Wednesday, May 02, 2007

The Ratbag

Belle walks over to Claire's crib and says, "You've had a long day, baby girl. You know, I was thinking..."

Claire interrupts, "OH, HEAVEN HELP US! NOT AGAIN!"

Belle goes on to say she's been on the run longer than she's been walking, but probably won't remember any of it. She and Shawn will tell her all about it as soon as she is old enough to understand. Gabby knocks. She wants Shawn to check out the GPS. Belle tells her Shawn isn't there. Gabby takes the opportunity to try to get closer to Belle. Belle hasn't seen Phillip lately but she knows he is watching. Gabby tells her to let her know if there is anything she can do. "There is something you can do," says Belle, "Let me have the passkey to Phillip's room."

Phillip and Duck trade war stories. "So then," says Phillip, "The MPs came in and all the girls ran. HAR-HAR-HAR GUFFAW-GUFFAW!" Duck orders more beer. Duck wants to know why Shawn talked trash about Phillip since Phillip is such a war jock. Shawn walks away. Phillip tells Duck he and Shawn used to be close, but a girl became between them – his daughter. Nature calls. Duck answers.

Phillip tells Shawn they have some talking to do. Shawn tells him he's not his friendly barkeep. Phillip says it's the end of the line for him. Shawn says he has a family to protect.

Phillip walks away. Shawn reaches in his pocket and pulls out a bottle o' pills, "Sweet dreams..."

The doctor tells Sami she can go home. He leaves. Lucas tells her he's going to back off about EJ. He takes each of her fingers and kisses them and counts his blessings as he does, "The baby's healthy... Will's healthy... The green wedding is progressing nicely... I found my lucky dress shoes... I haven't lost my job yet this week... This time I may be married more than a week... My new Cap'n Whiz Bang Practical Joker's Kit just arrived... Lucas swears they really are getting married this time.

Kate snoops outside the room, "Sami, you're just a heartbeat away form losing everything. She starts to go inside.

EJ comes up behind her, "Darling, I wouldn't do that."

Belle wants to take a look around Phillip's room to figure out what his plans are. She wants Gabby to be the lookout. "If Phillip comes, you can stall him."


"You know how," says Belle, "If you give me the key I'll wipe the slate clean. We will be even. I'll forget you tried to lure Shawn into bed." Gabby hands over the key. She refuses to play lookout and will say Belle lifted the key if she gets caught. Gabby goes downstairs. Belle heads for Phillip's room.

Downstairs, Gabby tells Shawn she gave the GPS to Belle, as Phillip and Duck yuk it up. Shawn goes over the family relationships with Gabby. Phillip and he used to be like brothers. He tells her he and Belle are leaving tonight, "And you're gonna help us."

EJ says he got a call from Celeste, who said Kate took something. Kate shows him the photo of him and Sami in Lexie's car. "I agree," says EJ, "The guy in that photo does bear a resemblance to me, right down to the big "L" on his forehead." Kate says it was taken the night John was shot. EJ asks, "So, what are you going to do, Sherlock? What do you think you have?"

"Guilt," says Sherlock, "Proof that you and Sami were accomplices. In a few minutes I'm going to blast that bitch out of my son's life forever."

EJ says, "I can't let you spoil my plans."

Sami dresses and goes over everything they have to do. Lucas thinks it's special they conceived the child the very first night they were together, "Our love was meant to be. Our baby is all that matters to me. I wish you felt the same way."

Belle drags Phillip's duffle bag back to her room. She rummages through it and finds a picture of Phillip and Claire. Then she hits pay-dirt – Phillip's PDA. Belle, of course, can't figure it out, "Dang! And all I wanted to do was play Freecell." She stuffs things back into the bag and drags it back out into the hall.

Shawn shows Gabby the bottle o' pills and says he found them. Gabby tells him they are Duck's sleeping pills, "They will put you out faster than an episode of DOOL."

"I need you to slip him a Mickey," says Shawn.

"You and Belle are big on asking for handouts, aren't you."

Duck orders more beer. Shawn hands Gabby the pills and thanks her. Shawn heads upstairs, but turns for a gripping staredown with Phillip.

