Husband Du Jour

We open today's adventure at the sarcophagus. Take a good look at it... this story is coming to an end and it may be the last chance you get to see this well-warn prop. And be thankful you don't have smellevision. Victor caresses Maggie's cheek and pours his heart out to her, telling her she'll be fine. Maggie whispers, "Victor, I thought I heard you say..."

Victor interrupts, "I love you... you did. And I do... advice from the Guy Manual be damned."

Maggie swoons again. Victor screams, Maggie! Maggie... no!" Vivian cackles like the Wicked Witch of the West. Apologies to the Wicked Witch of the West for the comparison.

Hope is in the infirmary. Leigh comes in and introduces Pam, who has a cut tendon and needs surgery. She had a disagreement in the kitchen, "I told her this ain't Top Chef." Hope determines Pam has no family outside and tells her that might be a problem, "Do not sign the consent form. If you stay here, you're risking your life,"

"I know," says Pam, "I've seen the food in the kitchen. It comes from a place called the Brady Pub."

Sami and Rafe do the "with this ring, I thee wed" part and instead of wrapping up this odyssey of a wedding, Rafe says he has a present for her.

We revisit the same rage-filled display we saw from EJ yesterday. He finds out about the wedding and smashes a glass against the wall, "SON OF A B*ITCH!" Yes, I think he got the "B-Word" out. Nicole tells him to calm down and reminds him he has won. "You're right. She won't see her children again," says EJ, "I'll make sure of that."

Victor encourages Maggie not to give up. Brady goes to call 911. Fortunately he has it on speed dial.

Rafe has given Sami a Christmas tree ornament. Well, there won't be a virgin birth in this union, so they might as well celebrate another one.

A dark figure stalks and watches from the woods.

Pam nearly panics. Leigh watches and Hope backpedals and tells Pam to do as she said. Pam goes to Leigh and insists they go to Salem Hospital. The warden walks in and Leigh tells her what's going on. The warden tells her about the outbreak of Dungcootie Fever. Hope asks who is infected and the warden just happens to know. She tells her it's Nathan and Melanie. Hope says, "Nathan is my cousin."

"Was your cousin," says the warden.

They arrest Vivian, who says she won't talk until she sees her lawyer. "Thank the dear Lord," says the cop. They wheel Maggie out.

The minister starts the "cord ceremony." Carolyn reads from Ecclesiastes about the meaning of three cords. The whole family weaves a cord. A distraught viewer who can't believe how long this is dragging on grabs it and tries to hang herself with it. The mysterious figure continues to watch.

Nicole assures EJ Sami's marriages never last more than six months. EJ says he hopes this one sicks so she has to spend her life with "that idiot." Nicole offers to do anything for the kids. EJ says there is something she can do.

Jennifer is at the hospital. She apologizes to Dr. Walters as they wheel Maggie in. Jennifer says she will be right with her all the way. They wheel Maggie off. Jen stays. So much for her being with Maggie all the way.

Brady is in with Vivian and a cop telling the story. Vivian rolls her eyes. The cop says, "This is the craziest story I've ever heard."

"You don't watch DOOL, do you," asks Brady.

The minister gives an endless prayer to top off the endless wedding, and then finally ends things and pronounces them husband and wife. "Well, Mrs. Hernandez, how does it feel," asks Rafe.

"Like anything is possible," says Sami. They see a shooting star. With any luck it's an asteroid that's about to hit and put us all out of our misery.

The warden returns and tells Hope Nathan and Melanie are in quarantine. It's all toucyh-feely lovey-dovey between Hope and the warden at the moment.

The cop gets a call and leaves. Brady stares daggers as Vivian launches her wrath on him. Brady backs her off and warns her that he will protect Victor. He tells her to back off, "Do you hear what I'm saying to you, old woman?"

Vivian says, "I'm sorry but if this old woman is taking a rap, everyone's going down with me!"

Victor tells Jen there has been an incident, but is vague about the details. Ben comes back and says Maggie is doing well. Jennifer goes in to see her.

Back in the woods, we all bask in the beauty of the never-ending ceremony. The guests head for the pub as Sami tries to be hopeful. She rambles on as EJ and Nicole approach, EJ is ominous, "Your time is up, Rafe."

