Saturday, March 13, 2010

Batting 1000

Are you in one of those frustrating relationships where you and your significant other are trying to have a child and someone keeps firing blanks?

Folks, there is help out there. You need to talk to the members of Salem's exclusive "Batting 1000 Club." Can you even imagine batting 1000? In 1941, Ted "The Splendid Splinter" Williams became the last major leaguer to bat over .400, and he's considered one of the all-time greats!

Yet .400 is chickenfeed compared to the productivity of today's honored couples, Daniel "Grope and Get Busy" Jonas, Carly "The Black Widow" Manning, EJ "Pretty Boy" DiMera and Sami "Stan The Man" Brady.

That's right, the box score is: Daniel and Carly... one roll in the hay and one kid; EJ and Sami... two romps and two kids. Those are some pretty impressive numbers in any league.

What we seem to have here are four allegedly intelligent adults who have never heard of the two forms of "control" which can significantly lower one's batting average with regard to procreation: birth control and (GOD FORBID!) self control.

Of course, at least in Sami's case, we understand her reluctance to practice birth control because she's a good Catholic... OK, she claims to be a Catholic, and the Catholic Church takes a conservative approach to contraception. What we don't understand, however, is where Sami got the idea the Catholic Church has come out in favor of unbridled fornication that would put a couple of hormone crazed minks to shame.

Anyway, with that said, Prevuze takes time out today to honor these fertile couples who, way before the shoe company said it, invented the motto, "just do it."

Have a great weekend, folks and remember:

If you lose a little self control,
You should use a little birth control,
Otherwise you should be a-waitin'...
Who wants kids like Melanie Layton?

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Anonymous prevuzelover said...

My husband and I should be in that club I have 4 kids and none were planned they were all by not using birth control when I was using it I didn't get pregnant my husband is very fertile his father has like 20 kids! Its crazy

5:27 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

It looks like an exclusive club. But Prevuze forgot some other potential members:

Sami "I Don't Get Much But When I Do I'm Productive" Brady and Lucas "The Mouth" Horton had one roll (not in the hay but on a floor in a Titan board room) and nine months later.....Will. Hey, that makes Sami a three-times champion.

Marlena "Shrink-Wrap" Evans and John "The Pawn" Black certainly had a lot of romps, but it only took one session on a boardroom table after she found out he WASN'T Roman to produce......Belle.
[What is it with boardrooms in Salem?]

Continuing the family tradition, Belle "It's All About Me" Black and Shawn "Motorcycle-Will-Jump-Through-Church-Window" Brady had a literal roll in the hay and produced....Claire.

Last, but not least (as far as I can remember off the top of my head) there's little Mia "Backseat Blondie" and Chad "Too Tall" Peterson-Woods' infamous tryst which begat....Grace.

Salem could bottle its water and balance its budget by selling it as a fertility drug.

Great job, Prevuze. You kicked off a lot of great memories. LOL

6:20 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

My first thought was how far back the Salem tradition goes. Was it just a one-night stand between Looney Laura (Mrs. Mickey) Horton and Bill Out-of-Africa Horton that produced Mike? It's a bit hazy but I wouldn't be surprised.

And supposedly Julie went before Mia in the backseat of the car department and produced her son didn't she? Although the trivia experts will have to research who she was with and what her kid's name is.

Yes, you can always count on Prevuze to make us think and to make us chuckle. You're right - if the family planning centers of Salem want to increase business just put up a couple of posters of Melanie and Belle. HA

Thanks and have a great weekend everyone! :D

6:34 AM  
Anonymous Maggie Mae said...

Don't forget Sure Shot EJ and Nicole's one romp in an elevator.

Let's hope he goes nowhere near Theresa/Arianna.

Can't stand the thought of those two.

Safe and Ejanna, both horrid.

6:43 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

Hmmm... maybe next week I should write a piece about the couples who HAVEN'T been able to produce on the first... um... try. That will, of course, be a much shorter posting.

7:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Prevuze... another HILARIOUS Saturday post! Just what I needed on this rainy, miserable morning... thanks!

7:28 AM  
Anonymous Kiren said...

LMAO -makes my that is depressing..

8:33 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

Maybe all our favorite and not so favorite Salemites thought they had rhythm, and you know what they call a couple using the rhythm method of control - parents.

1:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Poor Rafe, I doubt he knows what big shoes he has to fill.

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bulldog for Laura and Bill it was a rape/one night stand..seriously LOL about the so called "rapes" on soap operas : it's not rape it's drama plot driving BS writing.

1:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At this time Rafe must be STERILE !!
With all their romps, monkey sex or rather grief champagne monkey sex..and no babies ?! The guy is the glitter king of this show but he is STERILE !! lol

1:20 PM  

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