High Maintenance Bad News Women

Stefano plays with himself. CUT IT OUT! He's playing a game of chess by himself. Anna comes in and Stefano tells her he wants a word with her.

Kayla plays doctor. CUT IT OUT! She's doing the best she can. Hope meets her and wants to go out for the evening. Kayla says she promised Steve she would watch L'il Joe while he and Bo go out for the evening and get stinking drunk at the cheatin' heart. Hope tells her she has arranged for poor Caroline to care for Ciara and L'il Joe while they go have a girl's night out, "Come on, you wouldn't actually want to see the kid, wouldja? "

Sawyer and his mom come up to Lexie and Theo. Innocent little Sawyer asks, "Why doesn't Theo ever talk?"

His mom says, "Because Theo's mommy never lets anyone get a word in edgewise."

EJ tells Nicole to stay out of Sami's affairs. He tells her about his adventure at the Horton cabin. EJ says he knows it was Nicole who called the cops.

Roman hauls Sami into his office and grills her about her trip to the Horton cabin. He reads her the riot act and tells her to follow the court order. Sami refuses. Marlena butts in and says if that's the case Lucas will get full custody.

EJ wants to know why Nicole called the police. Nicole says, "Sami is the way she is... selfish, manipulative and a horrible excuse for a human being... because people always clean up after her mistakes. Do you realize that Sami has blackmailed almost everyone we know?"

EJ says, "That may be true, but if you can blackmail people, doesn't that mean they've done something really bad? Just asking..."

Nicole goes on with the litany of Sami's sins, "She's switched paternity test results more times than I can count. Anyone else would have gone to prison for doing what she has done. If you don't count death row she always gets away free."

EJ says that doesn't make it OK for Nicole to call the police on her, "I agree, however. Samantha is out of control."

Lexie and Sawyer's mom make excuses for Theo. Lexie tells mommy Theo is autistic. Sawyer's mom reels in horror, "GASP! And he's not quarantined?" Sawyer's mom says another classmate, Matthew Benson, was diagnosed with autism, too. She offers to get the Benson's phone number for Lexie.

Lexie's shocked, "The Bensons have come back from the dead, too?
That'll really shock Chelsea." Sawyer and his mom leave and go wash the autism cooties off in the restroom. EJ comes to the table. He tries in vain to communicate with Theo. Lexie tells him things are fine.

Daniel comes up to the bar and sits by Nicole. Nicole tells him she's only drinking OJ. One comment from Daniel about living the clean life and she switches to booze.

Sami doesn't think the judge would give Lucas sole custody. She says she went to the Horton cabin because she was worried and tells Roman Allie was unattended when she got there, "Lucas has behaved completely irresponsibly. I have a good mind to go back out there..."

Marlena interrupts, "Stop it! You sound like a spoiled brat. Samantha, you need to grow up. You are a woman with three children. I think your father might disagree with you too. He'd better or I'll make him wish he did. I raised you better than that."

Marlena storms out. Roman follows and tells her he agrees but thinks she was too hard on Sami. Marlena doesn't. She thinks they've been too soft on her, "She's a spoiled selfish manipulator. Her children will pick up those same traits just like my children got them from me. If you don't cooperate she will never change."

Hope tells Kayla it's been forever since they hung out together. "I know," says Kayla, "Just like it's been forever since I hung out with L'il Joe." Kayla continues to protest but finally folds. Hope says she is glad Steve and Bo are at the cheatin' heart, "It's always best to know where your husband is without him knowing where you are. Bo needs the distraction. He's been really angry lately about Stefano."

"Steve, too," says Kayla, "That and the fact that I threw out his old pair of jeans."

Anna wants to leave, but Stefano convinces her to stay. He hands her a drink. She asks, "You didn't lace this with arsenic, did you?"

"Of course not," says Stefano, "My poison of choice is mercury." He shows her a family album with Tony in it, "Here he is at his first communion. Here he is playing cricket. Here he is romping around with Li-Li and La-La on the tropical island..." Stefano says he had high hopes for Anthony, but he has betrayed him, "And for that, he will pay."

Sami broods. Roman comes back in and says he ran into judge Henderson. Henderson has heard about her little trip to the cabin so he has extended Lucas' time with Allie, "He took your actions as a slap in the face." Sami starts to call her lawyer. Roman counsels her to settle down.

