I'm All A-Twitter

I once walked into an office where a bunch empty suits had been filling their empty minds with empty ideas. There was a white board in the area where they had been meeting and they had used it to turn their oh-so-important thoughts into a diagram to be forever saved for posterity. Right in the middle of the diagram someone had written...

Internet = Truth
I Hope... I pray... someone was being sarcastic.

I Hope... I pray... if the guy who wrote it was serious, no one else bought it.

I Hope... I pray... you have enough sense at least to take what you find on the Internet with a grain of salt.

I Hope... I pray... for Hester to win just one more 'A.' (I just had to throw that in.)

Anyway, I think we all know the statement would have been more accurate if he had written something like...

Internet = Bubbling cauldron of half-truths, out-and-out lies, urban legends, sanctimonious blather and complete BS interspersed with a dash of truth here and there.
Of course, there wasn't room for all that on the white board. And, see, in all of the wide-wide Internet, ONLY PREVUZE italicizes the garbag... uh, suspect material. Most of the time. All the rest of the stuff out there on the dub-dub-dub, you have to figure out for yourself.

So that long-winded preface brings me to... Twitter. It's a "social networking" site where you post ("tweet") your innermost introspective and poignant thoughts for all the word to see – in 140 characters or less. Twitter is all the rage. Beyonce tweets. Britney tweets. CNN tweets. Even Obama tweets!

Mainly, Twitter is a place where you can go to say, "Hey, world! Look at me! Pay attention to me!"

A gal in the audience stands up and screams, "Uh, Prevuze, where the hell are you going with this? This is supposed to be about DOOL!"

So, to get to the point, which apparently some people think I should do, I recently discovered "Secrettweet." This is a site you can go to in order to post your innermost secrets anonymously, and that site will, in turn, post them on Twitter. So, without fear of discovery, you can tell the world about your affairs, the guy you secretly love, your bad habits... anything. Well, ever since I found this site and, having somewhat of a mischievous side, I have become obsessed with the thought of posting outrageous lies there. I want the world to know I was once abducted by aliens and held captive on Pluto. I want to tell everyone I once spent a week camping in the woods with Sasquatch. I want to make up 140 character pornographic vignettes that would make Larry Flynt blush.

This obsession took hold of me bigtime. I couldn't shake it. But the little angel on my right shoulder kept telling me how deceitful it was while the little devil on my left shoulder kept saying, "DO IT! DO IT!" Well, the little angel nearly prevailed and I almost gave up on the idea. But then, the little devil played his trump card and reminded me about that bubbling cauldron of half-truths and out-and-out lies thing. "Preve, baby," he said, "Dat's what de Internet is for!"

So I made the big leap to the moral darkside and decided to become a Secrettweet fiction writer. Then I was faced with the problem of what to "tweet." After a few false starts and great self-debate, I had one of those rare moments of epiphany that brought everything into focus. I could post what happens on DOOL! That way, my posts wouldn't be a lie. They would be... fictitious but real... literature... yes, I would be posting literature... no, I guess not. DOOL is about as far from literature as you can get. I would be... REPORTING! Yes, I would be reporting what is happening on the show to people who don't watch it or don't have time to keep up with it! I would be performing a public service! Hallelujah!

I can rationalize anything.

So, without further ado...

A gal in the audience nudges her neighbor. The gal next to her says, "Zzzzzzzzzz, huh? Wha?"

"I think we're about to get to the point, you can wake up."

I came up with secret tweets various Daze characters might post and posted them. For real. I couldn't post the name with the tweets, but I have listed below the person who would have tweeted them.


Stefano:

I'm a powerful man used to getting everything I want. I asked a woman to marry me and she's stringing me along. I'm not used to this.

Daniel:

I'm having an affair with a woman engaged to the son of a woman I had an affair with last month.

Kayla:

For years I thought my husband was dead. He wasn't. Now he's back. I'm 47, he's 57 and we just had a kid.

Max:

I used to be a pretty successful race driver but now I'm barely making a living as a bartender.

Chelsea:

My old boyfriend just went to prison. I think he'd rather be there than with me.

Nick:

I lost my virginity to my girlfriend's mom one night when she was really drunk.

Sami:

A man raped me and I had his kid. Then I willingly slept with him and am having another kid of his. I don't want him to know.

Nicole:

My fiancée thinks I'm pregnant but I'm not. I'm wearing padding and trying to figure out how to come up with a baby.

What must people think?

And as you now read through Secrettweet, think about it yourself. Given the fact we've established the Internet is a seething cornucopia of BS, how many of those tweets you are reading do you think are bogus?

It's despicable people would do that. Except for me. That was literatur... uh, reporting; a public service. But you don't have to thank me.

A word on Twitter... we established a Prevuze Twitter account a long time ago, but never did anything with it. I'll start posting some spoiler info there and maybe we can have some fun with it. You can follow us by signing up for Twitter and finding us at http://www.twitter.com/prevuze.

So, have a great weekend and if a devilish little mood strikes you, go out and post lies on Secrettweet. I'll be watching.

The Big Mo' With The Nun

Sister Teresa prays for the health of Sami's baby and for the sanity of the mother. Dr. Baker brings the baby in and announces she is healthy. He hands her to Sami to hold. Sami gives the kid a strange look. Dr. Baker asks, "Is there a problem?"

"This is Screamantha Brady," says Sister Teresa, "There is always a problem."

Maggie and Chloe have a staredown in the hallway. Maggie sneers, "You'd better re-button your blouse."

Bo and Hope cuddle at a table in the pub. They bicker about the case. Hope wonders why Bo wants her to stay away from Kayla. "We can't handle another one of your shopping trips together," says Bo, "Our credit cards are maxed out." Suddenly, Bo hallucinates. He tells her to see Kayla another time.

Kayla tends to Sleazo, "I swear I've seen your face before." Sleazo attacks.

Rafe struggles. He flashes back to the fight and Sleazo's escape, "Sami... Sami..."

Nicole tells Miss Junior-Junior she is not Sami's baby, "It's like Sami never existed. It's just you, me and Daddy. Assuming Daddy is dumb enough to buy it."

Sami asks, "That's my baby? It can't be. It's not crying like a scalded banshee."

Sister Teresa assures her the kid is hers. Sami is worried that the kid didn't cry and then Baker whisked her away. Baker tells her sometimes it's normal for a baby not to cry. Sami's brain is incapable of grasping the fact that someone might not cry, but she accepts it, "I guess I'm not myself at the moment," says Sami, "since I'm not hysterical." She takes the baby and remedies that, "Blub... blub... blub... My perfect little girl."

"My perfect little girl," says Nicole. She sets her in her cradle and decides to call EJ and leave a message at home. EJ comes in as the phone rings. He picks up at the last minute. Nicole is halfway through the message but shuts up when EJ says hello. Nicole scowls.

Daniel rushes in to find Sleazo choking Kayla. Dr. Miracle grabs Kayla, only takes time to cop a quick feel and then restrains Sleazo.

Maggie wants to talk. Chloe wants to get on a plane to Timbuktu. She hems, haws and makes excuses. "Don't insult me by lying," scolds Maggie, "It's a little past obvious don't you think?" Maggie blows through a chain of accusations, "I saw you and Daniel kissing."

Chloe whines, "Maggie... if you'd give me a chance to explain."

Maggie says, "You really can't." She runs off to tell the world.

Rafe performs emergency surgery on himself, uses his belt as a tourniquet and goes for a stroll.

Depressive Sami has left us for a while as manic Sami gushes over Mia Junior. She decides she needs a name. Suddenly depressive Sami returns and decides she isn't safe, "This isn't over! This isn't over by a long shot!"

EJ pounds the phone and asks Nicole if she is there. Nicole hangs up, "He was supposed to be in Italy. Why is nothing ever easy? Think! What am I going to do?" Suddenly, Lucy comes up with a scheme. Baker comes in and Nicole tells him she has to stay at the clinic, "You need to get rid of Sami."

"Who," asks Baker.

Nicole is exasperated, "Sami! You know... the big mo' with the nun. Just tell her to go home. And I need a room."

Bo says, "I've been thinking..."

"I wondered where all the smoke was coming from," says Hope. Bo says he thinks he and Hope should do something together, with their clothes on. He tells Hope he's jealous because she's been ignoring him lately. Hope makes threats and asks what it's all about.

"I miss you," says Bo, "Choke.

The orderlies work to subdue Sleazo while Daniel brings a sedative. Sleazo settles and Daniel orders restraints. He turns to Kayla, "What happened?"

Kayla babbles.

"Well," says Daniel, "Whatever happened, something sure kicked him into orbit." Suddenly, Sleazo gasps and goes catatonic.

CODE BLUE!

Kayla panics, "Quick! Somebody call a doctor!"

Kayla watches while Dr. Feel-grab-and-perform-miracles-in-one-fell-swoop takes over.

"CLEAR!"

ZAP!

"CLEAR!"

ZAP!

"CLEAR!"

ZAP!

"Is the patient responding," asks Daniel.

"No," says a nurse, "But he's charged up enough to provide emergency power to the hospital's east wing."

Sami blithers and tells Sister Teresa they can't stay there, "What about the baby," asks Sister Teresa.

"Baby - schmabee," says Sami, "We have to get out of here."

Nicole tells Baker EJ is home and things have to go like clockwork, "Get Sami out of here, call EJ and tell him you're delivering!"

"Shouldn't we tell him you're the one who's delivering?"

Nicole nukes, "Tell that blonde bitch to hit the road or do I have to remind you what will happen to you if this doesn't work?"

Baker rushes into Sami's room, which is empty.

Chloe chases Maggie down and begs for a chance to explain. Maggie is disgusted. She's already seen an advance screening of this episode. Chloe assures her she and Daniel didn't plan this, it just happened. Maggie tells her nothing 'just happens' and she will have to suffer the consequences.

EJ calls and screams at someone to track the call he just got, "THIS COULD BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!"

"I zee. Ve succhest choo reinstall vindows," says the uncaring voice in the New Delhi call center as he reads from his troubleshooting script.

Nicole stops short of explaining why manipulative Sami had to leave. She tells Dr. Baker to get busy and call EJ. She dials and hands him her phone. Baker tells EJ Nicole is in labor and he needs to get to the clinic.

EJ protests the fact that Nicole isn't at a hospital but says he's on his way, "Tell her I love her."

Dr. Baker hands Nicole the phone and rolls his eyes, "He loves you."

"CLEAR!"

ZAP!

"CLEAR!"

ZAP!

"CLEAR!"

ZAP!

