She Had A Bit Of A Problem Keeping Her Knickers On

Nicole is with Stefano in his hospital room. She remains skeptical about his ability to make things all-better. He counsels her to go to EJ and tell him about Mia's cadre of lovers.

Mia tells Chad she didn't tell him about all her running around before this, so Chad wouldn't tell Will she's a total slut. Will walks up and wants to know what's going on.

Chad asks, "Are you gonna tell him or not?"

Mia blubbers, "I can't."

Sami and Brady pace around the Java Café on their cell phones. Apparently they've had too much caffeine to sit. Sami calls Mia — no answer. Brady calls Nicole — no answer. Brady tells Sami he didn't reach Arianna either. "I have a bad feeling," says Sami.

"For you, That's pretty good," says Brady, "You're usually mired in your black hole of despair."

EJ calls one of his henchmen and says he's faxing him Arianna's photo, "I need to know if her brother knows she's dealing drugs."

Arianna tells Rafe everyone knows Nicole bought her baby from Mia. "That's it," says Rafe, "You just gave me the last piece of the puzzle."

Nicole worries that Mia might not lie. Stefano is certain she will, "Gossip is like bacteria. Once it gets out the whole world becomes infected."

"DOOL writers are like bacteria," says Nicole, "They have very tiny brains and usually don't know what direction they're going."

Stefano says, "If Chad has the DNA test he will believe the lie and things will work."

Rafe is amazed. Arianna is lost. Apparently Rafe is amazed because for the first time in his life he finds himself in the position of being the only person in the room with a clue. He says he doesn't think all the truth has come out, "It goes back to Dr. Baker." Arianna asks him to share. "The baby that Sami carried wasn't Grace," says Rafe, "It was Sydney. Nicole switched them."

Brady and Sami stop pacing and land at a table. Brady tells her things are good between him and Arianna. Sami worries about Mia, because Chad is making things hard for her. Brady asks if Mia is turning to Sami for help. "Actually," says Sami, "She turns to Will first."

Will pries. Mia tells him when Chad left she was upset so her cousin took her to that hell-hole of iniquity, Chicago. She weaves a tale of debauchery that would embarrass Larry Flynt. She says she wishes she hadn't done such nasty things but that's the way it was, so she doesn't know if Sydney is Chad's baby. She whimpers, "I don't know who the father is."

Mia says she doesn't know who the father is. In Salem, that's about as common as forgetting where you left your car keys.

Nicole leaves Stefano's room and Kate sees her come out. She rags Nicole for being in with Stefano. Nicole tells her not to upset him when she goes in. Kate turns on her heel. She goes in and asks Stefano why Nicole was there.

Rafe speculates, "Baker was an illegal baby buggy bumper baby broker. He tells Arianna how things must have happened leading up to the switcheroo.

Arianna asks, "And now you have to prove this. How are you gonna prove Nicole switched babies?"

Rafe says, "I believe a court order for a legitimate DNA test of all parties involved by an independent third party would do the trick, except in Salem, something that responsible and intelligent would be ludicrous."

Rafe says he might have to bend the rules a little — starting with bending Nicole's restraining order rule. He decides he has to talk to Mia.

Will is stunned, "You're saying you're some kind of tramp? That you go down faster than Nicole or Chloe in an express elevator? How come I didn't get any? " Mia insists her slutscapades are all true.

Chad announces, "I'm leaving. I have to wrap my head around this."

Will tells Mia he thinks she's saying this because she doesn't want Chad to get custody.

Stefano tells Kate he's been released and can leave when the paperwork is done. Kate scolds him for avoiding her question. Stefano tells her it's possible Nicole will move back to the mansion and wants Kate to welcome her.

"I would prefer to see her hit by a bus," says Kate, "but as your dutiful wife I will welcome her — and you will owe me.

Stefano lets out a belly laugh, "I did not doubt that for a minute." Victor steps in and watches the young lovers smooch. OK. That was a bit much. He watches the lovers smooch. OK. That was a bit much. He watches Kate and Stefano smooch. OK. That was a bit much. He watches Kate and Stefano avoid killing each other.

EJ sits in the rumpus room and hears a baby crying. He checks it out and finds Nicole in the foyer with Sydney. Coincidentally, Sydney is crying, too. EJ asks, "What are you doing here?"

Sheepish Nicole asks, "Giving you your life back?"

Victor walks up to Stefano's bed. He and Stefano exchange pleasantries. Kate says she is very happy Stefano is coming home, "For the first time in a long time, I feel secure and loved."

Victor advises Stefano, "Just don't eat her brownies."

Will and Mia sit on the park bench. Will says he's sorry she has to go through this, but he knows she's lying just to get Chad off her case. Mia insists everything is true. She apologizes for hurting him. Will just can't believe it, "So what else am I going to find out was lies. How about when you said you love me?"

Chad shows up as Sami's door, "I'm not sure why I'm here but I need to talk."

"You came to the right place," says Sami, "I can blabber until your ears fall off." She says she's trying to reach Mia and asks what's going on.

Arianna thinks going to Mia is not a smart move, "She will go to Nicole and Nicole will do what she has to in order to make you come up empty handed." Rafe agrees. He decides he needs a shower and clean clothes. Arianna says, "I have the shower, but no clothes."

The girls in the audience shout, "No problem!"

Rafe asks her to go to his place, I need you to get clothes, cash, a spare phone and my teddy bear." Arianna leaves. Rafe staggers over to the desk, picks up his phone and calls, "Hey it's Rafe... Hernandez. I need your help."

