Friday, January 05, 2007

Hope You Enjoyed Being Fiddled

Lucas reads the newspaper account of Sami rescuing him. They kid around about it, but Sami flashes back to the rape. Kate isn't impressed, "No one even reads the paper any more."

Billie comes in and asks how Lucas is doing. She tells Sami she is a hero. Sami says she didn't do anything.

"So why are we even talking about it," asks Kate.

Billie tells Kate Bonnie kicked her out.

Meanwhile, down at the PD, the cops haul Connor in. He's happy to see Bonnie but the feeling isn't mutual.

"Doggies I missed you, Momma. Show me some sugar," says Connor.

Bonnie smacks his ten-gallon straw hat. "Well," says the hayseed, "Happy to see you too."

Abby can't believe Nick didn't tell Chelsea he is Lonely Splicer. Nick says, "I got a little bit..." Flashback to his love nest with Billie... "distracted."

Abby wants to know what is so hard about this. Nick tells her he told Chelsea he found out Lonely Splicer's real name: Dr. Shane Patton.

Chelsea sits in her room with Stephanie. She wonders why Lonely Splicer won't answer her emails. Stephanie thinks it's because she creeps him out, "Guys don't want stalkers."

Chelsea insists she knows what guys want, "And he wants me."

Caroline, Bo and Hope ogle Waterbug. Caroline takes the baby and leaves. Shawn and Belle rush in with Kayla and tell them Claire is gone. She realized who her real parents are and ran like a scared jackrabbit.

Bonnie inspects Connor. Apparently, the head lice aren't too bad. She tells him he is in big trouble, "A thousand dollars, plus fines. What have you been up to?"

"I've been exploring my natural talents," says Connor, with his overdone drawl.

"Who is she and how pregnant is she," asks Bonnie. Connor says he hasn't been exploring that kind of talents. He's been working with horses – the rodeo. Bonnie tells him he can't do that until he gets his GED.

"Now why would I want to do that," asks Connor. He gives Mimi a wink. Mimi rolls her eyes.

Billie tells Kate bout her living situation. Chelsea can stay with Caroline, but Billie has to find a place. Kate tells Billie she can come and stay with her. Billie is reluctant.

"Oh, come on, Billie," says Sami, "Tell her you'd rather live in a box in a park."

Kate tells Billie she's sure Chelsea would rather stay with her, "rather than that dark, airless room above the Brady Pub."

"Hey," says Sami, "That's my grandparent's pub you're talking about!"

"Well," snorts Kate, "That explains a lot."

Abby tells Nick Chelsea will find out sooner or later there is no Shane Patton, "You were at Chelsea's house. What was the problem?" Nick flashes back and hesitates. "What aren't you telling me," asks Abby.

Stephanie asks, "What do you really knows about Dr. Shane Plankton?"

"That's Patton," says the brat, "I know his heart." Stephanie thinks Chelsea should treat Nick better. The brat insists Nick likes it when she bosses him around.

"Yeah," says Stephanie, "This Shane Patton is not a geek with a permanent wedgie. Look at him. A doctor. He probably drives around in a Ferrari with nurses as personal trainers."

"So why do you think he's so lonely?"

"Because he's playing you," says Stephanie, "He's probably not who he says he is."

Chelsea claims she knows what she is doing when it comes to guys. She advises Stephanie, "So why don't you just keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. You might learn a thing or two."

Hope thinks CPS tracking down Belle and Shawn and taking Claire at the hospital doesn't make any sense.

"It's DOOL," says Kayla, "What does sense have to do with anything? Victor is suing for custody of Claire."

Hope thinks there must be something they can do. "You bet there is," says Bo. He tells Shawn to stay put, as Belle puts on an emotional display for the ages and begs him to do something. Bo and Steve head out to the rescue. Belle's tears flood the pub.

"Ladies," says Connor, "I'm not a 'be in your seat by the bell' kinda guy. I'm a 'make sure the trailer has Direct TV' kinda guy."

Connor gives "Mumu" a card from her dad. She thinks it's sweet. Since "Mumu" has offered to pay the fines, Bonnie asks her to get to it so they can get out of there.

"Take your time, Mumu," says Connor. Bonnie slaps him upside the haid. "What did you do that for, Ma?"

Billie wishes she could do better for Chelsea and her, "There was a time when I had a good job."

"The market for upscale cosmetics is fickle," says Kate. That ISA job of hers just kind of evaporated, didn't it?

Sami has an idea. Kate tells her to mind her own business, but Sami says, "I think I know a way you and Chelsea could live alone. Would you be interested?"

"No," says Kate.

"Yes," says Billie.

Stephanie asks how the brat knows so much about life and guys. The brat says she is more sophisticated than Stephanie ever will be, "That's how I knew Max was going to dump you."