We get signs of life from Sleazo. Daniel once again has raised the dead and hands things over to the peons to do the mop-up work. He wonders why Sleazo was strangling Kayla. "Maybe it was something I said," says Kayla, "He's deranged. There is something about him... I'll be right back."

Outside, Kayla calls Steve and leaves a message. She wants him to call her about the sketch he showed her. Then she calls Hope and asks for Bo. Bo isn't there so she asks Hope to come to the hospital. Hope bumps into Maggie and Chloe on the way out.

Chloe begs Maggie to keep quiet, which is about the same thing as begging a hungry dog not to eat. Chloe promises this will never happen again. With the incredible timing you only find on DOOL, Lucas comes up to them, "Hey, why so serious?"

Maggie looks up, "Hey, why so clueless?"

Rafe searches the convent and asks Sister Mary Whoozits where Sami and Sister Teresa are. Sister MW tells him they left.

Dr. Baker tells Nicole he wouldn't count on his staff keeping their mouths shut.

Maggie puts on a happy face and tells Lucas to sit down. Chloe says they're talking about Kate, "She isn't out of the woods, which, by the way, is the only place Daniel and I haven't done the nasty." Maggie asks Lucas for a ginger ale.

Loserclueless turns to Chloe, "And would you like something, dear?"

"A triple martini." Lucas leaves and Maggie and Chloe argue.

Hope arrives and Kayla tells her about Sleazo coming in and choking her. She says she thinks he looks like the sketch of the mayor's killer.

Sleazo struggles.

Sister Mary Whoozits runs to get the note Sister Teresa left for Rafe. Sami and Sister Teresa come in and we have the happy reunion, as well as a baby moment.

Nicole and Baker argue. Baker says he has thought of something that could make EJ see this in a new light, something beyond her control. Nicole bites, "OK, so what didn't I think of?" Baker tells her sometimes the resemblance between a mother and child stuns him and this baby looks like her real mother, "I'd pray your luck holds up." He leaves.

Rafe says he thought he would never see Sami again, "But I guess I wasn't that lucky." Sami thanks him for taking care of her. Rafe tries to pry a word in and tells her they are not safe. He struggles.

Sami gasps, "You're as white as a sheet." Rafe goes down.

Chloe and Maggie continue to argue. Actually, Maggie argues and Chloe begs. Lucas comes back with the drinks. He says he talked to Kate who demanded they set a date for the wedding. "We can stop by and talk to Kate about that tomorrow," says Chloe, "If I survive."

Lucas gets a call and leaves. Chloe says what no human being has ever been able to say before, "Maggie, thank you for keeping your mouth shut."

Maggie snorts, "What are you going to do about Daniel?"

Daniel gets a page and leaves. Suddenly, Sleazo rushes out of his room and grabs Kayla, "Anybody gets in my way I'll break her neck!"

Chloe says she will make Daniel face reality and will keep her hands off him. Maggie says she will be watching and if Chloe strays she will go to Lucas. Maggie leaves.

Outside the pub, Bo gets a message from Hope.

Hope points her gun at Sleazo, "Salem PD!"

When he stops laughing, Sleazo says, "You shoot and she dies!"

Sami and Sister Teresa nurse Rafe. Sister Teresa goes for Mary Margaret. Sami begs Rafe to wake up.

EJ rushes into the clinic and barges into Nicole's room. Nicole sits in bed holding Miss Junior-Junior. She gives a nervous smile, "EJ... you finally made it."

Daddy smiles, "Hey..."

"Don't worry," says Nicole, "I've already lined a sitter up for tonight."

Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE

The Psychopath

Chloe stands at Daniel's door. He opens it and asks if she got his message, "I meant what I said. It's over. We can't be together."

"That's why I'm here," says Chloe.

"What part of 'can't be together' confuses you," asks Daniel.

Bo gets another vision. Guns... Hope... Kayla. Hope tries to get through to him as he stares and drools.

Maggie is on the phone with Jessica as she walks in oblivious bliss. Suddenly she discovers Sleazo drowning in his own blood.

Rafe grunts and groans as he tries to get up, "Sami, be careful."

EJ is on the phone as he sits in his corporate jet and says the meeting went well.

ACK! SAMI THE WHINER! NO! I would rather inhale powdered Bhut Jolokia chili peppers than watch more of her hysterics.

Too late. Sami nukes.

Nicole tells Dr. Baker she wants Sami's baby. Baker resists. Nicole thinks they should just trade, "I'll give you Mia's baby for Sami's and a player to be named later."

One of Sami's nutty personalities tries to drag the rest of them out of bed and go hunt down Dr. Baker and her kid. Sister Teresa says, "Samantha, please, you mustn't get out of bed."

Sami says, "I have to find out what is wrong with my child."

"The same thing that is wrong with your other children," says Sister Teresa, "Their mother is an immature, screaming, whining self-centered idiot." She agrees to go and find out as Sami explodes. Sister Teresa leaves and the room goes mercifully quiet.

"The drums... the drums," gasps bwana Ramar, "I can't hear anything. They've stopped beating."

"When things get quiet," says his faithful guide, "Is when we really have to worry."

Dr. Baker and Nicole discuss the swap. She tells him how Sami wound up at the clinic. Dr. Baker thinks that's the most outrageous story he's ever heard. "Stranger things have happened," says Nicole, "Have you forgotten what show you're on? "

"The first time I laid eyes on you I knew something was off," says Baker, "Now I'm convinced. You're a psychopath."

Chloe and Daniel discuss their relationship. "When I listened to your message the first time," says Chloe, "I understood. When I listened again I wanted to kill you." Daniel asks her to leave. "There is no way in hell we can end this," says Chloe, "I can't stand it. That message TORTURED me."

A gal in the audience leans over to her neighbor, "Yeah... she can dish it out, but she can't take it."

Hope figures there has been another Bolucination. Bo says he really doesn't know what it was. He's reluctant to talk about it as Patch strolls in. Patch plops himself into a chair at their table, "I think I might have a lead on Moron-o's killer."

Actually, Maggie has a better lead. She rolls Sleazo over. Blood gushes like the volcano at the Mirage Hotel.

EJ is on another call. He tells Stefano he's just leaving Rome. He thinks their future there is bright, but he's coming home for the birth.

Out in the hallway, Sister Teresa asks the nurse where the doctor is.

Baker tells Nicole to get out as she rants about his checkered past as a doctor. They threaten to tell the world what each other is up to. Nicole plays him like a fiddle and insists she was meant to have Sami's baby. Baker thinks a baby switch will be impossible to pull off.

"PREDICTABLE," snorts Daniel.

"What is," asks Chloe.

"Every plot on this show right now," says Daniel, "Including your reaction." He and Chloe continue to spar. Daniel says he doesn't want to break up her family. Chloe says, "You don't tell someone you love them and then dump them in a voice mail. I truly do hate you."

Patch says he has a buddy who is a hard core computer geek who gave him the info, "It may connect DiMera to the killer."

The nurse won't let Sister Teresa go in to see Baker. Sister Teresa plays along and the nurse leaves.

Nicole establishes the fact that neither Mia nor Sami have seen their kids. She continues to work Baker. She says she heard Sami tell the nun she wishes she was never pregnant and doesn't want the kid. She insists she and EJ will give the kid a good home, "Better than Sami ever could. Quieter, anyway."

Daniel agrees the voicemail was a bad way to drop the bomb on her. "I'm more than angry," growls Chloe, "I'm disgusted."

"It won't do you any good to judge your own behavior like that," says Daniel, "So you're saying you think I'm the scum of the earth? This is good let it out."

Chloe asks, "Good?"

Daniel says, "Yeah, it's really good because it's going to make it easier for us to go our separate ways." They slam into each other like a couple of locomotives colliding head-on.

Patch tells Bo and Hope about Holchrin International, "It's a holding company that owns Capstar Banks and WHAT A COINCIDENCE, Capstar is headquartered in Salem."

"So you're saying Stefano is going after the government bailout money," asks Bo.

"Isn't everybody?" Patch gets a call from Kayla as Bo re-hallucinates.

Kayla tells Maggie the guy she drug in is still unconscious.

Rafe struggles and flashes back to getting the third degree from Sleazo.

Baker refuses to pull the switcheroo. Sister Teresa barges in.

Chloe and Daniel suck on each other like dry leeches.

Bo zones. Patch asks what's up. Bo tells him he had another vision that involved Hope. He also tells Patch that Kayla got shot in the vision. Then he decides he shouldn't have said anything. Patch decides they have to keep Hope and Kayla apart.

"My God," says Bo, "The Salem Mall will go out of business."

EJ flashes back to telling Nicole about his business trip. He gives his word he won't leave her again.

Baker tells Sister Teresa he is doing everything he can and shoves her out the door. Nicole now thinks they have no choice but to pull the kinderswitch.

Hope gets off the phone, "Roman thinks we should track the money from the killer's end and see if the trail leads to Stefano."

"That's a great idea except for one thing," says Bo, "We don't know who the killer is, so how are we gonna do that?"

"Roman left the details for us to work out," says Hope. She decides she wants to go see Kayla. Bo tells her that's a bad idea.

Kayla thinks Sleazo was mugged.

Rafe scoots across the floor to the cell phone lying there.

POP QUIZ!

When Rafe reaches the phone he discovers

a) It's not an iPhone and he wouldn't be caught dead using just a regular run-of-the-mill cell phone.

b) He's not listed on Sleazo's 'friends and family plan' and is too distraught to go on.

c) The signal is on 'roam' and even the FBI can't afford to talk when it's that expensive.

If your answer was d) The battery is dead, you win an all-expenses-paid trip up the Salem River in a leaky rubber raft. He chucks the dead phone, grunts, groans and collapses.

Sister Teresa comes back in and tells Blathermantha she doesn't have much information, "All we can do now is pray. And get hysterical."

EJ calls and leaves a message for Nicole telling her he's on the way home.

Baker says he's done with Nicole. Nicole threatens to go to the authorities and tell them about the baby brokerage he has going on there. He threatens to take her down with him. Nicole reminds him of the joys of life in prison, "Ask yourself, is it worth it?"

Dr. Baker asks her how she will feel about this in five or ten years, when the kid goes off to college, "Are you gonna be able to handle the guilt that will follow for all the Days Of Our Lives ?"

Nicole is adamant, "Yes! I can handle it! We have an opportunity to put Sami's baby with her biological father."

Bo stammers and says he enjoys Hope's company. Patch realizes anyone would know that's a lie, so he steps in and says Kayla has an emergency and Hope can't go see her right now. He leaves. Hope wants the truth.

