Thursday, December 31, 2009

DOOL New Year's Resolutions

There was no feed this morning, not because NBC will broadcast any bowl games tomorrow, but because instead the geniuses in the NHL have actually come up with an idea that can sometimes give the bowl games a run for their money. Yes, it's time for another Winter Classic outdoor hockey game (true to form in this age of instant gratification it is indeed a classic after only two previous games, but who's counting).

As for me, ignoring the sacrilege of playing anything but baseball at Fenway Park, I'll take time off from football to watch the Bruins and Flyers mix it up. I just love the idea of one outdoor hockey game — just one, let's not overdo it like we do everything else — every year on New Year's Day. I wanna see raw hockey... in the cold... let it snow... let the wind whip... when they call icing, I want it to be because there is real ice around somewhere... when they freeze the puck, I want it to be because the puck really is freezing. I don't want blood on the ice, I want frozen blood on the ice. I don't just want forechecking, I want frozen butts slammed into glass so cold and brittle it shatters into a million...

Sorry. I got carried away. I forgot, we're here to talk about DOOL, aren't we? OK. The upshot of all this is there was no feed today. I could have just said that but then you'd want to know WHY there was no feed and I'd have to go through the "frozen butt forechecking" thing anyway. By the way, if you're unfamiliar with the term, forechecking is the Canadian equivalent of foreplay.

Instead of a recap, however, I may have come up with something just as interesting to DOOL fans. Another year has rolled by in the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Midwest commonly known as Salem. How depressing to think of everything that has happened, even though it's more depressing to think of everything that didn't happen. But we'll save that lament for another time and place. Salem, of course is a town where Santa's "naughty and nice" list is so biased to the "naughty" side it actually affects the rotation of the earth on it's axis.

In other words, it's not a stretch to say they've been bad in Salem and need to use the end of the year, this time of reflection, to mend their ways... turn over a new leaf... dare I say repent?

Well, that message has made its way around town and the goofba... people are responding. Here, as a Prevuze exclusive, is the complete list of New Year's resolutions made by the good (?) folks in our favorite town. Favorite town to bash, that is.

See if some of these inspire you to turn over a new leaf yourself, but notice none of the people in Salem seem to be resolving to make the same changes we common folk usually make. No losing weight, no stopping smoking, no ab firming, no thoughts about getting out of debt. No, the resolutions in Salem are a little more... strange? Whatever, you be the judge:

Melanie: No more gold-digging. Like, who needs to after you score the mother-load.

Phillip: To record Internet porn only in Hi-def.

Rafe: To experience an emotion. Any emotion.

EJ: To finish writing my book, "101 Ways To Tell The Difference Between A Foam Rubber Ball And A Pregnant Woman."

Sami: To get to know more people, starting with several of my personalities.

Abe: As mayor, I'll continue working to make Salem the Hernandez capital of the US.

Maggie: Not to be so judgmental of all the people in Salem who are beneath me.

Mia: To keep on rejecting Will until the new hunk replaces him.

Gabi: To find out why I'm in Salem.

Shawn: To learn port from starboard.

Belle: To learn left from right.

Claire: To become a long-distance swimmer.

Chris: To keep hoping against hope that EJ DiMera is gay.

Carly: To do everything I can to help Hope find her true love. Just as long as it's not Bo.

Victor: For one thing, I'm staying off ice skates.

Lucas: I may be leaving Salem, but I vow to find a new town that needs a village idiot.

Nicole: I want to make my new cellmate Amazonia the happiest Bitch-ho at Statesville.

Roman: I guess I might as well officially become a monk.

Lawrence: To snap out of this coma and get back to Salem.

Anna: To hell with going green, give me disposable diapers.

Rafe: To stop playing with the lint in my belly button and play with the lint in my brain instead.

Jan Spears: Same as last year. And the year before. And the year before. And the year before. And the year before.

Mia: Rule #1 — back seats are for passengers.

Stefano: I need to break the habit of leaving a C-note under Katherine's pillow every night.

Phillip: To start dating a better class of porn star.

Daniel: I want finally to work up enough courage to tell people my nickname is 'Goose.'

