Do You Mind If I Attach This To Your Bosom?

Bo and Carly are at the hospital. Carly rants about Melanie, "My daughter hates me. Melanie hates me."

Vivian claims she's nailed the identity of Carly's daughter — Mia. Victor is skeptical. Vivian backs off on the certainty scale and Victor calls her on her overconfidence. "Well," says Vivian, "I've got the solution." She holds up what looks like a black lipstick case, "Voilà a tracking device."

"Risky business," says Victor.

"It's worth the risk," says Vivian.

Melanie stands in Maggie's living room with Mia and they wonder what will happen to Maggie now that she's Micksterless. They both just think Maggie is the cat's pajamas and the convoluted discussion works its way around to what a great mom she must have been and we talk about mothers and that leads Mia to ask about Melanie's mom, "What's she like?"

Bo says Carly is overreacting. I would never have guessed.

Carly says, "Melanie is complicated." I would never have guessed.

"She can be charming but there is this defensive side to her. Aggressive," says Bo.

"That's a euphemism for rude and obnoxious," says Carly, "And then there's this issue of that huge rock she's sporting."

"What does that mean?"

"Didn't you know," asks Carly, "She's marring your brother."

Bo's eyes pop out, "Phillip? What are those two thinking."

"The two of them together couldn't produce a thought."

Sami calls EJ, gets his voicemail and rants, "I don't know how much longer I can take this. Please call and explain why you don't pick up your phone."

EJ sits holding Sydney and chuckles as he listens to the message, "Look — it's your mommy calling. She's called ten times."

Anna asks, "You're not going to put her out of her misery?"

"No," says EJ, "She can suffer a little longer."

"When Sami suffers the world suffers with her," says Anna, "And I'm worried you may do something that makes Sami or Rafe suspicious."

Rafe arrives back at Sami's place. Sami runs up to him and asks about news on the Syd-napping. "No news," says Rafe, "I'm the same failure I always was only now I'm an official FBI failure." He gripes about the way Sami trusts EJ, "Something has happened. I think he is keeping something from us and is not with us."

Anna reminds EJ the FBI is involved, "This Rafe guy could trip you up."

"No way," claims EJ, "Unless he's planning some kind of fake pregnancy."

Rafe tells Sami EJ is divesting himself of everything DiMera, "After we talked about that, Stefano cornered me and said EJ can be duplicitous."

Tsunami Sami rolls through the apartment, "WHAT? Stefano said that and you believed him. Are you serious?" Sami shifts into high gear and rolls into another one of her hissy-fits.

Rafe claims she's overreacting. I would never have guessed.

That does it. Mt. Sami-tubo blows... and blows... and blows... and the dialog sucks... and sucks... and sucks... so they cancel each other out. "I am not overreacting," overreacts Sami, "This is my daughter's life we're talking about."

Rafe reels, "Is there something else you want to tell me?" He should be reminding her to take her meds.

Chad arrives at the pub and finds Gabi. They fire up the small talk when suddenly...

GAZORWHUMP-CRUNCH-CRUNCH

OMG! We have an ice-machine crisis.

Melanie says she can't talk about her mom, "I didn't know her. She died when I was a little girl. My dad raised me which is as awful as it gets and now he's dead. He's the only family I had until I met Max." The tears flow as she says she's been thinking about her mom and how different things would be if she was around.

Carly and Bo sit and palaver. Bo is stunned about the engagement. They are both concerned about Carly's daughter living under the same roof with the evil Vivian. Carly decides she has to go see Melanie. Translation: Sami doesn't have a lock on the Salem hissy-fit market today.

Sami claims she's just upset and nothing is going on. She has yet another nervous breakdown and tells Rafe it's getting harder and harder to be hopeful. Rafe consults the Guy Manual, "We know you don't have a clue what she wants or is trying to tell you. We know she's not making any sense at all. This is not a problem. Just give her your most loving look and say the magic words, "I understand."

Rafe tries the technique, "I understand."

By Jove! It works! The waters calm. Sami almost becomes human again. Her voice is tender and soothing, "Thank you... all I ask is that you stop grilling me."

Rafe gives her that same loving look, "I can't do that."

Someone's gotta have a long talk with that boy.