"So did you know he was going to dump you, too," asks Stephanie, "Because you were just as crazy about him as I was." The brat claims she was just enjoying her time with Max... just hanging out. Stephanie sees through it.

Abby says, "Whatever it is you should tell me. And where is your belt?"

"What belt?"

"The one that's not holding up your pants," says Abby, "You are such a child."

"A child with a job and a college degree," says the geek, "I've got things pretty well figured out."

"Until there is a girl in the room, and then you act like you're twelve," says Abby. She offers to make things easier for Nick and tell Chelsea the truth. She starts to pick up the phone. Nick grabs the phone and stops her.

Belle falls apart as Shawn, Kayla and Hope gather around her. Caroline comes in with baby Nemo and joins in. Mission accomplished! The world once again revolves around Belle. Hope hands baby _________ over to Belle.

Belle screams in horror, "OMG! It's the same doll we used for Claire! " Belle holds the baby and retreats into her tiny, tiny, dark little world.

Stephanie packs up and leaves. She tells the brat Dr. Patton will leave her when he finds out who she really is. The brat claims he will be back for seconds three seconds later, "I'm already under his skin."

"Yeah," says Stephanie, "Like ringworm." She takes off.

Nick tells Abby he will tell Chelsea when he is ready. He says, "You are just as insane about Max as I am about Chelsea. When are you going to spew your love all over him?"

"I don't know about spewing," says Abby, "But I hurled when I caught him and Mimi together. It's a lost cause. I practically saved his life. And Mimi's. but he's so into her he's practically forgotten about me."

"He doesn't know what he's missing."

"And neither do you," says Abby, "You've got to stop whining for Chelsea and find a girl who likes you for you. You're not going to stay a virgin forever, right?"

Nick says, "I saw Chelsea naked the other day when I was hiding under her bed. Virginity has its place."

Sami suggests Billie could take Lucas' apartment. The guy who was going to take it backed out. And they would be family living down the hall from each other.

Prevuze

"What do you say," asks Sami, "Do you want to be neighbors?" Billie ponders. Kate rolls her eyes and does her tongue thing.

Bo and Patch barge into CPS. Bo wants to know what is going on. Beverly says CPS received creditable evidence that Claire was living in an unacceptable environment, "We have minimal IQ standards for parents in this county."

"Is that what he told you," asks Bo, "These reports came from Victor Kiriakis. Daddy. He played you like a violin, lady. Hope you enjoyed being fiddled."

Caroline just can't believe Victor would do something like this. "You've got to lay off the Bloody Mary's for breakfast," says Kayla.

Belle is somewhere off in deep space. She drones, "Look at her eyes..."

Victor walks in. Shawn rushes him, "You SOB!" Kayla rounds him up and prevents a scene.

"Is that my granddaughter," asks Victor. Belle hands the baby to Hope. Hope pulls the old Statue-Of-Liberty play and hands her back to Belle. Shawn blocks as he and Belle head down the sidelines of the pub with baby Pigskin.

Victor tells Caroline he is there to make peace. Everybody gangs up on poor Victor. Belle must've spiked baby Pigskin in the end zone because she doesn't have her any more. She lays into Victor with a fury that would make Satan proud, "Shawn is Claire's father, not Phillip! He walked out on that little girl."

Victor responds with all the warmth of an Antarctic steel shed, "I'm sorry you feel that way, Belle. You could lose what little access to Claire you will have. Because I guarantee that's what will happen if you choose to fight us on this."

Belle goes into a trance. Is there an exorcist in the house?

Connor rubs his head, "Owwwwww! That one really hurt, Ma!"

Bonnie reminds him she had him come out there so he could help protect the family. Connor asks, "Why not just get it over with and tell Mimi what happened?"

Bonnie says, "You know we never want Mimi to find out the truth about... you know."

If you're new to DOOL, you probably don't expect what comes next. 'New to DOOL' being defined as having watched it for less than one day. Mimi walks in and says, "Find out the truth about what, Mom?"

Sami is just trying to see to it that Kate's daughter and granddaughter are taken care of. Billie isn't sure she could afford the rent in their building.

"Wow," says Lucas, "You're worse off than we thought. We'd have to move up just to get into a slum. Come on, you're family. I'll talk to the landlord. Come on! Do-it! Do-it!"

"Nick and I already did Do-it," says Billie.

Nick asks, "Can we just drop the whole virgin thing? Don't make me sorry I told you about it."

"Why not," says Abby, "Because it's not true any more? Yesterday you were a virgin and today you're not."

Chelsea walks into the front of the garage, "Abby? Hello..."

Abby tells Nick now is the time to tell her he is Lonely Splicer. Nick insists he can't do it. She invites Chelsea in. She comes through the door and smiles, "NICKY! Just the guy I was looking for. Right now I really, really need you."

"You do?"

"Yeah," says the brat, "I need you not to be such a jerk." Nick jerks.

