Dirty Sleazebag

Stephanie is all shook up. She comes to Steve and Kayla's door. Steve answers. She tells him she didn't know where else to go and she could really use a hug right now. Patch hugs her, "Oh, baby. I gotcha."

I'm not sure if Sami spends more time in the hospital or at the altar, but she's back in the hospital. She tells Lucas she can't get her mind off the folio. However, Julie has sent over the Colleen-Santo letters and she thinks it would be a nice distraction to read them. Lucas don' wanna. He's says he's sick of every last DiMera. Right at that moment, the DiMera he's most sick of walks in. "I'm terribly sorry," says EJ, "I obviously came at a bad time."

Tony is with Stefano. Bo comes in and asks Tony to go out into the hall to talk. Out there, Bo tells him Rolf is insisting on having Stefano released immediately, "But I need Stefano here, in the hospital. Can you help me? I need him someplace where I can get to him easily."

Tony asks, "Why?"

Bo says, "I'm gonna kill him."

Tony's head practically does a 360, "Bo! Are you out of your mind?"

"Yeah," says Bo, "But that's beside the point. I'm not really going to kill him this time. We stage a funeral and when Andre comes in, we nab him." Tony says Andre knows the Bradys are not cold-blooded killers. Bo insists he's wrong, "If it weren't for this badge I'd have killed him many times."

"On this show you'd have to," says Tony, "the way people keep coming back from the dead." Tony tells him if they are going to pull this off, Bo has to find someone Andre would believe is capable of murder, "I have the perfect candidate."

"Who?"

"Steve 'Mad Dog' Johnson."

Meanwhile Mad Dog hugs the little snot we sometimes refer to as Stephanie. She says she didn't want to run to him, but couldn't think of anyone else to dump on. She tells him about Jeremy's smuggling operation.

"Well," snorts Patch, "I guess we know what that's about." Stephanie tells him Jeremy really thought he was helping the girls have a better life.

"Go ahead and yell," says Stephanie. Patch says there will be no yelling. "Go ahead," she yells, "Tell me I was acting like some airhead running around thinking he was some perfect guy..."

"You're not an airhead," says Patch, "There is no air in a vacuum." He asks if she knew about any of this. She says no and tells him it's OK if he says 'I told you so.' Patch hugs her, "I don't wanna do that. I love you a lot more than I love being right."

"I love you, too, Papa."

"I don't love you more than I hate being called Papa, though," he says. He asks her to promise to steer clear of Jeremy until they know what is going on.

Lucas tells EJ it's always a bad time when he shows up. EJ says he's there to thank Lucas for saving him. He reaches out to shake Lucas' hand. Lucas doesn't take the bait, "Yeah, well, I regret it already."

Lucas gets a call from Kate. He leaves to talk to her. EJ says he didn't mean to set Lucas off. He asks about the babies. Sami assures him they are OK and asks him to leave. Lucas comes back and says Kate is afraid Andre is after her. He's going to go over there to watch. He drags EJ out of the room as he goes. Outside, he tells EJ to stay away from Sami. "Well," says EJ, "All right. It's time for my sponge bath anyway." They go their separate ways, but EJ sneaks back into Sami's room.

Sami tells him he shouldn't try to get under Lucas' skin since Lucas saved his life. "I have no intention of getting under Lucas' skin," says EJ, "in case our kiss in the steam room didn't refresh your memory."

"What kiss," asks Sami, "What are you talking about?"

We flash back to the CPR, "You felt the passion. I didn't just imagine that."

Lucas meets Kate in the pub. She's wearing sunglasses and says she's trying to be inconspicuous. She tells him she was leaving earlier today and nearly plunged to her death because the elevator shaft was open. Lucas disowns her for not dying. Lucas wants to contact the police, but for some reason Kate thinks that would play right into Andre's hand. Lucas offers to have her stay with them. "Stay with you and Sami," asks Kate, "Death by elevator shaft is looking pretty good compared to that."

Sami thinks EJ's time in the steam room sucked out all his brain cells. "I felt your lips on mine and I mustered the strength to kiss you with all the life I had left. And the second kiss, right before I woke up, was the best I've ever had." Sami insists she doesn't want him. She loves her husband. He tells her he knows she does not believe that. Sami huffs.

Bo doesn't know if he wants to involve Steve since he just put his life back together. Tony says the best way to help Steve is to let him destroy the people who did this to him. Abe walks up and says Roman told him about Bo's scheme. Bo says Tony thinks Patch would be the ideal triggerman. Abe wonders what would happen if Patch flips out again. Bo thinks he can handle it. Abe tells him he'd better be damn sure of that before he puts Steve into play again.

