Monday, December 15, 2008

A Dumb, Cheesy Flat-Out Lie

We slowly pan from the bulbs on the decorated Christmas tree to the dim bulbs in the safe house and we zone in on Rafe's nekkid body. Sami stares.

Melanie comes to the cop shop to visit Nick.

Stephanie walks into the Cheatin' Heart to talk to Max. Max tells her to save her breath, "When you women move on you just peel out, don't you? Pedal to the metal!"

"What the hell does that mean," asks Stephanie.

"Some race driver you are," says Max. Stephanie flashes back to the vault.

Phillip gets an espresso at the pub. Lucas meets him. He tells Lucas it's a waiting game with Kate and congratulates him.

Luclueless scowls, "Congratulations?"

"On becoming engaged," says Phillip, "and having the memory of a sand flea."

If Lucas were any dumber he'd be a hammer, "Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about that."

"She must be quite a gal if you've already forgotten you're engaged to her," says Phillip.

"Oh, She's the best," says Lucas, "What was her name again? "

Phillip says, "She's really downplaying this thing she's doing for Kate. When we were dating she would always do the same thing — when we came up for air after having monkey sex, that is. "

"I love it when you remind me you dated her," says Lucas.

Daniel comes in to see Chloe, "I heed to do a follow up."

Chloe tenses up, "Did you say 'follow' or 'feel?' Can't someone else do it?"

"No," says Daniel, "Another doctor would actually give you a medical exam."

Rafe stirs. He moans and grimaces. Sami is worried about his stitches, but at this point the hangover is probably more of a problem for Rafe. He makes a call to see if it's still safe to be there.

Sami whines, "I don't wanna go."

"It's not your call to make, Sami."

Sami snatches the phone from Rafe. He tells her the witless protection program has been breeched. Sami gives him back the phone, "Who are you going to call?"

"The only other person who knows you are here," says Rafe, "If it's not safe we have to vacate."

Sami whines, "But you're in no condition to go anywhere."

"Sorry Nurse Nightingale," says Rafe, "We can't stay here if it's not safe."

Sami grabs the phone back, "I know you and I know you can't go anywhere right now." Rafe tells her she doesn't know him. "I know you a lot better than I did yesterday," says Sami, "I've been sitting here all night peeking."

Max and Stephanie provide the bickertainment for the day. Stephanie wants to know why Max is so shook up. "Three words," says Max, "Titan... Phillip... vault. Why didn't you put it on the Internet so the whole world could watch?"

Stephanie gasps, "MELANIE!"

Zombie Nick says he thought he would never see Melanie again. He rambles on about sending her letters and she never answered him. Melanie says she didn't write back because Maggie wanted her to ignore the letters. Nick says he wasn't just asking for forgiveness, "I wanna give you a gift."

Phillip and Lucas argue about Phillip discussing his escapades with Chloe. "You're right," says Phillip, "I'm a jerk. But you're ugly."

"Only because I don't switch faces every other week," says Lucas.

Phillip says he has decided to give a relationship another go, "It fell into my lap. But I'm not telling you who she is. You'll probably go after her. But you're getting married. Fourth time's a charm, eh?"

"I found the right one this time," says Lucas, "She's definitely the one for me. I just have a little trouble remembering her."

Chloe thinks Dr. Dan seems intense, "You won't look at me."

"I'm too busy groping," says Daniel, "But this is not a game. You are doing a wonderful thing for Kate. It's a serious operation and you are engaged to be married. I do not need you to freak out right now. So just chill while I sample the goods." There is nothing weird going on between us."

Rafe is on the phone and says he understands. He hangs up and tells Sami they won't be moving right now. Sami makes him comfortable on the couch and plays nursemaid. Rafe says no one can know about his injury. "I'll keep quiet," says Sami.

"That's what I've been praying for," says Rafe. Sami inspects the wound. And his rippling muscles.

Nick asks Melanie to forgive him. Melanie says she does, "Time heals all wounds," says Melanie. She says she blames herself for a lot of what happened to Nick. She thinks maybe she should go because Nick is giving her the third degree, "Forget the present you had for me."

Max blows his stack, "Melanie said they opened the vault ten seconds before you scored."

Stephanie yells, "Melanie is lying! It was more like twenty seconds. I'll admit I've been attracted to Phillip, but don't know if he feels the same way."

"He does," says Max, "He's definitely attracted to himself."

"Melanie destroyed what you and I had," screams Stephanie.

"No," insists Max, "We destroyed it ourselves."

Stephanie yells, "You broke up with me and Melanie is the reason we are done." Chelsea comes in and soaks it in as they go at each other.

