out of his business, "I would hate for you to become a widower."

EJ barely escapes through the door as Patch slams into it, "WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Kayla walks into Stefano's room and rips the oxygen tent back. Stefano gasps for air as Kayla inspects his chest, "OMG, it's true. I'll bet there is a kidney in there with John Black's name on it."

Gabby really wishes she could go with Shawn and Belle. Uh-oh. The room comes crashing down as Belle's mood swings toward the depressive side.

Shawn returns and tells Belle and Gabby Duck broke out into tears when Shawn said he was leaving. They parted with a big manly hug. Gabby figures out Duck probably said Shawn owed him money. She says they actually owe Shawn. Shawn don' wan' no stinkin' money. He just asks Gabby to see what she can do to help them get a boat. She leaves. Shawn turns to Belle, "You ready?"

"I guess so."

"Let's do it."

EJ arrives at Sami's apartment. She tells him she hasn't opened the results, which have arrived in the mail. EJ says it's just like old times, when they opened the threatening notes together. Sami reminds him he is the one who sent the threatening notes. EJ reminds Sami of when they met, "I was just EJ Wells, humanitarian, race driver, all around good guy, and nekkid as a jay bird."

Sami cuts him off and hands him the stampless envelope. EJ asks her to open it, since she is the mother.

Patch repeatedly slams himself against the door. The door wins. He screams at the orderly through the glass that he has OD'd. that brings Dr. Kraft running into his room asking what he took. Patch comes clean and tells Dr. Kraft he really didn't take anything. She tells him he made it sound like a matter of life and death. Patch screams, "It is a matter of life and death. Somebody could die."

Dr. Kraft asks, "What are you talking about?" Patch says he has to talk to Kayla immediately.

Kayla, however, is indisposed at the moment. She takes shots of Stefano's gut with her cell phone and smooshes his hand into a piece of paper to get his fingerprints. She tells him he is alive because of her. She is the one who yanked John's kidney and it makes her sick. She contemplates the plug to his life support systems, "I could end it all right now." Slowly, Sister Kayla reaches for the plug.

After putting us through endless agony, Kayla chickens out. It's in God's hands, not hers. "And I hope you suffer knowing Steve and I are living happily for all the Days Of Our Lives. I hope what you are going through now is nothing compared to what is to come."

Sami opens the envelope, reads, and breaks down. EJ asks if she is OK. Sami says, "I am more than OK, because you are not the father."

EJ rips the test results from her and says, "Let me see that."

Gabby comes downstairs and throws a fit. OMG, who knew – bipolar disorder is contagious! Duck wants to know what is up. Gabby tees off on him and says she doesn't want him around. When the going gets tough, the tough go fishing. Duck leaves. Gabby makes a phone call to Cap. As she asks if he knows anyone who would like to trade a boat for a wedding ring, someone clears his throat behind her.

Gabby turns to see... THE PHILINATOR.

EJ is crushed. Sami sneers, "You raped me, but you are not gonna get my child."

"I did not rape you," says EJ, "I was so sure. How can this be?"

Dr. Kraft comes back and tells Patch she couldn't reach Kayla because she is in Italy. The doctor leaves. Patch staggers around the room and collapses in a heap on his bed, "Oh, Kayla, what are you doing?"

Kayla comes out of Stefano's room. Max locks the Goonster in the closet. He tosses they keys into a wastebasket. Kayla forces him to get rid of the gun, too and they run out.

Shawn assures Belle they will be OK and leaves. Belle sits and stares at family pictures.

Gabby tells Phillip she will be with him in a moment. She tells Cap the ring is gorgeous and anyone who takes this deal will be really happy. Meanwhile, Shawn comes downstairs, sees Phillip and ducks out of the way. Gabby asks Phillip what she can do for him.

Phillip shows her a picture of the kiddie corps, "I'm looking for two people who kidnapped my daughter and I've got reason to believe they came to this island." Shawn watches.



EJ tells Sami, "I don't think you do understand. Because this isn't just my loss. This is your loss, too."

Belle says, "So it all depends on Gabby – someone we barely know. Our lives are in her hands, Shawn. Do you realize that?"

Phillip wrestles with Gabby and says, "You'd better start talking, you hear me?" Gabby squeals, "Fine! They're here, all right?" Kate walks up to them.

Max says, "So what you're trying to say is the love of my life is..." Kayla says, "Abby Devereaux."

John temporarily wakes up from his coma and asks Marlena, "Are we still on this show? "

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Moans From Mordor

Belle huffs around the room as Shawn wakes up. Shawn tries to be apologetic about the twin bed thing, but Belle is in a MOOD. She thinks they have had Claire on the run long enough and it is time to pack up and go to Australia. I guess she thinks they will hitchhike.

The brat comes into the lab and finds Nick. They share small talk and the conversation winds its way around to Nick's, ahem, you know, thing with Billie. Chelsea doesn't want to talk about it, so Nick talks about it. She stops him short and wants to know if he still loves her. He says no. Her face goes blank and the blood drains from her head. Of course, Nick proceeds to tell her he actually loves her more. Chelsea says it's a good thing because she will probably need him more than ever.

Max and Kayla are on the plane to Italy. Max tells her Bo and Roman would be totally peeved if they knew he and Kayla were doing this, "Which reminds me – what are we doing?" Kayla tells him they are going on a wild goose chase to find Stefano. Max realizes that, but wants to know why.

Kayla tells him about the kidneyapping. Max is totally shocked, only he believes Steve yanked John's kidney. When Kayla says she did it, Max practically changes the course of the plane with his reaction. So he still wants to know what they are going to do when they get there. Kayla has a plan. They are going to track Stefano down at the same hospital where John and Marlena found him, yank his new kidney out, and find out if it matches John's. If it does, they will stand at the foot of his bed yelling, "BAD STEFANO, BAD STEFANO! " Max thinks she must really love Patch a lot to do this for him. Kayla just hopes it isn't too late.

Meanwhile, back at the loony gin, Goliath orders David to clean up the mess. The patients grunt out moans from Mordor in the background. Steve and Goliath go back and forth and Steve finally gives in and gets down on the floor. He takes two dry soy-burgers and sticks them on top of Goliath's shoes. The collection of lunatics around the room all cackle like the Wicked Witch of the West. Steve looks up, "You want fries with that?"

Goliath drags Patch up. Patch bounces around the room as the patients laugh and cheer. He taunts Goliath, who drags out his taser and threatens to zap Patch to kingdom come.

Kayla thinks maybe if Steve had never met her, he would never have gotten mixed up with the DiMeras. Max gets all over her for blaming herself for Steve's condition. Kayla decides he is right, "It was a fleeting thought. Fleeting thoughts are standard for me." Max and Kayla sit there and bore us with their mutual admiration society. Max wonders how they are going to pull this off. Kayla hopes for divine intervention. No sooner said than done. A priest gets out of his seat and heads for the restroom. Max follows, and once they are in the restroom together, he beats the crap out of him and steals his frock.

Shawn doesn't get it. Belle is used to that. She wants to leave the island. She doesn't think it is a fit place to raise a child. Shawn deserves better. Shawn agrees but wants to know if Belle has figured out a way to get to Australia.


Nick vows his undying love for Chelsea. She's happy to hear that because he's going to need her more than ever. She tells him the story of the arson, the thief and the guy in the bar with a talking dog. Oh, waitaminute, that was another story. Anyway, Nick thinks it's great she's off the hook and Willow will get nailed for the dastardly deed. Then she tells him about the hairbrush with her DNA smeared all over it. That's the part where she's going to need that undying love of his.

"What do you need your best friend who just happens to work at the lab to do for you," asks Nick.

"I think you already know the answer to that," says the brat, "I need you to get me off the hook."

Belle's hot idea is to use her wedding ring, which no one on the island knows is stolen. They won't sell it though, "We'll trade it for beads and trinkets, use that to buy a boat, sail the boat to Australia, sell the boat, get high-paying jobs and live happily ever after for all the Days Of Our Lives."

Shawn is IM-pressed. He thinks things are looking up. Not only that he sees Belle smiling for the first time in a long time.

"The drugs finally kicked in," says Belle. That's all fine, but Shawn needs to hear her say the real reason she wants to leave.

Patch and Goliath trade insults and threats. "I would gargle glass before I would take orders from you," snorts Patch, "Bring it on, man. Hit me with all you got."

Goliath points his taser. Several miles away, the generators at the Salem power plant whine and slowly spin to a stop. The entire town of Salem experiences what for generations to come will be known as the Great Blackout of '07. All the power in town hits Steve like a lightning bolt. He lights up like the Fourth of July and Christmas all rolled into one. Dr. Kraft walks in as the fireball formerly known as Patch sizzles on the floor.