EJ spews sarcasm, "All right. Let's pack it in. Let's just give up. They'll figure it out Anyway. Sami and Rafe... they're probably the second coming of Woodward and Bernstein. You don't have a right to insult my intelligence. I have orchestrated this entire fuster cluck and my next move will be just as flawless.

"What is it?"

"Sydney."

"Your own child?"

"No," says EJ, "We're going there. They'll never find us in Australia."

Handyman Chad has fixed the ice machine. Helpless but grateful Gabi thanks him. "You're forever in my debt. Let's hit the back seat of my car and you can start paying me back. The thing with Mia and me — it's not like that any more. I'm not a total jerk. I swear."

"I never thought you were a total jerk."

"So," asks Chad, "we can hang out — as friends?"

Ooooh Myyyyyy Goooood — he said the F-word. No, worse, the OTHER F-word. Gabi gives him a look that would kill a rhinoceros.

Clueless as most guys are in situations like this, Chad asks, "What did I say?"

Gabi says, "I can tell... you're still into Mia." OK, guys, do I really have to bother with the censored link? I know you're thinking it. Every twisted, perverted one of you.

Will arrives at Maggie's. Mia has texted him and asked him to come over. She asks him if they can go somewhere else and talk. Three guesses where they decide to go.

They leave and Melanie flashes back to the conversation about her mom. The tears flow.

Bo encourages Carly to think this through. Since that would be the reasonable thing to do, Carly just blindly heads for Maggie's and into the jaws of death. She takes off and Bo sighs.

Baby Sydney stands up in her crib and takes her first steps. Proud daddy EJ gushes, "This is what makes it all worthwhile. My pleasure will not be undermined by others."

Anna jumps in, "I assume you're talking about your father... Nicole... Sami..."

"They forfeited the right to participate in my daughter's life," says EJ. He has Sydney walk across the crib and he picks her up and praises her.

Sami and Rafe frown and brood together. The moods in this room have more swings than the Salem Super-playground. Rafe asks her to trust him, "You do believe we are in this together don't you?"

Sami is half-hearted, "Yeah."

Victor makes fun of the tracking device. He wonders, "And how will you plant it on her? Will you just ask, 'Do you mind if I attach this to your bosom?'"

Chad insists he and Mia are history. Gabi digs for concrete confirmation. Chad hits her with, "I like girls like you that are fun and funny." With lines like that, Chad might want to consider becoming a monk.

"You hardly know me."

"Some things don't take time to learn," says Chad, "Let's make a plan. Right now." Maybe Chad could plan to pick up some social skills.

Bo shows up at the Kiriakis mansion just as Vivian is leaving. She wants no part of Bo, but he stops her from going anywhere.

Melanie answers the door and finds Carly. She tells her Maggie isn't there, but Carly says, "I came to see you."

Rafe gets a call. "What? When? OMG. Of course. I'll be right there!" He hangs up and tells Sami about the robbery at the pub.

Sami gets her own call as Sheriff Rafe heads for Dry Gulch. It's EJ and Sami gives him both barrels, "Where have you been? I've been trying to call. We are doing the wrong thing."

EJ shuts her up, "Come. Come here. Quickly. Alone." Sami scoots.

Carly apologizes for the confrontation she had earlier with Hope. Melanie isn't very sympathetic, "You slept with her husband so you couldn't expect her to be warm and fuzzy."

"I didn't think she would be here," says Carly.

"Oh, I see," says Melanie, "That justifies murdering your husband and sleeping with Bo. Tell me again, why am I supposed to care why you do horrible things?"

"Because," says Carly, "It's hereditary, if you know what I'm saying."

At the Java Café, Mia tells Will she knows she said confusing things to Gabi about Chad, "I screwed up and I've learned from it. You are the only person I want to be with. Can you give me another chance?"

"You know I will." Kiss. Well, it looks like young Will is going to have the same bumpy track record with women as his father.

Gabi agrees to make a plan. They agree to meet at the Java Café. Wow. With a plan like that we could have won WWII in half the time. Chad passes Rafe on the way out. Overprotective big bro wonders what he was doing there. Gabi assures him Chad is OK and tells him Arianna is at the police station doing paperwork. She frets over the kidnapping.