Daniel completes the exam and starts to leave. Chloe apologizes for being rude. Daniel keeps his face turned away. Chloe asks, "You're not going to look at me?" Daniel looks. Chloe flashes back, "I'm just glad that you and Kate and Lucas and I can be friends."

"Can we," asks Daniel.

Nick asks Melanie not to go. She comes back. He says "I'm doubtful you came here because you care about me hating myself. I want to make up for what I did to you." Nick tells her he wants her to have all of the profits from his project. He worked out the kinks and knows if Titan doesn't exercise the option to take it, someone else will, "Plus I've switched attorneys so Mickey can't block this. Mickey is no longer my attorney. They've already reduced the charges and I may be a free man by next week."

Stephanie stomps out as Chelsea walks up, "I came to thank you for getting my head on straight about Melanie." She casts a glance toward Stephanie as she storms out the door, "What happened?"

"Stephanie and Phillip happened." Max tells her about the vault, "She was about to score..."

Chelsea's eyes go wide, "SCORE? As in..."

"Yep," says Max, "Right there in the vault. They were about to practice safe sex."

Chelsea says, "You were (say it with her) there for me when I was down, so I want to (say it with her) be there for you now. I wanna help you. Please."

Sami is impressed with her stitching job. Rafe is impressed with the color of the infection that has set in around it. Sami chuckles about his drunken rant the night before. He wants to know what he said. Sami tells him he told her to stay away from EJ.

"I'm sorry," whines Rafe.

"I'm not," says Sami, "It's nice to know you care about me. I mean care what happens to me."

Daniel says he and Chloe can't be friends because she's created a weird little drama between them. He doesn't want any part of it. Chloe says her future is with Lucas. Phillip walks in, "Is everything OK?"

Max insists it's over with Stephanie. "It's not over unless you want it to be over," says Chelsea.

"I am not in love with her any more," says Max.

Chelsea makes a couple cracks and tries to cheer him up. Max don' wan' no stinkin' cheer. Chelsea says, "I was just attempting a little humor. You remember humor?"

"Do you remember how to leave?"

Chelsea says, "I know that you still love Stephanie."

Max erupts, "You don't know anything. I don't love her. I'll never love another human being."

Prevuze

"That sounded like it came straight out of a romance novel," says Chelsea, "It was a dumb, cheesy flat-out lie."

Rafe tells Sami about his trek to find the Laughing Penguin. He now knows she knew they were almost sold out. Sami says she is sorry she put him in danger to get it. Rafe decides he wants to take a shower. Sami wants to help. Rafe resists, but stumbles as he gets up. Sami to the rescue.

Daniel assures Phillip things are just fine and goes to check on Kate. Phillip tells Chloe he thinks that was awkward. He asks what they were arguing about. Chloe says she thinks Daniel hovers and she needs her space. Phillip praises her for what she is doing for his mom, "And you've made my brother a happy man after making me a happy man."

Daniel and Lucas talk in the hallway, but Daniel says he's tired and cuts Lucas off. He leaves.

Melanie reads the paperwork which transfers ownership of Nick's project to her, "Are you sure about this?" Nick says he's positive he doesn't want to rethink it. "What about the psych angle," asks Melanie.

"I've been deemed competent to know the consequences of my actions," says Nick, "I won't be able to sleep until you accept this."

Stephanie and Phillip meet up at the pub, "You left me hanging yesterday," says Phillip.

"I know," says Stephanie, "But I don't want to do that any more."

Daniel is on the phone. "Take it easy," he says, "So will I." He hangs up and flops on the bed.

Lucas smooches Chloe. He says he's there because he has a surprise for her. "Wow," says Chloe, "Daniel had a couple of surprises for me, too." Lucas fumbles in his pocket and pulls out her engagement ring, "I had it sized for you." Chloe tries it on. It fits, "Just like the glass slipper."

"That's because the stone is glass," says Lucas.

Chelsea insists Max will find love again. And again.

Stephanie tells Phillip she held off yesterday because of Max. For some reason, she felt she needed to tell Max what she and Phillip had going on, but Melanie beat her to the punch, "What Max and I had is put to rest. Having it behind me feels good."

Phillip moves in, "How does this feel?"

Of course, Melanie walks in and watches them as they hover in front of each other for an eternity. She interrupts, "We have some things to talk about."

Stephanie snaps, "How about we talk about why you should get the hell out of here?"

"How about if we talk about my new position at Titan," asks Melanie.

That gets Phillip's attention, "You wanna tell me about your position at my company?"

"I do," says Melanie, "Things between us are about to change."

"What does that mean," asks Phillip, "Are you about to become tolerable?"

