Christmasitis Stupiditis

Bo teeters on the ladder as he stretches to put the star on top of the Christmas tree. The ladder isn't unsteady enough, so he goes up another step.

CRASH!

The ladder splinters. Hope screams and runs over to the scene of the disaster, "OMG! The ladder! The ladder! "

Brady catches up with Kelly at the Cheatin' Heart. She's sitting there with a cigarette and a drink. "Smoking and drinking for two," asks Brady, "You're nothing but a two bit con. Make that a skanky two bit con."

Nicole stands and watches, "Did someone call
me? "

Kelly runs to Nicole and whines about Brady badgering her. Nicole turns on Brady and gives him a tongue lashing.

EJ lectures Lexie for being naïve, which is kind of like lecturing a blind person for not being able to see. Lexie defends herself. EJ snorts, "You chose your husband's career over your conscience. You crossed that line."

Sami waddles around the like a pregnant Laughing Penguin and worries, "Rafe, what's is taking you so long?"

Meanwhile, back at the dock, Rafe and the baddie fight. The assassin gets Rafe down and sticks the knife up to his throat.

Sami continues her blithering idiot act. Oops, sorry, it's not an act. "Well," says Hilda, "You know Rafe's motto."

"I know," says Sami, "We always get our penguin."

No," says Hilda, "It's, 'If you want to avoid all the tears and kvetching get the little princess what she wants.'"

"Really," says Sami, "I actually thought his motto was the same as the Salem Police Department's... Ready, fire, aim."

Sami bugs Hilda about Rafe's personal life. Hilda breaks into a mocking chant, "Some-one is cur-i-ous. Some-one is cur-i-ous. HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA!"

The viewers chant, "This show is stu-pid. This show is stu-pid. Shoot-me-please! Shoot-me-please!"

The baddie jams the knife into Rafe's gut and demands Rafe tell him where Sami is. Rafe considers the possibilities... going back to Sami or spending eternity in hell. "Go ahead," he says, "kill me."

Rafe pulls a flying reverse and kicks the baddie backwards. He springs to his feet and kicks the guy. We hear sirens in the background. The assassin knees Rafe and runs. Raphael drops into the fetal position and changes his name to Rachel.

* * * * *

Note: At this point, our digital recorder froze up and we lost about five minutes of the show. We'll publish that section tomorrow in a special Saturday edition.

* * * * *

EJ says, "I don't go to my father asking him to make hits on my enemies. I make them myself." Lexie denies she did that. She says they also don't know for certain that Stefano was responsible for the mayor's murder. Suddenly, Abe drops in out of the sky, "What's going on here?"

Kayla completes her examination of Bo, "This is serious."

Hope turns into the typical Salem girlie blithering nut, "OMG! What is it?"

"It's a clear case of Christmasitis Stupiditis. We see a lot of it this time of year. Mainly it's husbands thinking they can do things they can't and getting hurt, as opposed to the more serious form of the disease, All-year-around-itis Stupiditis, which is mainly caused by writing for DOOL."

Bo ain't amused, "Keep your day job. The laughs aren't coming." Hope lectures. Kayla lectures. Bo wishes the fall had killed him, "I didn't break anything important."

Hope doesn't agree, "Yes you did, Brady. You broke the ladder."

Brady asks Kelly for the picture of the baby's father. Kelly reluctantly hands it to him. Brady says he recognizes the guy, "He was featured in a rehab journal. He's a counselor from another facility. This picture is PhotoShopped. That means Kelly had the magazine, and was in rehab too."

Sami continues to bug Hilda about Rafe. She wants to know if he's married. Before the conversation can go any farther, Rafe staggers in with the Laughing Penguin. Hilda wants to know if he's all right. He tells her she can go home. Hilda leaves and Rafe staggers. Sami pulls open his jacket.

BLOOD!

Lexie tells Abe nothing is going on, "I'm just delivering gifts." EJ tries to get through to Theo, "What do you want for Christmas?" Theo zones.

Kelly nukes and insists none of this is true, but Brady reminds her she was smoking and drinking. He decides to call all the clinics and find out if she was at one of them. Nicole steps in, "There are dozens of clinics in town and she probably didn't use her real name. How you gonna find out if she was there."

"If you keep asking logical questions," says Brady, "They'll kick you off this show. I have to do this. There is an innocent life involved."

Kelly explodes, "Chill! There is no innocent life, OK?" She rips her fake baby belly off and dangles it in his face, "So I was working a scam, so what? You try to get a job these days!"

Kelly runs out. Nicole is stunned, "How could she fake a pregnancy? What kind of sick person would do something like that?" Brady drops his jaw and gives her a look. Nicole defends her cockamamie scheme, "I'm not doing it for money. I'm doing it for love."

"You're just running on emotion," says Brady, "What's happened to you?"

Sami nurses Rafe, "I'm calling an ambulance."

