Is It Too Late To Cancel Halloween?

Just think, if this episode aired in another Salem in the 18th century, Kayla, Chad, and Stephanie would be tried as witches and burned at the stake. #DAYS

Is it too late to cancel Halloween? Or, better yet, is it too late to cancel this episode? #DAYS

Get A Clue, Guys

They can't fool me. That's not Everett. It's the ghost of Nick Fallon who has returned to help celebrate Halloween. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Li: "I think I'm losing my mind." Marlena: "You'll never lose it if you put an Air-Tag on it." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Li: "I think I'm losing my mind." Marlena: "Do you have any idea what is causing your symptoms?" Li: "Yes… bad writing." #DAYS

Protip for Chad and, in fact all men: When she says she doesn't want to get married that means she wants to get married. Get a clue, guys. #DAYS

Everett: "I got hit by a car. They had to put me in a medically-induced coma to save me." This is putting me into a monotony-induced coma. #DAYS

Shotgun Wedding

Scenes we'd like to see: Marlena is upset with Brady's plans for Kristen so Step-Mommy sends him to his room without dinner and grounds him for a month. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Kayla: "The best thing you can do for Chad and Stephanie's relationship is to butt out." Patch: "The best thing I can do is go get my shotgun and let's have a wedding." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Stephanie: "So you wanted me to move in with you but weren't considering marriage?" Chad: "I didn't want to rush into anything." Stephanie: "You sure wanted to rush into bed." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Stefan: "Brady wants to get his hands on your DiMera shares." Kristen: "I'd rather have him get his hands on something else." #DAYS

Skimpy Nurse's Costume

A witch walks into the pub. Kate is accompanied by two kids in Halloween costumes. #DAYS

Steve: "What are your intentions with Stephanie?" Chad: "To keep banging her until my d*ck wears out." #DAYS

Theresa: "I'm a totally different person now." Yeah – two weeks ago you were Gwen." #DAYS

Chad: "I don't think it's time to get married right now and Stephanie agrees." Steve: "Well, I don't." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Steve: "Did Chad propose to Stephanie?" Kayla: "No. They're still living in sin." Steve: "If I recall correctly, we lived in sin." Kayla: "Only other people's sins count." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Stephanie: "Why don't you like my Halloween costume? Does it somehow remind you of Abby?" Chad: "No. I thought you would be wearing your skimpy nurse's costume instead." #DAYS

An Organized Crime Princess

Ava on the phone turns down the personal chef job in order to go back to being an organized crime princess. #DAYS

Harris to Kate: "Ava and I are just friends." I'm betting they'll get more friendly. #DAYS

Kayla to Tripp: "Rafe isn't optimistic about catching the guy who assaulted you." I'm not optimistic Rafe could catch him if he showed up carrying a sign that said, "I assaulted Tripp." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Dimitri: "What do you think we should do?" Leo: "We've gotta get out of Dodge." Dimitri: "I thought we were in Salem." #DAYS

Conniving Seductress

Maggie: "Once you've seen the dock and the Brady pub and the town square, you've pretty much seen it all in Salem. What about the International Airport?" #DAYS

Gwe-resa doesn't want Alex to have to serve dinner on paper plates so she buys him a set of dishes, then moves in on him like she wants to be the main course. #DAYS

Eric says he's heard you can advertise in newspapers for birth parents. Apparently, the Internet has not yet come to Salem. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Gwe-resa: "I just don't know where I'm going to live. Any ideas?" Alex: "I just bought a new refrigerator… Would you like the cardboard box it came in?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Kayla: "I had a bad day. I was handcuffed to a hospital bed." Patch: "Did you keep the handcuffs?" #DAYS

Alex: "Theresa Donovan, you are many things but a fool is not one of them." Conniving seductress, however, is one of them. #DAYS

Taylor Swift Shampoo

Holly: "Rachael used all of my Taylor Swift shampoo." Who does she think she is, Travis Kelce? #DAYS

Kayla: "I am swamped." Yet, she has time to stand there and bicker with Jada and Rafe. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Leo: "Let's sail off into the sunset." Dimitri: "When morning comes, do we turn around?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Roman: "You will work here as the Aftermath Maintenance Manager." Tate: "I'm not very good at math – before or after." #DAYS

Sprinkles

Leo: "I brought your favorite treat. It has je ne sais quoi." Dimitri: "I hope that's French for 'sprinkles.'" #DAYS

Marlena to Paulina: "I think you could use some therapy yourself." That expensive practice marketing seminar Marlena attended is starting to pay off.