Nicole says Pookie is on a play date. Daniel can't believe she is serious. "Pookie is my best friend now that Ava Vitali is gone," says Nicole. Daniel asks why she's sticking around if she's so alone and unhappy. Nicole thinks that's personal.

Daniel says, "Well, we're way past talking about the weather."

"I know," says Nicole, "But this conversation is a lot more boring than talking about the weather." She finally says she stayed in Salem because of a guy. Now she's here because of a different guy. She excuses herself to go hurl.

EJ thinks Lexie is upset. He says he knows about Theo's diagnosis, "If you need help..."

Lexie cuts him off, "Can you get him to stop spinning the wheels on this truck?"

"Maybe ," says EJ, "Can he get me to stop spinning my wheels with Sami? "

"I wish Abe and I were on the list of people who fill his interests," says Lexie.

"Perhaps it takes interesting people to fill his interests," says EJ.

Theo plays with a spoon. He flings it and EJ catches it. He tells Lexie he's still living at the mansion. He says he hasn't seen much of Stefano though. Theo makes a nuisance of himself. Like son like mother. Lexie tells EJ about being called up for a performance review. Theo distracts. Lexie says there are a few board members who aren't exactly her best friends. EJ reminds her, "But Victor, Maggie and Mickey are on the board."

"Those are the ones I'm talking about," says Lexie. He tries to encourage her. Lexie tells him Abe is livid that Stefano wasn't prosecuted. Theo distracts. Lexie lectures, "Do not play with your spoon!" Theo ignores her and tosses the spoon. EJ retrieves it and wicked mommy Lexie takes it from him. Theo grabs for it and we have a tug-o-war.

"WAH WAH WAH."

Theo cries, too. Lexie hangs onto the spoon like one of her leeches holds on while it's sucking blood. Theo grabs it again. Lexie wants the spoon. Theo wants the spoon. Gag me with a spoon.

The entire pub listens to the children fighting. Daniel tells Nicole about the autism diagnosis. Nicole says motherhood isn't at the top of her agenda. Her stomach is upset, "Too many things going on at once, I guess."

"Too many cosmos, screwdrivers and martinis is my guess," says Daniel. He suggests coming by so he can run tests.

Nicole blows her stack, "What is the thing with you doctors that you think every little ailment is a big deal?"

"It's that better safe than sorry thing," says Daniel.

"It's nothing," says Nicole, "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz and I'll be OK. As long as the fizz is from a bottle of champagne." She wants to know why he's in Salem.

"Same reason as you," says Daniel.

Nicole steals the line right out from under me, "Because of a guy?"

"Very funny," says Daniel, "Although, I've gotta tell you, a guy might be a lot easier to get along with."

Nicole asks, "Are you in love with her."

Daniel says, "That's pretty personal... yeah I care for her. We hit a little roadblock."

"Why don't you just get together with her and iron it out," asks Nicole.

"Because she's in France."

Nicole does a double take, "Are we talking about Chelsea Little Chelsea? Young Chelsea Bo and Hope's baby ?" Busted!

Lexie says Theo misses Chelsea and that's why he's acting up. She asks about Johnny. "He has a cold," says EJ, "He's pretty cranky right now. His mommy is cranky, too. He tells her about the joint custody and the Horton cabin caper. He says he's worried about Sami and he still cares about her.

Lexie can't believe that one, "EJ you are a glutton for punishment."

Anna tries to leave. Stefano hopes she will share with Tony what they discussed. She tells him to stop with the empty threats. He says his threats aren't empty. He also says he cherished Tony. Anna doesn't believe that, "I've seen your version of love and it's brutal."

Kayla says she knows her husband and that's why she thinks he's going after Stefano. Hope thinks Patch can't take Stefano on his own. She promises to talk to Bo, "Bo and I will keep an eye on him."

"Good," says Kayla, "That one's all he's got left." Marlena joins them. They ask her to come with them for the ladies night out. "Sure," says Marlena, "Where are we going to find the ladies?"

Kayla goes to get ready. Hope says they are working to link Stefano to her poisoning. They need to know why he was targeting her. Marlena says, "Stefano was paying me back for what I did to him. Kayla comes back and interrupts. Marlena tells her what they were talking about. Kayla takes it in stride and Hope figures out Kayla knows something.

Marlena comes clean, "I was responsible for Stefano's coma."

The audience yells in unison, "Not to mention ours."

EJ tells Lexie he isn't sure he's ready for a relationship now. Lexie wonders if that's because he's still in love with Sami. Lexie pries. EJ looks over at Nicole. Lexie gives him the eye. "WHAT," asks EJ.