Kate: Must learn to cook killer dishes, not ones that just wound.

Brady: I might consider going in to work a couple days.

Bo: To have a fling with Carly that cancels out Hope's fling with Justin so we can get back together with a clear conscience.

Chloe: I'm going to return to my first love, singing. But not until my scars heal.

Pookie: Who cares? I guess it's the dog pound for me.

Hope: Being perfect, I don't need to make resolutions, but surely there is something... Oh, yes, my broom needs a tuneup.

John: Going... to get... this bedpan... out from under me... if... it's... the last... thing I do.

Will: I think I'll find out who Phillip's plastic surgeon was and go have a face transplant.

Mickey: To go off somewhere, meditate and find myself. In fact, I'd be happy if anyone found me.

Prevuze: To stop criticizing the moronic, sophomoric, idiotic, inconsistent, unplanned, boring, stupid, ridiculous, unprofessional, second grade level, unintelligent, humdrum, repetitive, unoriginal, banal, hokey, clichéd, unimaginative, and downright asinine writing on this show. Or not.

Prevuze: To apologize to sophomores and second graders everywhere for that last insult.

Happy New Year, everyone and now let's all go outside and jouer au hockey.

NOTE – you can now follow Prevuze on twitter at: http://twitter.com/prevuze

Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews, which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE


20 Comments:

OpenID sunshine611 said...

Kudos on your knowledge of hockey terms Prevuze!

If you're talking about the "geniuses at the NHL", then you're definitely not talking about Commissioner Gary Betteman since he does more harm than good to my favorite sport. Sorry, but I just don't think that the 2010 game has the appeal of the 2009 matchup with Detroit vs. Chicago... two original six teams going at it in the snow. Boston is fine but next time they should think about adding another original six team, possible a Canadien team (spelled that way for a reason). Sorry but I'm a Hockeytown girl and I will always hate the Flyers (especially with that crybaby Pronger now on the team now).

As great as the last two games were, I'd definitely qualify the game as a classic and for one day, I'm willing to give up watching the battle between the Ejamis and the Safes in lieu of a good ole hockey game in the snow.

Go Bruins!

3:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny stuff prevuze !

4:08 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

How depressing to think of everything that has happened, even though it's more depressing to think of everything that didn't happen. But we'll save that lament for another time and place.

"Another place and time" will undoubtedly be almost every recap in the coming New York. It's too bad the DOOL writers and producers aren't compelled to resolve to get the lead out and move this train wreck along more quickly. Although I dearly love Anna, I would like to see her doing something besides cooing sweet nothings into Sydney's ear. Just give the kid back to her parents so they can dump her in day care with the rest of her siblings.

As for my New Year's Day viewing, I did watch part of the Winter Classic last year but that was mainly to see the Frozen Confines decked out with an ice rink. This year it will be the Outback Bowl because I hope that Northwestern finally wins a bowl game.

Hmmmm - New Year's resolutions - let's see. OK - while reading Prevuze, I resolve to not to eat, drink, but I will continue to be merry because tomorrow DOOL might die.

Go Cats and have a happy and healthy New Year's Eve everyone!

5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First, let me say that I love love love Prevuze; it's usually the first thing I do in the morning. My favorite New Year's resolution (the one that made me laugh out loud) was the one about Kate and the C-note. So true!! That said, I think the one about Will and a face transplant was a little below the belt. Yes, he could use some acting lessons, but if Prevuze was referring to Will's physical appearance, that was definitely not fair. Just my opinion and you know, we all have one.

6:13 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

That said, I think the one about Will and a face transplant was a little below the belt.

Anonymous - The character of Will has been recast. Not only will he get a face transplant but his brown eyes are going turn blue. Will a blond Will have more fun? If Will stops chasing whiny little Mia, that would be a good start.

6:44 AM  
Anonymous Terri said...

Happy New Year Prevuze!! Looking forward to more laughs in 2010!

7:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gotta go with the Flyers tomorrow playing in my beloved Fenway Pawk. They won't win and I'll agree with Sunshine611 that Pronger is a p*ssy but still gotta root for the noir & l'orange.
Prevuze, it was a great list, love StefnHo leaving a C note for Kate every nite under the pillow. ROFLMAO.
-Cookie-

7:22 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

Pardon me while I wipe off my keyboard. Not what you think. I refrained from drinking my coffee while reading. I made that resolution a long time ago.

