Saturday, December 12, 2009

You Know You're From Salem If...

The last time you died and came back to life, you decided you were probably better off dead.

The voices in your head keep saying the same things over and over again.

Those really weren't dots you saw in front of your eyes. They were brain cells getting away from you.

You've been kidnapped more times than you've gone on vacation.

You can walk on water... not because you're divine, but because there is enough sludge and dead bodies in the main river to support you.

You can fly to Paris and back for lunch, but it takes two hours for an ambulance to get across town.

The babbling sound you hear isn't a brook, but it's (insert character name) having a normal conversation.

You were arrested the last time you tried to buy any kind of birth control device.


Whenever you try to figure out the meaning of a strange word, you first try to see what it spells sdrawkcab.

Your mother keeps giving you that tired old lecture about having carried you for twelve long months.

Your cell phone battery is always dead, unless you don't need the damn thing.

Security at your local hospital consists of a sign that says, "Enter at your own risk."

In your town, God has to grade on a curve.

Your "autobiography" was written by Maggie Horton.

You worked three days last year, and were paid overtime for coming in when you didn't have to.

The only time you see your grandmother is at Bo and Hope's 4th of July party.

Your brother Tommy went upstairs and hasn't come down for 35 years.

You thought you lost your virginity in an elevator, but later found out there is no such thing as a virgin in town.

You were switched at birth, married a close relative and then became someone else.

You love your spouse more than anything and know that you were meant to be together for all the Days of Your Lives. Between affairs.

You lost your leg in the war and it grew back.

The only people with real jobs in town are babysitters.

You haven't met your long lost child but just know she will hate you.

Half the times a woman gets pregnant in town, the sports complex winds up with a missing basketball.

The local MENSA club only requires an IQ of 12 to get in.

To save space on her Christmas tree, the town matriarch replaced all the bulbs with names with one that just says "Bozos."

It turns out your surrogate children weren't space aliens after all.

It took a long time to get your college degree because it's hard to print on those little matchbooks.

Like sands through the hourglass, so go the cells of your brain.

You used to be a world famous race driver and worked your way up to busboy.

The families in your town are more inbred than the House of Windsor.

Your father is rich beyond anyone's wildest dream and loves you more than anything, but you get to live in a two-bit hovel.

You and your entire family just moved in from a place called Harmony.

You once completely lost your mind but, thank God, later found the disc.

The only guy in town you haven't had sex with is your brother. Instead, the two of you have decided to wait until you get married.

You made your own license plate.

You really know how to charm women with lines like, "You're better in bed than your mother."

You think the seventh commandment is, "Thou shalt not commit too much adultery."

Gunfire interrupted your wedding.

There is a direct Internet link between your bedroom and YouTube.

(WARNING! This might actually be SFW – Safe For Work – but watching it would be hard to explain if your boss caught you, now wouldn't it?)

video

Important information regarding the video posted above: CENSORED.

All elevators are equipped with beds and candles.

You're rich and powerful enough to get a criminally insane prostitute to marry you.

Your Ham Radio antenna came from an underwire bra.

Instead of Facebook, you keep track of your friends on "America's Most Wanted."

When you heard your gardener say he had done "some plowing in the garden with a cheap hoe," you fired him for having an affair with your wife.

Your former wives have all tried to kill you, and some of them have been successful.

In your town, the gestation period for elephants and humans is the same.

The fire department issues each firefighter his own Supersoaker.

The only reasons you won't date your uncle are he's rich, good-looking and successful.

The priest who performed your exorcism when you were possessed by the devil took one look at your honkers and asked to be released from his priestly vows.

When caught being unfaithful to your wife in a gas-filled pit, you have successfully used the excuse, "I thought I was with you."

You don't remember losing your virginity, but you got pregnant anyway.

The town mortuary not only sells caskets but also sells water heaters.

People immediately recognize you even though you've had a complete face transplant.

You hit your head on a rock years ago, went into a coma, and haven't missed a thing.

You've been called a slut more times than you've had sex.

Your embryo traveled to places your mother has never seen.

And the number one reason you know you're from Salem...

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If it's the last thing you do you're going to find the maniacs responsible for Prevuze and make them pay.

Make it a great weekend, gang. We'll see you on Monday.

NOTE – you can now follow Prevuze on twitter at: http://twitter.com/prevuze

Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews, which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE


15 Comments:

Anonymous Berg said...

Without Prevuze we would be .... actually doing some work?

You lost your leg in the war and it grew back. Hysterically funny. He doesn't even limp anymore.

The second censored link totally got me - I did watch it twice. The first time because I blindly click on anything the second time was to see if I really heard the cheesy music the first time.

5:39 AM  
Blogger Firstfall said...

You once completely lost your mind but, thank God, later found the disc.

Your former wives have all tried to kill you, and some of them have been successful.


You out did yourself today! Loved it all, especially the two above. I really needed a laugh this morning, so thank you! :)

5:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG This was freakin better than Letterman!!!!! Yes I did click on the link so guess I'm a perv too. You are so much fun. always have to come back, just to check out the insane humor, love it.

6:35 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

What a bonanza this morning! A solid posting of great prevuisms, pictures, censored links, words spelled sdrawkcab, and, an appearance of one of my personal heroes - Fred Frump.

I can now start the weekend with a lilt to my voice, a bounce to my step, and a few less brain cells.

Thanks Prevuze!

6:55 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

My favorite:Like sands through the hourglass, so go the cells of your brain.

I liked the moments in history snuck into the list like Tommy going upstairs and never hearing from him again, Marlena possessed, the fake baby bump...

Thanks, what a super Saturday edition! I look forward to Monday and seeing what can be added to the list next year. HA

Happy Weekend Prevuze and readers! :D

7:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was another great Saturday special. Gotta love 'you lost a leg in the war and it grew back' not to mention, 'you're better in bed than your mother'. Just freaking hysterical. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Like sands through the hourglass, we'll be a Prevuze fans all the days of our lives, missing brain cells included.
-Cookie-

7:58 AM  
Blogger Gerri said...

OMG, you are too funny!!! You missed your calling - you should be a comedian [or a DOOL writer!!]

9:19 AM  
Anonymous judy said...

Due to the scarcity of local locksmiths, anyone can and will barge in to your house anytime.

10:48 AM  
Blogger petrea said...

As there are no locksmiths in Salem, anyone can and will barge into your house at anytime -- usually just in time to butt into your personal life, or to kidnap someone dear to you.

10:51 AM  
Blogger petrea said...

As there are no locksmiths in Salem, anyone can and will barge into your house, either to interfere in your sex life or kidnap someone dear to you.

10:53 AM  
Blogger petrea said...

As there are no locksmiths in your town, anyone can and will barge into your house at any time, usually to intrude in your sex life or kidnap someone dear to you.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Judy said...

there are no locked doors anywhere, meaning that anyone can and will barge into your house at any time to intrude in your sex life or kidnap your child.

11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of the Salemites live in glass houses. Locking their doors will not keep them safe when any old rock can bring the entire place down on their heads.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

You're rich and powerful enough to get a criminally insane prostitute to marry you.

Only is Salem could Kate and Nicole be married so often.

I opened the censored link very cautiously because I was expecting to be Rick Roll'd. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a queen-sized bed and Philanie doing it.

What a wonderful way to tide me over until Monday morning for my usual Prevuze fix!

2:12 PM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

I opened the censored link very cautiously because I was expecting to be Rick Roll'd.

Dang! Another missed opportunity goes up in smoke. Oh, well. April Fool's day will Rick Roll around soon enough.

4:02 AM  

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