Only When I Get Horny

Jan to Belle: "Why would I try to pull you and Shawn apart when you're doing such a good job of it yourself?" She has a point. #DAYS

Johnny to Chanel: "Let's get married tonight." Note to Chanel: The intelligent answer is, "Let's wait a while and see how things work out." #DAYS

Belle to Jan: "Your baby will be a teenager by the time you get out of prison." About three or four years if they SORAS the prison sentence along with the baby. #DAYS

If Clyde drank that whole bottle of scotch during the time he was in the DiMera mansion, he'd be in Salem Hospital feeling no pain and being treated for alcohol poisoning. #DAYS

Sonny to Xander: "Sarah must hate your guts right now." Not totally true. Sarah is so mad she hates all of him. #DAYS

Belle is she threets to the wind. #DAYS

Nancy: "Ben could have been a model or a movie star." Or a serial killer. #DAYS

Johnny: "Let's get married." Chanel: "We can't. Things are different." Johnny: "Like what?" Chanel: "Like… now I would like you better if you were a female." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Holly: "Are you getting back together with Mommy." Eric: "No. I'm a priest." Holly: "You've quit being a priest before. Why don't you quit again?" Eric: "I only quit when I get horny." #DAYS

I Didn't Let Him Into The Vestibule

EJ: "I haven't always been the best father to you, Giovanni." Especially when you were dead. #DAYS

Jan to Shawn: "Just because you and a lot of other people think I'm a lunatic you won't let me babysit Bo. It's really hurtful." But true. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "How did you and Chad put your divisions aside?" EJ: "I beat the crap out of him." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Gabi: "They're calling a special meeting to oust me as president of DiMera Enterprises. I'm going to get screwed." Jake: "I hope you don't mean at the meeting." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Chanel: "Tripp and I got close while you were possessed. Johnny: "How close?" Chanel: "Let's put it this way… he knocked at the door and I opened it but I didn't let him into the vestibule." #DAYS

Mickey Croaked

Someone just needs to blurt out to Sarah, in the most tender and understanding manner, "MICKEY CROAKED!" #DAYS

If my TV picture was out I wouldn't be able to tell if Paulina was eating that chocolate croissant or having sex. #DAYS

Rafe gets irritated with Xander because he's using the wrong tone with his girlfriend. Will Smith: "Slap the guy, Rafe!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Why does this keep running through my mind?

♫♪ Hey Mickey you're so dead
You're as dead you mess my head
Hey, Mickey
Hey, Mickey ♫♪

#DAYS 

Blind, Stupid, And Probably Gay

TR to Lani: "You are my blood." Which, by the way, is leaking all over the room. #DAYS

Protip: NEVER sign a "waiver to counsel." #DAYS

Lani: "Why don't you focus on getting out of this hospital bed and back into ours?" Damn! If that doesn't get Eli out of the hospital he's blind, stupid, and probably gay. #DAYS

Even Rafe, with the IQ of a potato, can see Paulina's story doesn't add up. #DAYS

Xander concocts a whopper for Sarah.

Rafe: "I know. Eric is part of your past. I have a past, too." Nicole: "Most of us have a past." True, but most of us weren't a porn star named Misty Circle. #DAYS

I wrote this episode of #DOOL. And that was almost as big a lie as we're getting from either Paulina or Xander today. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Nicole: "I have been waiting all night to make love to you…" She looks up to see it's not Rafe. Eric: "I'm afraid you'll have to wait a little longer." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Abe: "How's trip." Patch: "Physically he's OK, but having to replace the stained glass window he jumped through is going to destroy him financially." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Rafe: "That was sure some hug you gave Eric." Nicole: "It was totally Platonic." Rafe: "Even Plato got horny once in a while." #DAYS

Was She On Top Or On Bottom?

Since Tripp's back from the dead, maybe he and Allie can get back together. Since they were both possessed you could say it would be a hell of a relationship.

Jake: "Gabi doesn't have her hooks in me. She presented me with a very good offer." Ava: "So when she presented that offer was she on top or on bottom?" Ava doesn't pull any punches, does she? #DAYS

Aw, man, Tripp busts through the same window they had to repair after Shawn jumped his motorcycle through it. #DAYS

Ava heads for the hospital. Jake heads for a cold shower. #DAYS

Allie: "Did I hurt Tripp?" Yes, when you cheated on him with Chanel. #DAYS

Ava begs Kayla to defib Tripp one more time. Kayla refuses. I mean, even if he's dead what would one more zap hurt? Is the electricity for doing it that expensive? #DAYS

Ava's son is dead. He Tripped the bucket. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Ava: "How come my son went through the window?" Kayla: "He Tripped." #DAYS

As Loose As Any Woman In Salem

Chanel: "Did Mama really shoot TR dead?" Lani: "Absolutely… If you happen to be Jules and Carver." #DAYS (CHECK NAMES OF LANI'S KIDS. I'M NOT SURE)

Ciara to Evan: "Ben has changed and you haven't." Only because Ben is on enough meds to qualify as a member of big Pharma. #DAYS

Ciara with the power of God vs. Allie with the power of Satan. I knew how that would turn out. I read about it in the Bible in Paul's letter to the Salemites. #DAYS

Shawn to his nephew: "You're going to be the first kid in history to be taught to ride a motorcycle by his mom." If he gets really good maybe someday he'll ride it through a church window like his uncle. #DAYS

Satan jumps from Allie's body to Tripp. At least now Johnny and Allie can go back to being Salem's answer to the Bobbsy Twins. #DAYS

BO MAKES AN APPEARANCE!!!

