Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Prevuze' Prayer

Things just keep getting worse with the satellite situation. Today, we didn't even get a Canadian feed, so I have nothing to report.

I think God is punishing me.

This whole episode has made me sit down and reflect on some of the terrible things I have said and done and I think it's time I made amends.

Dear Lord...

I have sinned and ask your forgiveness.

Forgive me for being less than complimentary about the writing on DOOL. I have come to realize in my state of deep sin that the writers on this show are at least as talented as William Shakespeare... when he was four.

Forgive me for calling Kate a 'ho' or a 'hooker' or even using the now politically incorrect term 'prostitute.' I was wrong to refer to her as anything but a 'horizontal refreshment therapist.'

Forgive me for calling the Salem Police Department a bunch of dumb cops. In my new found state of contrition I now realize this was a terrible insult to dumb cops everywhere.

Forgive me for saying Sami is a blithering screaming adolescent. The fact is, I actually apologized for this before, but you couldn't hear me over the racket of one of Sami's blithering, screaming adolescent fits.

Forgive me for saying OMB couldn't remember his lines and read them from cue cards. I knew all along he didn't do that since Alzheimer's long ago affected his reading ability.

Forgive me for calling Billie a two-bit ho. Even as I said those cruel and hurtful words I knew down deep that she charged more than that.

Forgive me for calling Lucas a juvenile prankster. I would ask thee to give me a pass on that one, though, since I have already been punished for saying it. Lucas found out what I said and he dumped a bucket of paint over my head and then doused me with a fire extinguisher.

Forgive me for the side-by-side picture I showed of Caroline with an old nag of a horse next to her and labeled it "Separated at birth." I realize Caroline is a classy lady and I should have used a picture of Secretariat.

Forgive me for thinking that Sami, Lucas, Bo and Hope are terrible parents. And if they can ever find Allie, Johnny and Ciara, I'll apologize to them directly. I'll also apologize to Will if they don't ship him back off to Europe.

Forgive me for calling Maggie a busybody. Although, just between you and me, Lord, I understand she's spreading that Sampson and Delilah thing all over town.


Forgive me for saying Max Brady is a clueless loser. I mean, name one other world-class and world-famous race driver who has risen to the heights of tending bar and sweeping floors in not one, but TWO town dives, and who can't get a date with anyone he's not related to.

Forgive me for implying Kayla was fat. That was unkind and untrue. I don't know how I could have been so cruel to do that, and I should be grateful to her since she was the sole reason I bought a wide screen TV.

Forgive me for making fun of Phillip's fake body parts. I have now come to realize his prosthetics are miracles of modern science. Not only has peg-leg completely lost his limp, but the last time he was in bed with Stephanie, we actually got a shot of both feet. Dem'z some damn good fake body parts.

Forgive me for suggesting Lexie is a bad doctor. Please allow all of her former patients into heaven the minute she is done treating them.

Forgive me for accusing Dr. Daniel of groping Chloe's boobs. The simple fact is that anyone who has had a physical relationship with Chloe has groped a boob.

Forgive me for suggesting Princess Hope is a holier-than-thou fraud. The truth is I think she's a saint for so quickly accepting and loving Ciara without having a clue as to who the hell the father was.

Forgive me for saying EJ is so dumb he couldn't find his butt with both hands. What I should have said was he couldn't find his wife's foam rubber fake baby bump with both hands. And didn't.

Forgive me for my feelings of joy when Owen locked Stephanie in the morgue drawer. I should have known that six inch thick solid steel surrounding her wouldn't be enough to muffle her irritating and incessant whining.

Forgive me for on several occasions calling Mickey a bad attorney. This was a terrible injustice and all I ask is if anyone from DOOL sues me for anything I have said about the show, please let Mickey be their attorney so I don't have to worry about losing the case.

Forgive me for suggesting Chelsea had an eating disorder. I have since repented and come to realize that for one to have an eating disorder, one must first eat something.

Forgive me for wishing Melanie would go back to Paris and stay there forever. Upon solemn reflection, I can't think of a thing the Parisians have done to deserve such a terrible fate.

And above all, forgive me for wasting the precious life you have given me by watching DOOL.


Oh, one more thing, Lord... please hear my prayer along with thousands of our readers and give Norris the Satellite guy the strength, wisdom (and sobriety) to fix our satellite system.

So here's where the situation stands, guys. Norris is due back here this afternoon. We're going to make one last ditch effort to save the system and I'll keep you updated as to how that goes.

In the meantime I'll watch today's show on regular network TV (Oh, the horror! ) and I'm sure I'll have some things to say about that on Twitter. Then we'll see how things go tomorrow morning. I sure hope my prayer tomorrow will be one of thanks.