Kayla tells Maggie the babysitter called and she thinks she left something in the car. The sitter can't find L'il Joe's stuffed dog so Kayla's going to go look for it. Maggie offers to drop it off. Kayla agrees to keep her informed about Sleazo's condition.

Chloe and Daniel bask in the afterglow and seem to have resolved most of their differences. Chloe says she is still angry. Daniel smooches away the fury. The ubiquitous cell phone rings. Daniel reads the text and says he has an emergency. He has to go. But first...

Baker caves like the 1986 Red Sox. Nicole hands Mia's baby to him and says goodbye. Baker leaves and Nicole blubbers. She picks up Miss Junior-Junior.

Daniel apologizes for having to leave. Chloe forgets her purse so he tells her to lock up. They smooch and Daniel runs out. Chloe finds her purse, hustles out the door and...

MAGGIE!

Bo tries to tell Hope he just enjoys her company. Anyone can see through that. He says he wants to make the case a priority and put their personal lives on hold. Hope says she is worried about him. Bo says he's OK as long as she's by his side. She moves from his side to his lap.

Sleazo wakes up. Kayla says she thinks he looks familiar, "Have you ever held anyone hostage at Ava Vitali's house?"

EJ rants about Nicole not answering her phone. He leaves another message telling her the plane has landed and he'll be back soon.

Nicole whines, "I'm your mommy." Miss Junior-Junior cries. Nicole shushes her and promises she will be very happy, "Happy birthday my beautiful little girl."

Sister Teresa prays and asks God to restore the health of the kid. As they finish Dr. Baker walks in with Mia's baby and tells Sami her baby is perfectly healthy, "Would you like to hold your daughter?" Sami blubbers.

Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews and should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE

Thick Crust Or Regular?

Sami grunts and groans, huffs and puffs, gasps and heaves. "One more push," yells Dr. Baker. Sami pushes. Baby pops. The doctor screams, "It's a girl!" After all that it must be a girl elephant.

Sami bellows, "Let me see her!" Uh oh. Dr. Baker gives us the look of doom. Sami goes over the edge, "What's wrong? What's happening with my baby?"

Chloe sits in the pub and remembers her soft porn take with Daniel. She checks messages and gets Daniel's voicemail saying he can't come between her and Lucas. Chloe zones, "He's right. He did the right thing."

Daniel contemplates calling again, "No, you did the right thing."

Kate shows up and interrupts Daniel's moment of introspection. She says she didn't like the way they ended things, "I was a bit hasty."

Daniel gasps, "Did you change your mind?"

Sleazo figures Sami is at the convent as Rafe loosens his bindings. Now Sleazo says he has no use for Rafe. He points his gun. Rafe springs. It's a raucous floor-rollin' hair-pullin' manly slappin' gen-u-wine me-lee as the boys tumble across the floor taking pets, furniture and other debris with them.

Nicole comes to the clinic. The parking lot is full and she has to park fourteen blocks away, but in spite of that she hears Sami screaming.

The Rafe-Sleazo cage match continues.

Sami badgers Dr. Baker. Baker tries to be diplomatic, "It looks like your baby will need a bit of extra medical attention."

Dr. Baker leaves the room with the baby and Sami takes going bonkers to new levels.

Chloe contemplates her phone. She finally dials.

Daniel says, "I know it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind but I wonder if you're just jerkin' my chain?" A call interrupts. Daniel sees it's Chloe and blows it off.

Kate says she is there to find out how Daniel feels about what happened, "So tell me, what do you think about it."

"It is what it is."

"But it was what it was," says Kate.

"But now it isn't what it was," says Daniel.

"But I'm wondering if it will be what it was," says Kate.

"It will be what it will be," says Daniel.

"Damn you're hard to talk to," says Kate.

"Who wouldn't be," asks Daniel, "with dialog like this?"

Chloe leaves a message for Daniel and says they need to talk. Maggie snoops up and overhears. She asks if Chloe is having problems with Lucas.

Nicole listens as Sami blithers and snots, "This is all my fault because I didn't get regular checkups!"

"From a psychiatrist," says Sister Teresa.

NEWS BULLETIN: TSUNAMI HITS SALEM!

Never mind. That was just Sami ramping up her tantrum. It was a tsaminami.

Nicole sneaks into the room where Dr. Baker is working. He tells her to get out. Nicole begs him not to let the baby die.

Daniel says he was thinking of ordering a pizza. "Wow," says Kate, "Life in the fast lane." He invites Kate to stay and share the pizza with him. Kate is more interested in beating a dead horse, "I'm worried about you. I have family. I have Phillip, Lucas, even Chloe. What do you have?"

"About a third of what you have."

Maggie grills Chloe. Chloe whines, "Remember when you warned me not to hurt Lucas. I have a confession to make." Maggie licks her chops and takes out her notebook.

Surgeon General's Warning - If Sami appears on screen, mute your set immediately.

Sami just knows God doesn't think she deserves this baby.

"God doesn't say nasty things like that," says Sister Teresa, "He just sends people to Hell."

The Rafe-Sleazo smackdown continues.

Baker tinkers. Nicole asks, "Can I do something?"

"Pray," says Baker, "Somewhere else."

Nicole takes her bundle in the bassinet and leaves, "Right. Like a prayer from me would work. We know EJ doesn't deserve this. Because of me he doesn't know anything."

No, honey, he was clueless long before he met you.

Nicole talks to God. "Let EJ's baby live and I will never ask another thing."

"That's what you said last time you asked for something," says God.

Nicole walks back into the room with Dr. Baker. Of course, he has saved the day and everything is fine. Did you expect anything less?

Daniel offers Kate a drink. "I can't," says Kate, "Against doctor's orders."

"He's a quack," says Daniel. Kate pumps Daniel. Perhaps a poor choice of words. Daniel refuses to open up. Kate rambles.

Daniel interrupts, "Thick crust or regular?"

Kate doesn't miss a beat. She continues her tirade, "Something or someone has got to..."

Daniel loses it "DAMMIT, KATE WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!" The audience cheers.

Chloe says the problem is Sami. She knows Sami will always be a part of Lucas' life and it shouldn't bother her, but she's scared maybe Lucas and she moved ahead without Lucas resolving things with Sami, "When it comes to people I'm more black and white than Lucas."

"I don't know," says Maggie, "There aren't many people more colorless than him. What has you so upset?"

Well, there's no doubt it's Sami's baby. She blows her lungs out crying. Guess what? Nicole wants to have a little chat with Dr. Baker before he takes the baby to Sami.

Chloe assures Maggie she and Lucas and the kids had a wonderful time at dinner. Then Nancy called and played into her insecurities and second guessed Chloe marrying Lucas. Maggie hangs on every word. "It's not that I don't love Lucas," says Chloe, "but she might be right. You can't tell Lucas I said that. I'm just in a mood."

"I won't tell Lucas," says Maggie, being careful not to promise to keep things from the rest of the town. Maggie thinks maybe Chloe should tell Lucas about her insecurities if she wants their relationship to work, "If you start keeping secrets things will only get worse. I'm telling you that from personal experience. I think Mickey still has bonnie hidden in a closet at our house." Maggie thinks Chloe has something else on her mind, "This is about more than Lucas, isn't it?"

Kate and Daniel continue to dance around each other. Daniel thinks things will work better if they simplify them, "That will work best if we have a traditional doctor-patient relationship."

Kate thinks maybe she pushed too hard, "If you think you have everything under control you're lying to yourself." She leaves.

Outside, she leans against the door, "What the hell is going on with you, Daniel?"

Sleazo grabs a knife. A swing and a miss! Rafe twists his arm, grabs the knife, slices and dices. Sleazo runs out the back way, leaving a trail of blood and a few feet of small intestine.

RED DAWN ALERT! SAMI'S ON. MUTE IT.

The nurse comes in with a sedative. This, of course, goes over like a lead balloon. The nurse jabs. Sami settles down.

Nicole tells Dr. Baker EJ is the father of this baby. "EJ gets around doesn't he," asks Baker. Nicole tells him "Colleen" is really Sami Brady.

Baker can't believe it, "So the nun is lying too?"

God chimes in, "Hey, good help is hard to find."

Maggie gushes, "You're an opera singing, bone marrow giving, child-friendly beauty. Chloe thinks it's nice of her to say those things but it doesn't help, "You forgot unfaithful tramp. Lucas loves who he thinks I am, not the real me."

Maggie says Lucas is walking on air right now but that can't last forever, "I always thought Shakespeare killed Romeo and Juliet because no one ever wanted to see them arguing about the mortgage payment."

Will Shakespeare walks up to the bar and orders a drink, "And I didn't think this show could take literature any lower."

Maggie advises Chloe to take a leap of faith, "You know he can be a jerk and he knows you can be a bitch, but in time you will love each other more. You are on the road to something amazing. Nobody is perfect. Don't try to be."

Baker is stunned. Nicole tells him about the convent and the witless protection program.

"She's in witness protection," asks Baker, "Whoever is after her must be an idiot." Suddenly, Mia Jr. starts crying.

Apparently, Dr. Baker hasn't noticed the bassinet as big as a king-sized bed in his office, "What the hell is this?"

Chloe starts to leave. Kate comes in and runs into her. She says she went to see Daniel, "There is something bothering him but he's keeping me at arms length."

"Not me," says Chloe.

Daniel cuts off Chloe's message, "We don't need to talk. It's over."

Baker nukes, "So you just happened to have a spare baby?"

Nicole tells him about Mia's delivery, "Now we have two perfect little girls."

Baker does his best Bogey, "Of all the clinics in all the world you had to walk into mine."

Rafe busts into Sami's room and Sami beams. She tells him about the baby thing. Rafe tells Sami her little girl is fine, "It's all over. everything will be OK." He vows to protect her and the baby.

Sami hugs, "Don't ever leave me."

Fantasy over. "Don't worry, I'm right here and I won't leave you," says sister Teresa.

Chloe shows up at Daniel's. He tells her it's over. "That's why I am here," says Chloe.

Rafe struggles to get up. He stumbles and falls on his way to the back door.

Sleazo staggers through the cold and bleeds. He falls face down. Don't eat the red snow.

Apparently Sami's sedative hasn't kicked in. Sami asks sister Teresa to go find out about her baby.

Nicole tells Dr. Baker she promised Mia her baby will be well taken care of, and she will keep that promise, but there will be a small switch in the plans. Pun intended.

"Sami may be a despicable person," says Nicole, "but she is a responsible mother," says Nicole, "By responsible, I mean like a tiger. You know, the kind of parent that eats her young. EJ and I will raise his child." She takes Junior-Junior in her arms.

Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews and should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE

Your Everyday Sociopath

Phillip finds Brady at Titan. Brady announces that he's off to play one-on-one with a client, "Do you want to come along?"

"Didn't you say one-on-one," asks Phillip, "Wouldn't I be an extra."

"I never was that good at math," says Brady.

Phillip declines to go, "I'm on a paper trail. It's serious. It involves Melanie."

Melanie bounces into the pub. Max wants to know why she's in such a great mood. Melanie beams, "Tell me what you know about EJ DiMera."

"For one thing," says Max, "He's too dumb to figure out Nicole isn't pregnant."

Nicole holds the baby and tells Mia she's perfect. Mia doesn't want to see her.

Sami rants, raves, rocks and rolls. Sister Teresa assures her God is watching over her. As Sami's pain hits new heights, she wishes she had become a nun, too.

Sleazo shows Rafe the picture of the kids, "If you don't tell me where Sami Brady is, I'll kill all of her kids one by one... like cows at a slaughterhouse."

Meanwhile, back at the clinic, Dr. Baker says Sami's baby isn't getting enough oxygen. That's because Sami is using it all up with her screaming and hyperventilating. Dr. Baker tells her to push, and then gets that horrible look of death on his face people in soap operas get right before we find out everything is OK. Sami panics, "Is my baby OK? ANSWER ME!"

Phillip and Brady babble about Melanie. Phillip blows up, "EJ DiMera is trying to steal Melanie and the bio-fuels project from Titan."

.Phillip says his source on this is confidential, "We have to stop her."

Melanie says she's sniffing around about EJ because it's business. She swears Max to silence and tells him EJ came to the Cheatin' Heart looking for her and asking about the Alternative Fuels Project, "He's interested in funding the project." Max asks about her agreement with Titan. Melanie says it's verbal, "The more greedy hands the more money in the pot."

"I think it was Karl Marx that said that," says Max.

"I want to imitate a bidding war," squeals Melanie, "JUST LIKE EBAY!"

"That sounds more like something Groucho Marx would say," says Max.

Nicole puts the baby in a drawer. Just like all Salem babies, neglected from the start. She tries to cheer Melanie up. She tells her she was brave the way she got through this and will be even more brave giving her baby a good life, "You should be proud of yourself."

"I can't do this," whimpers Mia, "I just can't."

Phillip beats himself up for making a verbal agreement with Melanie. He smirks as he figures out how to get to her.

Mia whines, "My baby... she's mine! Does she look like me?"

"No," says Nicole, "You don't look much like a shriveled gherkin." Mia thinks if she sees the baby's face or holds her she will want to keep her. Nicole wants to take Mia to the clinic. Mia doesn't want to go. She just wants to rest. She makes Nicole promise her baby will always be happy. "I can't do that," says Nicole.

Sleazo grills Rafe. The Rafester refuses to talk. He tells Sleazo one of Sami's kids is a DiMera, "If you kill one of Stefano DiMera's grandchildren, you may as well pick out your headstone." Sleazo says he figures he's a dead man any way if he doesn't eliminate Sami, "Tell me or one of the kids dies tonight!"

"That would be a good thing," says Rafe, "since it seems like this night will never end."

Sami bellows. Dr. Baker screams, "Push like there's no tomorrow!"

Max says he doesn't want Melanie to get hurt. He says a verbal agreement is binding. "Not if there is no written proof of it," says Melanie. She says Phillip is treating her badly and this is about putting her project in the right hands. She swears she can handle it. Phillip walks in. Max asks, "Can you handle him?"

Mia changes her tune and makes Nicole promise she will always love her baby. Nicole tells her the longer she waits to make the decision she already made, the harder it will be.

Rafe wants Sleazo to leave innocent people alone. Sleazo doesn't think anyone is innocent. Rafe growls, "You're just your everyday sociopath... void of compassion... narcissistic..."

Sleazo sneers, "Which one of the twins should I kill first?"

Sami screams like a tortured banshee. Dr. Baker yells, "FORCEPS! NOW!"

The nurse says, "Doctor, you forgot, we're just a backwoods country clinic we don't have an OR and we don't have forceps!"

Baker screams, "CROWBAR! NOW!"

Phillip asks to speak to Melanie in private. They find a table and he tells her he's embarrassed he tracked her down, "Truth is I didn't want to eat alone. In fact I've been trying to lose some weight and I knew if I ate with you I'd lose my appetite altogether." He wants to iron out a few things about the Alternative Fuels Project. Melanie stalls and says she has to leave. She bolts. Max tells Phillip to stay away from her.

Rafe works to free his hands as Sleazo soliloquizes. He gives Rafe one last chance to talk.

Mia tells Nicole she can have the baby. She assures Nicole she's OK, so Nicole can go, "Bye baby girl..."

Phillip thinks this is about him dating Stephanie. Max claims it's about Melanie, "Treat her with respect or I will make sure she leaves Titan with the patent."

"I'd lose billions," says Phillip, "But to get rid of Melanie, it might be worth it."

Outside, Melanie runs into Brady. He says he was just thinking about his dad.

"Your dad," repeats Melanie, "John Black, right?" She tells him her father was murdered, "He wasn't the best father in the world but you only get one right?"

"That's not necessarily true if you live in Salem," says Brady, "I'm sorry if it sounded like I was complaining about my dad not being around."

"You weren't complaining," says Melanie, "You were grieving over the fact that he's gone. Just like the Jarlena bunch. I never could figure out what they saw in that couple."

"Don't make fun of them," says Brady, "They don't like that."

"They won't know," says Melanie, "They don't watch the show any more."

Rafe agrees to tell Sleazo where Sami is.

Sami pushes.

Mia sleeps. Nicole thinks she's just a baby herself and hopes she doesn't regret what she has done.

Phillip and Max continue to argue about Melanie.

Phillip leaves and Pete brings Max a large mystery envelope.

Melanie talks about Trent. She thinks the Alternative Fuels Project is her chance at redemption.

Rafe throws a glance towards Sami's medal on the table. Sleazo gets it, "You gotta be kidding me. Shea's at the convent?"

The infant babbles. So does Mia's baby. Nicole wishes she really were EJ's baby. She packs the kid up and heads for the clinic. Mia opens her eyes, "My baby...."

Rafe works his hands loose. Sleazo says, "Now that I know where she is I have no use for you. Tough luck Agent H!"

Sami pops a beautiful baby girl, but the glee is short-lived. Sami freaks, "Why isn't she crying? What's happening?"

"What's happening," says Dr. Baker, "is across town, an inexperienced fifteen year old kid delivered a baby like a trooper and right here we've got a babbling woman who's had four kids acting like she's the adolescent delivering a baby."

Kittens And Rainbows

Sleazo has Rafe tied up in the safehouse. He confronts him with the baby book and Rafe tells him the book belongs to his girlfriend. Sleazo threatens to kill him if he doesn't talk. Rafe says he's ready to blab. Sleazo snarls, "So where is the little bitch?"

Sister Teresa threatens to call 911 If Sami leaves. Sami nukes. Sister Teresa thinks maybe she should call 911 either way. Suddenly Sami stops ranting and...

LABOR!

Mia calls Nicole in Dr. Baker's office and tells her she's in labor. Nicole panics and tells the doctor. As she heads out the door, she screams into the phone, "I'm on my way!"

Chloe and Daniel meet outside the pub. Chloe says Lucas has left a message for them to meet there, "Lucas can't find out about us until Kate is better."

Speak of the devil, Kate walks up. Daniel and Chloe give us looks of guilt and consternation. Kate asks, "Is one of you two gonna tell me what's going on?"

Over at Titan, Stephanie computes. Phillip tells her to stop working. Stephanie argues. Phillip says, "I thought you were dying for your surprise." He reels off a list of fancy places he's going to take Stephanie on their date. He mentions Lincoln Park, and she asks if that's not in Chicago. "Yep," says Phillip, "The jet is fueled up and ready to go, and so am I." Stephanie declines.

Sami hyperventilates. Sister Teresa asks if Sami is sure this is the real thing. "This is my fourth kid," bellows Sami, "Now I remember why I keep trying to get rid of them."

Nicole rushes into Mia's apartment. Mia whimpers, "The contractions are a minute apart."

"Let's go," screams Nicole. Mia refuses.

Chloe tells Kate she was telling Daniel how bad she feels about her argument with Lucas. Kate says she stopped by Daniel's apartment and we flash back to the tense moment. Chloe excuses herself and heads inside.

Daniel says he was there at the time Kate dropped by. Kate guesses he didn't hear her knock. She wants to talk about Daniel and herself.

Inside, Chloe sits with Allie and Lucas. Lucas, "Asks are we OK?"

"No, Lucas," she whines, "We're not."

Sami writhes in pain as Sister Teresa tells her they've got to get to the clinic. Instead, Sami decides this would be a good time to go looking for Rafe. "No," says Sister Teresa, "Our heavenly father is watching over him."

"He sure didn't do a very good job of looking out for Hilda," says Sami.

"Hey," snorts God, "I'm a busy guy."

Sami huffs and puffs.

Sleazo taunts and grills. Rafe sasses. Sleazo smacks him upside the haid and decides to play his trump card. He leaves and Rafe struggles.

It takes a special editing machine to come up with those multiple '24' shots and, as we have seen, the days crew has rented one. They don't want it to go to waste, so now we're filming half the episode that way. So now we've got Dr. Baker in one, Mia and Nicole in another and Sami and Sister Teresa in a third. I didn't think it was possible but this is how they manage to make the show three times as bad as it was before.

Baker gets a call. It's Sister Teresa calling about Sami, and Dr. Baker tells the Sister to bring her in. Baker gets back on the phone with Nicole and tells her the nun called and is on her way.

If three scenes in one shot are good, four must be better, so we try that for a while.

Stephanie refuses to go to Chicago. She says she appreciates the gesture but tells Phillip he's trying too hard. She don' need no stinkin' hipster wine bar to be impressed. Phillip takes notes and asks what the perfect date entails. Stephanie attacks.

Chloe clarifies. She tells Lucas she's still angry with herself for overreacting. She's not mad a Lucas through because it's not right to be mad at poor defenseless dumb creatures. Lucas vows his undying love for her as Chloe listens and zones out. She says she thinks she was being selfish and immature. "That's why I love you so much," says Lucas, "You're just like Sami."

Chloe tells Lucas she thinks Allie is really cute. "She's not the only cutie at the table," says Lucas.

"Cut it out," blushes Chloe, "You're not that cute."