Lucas tells Sami tomorrow will be their first dance as husband and wife. Sami, once again, has something she just has to tell him. Yawn. It's her wedding gift to him. As usual she hems and haws, "I want you to know how much you mean to me. My meltdowns and mood swings didn't have anything to do with you. I love you, need you, count on you. You were right. No matter what happens, our love is strong enough to make it through. Of course if that were really true, I wouldn't have to do all this beating around the bush."

Lucas says, "Can you run through that part about me being right again?" They giggle and smooch and then Lucas asks, "Why are you in a constant state of high anxiety?"

Sami says, "Look at the possessive nitwit I'm engaged to."

Lucas says, "I'm talking about your anxiety about my mom."

Kate threatens to show the photo to Roman and Abe. EJ dares her to go ahead and do it. His lawyers will take care of it. It's not EJ, but Sami Kate wants to bury. He advises her not to do that. She is being foolish to cross him. he doesn't want what he has planned for Sami and Lucas to go down the tubes because of Kate.

Kate says he doesn't scare her. EJ respects that, "Stop being a mother. If I hurt your son enough maybe he won't run back to Samantha. If you show him this photo you will force him into a corner. You will force him to defend Samantha. You will give her time to come up with excuses. Lucas will believe her and not you. Give me the photo."

Shawn returns to his room. Belle has him lock the door. She tells Shawn she searched Phillip's room.

"You're crazy," says Shawn.

"This is no time for you to try to sweet-talk me," says Belle. She shows him the PDA. She says she found emails between Phillip and EJ. Shawn doesn't understand what EJ wants with them. He decides he has to talk to Phillip. Belle says that will cause trouble for Gabby.

Gabby declares closing time. Duck has to go get the mail pouch ready. Phillip doesn't want him to forget the stuff they talked about. Gabby invites Phillip to stick around for a while. Phillip says he has nothing to say to her. Gabby stops him and says she read him wrong. That got his attention. Gabby apologizes for getting the wrong idea about him. Phillip swills his beer.

Sami tells Lucas she will work hard to see that Kate doesn't bother her any more, because she believes in him and their family. She asks him to freeze-frame this moment. She wants him to remember how much she loves him. She wants him to hold this moment in his heart forever so he can wrap himself in it if anything threatens to pull them apart. FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST FREAKIN' TELL HIM, SAMI! OK... excuse me a moment while I go take my meds...

Kate wants to know what's in it for EJ. He tells her to trust him and let him take care of it. Kate gives him the picture. She wants to know what he is plotting.

Shawn insists he has to talk to Phillip. Belle worries about Gabby. Shawn promises he will do his best to keep her out of trouble.

"Be careful," says Belle, "Phillip isn't stupid."

"Hey," says Shawn, "I can match wits with him. I'm smarter than the average plant."

Claire sits in her crib and thinks, "An insult to plants everywhere."

Shawn promises her a big house with a garden and a toy chest all her own, "We should stick together as a family, and nothing can tear us apart. Unless Willow jumps bail and I have to run off after her and my kid." Shawn leaves.

Gabby continues her endless apology. Gabby thinks Duck loves her the same way Phillip loves Claire. Phillip says he accepts the apology but asks, "Why are you trying so hard to keep me down here. Are you buying time while Shawn is upstairs ransacking my room?"

Shawn comes up and sits down with them, "I know you and EJ bugged my parents' house. I know why you did it, but what's with EJ?"

Phillip catches on and laughs, "Hope you had a blast reading my PDA." He thanks Gabby, "Nice playing head games with you. You're not very good at it, but you're good looking, so I'll spot you some points."

Phillip tells Shawn he wouldn't put it past EJ to be on his way to the island right now. He advises him to get out now, "I'll charter a boat. All it will cost you is Claire."

"No deal," says Shawn.

"Good luck," says Phillip, "And good night, island girl." Phillip leaves.

Shawn asks, "He drank the whole beer?"

Gabby says, "The ratbag almost got away, but I brought him back around." Shawn tells her as soon as Phillip falls asleep, he and Belle are out of there.

