Prevuze: 1/1/05 - 1/1/11
Before I do, I just have to say this has been one hell of a ride. Long story short, you could almost say I started the blog as a joke. It took off like wildfire and, hey, what could I do but keep it going? I really think readers have provided me with at least as much entertainment in your comments and submissions as I hope I have provided you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
So, for one final time, read on, and I think I can help clear up a few things you read on this blog or saw on Days Of Our Lives in the past few years. Or maybe it'll just make things more confusing. I'm not sure which.
You see, the last six years you have been reading this blog have been... I hate to say "a lie," so perhaps I should say... "inaccurate." I guess now is the time to set you straight about what REALLY happened during that time:
"All the things I've been through have finally taken their toll on me" she says.
"Tell me all about it," says Mr. Sensitivity.
"Life in Salem isn't easy," she whines, "Think about everything that has happened since all the people in town started dying..."
"...we had funerals, they were buried and then they all showed up alive and said they had been held captive on an island called Melaswen. My God, Alice Horton was even one of them and she died a terrible death by being choked on her own donuts. Until then, everyone in Salem thought the only lethal food in town was either Kate Roberts' brownies or the chowdah at the pub."
"Shortly after that, Sami Brady became Stan. No one ever could figure out how she hid her boobs, though..."
She goes on... and on... and on... She tells him about Brady, Shawn, Rex and Lucas running off to the war zone to rescue Phillip... Phillip losing every body part known to man... Brady, Nicole, Chloe and the flesh-eating bacteria... Mimi and Rex the space alien... Phillip, Belle and their flying motorcycle infested wedding... Shawn and Belle having a hot time in the burning barn... The arrival of Claire and the ensuing "Who's your daddy" scenario... Shawn, Mimi, Phillip and Belle a.k.a. Fred, Ethel, Lucy and Ricky... Sami and Lucas... Sami and Brandon... Sami and Austin... Sami and EJ... Sami and Rafe... Lucas marrying Carrie, and then finding her and Austin doing the "rooftop rumba"... EJ Wells and his ill-fitting towel... EJ forcing himself on Sami (Some say rape... some say true love. In Salem there is a fine line between the two.)... Johnny and Allie, paternal twins with different paternals... Sami and EJ's platonic marriage, their single night of unbridled passion and the arrival of Grace, who turned out to be Sydney, uh, sort of... Sami, Rafe and the safehouse... Rafe's on-again-off again relationship with the FBI, SPD and advanced algebra... Nicole, EJ and the foam rubber pregnancy... Dr. Baker and his crush on Wacky, drugged out Hope... Anna and EJ kidnapping Sydney... Sami and EJ's aborted wedding... Sami shooting EJ's head off only to find nothing but a vacuum... Hope, Patrick and the legend of the wilted petunia... Hope's miracle 12-month pregnancy... Bo, Billie and the gas pit... Bo and Billie’s search for "Georgia"... Finding her as Chelsea Benson, the best thing to hit Salem since that little Bubonic Plague thing... Chelsea the Zack-whacker... Ciara's kidnapping... Carly Manning trying out her new Ronco Slicer-Dicer on her husband Lawrence Alamain... Hope flinging Bo out of their marriage and Bo's ensuing fling with Carly... Chelsea's boyfriend Nick visiting Chelsea's mom Billie and getting more than milk and cookies... Nick the Geek turning into Nick the Freak and killing the evil Trent... Chelsea and Uncle Max... John and Marlena... Patch coming back from the dead... Phillip ripping little Pocket away from Patch and Kayla and giving him to a complete stranger... the arrival of L'il Joe and the departure of Patch and Kayla to Bora-Bora... Racer Stephanie Johnson, fastest gal in Salem on and off the track... Stephanie and Uncle Phillip... Stephanie and Uncle Max... Stephanie's shocking decision to date a non-relative, poor Nathan... Carly and Daniel's one-night-stand, a little mistake that resulted in the big mistake known as Premiere Party Girl Melanie... Melanie and Phillip's big Internet romp... Brady and Clhoe, Phillip and Clhoe, Lucas and Clhoe, Daniel and Clhoe and back to Phillip and Clhoe... How Melanie got a big bang out of her wedding day... Her husband's Phil-andering with Clhoe... Melanie admitting she loves Nathan in a moment of Dungcootie Fever delirium... Stef 'n Ho... Stefano having a stable of ho'z and sampling the wares which resulted in Chad... Victor and Maggie... the great sarcophagization... the sad loss of Alice... Stefano transferring John's mind to disc... the Santo and Colleen story... The tragic plane crash and death of Shawn, Sr. in spite of Robo-John's skillful piloting... Crazed Phillip chasing Belle and Shawn around the world to get Claire... Kate feeding Chloe poison brownies... baby switcheroos... test switcheroos... couple switcheroos... the glove... some crazy story about a body stuffed in a water heater... Touch This Guy Airlines... an adventure in film noir... Belle and Shawn sailing into the sunset... Tek and Lexie disappearing, and Lexie showing up in Stefano's tunnel... Bonnie's escapades with Mickey... The palletization of Tony DiMera...
Suddenly, he can't take it any more...
He tries to inject some sanity, "Don't you see? It was a dream! None of this happened! You dreamed it all!"
"If none of that is true," she asks, "What happened to all those people?"
He tells her the real story...