Lexie gets it, "Nicole..."

Daniel tells her he and Chelsea are seeing each other. Nicole thinks Bo must not be happy about that, "What did you do to send her running to France?"

"Not what... who." Nicole hopes things work out for him.

EJ says he and Nicole are kindred spirits. They both like elevators. He tells Lexie Nicole called the cops on Sami. Lexie says she spoke to Nicole about her potential relationship with EJ and encouraged her to go for it. Lexie says she doesn't trust Nicole but thought she could get EJ to stop chasing after Sami, "Nicole is the lesser of two evils. You seem to be attracted to high maintenance, bad news women."

EJ says he likes spunk and ambition.

Sami rants. She says she has Allie's best interests at heart. A Cop comes in "Roman, we have a situation in the interrogation room."

Roman leaves this situation to go to that situation. As he goes he leans back in the door and tells Sami, "Stay out of trouble."

Sami mumbles, "I-hear-ya." Translation: "I don't hear ya."

Marlena tells Hope about the injection. Hope asks, "Who knows about this?"

Kayla chimes in, "John, Sami, Roman, and I know about it. Maybe EJ and Tony, Too.

"Next time," says Hope, "I'll ask who doesn't know. That would take less time."

Marlena says she isn't proud of what she did, "I violated my oath as a doctor. Again."

Kayla drops her jaw and turns to Marlena, "Oath? What oath?"

Marlena says she would do it again.

Stefano says soon he will have a new album filled with pictures of his new heir, "Kate can be the mother of my child."

"Is that why you want to get together with her? What about love," asks Anna.

"Ah yes love," says Stefano, "A sometimes useless emotion." Anna leaves and passes on taking the album. Stefano's maid comes in, "Miss Brady asked me to give this to Mr. Black. He's unavailable and it's urgent." She hands the note to Stefano. He reads...

Daniel looks across the room at EJ, "It's him, isn't it?" Nicole admits it is. Daniel says she has been staring at him all night. Nicole says for once she wants to get a relationship right.

"Honesty is the best policy," says Daniel.

"Where did you get that," asks Nicole, "Off of a cereal box?"

"No," says Daniel, "The Guy Manual says that's what I'm supposed to say even though I don't believe it."

Nicole thinks EJ is still hung up on his ex. He counsels her to go for it. What's the worst that could happen?"

"A lot of things," says Nicole.

"None as bad as being best friends with a dog," says Daniel.

Nicole asks, "Does that Guy Manual say anything about diplomacy?"

Theo lets EJ play with his truck. Lexie watches as Theo gives it to him. EJ gives it back to Theo to look after for him. Lexie is impressed. Don't sell yourself short," says Lexie."

"Don't worry," says EJ, "If I'm selling anything short this week, it's Lehman Brothers." He leaves.

Sawyer and his mom come back and say goodbye, too.

Hope tells Marlena Stefano isn't through with her yet. They decide they will all be ready for him.

The cop comes back into Roman's office and announces Sami has a visitor. Stefano comes in. He offers to help her. Sami isn't in the mood for it, "You can go to hell!" Sami storms out.

Stefano chuckles, "Good ole hell. What would they do without it?"

DOOL ANNOUNCES CHANGES In a surprise move, NBC today announced major changes to its venerable soap opera Days Of Our Lives. Lately, the show has been plagued by the rising expense of having to rent dump trucks, fill them with cash and dump them into the Los Angeles area sewage system. Executive producer Ken Corday attributed the necessity of this strange ritual to the recent hiring of Dena Higley as head writer, "While we are very much aware of the effect of dumping money down the poop chute on our bottom line, I have to say Dena certainly brings a lot to the show." When pressed for examples of what the new head writer brings to the show, Corday said, "Every year on her birthday she brings Krispy Kremes so we can help her celebrate. Bo, Roman and Abe especially appreciate this unselfish gesture and each of them eats two." Corday went on to say the show now plans to save money by taping in black and white, showing the same episode over and over and changing the name of the show to 'Groundhog Day.' Ms. Higley was unavailable for comment. According to her secretary, Higley is unexpectedly detained at an advanced writing seminar where she has been shown two pictures: one of her butt and one of a hole in the ground. Ms. Higley will return from the seminar once she is able to determine the difference between the two. On a more positive note, sources report it only took Ms. Higley two days to distinguish a pile of cow dung from a can of Shinola.

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