Nicole says she's there to bring EJ up to speed. EJ don need no stinkin' help coming up to speed. "If you could manage it yourself," says Nicole, "You might still be a race driver." She says she ran into Mia, "Mia came clean by telling us how dirty she has been." Nicole tells EJ Mia's tale of sin in that immoral abyss Chicago, "Chad probably isn't the father."

EJ says, "Mia doesn't seem like that type of girl."

"Sometimes people can fool you."

"FOOL ME? NEVER!"

Sydney cries, Nicole picks her up and tells EJ Sydney already has a father, "The one and only man that Sydney needs and wants in her life is you."

Chad tells Sami Mia told him he might not be Sydney's father, "She slept with random guys." Sami can't believe it. Chad tells her the DNA test might say he's not the father. Sami, wonder of wonders, is speechless.

Chad breaks down and sobs, "I'm sorry... I just..."

"That's OK," says Sami, "Crying just happens spontaneously at my place. I know your heart is breaking because you still love her." Chad nods.

Mia insists the lies are done now. Will thinks that's a lie, "I won't be around to hear your lies. I don't want to see you ever again." He leaves. Mia collapses into a heap o' tears.

Nicole chases EJ into the rumpus room and tells him she knows he doesn't want to turn his back on Sydney. EJ says he knows this isn't about taking Sydney back, it's about taking both of them back. Nicole says she knows she hurt him and asks him to find it in his heart to tell her there is a chance for all of them to be together. EJ does a slow boil. Nicole moves in, "I know you still care." Closer... closer...

Rafe comes out wrapped in a towel. Arianna comes back in with a duffel bag. She says she's glad the stinky river smell is gone. "I used a different cologne this time," says Rafe. He says he has news about Meredith, "She lost her mind getting off a plane in Orlando and went bonkers. They took her to some Mickey Mouse psych ward. There is no word on when she will get out."

Victor walks into the study and finds Brady contemplating things at his desk. Victor asks if he's brooding because of Arianna. Brady insists not. He tells Victor they got back together. "I'm very sorry to hear that," says Victor.

EJ and Nicole kiss. EJ softens, "I was never happier than when I had you in my life. But my life is over now."

The gals in the Lumi section shout, "We should be so lucky!"

Nicole begs and whines. She says now that Chad can't prove paternity, this is EJ's chance to show Sydney how he feels.

Sami serves iced tea. Chad says he's feeling better. He asks if Sami thinks Mia did all the playing around she claims. "It's hard to think she's that kind of girl," says Sami, "and believe me, I'm an expert. When I get pregnant, I have a better chance of winning the lottery than knowing who the father is. You could still be the father no matter how many guys she's slept with. OMG! What if Will finds out?"

Chad drops the bomb, "He knows. She just told him." Sami worries Will may be suicidal or something.

They rush out to find Will with Sami babbling, "We have to find out what is going on."

Nicole finds Mia sitting in a fetal position on the park bench crying. She sits with her, "What's wrong?"

And the Emmy for the dumbest question ever in a show full of dumb questions is...

Mia whines, "What do you think?"

"You told Chad." Nicole's level of perception is rivaled only by the dandelion gowning beneath the bench.

"I told him all the lies," says Mia, "I guess he believed me. And then I told Will and he broke up with me. "

"He'll be back," says Nicole, "Give him time. He has feelings for you."

Mia is sarcastic, "Yeah everybody has deep feelings for the town slut."

"That's been my experience," says Nicole, "especially the guys."

Nicole tries to make her feel better, "He'll take you back. Will is solid — a brain like concrete. You'll have your happy ending." Mia sobs.

EJ welcomes Stefano home. Kate says she'll make sure the kitchen staff keeps him on a strict diet. She leaves to make sure the kitchen is well stocked with sugar. Stefano and EJ banter about his diet. Stefano says he hopes EJ can bring some happiness back into his life, too. EJ tells him Nicole was just there, "She told me about Mia. Apparently she had a bit of a problem keeping her knickers on. And evidently, so did Mia."

Stefano shakes his head, "That's terrible. A young girl like that disgracing herself."

EJ sighs, "So Nicole wants me to accept Sydney again."

"Will you?"

Victor tells Brady he's in an awkward position, "I have information which has been give to me by people you might not want to associate with."

Brady asks, "The DOOL writers gave you some information?"

"Remember," says Victor, "I'm just the messenger here."

Brady asks, "What does this have to do with Arianna?"

Rafe puts on his leather jacket. It looks pretty good with that towel. He says all he has to do now is get the DNA samples. Arianna speculates about the pain of telling Mia her baby died. Rafe says he can't let that stand in his way.

"When Nicole finds out what you're up to she'll blow up," says Arianna, "She'll leave town and you may never find out the truth."

Victor clams up. Brady wants to know what's going on. Victor says, "Some people I know saw Arianna in a compromising position. She's a drug dealer, Brady."

Arianna wonders what will happen if it turns out Sydney is Mia's baby after all. Rafe says that will prove his theory is bogus but doesn't think things will play out that way.

Stefano insists Elvis loves Sydney. He thinks perhaps it's time to admit he's really Sydney's father. "I'm not taking her back," says EJ.

Chad sits in the Java Café and computes. He Googles "Chicago" and comes up with a list of some of the filthiest porn sites anywhere on the Internet. "I'm still going through with the test," he mumbles, "I will find out if Sydney is mine."

Mia whines and beats herself up, "I knew I didn't deserve to have a baby and that's why I gave Sydney up. I also know I didn't deserve Will. Why did I lie to him?"

Nicole reassures her, "You did the right thing."

Sami watches walks up and watches the conversation. Nicole repeats, "You did the right thing." Sami scowls.

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