Friday, April 06, 2007

Warts And Slime

Nurse Gargantua comes into Steve's cell. He checks his wrist and says, "Just like clockwork, two hairs past a freckle." She wants him to take his medicine without the usual hysterics. Patch is a little too agreeable today. He pops the meds, "Down the gullet! See – nothin' up my sleeve, nothin' under my tongue." Then the show really begins, "He sings! He dances! He barks like a dog! Rarf! Rarf! Rarf!"

As she leaves, Nurse Gargantua says, "Mr. Johnson, our senses of humor are quite different."

Rin-Tin-Tin shouts, "The only difference is... I GOT ONE!" Once the nurse is out of sight Mad Max turns into sneaky, stealthy Steve. He looks at his hand, where he has palmed the pills, "And presto-change-o, now, that's entertainment."

Lucas meets Kate to show her the budget numbers. Lucas tells her he knows for sure they aren't the same figures EJ showed the board. He wants Kate to know if EJ goes down, she could go down with him.

"It won't be the first time," says Kate.

EJ and Phillip get together. Phillip tells EJ he just missed Shawn and Belle on Tinda Lao. EJ wonders if Shawn might be a little smarter than he thought. Phillip brings up Willow. "You mean that droopy girl," asks EJ.

"I hear you had Droopy rob Bo and Hope's house."

Celeste and Sami get together. "What now," asks Sami.

"You know," says Celeste, "Say it. Say it out loud."

"He has to die."

Celeste morphs into some big ugly Marine drill sergeant, "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Sami repeats, "He has to die. EJ has to die."

Sami says she hopes she wakes up from this bad dream. Celeste says, "There is only one way to end this nightmare."

"Yeah," says Sami, "The viewers have to turn off their TV sets."

Sami worries she won't be able to meet EJ on time. Celeste tells her to drive a separate car to her and Lucas' appointment with the photographer, and then tell Lucas she has errands to run, "Just leave everything to me."

EJ pretends he didn't know about the break-in at Bo and Hope's house. Phillip tells him to cut the bull. All he wants is his daughter back. EJ says that's the same way he lives his life, "I want the girl... the girl is mine... end of story."

Phillip tells EJ he visited Willow in jail and it took her about 30 seconds to rat EJ out, even though she is scared of him. EJ asks why Phillip isn't scared of him. Phillip says, "Because I have lost so much already... Claire... half my body parts, so, no I'm not scared of you."

EJ says, "That's something we have in common."

Phillip says, "As is finding Shawn Brady. So let's stop working with the amateurs and do something about that. Interested?"

"Well," says EJ, "We do have to work with the amateurs. They're the only writers we've got."

Kate sarcastically thanks Lucas for deciding to talk to her before he turns her in. She insists she won't let him do it, and grabs the financial statements from him, "These numbers look fine to me."

EJ tells Phillip his big plan is to use Century Cell to bug Bo and Hope's house. When Shawn calls, he'll be able to listen in and figure out where he is. "There is just one thing," says Phillip, "You're forgetting Billie is my sister. You'll get the information you want and kick her to the curb."

"Billie has seen more curbs than Salem's oldest street sweeper," says EJ.

"That's the second time you've underestimated me," says Phillip, "You'd better make it your last."

Kate and Lucas argue. Kate says if Lucas fires the first shot, EJ will have the entire accounting department under indictment for embezzlement tax evasion and all kinds of other things. "Oh," says Lucas, "I've been wondering what I did around here. I guess I work in the accounting department." Lucas decides he will take it directly to the stockholders.

Kate says if he does that EJ will have them in his hip pocket before Lucas knows it, "You set him off, your head will be in a noose and he will be holding the rope. Your life will be over," SNAP, "just like that."

Sami asks Celeste what she should do. Celeste says to tell EJ she confessed to Lucas, "Tell him Lucas dumped you and called you a lying whore. You know how to do this... make him believe it. And when he does believe you, that's when you are going to..."

Sami cuts her off, "NO! I'm sorry. I just can't." Celeste presses. She tells Sami if she doesn't destroy EJ, he will destroy her life. "How do I do it," asks Sami.

"With a kiss," she pulls out her handy-dandy tube of poison lipstick.

Patch works on the window to his cell. Gargantua brings Kayla into the room. She watches him as he tries to open it, "Steve... what are you doing?"

"I'm stuck in a nuthouse," says Steve, "All I can do is stare out the window."

Kayla has brought her computer. Steve got an email from Stephanie and Kayla thought he might want to respond, "She's in love."

"She's in Dayton," says Patch, "How can she be in love? She's only been there two months."

"It didn't take long for us," says Kayla.

"You can see how that worked out," growls Steve.

Kayla struggles to pull the knife out of her heart and continues. She says she hasn't told Stephanie about Steve's situation, and won't as long as he's a good boy.