Lucas says, "We're gonna have a swell life together, baby. What was your name again? "

"I love you, Lucas," says Chloe, "And you're right. We will have a perfect life."

Daniel sleeps. He tosses and turns. He dreams he comes up behind Chloe and moves in. Chloe can't resist. He picks her up and carries her into a room at the hospital. He throws her on the bed and gives her a more thorough exam.

Daniel wakes and stares.

Rafe comes out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. He struggles across the room. Sami says she's glad he's on the mend. Rafe turns to her, "Sami... thank you."


Previews
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19 Comments:

Anonymous Berg said...

Ugh! Even PRevuze can't sugar coat these episodes to make them more interesting. The Rafe/Sami thing is just bland and painful. Chloe and the groper are hard to even read about let alone watch, and Nick - someone let the man out of jail so he can go on a killing spree and put us out of our misery.
My duh moment today - that I still care enough to log onto Prevuze through this crap.

3:50 AM  
Anonymous Berg said...

Prevuze you complete me :)

3:50 AM  
Blogger cfish said...

"They were about to practice safe sex."
SAFE SEX!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Nothing like a bad pun to lighten up a Monday morning!!

Of course, we all know "safe sex" isn't possible in Salem -- how else could we have all these "he can't know I'm pregnant"/"he can't know I lost the baby"/"I don't know who the father is" stupid storylines??

6:17 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

Luclueless scowls, "Congratulations?"

"On becoming engaged," says Phillip, "and having the memory of a sand flea."

If Lucas were any dumber he'd be a hammer, "Oh, yeah, I almost forgot about that."

"She must be quite a gal if you've already forgotten you're engaged to her," says Phillip.

"Oh, She's the best," says Lucas, "What was her name again?"


Snarky, snarky Prevuze!! I must admit I have got to wonder why the writers had Lucas released from prison. Aside from screwing up the Sami/EJ relationship, Lucas has once again become nothing more than a prop in whatever storylines he’s involved in. He’s the concerned son in the “Kate has cancer” drama, and it’s pretty obvious that Chloe is shortly going to be returning Lucas’ engagement ring.

Daniel comes in to see Chloe, "I heed to do a follow up."

Chloe tenses up, "Did you say 'follow' or 'feel?' Can't someone else do it?"


After her first encounter with Dr. Fondle-the-Boob, Chloe should have demanded another doctor.

"That sounded like it came straight out of a romance novel," says Chelsea, "It was a dumb, cheesy flat-out lie."

That’s because it was written by a dumb, cheesy DOOL scribe.

"I do," says Melanie, "Things between us are about to change."

"What does that mean," asks Phillip, "Are you about to become tolerable?"


We can only hope.

This episode obviously supplies lots of zapportunites. Prevuze, thanks for warming us up on this very cold Monday morning!!!

6:37 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

I think someone commented on this in Prevuze the other day but it seems so obvious this whole Clucas thing is just a stall tactic until they get Sami back into the picture. The whole forced relationship was so out-of-the-blue it doesn't have any chemistry at all. How could it when he forgets he's engaged and she's obsessing over Dr. Feelgood?

And it must be a lack o' caffeine this morning but what were Luclueless' three marriages? Once to Nicole when she got her $5 million, once to Sami and ? Did he marry Sami twice? I had to struggle to remember they actually made it to the alter once. HAHAHA

How do Rafami know the knife didn't damage a major organ?

Loved the censored links! Two at once - a Prevuze first I think. And I LOL over "Mickey is no longer my attorney. They've already reduced the charges and I may be a free man by next week." Good ol' Mickster.

Thanks, Prevuze, for helping us get thru a dreaded Monday morning!

7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't watch the show, I only read this blog, so I'm a little confused about the Chloe/Dr. Dan thing. Did they have a "we're really attracted to each other" moment, or did Dr. Dan molest her?

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Betyar said...

I loved Phillip's comment to Lucas "But you're getting married. Fourth time's a charm, eh?" Cracked me up! I'm still laughing! I believe Sami and Lucas were married twice. It was unfortunate both times they were married...just like the Chloe/Lucas marriage would be if they go ahead with it. I don't expect that one to last either.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

Stephanie walks into the Cheatin' Heart to talk to Max.

She still have her hooker dress on? I must say, Philip was having a heck of a time keeping his eyes on her face during THEIR scenes together. I wonder if Max was having the same problem. HAHAHA

[And, yes Anonymous, during Dr. Feelherup's exam he and Chloe and a close encounter of the almost-kissing-kind.]

Bickertainment

Wow, what a Monday! Two fabulously funny censored links and a new vocabulary word.