Max shows off his new priestly duds and chants. Kayla is shocked he stole the clothes from a priest. Father Maximus rationalizes, "God helps those who help themselves."

Nick doesn't want to fake any more test results. He wonders if Chelsea just left the brush at Bo and Hope's place instead of Willow planting it. Chelsea tells him Bo is treating the brush as if it were the Holy Grail. "That will clear you," says Nick, "Believe me, nothing you have ever touched is holy."

The brat tosses out the trump card, "You said you would do anything for me, remember?" Nick says he won't do it.

Gabby interrupts Shawn and Belle with breakfast. She tells Shawn Duck wants him to gas up the generator. Shawn leaves. So much for breakfast. Gabby offers to watch Claire while Belle takes a shower. "Why are you so interested in my kid," asks Belle.

The brat cajoles. Nick resists. He wants her, but not this way. Nick says, "I want you to love me. But I'm not gonna compromise my integrity to make it happen."

Chelsea says, "You think I did this, don't you?"

Belle thinks Gabby cares, but a little too much. Gabby says she will back off. She just wants Belle to be her girlfriend. "Tell me this," says Belle, "Are you sure it's a girlfriend you're looking for?"

Gabby denies she has any interest at all in Shawn, who comes back into the room. Gabby decides it's time to leave, before she swoons in his presence. Belle asks Shawn if he loves her. "You know I do," says Shawn.

"Then help me pack so we can get out of here as soon as possible," says Belle.

Father Maximus suggests Kayla should become a nun. That would get them past the guards in the hospital. Max wonders what Bo and Roman would say if they saw Kayla right now. This isn't like her. She's an angel on earth. Kayla thinks maybe she should be an avenging angel, "I need to be what I fear and hate the most about the DiMeras. Lord, give me strength."


Dr. Kraft goes berserk. She wanted Patch medium rare and Goliath has fried him to a crisp. she orders Goliath to clean up the mess as the minions of hell cackle in the background.

Dr. Kraft ushers Patch back to his room. He and Goliath exchange stares. Steve throws him kissies.

Shawn says he will love Belle forever. "That's some commitment," says Belle, "considering I kicked you out of my bed."

"I don't exactly remember ever being in it," says Shawn, "But, then again, I suppose with a nut-job like you it wouldn't be a very memorable experience."

"I love you," says Belle.

"Even though I've been pig-headed sometimes?"

"You haven't been pig-headed," says Belle, "Pigs are actually pretty smart." Belle decides this wonderful moment calls for a total breakdown. This just isn't the right place for them to find each other.

Nick and Chelsea go another round, say nothing, and resolve nothing. He wonders what she would do if he asked her to rob a bank for him. She says she'd ask for the mask and gun and go do it. He insists that isn't true. The brat storms out.

Out in the hall, the brat calls and arranges for a flight to New York. Nick chases, but she's gone by the time he gets out there.

Blathering Belle bawls. She just has to get out of there. Shawn breaks down and agrees. The terrifying roller coaster that is Belle's personality completes its death-drop and rises to new heights. I mean it... you're going to have to pop a few Prozac to even watch this scene as Belle takes manic-depressive disorder to new levels. Gabby stands outside and listens.

Max gives Kayla a lecture about the different kinds of tough guys... the drunks, the bluffers, the viewers who have to sit through this drivel... and her kind of tough, soft on the outside and tough on the inside. The priest across the aisle gets up. Kayla pulls a wad-o-cash out of her purse and makes a donation to his parish. You can't buy love, but you can buy your way into heaven.

Dr. Kraft examines Steve and asks why he didn't go after Goliath. "My psychobabble-iatrist told me I should be on my best behavior."

"Good answer." She will see him in a private session tomorrow. Goliath unlocks the door so she can get out. she wants to talk to Goliath.

After Dr. Kraft leaves Goliath says, "You made yourself one mean enemy."

"Bring it on, bro," says Patch, "Bring it on."


Sami says, "I am more than OK, because you are not the father." EJ grabs the test results and says, "Let me see that."

Phillip says to Gabby, "I'm looking for two people who kidnapped my daughter and I've got reason to believe they came to this island." Shawn watches.

Patch screams, "It is a matter of life and death. Somebody could die." Dr. Kraft asks, "What are you talking about?"

A guy holds a gun and asks, "Who are you." Father Maximus and Sister Mary-Kayla stare.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Catching Up On The Soap Operas

Gabby screams for Shawn to stop pounding Charlie. Belle comes up with Claire wondering what's going on. Shawn leaves Charlie in a heap on the floor and tells Belle he was just taking out the trash. Gabby lectures him.

Max and Kayla are at lunch. Max wolfs it down like he hasn't eaten in a week. He tells Kayla he's stacked up at the garage. There's paperwork since Abby went off on her heretofore unmentioned trip. Kayla asks when he last went on a vacation – she thinks maybe he needs one, and says the food is great in Italy. She shows him a brochure for the International Nefarious Villain Adventure Vacation. She's going, and wants him to go with her. Her treat. Max wonders what the catch is. Kayla hems and haws, "It might be a smidge... dangerous."

Patch paces. Patch stares. Dr. Kraft comes in. Patch is practically crushed by the huge chip on his shoulder. He tells her the pills aren't helping. His head is like stryrofoam. He doesn't want her to flatten him out like the rest of the loonies in there. "Well, Mr. Johnson, that's exactly the trip you signed up for with me," says Dr. Kraft.

Gabby and Shawn argue. Shawn says, "I was just throwing his drunken butt out of here."

"Well," says Gabby, "That butt is attached to the sheriff."

Duck comes in and asks what Shawn was doing. He just got a call from the sheriff, "Charlie is the sheriff's brother-in-law. The sheriff thinks he's Wyatt freaking Earp. He's gonna climb down your throat and pull half of you out the way he came in."

Gabby steps to Shawn's defense. Duck wants Shawn gone, "Understood?"

Duck leaves. Shawn gets all over Gabby for shooting her mouth off to Charlie, "Is that how you work? Skimming the gossip off the top. Now at least I know I can't trust you."

Kayla tells Max Steve is in trouble. She tells him about Stefano's torture. EJ was behind it. She has to find out what they did to him. Stefano is in Italy. Max doesn't want to take Stefano on, "You could get killed, not to mention me."

"What choice do I have," asks Kayla.

Dr. Kraft reminds Steve he said he would go along with her treatment or wind up in jail. "You give me your pharma cocktail and I'll wind up talking to the toilet seat," says Steve. He tells her to get out.

She reminds him one phone call and he's back in prison, "Don't you want to get well?"

"What happened can't be cured by your lousy pills," says Patch, "The fact is, I'm scared."

Steve tells her, reluctantly, he's afraid he will be drugged forever. Ella softens. She thinks it was a big step to admit his fear. Steve wants a clear head. "All the meds in the world can't do that for you," says Ella, "But not taking the meds is not an option. If you cooperate, I may be able to make this place a little more appealing."

Shawn and Belle pack. Belle lectures him for ordering her around. Shawn says they have to get out of there now. He thinks they should sleep on the beach where nobody can find them. Belle says if Shawn wants to sleep on the beach he can do it alone. Or at least they will have twin beaches. Shawn says he took Charlie on because he insulted Belle, not Gabby.

Dr. Kraft says if Steve meets expectations he could be granted privileges. He could take his meals out in the commons. "Oooooo," says Steve, "Lunch with the loonies gets my butt pumpin.'" She says he could also watch TV. "Hot dog," says Steve, "Nothing like catching up on the soap operas when I am tanked up and droolin'. If you let me watch DOOL, I won't even need my meds. Just watching that show turns you into a zombie."

She hands him the meds, "It's your call." Steve takes the pills. He opens his mouth for the inspection. Ella says she will join him for lunch.

"Great," says Steve, "I'll be sure to wear my slinky dress and pearls."

Dr. Kraft leaves. Steve spits out the meds, "Gotta stay sharp. I'm coming Sweetness." He notices Dr. Kraft left the door to his room open. He staggers out into the cuckoo's nest, "OK, Doc, let's have lunch."

Willie the wacko runs up to Steve and screams "Look out for the chickens."

"Somebody in this place is finally making sense," says Steve.

Gabby comes to the door. She tells Shawn the sheriff is downstairs. They need to go. Belle refuses. Shawn says if they don't go they will lose Claire. He asks Gabby to stall the sheriff.

Gabby opens the door. "Going somewhere," asks Wyatt freaking Earp.

Kayla tries to convince Max to go on the trip of doom. She can't bear to lose Steve again. He suggests she talk to Roman and Bo. Kayla says their hands are legally tied. She needs help, "With or without you I am going."