Kate and Lucas keep it up. Nothing new – we've heard all this before. Kate finally says, "The person that you're angry at is not EJ. It's Sami."

Celeste tells Sami she will add an ingredient to her lipstick so that it will knock EJ out. It's just a precaution, since Sami's lips seem to be able to do that without any help. She instructs Sami to slather on the lip balm like crazy so the potion won't affect her. Then, after the potent kiss, when EJ is fast asleep, Sami is to set the cabin on fire.

EJ says he just wanted Willow to rob Bo and Hope's house, sans pyrotechnics, "I must admit it was an error in judgment on my part to use Willow."

"Been there," says Phillip. EJ wants to know if Phillip has any ideas if they're not going to use Billie. "I have plenty of ideas," says Phillip, "But there are three conditions. And I'm not sure you are going to like them. First of all... Billie. You can use Century Cell, but Billie's been walked over too many times. I'm not gonna let that happen. The second condition is, you can listen in on Bo and Hope all you want, but the minute you hear something about Shawn, I want to know. Third, I want to know why you are doing this. Finally, when you do find him. I want to know what you are planning to do to him."

"You said you had three conditions," says EJ, "But that was four."

"The part of my brain that could count is still smeared across the Salem racetrack," says Phillip. EJ agrees to the first two conditions and contemplates the others.

Sami resists getting involved in EJ's murder in a weak attempt to convince us she really does have a brain and a soul. Celeste presses.

Kate defends EJ. Lucas defends Sami and rejects the idea that anything could be going on between them. World War III erupts. Kate says, "EJ and Sami are together and they are hiding something. And you know it. That's what's making you angry. Why won't you admit it?"

Kayla reads Stephanie's email to Steve. Stephanie says she knows this is the real thing and it is forever. 'Forever' is usually pretty loosely defined on this show.

Steve dictates his response, "Hey baby girl it's your papa. I know how you feel, but be careful."

"Of what?"

"Hey," says Steve, "I'm talkin' you're typin', OK? Don't let your heart do your thinking for you. Don't be belevin' in frogs that can turn into princes. Frogs are still frogs and if you keep kissing them anyway, you'll end up covered in warts and slime. If you buy into that stuff pretty soon you'll be looking back at the time you wasted believing in lost causes."

"You wanna know what I told her when I wrote her back," asks Kayla.


Kayla's hearing hasn't been too good lately, "I told her to trust her heart and go after those feelings and fight for them till her very last breath."

Patch says, "Find someone who will give you a nice comfortable life. Someone who won't put you at risk."

Kayla says, "Love is risk. Anyone who runs away from that risk is a person who won't be happy."

Lucas thinks Kate is jealous of Sami. Kate thinks Lucas is a comedian. She says EJ guaranteed the wedding won't happen. "How could he possibly know that," asks Lucas.

"That's right," says Kate, "How could he possibly?"

Celeste tells Sami, if they are caught, nothing will happen. No one would care enough to investigate. Not even Roman. She paints the beautiful picture of how wonderful life will be if Sami becomes a cold-blooded murderer. Sami insults the intelligence of dumb-blondes everywhere by agreeing to do it.

EJ says his problem is not with what Phillip is asking, but it's how he is asking it, "I do not respond well to demands." Phillip rewords things and makes it all-better. EJ wonders how they will get the security system inside Bo's house without Billie's cooperation.

"We'll just walk in and install it ourselves," says Phillip. He reminds EJ Bo and Hope aren't even living at the house right now since it is under repair. They agree to meet tomorrow morning to install the system.

Lucas says, "I'm not gonna end up bitter like you and Phillip, not having anyone to come home to at night, living on one night stands..."

"How do you make it last a whole night," asks Kate.

Lucas, by-gum, isn't going to make the same mistakes Kate has made. He'll make new and different mistakes. He pulls out his Captain Marvel Mother-Disowning kit and does it again. He storms out as Kate screams, "Sami will keep doing this to you over and over again."

Lizzie Borden and Ilene Wuornos plan their dastardly deed. Celeste will be in her car hiding in the woods while Sami gives EJ the kiss of death. Then they will soak every inch of the cabin in gasoline. "It should just take one match," says Sami.

Celeste lights a match. Oh! The dramatic effect! She says, "One match and the world will be rid of Elvis DiMera's evil."

Sami blows out the match. Oh, the metaphor! "After that I'll have EJ's blood on my hands. And I will be guilty of murder. For all the Days Of Our Lives."


Kayla says she took a risk on a guy once, "And I found a love that was so strong it couldn't die, which is more than I can say for him. Nothing has changed."

"Except the guy," says Patch, "He's not here anymore."

"Yes he is," says Kayla, "He's right here in front of me. So I wouldn't tell our daughter to doubt her feelings." Closer... closer...

"Oh, Sweetness...," he walks away, "Please don't."

Kate arranges papers on the desk as EJ comes in. She tells him he had a flurry of phone calls from Italy all afternoon. Kate tells him she has been going over the books. She hopes he covered their backs when he approved the financial reports. EJ tells her he took care of it and walks out into the reception area to make a call, "It's me. Start talking. A problem? You mean that our security's been breached? You mean that Kayla Johnson broke into my father's room? I suggest you start doing your job properly while you still have a job to do." He hangs up, "My dear Kayla. That was not a smart thing to do."

Kayla is willing to trust Stephanie's judgment. Patch thinks she trusts too easily. He thinks she has a selective memory, "Every day on the road was a bitch." Kayla says she wouldn't change anything. "And I'm the one who's locked up," says Steve. He says he doesn't want to hurt her. She has to go.

Kayla picks up her things and drags herself to the door, "I'm not giving up on you." Steve tells her in recovery the first step is letting go. The second step is dragging things out until the audience is so bored they couldn't possibly give a damn anymore.

"I have my own program," says Kayla, "The first step is holding on. Why don't you try it sometime?" She leaves. Patch sits on the bed in his stark and lonely cell.

Lucas comes in and announces he is home. Sami walks out of the bedroom in her nightie and nine-inch stilettos.

She attacks Lucas and throws him onto the couch, but he puts the brakes on things, "Maybe I'm the one with the pre-wedding jitters, but are you sure it's going to work this time?" Sami says she will make it work. OK, that's good enough for Lucas. Romp.

Phillip's on the phone, "BILLIE, it's me! Your brother... NO, PHILLIP. I want to come over and look at your security system. I'm not gonna to set it up at Titan, so I want you to tell me how everything works." FF.


Steve asks, "What's this radical approach that could be my only way of getting out of this dump?" Marlena says, "Deprogramming."

Bo says, "Don't do something stupid." Kayla says, "You know the only foolish thing that I have done here is expecting you would help me."

EJ says to Phillip, "Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that you and I are equals."


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yay! Pelvis action. Philip & Elvis - the perfect match.
Thanks for the prevuze!

4:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I absolutely love this website! You guys are cracking me up! I love your added comments. And I agree, this crap with Steve and kayla is giong to kill me. I hate it and I dont give a crap about them anymore. nor do I give a crap about john and marlena anymore either. thanks for the laughs!

5:55 AM  
Anonymous applecheeks said...

"Hunka, Hunka burnin' love..." ROFLMAO

When Phillip told EJ, "Let's stop working with the amateurs" I thought for a second there that Prevuze had missed a golden opportunity to comment. Got to the next paragraph and realized I should have known better. HAHAHA

"Two hairs past a freckle". I haven't heard that one since 5th grade, and I won't say how many decades it's been since then! Wonder if that was an ad lib or if the writers are just that old??

Fabulous Friday! Thanks!

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! Prevuze! Your Australia joke is so clever.

Jill from Australia

7:02 AM  
Blogger Bulldog said...

Philip and EJ might make a great team (or enemies). I never could figure out why the writers didn't so something silimar with Stefano and Victor.

I LOL over having to work with the amateur writers and the Captain Marvel Mother Disowning Kit.

But you might've saved me today, Prevuze...maybe that ink problem is what's wrong with MY report today! HAHAHAHAHHA

7:23 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

Your Australia joke is so clever.

We appreciate the feedback and would love to take credit, but if you'll notice right above the picture the credit goes to Angela, an Australian reader who sent it in.

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great Prevuze today! Looks like those RATINGS KILLERS are back, STEVE and KAYLA -lol. The new NBC show THE RATINGS KILLERS starring SN and MBE.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Law Student 2011 said...

The ratings were dropping in the toliet before SN and MBE came back, so blame the crappy writing for that NOT THEM.

I loved the Hunka Burning Love LMAO!
Thanks prevuze. awesome as always.

10:37 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...


Sorry, Anon, we have to agree with LS2011. The old computer cowboys used to have a saying: GIGO - Garbage In, Garbage Out. With DOOL, it's more like CICO - Crap In, Crap Out. It is not Steve Nichols and Mary Beth Evans' fault that they are handed the dregs of the literary universe to work with. In our opinion, they do the best they can with the blithering nonsense these writers (I use the term loosely) call material. In fact SN seems to be able to bring it to life with his "Two hairs past a freckle" schtick and at least add some humor. But, for the most part, you could take the two best actors in the world and they still could not get past the mind numbing boredom of two characters constantly arguing about the same square inch of paint drying.

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ratings killers! thats funny!

4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

here's my two cents on the "ratings killers" aka Steve and Kayla. The show has lost over a half a million viewers in three and half months. I think that speaks volumes.

11:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enough of Steve & Kayla. They bore me, and i thought having them back Ii wrong,,

7:31 AM  

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