Saturday, December 29, 2007

2007 Family Of The Year

As we look back at the eventful year of 2007, Prevuze would like to take this opportunity to reflect and make its coveted Family of the Year Award to Lucas Roberts Horton, Sami Brady Roberts Horton Wells DiMera, their young, but mentally more mature son, William Robert Reed Roberts Horton, their twin infants John Roman "Johnny" Wells DiMera, Alice Caroline "Ali" Roberts Horton and, of course, the man who completes this marital exercise in circular logic, EJ Elvis Wells DiMera. Usually, matching monogrammed sweaters accompany this award but, in this case, there is not enough thread in the country for all those initials. We know you will understand.

Not only did Sami and Lucas get married this year, but they also shared two full days of sweaty wedded bliss demolishing buildings in New Orleans prior to everything falling apart. Unfortunately, after that, the home they wrecked was their own. For a while, things went fairly well. Sami popped the twins and it didn't even take too long to figure out who the fathers were. We think.

Anyway, continuing the saga, Sami dumped father number one, and married father number two. Meanwhile Will decided they were such a happy family, he ran halfway around the world to get away from them and live with his aunt and uncle, both of whom had previously been married to or cavorted with his mom and dad and... Oh, but we're getting off track.

Then, Sami left father number two, EJ, and went running back to father number one, Lucas. Father number one, however rejected Sami because he was on the lam. Father number one, Lucas, admitted shooting father number two, EJ at his wedding to Sami... Oh, yeah, did we mention someone plugged EJ at his wedding and he semi-faked paralysis to win Sami's affections? That worked pretty well until Sami tossed him and his wheelchair across the room. I think Sami works out.

Oops. We're off track again. So, Lucas admitted to shooting EJ. The cops arrested him before he could run like the sniveling coward he is. But the thing is, everyone now thinks he admitted to shooting EJ to protect Will, who it turns out may not be as matrue as we thought he was in the first place.

But, you know, so far, this is just a typical Salem dysfunctional, inter-marrying family. The question you may be asking is, what put them over the top to win the award? I mean, hey, nobody in this group died and came back from the dead. (Did they? I actually forget... Oh, waitaminute... Didn't EJ disappear to Mexico and... Oh, off track again).

Well, you know, there were just so many incidents that came together to distinguish them. We can't enumerate them all, but we think the following two typify the fouled up cluster-bomb that defines this crowd...

In late September, the evil Andre DiMera captured both Lucas and EJ and tied them up. He then forced Sami to choose the one she really loved by shooting and killing the other. After what seemed like excruciating hours, Sami finally aimed the gun at EJ's head, fired and promptly kneecapped Lucas.

Fast forward to the wedding where Lucas (or Will) also took a potshot at EJ, hitting Sami's dress in the process. In other words, Sami tried to shoot EJ and instead shot Lucas, and Lucas shot EJ and got Sami in a two-for-one deal.

I think we can all agree, in addition to the fact that EJ must be made of Teflon, neither Sami nor Lucas (Will?) should ever be permitted to look at a gun, let alone fire one. On the positive side, they are all candidates for the coveted Prevuze Klutz Of The Year Award.

Anyway, it is with great pleasure that we present this award to EJAMICUS (we would print all the names again, but our computer does not have enough memory). Although we had to forgo the monogrammed sweaters, we are happy to announce that this award is accompanied by the Dick Cheney/Jamie Lynn Spears Trophy for Marksmanship and Family Values.

One more thing... If you found any part of this post amusing or outrageous, just remember, none of it is made up. Every single thing recapped here actually happened this year.

All that action-packed adventure, and yet they make fun of soap operas. Go figure.

13 Comments:

Blogger luvpumpkns said...

this may be the best saturday edition yet. i laughed. i cried. nah, i really just laughed. a lot.
great choice for family of the year.

4:51 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Yes, I agree, this may be the best Saturday edition yet! Love the award and the great NRA picture, thanks!

6:50 AM  
Blogger Applecheeks said...

Did any of the group play in any reindeer games? (Oops, completely off track there.) I meant to re-consider Prevuze question about any of the group ever being presumed dead.

Sami did "go into the light" once when Husband One-to-be and his mother set her up for a murder she didn't commit and she was one lethal injection away from never coming back.

And there was the time Husband One was off the show "in a coma" from a stunt his mother pulled trying to kill HER ex-husband at the time. He came back from the years-long coma tanned and buffed.

But, no, I think Prevuze is right. None of them have technically been thought to be dead.

What a great Saturday edition!! It has to win the Saturday Edition Prevuze Award of the year.

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

Applecheeks, you forgot the second time Sami "went into the light". When SHE was pulling the fake paralysis thing in order to hang onto Austin. He backed his car into her wheelchair, PULLED FORWARD AND REPEATED IT. (Admittedly, one of the most unintentially funny things I ever saw on DOOL.) She was spared from entering the light this time by hearing Austin calling her back.

A great New Year's special edition! And it makes me wonder who will be 2008's family? Shellip? Maxfannie? Nicksea? Or maybe EJAMUCAS will win again. :D

8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If Marlena wants a psychic, why not call in Celeste? Duh. Anyway, has anyone ever thought of doing a "separated at birth" picture of John Kennedy Jr and EJ?
I think it's funny. You can tell they're scrambling for writing. They keep playing those flashback scenes over and over in every episode. Why not just put it in reruns until the strike is over. They're just about doing that anyway with all the flashbacks.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous tnchargerfan said...

That has got to be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Did your fingers get tired typing out all the names?

12:25 PM  
Anonymous Bulldog said...

OK, upon reflection I have to correct my comment. Austin backed over Sami twice, called her back from the light and then stayed with her out of guilt. That's when she faked still being paralyzed.

Of course I had it backwards and considering this is Daze the backwards version sounded just as logical as the original. HAHAHHA

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Ellie said...

This is HYSTERICAL. I can't wait to see what the next Prevuze award will be. :)

3:44 PM  
Blogger Gordon Davidescu said...

Are you sure about that? I thought there were only three gunshots, and Lucas' bullet was in EJ which means it couldn't have also gone through Sami's dress unless it took an impossible route because he shot him straight in the back.

No?

(Or did I just miss some excellent humor there? :) )

5:49 PM  
Blogger Prevuze said...

Are you sure about that? I thought there were only three gunshots, and Lucas' bullet was in EJ which means it couldn't have also gone through Sami's dress unless it took an impossible route because he shot him straight in the back.

Please, please don't make me start drawing parallels to the Kennedy assassination magic bullet theory.

7:09 PM  
Anonymous KOTU said...

We need someone to come forward with their video of the event. Surely SOMEONE had a video camera or cell phone handy to record the historic wedding of a Brady and a Dimera!!

Where is Salem's version of Zabruder when you need him?

7:25 PM  
Anonymous Jim Garrison said...

Where is Salem's version of Zabruder when you need him?

Grassy knoll.

3:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Prevuze:

You forgot "Reed" and whatever Brandon's last name was; for Sami. She married Austin in europe to get Will back after he was kidnapped (they're two other weddings were left at the alter) and then she married Brandon too; don't know why. Then there's Franco; another wedding left at the alter when the groom got shot. Hey...I see a pattern there...

9:32 AM  

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