Kate tells Daniel she is happy as long as her children are happy. She says she's most happy for Lucas, who has made bad choices in women. Kate thinks he has now found the right one. Daniel agrees. She decides to go in with the three of them and asks Daniel to join them. He declines. Kate goes inside and Daniel watches the happy scene through the window.

Victor walks up, "You want what Lucas has, don't you?" Daniel stammers. Victor says he meant a relationship and family. Daniel says he wants that... eventually. Victor tells him that was his way of asking if Daniel is staying in Salem. Daniel says he is, "I belong in Salem. That seems to be where all the nuts eventually wind up. But sometimes I think all the right women are taken."

"I'll tell you one thing," says Victor, "All the women in Salem are taken... with themselves." We zoom in and see the big party at the table. It's just one big happy bubbly bunch.

Sleazo sits across the room and makes a video of the happy scene.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Rafe struggles, "Hang on, Sami." We have the obligatory flashback to baby feeling and Rafe telling Sami he "cares."

Sister Teresa helps Sami with her coat and hustles her out.

Nicole hangs up as Mia screams. Nicole searches the apartment for towels, sheets and a cork. Mia screams. Nicole tries to calm her down, "Think of kittens and rainbows."

Mia don' need no stinkin' kittens and rainbows. She needs an exorcist, and a doctor, NOW. Nicole tells Mia they don't have a choice, "Mia, do you trust me?"

"NO," she screams, "You can't deliver my baby!"

Nicole says, "I am bringing this baby into the world, NOW!"

Caroline and Ciara join the crew as Sleazo films.

Victor heads into the pub. Daniel stays outside and Sleazo passes behind him.

Stephanie brings Phillip to the Cheatin' Heart. She wants to prove all that matters is they are together. Phillip wants to know if she chose the place because Max is there. She tells Phillip, "Max isn't working tonight."

"Just like every night," says Phillip. Stephanie wants to bet on a game of pool. Phillip says, "I get to pick what the bet is."

Stephanie asks, "What do you have in mind?"

"Rack 'em up and you'll see," says Phillip.

Sister Teresa arrives at the clinic with "Colleen." Dr. Baker sends her off with the nurse. Sister Teresa thanks him and says it's a blessing that one of his patients recommended the clinic.

Dr. Nicole works on delivering Mia's baby. Mia isn't taking it well, "Get it out of me!"

"You're the only one who can do that," says Nicole, "Push!"

Phillip shows Stephanie how to line up a shot and take a peek all at the same time. Stephanie thinks he's crimping her style and tells him to get away from the table while she makes the shot. Phillip walks off as Stephanie, after a dozen takes, makes the shot, "You just got beat by a chick. What's my big prize?" Stephanie's beer kicks in before Phillip can say, so she heads for the ladies' room.

Once Stephanie is out of sight, Phillip goes up to the bartender and offers him $2,000 to close the place.

"Great," says the bartender, "And for another $2,000 I'll let you two lovebirds stay here alone."

Rafe works on his bindings. Sleazo comes back, "Once you see this video, you'll offer Sami Brady on a spit."

Dr. Baker barks orders and gets concerned when he looks at one of the machines, "OMG! Her contractions are causing stress!"

"If you don't think this is supposed to be stressful," screams Sami, "You try it. Do something! NOW!"

Mia won't cooperate. Nicole shouts, "Get beyond the pain."

A gal in the audience screams, "It's nothing compared to what we are going through."

Allie gets restless and acts up as Lucas tries to feed her mashed potatoes. Suddenly, Chloe gets a face full. Laugh, laugh, laugh. See Lucas laugh. Laugh, Lucas, laugh. Chloe fires a spoonful of mashed potatoes back at him. Lucas stops laughing and...

FOOD FIGHT!

Kate decides this is her cue to bug out. As she makes a break for it, she tells Victor to approach at his own risk. Caroline laughs about the whole thing and tells Victor she won't mind cleaning up after it's over.

Victor scowls, "Chloe is an ill-mannered pig."

Caroline chastises him and says the kids love her. "They're children," snarls Victor, "They'd love her if she were Lizzie Borden as long as she kept kissing their asses. The relationship is doomed. And so is Lucas." Caroline gets the phone book and looks up the addresses of Alzheimer's clinics.

Stephanie comes back from the ladies' room, "Hey the place is empty!"

"What tipped you off to that fact," asks Phillip.

"You really stink at pool," says Stephanie.

Phillip walks up to the table and smacks the cue ball. Fourteen balls go in the pockets simultaneously and Stephanie gets a clue that Phillip just might have let her win, "I did it to build your confidence."

Stephanie decides she's mad at him. She says she had a consolation prize for him. Now she threatens he won't get it since she really didn't win.

Phillip wants to know what it was. Stephanie moves in and gives him a little hint.

Dr. Baker says Sami's cord is compressed, "The baby isn't getting enough oxygen." Sami demands a C-section. "We can't," says Baker.

Mia pushes and screams.

Phillip's phone rings. He's interested in other things. More smooching. More ringing. Phillip answers. It's the office. Phillip sighs, "I'll be right there." He apologizes and says he'll be back, "Will you wait for me?"

"Yes," says Stephanie, "It's going to be so much fun standing around in an empty bar all by myself." Phillip leaves. Stephanie smiles.

Caroline serves Victor. He asks her to join him.

Chloe gets a call from Daniel. She decides it's not important and lets it roll to voicemail. Daniel leaves a message. He says he thinks the time to tell people about their relationship may never come. He's decided he can't come between her and Lucas.

Sleazo shows Rafe the video of Allie and Ciara.

Rafe screams, "You SOB!"

Baker says they don't have an OR, so Sami can't have a C-section. Sami panics.

Nicole carries Mia's baby around the room. Mia sleeps. Nicole cries. Mia wakes and asks about the baby. Nicole says she's perfect and asks if Mia wants to see her. Mia says she doesn't. Nicole looks to the heavens and cries.

Bad Guy Wins

Sister Teresa asks if "Mary" has made provisions for delivery. Mary Nicole says she has and gives gives Sister Teresa a card with the name of Dr. Baker's clinic on it. She asks Sister Teresa to keep their talk confidential.

Sami finishes her prayer and turns to find Sister Mary Whoosits in the sanctuary. She asks the Sister to escort her to Sister Teresa's office.

Rafe is tied up in his chair and half conscious. Sleazo gets in his face, "Rise and shine tough guy! Are you ready to talk?" Rafe don' know nuttin'. If that's the case, Sleazo decides there is no point in keeping him alive.

Patch and Kayla, Bo and Hope drink to John and Marlena at the pub. Abe joins them and asks to speak to Bo. They go off and Abe tells Bo they need to ramp up the search for the suspect.

"I'm doing the best I can," says Bo.

"That's not good enough, "scolds Abe.

"OK," says Bo, "We'll get on it. I'll double the donut order."

"Good," says Abe, "And while you're at it, you might actually try spending some time in the office."

Sister Teresa assures Mary Nicole, "My lips are sealed."

"Good," says Mary Nicole, "I need you to keep this confidential."

"That's not why my lips are sealed," says the Sister, "I'm afraid I mistook crazy glue for lip balm."

Sami runs up to Sister Teresa's door in a panic and starts banging and whining for Sister Teresa to let her in. Mary Nicole also panics and begs Sister Teresa not to open the door. Sister Teresa hauls Mary Nicole out the back way as Sami rushes in.

Abe says he knows Bo is working his tail off but needs him to work harder. Bo gets defensive.

Lexie comes in with Theo and everyone in the pub oohs and aahs. Theo smiles and hugs his mommy. He'll break her heart later.

Abe does a 180° and thanks Bo for calling the ambulance, which of course, saved Theo's life. Suddenly Bo gets a vision...

Rafe tells Sleazo to go ahead and pull the trigger. He works his bindings while Sleazo taunts. Rafe asks who hired him to kill the mayor. Sleazo won't answer, but he tells Rafe he found something of Rafe's. He holds a taser in front of Rafe's face, "Why don't I just shook it out of you?"

ZAPZAPZAPZAPZAP!

Sister Teresa hustles back into her office and Sami asks who was there, like it's any of her business. "I heard voices," says Sami.

Mary Nicole listens as Sister Teresa lies and says she was praying. Sister Teresa keeps piling on the lies and says she was praying for Sami. Sami thanks her for keeping the baby at the convent as Mary Nicole grabs and earful.

More lies – Sister Teresa says she was praying Sami would have a change of heart. Sami says having the baby with this guy is her biggest mistake and he can never find out. Mary Nicole rustles.

"What was that," asks Sami.

Bo tells Hope Abe just bawled him out about the hunt for the assassin. Hope defends Bo. Bo throws a glance toward Patch, "I need to think outside the box."

"That's a good idea," says Hope, "Since your box is empty."

They go back to the table. Bo takes Patch aside for "another round."

Meanwhile, Lexie announces she promised Theo a big ole piece of chocolate cake when he got out of the hospital. Abe nearly falls off his chair, "HE CAN'T HAVE CHOCOLATE CAKE!"

"Don't worry," says Lexie, "I've had Caroline whip up one of her gluten-free chocolate cakes for him." Translation: Gluten-free = taste-free.

Bo tells Patch he wants his help. Patch reminds Bo he has an entire police force at his disposal. "Yeah," says Bo, "But they're cops and you're not. You might be able to get something done. But I'll understand if you don't want to do it."

Patch is rarin' to go after Stefano, "Nothin' would make me happier than to bust that two-tone goatee bastard."

Patch walks off. Bo's vision continues.

Sami asks what the rustling sound was. Sister Teresa continues her fibfest, "It was Sister Mary Bumblingidiot. Her room is next to my office and she's not very quiet."

God takes out his grade book and gives Sister Teresa an "F" in the ninth commandment.

Sami asks what if the father of her baby comes to the convent. She wants to know if Sister Teresa would have a problem lying to him about her baby. Sister Teresa says telling a lie would definitely be a problem, "I could never lie."

God buries his head in his hands, "I've gotta have a long talk with that girl."

Sleazo tries to wake Rafe. He gets no response. He looks at the taser, sees it's set on "FRY" instead of "STUN" and tosses it across the room. He kicks Rafe, "Wake up! You hear me? You can't die! Open your eyes!"

Patch comes back to Bo and says, "You've got something on your mind."

"I guess there's a first time for everything," says Bo, "But I can't tell you what's going on." Then he proceeds to tell everything, "I'm having visions."

"You mean like that woman on Medium," asks Patch, "Man! Flash the wining lotto number and split it with me!" Bo tells him to cut it out and describes seeing Theo's accident, "And now I've had another vision. I think Hope was in it."

Patch asks, "What did you see?"