No, the keyboard is soaked from tears of laughter.

My favorites were John vowing to get off the bedpan and Roman deciding to officially become a monk!

I hereby make a resolution...to keep reading Prevuze every morning! Got to be the easiest resolution to keep that I've ever made.

Happy Prevuze Year everyone!!!

7:53 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

First, let me say that I love love love Prevuze; it's usually the first thing I do in the morning.

What a coincidence, it's the first thing I do in the morning, too.

I think the one about Will and a face transplant was a little below the belt. Yes, he could use some acting lessons, but if Prevuze was referring to Will's physical appearance, that was definitely not fair. Just my opinion and you know, we all have one.

As Leslie pointed out, I was referring to the fact that there will be a new Will on board sometime in 2010.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my resolution is to finlly get the courage to ask bo to scratch my belly and ask victor where he bought his designer shades

8:18 AM  
Blogger Jessi said...

Prevuze: To apologize to sophomores and second graders everywhere for that last insult.

i accept ur apology, for i am a sophomore.

Jessi: to go on Prevuze everyday

not hard for me cuz its pretty much the first thing i do everyday. ur the one who sets my mood for the day. like if something bad happened on days, not counting the regular things but like when grace died, ciara was kidnapped stuff like that. but when u comments on something and its really funny, im all happy all day.

The character of Will has been recast. Not only will he get a face transplant but his brown eyes are going turn blue. Will a blond Will have more fun? If Will stops chasing whiny little Mia, that would be a good start.

oh really, i didnt know that. who is gonna be the new new will????????

First, let me say that I love love love Prevuze; it's usually the first thing I do in the morning.

What a coincidence, it's the first thing I do in the morning, too.


OMG!!!! me too, what a small world. lol keep up the good work prevuze

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

My favorite is EJ resolving to learn the difference between a rubber baby bump and the real thing. As potent as his sperm apparently are he should.

I think they should create some new sports. I mean how long has it been since we've seen anything new that takes the country by storm? How about bullriding in a glass factory or the Indy 500 on a frozen track? Now there's an idea! Ha

I guess until that happens we'll have to stick with watching bed-hopping in Salem. And thanks to Prevuze we can do that with grins instead of groans. BTW, my resolution - to try to comment in Prevuze before all the good ones are taken.

Happy New Year Prevuze and everyone!

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't read Prevuze first thing in the morning. First I go to the bathroom so I don't pee in my pants from laughing. Then I read Prevuze.

Thanks Prevuze for another great year.

9:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bo: To have a fling with Carly that cancels out Hope's fling with Justin so we can get back together with a clear conscience.

lol... can anyone say Spinelli & Maxie from GH???

10:56 AM  
Anonymous JanuskieZ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Jana (shelle_cr) said...

Happy new year Prevuze and all the readers!

Thanks so much for your blog.

2:29 PM  
Blogger Wolf said...

THANK YOU PREVUZE FOR ANOTHER GREAT YEAR OF RECAPS, SNIPES, DIGS, JOKES, "DO NOT CLICKS" AND MAKING COFFEE OR WHATEVER I MAY BE DRINKING AT THE TIME COME OUT OF MY NOSE ON A REGULAR BASIS. KEEP IT UP!!! COULDN'T START THE DAY WITHOUT YOU!

4:58 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

THANKS for a great year of Prevuze wit and wisdom. I'd rather read your blog than view a hockey game any day!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Jessi said...

HAPPY NEW YEAR PREVUZE!!!!!!! and lets ring in the new year with some 2010 fun in salem. :chirp chirp: oh well, hahahaha. well since salemites dont know the meaning of fun, we will just have to sit at home and read our revuze blog, making our morning beverage come out our noses and onto our keyboards, with their jokes, recaps, flashbacks and prevuze sense of humor. HAPPY 2010 EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:53 PM  
Blogger jen said...

you...are...amazing. And that's a fact.

3:58 PM  

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