Beverly tells the boys the court made this decision, not her. Steve asks where Claire is right now. Bev tells him she is with the CPS people until her foster parents arrive. Bo insists Claire needs her family, not foster parents. Beverly tells them the foster parents have been carefully interviewed and selected. She couldn't possibly let Claire stay with her grandparents because the negligent parents are there on a regular basis.

"The only ones Claire needs protection from is Victor and you, since he's obviously got you in his pocket," says Bo.

Shawn wants to know if Victor wants to fight. Shawn can take any great-grandpa in the city. Shawn insists no judge would take Claire from him and Belle.

Victor says, "Even when the judge finds out that while Phillip was off fighting for his country Claire's so-called father was shacked up with a prostitute while in the employ of a man who had a warrant out for his arrest?" Victor can take any moron in the city.

Shawn decides to help Victor out by digging his own grave, "Are you forgetting I drove a car into your living room?"

"It all adds up to the fact that you are a very unstable young man," says Victor, "One that no court would entrust with a child."

"That's not true," says Shawn, "I have Belle! "

Three – two – one – zero – BLAST OFF! Belle unleashes her fury on Victor. All of this could have been avoided if he had just told the truth. "I did what I had to do to protect my family," says Victor. Kayla steps in and suggests they hear what Victor is proposing.

Connor insists he and Bonnie were talking about school. He tried, failed and blew it. Mimi whines, "Aw... your GED? Con, all you have to do is keep trying, OK? I'll work with you. I'll help you."

"Thanks," says Con, "But I really don't want to fail again."

Kate says she isn't going to tell Billie what to do. Billie warns them that Chelsea gets up really early and listens to her music really loud.

"That's OK," says Sami, "As long as it's not Clay Aiken. You can't scare us off." She turns to Lucas, "Right, honey?"

"Right," says Mr. PW. He grunts, "Honey... easy on my foot!" Sami stops twisting the little piggy that went to market. "Thanks," says the little piggy that got laid .

Billie accepts. She runs to pack.

"Happy now," asks Kate.

"Yeah," says Sami, "Thanks for asking."

Chelsea sweet talks her "Big Throbbing Brain" and asks what is taking him so long finding Dr. Shane Patton. Nick says he was waylaid. No comment. The brat tells him to "hop to it."

Bo practically attacks Beverly and asks if she thinks she is the first person to take cash from Victor. Patch backs him off and tries to reason with Beverly. She insists the case is out of her hands now.

"That's bull," says Bo.

"Rules are rules," says Beverly.

"This guy's a cop," says Patch, "He knows all about rules. If he didn't, how could he break so many of them? You guys are on the same page." Beverly says she just wants to do her job without being threatened or harassed. She says if they don't get out, she will have them removed.

Victor says Phillip will settle if they are willing to have him named as Claire's primary parent. Belle dangles from the edge of the cliff.

Victor turns to Kayla, "If she can't control her emotion..."

Kayla says, "Belle, don't give him any fresh ammunition." When it comes to that kind of ammunition, Belle is a Howitzer.

Shawn tells him to say what he has to and get out. He is dead to them. Victor says, "All Phillip cares about is the welfare of the child, which means he wants her raised in a stable environment. We have the resources. Phillip wants to be her primary parent and will let you visit any time you want. I think that's fair."

Belle fires the Howitzer. She makes a 21-gun salute look like a broken cap gun. She retreats to her home planet, which we all know is not earth. Shawn opens the door and says, "You can take your fair offer and shove it. Get the hell out!" Victor shoves it and limps toward the door.

As Sami advises Kate to let her feelings out a reporter from the spectator busts in and says he wants a picture of Sami for a big feature on her in this Sunday's paper. Sami goes to freshen up. Kate asks the reporter if there isn't any other news, "You're flogging this dead horse of a story."

"Beating dead horses is what we do on DOOL," says the reporter.

"She saved my life," says Lucas, "You can admit you were wrong about her any time now. I'm listening." Listening. Lucas has picked up a new trick.

Freshened Sami comes back and the photographer places her on the bed beside Lucas. Kate leaves. It's too much for her to deal with. The photographer snaps the picture.

Chelsea prods, "Nicky... Nicky..."

Nick explodes, "NO! MY NAME IS NICK! You need to work on the way you ask people for favors. Starting right now, I won't do anything for you."

Beverly tells Patch and Bo to get out. Steve wants to know what she will do if they don't. Bo asks to see Claire and then they will go. As he and Beverly argue, Patch sits in a chair where the light from hell hits him in the face. A distorted vision says, "Say it. You know what you have to do. Say it. Say it." Patch contorts.

Victor turns and tells Caroline to reason with "these children." They have to realize there is no way to win this fight. Caroline tells him this is her pub and she wants him out.

Victor says, "Well, I'll see you all in court." He turns and leaves.