Bo says, "It wasn't what I saw. It felt like death."

Sami assures Sister Teresa the baby's father would never come there since he doesn't know about the baby. Mary Nicole soaks it in. Sister Teresa rewrites the bible, "You know my child, our Blessed Mother was in the same situation."

"Not really," says Sami, "She told everyone who the real father was and that's why you have a job." Sami whines until Sister Teresa can't take it any more and promises to keep her secret. She tells Sami she found a clinic where she can give birth. Sami is relieved. Sister Teresa hustles Sami out.

Mary Nicole comes back into Sister Teresa's office. She tells Sister Teresa she's given her hope.

Rafe has been faking unconsciousness. He works his hands loose and jumps Sleazo.

Bo rambles on about his visions. He tells Patch he thinks he's got to get Hope off the murder investigation.

Meanwhile, back at the table, Kayla mentions she has to get home to L'il Joe.

That perks Theo up, "BABY JOE! WHERE IS HE?"

"That's what his daddy and I are wondering," says Kayla. Abe wonders how Kayla and Hope do it, "How do you manage to juggle professional jobs and family."

"By being rotten at both," says Kayla. Lexie salutes family and friends.

Sister Teresa leaves her office. Nicole calls Mia, who tells her nothing is going on. "Well, stop watching DOOL and concentrate on having a kid," says Nicole. Nicole hangs up and spies the statue of the Holy Mother across the room. She asks for forgiveness for her fantasy where she used her statue as a murder weapon, "Why couldn't Sami lose her baby and mine be born.? Nit's not fair. I have to make it fair."

Sami prays. God dozes. She prays for Rafe and we flash back to the tender moment where Rafe said he cares about her.

Back at the safehouse, it's a raucous floor-rollin' hair-pullin' manly slappin' gen-u-wine me-lee as the boys tumble across the floor taking pets, furniture and other debris with them. Rafe gets the gun. Sleazo gets the taser and fries up a batch of Rafe. He stands over Rafe's charred body, "Bad guy wins."

Mia sits on her bed and writes a letter to her daughter telling her she will miss her, "How can I give you up?"

Patch and Kayla have joined Bo and Hope at another table. Abe asks, "Why did they leave? Was it our breath?"

"I've been meaning to speak to you about that," says Lexie. The new permissive Lexie emerges as Theo tears things up.

Patch and Kayla, Bo and Hope sit together. Nosy Kayla wants to know what Bo and Patch talked about. The boys evade and yammer about family. Bo tells Hope he's taking her off the case. Services for Bo are pending.

Sleazo ties Rafe back up.

Sami finishes praying, gets up and sees Sister Teresa. She announces she has to go find Rafe.

Bo and Hope argue. Patch and Kayla enjoy the entertainment, but have to protect themselves from the flying debris. Hope goes off the scale, "What? Do you want me home cooking?"

"Well," says Bo, "That would be nice." Let history record Bo's last words were, "That would be nice."

"Gee," says Hope, "For a minute there I thought you were going to be a chauvinist jerk."

Patch and Kayla take advantage of a lull in the firefight to leave. Outside, Kayla wonders why Bo would take Hope off the case. Patch thinks it's for the best, "Actually, I'm glad they got into a fight so now I can have some private time with you."

God takes out his grade book and gives Patch an "F" in the ninth commandment.

Hope rages, "What are you hiding, Brady?"

Bo cowers behind a table, "Me."

Sleazo ransacks the safehouse and finds a baby book, "Well, well well, what is this?"

Sister Teresa tries to convince Sami to stay put. Sami is defiant, "You're not gonna stop me!"

"Wanna bet?" God takes out his grade book and gives Sister Teresa an "A" in 'having a pair.'

Nicole flashes back to Chloe giving her the baby news. She shows up at the clinic and tells Dr. Baker a nun will call and he should take it. "What the hell are you up to now," asks Baker.

Outside the pub, Kayla continues to pump Patch for info. "Bo gave me a job," says Patch, "I have to get on it right away."

"Right now," whines Kayla.

"No," says Patch, "There is only one thing I wanna do right now. Follow me."

Bo is evasive about his motive for wanting Hope off the case, but begs Hope to be extra careful. He suggests going out for the evening since Ciara will be busy playing in traffic. As they leave Abe apologizes for coming down hard on Bo. Bo says it's all OK, "I will do whatever it takes."

"Correction," says Hope, "We will do whatever it takes."

God takes out his grade book and gives Bo an "F" in 'having a pair.'

Sleazo thinks Rafe got his girlfriend knocked up. He says Rafe will never see his kid if he doesn't talk. "OK," says Rafe, "I'll talk."

Sister Teresa says she will call 911 if Sami leaves. Sami throws a hissy fit and...

She doubles over in pain, "I think I'm... having the baby!"

Backer grills Nicole as she gets a call from Mia. Nicole asks, "Mia can I call you back? I'm in the middle of something."

Mia's in the middle of something, too, "I'm in labor!".

Intense dramatic music fills the airwaves as we section off scenes of Nicole and Baker, Sami gruntin' and groanin' and Mia huffin' and puffin'. Oh, the drama! Oh the excitement! Something might finally happen on this show! Smithers, release the hounds!

I'm Not Lying – I'm Rearranging The Facts

The monotonous beep of the machines in John's room clashes with the monotonous and irritating John and Marlena tinkle music playing in the background as Marlena vows her love and we flashback, flashback, flashback... Tender scenes of love and their life together flood the TV screen... meeting... wedding... undressing... another wedding... having fun in the park... another wedding... watching Abe Lincoln give the Gettysburg address... another wedding...

John's eyes pop open, "I remember... all of it, Doc. Especially you." Oh, the tears!

Kate shows up at the Horton cabin. She's confused about the trip switcheroo, "Where's Chloe?"

"You tell me," says Loserclueless.

Chloe and Daniel start the preliminaries. Chloe backs off, "We can't do this again!"

"YES WE CAN!"

EJ arrives at the mansion looking for Nicole, "Where the devil is she?"

Sami kneels at the convent altar as Nicole comes in and watches. "Dear God," prays Sami, "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Me neither," says God, "Those scenes of you and Rafe are more boring than moving a glacier."

John remembers everything. Kayla comes in and Marlena tells her the good news. Kayla says she thought that might happen. Marlena senses something is wrong. What else would you expect?

EJ asks Stefano if he has seen Nicole, "If she's gone to Chicago I'll chase her down and drive her back." Stefano says he hasn't seen her and he is on his way to Italy to save the fortunes of the DiMera clan.

Sami prays. Nicole rushes up and screams, "How could you do this to me? You are nothing but a lying, two-faced whore!"

"That's not true," says Sami, "I'm not two faced."

Enraged Nicole vows to be the one to give EJ a child. She says it wasn't supposed to be Sami, "I want to rip that baby from you!"

Sami cowers and screams for help, as Nicole uses the statue of the Blessed Mother as a murder weapon...

OK, Fantasy over. Nicole comes up to Sami and stares.

Kayla says, "John's central nervous system has had a catastrophic episode. If he stays here even one more day, his chances of recovery are slim."

Marlena says she didn't get him back to lose him so they will take him anywhere, "But where can we go?"

"The unemployment bureau."

Stefano tells EJ he is going to Rome, but will be back tomorrow, "It's one of those budget tours." He gets a call, "Dear God!"

Daniel and Chloe decide she should go. She starts to leave, but, are you kidding? They clamp themselves together like a couple of electromagnets on high voltage.

Lucas tells Kate he is the one who canceled the trip to Vancouver. He tells her about Sami's call and Kate has a cow, "Lucas, I know the two of you share history, children and an IQ lower than Death Valley, but whatever she touches she destroys."

Sister Teresa comes in with lunch and Nicole runs out. Sami don' wan' no stinkin' lunch because she's so worried about Rafe. Sister Teresa assures Sami Rafe can handle himself. Sami says she's prayed and decided the sister needs her to take the baby until Sami can figure out something else. Sister Teresa agrees. Nicole listens through the door. Sister Teresa asks where Sami will be giving birth. Apparently the fact that she has to think about something like that is news to Sami.

Lucas says he's tried to call Chloe but he gets voicemail. He wonders if Daniel might know something.

Chloe... Daniel... slow motion... skin... body parts... soft porn... filler...

Stefano gets off the phone and tells EJ John was attacked and poisoned and he may not recover, "How could this happen?"

"Really bad writing and budget cuts would be my guess," says EJ. Stefano goes into a rage. EJ says he will take the trip instead so Stefano can go see John.

Kayla tells Marlena about a facility in Switzerland that specializes in ridiculous cases that defy reality and have no basis in medical fact. Marlena runs out and gets Brady. Brady walks in. John recognizes him and we have the big reunion, "SON! Let's bond. Did you bring your bong? "

Chloe and Daniel lie entwined on the couch and softly caress the naked body parts that can be shown on TV. Chloe says she knows when she looks in Daniel's eyes there is more there than lust. Daniel refuses to be ashamed of his feelings for her, "Let's end this deception. Let's tell everyone the truth."

Lucas says Daniel might know where Chloe is. He tells Kate about Daniel showing up at the cabin. Kate thinks that's strange. She stops Lucas from calling Daniel and says she has a better idea, "I think it would be more fun for me to walk in on them in the act."

Brady comes out of John's room and finds Marlena standing with Roman. He sends Marlena back in.

Inside, John tells Marlena he can't move his arms and legs. Stefano rushes in and finds Roman and Brady staring at the walls.

Sister Mary Whoozits tells Nicole she will inform sister Teresa Nicole is there and will not let anyone else know about it. She leaves and Nicole says, "If I can pull this off everything will work out." She gets a call – EJ. He asks what she is up to and she tells him she went for a walk, "Do I get a demerit for that?"

"No," says EJ, "You get a DiMerat." He tells her he has to go off on business.

Sister Teresa walks into the room as Nicole talks, takes out a megaphone and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Bless you, my child."

EJ overhears and asks, "Where are you?"

Nicole says a nun just passed her as she was walking. She says she understands about the business trip. EJ will stay in touch. Nicole hangs up and Sister Teresa asks why she lied when she was on the phone.

Nicole says, "I'm not lying – I'm rearranging the facts. And I need your help."

Daniel and Chloe argue about whether they should tell the world about their steamy affair and undying love for each other. "We can't do that," says Chloe, "That would be too much work. Instead, we could just tell Maggie."

Kate and Lucas talk about Kate's feelings for Daniel and Lucas' feelings for Chloe and then Kate leaves.

Marlena tells John the drug has destroyed his central nervous system.

"So I can't walk or move," asks John.