Back downstairs, Barney Fife questions Shawn. He says he was defending Gabby and Belle. Gabby comes up and backs him up. She asks the sheriff to have Charlie drop the charges. The sheriff says he will talk to Charlie. He wants Shawn's passports. Shawn hesitates. "Today, Sugar Ray," says the sheriff, "Passports. Now!"

Belle paces and babbles to Claire. Claire wonders how long it will be before her mother can talk like an adult. They go for a walk.

Duck comes into the empty room, "OK Boy Scout, let's see what you are hiding."

Dr. Kraft tries to snap Steve out of it. He feigns a stupor. It's not much of a stretch. She asks him why he kidnapped John and forced Kayla to remove his kidney. He says he had to. Dr. Kraft brings up the Stockholm Syndrome, "It happens when a prisoner is so traumatized they develop a bond with their captors."

Steve counters with the Salem Syndrome, "That's when the writers run out of good material and have the actors stall around with drivel like this." Steve rages. Dr. Kraft calms him down. She is there to find out what techniques have been used to brainwash him. Her phone rings. She has to leave. She thinks they are off to a good start. As she walks away, she tells Steve to smile.

"I'll smile when I'm out of this place," grumbles Patch, "I'm coming Kayla."

Belle interrupts Shawn and the sheriff. The sheriff is suspicions about the passports. Shawn says they left because some ne'er-do-well is after their daughter. The sheriff says the story sounds like a crock. Gabby steps in and stands up for them, "It's a really great crock, though."

Duck comes downstairs waving Shawn and Belle's fake passports, "Whatever they told you they're lying."

He says he found the fake passports up in the room. The sheriff says now they're in possession of stolen or forged documents. Gabby jumps to their defense once again. She reminds duck and Sheriff Jim everyone on the island came there to get lost for one reason for another. Sheriff Jim says he has to go by the book. Gabby says the room search was illegal. It would never hold up in court. In fact, the sheriff should arrest Duck instead, "Let it go please."

Everyone forgets they aren't in the US where those things might be true. Sheriff Jim asks Gabby, "When did you get so smart?"

"I watch TV cop shows," says Gabby, "You leave Charlie to me. If I can get him to drop the complaint will that satisfy you?"

The sheriff confiscates the passports. He tells Shawn and Belle not to try to leave Tinda Lao.

Max thinks taking down international crime bosses is out of his job description. He doesn't think Steve would agree with this. Kayla says Max is right but if she can give him back his real life she will do it. She would die for Steve. Max knows he owes Kayla for taking Frankie and him off the streets, "I would do anything for you guys, you know that."

Kayla asks, "Does that mean you will do it?"

Max sighs. He knows she he's been had, "I guess. But there is one condition."

Patch contemplates his dry hunk of processed dead cow, "There are a lot of stray cats in this neighborhood." He picks up his lunch and takes it over to one of the, shall we say, more rotund loonies sitting across the room. Beefy digs in while he cheats at solitaire. Patch goes over to the TV area, hops over the back of a couch and stares at his new friend. She sits there doing the DOOL drool. "I just love that Wascally Wabbit," says Patch.

Over across the room, Goliath the orderly reams out poor Beefy, "ONE MEAL PER PATIENT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT?" Patch goes to Beefy's rescue. Goliath tells Patch to mind his own business.

Patch readjusts the chip on his shoulder, "Come and get it."

Gabby thanks Sheriff Jim as he leaves. Claire fusses and bawls. Belle will take her upstairs while Shawn hangs around downstairs.

Shawn apologizes to Gabby for giving her a hard time earlier. Gabby is glad they are staying. He thanks her for her help, and sticks out his hand to shake. Instead, Gabby hugs him, "Anything I can do to help... Anything at all."

Belle answers a knock at the door. It's Duck, looking for the Boy Scout. Belle tells him he's down with Gabby. Duck warns Belle about Gabby, "She has a weakness and it's a big one. Men. Dark hair... baby blues... brains that have taken a whirl in a blender... remind you of anyone?" Belle kicks him out. On his way out, Duck turns and says, "If you want to hold on to that Boy Scout of yours, you'd better stake your claim very soon."

Max' condition is to stop in New York on the way back. He wants to surprise Abby, who has suddenly taken this mysterious trip. He insists he and Abby are just buds. Kayla doesn't buy it. Kayla agrees, but Max can't tell anyone about the trip to Italy.


Patch tells Goliath to bring it on. He tells Patch not to stick his nose where it doesn't belong. Patch says it's his lunch and it goes wherever he says. Goliath swings one of his paws at the tray sitting on the table and flings it across the room. He tells Patch to clean it up. Patch sneers, "Sorry, bad ass. You're gonna get down on your knees and clean it up."


Shawn says, "So, you got a plan? You're serious about this aren't you? Belle says, "Shawn, our lives depend on it."

Nick says, "I want you to love me. But I'm not gonna compromise my integrity to make it happen." Chelsea says, "You think I did this, don't you?"

Patch tells Goliath, "Fire away!" Goliath revs up his taser. Patch has a shocking experience.

Kayla says to Max, "I need to be what I fear and hate the most about the DiMeras. Lord, give me strength."

Monday, March 26, 2007

Madame Morrible

Shawn bounces Claire around and tries to help her come up with a name for her new teddy bear. He suggests "Teddy."

"Wow," says Claire, "I'd never have thought of that one in a million years."

Belle walks in and is amazed that Shawn has cleaned the room. She takes Claire who proceeds to throw a fit. They really need to find a kid actor who doesn't detest Belle. Shawn clowns around to try to get her to settle down. He thinks Claire needs some new clothes. Belle suggests a consignment shop and decides Claire is lucky to have Shawn as a dad. Shawn apparently had a good night working at the bar. He offers Belle a wad-o-cash to shop with, but she rejects it. She'll just use beads and trinkets to buy the clothes for Claire, "I have everything I need. A functioning brain cell or two would be nice, but I can live without it."

Belle smooches him and leaves. Shawn stares at the twin beds, "That makes one of us."

Willow walks up to the door of her room, talking to the fence on her cell phone. As she opens the door, she tells him she doesn't know how much it's worth but needs to unload a lot of it.

Hope turns and says, "What are you trying to unload?" She holds up the jewelry, "Wouldn't be this would it?"

Bo and half the police force come to Billie's apartment to talk to Chelsea. Bo says he has to search her room. "Do you have a warrant," says Billie.

"A what? "

Chelsea chimes in, "If you want someone to blame this arson on – Fine – Blame me. I'm always going to be your favorite target. But just know this time you are wrong."

Sami and Celeste stand out in the hall and argue about EJ. "You know what you have to do. That bastard from hell deserves to die," screams Celeste. EJ opens the door.

Screams of "SURPRISE" come from the room crowded with extras. Sami asks, "What is going on."

Kate sticks her face in, "A bridal shower."

Phillip crowds into the doorway, "Congratulations, Sami."

Sami is shocked, "I don't know what to say."

Kate tosses in a zinger, "If only we could keep it that way."

EJ pulls Celeste aside. He says he thinks for someone who seems to detest Sami, she has certainly found some common ground with her. He goes over to Sami and notices her hands are shaking.

Willow grabs for the bag. She insists the jewelry is her great aunt's. Hope thinks it's such a coincidence that she and Willow's great aunt share the same poor taste in jewelry., "Everything is here except the matches you used to burn down my house."

Gabby asks Shawn why Belle was all smiles this morning. Shawn tries to ignore her but Gabby persists. He tells her Belle and Claire went shopping at the second hand store. That's where Gabby got her dress. She asks Shawn to watch the bar while she goes off to do some things. Shawn wonders if she really is asking him to watch the town drunk down at the end of the bar. The sot comes up and tries to get Gabby to dance with him. Gabby resists and introduces Charlie. Charlie becomes persistent. Wonder-boy grabs him and Gabby drops her jaw.

Phillip asks Sami if she is OK with him being there. Sami says she is OK, "What's one more clown in the fools' parade? "

Phillip asks if Sami knows whether her baby is a boy or girl. EJ walks up and says, "There are tests for that type of thing – among others.

Kate walks around the room trying to pawn off her tray of artichoke cheese puff lumps. Sami tells her she's acting like a Stepford mother-in-law. Kate says, "If I had wanted to poison you, I'd have done it years ago."

EJ drags Sami into the bedroom to talk. Sami doesn't want any part of it, "I'm going back to the party."

EJ blocks her, "You're not going anywhere until I find out how you and that third rate gypsy are planning on killing me. You got that?"