Lucas suggests Kate use Roman for help. She says Roman isn't her biggest fan these days because she told him about her little business transaction with Stefano. Lucas says he isn't judging Kate. He knows what Kate gave up to raise him. Kate is grateful.

Sami insists she doesn't love EJ and doesn't want him. "I respect your feelings," says EJ, "I just respect your fantasies even more." Sami protests and round and round we go. "You're a pig," shouts Sami.

"Thank you," says EJ, "That's the Samantha I know and love."

The snot insists Jeremy can fix this. Patch tells her not to waste her sympathy on the guy. Stephanie tells Patch Jeremy loves her and he meant it when he said it. "Of course he does," says Patch, "You'd have to be a damn fool not to fall head over heels in love with you. And judging by Jeremy, it looks like even a damn fool can do it."

A nurse interrupts the conversation about Steve's capability to walk across the street without whacking out. She takes Tony off to talk about his father's prognosis. Abe says, "If you don't think Steve will crack, I'll green light the sting, but you still have to run this by Kayla. If you think I'm tough to convince, she'll be damn near impossible." Down deep, Abe really doesn't think it's a good idea, but he loves to talk like a cop and say things like, "green light the sting."

Tony tells Stefano, "The surgery was a great success, except for the fact that you lived. You're going to be fine." Rolf announces he's having Stefano released into his care. Tony thinks that's foolish, "You have to stay in the hospital just in case there is something wrong." Stefano thinks he'd be a fool to trust Tony. He wonders what brought about Tony's change of heart. "Despite all the threats we've hurled at each other," says Tony, "I remain your son."

Stephanie says she wants to stick with Jerko, but this time she won't be so trusting. She asks, "Will you help him if he needs it?"

"I'll help you," says Patch, "If that helps Jeremy, it helps Jeremy."

"You are the best." Hugs.

"Just remember, it's not your job to fix his life," says Patch.

"Isn't that what you do when you love somebody," she asks.

"Yeah," says Patch, "And if the guy you love is a writer, you try to fix bad dialog like this, too." Stephanie says she has to go. He tries to convince her to stay and see Kayla, but no dice. "I got your back," says Patch, "Nobody messes with my little girl."

Just as Stephanie leaves, Kayla comes out. She says she thought she heard Stephanie, but Patch tells her she just missed her. He tells Kayla Jeremy is in trouble but claims he can get himself out of it, "Don't worry baby, I'm on top of it."

Bo arrives. We hear crying. Patch looks toward the bedroom door, "Is that me or you, Sweetness?"

"It's Pocket," says Kayla, "I'll get it, but just wait to talk until I get back." Patch says they will wait. Kayla leaves and the dynamic duo launch right into their discussion.

Bo tells him Tony is on board with their plan to smoke out Andre, "In fact he came up with the perfect assassin. That would be you, my friend." Patch laughs.

We pan up from a quadruple martini. Kate comes back to the table. Lucas says he ordered it for her. Kate refuses it, "No alcohol."

"Then you must be scared," says Lucas. Kate insists she's fine. Lucas says he wants to help because she is his mother and he loves her. "Please mention that at my eulogy," says Kate. Lucas says no one is going to kill her. He's reserving that honor for himself the next time he disowns her.

Roman walks up behind her, "You could always go back to sleeping with the enemy." Roman knows Kate can fend for herself but he's there to butt in anyway. He says they have inspected the elevator shaft.

"Did they find anything," says Kate.

"The grease spot you left on the floor," says Roman. Kate accuses Andre. Roman says they don't know if it was him yet, "But if it wasn't you can sue the owners of the building and the money will come in handy when the IRS comes knocking." Kate is thrilled her life is such a source of amusement for Roman. Roman tells her there is nothing amusing about almost losing her, "Because some people just make the world a much more interesting place. Better, no; interesting, yes."

Sami wants EJ to leave. He tells her life is about taking chances, "You know whom we are and what it takes to make both of us happy no matter how much you try to deny it."

Roman says he isn't happy with either of them for their part in the scheme to get the folio from Andre. "What is this," says Kate, "The witness protection program?"

"Are you a witness," asks Roman.

"No," says Kate, "I'm a helpless victim."

Roman laughs at the thought of Kate being helpless, but not at the thought of Andre being after her, "I have an idea – stay at my place." Lucas' eyebrows hit the ceiling and a couple of ceiling tiles come crashing down.

"You can't be serious," says Kate.

"Somebody has to help you," says Roman, "And in the process, maybe I'll help myself, too."