Rafe panics, "You can't! Whoever it was, they knew who I was." Rafe says he made sure the guy didn't follow him, but he refuses to go to the hospital.

"Someone has to stitch the wound," says Sami.

"Yeah," grunts Rafe, "You."

Abe and Theo head for the kitchen. EJ softens and tells Lexie he just wants to offer his understanding. Lexie gets totally maudlin about Theo.

Brady tries to convince Nicole her scheme won't work. He thinks if EJ really would leave her, it wouldn't be such a bad deal for her to get a DiMera out of her life, "You have to tell someone now or God knows what the consequences will be."

A voice booms down from heaven, "Leave me out of this."

EJ has magically morphed into the tender understanding brother. Lexie confides in him, "EJ, sometimes I just feel like I'm living in another world."

"No, Lexie," says EJ, "You're living in Salem. You're living in another universe." EJ says he feels guilty about living in the mansion and working for Stefano. The thinks he was projecting his guilt onto Lexie and he apologizes. Kum Ba Yah plays softly in the background as they share the love.

Sami brings the sewing kit and the Jack Daniels over to the couch. She tells Rafe she's afraid she will pass out before she finishes.

"No," says Rafe, "The Jack Daniels is for me. You have to do this. I'll make you a deal... You sew me up and then I'll deliver your baby." He pours the liquor on the wound.

"YEOWCH!"

"I wish I could have a drink," says Sami.

"No more talk," says Rafe, "Let's just do this."

"You have to know," she whimpers, "I've never sewn anything.

"I just hope your sewing is better than your cooking," says Rafe. Betsy Ross goes to work.

Kayla thinks Bo didn't pay attention to Hope because of a macho thing. She rants about Patch almost getting electrocuted, "I told him he needed to call an electrician to fix that socket but he wouldn't listen."

"You should have told him to turn off the electricity before working on it," says Hope.

"My biggest mistake was telling him not to do it," says Kayla.

Great idea says Hope, "If you want something done, tell the guy not to do it. I'll remember that one... Bo, please don't clean out the garage." So much for the levity. Hope starts crying, "When he fell my heart stopped."

"Anorexia will do that to you."

Bo dresses. Suddenly he has an out of body moment. He flashes to the Christmas star lying on top of a present.

Bo and Hope are back at home. Bo insists he's fine. Hope scolds him, "You are banned from putting the star on the tree for the next 100 years."

"That's only about six months if you're a kid on this show," says Bo, "Which reminds me, what's Ciara up to?"

"She was dating Dr. Dan until she got too old for him, " says Hope, "By the way, what happened to the star?"

Bo says, "It's behind the tree on top of Ma's present."

Hope walks back there and, sure enough, finds the star, "How did you know that."

"I see dead people," says Bo the clairvoyant, "And Christmas stars."

Sami shuts off her sewing machine, "You're going to have an ugly scar."

Soused Rafe don' giveacrap, "Scar schmar. I'm going to conshider it a shouvenir."

Sami asks, "How could you not watch your back better?"

"You're shuch an idiot," says Rafe, "You fell in love wish a guy who didn't want you. Elvish has left the building and you're mooning over him."

"He mooned me first," says Sami.

"Only love makesh people do shuch shtupid things."

"Everyone in Salem must be in love," says Sami.

EJ comes into the rumpus room and finds Nicole, "You're shaking." She asks if he meant it when he said he loved her. EJ insists he meant it. He reminds her he ditched Sami, too. Nicole is worried she will mess things up. EJ tries to encourage her. He goes for the baby bump.

Nicole jumps like a frog on a griddle, "Please! Don't touch me!"

Bo and Hope giggle and banter. She tells him she isn't excited about the gift she got Theo.

"What is it," asks Bo.

"It's a secret," says Hope. She leaves. Psychic Bo concentrates on Theo's mystery package and hears devil-squealing.

Lexie and Abe sit with Theo at a table in the pub. Lexie snaps, "Theo! Don't play with your food." Theo releases the cockroach. Lexie tells Abe about her conversation with EJ.

A woman walks in carrying a Christmas package. Theo wails, "Present! I want it!

Lexie gets all excited, "Honey, he's becoming a selfish brat just like a normal person in Salem. It's wonderful!"

Sami asks if Rafe has ever been in love. "Love ish for idiots," he slurs, "And you should shtay away from EJ — that dude doeshn't love you."

"You know something," says Sami, "What do you know?"

"I know he'sh moved on," says Rafe, "Why donchyou?"

Nicole says it's just that EJ is so cute and sexy when he touches her she's afraid one thing will lead to another.

EJ says, "Well, I have some self control... as long as the elevator is moving." Nicole blames hormones. EJ decides he can suck it up until the baby is born. He says he has to make a business call and leaves.

Nicole makes a call, too. Brady answers. Nicole says, "I have made my decision. I' am getting the baby with or without your help. This will work out. Everything will be good and happy. Tra-la. Tra-la."


Previews
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