Mean-Spirited And Inappropriate

Rafe and Sami cuddle in bed and talk about the kids, trying to remember their names.

EJ is on the phone making sure Anna has packed everything Sydney needs, "Now that Samantha is no longer with Mr. Hernandez, we have arrived at the end game. Samantha will be left wondering what the hell is going on."

Chloe arrives at the Kiriakis mansion and finds Brady and Arianna. Arianna asks for a minute alone with her. Brady leaves and goes upstairs with a tray of food for the bride. Arianna immediately asks Chloe about the pregnancy test.

Phillip and Victor wonder where Vivian is.

Carly wields wrench-o-saurus as Vivian shows her a picture of Melanie on her phone.

Stephanie weaves a tale about the note she didn't deliver to Nathan. Melanie decides to forge ahead with the wedding. She sends Stephanie away and collapses on the bed in an unconscious heap. The audience applauds.

Vivian tells Carly she gave Melanie something old, "A comb with poison teeth."

Back in the bedroom, Melanie is a vegetable. Unfortunately, that lowers the IQ of vegetables everywhere.

Chloe swears Arianna to secrecy and tells her the good news. Arianna leaves as Lucas comes down with Allie. Allie runs up and hugs Chloe as Lucas stews.

Rafe promises they will never be apart, "We're just two people who have big fights and when we do, we have to realize it's not the end of the world. Sami backs off on things she said. "I should have checked my ego at the door," says Rafe, "along with my personality." He AGAIN assures her they will get Sydney back and have the perfect life, with Sydney where she belongs — at a babysitter.

Sami is, however, still distraught that Sydney is missing, "I feel helpless. The only thing we could do was to have monkey sex."

"Right," says Rafe, "It really helped the situation. We should do it more often. Maybe we could even arrange to have Will, Johnny and Allie kidnapped, too."

EJ looks at his computer and vows to take Sydney off to a deserted island where Sami can't find her. He looks for an appropriate tropical isle online, "Hmmm... perhaps the radiation level on Melaswen is low enough by now that we could go there."

Sami and Rafe arrive at the pub for their romantic Valentine's bowl of chowdah. Rafe gets a call and runs up to Arianna's to check things out on the computer. Most people would answer the phone, but when Rafe's phone rings, he runs to a computer. If the guy were any more intelligent they'd have to water him.

Stephanie sends Brady and and his food tray away, "Melanie wants to die in private."

Inside, Melanie continues to play the role of a cumquat brilliantly.

Victor and Phillip discover Chloe. Phillip is gracious. Victor isn't.

Lucas isn't exactly the host with the most when he sees her, either, "Good seeing you Chloe." Good like root canal.

Chloe wonders if she should go but Phillip encourages her to stay. Oh, joy. I know if she left it would have ruined the wedding for me.

Stefano tells Kate his people couldn't find Vivian. Kate wonders if something horrible has happened to her.

Vivian tells Carly about the poison, "It's untraceable." Carly threatens to kill her. Vivian taunts and suggests they bury Melanie in her wedding gown, "Or... I don't know... maybe that's a little over the top."

The guests begin to take their seats.

Victor tells Kate, "It looks like you won't have to walk down the aisle with Vivian after all."

"I just pray to God," gasps Kate, "that she's not all right."

Phillip stands at the altar with Abe and the bridesmaids walk in. Stephanie... Arianna... Brady... oh, I mean Brady goes out to get Melanie. He shuts the double doors behind him, immediately turn around, opens them and ceremoniously comes back in... alone. No bride. Stares abound.

EJ comes into the pub. Sami bustles behind the bar. He says he's surprised to see her there, "You seem happy."

"Yes," says Sami, "I am. I hauled out one of my manic personalities today. Actually I... I have something I should tell you."

Back at the wedding, music plays. People wait. Nothing. Brady leaves. We wait... people mumble...

Nathan gets to the hospital and remembers kissing Melanie.

Sami beats around the bush... Rafe comes in and gets all smoochie with her. EJ gets sick, and he hasn't even had his chowdah yet.

Brady knocks, "Melanie, are you OK in there?"

Carly rushes Vivian, "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!" Hope rushes in pointing her gun. She aims it directly at Vivian and fires. Somewhere in Bora-Bora Kayla falls.

Hope breaks up the tussle between Vivian and Carly. Once she has things under control, she says, "Carly, she didn't do it."

Mumbles and speculation circulate through the crowd at the wedding. Suddenly, Brady walks in with Melanie. Phillip greets her and tells her she looks beautiful. He turns to the crowd, "So... let's take it from the top." The music starts... Dumb-dumb-da-dumb... Dumb-dumb-da-dumb...

Sami looks at Rafe and tells EJ, "This is the miracle I was talking about."

"You're right," says EJ, "When he walked in here I noticed he was chewing gum at the same time."

"I thought our relationship was hopeless," says Sami, "but instead it turned out to be clueless. I believe Rafe will bring Sydney back." EJ smiles his nasty smile.