Belle's mind comes out of its dark place momentarily, "That man doesn't deserve to live, does he?" Everyone looks at Belle. Belle stares. Behind the eyes – nothing.

Sami and Lucas play nerf-basketball. Sami makes a girl-throw, which goes wild. Lucas nearly falls out of bed trying to retrieve it. Sami retrieves Lucas. Slap and tickle ensues. Sami screams for him to stop. Lucas asks if she really wants him to stop. Of course not. "What my little hero wants," says Lucas, "My little hero gets."

Sami stops him, "Lucas..."

"You really are my hero," says Lucas, "I love you so much." Sami crawls up on the bed. Lucas suggests playing doctor. Kate walks in and suddenly is in desperate need of one.

Chelsea wants to know what is wrong with her little Nicky. He's sick of being her little lap dog, "Find some other poodle to kick. I'm over it and I'm over you."

Everyone crowds around Belle and tells her she will get through this. Now that she's the center of attention again, things are a little better. Kayla says a court won't take a child from its birth parents. Caroline says that is why Victor wanted to settle.

Mystery guy walks in looking for Shawn Brady and Belle Black-cloud . They introduce themselves. "You have been subpoenaed," he says, "The hearing is tomorrow in family court."

Belle looks at the paper, "So, there is no judge that will listen, huh?" The space cadet heads for another trip into orbit.

Beverly tells Bo he can't go anywhere near Claire. The demons take control inside Patch's head. He lunges at Beverly's desk and runs right off the rails, "THAT MAN! SEES HIS GRANDDAUGHTER NOW! YOU HEAR ME! NOW! RIGHT NOW!" Bo. Patch. FF. The fires of hell burn in the background.


Previews
========

Shawn says, "All I'm hearing is that Victor has everything and we have nothing. All right, you tell us what we have to do, counselor. You tell us what Belle and I have to do to get our daughter back."

Billie says, "You haven't even asked me about the surprise yet. Don't you want to know what it is? It's a good one." Chelsea hugs her, "Mom, thank you so much."

Abby says to Nick, "My gosh, it's true. You had sex with Chelsea's mom."

7 Comments:

Anonymous applecheeks said...

OMG! Prevuze was definitely worth waiting for this morning. "Waterbug", "Nemo" got me going and by the time I hit the football analogy and Belle spiking Pigskin in the end zone I'd totally lost it.

I'm still laughing at all the fabulous Prevuisms like Shawn digging his own grave, and the entire description of Belle's reaction to Vic's proposal.

Finally, I appreciate the acknowledgement for the first picture idea, but I think Bulldog was the one who made that comment yesterday. ;-)

7:34 AM  
Blogger Bulldog said...

Whew! I am so relieved that Prevuze is up and running! I agree, it was well worth the wait. I bet Prevuze went with Patch thru the fires of Hell to get it posted.

I loved the new names for the poor nameless doll - er - baby. "Waterbug." HAHAHAHHA

I can't wait to see what the new Connor-Hick is like. And if Billie is worried about affording the apartment WHY DOESN'T SHE GET A JOB?? Oh, I forget - this is DOOL. Jobs are practically unheard of.

Excellent Prevuze today. I can't wait to see what other names it will come up with. :D

7:48 AM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

"'Nemo' got me going"

You just can't be a Prevuze reader unless you are up to date on your classic Greek literature.

...Or was it Roman...

...Or Buena Vista...

8:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All this Lumi stuff is cute and all but in TV guide Allison Sweeney said Sami CHEATED on Lucas. CHEATING isn't RAPE. Here is what she said: Obviously, she cheated on Lucas, even though she didn't want to. The great thing about it is that, in a way, Sami did the right thing! What, is her virtue more important than Lucas' life? That's ridiculous. But it's a big awakening for Sami to see that not only is she in this mess, but she did it to herself, by associating with EJ even though she was warned about him. When you're an adult, you can't keep blaming your problems on your parents and your childhood. Sami's not doing that anymore, and that's a big step for her.

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy Sh*t, I just fell off my chair laughing so hard! Especially the "If you're new to DOOL..." comment. So predictable, EVERY TIME!

"Waterbug," "Belle Black-Cloud," etc. etc. It was worth the wait!

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm amazed that Connor finally showed up! The rodeo sounds like a great destination for ALL the Lockharts!
Thanks, Prevuze. Another spot on hit!!
Foo

5:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well we always knew that Bonnie was a rodeo clown, so to have her "baby" end up in the rodeo doesnt really surprise me.

What I want to know is when are they finally going to be rid of the lunancy of the Lockhart's??? I just can't wait to have a day sans those idiots!

And as far as Baby Belle and Shawn go, when are they going to get the idea that throwing temper tantrums like babies isn't going to get them what they want... their baby?

Cant wait to see what happens next

11:54 AM  

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