NOTE – you can now follow Prevuze on twitter at:


Anonymous Berg said...

hmmm...I have thought all this time we were in hell with the latest storylines and horrible writing so maybe this is God's way of giving us little glimpse of heaven. No more whining, no more dull storylines, no more excessive for no reason shirtless men, no more Prevuze...WAIT! That would mean I might have to *GASP* either have time to do my real job, actually interact with my family, or (and I choke down a little vomit as I say this) watch the actual show! What kind of God would do such a thing????? SO I can only assume, we have angered him.

Dear sweet baby jesus, please forgive us for our blatant rumblings about how awful this show is. While we can't take them back, and I make no promises to say the most vile things I can in the future, is it truly fair to put us through this kind of punishment?

Please do not let this be the day the laughter died for us.

On another note: How rich is Norris how?

3:56 AM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

Amen. I couldn't help but note that Prevuze is not contrite about anything said about Nicole. God is most certainly understanding and fair minded. Upon viewing DOOL, God also knows that everything Prevuze has said about her is true, and, therefore, there is no need for guilt. Hey wait a minute!! If God recognizes that Nicole is nothing but a two bit money grubbing tramp, I'm sure he/she knows that Prevuze has been preaching the gospel, along with truth, justice, and the American way, to the faithful! Prevuze, you are saved!!! Hopefully, Norris can lay his hands on the cable and bring it back to life. If that doesn't work, try rubbing chicken bones over it while chanting "DOOL is so bad it's regurgitatingly good".

You go Norris! A hopeful Prevuze nation is counting on you!

5:06 AM  
Anonymous Berg said...

"DOOL is so bad it's regurgitatingly good".

And that should be printed and put on a t-shirt.

I smell a Prevuze store coming soon....

5:39 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

Oh Heavenly Father - I now realize what a great blessing DOOL is. It provides interludes between Prevuisms during which we can catch our breath, compose ourselves, and get ready for the next snark.

Reading so many Prevuisms back-to-back is definitely hazardous to your health and employment status. I haven't laughed so hard for so long in, like, forever.

And, thank you Lord for Prevuze who gives me a reason to get up in the morning and drag myself to a computer!

6:47 AM  
Anonymous Betyar said...

God please give Norris the Satellite guy the strength, wisdom (and sobriety) to fix the Prevuze satellite system, so that they can continue in their own blaspheming ways to deliver our daily dose of "it's so bad it's regurgitatingly good" DOOL, ensuing that in the future they create equally vile sayings which then they can then market as merchandise worty of DOOL, to be sold in their upcomming store at an unknown location to be disclosed at a later date...Amen!

6:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe Phillip has artificial legs and real feet.

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

And if it helps, Lord, forgive all of us for all the times we've laughed at Prevuze' sins, for that makes us just as guilty.

Having said that, Lord, forgive me for LOL over the Stephalip picture and sinful recap today.

And we are looking forward to tomorrow's Prevuze and are keeping our fingers and toes crossed, wearing a mustard seed and putting a lucky penny in our shoes because that couldn't hurt either!

Amen. :D

7:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok. I just have to say it. I've held my tongue long enough. Now that they're out of the drawers, I have to say it. Having worked in a hospital and visited the morgue on more than one occasion, I am here to say that those drawers in a morgue are...get this now...refrigerated. Yes, not only would baby Steph have been whining from lack of air, she would have been freezing to death too. I also noticed when Bo and Hope led the bludgeoned Owen out of the morgue,neither one had on rubber gloves. Now you know in a morgue there would be rubber gloves. Also, Phillip kept taking Stephanie's face in his hands and kissing her. Ewwww. I wouldn't want Owen's blood all over my face.
Brady's head must be harder than we think. He took that long fall onto a marble floor and it didn't even phase him.
When nosey Lucas found the 12 step pamphlet in Mia's english book, why didn't she just say she was using it as reference material for a paper she was writing on drugs?
And, how sad for Sami that she has this guy that is with her about all the time, adopts her daughter and gives her good lovin in the afternoon, yet he just can't bring himself to make a committment of marriage. He can commit his lifelong devotion to her baby...but not to her. Talk about getting the milk for free. But, then again, she does put down that he's a construction worker. Hey, they do hard work and get paid pretty good for it. It's better than the job she hasn't had for years. What? Is she holding out for a management position? She's doing pretty good on welfare, huh?
Oh, and why on earth did Nicole even tell EJ about Rafe adopting Grace if she turns around and gets upset that he reacted like he did? If she didn't want a reaction out of him, she shouldn't have bothered him with it. When will this story EVER end?

9:55 AM  
Anonymous ronnie said...

Someone had better fix this soon. I don't want to have to start actually watching the show. *shivers*

12:10 PM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

The good news: Norris says the satellite is fixed. The bad news: That's what he said last time... and the time before.

2:19 PM  

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