DOOL New Year's Resolutions
As for me, ignoring the sacrilege of playing anything but baseball at Fenway Park, I'll take time off from football to watch the Bruins and Flyers mix it up. I just love the idea of one outdoor hockey game — just one, let's not overdo it like we do everything else — every year on New Year's Day. I wanna see raw hockey... in the cold... let it snow... let the wind whip... when they call icing, I want it to be because there is real ice around somewhere... when they freeze the puck, I want it to be because the puck really is freezing. I don't want blood on the ice, I want frozen blood on the ice. I don't just want forechecking, I want frozen butts slammed into glass so cold and brittle it shatters into a million...
Sorry. I got carried away. I forgot, we're here to talk about DOOL, aren't we? OK. The upshot of all this is there was no feed today. I could have just said that but then you'd want to know WHY there was no feed and I'd have to go through the "frozen butt forechecking" thing anyway. By the way, if you're unfamiliar with the term, forechecking is the Canadian equivalent of foreplay.
Instead of a recap, however, I may have come up with something just as interesting to DOOL fans. Another year has rolled by in the Sodom and Gomorrah of the Midwest commonly known as Salem. How depressing to think of everything that has happened, even though it's more depressing to think of everything that didn't happen. But we'll save that lament for another time and place. Salem, of course is a town where Santa's "naughty and nice" list is so biased to the "naughty" side it actually affects the rotation of the earth on it's axis.
In other words, it's not a stretch to say they've been bad in Salem and need to use the end of the year, this time of reflection, to mend their ways... turn over a new leaf... dare I say repent?
Well, that message has made its way around town and the goofba... people are responding. Here, as a Prevuze exclusive, is the complete list of New Year's resolutions made by the good (?) folks in our favorite town. Favorite town to bash, that is.
See if some of these inspire you to turn over a new leaf yourself, but notice none of the people in Salem seem to be resolving to make the same changes we common folk usually make. No losing weight, no stopping smoking, no ab firming, no thoughts about getting out of debt. No, the resolutions in Salem are a little more... strange? Whatever, you be the judge:
Melanie: No more gold-digging. Like, who needs to after you score the mother-load.
Phillip: To record Internet porn only in Hi-def.
Rafe: To experience an emotion. Any emotion.
EJ: To finish writing my book, "101 Ways To Tell The Difference Between A Foam Rubber Ball And A Pregnant Woman."
Sami: To get to know more people, starting with several of my personalities.
Abe: As mayor, I'll continue working to make Salem the Hernandez capital of the US.
Maggie: Not to be so judgmental of all the people in Salem who are beneath me.
Mia: To keep on rejecting Will until the new hunk replaces him.
Gabi: To find out why I'm in Salem.
Shawn: To learn port from starboard.
Belle: To learn left from right.
Claire: To become a long-distance swimmer.
Chris: To keep hoping against hope that EJ DiMera is gay.
Carly: To do everything I can to help Hope find her true love. Just as long as it's not Bo.
Victor: For one thing, I'm staying off ice skates.
Lucas: I may be leaving Salem, but I vow to find a new town that needs a village idiot.
Nicole: I want to make my new cellmate Amazonia the happiest Bitch-ho at Statesville.
Roman: I guess I might as well officially become a monk.
Lawrence: To snap out of this coma and get back to Salem.
Anna: To hell with going green, give me disposable diapers.
Rafe: To stop playing with the lint in my belly button and play with the lint in my brain instead.
Jan Spears: Same as last year. And the year before. And the year before. And the year before. And the year before.
Mia: Rule #1 — back seats are for passengers.
Stefano: I need to break the habit of leaving a C-note under Katherine's pillow every night.
Phillip: To start dating a better class of porn star.
Daniel: I want finally to work up enough courage to tell people my nickname is 'Goose.'
Kate: Must learn to cook killer dishes, not ones that just wound.
Brady: I might consider going in to work a couple days.
Bo: To have a fling with Carly that cancels out Hope's fling with Justin so we can get back together with a clear conscience.
Chloe: I'm going to return to my first love, singing. But not until my scars heal.
Pookie: Who cares? I guess it's the dog pound for me.
Hope: Being perfect, I don't need to make resolutions, but surely there is something... Oh, yes, my broom needs a tuneup.
John: Going... to get... this bedpan... out from under me... if... it's... the last... thing I do.
Will: I think I'll find out who Phillip's plastic surgeon was and go have a face transplant.
Mickey: To go off somewhere, meditate and find myself. In fact, I'd be happy if anyone found me.
Prevuze: To stop criticizing the moronic, sophomoric, idiotic, inconsistent, unplanned, boring, stupid, ridiculous, unprofessional, second grade level, unintelligent, humdrum, repetitive, unoriginal, banal, hokey, clichéd, unimaginative, and downright asinine writing on this show. Or not.
Prevuze: To apologize to sophomores and second graders everywhere for that last insult.
Happy New Year, everyone and now let's all go outside and jouer au hockey.
|NOTE – you can now follow Prevuze on twitter at: http://twitter.com/prevuze|
Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews, which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE