Buried Alive

Twice this week I didn't get a satellite feed. It gave me a lot of time to think and with me it takes a lot of time. So today I'm just kind of mulling things over in my mind. It's a process very similar to turning over the manure in a compost pile.

We snark about DOOL for having a buried-alive fetish and that started me to trying to remember all the buried-alive plots. Well, fact is, there are precious few, unless you expand your definition of being buried alive. If we do that, then we get a cornucopia of "buried-alive" goodness.

Here's what I came up with. It's off the top of my head, a place I don't often visit, so feel free to expand on the list:

True Buried Alive Episodes

The classic buried-alive plot on DOOL (and, in fact, in all of soap-operadom) is Vivian burying Carly alive. I don't remember much about it. Somehow Vivian was married to Victor, who left her for Kate, so Vivian buried Carly alive. Makes sense.

Then about three years ago, Andre buried Roman alive to make Sami choose between Lucas and EJ. He told Sami she would never see Roman again unless she made that choice, and the way she had to make it was to shoot and kill the guy she didn't want. Makes sense. In true DOOL fashion, Sami chose Lucas, pointed the gun at EJ and practically blew Lucas into the next county. What is it about Salem women that they have the marksmanship skills of Mr. Magoo firing off rounds while riding a jackhammer?

And now, we've got the Vivian Alamain buried-alive plot redux, only this time with a twist. Vivian was planning to bury Maggie for making eyes at Victor, but instead Brady pulled a switcheroo and sarcophagized Vivian. In the process we've learned Vivian made room for Maggie in the crypt by displacing Isabella to the pet cemetery and, horror of horrors, we also learned of the death of poor Pookie the long-haired Chihuahua. I must say, drunk Brady is carrying the show right now. Just my opinion.

The final true buried-alive episode is one we've all forgotten and it doesn't quite fit the mold, but I'm going to throw it in here anyway. A few years ago Max and Mimi were trapped in a barn for whatever reason and during their own form of entombment, they scratched around looking for a way out and unearthed the body of a Civil War soldier, Lt. Dan. He had died a slow and horrible death after being walled in the foundation of the barn. I don't really remember what happened to Lt. Dan, but I do recall Max was adept at stuffing bodies into water heaters so maybe old Dan is a part of someone's plumbing somewhere these days.

And that's it for the people on DOOL who someone actually buried-alive. If I have forgotten anything, please feel free to expand on the list.

But if we get creative, we can dig up (pun intended) several cases where people were almost buried-alive. So here goes...

Faux Buried Alive Episodes

For several months Stefano DiMera kept Lexie "buried" in a tunnel under the DiMera mansion. In fact, if I recall correctly, the tunnel ran between the DiMera mansion and Doug's Place. Apparently that was so Stefano could get into Doug's Place without paying a cover charge. Eventually that tunnel was filled in with concrete. It's my speculation that's why they've never been able to find Tek Kramer (or, for that matter, Jimmy Hoffa). I also figure the fact Tek was down there with her was the reason Lexie never cared if she ever got out.

Although he was never buried, at one point Stefano woke up at his funeral in his coffin. I really don't know if this should be classified as a buried-alive or a coming-back-from-the-dead episode.

If I recall correctly, they were just about to bury Benji who was still alive, but Stefano stopped the burial at the last minute only to find out the Benjiroo had died. What a great waste of a potential buried-alive plot.

Back in April of 2007, the insipid little brat Chelsea Brady got trapped in a sewer in the bowels of Salem. Just how it happened was... let's put it this way, most people have sense enough not to walk over an open manhole cover, but not Bratula. Hated by everyone in town, Chelsea would hardly have been missed. No one had more reason to hate her than Bo because Chelsea had practically killed herself (by electrocution, you might recall) trying to break up his marriage with Hope, in order to get him back with Chelsea's mother Billie. Nonetheless, Bo and Shawn risked their lives to go down into the sewer and save the big rat Chelsea from all the other little rats scurrying around down there. They got her out in the nick of time, which was either just before the sewer blew, or the effects of Bo and Shawn's refried bean dinner kicked in.

Back in the day, Patch died and was buried and since he's still with us he must've been buried-alive. Either that or Stefano absconded with his coffin before the actual burial.

And remember the Salem Serial Killer? "Which one," you may ask. The slasher, who killed half the town... Roman, Marlena, Bo, Maggie, Jugs and Doolie... Didn't he even kill Alice with her own donuts? I think it was the first death-by-donuts scene in the history of TV. Well, everyone of them was buried before being carted off alive and well to Melaswen. How'd the evil DiMera empire pull that one off?

At one point long ago Hope and Jude-the-Dude were trapped when an avalanche buried their cabin. Wish they were still there. Although I guess it's enough of a consolation to have Hope in prison.

I vaguely recall Marlena being trapped in some cellar. Don't remember much about the story except she was wearing a white blouse that somehow managed to stay squeaky clean throughout the entire ordeal.

Then there was nutcase Meredith. I know she tried to wall Rafe into a basement, but I don't think she quite finished the job.

I think John at one point was trapped in the tunnels of Paris until Stefano's goons brought him out and nearly guillotined him. In the end they didn't behead him because they asked themselves the question, "John with a head... John without a head... what's the difference?"

It was only a little over a year ago that Brady and Melanie were trapped in the Kiriakis crypt. Details aren't important, but this event was significant because the pair were trying in vain to use a cell phone to contact the outside world. It wasn't working, so Brady came up with one of his classic lines of all time when he told Melanie, "For better phone reception, remove your bra." Makes sense.

We all remember Stephanie's recent scrape with being buried-alive when Owen, the part-time Kiriakis gardener and full-time wackadoodle, had a crush on her so he buried her alive in one of the Salem morgue drawers. Phillip broke into the morgue, buried himself alive in an adjoining drawer and somehow orchestrated Stephanie's release. The moral of this story is, if you have an obsessive crush on a gal, bury her alive to win her affections.

Finally, in one of the classic almost-buried-alive episodes of all time, Bo and Billie Reed were "buried" in a gas-filled pit. The gas drove Bo so crazy he had sex with Billie down there — come on, crazy or not, what else is there to do in a gas-filled pit? But that's really not a big deal. This was just your standard almost-buried-alive plot until Bo's wife Hope discovered them. She, of course found out they had done the BoBillieBoink and things looked pretty bad for Bo, who had once again been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Among other places. But in one of the most significant reversals of all time, Bo told Hope he was so overcome by the gas, he thought Billie was Hope. Yes, he used the "I thought it was you" defense and HOPE BOUGHT IT! This little episode changed the fortunes of philandering men everywhere. It was next used by Jack when he "accidentally" hammered the evil Madison and JENNIFER BOUGHT IT! The "I thought it was you" defense has now become a standard and has prompted the publication of "The Guy Manual - I Thought It Was You Edition."

I'm sure I've missed oodles of examples, so feel free to add your own. In the meantime, have a great weekend and don't bury anyone alive.*

*DOOL writers excluded.

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