Lying, Thieving Whore

Roman and Sami have that traditional father-daughter pre-wedding talk. You know, the one they've had countless times. Sami hopes she can get it right for once. "The odds are with you, kid," says Roman, "In fact, there were actually a couple of guys in our office pool who were stupid enough to bet the wedding would go through this time. They'll even get the bonus pot if you don't say the words 'Days Of Our Lives' in the vows."

Meanwhile, back in the women's rest room, Lucas puts saran wrap over the toilet and lowers the seat.

Lucas comes out and walks as he talks on his cell phone, "I'll see you in court!" Will comes up and asks what is wrong. Lucas tells him the photographer can't make it and he doesn't know how they will get someone on such short notice. Will volunteers. Lucas isn't sure, but OK's it. Will asks about his fee. Lucas gives him a dutch rub.

Bo tells Hope Steve is with the deprogrammer.

Kayla stands outside the room of horror and listens. SCREAMS! "LEAVE ME ALONE!" TORTURE! "I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!" Mercifully, the deprogrammer turns off DOOL.

Marlena comes to the room. Kayla lets her in. Kayla says things are going horribly. Marlena assures her he will get through it. Kayla is afraid EJ will track him down and she will lose him forever.

EJ comes up to his goons. He pays them, "Let's make one thing clear, my hands stay clean. You got that?"

Maggie gets things ready for the reception at Chez Rouge. Billie compliments her on how the place looks. Maggie has set up a big screen TV for the presentation. It is, of course, made out of organic electrical parts. Maggie is delighted Ben Ford is doing the menu. He's serving a completely green menu. Free range asparagus. Billie has brought plantable seat cards.

Maggie runs off to take care of something and the brat comes up. She wants to talk about Nick. She doesn't want to run into him and thought Billie could help with that – give her a heads up. Billie gets the feeling there is something Chelsea isn't telling her.

Nick comes into the chapel and sits by Max. He asks where Abby is. Max tells him she took off to London to see her folks. Max thinks she just doesn't want to deal with him today. He insists he didn't end it, "Maggie and her dad put the fear of God into her. I think we should forget Abby and Chelsea. There are plenty of fish in the sea."

One of the little piranhas comes up behind them. "And some of them are here in Salem," says Stephanie.

Marlena thinks there must be some way to end the reign of terror, but DOOL has been renewed for another season. Kayla talks about Stephanie's relationship with Steve. Kayla thinks she's afraid to get close. Kayla asks how the wedding is progressing. Marlena says this time it looks like Sami has put her problems behind her.

Roman says, "Let's not talk about all those other weddings. First of all, we don't have time. Besides, you are now a different person."

"No," says Sami, "That was my last wedding... when I turned into Stan... or was that the wedding before the last one? It's hard to keep them straight. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this."

If Roman ever had a cue to talk about something, that was it. So he dives right in. He is so proud of her. Hugs.

The goons say EJ can count on them. "I'm sorry I don't get credit for this," says EJ, "This, gentlemen, is a day that will change the lives of some people irrevocably."

Billie thinks the brat doesn't want things to be over with Nick. Chelsea says Nick isn't as easy to get out of her head as she thought he would be.

Willow walks up to Billie and Chelsea tossing out insults like beads at the Mardi Gras. They wonder how she got out of jail. She tells them she got sprung. She says a close friend of hers posted bail, "And he's going to hire a lawyer. A real lawyer – not Mickey.. He will prove I am innocent." She accuses Chelsea of talking Nick into swiping the brush. Chelsea goes to get Maggie and ask her to call the cops. Dialing a phone herself would be such a bother.

Billie says, "Goodbye!"

"It's time you admitted your daughter is an arsonist," says Willow.

Will is on autopilot as the takes picture after picture of Stephanie. The guys remind him he is there to photograph the entire wedding, not just her. Will finally goes back to work. Max moves right in, "So... is this what you would call a 'Dayton makeover?'" They make small talk and then Stephanie announces she is there unescorted. She asks both Nick and Max to be her dates.

Marlena starts to leave the hotel room, but the screams stop them cold. Kayla tells her to go on. Marlena will stop back after the wedding.

Mr. Aerosmith comes out of the torture chamber. He says the process is difficult. Steve is resting while he has a break. Kayla asks what her chances are of getting Steve back. "I've handled dozens of cases," says Aerosmith, ". Every single case I've handled went home to their family. So, basically, I'm due for a big failure." He leaves.

Steve staggers out of the room, "Sweetness, what year is this?"

"We really can't tell," says Kayla, "Since all the scripts are the same. It's probably something like 2007."

Steve is stunned, "You're kidding me! 2000? Man, I thought it was like '91 or '92." He looks into the mirror, "No wonder I look like hell. I thought I just had a bad hangover." He staggers. Kayla helps him to the couch. Steve asks, "When did I leave the nuthouse? I gotta get my head on straight..." He suddenly remembers, "EJ! He needs to know where I am." Steve grabs her purse and searches for her cell phone, "I don't have the number. Do you have the number?"

Max and Nick agree to escort Stephanie. She wonders if the brat will get jealous if Nick is with her. She thinks Nick should patch things up with her, "What are the odds you'll ever find a girl that hot to fall for you again?"

Billie tells Willow, "Nick wouldn't do that."

Willow disagrees, "He would – I know him."

"Well, so do I," says Billie.

"That's right, you do," says Willow, "How was he."

Billie makes threats. Chelsea comes up. She announces that Maggie is calling the cops.