"That's right," says Marlena

"Then get out," snorts John, "Never look back."

"Wait," says Marlena, "You're only paralyzed from the neck down. You can still squint."

"Oh," says John, "That's different. I guess things will be OK then."

Marlena vows, "I'll stick by you through thick and thin, by gum, and You'll recover and we'll be together for all the Days Of Our Lives. Just being with you is enough. I will work and we will work and we will get you well. As God as my witness, they're not going to lick us. We're going to live through this, and when it's all over, we'll be together. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill; as God as my witness, I'll never be hungry again! "

"I have something to ask you," says John, "Will you marry me... again? Now? Right here. Before we go."

Marlena says she will go make the arrangements, "I have a standing order at the florist and a lifetime subscription to Brides' Magazine."

Outside, Marlena gives everyone the news. She sends the group in and goes for Father Jansen, who has nothing better to do. Stefano tells her he had nothing to do with John's condition. Marlena don' give a flying leap because he can't hurt them any more.

Chloe tells Daniel she loves him as she gets ready to go. They get a simultaneous call and knock at the door. Daniel gets the phone and sends Chloe to the door. He says it's OK for her to do that, because he's expecting test results. Outside, Kate knocks. Chloe hesitates at the door.

Father Jansen begins the ceremony. Stefano watches from outside. Of course, Marlena has a few things to say.

"Do I recall," asks Father Jansen, "That you've exchanged vows before?"

"That's right," says John, "We do it with the regularity of Halley's Comet. In fact our first ceremony was when it came around in 1910."

Irritating tinkle music plays as Marlena says she and John were meant to be together. She just knew the love of her life was inside John's vapid void. Every time they got back together their bond got stronger, "I will always be by your side, John.,, Changing your catheter... Adjusting your bedpan..."

Lucas leaves a voicemail for Chloe and tells her he wants her to come home.

Kate waits at the door but finally gives up and leaves. Chloe opens the door, sees Kate walking away, jumps out of her skin and hustles back into the apartment.

EJ scribbles a note for Nicole and leaves.

Nicole tells sister Teresa her name is Mary. I wonder where she got that idea. She says she comes from a strict Catholic family who would disown her if they found out she was pregnant. She asks Sister Teresa to pray that her family doesn't find out and, of course, she can't have the baby in Salem. She says she's taken care of that, however. Sister Teresa thinks this quite is a coincidence.

Sami prays for Rafe to come back safely. She hears rustling behind her, "Rafe!" She turns to look.

Roman and Brady are witnesses as the ceremony continues. Roman can't believe what a big part he's had in today's episode.

John says, "Marlena, you are the reason I wake up every morning. Because once I see you, I know things can only get better from there."

Father Jansen wraps up the ceremony, "You may kiss the bride." Closer... closer... closer... She takes crippled, crumpled John into her arms and he kisses the lovely Marlena Evans-Craig-Bradford-Brady-Black-North-Black-DiMera-Black-DiMera.

Sister Mary Slut

Daniel stands at the open door of the Horton cabin and tells Lucas he's there to talk about Chloe.

Chloe slips up and tells Nicole about Sami's pregnancy.

Nicole gasps, "Lucas is the father right?"

Sleazo and Rafe tumble back and forth across the safehouse floor. The gun flies. Sleazo gets it, "You're gonna die but not right away. First you will tell me where that blonde bitch is."

Sami worries because Rafe has been gone so long. Her baby is due and she doesn't know what she will do when it comes.

"Judging by your history," says Sister Teresa, "You'll send it to Europe, pawn it off on another woman or give it to an ex-husband."

John lies unconscious on the floor. Marlena calls for adrenaline. Brady steps up with a syringe, "Here, I think this is adrenaline."

"Close enough," says Marlena. She grabs the hypo, stretches her arm halfway to the ceiling and...

PLUNGE!

Ouch! Right in the eyeball.

Lucas invites Daniel in. Daniel says, "Chloe is going through something and she is covering it up."

Luclueless asks what he asks so often, "What are you trying to tell me?"

Nicole rants, "That overly fertile bitch! And Lucas! He must've known all this time. OMG, does she want him back? Is Lucas leaving you for that cow? It's bad enough he can't keep it in his pants. Can he at least use protection?"

"Oh," says Chloe, "So you've discovered protection since your elevator escapade? How nice."

Nicole blabbers on, "So anyway, even though Lucas is stupid and without self discipline, you still love him and I know this hurts."

Chloe finally gets a word in, "LUCAS IS NOT THE BABY'S FATHER!"

"He's lying to you," says Nicole, "Who else could it be?"

"EJ. EJ is the baby's father."

Hell hath no fury, "I'll KILL HER!"

Bo works on John as Marlena begs him to suck it up and come back to life once again. This guy has died more times than a 1986 Yugo with a leaky fuel pump. Charlotte taunts. Hope hauls her out. Marlena tells Brady to go after them and find out what was in the syringe.

Daniel says Chloe is stressed. He stumbles around and avoids Lucas' questions.

Nicole is stunned. She decides Sami has to be lying. Nicole asks how long Chloe has known. Chloe tells her she knew before Sami went into the witless protection program but she didn't tell Nicole because she seemed so happy. Nutty Nicole nukes. She vows not to let Sami ruin things for her and EJ.

Sister Teresa wants to know why Sami is so frightened, "Why don't you start by telling me who you really are?"

Sleazo points the gun at Rafe's temple, "Sami Brady... where is she?"

"Never heard of her," says Rafe.

Sleazo taunts, "You wanna play games with me? You know, Hilda played games with me and she's pretty dead now."

"Hilda was a Fed," says Rafe, "You're gonna get the needle."

"Not if I don't get caught," says Sleazo, "So, where is she?"

Rafe continues to deny that he knows, "So, are you gonna shoot me now or are you gonna mess around until I have to endure another episode of DOOL? "

"I'm not going to shoot you," says Sleazo, "Eventually, you will talk."

Speaking of talking, Sami comes clean with sister Teresa. She tells her who Rafe is and that she's in the witless protection program. She also tells sister Teresa she doesn't hate the baby's father, but it's his family she fears. She tells her about the weird house Johnnie lives in, "The grandfather is pure evil."

"My organization takes evil very seriously," says Sister Teresa. Sami begs her to hide her baby.

Bo and Marlena work on John. John gurgles. Bo huffs. Marlena falls apart.

Lucas says his fight with Chloe is none of Daniel's damn business. He gets a call. He says he has to go pick up Allie and asks what Daniel has to tell him.

Chloe tells Nicole Sami is hiding in a convent. "A convent," shrieks Nicole, "Haven't they noticed Sister Mary Slut is about to pop out a baby? Sami have something in common. Neither of us wants to tell EJ about the baby. So, do you know the name of the convent?"

Chloe asks, "Why?"

Nicole says, "Oh, I was just hoping we could get that little piece of information to the guy that's trying to kill her."

Sami tells the sister ditching the kid at the convent is only a temporary solution. She believes EJ loves Johnnie, but the grandfather loves hurting people. She thinks she has lost Johnnie to that family but can't let that happen to this baby. Sami turns on the tears, "Please take my baby."

They wheel John into the emergency room. Brady rages. Mommy pulls him aside to try to calm him down. "I saw him when he was watching that video," says Brady, "He loves you so much."

"Of course he does," says Marlena, "What's not to love?"

Dr. Kayla bends over, "John! What did Charlotte do to you?"

John looks up, "You're the doctor. Isn't it your job to find out?"

Bo tells Charlotte they're going to the station to talk. She wants to know if John's alive. Bo asks, "You're supposed to be a doctor – whatever happened to 'First, do no harm?'"

Charlotte says, "You're supposed to be a police officer, whatever happened to 'First, don't screw up?'" She tells Bo and Marlena, "John will never be the same as he was."

Marlena asks, "You mean the same as he was before today or the same as he was before he lost his mind or the same as he was before when he was Roman or the same as he was..." Bo hauls Charlotte out.

Hope zones, "John, don't let the crazy lady win."

Kayla walks up to Marlena, "John has had an... episode. It's like a stroke."

"He had muscle relaxant injected," says Marlena, "How did you figure out it's like having a stroke?"

"I went to WebMD," says Kayla.

Marlena tells Kayla about the tape, "He remembered things. He remembered me and Charlotte kept that from him. If we could only get him to access those memories when he's awake."

Brady comes out of John's room, "I think he has done that."

Lucas tells Daniel Allie has a tape of Chloe singing which puts her to sleep. "Chloe performing would put anyone to sleep," says Daniel, "But I didn't realize Chloe and Allie were that close."

"They are," says Lucas, "They're very close. In fact, their mental ages aren't just close, they're almost exactly the same."

Suddenly, Daniel realizes this really is none of his business. Luclueless doesn't understand why Daniel is so focused on Chloe. He tells Daniel he doesn't have to worry and can go home. Daniel apologizes for bothering him and starts to leave. Lucas stops him and totally comes out of left field as he asks Daniel if he should tell Chloe not to go to Vancouver.

"I thought you said this was none of my business," says Daniel.

"My mind can only hold one thought at a time," says Lucas, "And that's a stretch."

"Chloe just has to figure things out for herself," says Daniel.

"That's a stretch, too," says Lucas.

Nicole says her little death threat was just wishful thinking, "Sami isn't even here and she's still tearing my life apart." Nicole doesn't believe Sami is trying to hide the baby from EJ, "Once she has that baby Sami has a bargaining chip. Please don't tell Lucas you told me this."

"Sure," says Chloe, "There are a lot of things I'm not telling Lucas these days. What will you do?"

Nicole isn't sure what she will do. She suggests Chloe go home to Lucas, "I'm sure he's much better company than I am."

"Not really," says Chloe, "But my Chia Plant is better company than both of you." Chloe leaves and Nicole looks up the address of the convent.

Brady says he showed John the tape again while he was in the room and when it got to the part where he remembered seeing Marlena he squeezed his hand and said, "See light."

Marlena panics and runs into John's room, "John, it's me. You gave me a hell of a scare. Wasn't the first time. Better not be the last. I need to reach you. We can do that through our memories."

Flashback to memories... I don't know what they're saying since the early memories of John and Marlena go back to a time before there were talkies.

Marlena asks, "John, do you remember?" She gives him a reassuring smile.

Chloe shows up at Daniel's apartment. She comes in and tells him she fought with Lucas. Daniel tells her he knows because he went to see Lucas, "But I didn't tell him about us. I didn't tell him because Allie needs you. Both Allie and I love you. And when you love someone you don't destroy their life."

Chloe gasps, "You mean it's over?"