"Sami married Lucas. Lucas became a junior accountant at Tidwell's Department Store and spends most of his time there playing practical jokes on his co-workers. Sami got fat and was the first person kicked out this season on "The Biggest Loser."
"Bo and Hope reunited. Bo got fired from his Police Commissioner's job for skimming from the daily donut allotment. Hope was appointed commissioner. She redesigned the Salem Police Department insignia and is now selling it as a line of jewelry on the Home Shopping Network. Bo stays home, cleans house and occasionally pops an old girlfriend who shows up. Hope always forgives him for it because every single time Bo tells her, "I thought it was you."
"Phillip continued to lose body parts. All that is left of him now is a set of false teeth that sit in a jar at the Kiriakis mansion."
"Shawn and Belle returned from their sea voyage. The round-the-world adventure did not diminish Belle's infatuation with Phillip. She moved into the Kiriakis mansion and keeps Phillip's teeth at her bedside. Miraculously, Jan Spears woke from her coma. She and Shawn were last seen heading out of town on his motorcycle."
"Mickey Horton really did die, but they can't find his grave. Maggie married Victor when he promised Titan would buy the National Tattler and put Maggie in charge of it, making her the national gossip instead of the town gossip."
"Melanie stayed with Phillip as he lost body parts, but divorced him when everything below the waist was gone. She married Nathan and they left town. Unfortunately, his fellowship turned out to be at John Hopkins University, not the prestigious Johns Hopkins. He is now a permanent resident at the hospital there and he and Melanie do nothing but perform appendectomies. Their survival rate has risen to 10%."
"It turns out Rafe Hernandez, like his personality, never existed."
"Caroline was disappointed Victor chose Maggie over her. She continues to run the pub, but was recently seen purchasing a sarcophagus."
"Daniel divorced Chloe when he found out the "day care center" she was running provided "care" for husbands who thought their wives were cheating on them. In an effort to mend her ways, Clhoe became a nun, but eventually ran off with Father Matt."
"Daniel and Carly got back together and decided to have another child. They figured anything would have to be a step up from Melanie."
"Patch and Kayla stayed in Bora-Bora because they found out not only could Stephanie not find her butt with both hands, she also couldn't find Bora-Bora on a map."
"Vivian left the Kiriakis mansion. She perfected her sarcophagus equipped with high-definition TV, cameras and communication devices. Then she added a few other amenities and sold the concept to Apple Computer, which will market the device, calling it the iCoffin.
"Tom and Alice were reunited in heaven, but are very lonely up there since they never see anyone from Salem."
"Johnny ran off and joined the circus. He now thrills crowds juggling two bowling balls and a glass eye."
"Finding out Stephanie was no longer with Nathan, Ian the geek immediately moved in with her. Together, they wrote a new computer billing system for St. Mary’s hospital. St. Mary's went out of business in December."
"Stef 'n Ho reconciled. Stefano figured at his age it was the best he could do and Kate figured at her age she needed their combined wealth to support her Botox treatments."
"Gus and Chris both came out of the closet and got together. They opened an upscale brownie boutique and on occasion provide special orders for Stef 'n Ho's enemies."
"Billie slowly recovered from her injuries and offered to test drive any of Chelsea's boyfriends. In the meantime, Chelsea and Max had a kid. This caused a minor falling out when they couldn't decide if he was Max' grandnephew or Chelsea's cousin."
"Mimi got back together with Rex and they returned to his planet Kevlar in the Gemini constellation."
"Nick and Patrick both remain in prison where Patrick entertains him by telling him wilted flower legends."
"Abe and Lexie split up when Abe lost his mayorship for appearing on the reality show "Name That Senator" with Rod Blagojevich. Lexie miraculously found Tek waiting for her in the same ditch they wrecked their car in years ago and they ran off together."
"Will and Gabi fell in love and got married. They waited to have sex until after the wedding and for that disgusting act were banished from Salem forever."
"Jack and Jennifer reunited and came back to Salem, where Jack continues to die and come back to life on a regular basis."
"John recovered from his injuries but he and Marlena couldn't make it work because Marlena, like everyone else in the world, preferred Robo-John to real John. Marlena got back together with Alex North (who everyone knew didn't die in that fall). She later said she went back to Alex because for some reason he reminded her of Roman Brady. John went back to the ISA, where he now teaches new recruits to squint."
"Unexpectedly, EJ and Nicole remarried and even more unexpectedly, Nicole got pregnant. Unfortunately things went south when EJ discovered it wasn't a fake pregnancy. Nicole immediately went back to Brady. Together they entered a 12-step program and got all the way to step two before falling off the wagon."
"Doug and Julie became the town patriarch and matriarch. The Disney Corporation re-released the Davy Crockett series with Doug singing its signature "Ballad of Davy Crockett," just as he did many years ago ( Click here to listen.). Doug made so much money on the royalties he and Julie re-opened Doug's place."
"And here's the most unbelievable thing of all: Anna DiMera came back to Salem, renewed her relationship with Roman and after all these years Roman Brady finally got laid."
"None of it," he says, "It was all a dream."
She sighs, "What a relief."
He embraces her, "I love you, Pam."
She smiles, "And I love you, Bobby Ewing."
* * * * *
Writing this blog has been a world of fun. Readers, contributors and commenters have made it work. I toast you all:
free thinkers o'er the Earth,
On every shore our flag of love
is gloriously unfurled.
We prize each one, fair or dark,
from hill and dale to plain,
Happy to meet, sorry to part,
never to meet again."
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