Kate offers Celeste one of the cardboard cheese doodles, "Trying to kill someone can work up an appetite." Celeste says Kate misunderstood. Kate wants to know what is going on. Celeste says she can't help her.

Lucas walks in. Kate tells him the fun has just begun. With Lucas there, at least the conversation will pick up.

The cops clear the brat's room. The brat gets sarcastic, "Here – take the stuff from my purse. How about some gum? How about some lipstick?"

"It's not my color," says Bo. Billie wonders if this whole thing is necessary. Bo tells her it is. He holds up the incriminating hairbrush in a baggie and asks the brat if it is hers.

Willow claims she has no idea how the jewelry got there. Hope says she thought Willow was a better liar than that. Willow wonders if Chelsea planted it. "Now that's a much better lie," says Hope. Willow heads for the hills.

Gabby separates Shawn and Charlie. She sends Charlie packing. Gabby tells Shawn Charlie won the lottery and is drinking his winnings away. She tells him to cool it, "Fights bring cops and cops ask questions and Duck doesn't like questions. Keep your hands to yourself." She kisses him for wanting to be her hero, and then leaves.

Lucas asks Kate where Sami is. Phillip interrupts before Kate can answer. Lucas asks what he is doing here. Kate suggests they go outside so she doesn't have to referee.

Out in the hall, Phillip says he wants to apologize. Lucas isn't interested. "We're brothers," says Phillip.

"When it's convenient," says Lucas.

Kate asks if Celeste is leaving so soon. Celeste claims she and Sami were just talking about Will's education at the Bastard From Hell Academy.

Sami insists she isn't plotting anything. She threatens to scream. EJ calls her bluff. He blocks her from leaving. Sami says she's going to call Roman and tell him he whole story right now. EJ takes out his cell phone and dials and asks for Roman.

Sami grabs the phone, "It's my story to tell."

"Very well," says EJ, "But don't leave out the part where you helped me escape from those dedicated police officers who were looking for me."

Sami says into the phone, "This is his daughter. It's very important."

Belle chuckles. Claire sports her new duds. Gabby goes to grab her camera. Shawn warns Belle to steer clear of Charlie. Belle brushes off the warning. She claims she wasn't trying to confuse Shawn when she kissed him earlier. "I'm used to being confused," says Gomer.

Chelsea says she doesn't recognize the brush. Bo gets a call. Hope tells him she found the jewels at Willow's, and Willow took a powder.

Bo hangs up and tells Billie and the brat Willow had the jewels.

"I knew it was that lying little tramp," says the lying little tramp.

"I assume this brush is hers, too," says Bo.

"It's all over," says Billie. She turns to the brat, "No more doubting you. Right, Bo?" Bo looks at the brush.

Sami says she doesn't care if Roman is with the mayor, the call is important, "OK. I'll call back."

EJ makes another call, "I think we should keep this in the family." Bo answers his phone. EJ says, "Your niece has something important to share with you." Sami freezes.

Finally, Sami grabs the phone and says she just wanted to thank Bo and Hope for the gift. Bo's crack detective mind goes to work. He wonders why Sami called on EJ's phone. She tells him her phone died and someone is using the landline. They wrap up the conversation, and Sami hurls the phone back at EJ.

"Well it rather seems the cat won that round," says EJ, "So, my little mouse, why don't you tell me about your plans with Celeste?"

Lucas and Phillip come back inside. They didn't resolve anything. Kate tells them to clam down, and they will work this out.

Gabby asks Belle if things are cool with Shawn. Belle says things aren't going well. That's why Gabby found Shawn sleeping on the veranda.

"How bad did things get," asks Gabby.


"No," says Gabby, "I meant between you and Shawn – not the story line. Would you be jealous if he started falling for another girl?"

Gabby wonders if that question embarrassed Belle. Belle says it didn't. Gabby says she isn't trying to take Shawn away. She doesn't want to get tied down.

"Shawn isn't into that kind of thing," says Belle.

Gabby likes her life there on the island. "Things are simple here. In fact, they are even more simple since you and Shawn showed up. You don't go after other people's men around here."

"Shawn isn't taken," says Belle.

Gabby says, "He wants you, Belle, and he will wait for you. There is no other girl for him."

Sami insists she isn't planning something with Celeste. She breaks down. All she wants is to go out and have a shower like a normal bride. She says she can't keep lying. All she wants is a break – One night where she can pretend that she has a lasting and real relationship.

EJ says he will give her everything but he has to protect what is his.

"I am not yours," cries Sami.

"I wasn't speaking of you," says EJ, "But this nonsense with Celeste stops."

Celeste works her pseudo-blackberry, "Samantha, I hope you get this in time."

Sami's purse vibrates. She huffs around and tells EJ she will tell him everything, but spills her purse as she gets up. EJ picks up her handkerchief as Sami goes for the mess on the floor. She surreptitiously looks at the text message in her phone. EJ wants to know what is going on.

Kate tells Lucas he is ruining Sami's shower. She lectures him on courage. Lucas and Phillip shake hands. Lucas wonders where Sami is. "She and EJ in the bedroom," says Kate, "Talking I guess. What else would they be doing?"

Sami says Celeste wanted to talk to him about Theo. He's been interviewing at Will's school and the headmaster was rude to him. EJ brings up the baby as Lucas walks in, "The baby is none of your business."

Sami tells Lucas EJ followed her in there. She came in because she wasn't feeling well. EJ leaves.

Sami tells Lucas she is fine. Lucas says he loves her but wants to know what is going on.

Over at the Salem Hospital for the Criminally insane, they pass out huge doses of Prozac to the frontal lobotomy patients who are celebrating nothing in particular. The zombies sit there and contemplate the mold growing on the walls. This is one hoppin' party in comparison to Sami's wedding shower.

"You really know how to throw a party, Mom," says Phillip.

"It's a gift," says Kate.

EJ finds Kate. "I was worried about you," says Kate, "after Celeste's threat."

"Where is Madame Morrible, anyway," asks EJ. Kate tells him she left after giving her some story about Theo and school. "Sami and Celeste's stories corroborate," says EJ.

EJ starts to leave. "Take me with you," says Kate.

"What would people say," asks EJ.

"That's the thing about you and me," says Kate, "We don't care."

"Yes we do when it comes to family," says EJ, "Soon."

Phillip comes in and says he just got a lead on Claire.

Charlie comes up and offers help with the pictures they are taking of Claire. Gabby offers to dance with him just to get him out of the way.

Gabby and Charlie go off and Shawn tells Belle Charlie is the local lush.

"I guess this isn't the island Mickey ran away to," says Belle. Gabby comes back so she can take a family portrait. Belle wishes she had been able to send some of these pictures with her letter.

Gabby suggests sending another one. That kind of thinking is way over Belle's head. Gabby says she will make sure the second letter gets back to the states.

Hope arrives. Chelsea thanks her for discovering the jewels at Willow's place. Hope tells the brat Willow said she planted them. The brat admits she was at the Y. "Don't worry," says Bo as he holds up the brush, "She can't lie her way out of DNA. No one can."

Bo has to go. He asks the brat's forgiveness. Chelsea fiddles with the baggie containing the brush. Bo takes it from her and tells her not to tamper with the evidence. He waves the brush and says, "This time there will be no mercy."

Bo and Hope leave. Billie tells the brat she is proud of the way she handled herself with her father. She goes to freshen up. The brat makes a call, "Hey, it's me. I need your help right now. My whole life is about to blow up."

The cops arrest Willow, "You are being charged with breaking and entering, arson, attempted murder, and aiding and abetting in the production of bad drama." Willow claims they have the wrong person.

Charlie scoots his beer glass over, "Top her off." Shawn refuses. Charlie tells him he has too much of a good thing. He's going to help by taking the blonde off his hands. Shawn grabs him, "She's my wife."

"I heard you're just the guy who knocked her up," says Charlie.

Shawn pounds the stuffing out of him. Gabby screams, "Shawn! You're killing him! Quit!"

Sami says she isn't afraid of EJ. He knows he doesn't have a chance with her. Lucas is her guy and she loves him so much. Kiss.

Kate tells Phillip Claire is gone. She won't let him slip away again. She will track down the leads with him. Sami and Lucas come out. Lucas goes for punch. EJ listens to the laughter through the door, and sniffs Sami's hanky, "You will be mine very soon. Very soon."



Duck tells Belle, "If you want to hold on to that Boy Scout of yours, you'd better stake your claim very soon." Belle looks like she starts to faint.

Gabby hugs Shawn, "Anything I can do to help... Anything at all."

Max says, "I would do anything for you guys, you know that." Kayla asks, "Does that mean you will do it?" Max has some sort of a conniption and says, "I guess."

Patch tells the orderly, "You're gonna get down on your knees and clean it up."