Belle opens the door. Phillip stands there. She tries to slam it shut, but Phillip blocks it and walks in. Belle tells him he is scaring Claire, "She doesn't remember you."

"She will once we spend time together," says Phillip. He asks to kiss Claire goodnight. Belle refuses. Phillip takes her. He tells her they will make up for lost time. Shawn walks in. Stare, stare, stare.

Shawn takes Claire. Phillip tells him the time is coming when she will be with him. Phillip turns to leave and staggers. Shawn asks, "Did you hoist a few to many with Duck?"

"Jet lag," says Phillip.

"Maybe you should sleep it off," says Shawn.

"You'd like that," says Phillip, "I'll be posted outside that door." He leaves.

Outside, Phillip shakes his head and sits on the floor, "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Lucas tells Sami to relax. They argue about who is the luckiest. He is because he trusts her. Sami don' wanna talk about it anymore. Smooches.

Forty is the new thirty... Tap is the new designer water... Small is the new big... The blog is the new resume... Vegetarian is the new Prius... Old is the new new... Fake is the new real... Awake is the new asleep... Microsoft is the new IBM... Google is the new Microsoft... Google is the new borg... Yahoo is the new Google... Bread is the new chocolate... The individual is the new group... Platinum is the new silver... Green is the new red, white and blue... Vegas is the new Hollywood... Arizona is the new Vegas... Amnesia is the new bliss... Free is the new cheap... Sick is the new dead... Ten is the new fifteen... Security is the new freedom... Actual is the new virtual... Fission is the new fire... Apathy is the new nihilism... Cycling is the new golf... World of Warcraft is the new golf... File sharing is the new email... White is the new port... Scalable is the new fast... Aspirin is the new wonder drug... Tactical is the new strategic... Five million is the new million... Vietnam is the new India... A gadget bag is the new man purse... Podcasting is the new Napster... Television is the new movies... Pregnant is the new sexy... Water is the new oil... Ugly is the new beautiful... Prevuze & coffee is the new breakfast... and on DOOL...


Kate badgers EJ. He tells her to be patient, "Everybody cries at weddings. Don't forget your handkerchief tomorrow."

Lucas wheels Sami out into the hall and runs into Kate and EJ. All the smiles melt.

Belle tells Shawn Phillip barged in and took Claire. Shawn says it doesn't matter. They're outta there. He tells her about tranquing Phillip. Shawn peeks outside. Phillip is comatose. "Goodbye old buddy," says Shawn, "Tonight we lose you for good." The kiddie corps makes its exit. Phillip sleeps.

Lucas wonders what Kate and EJ are doing there. EJ says they are there to see how Sami is doing. Lucas wonders if they are playing with matches again, "Smells like smoke to me."

"What are you talking about," asks EJ.

PrevuzeLucas chuckles, "Don't you mean what the blazes are we talking about?" He pulls the fire extinguisher off the wall, "This is for Sami, the baby and me." He presses the button. A cloud fills the room, and covers EJ and Kate with dust.

Sami cackles. Lucas says, "The lesson of the day is – those who play with matches usually get burned. He and Sami roar with laughter as he wheels her out. Lucas plans his next move. He isn't quite sure what it will be, but he knows it involves a flaming bag of dog poop.

EJ asks if Kate is OK. Kate says she is. EJ says, "It's going to be such a rich pleasure breaking your son's heart." He walks off. Kate stands there looking like she just came out of an exploding vacuum cleaner bag.


EJ says to Kate, "I want to know where Phillip is. Now, that doesn't sound like such an unreasonable request, does it?"

Phillip says to Shawn, "We'll find a way to work out shared custody. You agree and we'll end this whole thing tonight – over and done with. What do you say?" Belle holds Claire and looks on.

Patch holds Adrienne and says, "If there is a Kayla... then maybe I am not one of them."

Bo says, "If I have to I'll break in there and bust him out myself." Kayla says, "You can't do that. They will arrest you and throw you in jail." Bo says, "So what? He'd do it for me."


Anonymous Law Student 2011 said...

hmmmm coffee and prevuze, my favorite breakfast.....