Sister Teresa says, "My child, you need to think about this and pray."

"Oh, right," growls God, "Dump her in my lap."

Suddenly, Sami notices she lost her medal.

Sleazo dangles the medal in Rafe's face and threatens to eliminate members of Sami's family one by one if he doesn't blab.

Rafe chuckles, "If you only knew. She's right under your thumb."

Sleazo drools and contemplates his thumb. Rafe attacks and it's another safehouse donnybrook.

Kayla announces that they have identified the potion Charlotte injected into John, "Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do."

"There is nothing we can do," repeats Brady, "That's exactly what they have carved in stone above the entrance to this hospital."

Flashbacks... flashbacks... flashbacks...

Suddenly, John quivers. Marlena calls, "KAYLA!" Kayla rushes in and barks orders. John goes back to his catatonic state. "Thank God you were here," says Marlena, "I thought he was about to come out of it."

Lucas tiptoes out of Allie's room, "Come on Chloe where are you."

Daniel tells Chloe this is what is best. Chloe asks, "So what do we do now?"

Daniel suggests, "One for the road?"

Oh, yeah. Chloe attacks.

Marlena leans in and takes advantage of John while he's unconscious. More flashbacks...

Suddenly, John's eyes pop open. Marlena gasps, "John, what is it?"

"I-I-I... r-r-remember."

"Whimper."

Rafe and Sleazo continue to fight. Sleazo pins him.

Sami prays and tells God she needs his help. Nicole comes in and watches.

Special Administrative Assistant Wendell Rosensmell

Episode 11,000. I'm all a-tingle.

Chloe is on the phone with her soulless agent talking about an opportunity in Vancouver. She gets another call, and sees that it's Daniel. She flashes back to the booty call at Daniel's apartment and decides not to answer.

Daniel gets Chloe's voicemail and has the same flashback, "So, Daniel, what did you expect?"

Chloe tells her agent she'll call from Vancouver as Luclueless walks in, "What's going on?"

Chloe says, "We're leaving town."

EJ catches Nicole leaving and wants to know where she is going. She says she's off to Chicago for the Youth Center. EJ ain't happy.

Sleazo finds Sami's medal on the floor of the safehouse, "You might as well have left a map."

Sami and Rafe arrive at the convent. Sami bawls. Rafe tells her Hilda would want her to keep it together. Sami realizes Hilda really didn't know her at all. Rafe says Sister Teresa will take care of Sami and starts to leave Sami grabs him and hangs on like a thirsty leech, "Please don't go. Please don't leave me!"

Rafe says, "I have to go... the place is starting to flood."

Brady and John are together at the pub. Brady thinks Dr. Taylor isn't who John thinks she is. He breaks the news, "She hasn't been telling you the truth. The hypnosis was successful."

"Of course it was," says John, "She said I would never be together with Marlena."

Marlena invites Charlotte in. Charlotte fishes through her purse.

The sweet scent of garbage from the dump and eau d'winos breath wafts through the night air as Bo and Hope share a tender moment down at the romantic armpit of Salem known as the docks. Bo grabs her, "So... I see you were able to ditch the old man."

"Oh yeah," says Hope, ", "The old man is clueless."

"No," says Bo, "I'm that old man. I meant the other old man."

Bo tells her she's beautiful but, hey... it's dark. Bo says he's had it with meetings, "I've just sat through three of them. It's like watching a documentary on yarn weaving. Or worse, an episode of DOOL. You know what, Fancy Face? I think I'm going to quit."

Hope asks, "You mean Salem will get a real police commissioner?"

"Not if they offer the job to you," says Bo.

John flips out. He thinks Brady has been spying on him. Brady tells him he has a copy of the video from his session, pulls out his cell phone and shows the scene with John babbling about the love of his life. John gasps, "Why would she keep that from me?" Brady tells John he showed the video to Marlena. You could drive a truck through John's mouth.

Marl and Charl talk. Charlotte lectures Marlena for breaking client-patient confidentiality. Marlena asks, "And what about you withholding information from a patient? How dare you play God with him. That's my job."

Chloe tells Lucas about her audition in Vancouver. She reminds him he wanted her to keep on with her singing. Lucas says, "You're right, but what do I do about my job?"

"McDonald's will survive without you," says Chloe. Luclueless wonders what is really going on. "If I can't be alone with you," says Chloe, "I'm going crazy."

"Instead of to Vancouver?"

Daniel drinks and sulks.

Sami bawlbubbersnivelsobs. Rafe promises to come back. He leaves. Sami prays.

EJ and Nicole argue. He explodes and says she can help wayward teens in Salem. She says she would, but she doesn't know where Sami is. EJ nukes, "We can argue feminist principles all night but you and that baby are going nowhere."

A gal in the audience leans over to her neighbor and whispers, "Just like this plot."

Bo says, "I miss working with you."

"The job really has affected your mind, hasn't it," asks Hope.

"I'd rather be with you," says Bo, "Besides, you smell much better than Special Administrative Assistant Wendell Rosensmell." Hope asks him to think about it a little bit more before he chucks his income into the Salem river along with their ability to pay the mortgage. She suggests a different kind of meeting. Suddenly Bo becomes a meeting maven.

Chloe insists Lucas has to go with her to Vancouver. Lucas agrees, "I'll just set Allie adrift in the Horton canoe and then go pack."

Chloe says, "I want to be with you. Just you." Lucas says he will tie up some loose ends and get ready to go. Chloe finds Allie's blankie and remembers she forgot to take it to Julie.

"You'd better take it," says Lucas, "Julie gets pretty upset when she doesn't have a security blanket."

John wonders why Charlotte would do this, "What was Blondie's reaction?"

"Blondie got furious," says Brady.

"I've never seen her furious," says John.

"You really don't have a memory, do you," asks Brady, "It's something to behold." John thinks something is wrong. He wonders why Charlotte would do this.

Charlotte accuses Marlena of everything but stealing the kitchen sink. Marlena asks if Charlotte thinks she has done something illegal why she didn't go to the police.

"Because the Salem police don't specialize in criminal activities," says Charlotte. She tells Marlena she came directly to her to help her manage the end of her career. Marlena gets a call. John tells her he doesn't want her to deal with Charlotte on her own.

"Too late," says Marlena, "But I can handle it."

EJ. Nicole. Same ole drivel. He offers to drive her to Chicago. Driving Miss Nicky. Nicole decides to cancel the trip. She calls Dr. Baker, "Hello, Mr. Kandowski? I won't be able to make it to Chicago. Bye." Baker wonders what the hell is going on.

EJ ain't happy. He says he won't keep her prisoner. He just wants to go with her.

Chloe meets Daniel at the dock. Too bad Bo and Hope didn't go home for their 'meeting.' Chloe insists she has to go, but Daniel wants to talk and figure out what is going on between them.

"That's simple enough to figure out," says Chloe, "We're behaving like hormone crazed minks."

Sami calls Lucas, "I just had to talk to you. I screwed up again."

Rafe sneaks. Sleazo gets a bead on him.

John says he wants Marlena to get out of there now. Charlotte tells her to hang up and goes bonkers, "You don't remember, do you? I do. Every detail. I'm going to make you pay for all of it."

Chloe and Daniel are in denial over their romp. Chloe can't take it any more, makes like a viewer, and runs off.

Whine-ami tells Lucas about Hilda and says she's at the convent, "Can I talk to Allie?"

"What would make you think Allie is with me," asks Lucas. Sami decides she shouldn't have called him and begs him not to tell Roman about it. She insists she's safe, hangs up and turns the waterworks back on, "What am I gonna do?"

Nicole says she is scared because EJ gave her a direct order and then offered a compromise where he got everything he wanted anyway. EJ tells her he wasn't there when Johnnie was born but doesn't want that for her baby. Nicole says she wants she wants him to be there for the birth, too, but refuses to be on a leash. EJ concedes, "But I want to be there when our baby is born – Non negotiable."

They decide EJ can go to the office and they will pretend this never happened. He walks off to get his things. Nicole calls Baker again. She apologizes for the earlier call. Baker says, "If Mia goes into labor you have to be ready to move or the plan goes up in smoke."

Lucas is on the phone arranging some things for Sami as Chloe returns. She wants to know what's up. Lucas tells her about Hilda's death and Sami's predicament. He decides he can't go to Vancouver. Chloe blows her stack and runs out.

Charlotte hides a hypo behind her back as she and Marlena dance around each other. She pulls the syringe out and Marlena asks what it is. "It's muscle relaxant," sneers Charlotte, "The heart is a muscle." Charlotte rants about how she resents how her father used to praise Marlena while carving out tiny pieces of time for her, "When your heart starts to relax, think about John and me. We'll be together. You'll be dead and will have lost. You'll be in that circle of Hell where they show DOOL 24/7."

Nicole tells EJ she will just turn in early and be her normal upbeat self tomorrow morning. Smoochies and bye-byes. EJ leaves. Nicole calls Mia and tells her to get some sleep and she will call in the morning. Chloe arrives and sobs, "Sami is going after Lucas and he's falling for it!"

Lucas calls Chloe to apologize, but gets voicemail. Daniel shows up at the cabin.

Sister Teresa tries to comfort Screamin' Sami. That, of course, doesn't work. Teresa leaves and Sami kneels to pray.

Rafe sneaks around the safehouse, "I know you're here."

Selazo gets the drop on him, "And I know you're a dead man."

Marlena asks, "So you had an unhappy childhood and I'm to blame?"

"Works for me," says Charlotte.

CATFIGHT!

It's a raucous floor-rollin' hair-pullin' girlie slappin' gen-u-wine me-lee as the girls tumble across the floor taking pets, furniture and other debris with them.

Super Jawn rushes in to save the day. Charlotte leaps to her feet and plunges the syringe into John. "Oooo," says John, "You got any more of that stuff?"

Daniel tells Lucas he's there about Chloe.

Nicole advises Chloe not to get upset when Lucas worries about Sami.

Chloe babbles, rambles and whines, "Ever since Lucas found out she's pregnant..."

Nicole has a cow, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

Sami prays for Rafe.

Sleazo asks for Rafe's gun. Rafe hands it over. He whirls, twirls and tosses Sleazo. It's a raucous floor-rollin' hair-pullin' manly slappin' gen-u-wine me-lee as the boys tumble across the floor taking pets, furniture and other debris with them.

Brady, Bo and Hope drop in from nowhere. Marlena tries mouth to mouth on John as Bo calls an ambulance, without the benefit of hallucinating.

John's eyes roll back into his head, "Uh-oh. You'd better record it, because I think I might miss the inauguration."