Penis Or Vagina?

Jake's proposal to Ava was the most romantic thing I've seen since I mated Ferdinand and Bosse out in the north pasture. #DAYS

When creepy Greg blew Jake away he really just saved him and Ava of getting married then going through a brutal divorce.

Paulina to Chanel: "What do you prefer, a penis or a vagina?" Well, you can't accuse Paulina of not getting straight to the point. #DAYS

Jake's in a pretty good mood for a guy who just got killed. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Kayla: "Jake didn't make it." Ava: "He's dead? Are you sure?" Kayla: "Of course I'm sure. I'm a doctor." Ava: "Right… but you're a SALEM doctor." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Paulina: "What do you prefer, a penis or a vagina?" Chanel: "Yes." #DAYS

Fully Cocked

Shinn wonders if it bothers Gabi that Ava is with Jake. Gabi shows him how little it matters by rolling around in the hay with him. That's pretty much a non sequitur but it doesn't seem to bother Shinn at all. #DAYS

Kristen: "You're going off half-cocked." No. She's fully-cocked. After all, she just got out of bed with Shinn.

Jake: "Gabi and Stefan would still be together if he wasn't dead." Seriously? This is Salem. Home of relationships that are timed with a stopwatch instead of a calendar. #DAYS

Patch: "A Salem cop needs luck every day of the year." Right. Because with a Salem cop, skill is not an option. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Kristen: "I'm going to stir up the pot around here." Jake: "Just flush it instead." #DAYS

When EJ Was On Top Of Me

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "The thought of you and Jan having a baby together drove me crazy." Shawn: "It would be more accurate to say it drove you to the DiMera mansion." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Shawn: "I made mistakes." Belle: "Originally I wanted to blame you, but I realized I may have made some mistakes, too." Shawn: "When did you realize that?" Belle: When EJ was laying on top of me." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Xander: "All the plans Sarah and I had have gone to hell." Rafe: "Don't worry. You'll be joining them there soon enough." #DAYS

The Black Hole Of Celibacy

Sami holds up a bra: "Who does this belong to?" EJ: "It's mine. I'm transitioning." #DAYS

How is it there seems to be no security system at the DiMera mansion. You'd think there would be a complete record of everyone who was there the night Abby was murdered. Not only that, but what about security systems at the places Lucas was at before the murder? #DAYS

With Allie's boobs flopping out of that dress it's a good thing Will is gay… and her brother. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Kate: "I knew about Lucas kidnapping Sami." Roman: "You need a spanking." Kate: "Oooo… let's head upstairs for that right now." #DAYS

What a day. It seems EJ, Roman, and Lucas have all been sucked back into the black hole of celibacy. #DAYS

Sami's Boobs and Belle's Chastity Belt

Will has Sami's eyes. Allie has Sami's boobs. #DAYS

As Jan struggles to escape she swims in the murky Salem River and discovers on the bottom, caked in mud, rusted, and unused, Belle's chastity belt. #DAYS

Belle wants to know what EJ is drinking. Judging by it's looks, maybe they should check for missing urine samples at Salem Hospital. #DAYS

Kate: "Lucas… say something." "I'm screwed," is about his only option at this point. #DAYS

Belle: "This morning I felt like I'd been flattened by a steamroller." I didn't think EJ was quite that heavy. #DAYS

No Lumi sex tonight. Lucas won't be getting a piece of ass, and Sami won't be getting a piece of an ass, either. #DAYS

Not the best day Lucas has ever had. In a matter of minutes he's gone from the penthouse to the outhouse/ #DAYS

The Sanctity of Marriage

Today is an il-LUMI-nating day for some viewers. #DAYS

Sami and Belle haven't always been on the best of terms but it's nice that as sisters they can share things… you know, like… EJ. #DAYS

Nicole lets Allie have the apartment all to herself. And Allie's rent payment immediately doubles. #DAYS

Eric says he believes in the sanctity of marriage. In Salem the sanctity of marriage means consummating it before starting your next affair. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Eric: "Loving someone means putting their happiness before your own." Roman: "Either that or banging their lights out on the first date." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Allie: "So you finally made it legal." Nicole: No, some of the things Rafe and I do are illegal even when you're married." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Lucas, Eric, EJ, Rafe, and Brady form a basketball team called the Misty Circle Bangers. #DAYS

DOOL Rule

#DOOL Rule: The first person arrested in Salem is never the person who did it. #DAYS

Shawn wants to know if he and Belle have a chance together. That's a decision Belle needs to sleep on. With EJ, of course. #DAYS

EJ: "Are you telling me to stay away from Belle?" Marlena: "Belle is a grown woman." Married woman trumps grown woman. #DAYS

Ciara walks in with Bo. Victor: "I know why you're both here." Is he talking to Ciara and the baby or Ciara's boobs?"

Next on #DOOL — Shawn: "Now that Jan is out of the picture, what does that mean for you and me?" Belle: "Uh… I'll get back with you on that." #DAYS

A Quickie In The Shower

When the show opened I couldn't quite tell what Belle was looking at but I think it was a menu of available guys in Salem.

Evan paces and rants: "I hope Jan doesn't pull a fast one." Jan? Pull a fast one? Perish the thought. #DAYS

Belle reminds EJ he and Abby had an affair. So a quickie in the shower is an affair? #DAYS

Chloe: "So you slept with EJ?" Belle: "With your history you don't have any room to criticize me." Put their histories together and it makes Peyton Place look like a nursery rhyme. #DAYS

Belle's definition of monogamy is when you only have sex with one guy per day. #DAYS

Belle slams Jan with an oar and Jan goes flying. Dang! Yet another coma for Jan. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "When I'm having sex with EJ I fantasize about Shawn and when I'm with Shawn I fantasize about EJ." Chloe: "Who did you fantasize about when you were with Phillip?" Belle: "Anyone with two legs." #DAYS

The Town Pump

Since Ciara is planning to leave Salem for a while, she's wearing that low cut dress to give the guys in the audience something to remember her by. #DAYS

I keep getting the feeling if Ciara had a wardrobe malfunction in that boob-bustin' dress the impact would smash out the glass on my TV screen. I'm now wearing safety goggles just in case. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Salem residents gather for the dedication of the Belle Black Brady Town Pump. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Jan (on phone): "Are you and Orpheus in cahoots?" Evan: "No. we're in prison." #DAYS

A Boob

Nancy says Abby's funeral was a beautiful thing. Any funeral for Abby would be a beautiful thing. #DAYS

In case you're wondering, Ciara wore that ultra low-cut dress to the funeral as a metaphor for the fact that Abigail was a boob. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL - Nancy: "Just because you've done something wrong in the past doesn't mean you'll repeat it." Marlena: "It does if you're Clyde." #DAYS

Jan: "I don't want to go back to prison." Most convicts don't. #DAYS

Apparently, according to Jan, "parenthesis" and "the curvy one" can be used interchangably. #DAYS

How did Jan get Shawn's password?  He probably has it tattooed on his ass.  #DAYS

Marlena: "Ben, you are such a good and kind man." For a serial killer. #DAYS

I'm The Q

You can't blame Sarah for pulling the knife on Chanel. Kristen and Chanel look so much alike. #DAYS

So Lani and Eli are leaving. I can't wait until next year when they return with their teenage children. #DAYS

Lani is leaving. The guys are sure gonna miss her fine ass running around the screen. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Abe: "I'm adopting you." Lani: "Can I have my own room?" Abe: "Yes… in prison." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — "I'll be calling and asking you annoying questions about your love life." Chanel: "Yeah, when it comes to LGBTQ, I'm the Q." #DAYS