Next on #DOOL — Kate: "What's wrong?" Jada: "My sister Talia is leaving town." Kate: "So why are you sad?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — EJ: "You are, after all, my nephew." Dimitri: "Doesm't that make you my rich uncle?" #DAYS

Her Sweet Bits

Today's episode opens with Shawn's resignation letter from the Salem Police Department. It appears to be clear, concise, and well-crafted. It was no doubt written by an artificial intelligence program because Shawn's level of intelligence is way more artificial than any computer. #DAYS

Clyde (on phone): "Why don't you mosey on down to Statesville?" What Ava should have said: "Why don't you mosey on down to hell?" #DAYS

Chad: "So Susan is alive." EJ: "Like the king himself the rumors of her death were greatly exaggerated." That wasn't a king. It was Mark Twain. #DAYS

Harris to Rafe: "Do you know Kate?" Yes he does. Every square inch. #DAYS

Jada to Talia: "Belle has no right to be cruel to you." Yeah, she does. Or was it not cruel of Talia to bag Belle's husband? #DAYS

Jada: "Shawn and Talia's relationship will never go anywhere. What they had was just a one-night-stand." Rafe: "But isn't that how we got started?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Marlena: "Shawn had an affair with Talia." Kate: "So when Shawn said he sampled her sweet bits he was referring to something other than the bakery?" #DAYS

Horsing Around

Ava and Harris kiss. Ava: "What the hell are we doing?" I believe in some circles it's called foreplay. #DAYS

Harris and Ava decide to cool it even though their feelings are more than platonic. Oh, go ahead, guys. Even Plato got horny once in a while. #DAYS

Chad looks at Abby's picture: "Happy birthday, my love. You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. Stephanie does have a better ass, though. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Xander: "Chloe and I are through. She's moving back to New York with Phillip." Sarah: "Wow. That woman goes through guys faster than a hockey team changing on the fly." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Stephanie: "You pulled away from me. What's wrong." Chad: "It's Abigail's birthday." Stephanie: "Didn't you say Abigail liked horses?" Chad: "She loved horses." Stephanie: "So why don't we celebrate by horsing around?" #DAYS

An Affair With Your Boss

Eric to Sloan: "Before you know it we'll be an old married couple with a kid." The way things go on this show in six months the kid will be a troubled teen. #DAYS

Harris: "I'm never gonna get the Brady family tree straight." College calculus was second grade math compared to figuring out the Brady family tree. #DAYS

Kate: "You could apply for a job at the Salem Police Department." Harris: "But I just got out of a mental institution." Kate: "That proves you're qualified." #DAYS

Kate: "Jada is the only competent detective on the Salem Police Force." Does competence include having enough sense not to have an affair with your boss? #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Sarah: "You're alive." Susan: "Well it's been all over town… where have you been?" Sarah: "I've been out of touch. I have an infant." Sarah: "So you're back with Xander?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Ava: "I've been known to get involved with a guy then do something stupid." Harris: "I've done the same thing." Ava: "You've gotten involved with a guy and done something stupid?" #DAYS

Her Supple Ass

The opening headline says the fact Alex turns out to be Victor's long lost son is a "shocker." It might be a shocker in any other place but in Salem is kind of nonsense happens every day. #DAYS

Phillip and Chloe will be a lot safer in New York. As opposed to the practices in Salem, people in NY actually use birth control. #DAYS