Friday, March 23, 2007

Hold On To Your Hybrids!

Belle paces around with Claire and bemoans the fact that daddy isn't there to tuck her in. He's also not there to tuck Claire in. Someone knocks at the door. Belle answers and sees Duck standing there. He sees a look of surprise on her face and asks, "Expecting somebody else?"

"Yeah," says Belle, "I guess I was."

High above the island, an eagle soars and prepares to swoop down on its hapless prey. Downstairs, Gabby does the same. She sees Shawn lying on the couch and tells him it's a beautiful night. She offers him a beer. He passes. She asks if everything is OK with the beds in their room. Shawn says they're fine – he just came down for air. Gabby asks if he and Belle had a fight. She decides it's none of her business and starts to leave. Shawn stops her and reconsiders the beer. "Cheers," they say as they clink their bottles together.

Phillip and EJ meet somewhere in the bowels of Salem. Phillip asks if Shawn has contacted EJ since he left. EJ says no – he thought Shawn and Belle were dead. Phillip says he has reason to believe they are alive. EJ says he has unfinished business with Shawn. He asks how he can help.

Sami scurries around looking for her wedding plan file to take to the meeting. If it contains the plans for all her weddings, she'd better have a fork lift available. She wants to be prepared for the meeting. Lucas says this isn't about their wedding. They will be meeting with Cydney Nelson to talk about her wedding planning website. Lucas thinks Sami would make a great wedding planner and asks her to hurry. Sami runs into the bedroom to look. Lucas calls Kate, "Operation 'Surprise Wedding Shower' is underway. Sami is clueless. She also doesn't suspect a thing."

Hope drops in on Billie. She wants to talk about Chelsea and the night of the fire. Billie thinks Hope is judging the brat too quickly. Hope says, "If I have learned anything this year it's not to pass judgment on people. I find it more efficient to punish them without passing judgment." Hope doesn't know if Chelsea was involved in the fire. Billie defends her. Hope is on the fence. She just wanted to make sure Billie knows Chelsea is in serious trouble.

Kate and the brat lurk in the hall as Sami and Lucas leave. Once they are gone the dynamic duo enters the apartment. The brat thinks this is a special thing to do for them. Kate says to herself, "It's always been my dream to be something special for Sami."

Belle tells Duck Shawn went "out." Duck wants to know what kind of man runs off on a woman and baby in the middle of the night.

Shawn tells Gabby he doesn't want to talk about it. That's her cue to talk about it. He tells Gabby his problem with Belle has nothing to do with her. "The last thing I want to do," says Gabby, "is to cause problems for you and Belle. By the way, there is a nice bridge on the other side of the island. Would you be interested in buying it? "

Billie says she is aware of the fact Chelsea could be in trouble. But she thinks she is mad at her and wonders if that's the case, why she would lash out at Bo and Hope. Hope says the fact she was there is a lead Bo has to follow. Billie wonders what Hope thinks. Hope doesn't want to believe Chelsea was capable of that, but she isn't sure. Billie says, "If you want answers you'll have to talk to Chelsea."

Kate asks Chelsea to try the artichoke puffs, "They cost a fortune at Chez Rouge. Actually I think Sami is more of a pork rind and beer kinda girl."

The brat tells Kate she thinks Sami and Lucas are really happy. Kate tells her, "Love is an amusing diversion but ultimately will dull your wit. You've been in love a lot, haven't you? " Chelsea asks if Kate thinks she was stupid with Nick. Kate thinks it was just one of those things. She advises her to get over it.

At the restaurant, Lucas introduces Cydney and Sami. Sami gets a call. Celeste says she needs to speak with her, "Your whole future depends on it."

Celeste says things have gotten worse with EJ. Sami tells her to go jump in a lake. She hangs up and apologizes to Cydney for the interruption. Lucas checks in with his mouth in high gear. He wants to know what that was all about. Sami says it was a DJ for the wedding. Cydney congratulates them on their true love. Sami can't wait to get married. Smoochies. Sami takes out her wedding plans and asks Cydney to look at them, "I helped design the wedding dress and the bridesmaid's outfits. Lucas acts like an organ grinder's monkey trying to get a peek at the dress.

Cydney says, "I think your wedding will be lovely and traditional."

Sami hears the word and has a heart attack on the spot. Lucas tries to work the conversation back to the business of Myth-Ick and Internet weddings.

Sami struggles to get the dagger out of her heart. "I wanted the wedding to be special. I want it to be different from the rest and stand out." She could have that if they just wind up getting married.

Cydney says, "You could have a theme or destination wedding. What would be really great would be a green wedding."

"Green isn't my color," says Sami. At the moment it seems to be Lucas' color as he watches the conversation spiral out of control.

"No," says Cydney, "You misunderstood. I was talking about an environmentally-friendly wedding. You know – Use natural fibers in your wedding gown... Arrive in a horse and carriage... Use soy-based candles... edible underwear."

Sami thinks it's fantastic, "We're going green!"

Lucas chimes in, "Hold on to your hybrids! We're not going that way." Poor Lucas... he actually thinks he can have an opinion.

Kate says Billie made a mistake. She didn't know Chelsea was interested in Nick at the time of her little peccadillo. "What's Nick's excuse," asks Chelsea.

"Men are basically idiots," says Kate, "They are ruled by a part of the anatomy other than their brain." She says the brat needs to forgive her mother, "A good thing about being a woman is you can make men suffer for their transgressions. You need to be in charge. You are a woman. Repeat it for me."

"I am a woe-man."

Billie and Hope arrive. Kate asks to borrow a hairbrush as the brat answers the door. Once Billie and Hope are inside, the brat runs out to make a phone call. Outside in the hall, she rolls her eyes.

Belle insists Shawn hasn't deserted them, "He was warm and went out for some air." Duck wonders if he wanted to cool off from the heat or something else. Belle tells him to get to the point or leave.

Gabby says she usually doesn't get involved in other people's business. Shawn says, "We aren't tourists on this island. You have a right to ask questions."

Gabby says, "Well, I noticed, Belle doesn't have a ring on her finger."

"That's because I'm wearing it through my nose," says Shawn, "But she does have a ring – From her ex-husband."

Phillip suggests he and EJ work with each other. EJ agrees, "Wouldn't it be amusing if we were both hoping for the same ends?"

"I wouldn't be a bit surprised," says Phillip.

Gabby asks if Shawn still loves Belle. He says he does. "And she loves you?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"You think?"

"Not well," says Shawn, "We're not exactly there yet. We are together for Claire and will stay together until we are safe from Phillip. I told her I would be patient."

"That can't be easy for you," says Gabby, "You're the kind of guy who could have any girl. You're handsome, funny and smoking hot. I should just shut up."

Shawn appreciates the compliment. Gabby tells him he has a lot going for him. He should at least know where he stands.

Duck says Belle doesn't have to get huffy, "Just tell Shawn I needs him early tomorrow for the mail boat." As he starts to leave, Belle asks him to make sure their letter goes out. He doesn't have time to look for it, "But if it's in the pile, it will go."

Sami and Lucas bicker about the type of wedding they will have. Cydney didn't mean to start trouble. Sami begs, "Pretty please with tofu on top." Lucas caves.

EJ thinks this could be the beginning of a useful relationship. Phillip heads for the wedding shower. "Wedding shower," says EJ, "I'd better go shopping."

The brat is in her apartment. Hope comes to the door. She tells Chelsea Billie believes her about the fire. She also says Kate stood up for her, "And Lucas and Sami believe in you enough to let you live in their home. You have a lot of support."

"Just not you or my dad," says Chelsea, "He thinks I'm an arsonist. I didn't set your house on fire. If anyone did, it was Willow – she's the pyro." Hope says Willow was with her brother at the time of the fire. Jed confirmed it. Chelsea thinks maybe Jed lied. The brat swears she would never hurt Hope or her baby. She loves them. Hope says she believes her.

Kate and Billie welcome Phillip. He asks, "Who are all these people?"

"They're extras pretending to be friends and co-workers at Myth-Ick," says Kate.

Phillip thinks he's been out of touch. He's been out of town, too.

Shawn says, "I would really like to know what is going on in Belle's head, but there aren't enough scientists in the world to figure that one out." He tells her about all his screw ups, "I was living with an ex hooker and working with a criminal."

Gabby won't take back what she said about him, "My mother was a lady of the evening."

"In Salem," says Shawn, "You'd fit right in. I apologize for using that disgusting word 'hooker.' How did your mother get to be a slam-hog ?"