Willow decides to leave, "See ya – wouldn't wanna be ya."

Billie asks Chelsea if Willow is telling the truth.

Lucas stands at the door to the bridal chamber with a pot of weeds. Marlena finds him. He tells her he's leaving a surprise for Sami. He thanks Marlena for bringing Sami into this world. Sami listens through the door and cries. Marlena takes the flowers in for him. She finds Sami bawling and wonders what's up. Sami claims it's a reaction to natural fibers in her dress.

"That natural fiber is silk," says Marlena, "And you never had a reaction when you had your fittings."

"You're right," says Sami, "It's just the usual. I've been keeping a secret from Lucas and I'm worried. Are you disappointed in me?"

Of course Marlena isn't disappointed, "I'm used to it by now. You just have to tell him up front. Now. Before the wedding. Marlena starts to leave to give Sami some time to think it over.

Sami stops her, "I don't need time. Find Lucas for me."

Marlena leaves and finds Lucas TP-ing the church grounds.

Kayla grabs the phone. Steve tries to grab it from her. They roll across the floor wrestling. Kayla finally gets the phone and chucks it across the room, smashing it against the door, "Stop it! He isn't going to control you any more!"

"Well, he sure won't be able to call me, anyway," says Patch. He forgets about the phone, "Oh, God you're so beautiful. A lot older than I remember, but beautiful. I keep trying to make you go away, but I know I'm dead without you. I don't want to die. I'm scared."

Billie wants the truth. The brat deflects the question. Billie says she will stand by her, but needs to know the truth. The brat lies and tells Billie Nick didn't take the brush, "Willow is a lying, thieving whore." Chelsea leaves.

Bo comes up to Hope, Marlena and Roman. He tells them he talked to Shawn on phone, "Phillip took off with Claire. Shawn hasn't been able to find them. I have to get to Tinda Lao ASAP. Sorry, but I have to miss the wedding." Roman tells him to go. Marlena tells him to take John's plane.

Hope says, "Just bring everyone home safely, OK?"

Bo smooches her, "I love you, Fancy Face."

Hope says, "I love you too, Brady." Bo leaves.

Lucas knocks. Sami has him come in. She hides behind the dressing screen because she doesn’t need any more bad luck than she already has, "You don't think it matters and won't change anything, but I have to tell you something that I think will change everything. Since it's a green wedding, I'm complimenting my bouquet with salal instead of baby's breath." Lucas gasps as he finally learns the shocking truth. The music swells to speaker blowing levels.

Kayla comforts Steve, "Whenever the darkness takes over just think of me and how much I love you."

Steve gets ideas, "Do you feel like making love?"

Stephanie tells Nick she was just kidding. Nick admits he is a geek, "Nobody ever falls in love with a geek." Stephanie encourages him to go talk to Chelsea. Nick leaves.

Stephanie asks where Abby is. Max tells her London. "Cool," says Stephanie.

Nick tells Chelsea she looks exceptionally beautiful.

"Thanks," she woofs. He offers a ride to the reception. The brat says, "We'll see."

Bo and Roman are alone. Bo tells him there was a shooting, "It was Shawn, but he will be OK. I didn't want to say anything with Marlena and Hope there." Roman thinks this is turning ugly. Bo asks him to give his best to Sami. Roman wishes him luck. Bo leaves.

Sami is on the brink of telling all but, once again, Lucas-the-doofus makes an appearance. He don' wanna know. The music starts. Lucas says he has to leave. As he goes, the brat comes in. She offers help. "Too late," says Sami, "There is nothing anyone can do now."

Kayla thinks maybe they should wait till he gets his strength back. "It's back," says Patch.

"That's the Steve I remember," says Kayla, "Just promise no matter what happens you'll remember me and how much I love you."

"I'll try."

A knock at the door interrupts them. Patch panics. He thinks it must be EJ. Kayla calls through the door, "Aerosmith?"

"No," says the voice outside, "It's only Steven Tyler. I'm looking for the rest of them."

The organ sounds the fanfare and Will and Chelsea march in. Roman walks Sami down the aisle. Sami whispers to him, "Could we hurry this up? I don't have a great track record."

Father Kelley presides. Kate steps into the back of the sanctuary and watches.

Steve cowers in the corner. EJ's goons stand outside the door with guns cocked, "Room service."

"We didn't order anything," says Kayla.

"It's a gift courtesy of a Mr. and Mrs. Bo Brady," says a goon, "We need a signature." Kayla opens the door. The security bar catches as the goons try to break in. They struggle and Kayla gets the door shut again. Kayla phones for help. Steve blathers over in his hiding place.

Marlena reads a passage from I John, Chapter 3, "For God is greater than our hearts and knows everything."

"Too bad Lucas doesn't," sayeth the Lord.

Lucas and Sami affirm they have come of their free will. Father Kelley pops the big one, "If any person present knows of a reason this man and woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace..." Hours pass. Kate and Sami stare at each other. EJ comes in and winks at Sami. FF Sami.


Previews
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Lucas asks, "Where is your dad?" A voice, probably Sami, says, "He's working tonight." Marlena turns to Lucas, "It was unavoidable... that's all... it was just, uh... an emergency."

Kayla tells Roman, "I want him to pay. I want EJ Wells to know what it is to lose everything he loves."

EJ says, "Your loyalty is to me. You're gonna go to Tinda Lao and you're gonna kill Bo Brady. And that is an order." Patch repeats, "Bo Brady."