Melanie figures out how to put one foot in front of the other and walks down the aisle with Brady. Maggie greets her and wishes her luck.

Abe begins the ceremony, "Dearly beloved, we are here to join this bionic man and this clueless bimbo in holy matrimony..."

Daniel finds Nathan zoning out, "Why are you here? You don't want Stephanie to beat you to the lodge do you? The ceremony is probably over by now."

Daniel walks away and Nathan flashes back to one of his longing looks into Melanie's eyes, "I can't do this any more." He huffs out.

Melanie and Phillip have written their own vows. Eudora Welty and Ernest Hemingway don't need to worry about the competition.

Hope says she checked out the receipt and found Victor had switched the combs. She arrests Vivian.

Vivian gasps, "No!"

Carly gasps, "Yes!"

OK, after an exchange like that, maybe Eudora and Ernest should start worrying.

Abe comes to that part of the ceremony, so important in every DOOL wedding, where he makes the perfunctory, but all important statement, "If anyone has just cause why this man and this woman should not be united in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

A guy stands up in the back, "Uh... I haven't had sex with her yet on the Internet..."

Nathan arrives at the Kiriakis mansion door and stalls.

Sami extols Rafe's virtues. That only takes a couple seconds. EJ claims Rafe is just telling her what he has to in order to get back into her life. I guess "life" is a euphemism for "pants." Rafe thinks it sounds like EJ doesn't want to get Sydney back.

Abe announces, "Since there are no objections, we'll move on."

For some reason, Chloe gets a bug up her butt and runs out. She bumps into Nathan at the front door, "What are you doing here?"

A cop finds Bo at the hospital. He gives him his long-lost phone and Bo barks a few orders. The cop leaves and Daniel comes up asking for Carly. They can't figure where she went.

Back in the closet at the Rafe-Hernandez-Walling-In Memorial Warehouse, Gus stirs. He gets up, rushes out and shoves a mountain of boxes on top of Carly and Hope.

Bo sees a text from Carly wanting him to meet her at the cannery. He leaves.

Hope and Carly lie pinned down under the boxes.

Carly grunts, "Hope, are you OK?"

Vivian jumps in, "Hope is dead. Congratulations... your dream has come true."

Hope is, in fact, dead. She crosses the River Styx and enters the gates of her new home. Satan stands there greeting the new arrivals. He sees Hope and has a fit, "Oh, no you don't. You might put Bo Brady through hell, but not me." He sends her back.

EJ gets indignant. Rafe's phone rings and he says he has to go answer the computer. As he brushes by, he tells EJ, "We're not through, DiMera."

"You got that right," says macho-boy. Rafe leaves. EJ gets back to the business at hand, "We need to have a talk, Samantha.

Hizonner marryifies. Melanie hesitates.

Nathan says he has to talk to Melanie, but it's not what Chloe thinks. Chloe runs off.

Vivian tells Gus he can leave. He goes. Vivian says she's relieved Carly is still alive so she can see Melanie's death. Carly begs her to leave Melanie alone. Vivian, of course thinks that's a bad idea, "I'll save you a piece of cake." She leaves as Carly huffs and puffs.

Sami tells EJ he's acting like a creep. EJ says he thinks Rafe is trying to worm his way back into her life. Sami says she believes in miracles.

Stephanie brings Melanie a drink and remembers reading the note.

Abe gets things going again, "Do you Melanie..."

"I DO! With all my heart!"

Lucas brings the rings. Unfortunately, he has crazy-glued them together so we have another delay before the ring ceremony.

Abe pronounces. Phillip kisses. People applaud. Some of them wake up.

Carly struggles. Butt-power finally moves the box on top of her. She gets free and checks out Hope.

EJ tells Sami she has to face the truth. Sami says she won't give up. EJ rants, "You are a fool. We will likely never see Sydney again because of your boyfriend."

Back at the wedding, the crowd mingles. Kate hopes something really did happen to Vivian. Lucas comes up to her, "Are you in good spirits even though the bride isn't in a coma?"

Kate lectures sonny-boy, "That was mean spirited and inappropriate."

"Oh," says Lucas, "you mean like feeding poison brownies to someone?"

Stefano gets in his two-cents worth, "Why don't you go upstairs and play with the rest of the children?"

"The games they play are too complex for me," says Lucas. He leaves.

Outside, Nathan pulls out his cell phone.

Maggie congratulates Melanie. Melanie says she was relieved to see her there and is sooo glad she came. Austin calls Phillip. He leaves and Maggie gushes. Melanie thanks her for making it possible for her "mom" to be at her wedding.

Vivian wanders, "I've got to get Melanie alone."

Additional butt-power fails as Carly can't get Hope's box off of her. She digs for her cell phone and calls the cop-shop, "Officer down! At the cannery! Send help! It's Hope Brady!"

The officer on the other end says, "Sorry, if it's Hope, we have a standing order from the commissioner to let her suffer and die."

Carly starts to call Maggie but her phone goes dead. She finds Hope's gun and runs out.

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