"My mother did what she had to," says Gabby, "She lived in Saigon during the war. She had no work or money, but there were lots of American soldiers with lots of money and needs to be met. No woman ever becomes a prostitute by choice. She died of cholera a month after I was born. I would have wound up in an orphanage in Nam but when I was a year old this big tough marine came in and scooped me up in his arms and said he was my daddy." Duck watches. Gabby continues, "He took care of me and made a living for us and never let any woman take him away from me."

Shawn asks, "Was this Duck?"

"Weeellll, duuuuhhhh...," says Gabby, "In a lot of ways you're like him. A muscle-brained lout who drinks a lot of beer. For the sake of a kid, you gave up everything, including your own needs. That's about as honorable as you can get."

"There's a fine line between honorable and stupid," says Shawn.

Belle comes downstairs and whines, "Shawn..."

Gabby leaves. Belle said she couldn't get Claire to go to bed until Shawn tucked her in. Shawn takes Claire and says, "I was actually thinking that I would come upstairs and sleep if that's OK with you."


Belle says, "Of course it is." They head upstairs as Gabby watches.

Hope says Chelsea is the one who made her change her mind. Chelsea hugs her and thanks her. Billie walks in and asks what's up. Chelsea says, "Hope just told me that she believes me about the fire."

Billie turns to Hope, "We're really gonna need your support, since I just got off the phone with Bo. He's on his way over. Official business." Hope stares. The brat stares.

Kate tells Phillip Billie rushed out because she got a call from Bo. She answers a knock at the door. EJ says he's not there to crash the party. He is just dropping off a present. Kate invites him in and says to herself, "Well this party might be fun after all."

Celeste intercepts Sami in the hall. She wants to warn her. Sami is frantic, "Lucas will be here any minute."

"Then shut your mouth and listen," says Celeste. She says she heard EJ ask Nick about the lab test, "What have you done, Samantha?"

"I had Nick get me a blank lab report," says Sami, " I'll make it show Lucas is the father." Celeste warns her when EJ finds out she tried to trick him, he will destroy her.

Shawn tucks Claire in. Belle thanks him. She doesn't know what she would do without him.

"I guess you'd just have to find someone else to torture with your manic-depressive mood swings," says Shawn, "I've been thinking about these arguments. They are all my fault. I keep expecting things from you that I shouldn't. Now we'll live for Claire all the Days Of Our Lives."

The brat frets that Bo is coming to take her to jail. Hope says she knows a way to help her. She runs out to check on a hunch.

Billie says she doesn't have to go with her to make the statement if she doesn't want her to. "No, Mom," says Chelsea, "I want you to be there."

Sami says EJ doesn't scare her. "Well, he scares me," says Celeste, "He knows we met in the ladies room. You can't fool him. Surely you can see what you have to do.

"What I have to do," says Sami, "is plan a wedding."

Celeste rages, "Don't walk away from me! Do you hear what I'm saying to you, girl? That bastard from hell deserves to die!" That bastard from hell opens the door and a room full of people yell, "SURPRISE!"

Pan in on the charming Mr. Wells. In the background, we hear John Lennon singing...

You can shine your shoes and wear a suit
You can comb your hair and look quite cute
You can hide your face behind a smile
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside


Chelsea says to Bo, "If you want someone to blame this arson on – Fine – Blame me. I'm always going to be your favorite target. But just know this time you are wrong."

Phillip says, "I'm gonna miss out on being a part of my own family." Lucas says, "Yeah, well, I don't care what you want."

Gabby screams, "Shawn! You're killing him! Quit!" Shawn has some guy down on the floor pounding him.

Sami says, "I'm going back to the party." EJ blocks her, "You're not going anywhere until I find out how you and that third rate gypsy are planning on killing me. You got that?"

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Circular Logic

Belle and Shawn argue about the separate beds. Shawn thinks all of this is nobody's business.

Dr. Kraft holds Steve's meds in front of him and tells him he'd better cooperate or they will slap the restraints back on him. John's ghostly image stands in the background and drools.

Patch says, "I don't want to be a walleyed zombie."

Dr. Kraft asks, "Don't you need two eyes to be walleyed? " She plays the Kayla card. That did it. Steve swills the meds and Dr. Kraft checks out his mouth to make sure he didn't fake it. Kayla comes in as Dr. Kraft leaves. Uncomfortable moment. Steve says he owes her an apology. He was trying to put distance between himself and everyone else. Now he's back there in the loony bin. He asks her to promise she won't tell Stephanie he turned out like this.

Lucas works at his desk. Sami provides a distraction. Will and Chelsea are asleep. Lucas is tickled that the kids are in bed. He doesn't think he's ever been this happy. Lucas decides to stop talking and make out. It's one of the few things that will shut him up. As they get up Lucas discovers the blank amnio report. "This is yours, isn't it," asks Sherlock Holmes. Sami flashes back to her conversation with Nick. Lucas gives her the third degree, "OMG don't tell me this is what I think it is!"

Nick sits at the bar in Chez Rouge and thinks. Willow comes in. She asks about the housing he was supposed to be helping her with. Nick tells her it's only been a couple of hours since they talked about it.

"A couple of DOOL hours," says Willow. "They could have built me a new house by now."

EJ interrupts and asks if there is a problem. "No," says Willow. She turns to Nick as she hightails it, "call me."

EJ and Nick. Intros all around. EJ asks if Nick knows Sami. He wonders if Nick's lab processed the amnio. Nick says he can't help him.

Belle insists she didn't tell Gabby their whole life story. Shawn thinks she might as well have. He thinks she is blowing their cover. Argue, argue, argue. That dead horse has somehow made it to the island. "What's your problem," screams Belle, "Are you afraid you're falling behind on the scoreboard?" Shawn thinks that was a cheap shot. Belle just isn't ready for another relationship. Belle says, "If I'm not ready, It isn't making love. I would just be another Willow to you. Maybe you just need someone who is quick and easy."

Lucas asks if everything is OK with the baby. Sami says yes. She grabbed the form by mistake at her doctor's office. Lucas buys it. He wads it up and tosses it into the wastebasket. Sami hugs him and frets.

Celeste arrives at Chez Rouge. She and Maggie just fall all over each other. Celeste says Abe will be joining her later. She sees Nick and EJ and her smile fades.

Nick says he can't tell EJ about the results. EJ says he wants to give Sami an extravagant baby shower gift. Nick thinks he should wait until the baby is born. Nick says he has heard things about EJ. "No means no, Mr. Wells. If you'll excuse me..."

Nick starts to leave. EJ calls him back, "Trust me. I'll make it worth your while." Celeste watches.

Kayla reminds Steve they've talked about this. Have they ever talked about it. And, by God, they will talk about it again. Take it to the bank. Yammer, yammer, yammer. Blah, blah, blah. The most boring couple in TV takes it to new levels.

EJ wants Nick to keep his eyes and ears open, "Do you think you would look good driving around town in a new sports car?"

Nick says, "Oh, yeah! And how about an apartment with a circular bed and mirrors on the ceiling?" EJ tells him this won't be the last time they meet and leaves. Celeste watches.

Lucas and Sami have a little couch time. Sami thinks they should go into the bedroom. Lucas thinks that's a great idea. Sami goes to lock up. Lucas is so uncontrollably hot for Sami he decides this is a good time to take out the trash. Sami is so uncontrollably hot for Lucas, she decides she should take out the trash herself. Lucas doesn't understand why she should do it since it's his job. Not only is it one of the few things he can handle, but sometimes it's fun to play tricks on the other residents with small incinerator fires. Sami claims she wants to take out the trash because it's part of the nesting phase of being pregnant. It's also part of the stupid phase. Lucas hates to spoil the mood, as if there were a mood, "But I was thinking about EJ and there's something I gotta ask you."

Sami asks, "You don't wanna spoil the mood but you're bringing up EJ?"

Shawn and Belle keep it up. Belle says the two words that Shawn never wanted to hear again, the two words that can stop him in his tracks, the two words that have the same effect as a dagger plunging straight into his heart – she brings up the dreaded purity rings. Shawn staggers across the room and curses the day he ever made that little agreement. Belle reminds him they promised to wait until they were married and never be with anybody else. She says he broke her heart when he left. When she turned to Phillip, the names he called her hurt so much. Shawn takes a knee because he is no longer able to stand, "Things are different now."

"Not everything," says Belle, "Until I know what we have is forever, you can sleep in your own bed."

Patch and Kayla. YAWN!. Kayla knows he loves her and he has used that to manipulate her. Patch moves in, "Come here baby. Come a little closer. You love me. God knows I love you." He kisses her. But it wasn't manipulation. Never.

Maggie tells Nick she didn't realize he knew EJ. Celeste listens as Nick tells her what EJ wanted.