4:30 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

DOOLism of the day:
"Be careful," says Belle, "Phillip isn't stupid."
I don't even have to add a comment to that one, it speaks for itself.

So Shawn and Belle are leaving? Yesterday they didn't have enough money to "rent a kayak" but today they are financially solvent and ready to go? Did they lift Phillip's Gold AmEx card (anyone else notice the product placement there?).

Now just as I know there is no crying in baseball, I also know there is no logic in daytime soaps. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT....
Wouldn't Kate showing Lucas the picture of Sami and EJ in the car PROVE that Sami was an UNWILLING participant? After all in the pic she is crying hysterically, (okay okay, when is she NOT crying hyserically), and IF (please God please) she decides to tell Lucas the truth at that point, that picture could be her ace in the hole as it were.

OH and who did't LOVE seeing Judi Evans struggle to play Adrienne without morphing into Bonnie?
There was once or twice you could see it in her face and hear it in her voice, especially when she said "whatever it takes".

5:40 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

In the previews today we have Patch saying, "If there is a Kayla... then maybe I am not one of them." Now, we understand this hardly makes any sense at all, but that was the best we could do. We checked the closed captioning, but all it had was the second half of what he said, "then maybe I am not one of them." We ran the sequence through our speech recognition software and it conclusively determined what Patch actually said was, "Mumfl ablixiz zmlpqw slpfrd... then maybe I am not one of them." We believe his statement may actually translate to, "Why did they bring me back from the dead for this lame story line..."

6:20 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

Thanks for that clarification, Prevuze. I thought maybe my caffeine just hadn't kicked in yet.

Whatever end-of-the-episode suspense the show may have been going for by making it look like Belch were going to escape from Philip was nicely undermined by the previews showing Phil talking to Shawn. And they wonder why ratings are going down (fabulous "ratings monitor" by the way!).

And, pardon me while I wipe away the tears running down my cheeks from laughing, LOVED the Censored Link picture.

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Marci said...

What is a ratbag?

8:03 AM  
Blogger Bulldog said...

I realize this doesn't have much relevance in Salem but is it a.m. or p.m.? If it's evening and tomorrow is the wedding shouldn't they all be at a rehearsal/dinner?
And in spite of all the big planning Lucas keeps saying Sami has done when has she ever had time to do that what with burning down the cabin and all? Yet next month when tomorrow comes everything at the wedding will be perfect.

Loved the separated at birth picture. And a moving picture AND forbidden link at the same time! My day was made right there.

Great Prevuze!!

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Am I the only one that thinks that in the real world Lucas could be arrested for that little stunt or fired since it was his boss he did it to?

9:09 AM  
Anonymous MomofDNA said...

I'm pretty sure at this point, a Sami Brady wedding can be put together quite quickly, green or not. Don't they need to just fill in the name of the current victim, er, groom?

And I agree about what Lucas did. What was the point of it anyway?

9:15 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

What is a ratbag?

Uh... A bag full of rats? A bag that holds rats? An implication that Phillip's body is merely a container for a rat? A bag Phillip carries to hold his body parts, which frequently fall off? Or... My personal favorite, and given the anagram-mania on this show, it is a bagtar, which is a musical instrument that is a cross between bagpipes and a guitar, also known as gitpipes.

Ergo, ratbag = gitpipes.

11:27 AM  
Anonymous El Regrs said...


On the "I hate who you've become" pic, is it sad that I can't tell who's talking to who at this point?

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Loved the censored pic. Why can't Lucas outgrow his childish pranks and frequent disowning of his mother?

And el regrs, I couldn't tell either...LOL

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would say he's talking to Belle, although my first thought was Willow

8:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sami is the new Mimi -- that's Exactly what they're doing and it's making me as insane as having to put up with lucas the endless stupidity!!

10:45 PM  
Blogger luvpumpkns said...

sorry ladies. in the "hate you've become" pic, belle was talking to phil. i was unfortunantely unaboe to snap a picture that showed belle talking. it was sort of a throw back to the old phillip, who used to just say: "i know exactly what you're thinking belle!" and "you're just sooooo happy with our marriage. i can tell!" etc, etc,


6:45 AM  

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