The Prank
February 27, 1990, Beverly Hills, California — Bart and Beavis, young late-shift restroom attendants for the posh Beverly Hilton Hotel share a doob in the back alley while on break from their all-too-demanding jobs. Not looking forward to the drudgery of going back to work they continue to toke it up and try to figure out a way to spice up the boring evening ahead of them. Bart giggles, "Hey, man, I got a idea... le'z go-ta the gift shop. Snickersnickersnicker..."
"What," chuckles Beavis, "You gonna buy me a gift?"
"You'll see." Bart's laughter becomes uncontrollable.
"Hey," says Beavis, "Don't 'Bogart' that joint, my friend, pass it over to me."
A few minutes later the two stoners stumble into the gift shop. Ringleader Bart asks the person behind the counter, "Hey, lady, you sell them little sewing kits... the ones with the really tiny needles?"
"We do," says the saleswoman. But she's a little skeptical, "What does a brainless pothead like you need with a sewing kit?"
"My frien' an me had refried beans for lunch and I just ripped one. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha."
"This is the Beverly Hilton," she reminds him, "Things here don't come cheap. Our sewing kits are $25 and I'm guessing you aren't a kid with big money."
"Nope," giggles Bart, "Mine's the same size as everyone else. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha. But I got sumthin' else that's real big if you wanna see..."
"That'll be enough of that," says the saleswoman.
She reluctantly sells him the sewing kit, and Bart turns to Beavis, "Come on, Beaver, let's go."
"Don't call me 'Beaver.'"
"Got it, dipsh*t. If ya wanna have some fun, follow me, pencil d*ck."
Our intrepid Rhodes Scholarship candidates float back to their station in the men's room. Once they're in there and find themselves alone, Bart announces, "It's time to replinish..." He takes a knee and bows his head, "...THE MACHINE." With that, he goes to the supply closet, opens the door and removes a box with giant letters...
"ONE GROSS"
He unlocks and opens THE MACHINE and each lad grabs a few at a time and puts them in. Bart leaves the final small, square, sealed packet in the original large box as they situate the others. When he has finished, he turns to Beavis, "This is where it gets good. Gimme that sewing kit." Beavis obeys. Bart takes the smallest needle from the kit and carefully punches it directly through the center of the final little packet. He smooths over the pinhole so it is undetectable and places the packet right at the bottom of the stack in THE MACHINE, so it will dispense for the first unsuspecting customer who comes along.
It doesn't take long for the boys to bag their prey. A young doctor, attending a medical convention at the Beverly Hilton walks in. The doc has had a few drinks and seems to be in a pretty chipper mood as he approaches THE MACHINE whistling, "My Sharona."
The boys stifle their chuckling as the doctor gets close enough to the stall they are hiding in for them to read his name tag, "DANIEL JONAS, M.D."
The whistling stops as Dapper Dan reads the lettering, "TWO TWENTY-FIVE FOR A CONDOM! HOLY TROJAN! THERE ARE HO's DOWN ON RODEO DRIVE CHEAPER THAN THAT!" He settles down and inserts the money, "Oh, well. This Carly Manning chick is pretty hot and great in bed... at least that's what all the guys say, so I guess it's worth it. And I certainly wouldn't want to have a kid with her or pick up something... to use a medical term... icky." He turns and practically skips out of the room whistling "Louie Louie."
Once the door closes behind Dr. Dan, Bart and Beavis literally tumble out of their stall cackling uncontrollably. Finally, Bart catches his breath long enough to say, "Man, that Dr. Jonas has got to be the unluckiest guy in the world."
"You just have the munchies," says Bart, "and don't Bogart that joint, my friend, pass it over to me."
"Joint," asks a voice, "are you gentlemen smoking marijuana here on hospital grounds?" Roman Brady walks up to them and gives them his best cop stare, "Marijuana is illegal, you know."
"Awwww, maaannnn," says Beavis, "We're on hospital property, so this must be medical marijuana."
"I see," says Roman, "In that case, just make sure you only smoke it on hospital grounds and... I'll check the statute on this, but I believe you must be on duty, too."
"Nah," says Bart, "I know that's not in the statute, but it is a hospital rule."
"Very well, gentlemen," says Roman, "Carry on. I have to go. I believe I see a jaywalker over there and we don't tolerate that kind of despicable behavior in this town."
As Roman walks off, Beavis turns to Bart, "Hey dooooood, He was an awful nice guy. You should have offered him a pull..."
"SHHHHHH! Look!"
Bart points toward the park bench and the pair listen in on Daniel and Carly's conversation...
Carly stammers around. She talks about being with Melanie earlier. Daniel can see it will be a while before she gets to the point, "We don't have to do this here. Lets go someplace where it's warm and comfortable and we can be alone."
"No," says Carly, "We have to do this right here and right now."
Carly sits Daniel down on the Salem Bench and continues to ramble. "Stop beating around the bush," says Daniel, "What are you trying to tell me?"
"I wasn't just trying to protect Melanie," says Carly, "I was also trying to protect... her father."
Daniel asks if Bo is the father. "No," says Carly.
"Who is it," asks Daniel. Carly continues to stammer. Dan digs, "I assume this man is no longer a part of your life."
"He is he's a great friend," says Carly, "And I Hope it stays that way. Daniel... it's you. You're Melanie's father. It's you."
Bart has a cow, "HO-LEEEE SH*T! Did you catch that?"
"I sure did," says Beavis, "That dude said he don' wan' no beatin' around the bush, but it sounds like that's exactly what got him in trouble."
"THAT'S THE GUY," says Bart, "THAT'S THE GUY FROM THAT CONVENTION AT THE BEVERLY HILTON. HE'S THE ONE WHO GOT OUR RIGGED CONDOM. AND HE CALLED THE CHICK THAT NIGHT 'CARLY.' AND THIS CHICK IS NAMED CARLY. AND THEY HAD A KID... AND HE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. DOOOD! WE DID THIS! WE'RE PRACTICALLY GODPARENTS OR SOMETHIN!"
"That's not all, doood," says Beavis, "She called the kid 'Melanie.' You know that chick in 214?"
"The loudmouth?"
"Yeah."
"The one who got shot on her wedding day?"
"Yeah."
"The one who can't stop whining?"
"Yeah."
"The one you can hear screaming down the hall even when her door is closed?"
"Yeah."
"The one so many people want to kill they have to put a guard outside her door?"
"Yeah."
"What about her," asks Bart.
"Her name is Melanie," says Beavis, "And I was right outside her room and heard Carly tell her she is her mother."The two spaced out weedwhiffers stare wide-eyed at each other and then the reality of it hits them. They scream together...
"DOOOOOOD!!!"
"OH MY GOD," gasps Bart, "The poor guy gets the rigged rubber and now he's stuck with that jaw-flappin, whining, irritating Melanie Layton for a daughter! Do you remember what I said about him that night?"
"You said he was the unluckiest guy in the world," says Beavis.
"I didn't know the half of it," says Bart, "I need a hit. So..."
Pass it over to me.
Don't bogart that joint, my friend
Pass it over to me.
Roll another one
Just like the other one.
You've been hanging on to it
And I sure would like a hit.
Don't bogart that joint, my friend
Pass it over to me.
Don't bogart that joint, my friend
Pass it over to me.
Ro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oll another one
Just like the other one.
That one's burnt to the end
So come on and be a friend.
Don't bogart that joint, my friend
Pass it over to me.
Don't bogart that joint, my friend
Pass it over to me.
Have a mellow weekend, gang. But not too mellow.
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