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "Jan Spears is now with Shawn." That maniac is now living in my home." Eric: "Where else would Shawn be living?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Belle: "Jan's ankle monitor went off. I wonder if she's loose." Eric: "No doubt about it. Jan's as loose as any woman in Salem." #DAYS

Rizczech Goes 2 for 3

Ava offers to help Gwen. Jack offers to help Gwen. Gwen and Xander break up. Rizczech goes 2 for 3. Viewers sit through Gwen's tear-jerking goodbye. The viewers got 0 for 1. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Xander and Sarah go at it in her hospital bed. Sarah reverts to her five-year-old self. Xander is arrested as a child predator. #DAYS

Homer Shlabotnik, the Salem Mayor who died in office in 1869, had been certified as being the only Salem resident never to come back from the dead. #DAYS

A Laconic Angst-Filled Teen-Ager

Leo is making a list, checking it twice, already knows who's naughty and nice. #DAYS

Sara goes from being an animated five year old to staring into space saying nothing. Maybe she's matured into a laconic, angst-filled teenager. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Gwen: "I told Abigail I killed her grandmother on purpose." Leo: "Did you?" Gwen: "No I killed her on the third floor." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Victor: "Leo Stark is just the kind of trouble we don't need." Sonny: "What kind of trouble do we need?" #DAYS

Groucho and Harpo

If you grow up in Salem and weren't kidnapped as a baby, you're just nobody. It also serves as valuable training for when you get kidnapped as an adult. #DAYS

Lani might be able to help Abe more if instead of yelling, "Dad, can you hear me," she dials 911. #DAYS

Seth: "Marlena's possession is so yesterday." Fear not, we'll still see it in flashbacks. #DAYS

Paulina: "I shot TR." Question 1 for the cops: "Let's see the gun you used." #DAYS

The cops arrive. Just wondering, are their names Groucho and Harpo?" #DAYS

Salem: Where lies are truth and truth is lies and no one ever, ever dies. #DAYS

Lani: "TR is dead." Paulina: "Well that ruins my plans for the weekend with him." #DAYS

Six Months of Action

Eli wakes up. Ciara has her baby. TR asks Paulina to marry him. Abe realizes he wants Paulina. They figure out where Ciara is. Ben to the rescue. Satan kidnaps Ciara's baby. Eli remembers TR shot him. Do you realize we saw six months of action in one episode? #DAYS

Allie goes into labor: "I want Ben for this! I want Ben!" You wouldn't be in this condition if Ben hadn't already done his part. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Tripp (on phone): "Eli just woke up. We think he'll make a complete recovery.," TR: "Any chance that's reversible?" #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Julie: "Paulina loves you fiercely." Abe: "Well, she does like it a little rough." #DAYS

A Psycho Connection

Those two birds on top of Susan's head look kind of sickly. #DAYS

Sigh… If I lived on the east coast, this episode would be over by now. #DAYS

Ciara: "Ben and I have a psychic connection." If you ask me it's a psycho connection." #DAYS

Someone should make a plaster cast of Lani's ass and send it to the Smithsonian. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Abe: "There seem to be one too many people here in Eli's room right now." T.R.: "You're free to leave any time you want." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Abe: "Men like TR rarely change." Lani: "Rarely is not never. What if TR is the exception?" Abe: "What if he isn't?" Lani: "You're not being helpful." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Ben: "Tell me where you are." Ciara: "I'm right here, baby." Ben: "No, I meant give me your GPS coordinates." #DAYS

A Human Colostomy Bag

If Leo was any more full of sh*t he'd be a human colostomy bag. #DAYS

Nancy: "This is Clyde Weston, and we are about to go on our first date." Chloe: "Over my dead body." Careful, Chloe, Clyde might just take you up on that. #DAYS

Abby: "Did you or did you not murder my grandmother?" Gwen: "Are you or are you not wearing a wire?" #DAYS

Face it, Chloe just doesn't seem to care for her parents' dating choices. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Leo: "I'm sorry I seduced you and tried to marry you for your money. I'm sorry for so many things." Craig: "I get it. You're about as sorry as anyone can get." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Chloe: "What the hell are you doing with Clyde Weston?" Nancy: "Nothing yet. But stick around. I'm hoping that will change." #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Chloe: "Let me remind you Clyde just got out of prison." Nancy: "That's OK. Bad boys are more fun." #DAYS

Two Guys And A Horse Walk Into A Bar...

Nancy shows up to comfort Craig over his loss of Leo the Lyin' #DAYS

Jennifer to Abby: "You're scasring me." It's Abby. She scares a lot of people. #DAYS

Next on #DOOL — Xander: "I want the antidote." Gwen: "Sure. Two guys and a horse walk into a bar…" Xander: "I said 'antidote,' not 'anecdote.'" #DAYS

Virtue Is Its Own Punishment

All the guys in the audience are thrilled Allie is wearing that dress again today. Apparently they like the colors. #DAYS

Kayla lost her job. Steve gets the cold shoulder and most likely the cold bed. That's the way it works sometimes. #DAYS

Kayla: "I did the right thing and now I'm being punished for it." You know what they say: virtue is its own punishment. #DAYS

Possessed Johnny dumps Chanel; Satan makes Jan look like Belle to have sex with Shawn. The men of Salem are beginning to get the idea that he women of Salem don't buy "The Devil made me do it" as an excuse. #DAYS