Sami nukes about EJ. Lucas says EJ wants to meet with a representative of "The Knot," an Internet wedding website. EJ thinks Myth-Ick might be interested getting into the Internet wedding business. Sami thinks that's cool. Lucas doesn't think there is a market for it. Translation: go out today and buy stock in Internet wedding companies. Lucas thought Sami could help him research it, since she is a wedding expert. Sami thinks that probably wasn't a compliment. She can't guarantee she will be helpful. Lucas thinks she will. He also thinks every time he brings up EJ, she goes off the deep end. Yeah, like he doesn't. Sami hems and haws. She leaves with the all-important garbage.

Lucas makes a call to Kate. He tells her Sami is going to meet him tomorrow with the website designer and Kate can set up the surprise shower.

Out in the hall, EJ sees Sami going through the trash, "A woman as beautiful as you should not be taking out the trash, Samantha." EJ offers to help. Sami tells him no. She tries to brush him off. EJ asks when the amnio results will be back from the lab.

Patch asks Kayla if that felt real. She thinks it does. She says what matters is what he does, not what he says. "I just showed you," says Steve.

Kayla is skeptical, "You just took your meds."

"If it wasn't for you," says Steve, "I'd be locked up with a cellmate called Bobo. And he'd be locked up with a cellmate called Dumbo." Kayla would rather be with him but wants him to get well.

"What if I can't," asks Patch, "What if what you see is what you get – A drugged out zombie is not the man you love. What if I am like this for all the Days Of Our Lives? Can you live with that?"

Belle doesn't want Shawn to go. She wants him there. "On your terms." says Shawn, "I am not walking away from you. I feel like you are testing me or punishing me."

"Maybe I am," says Belle. Being with Belle is its own punishment.

Belle says she has trusted Shawn with Claire and has followed him everywhere. Shawn doesn't know what to think. One minute they're a happy little family and the next they are fighting. Belle wants to be a real partner. She wants to be treated like an equal. She would have never tried to call her parents if he hadn't ordered her not to. Shawn considers ordering her not to jump out the window.

Time for a bed-check. Gabby brings them pillowcases. After she leaves, Shawn grabs a pile of bedding, "I'm sleeping outside, partner."

Kayla says Steve is the only man she has ever loved – a small victory for men everywhere. Steve goes into zombie mode. She asks if he is OK. He says he fell asleep on her, "It's the meds." Kayla starts to leave. He stops her and asks if he cooperates, will she keep all this from Stephanie.

Kayla wonders if that cooperation includes full disclosure. Steve says it does, and offers to get naked. Kayla isn't amused. She meant full disclosure of who wanted him to snatch John from the hospital. He claims EJ had nothing to do with that, "Leave it alone!"

Sami says EJ will get the results as soon as she does. He says he doesn't trust her. Sami wonders why she should trust him since he is the one who shot John. He says if she really believes he shot John, she should know what he is capable of. She knows he raped her.

Lucas interrupts. EJ leaves. Lucas asks if he was bothering her. Sami says she was just taking out the trash and bumped into him. Lucas wanders back into the apartment. Sami grabs the paper out of the wastebasket as she walks down the hall. EJ comes back out and stares.

Oh boy, Patch and Kayla again. They argue about EJ. Patch tells her he couldn't ever testify against EJ. She says he has no choice.

Willow comes to EJ's door. "I'm sorry," says EJ, "There's no soliciting in this building." He wonders why she knows Nick. Willow says he's just being nice to her. "Well then," says EJ, "Go stay with him." He starts to close the door. Willow wonders what a rich guy like EJ gets out of cheating her. We wonder what a rich guy like EJ is doing living in a run down apartment. EJ says things are tough. He assures her it will all be OK.

Willow says she has done everything he wants her to. She has taken the jewels to every pawnshop in town and nobody will touch them. That should tell you something about Hope's taste in jewelry. Willow begs, "Buy it from me – you have to help me."

Lucas wants to know what EJ wanted. Sami claims he was just being his normal creepy self. Sami thinks once they are married and have their kid EJ will get the picture. Lucas thinks EJ is still interested in her. Sami says she isn't interested in him. Lucas thinks he should remind EJ it's time to move out. Sami tells him to cool it.

"I'm fine," says Sami, "Are you fine?"

"I'm fine if you're fine," says Lucas.

"I'm fine if you're fine," says Sami. A Windows error message appears on the screen: CIRCULAR LOGIC.

On DOOL, circular logic is better than no logic.

Willow says if she can scrape enough money together to get out of town, he'll never see her again. That gets his interest. He invites her in. Willow feels safer right where she is. EJ says, "If I wanted you dead..." He makes a sound like he's slurping in a mouthful of spaghetti and choking on it, "I'd have killed you already."

Belle tells Shawn not to be ridiculous. Shawn doesn't care how it looks. He starts to leave. Belle tells him she really doesn't want him to go. Shawn says, "If anybody asks, I'll tell them it was my idea."

"Fine," snorts Belle, "Go."

Patch tells Kayla if she wants to save the world to start with Stephanie and herself. His loving her puts her in danger, "I'm warning you. You stay away from EJ Wells." Kayla leaves as poor Patch shouts warnings through the window of his cell.

EJ gives Willow the mane of a fence. She thanks him. EJ says, "Willow, if you should ever come here again, you won't need to worry about finding somewhere to live."

"I get it," says Willow.

"I hope you do."

Sami and Lucas romp around the room. Sami says she forgot to take her prenatal vitamins. Lucas goes into the bedroom to wait. Sami unfolds the crumpled up blank test. The phone rings. Sami answers. Celeste tells her they need to talk about EJ. Sami don' wanna. She tells Celeste never to call her again and hangs up. She walks over and stuffs the blank amnio test into a drawer. She wanders around the room some more, "Oh God this has to work." A twisted FF. The special effects are just amazing.



Shawn bounces Claire and says, "I was actually thinking that I would come upstairs and sleep if that's OK with you." Belle says, "Of course it is."

Chelsea says, "Hope just told me that she believes me about the fire." Billie turns to Hope, "We're really gonna need your support, since I just got off the phone with Bo. He's on his way over. Official business."

Celeste says to Sami, "Do you hear what I'm saying to you, girl? That bastard from hell deserves to die!" That bastard from hell opens the door and a room full of people yell, "SURPRISE!"

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

The Diary, The Letter And That Poor Dead Horse

Belle is on the phone trying to make a person-to-person call to Marlena. Shawn nukes and tells her she will get them caught.

The brat packs. Billie wants to know if they can discuss it. She asks her to sty. The brat sees Billie's injured head and gasps. Billie tells her about Steve's escape and the hot pursuit. She claims she had no other choice but to help him. Billie staggers. Chelsea rushes toward her, but She claims she is OK.

Patch sits tied up, slumped over in a chair. Kayla paces. Roman walks in. He says the EMT's are on their way. Roman asks if Kayla is going to be OK. She says yes, "Look at him. When he is sleeping I can pretend he is the same Steve. He could have gotten killed tonight. I don't know what to do anymore." She stops and looks at Roman, "What's that look on your face?"

"There is no easy way to say this," says Roman, "I talked to the DA. The judge wants Steve behind bars tonight."

Kayla says this is crazy. Roman says first they will take him to the hospital and check him out. Kayla thinks this is insane, "He needs help not jail." Roman says Steve has had all kinds of chances to make it right but has blown it every time. Kayla argues. Roman claims he is on her side. He offers to make another appeal to the judge. Kayla thinks maybe they should talk to Dr. Kraft. The boys walk in to take Steve. Kayla insists they take him to the state hospital.

Belle and Shawn argue about the call. Shawn lectures. "Don't talk to me like a child," says Belle.

"Then stop acting like one," says Shawn.

Gabby rushes up and says this is all her fault. Shawn says Gabby didn't know better but Belle did. Gabby offers to take Claire for ice cream while Shawn and Belle "talk things out." Somehow this time it's no big deal for Belle to let Gabby have Claire. They leave. Shawn wants to know why Belle went behind his back. "I miss my mother and I knew you wouldn't understand that."

The brat says Billie could have called. She wouldn't have answered but Billie could have tried. Chelsea goes for aspirin. She wonders what meds Billie had at the hospital. Billie doesn't remember. The brat asks who her doctor was and makes a call.

Billie rummages around and finds Chelsea's diary and reads. "I feel like I've lost the only person who ever cared about me. I want so much to forgive her but I can't. I hate my mom for what she did to me." Billie stares.

Kayla and Roman argue about where to take Steve. Kayla begs for a chance to convince Dr. Kraft. Roman resists, and then caves in. Hugs.