Belle and Shawn should get back together and have an open marriage. I mean, with all their hanky-panky they've pretty much had one so they might as well make it official. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Marlena: "You and Chloe had a special relationship." Brady: "I'm going to miss her… supple ass." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "Why are you leaving without me?" Shawn: "So many women… so little time." #DAYS

She's the Dessert

Looks like Tater Tot has become a whole bushel of Jumbo Idaho Super spuds. #DAYS

Bonnie: "Someone needs to make a family tree." A Salem family tree would be a weed-covered forest full of creeping vines and poison plants. #DAYS

Theresa tells Alex she's free for dinner. Sounds like she's the dessert. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Alex: "You're back. How's Tate?" Theresa: "He's still recovering from his SORASing." #DAYS

Fluffers Never Get Screwed

Gabi to Vivian: "What are you doing here? I was about to change clothes." Guys in the audience: "Go right ahead!" #DAYS

Leo: "Who do you have to screw around here to get a pillow fluffed?" The fluffer? No, fluffers never get screwed. #DAYS

In today's episode the role of Lorena Bobbit will be played by Gwen Rizczech. #DAYS

Leo to Gwen: "You are a kind and decent person." I think what he meant to say was "you are kind of an indecent person." #DAYS

Maggie… What part of "controlling interest" confuses you? #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Maggie: "When did you become so callous as to get rid of me?" Alex: "I learned how to do that when you were so callous as to get rid of me." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Gwen: "I've always been good at thinking on my feet." Kristen: "I don't see how you fit that in given the amount of time you spend on your back." #DAYS

Tom, Dick, and Katie

When "Gwen" replaces "Theresa" will Theresa have a British accent? #DAYS

Sarah: "What's wrong?" Kate: "You've put a target directly on my son's back." What's wrong is the Kiriakis Mansion has no security and any Tom, Dick, and Katie can just stroll in making accusations. #DAYS

It's a biological fact if you cut a leg off of a starfish it can generate a new one… Just like Phillip. #DAYS

EJ suddenly realizes he needs to press the "delete button" on the hit he has out on Xander. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Chloe to Phillip: "I-just-broke-up-with-Xander-do-you-want-to-hook-up-with-me-in-New-York?" #DAYS

BULLETIN: Due to the number of people who have come back from the dead in Salem, the earth's population is now double what it should be. #DAYS

FOCUS!

Ava: "Susan, FOCUS! Susan: "Both you and Harris? You want a three-way?" Ava: "I said 'focus' not 'f*ck us.'" #DAYS

EJ puts out a hit on Xander. At least that will solve both Chloe and Sarah's problems. #DAYS

Harris broke that chain with his bare hands proving the old adage is true: a chain is only as strong as its weakest cardboard link. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Chloe: "I don't want to be with you any more." Xander: "You don't still love me?" Chloe: "It's not that. I just have to move on to a new guy about every six weeks." #DAYS

Belle's Turn

Rafe: "How did you get my room key?" Tripp: "I told the front desk I was your son and they gave me the key." Rafe: "So much for security." The guy at the front desk is probably a former Salem cop. #DAYS

Shawn messed up but the reason he is an alcoholic is that he takes a drink every time Belle has an affair. #DAYS

Look at the bright side, Belle. Now it's your turn to go out and shag someone. #DAYS

A Female Hippo

Belle to Shawn (on phone): "I didn't want you to think I called to check up on you." Actually the gist of the whole conversation was she had called to check up on him. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Marlena to Talia: "I have professional boundaries." Having them only means she recognizes when she is crossing them. #DAYS

Being #DOOL, it's surprising Talia didn't drop the name of the married man she slept with just as Belle opened the door. #DAYS

Talia breaks the rules and spills the beans about Dimitri's condition to Leo. At Salem Hospital they think HIPPA is just the word for a female HIPPO. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Gwen: "Dimitri screwed you and then he screwed me." Leo: "By 'screwed' do you mean 'betrayed' or do you mean…" Gwen: "Both." #DAYS