EJ shows Sami another ransom note. He says he found it twenty minutes ago and they will be contacted to go to a specific locale. EJ is upbeat and assures her they will get their daughter back. Sami starts to call Rafe but EJ stops her, "Are you insane? We are not involving Rafe!"

Sami wants Rafe involved. EJ wonders why she's had a change of heart. Sami says she thinks Rafe can help.

Mercifully, Anna's call ends the conversation. She asks, "Do you have the money?"

"Yes."

Mia and Will smooch. They start to leave as T-man and Kinzie walk in.

Kinzie immediately starts in on Mia, "Your eyes are all red and squinty. Crying a lot, huh?"

T fills her in, "Her uncle died."

"Oh, yeah," says Kinzie, "Keeled right over from what I heard."

"Keep your mouth shut," says T. Kinzie wonders about their relationship, "I thought you two were finito."

T-man tries again, "Kinzie I thought I told you to..."

"What are you... the sensitivity police? I'm asking if they're back together. It is a normal question."

Mia tells her they are back together. Chad walks in and Kinzie gives him the news about Will and Mia. As she and T walk off, Kinzie gives one final piece of advice, "Mia... teabags for swollen eyes."

Will and Mia leave as Chad gets a call, "No way."

Melanie lectures Carly. Carly asks about the wedding, "It's unusual for people your age to get married, and you don't know him very well. What's the rush?"

"Now you've crossed the line."

Bo gives Vivian a restraining order to keep her away from Carly. Vivian freaks as Bo warns her to stay away, "If anything happens to her what happened to your nephew will seem like child's play."

Vivian picks up on that, "Oh! the impassioned defense! You're sleeping with her, aren't you?"

Anna's mystery voice instructs Sami to bring the money to pier 47. She hangs up. Sami wants to call Rafe. EJ don' wanna do dat. So they won't be seen, they decide to take the secret passage out of the place. They head down and in the process walk past Rolf's mad-scientist laboooooratory, the tunnel where Lexie was held captive that is now filled with concrete, the Patch Johnson Memorial Torture Chamber, the spot where they have Tek's body walled up and the John Black memory chair.

Gabi assures Rafe she's fine. Rafe asks Sharon to keep an eye on her as he starts to go. Gabi stops him and asks about his first impression of Sami, "I thought she was a handful. She is... but in a good way. We're great together and will be better once we get Sydney back."

Rafe leaves and Gabi ponders, "Maybe I was wrong about Chad."

Victor blows a gasket, "How long have you and Carly..."

Bo interrupts, "Stay the hell way from her!" He storms out.

Victor blows and turns to Vivian, "Sleeping with my son! Ruining his marriage! Do whatever you have to do! Go get her!"

Gabi arrives at the Java Café and Chad tells her his parents are allowing him to come with them to their Vancouver cabin. He just happens to have permission to invite three of his friends. He invites lucky T, Kinzie and Gabi. Oh, and one more thing...

PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT

You've been wondering when the cheesy Olympic hype would hit, haven't you? Well this is it...

"We get to see the Olympics when we are there."

"I am actually jealous of myself," says Kinzie.

Mr. Burns wrings his hands, "Gooooodddd, Smithers. I think we worked that tasteless ad in very smoothly."

"Very smoothly, sir," says Smithers, "Just like the transmission of your 1944 Ford that you filled with sawdust right before you sold it."

Melanie rants, "Why do you care what I think about you?"

"It's just an expression."

"No it isn't," insists Melanie, "I want to know why."

Carly decides it was a mistake to come there. She leaves. Melanie rolls her eyes. Outside, Carly murmurs, "It's wrong."

Kinzie encourages reluctant Gabi to go with them. Chad works on her, too.

Victor is on a roll, "Duplicitous bitch! And what was Bo thinking? Did he consider his daughter? This will leak out." He turns his venting onto Vivian, "You're as much responsible for this as anyone. You made Bo protective of this harlot. Find the daughter, find her weakness and destroy her. Now!"

Bo comes up to Carly. Carly tells him she planned this wrong. I would never have guessed. "I need to tell her the truth."

Of course, Melanie has stumbled out the door and overhears, "About what?"

Anna paces with Sydney and says she hopes things go as planned.

Sami and EJ arrive at the pier. Consistent with the cosmic chain of coincidences only found on DOOL, Rafe walks up, "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

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