”Mickey is no longer my attorney. They've already reduced the charges and I may be a free man by next week."

I knew Nick was smarter than anyone else on this show.

Phillip walks in, "Is everything OK?"

Just about every time someone walks into a room and two other folks are in there already the standard line is either, “Is everything OK” or “What’s going on here?” Can’t the writers actually come up with a line that makes some sense? Something a real person would actually say in that situation? Like “Hi, ____. Didn’t know you were here?” or, “Sorry to interrupt.” or, maybe they could just stand at the door and listen to what was going on if they wanted to know so badly? I know, TLT.

Thanks for the Monday boost, Prevuze!

8:42 AM  
Blogger cfish said...

Bulldog --

Lucas' third marriage (actually his second chronoligically) was to Carrie -- remember when Austin came back to Salem then Carrie came back to Salem after Austin and Nicole and Sami took over her company and we all still thought EJ was just a race car driver? Austin and Sami were engaged, and I think Lucas and Carrie were married for about 5 minutes before Austin and Carrie started doing the nasty behine Lucas' and Sami's backs.

8:48 AM  
Blogger cfish said...

I forgot to mention that Sami blackmailed Lexie into lying so that Carrie thought she and Austin couldn't have healthy children so that Carrie would choose Lucas over Austin. That's what got Lexie's medical license ripped away before she miraculously returned as Chief of Staph.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Dr. Dool said...

And it must be a lack o' caffeine this morning but what were Luclueless' three marriages? Once to Nicole when she got her $5 million, once to Sami and ? Did he marry Sami twice? I had to struggle to remember they actually made it to the alter once. HAHAHA

Lucas was married to Carrie for about a microsecond. They nearly burned down their apartment on their honeymoon and then Carrie started haveing her rooftop flings with Austin. So that makes Lucases wives Nicole, Carrie, Sami and the fourth time would be Chloe if it ever happens.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First all the elevator sex and now the almost "safe" sex.LOL

I can't stand Chole and Lucas together....I just don't get it.
I think it is funny that Phil brought up that they were once together. LOL.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Deb said...

Lucas was married to Carrie for about a microsecond. They nearly burned down their apartment on their honeymoon and then Carrie started haveing her rooftop flings with Austin. So that makes Lucases wives Nicole, Carrie, Sami and the fourth time would be Chloe if it ever happens.

Lucas can't marry Chloe unless she bleaches her hair blonde and loses about 50 IQ points.


Stephanie walks into the Cheatin' Heart to talk to Max. Max tells her to save her breath, "When you women move on you just peel out, don't you? Pedal to the metal!"

"What the hell does that mean," asks Stephanie.


"I don't know. I saw it on some beer commercial during a NASCAR race. I think it has something to do with car racing." says Max


Rafe stirs. He moans and grimaces.

Finally Sami shuts up.

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

Bulldog said...
I think someone commented on this in Prevuze the other day but it seems so obvious this whole Clucas thing is just a stall tactic until they get Sami back into the picture.


Oh, noooooooooooooo! Wouldn't it be nice if the writers made like Robert Frost and took the road less traveled? Never mind...that would take some creativity. Instead we're doomed to deja vu all over again. However, there will be some excellent Prevuzisms!!! Well, at least, that's something to look forward to.

10:08 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

All - yeah! Carrie. That's the one I forgot. Like you said, it was for about five minutes.

Surely I can't be suggesting most of this stuff is forgettable can I? HAHAHA

Thanks!!

10:15 AM  
Anonymous Berg said...

I wish we were all like nuJohn and had our memory wiped of these last 7 months.

There were characters I used to like and now I just can't stand them. The show has gone to nails on a chalkboard for me but thankfully Prevuze always manages to save the day!

11:27 AM  
Anonymous Klaus said...

Woo, two weeks without DooL and I haven't missed that much. I'll start again tomorrow. Had to take a short 'vacation' from this show.

Lucas has the most terrible luck. I'm looking forward to his big mouth angry rants at Chloe, and it's nice/horrible that Kate can have a 'I told you so!' moment.

I'm also interested to see how Nicole is going to synchronize this baby acquisition/fake birth nonsense.

12:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL jizz in my pants! Andy Samburg is genius, and you are too!

Good god, Stephanie looks like a whore with that top on...what the heck?!

1:32 PM  
Anonymous Klaus said...

Can't speak for anyone but myself, but I don't think Stephanie looks like a whore. I'm just of the opinion that her outfit wholly inappropriate for an office setting.

But I saw a glimpse of her outfit, I hope the picture on prevuze was photoshopped. haha.

1:54 PM  

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