Stefano asks for a moment alone with Tony. Stefano says he dreamed he was in his bed helpless and the Bradys murdered him in cold blood, "Get me out of here, Tony, please." Tony says he will see what he can do. He says he will always be a DiMera.

"What does that mean," asks Stefano.

"It means, in the end my loyalty will always be to you."

Patch is stoked. He can't believe Bo trusts him after he threatened to destroy the liver. Bo says that's why they need him. Andre would believe Patch would do something like this, but not a Brady, "unless you don't want to do it."

"You think I would pass up the starring role in this," asks Patch, "I'm in." Bo worries this might awaken Patch's demon. Patch assures him there is nothing to worry about. He says he will talk to Kayla and let him know. Kayla comes out and overhears. Bo the coward scoots, as Kayla wants to know what is going on.

Patch says he and Bo were just "kicking around life." He feels good about the fact that Pocket is safe under his roof and his daughter thinks what he says matters. "Are you sure you're all right," asks Kayla.

"I think I'm better than all right," says Patch, "I think I'm happy."

Kayla is happy if he is happy. He flops her down on the couch and goes for more happiness. She pushes him away and wants to know what's going on. He tells her he was angry at the hospital, but his head was clear. He wasn't being controlled. He doesn't want her to be afraid of what happened there, "I'm going to be a little involved with Bo's scheme to get Andre. Sweetness, you're going to hate it."

Tony insists he's family. "Then you are ready to be a true son," says Stefano, "You are my eldest, which means you are the child closest to my heart."

"I wasn't very close on that remote island for 20 years," says Tony.

"If you will protect me," says Stefano, "I will reward you with everything I have. I want you, Tony, to carry on the DiMera legacy."

Tony kisses him, "It would be an honor, Father. Could we get something in writing? "

Sami is reading the Colleen-Santo letters. EJ grabs them from her. She reaches for them, but he holds them away, "Technically, these belong to both of our families."

"Technically," says Sami, "Your grandfather was a dirty sleazebag."

"And I assume Colleen was a saint."

"She was under Santo's spell," says Sami.

"I see," says EJ, "So that's what it is to fall in love."

"Something caused this mess," says Sami.

"Something called bad writing," says EJ.

"Love shouldn't cause this much pain," says Sami.

EJ thinks that's a myth. He thinks love is often the greatest cause of pain, second only to the drudgery of watching this drivel. Sami thinks Santo should just have left Colleen alone. EJ says he will give the letters back to her on the understanding they read them together, "Do we have a deal?" Sami scowls.

Kate asks, "Do I have to do your laundry?"

"I know my way around a washing machine," says Roman, Washing machine, yes; police station, no. Lucas backs him up and Roman gives Kate the key, "What are friends for?" Lucas offers to help Kate pack her things. He leaves to call Sami and tell her he will be a while.

Kate asks Roman why he is doing this. "Why do you think, Kate," asks the horny little devil.

Sami grabs for the letters again and says she will be reading them with Lucas. EJ tells her Santo and Colleen aren't too different from Sami and him. "Oh, yeah," says Sami, "People confuse me with a nun all the time." EJ says they are two very different people who were drawn together. Sami insists she isn't drawn to EJ. Her cell phone ends the tedium. Lucas tells her he has to help Kate move her stuff into Roman's place. Sami's heart monitor goes off the scale. Lucas says he will explain later and asks if EJ came by again. Sami does what Sami does best... LIE, LIE, LIE.

EJ hops into bed with Sami. He wants to read the letters, "I'd like a few pointers from my grandfather."

"Pointers on what?"

"Pointers on how you persuade the woman you're in love with that she's really in love with you."

Kayla goes off the deep end. She can't believe what Patch and Bo have cooked up behind her back. Patch insists there are no Bradys who are cold-blooded killers. Mad Dog Brady tells Mad Dog Johnson, "I could kill him in cold blood because of what he did to you."

Patch says, "You know what, baby, that's the thing. There's the motive. I've got more reason to kill him than anybody."

Kayla thinks it's too risky. He says nothing will happen, but this is the only way he can see to protect the people he loves. But if she says no, he won't do it. She asks if it is OK if she's scared. "Baby, I'm scared too. But how 'bout if we scare them for a change." Kayla hugs him and says she doesn't want to lose him again.

Bo finds Tony in the hallway. Tony tells him about Stefano's dream. He says he thinks they are going to release Stefano tomorrow. The doctors think he needs more time in the hospital, but the insurance company is calling the shots, "I have to tell you Bo, things were a lot simpler on the island. But the people are a lot simpler in Salem." Bo asks if he is having second thoughts. Tony says no.

"Good," says Bo, "Because Stefano DiMera is going to have to die... tonight."


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