Billie hides the diary as Chelsea comes back and tells her, "They put me on hold. You should hear the music they are playing. It's straight from the eighties. It sounds like it's been put through a blender." Must be the only place on earth not playing "Gravity" over and over these days. She gets a bag of frozen food out of the freezer and gives it to Billie to use for an ice pack. She goes into the next room to take the call.

Billie reads on. I haven't been this scared since the whole Zack thing. I know my dad doesn't believe me, so I'll get blamed for the fire, too. I'm really scared I'm gonna flunk out of school, not that anybody ever thought I would make it anyway, except for maybe Nick. Is he gonna be the only guy that ever says he loves me. Maybe not. Maybe there is a blind guy out there somewhere. I never saw any of this coming. I wish I could talk to my mom about this stuff, but I can't. I don't trust her."

The brat returns and tells Billie the doctor said aspirin is best. She starts to leave. Billie suggests she stay and talk, "I want to fix this. Please don't go."

Shawn says he misses his parents, too. But he wonders if Belle would be happier back home with Phillip hot on the trail of their little girl. Belle is only happy when she's unhappy, "Shawn, you don't understand. We beat Phillip. He probably thinks we're dead right now."

Shawn asks, "Because we shredded up a life raft to throw him off our path? This is Phillip we're talking about. He is never gonna give up." Belle goes off the Richter Scale. She can't live like this. It isn't fair to Claire or their families. Shawn tries to wade through the torrent of tears, "You have to forget about them. This is our life now. You'd better get used to it."

Belle doesn't want to fight any more. Neither does Shawn. They declare a truce. Webster's definition of truce: a cessation of hostilities between two warring parties, usually temporary, in which the blonde gets to keep hammering away at the other person and the other person in question keeps his mouth shut and better damn well like it.

"You have to stop ordering me around," says the blonde. The other person in question will work on it. "And," says Belle, "I don't care how we do it, but we have to get in touch with my Mom."

"Fine," says Shawn, "But no one has gotten through to her in years."

Billie asks the brat to stay. Chelsea resists. Billie offers to make hot chocolate. Chelsea don' wan' no stinkin' hot chocolate. Billie offers to lace it with a little Ecstasy and that does the trick. Chelsea tells Billie she's done some really crummy things to her, and it's more than just her one night stand with Nick, "Do you know what it's like? It's like waking up and finding out your not an adult, but you're a stupid clueless kid." The truth hurts. The brat says she has to go.

Billie begs her to stay and talk things through. She says she'll talk about anything... Nick... her situation with Bo... school.

"School," says the brat, "How did you know about that? I haven't even told Abby."

"Moms just know about these things. Well-read moms, that is.," says Billie, "I’m just asking for a second chance. So what do you say? Will you give me a shot?"

"I'm sorry," says the brat, "I can't. The poor horse here in the living room may still have some life in it. We have to keep beating it until the viewers all run out screaming for mercy."

Dr. Kraft says, "I'm sorry. We couldn't possibly check Mr. Johnson back in here. We've run through our beer budget for the entire year." Kayla can't believe it. She thinks they are punishing a sick man for acting sick. "It's not the acting that's sick," says Dr. Kraft, "It's the writing. You're a physician, so you tell me... How do you help a patient who refuses to be helped?"

The brat says this whole thing would be easier if Billie hated her, "It's like you are two totally different people – the drunken whore and the sober whore. I don't want Billie. I want Mom. If Billie is part of the picture, then I can't do it. She gets up, grabs her things and starts to leave.

Not so fast. She swings the door open and there stands Roman, "Uhh... Chelsea..."

William Shakespeare buries his face in his hands, "Why couldn't I have written dialogue like that?"

Roman asks, "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

The dead horse looks up and says, "It's a good time for me, Roman. I can't take much more."

Roman asks the brat to hang around for a while, "We got some new information about the fire and your dad's house and he asked me to talk to you about it."


Belle continues to rework the definition of "truce." She wants to call her mom. Shawn thinks it's a bad idea. Belle suggests calling Roman. Shawn doesn't want to put the police commissioner in the middle of this. "Can't we at least try," asks Belle.

"I have never given up on a patient," says Kayla, "They usually die first." She and Dr. Kraft go round and round about admitting Steve.

The dead horse lifts its head, "How the hell did I get to this hospital?"

Kayla suggests giving Steve more meds. "Who the hell do you think he is," asks Dr. Kraft, "John Black? " She drags Kayla into Steve's old room and shows her a baggie full of pills. She says after Steve left they found them in the air vent.

Dr. Kraft waves the bag-o-pills around. John wakes up and sniffs, "I guess there is something to live for after all."

They wheel Patch up as the two argue. He pops an eye open and listens. Kayla pulls out all the stops... being in isolation with Steve... his mysterious death all those years ago... his miraculous return... the new fridge she had to buy to hold the beer... the torture of listening to Clay Aiken... all the tragedy and time apart...

Dr. Kraft says, "I didn't realize things were that bad. I mean, having to listen to Clay Aiken... you poor child. I had no idea."

Kayla is on a roll. She begs and pleads. We relive every excruciating moment. The dead horse runs out screaming, "I'm going back to Billie's apartment where things weren't so bad."

Shawn suggests sending confidential letters to the Salem PD. He and Belle walk to the bar and find a pad of paper. Belle begins writing.

Roman questions the brat about the fire. She admits she was at Bo and Hope's house last night. She gives him details. "I wrote Dad a note, slipped it under the door and left. End of story."

"Don't we wish," says the dead horse.

Roman claims they never found a note. Billie cuts him off and suggests he go back and look for the note again. Roman tells her the Salem PD has been all over that house. That's why Billie thinks the note is probably laying there in plain sight. Roman says he knows the brat told Abby she was looking to pick up some quick cash.

"For bus fare," says Chelsea. Roman tells them some of Hope's jewelry is missing.

"I've seen Hope's jewelry," says Billie, "hat stuff wouldn't buy a ticket to East Salem." Billie stops the questioning. The brat claims she's being set up. Billie tells her not to say another word until they get a lawyer and kicks Roman out. Roman says he will arrange for Chelsea to come down and make a formal statement. He tells Billie he wishes they could have kept this in the family. "We could have," she says, "If you and your brother would have had a little more faith in Chelsea." Billie goes over, hugs the brat and tells her they will get through this.

Belle finishes her letter. It didn't take long. Belle doesn't use big words. Shawn thinks it will be a couple weeks before they hear back. Gabby brings Claire back in. They tell her they wrote the letter and ask her to mail it. Gabby is soooooo happy to be able to help.

Belle heads upstairs with Claire. Shawn asks Gabby if she needs anything else. "You are officially off the clock, not to mention your rocker," says Gabby. She thanks Shawn for trusting her with Claire and offers to watch her any time. Shawn follows Belle and Claire upstairs. Gabby contemplates the letter.

Roman comes in and Kayla introduces him to Dr. Kraft. Roman says Marlena is willing to go to bat for Steve. Kayla turns and continues to torture Dr. Kraft right up to the limits that Homeland Security will allow. Finally, Dr. Kraft can't take it any more. She says there better not be any funny business this time. She has to clear it with the administrator. Kayla swears it will be OK this time.

She sits by Steve and tells him they have passed the first hurdle but he has to cooperate, "You have a second chance now. Please don't blow it." Kayla walks over to the door and calls the orderly.

Patch looks over at her, "Sweetness, You're a real pain in the ass. You know that?" Kayla turns and gives him a little smile. The rest of us know it. That's for sure.

The brat says she has to go. Billie asks her to stay. Chelsea refuses. Billie tells her she will always have a home there. The brat goes for her MP3 player. Billie sticks the diary into Chelsea's book bag. The brat comes back and Billie tells her they will get her the best lawyers money can buy. Having the money to buy them with is another issue. Billie says she will go to the station when Chelsea makes her statement. Chelsea tells her to take care of the bump on her head and leaves.

Inside, Billie leans against her door and says, "Oh thank you God for the chance to get my daughter back."

Shawn and Belle come back into their room. Shawn sees the twin beds and asks what that's all about. He blows his stack, "You went behind my back again. You made a promise and broke it just to spite me!"

Gabby picks up the letter, tears it up and tosses it in the wastebasket. FF.


Belle says, "It isn't making love. I would just be another Willow to you."

Lucas says, "I was thinking about EJ and there's something I gotta ask you." Sami asks, "You don't wanna spoil the mood but you're bringing up EJ?"

Patch says, "I'm warning you. You stay away from EJ Wells." Kayla asks, "And would you listen to me if I said the same thing to you?

EJ tells Willow, "If I wanted you dead..." He imitates the sound of the guillotine doing its job... "I'd have killed you already."

Blogarama     Globe Of Blogs