Brady and Vivian keep it up. Brady says he'll own up to everything, but doesn't want her implicating Victor or Phillip. Vivian says all she wants is revenge, "I could put that aside under the proper circumstances, however."

Victor comes in to see Maggie. Mags says she didn't think she would make it, "I have to ask... is it true that you put Vivian in the sarcophagus?"

Hope does paperwork as Pam rests behind her. She notices Pam is to be cremated, "We have to get you out of here."

Sami suggests Rafe hold the kids along with Nicole while she talks with EJ. EJ says his people watch her all the time, "I have some very nice videos taken through your bedroom window, in fact." She begs for more time, but cold-hearted EJ denies the request.

Victor tells Maggie the sarcophagus was all Vivian's doing. Maggie asks about Victor's role in all this. He admits he had a role in it and Maggie lectures. Victor insists he was just giving Vivian a taste of her own medicine. "You should have gone to the authorities," Says Maggie.

"That would have been the intelligent thing to do," says Victor. Maggie says what he did scares her to death.

Hope tires to wake Pam. No can do. She looks at her file and finds out she's been sedated. Hope then takes a paper clip and gets into the oh-so-secure file and digs out a cell phone.

EJ and Sami argue about all the baggage we all already know about. Sami compares her mothering skills favorably to Nicole's. He reminds Sami a child never died on Nicole's watch. THAT DOES IT! Sami 'splodes, "You bastard!"

EJ accuses her of never putting her children first, "So I'm taking my children away from the narcissistic, promiscuous, irresponsible mother."

Vivian wants to make a deal: in exchange for her silence, all the charges against her will be dropped, "It's Maggie's word against mine. Due to the fumes for all she knows she was kidnapped by Liza Minnelli." She tells Brady he can still be a hero by taking her offer. Brady can't guarantee Victor will buy it.

Victor doesn't apologize, but he sure can rationalize, "I meant what I said when I said it."

"About loving me," asks Maggie.

"No," says Victor, "About how bad the sarcophagus smelled when I opened it."

The warden walks in and finds Hope on the cell phone. She grabs it from her.

EJ says, "If you don't accept my deal you, Will and your husband-du-jour will go to prison." Rafe asks for the original deal... having the kids for a few more hours and then turning them over.

"I taught advanced algebra from the ages of 25 - 30, then was fired for no apparent reason. What a waste of 7 years" -Rafe Hernandez

EJ grabs Johnny and tells him he and Sydney will be living with him. Johnny don' wanna.

EJ lays a sales pitch on reluctant Johnny, "We will be together for all the Days Of Our Lives." He picks up Johnny and has Nicole grab Sydney. Sami refuses. Sami begs. Sami rips her heart out and gives Nicole that instead.

The cop comes back with typed statements. Brady reads and refuses to sign.

Maggie asks Victor to go. Victor gets up and shuffles out with his tail between his legs. Maggie bawls.

Jennifer yells for Hope. The warden asks what Hope was doing. She says she called about her cousin. The warden says she broke the rules. Hope promises it won't happen again. The warden revokes all of Hope's privileges and tosses her in solitary.

Sami blubbers. Nicole reminds her she gave her a chance. EJ presses and threatens. Sami sobs and hands Sydney over. Nicole takes her as Sami falls into Rafe's arms.

EJ tells Johnny his mom is crying because she is so happy that she married Rafe, "He means more to her than anything." Sami says it's not true, but tells Johnny they're going to have a grownup party at the pub. In spite of the fact it's only for grownups, Rafe and her are going. Johnny agrees to go to EJ's house to avoid the party. Heartless EJ yanks him away from Sami, who manages a smile as they walk off.

Sami collapses into a heap o' tears. Then, suddenly, she reconsiders the situation, "Actually, this isn't so bad. Who would have thought we'd be able to get a babysitter for our wedding night on such short notice?"


Previews
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Carly tells Bo, "If this virus spreads, it could be a disaster."

Rafe tells Sami, "He's not gettin' away with this."

EJ toasts, "To Samantha and the wedding you will never forget."

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