I Walk On The Wild Side

Max flips through an autographed copy of Trent's book on cold fusion, penciling in corrections, of course. He reads the inscription, "Hope this book inspires you."

Max slams the book shut and huffs, "A fine example you set, Dad."

CATFIGHT!

It's a gen-you-wine fist flyin', hair pullin', nail scratchin' donnybrook. They want to kill! Kill! KILL! They wanna, they wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in their teeth! Eat dead burnt bodies. Kill! KILL! KILL!

Phillip stands outside the pub talking on his cell phone and is distracted when he hears crashing inside.

Rafe answers the door. He lets Hilda in. Hilda, now a blonde bombshell, sneezes. She tells Rafe she's just come off of a 24 hour stakeout of a Russian mob boss and his wife. Rafe points out Sami is out like a light and says he has to go somewhere. Hilda asks, "Where exactly are you going, agent Hernandez?"

"Fact checking," says Rafe.

"You'll never make it as a Salem cop," says Hilda. Rafe leaves. Outside, he looks at a picture of EJ and walks on.

Nicole gets a call. She looks at the caller ID and sees it's EJ. She agonizes over whether to pick up. Brady says, "I'll talk to him if you want." Nicole snaps, "No! You can't!"

Hilda sneezes again and reaches in her purse. Predictably, she discovers she brought the nighttime knockout formula instead of the daytime stay-awake stuff, "How sleepy can it make me?" She toasts, "Here's to you — you big beautiful blonde," and guzzles half the bottle. She flops onto the couch and flips on the TV.

Nicole asks Brady to promise not to say anything to EJ, "I have to tell him in person. I shouldn't have let the baby mean so much to me. This was supposed to be different for EJ. He was supposed to be part of this baby's life and now it's over."

Mary tells EJ there is a message from Roman, "Marlena was attacked by the person who killed the mayor. Johnny is in the park with Hope and Ciara."

EJ asks, "Bo and Hope finally found Ciara? How wonderful."

"Not for Ciara," says Mary.

Phillip watches the fight through the window. Melanie and Chelsea roll across the floor scratching and biting as a drunk in the background cheers them on. He turns to a waitress, "This is better than Pay Per View." The waitress makes a move to break up the free-for-all but the drunk stops her.

The girls separate and toss insults back and forth. Melanie hits Chelsea with a verbal tirade about Danny and Granny and then piles on by reminding Chelsea she's a Zackwhacker. Thinking she's delivered the death blow, Melanie turns to go. Chelsea takes a flying leap across the bar and tackles her. Brian Urlacher sits in the corner and takes notes, "If I really work at it, maybe someday I can take someone down like that." Phillip runs in and breaks them up. The audience boos.

Hope watches the kids (who are off camera, of course). Julie surprises her, "I'm so glad to be back in Salem. We did five continents in four months. I just went to see Nick. That boy is confused. He can't string a sentence together."

"How do you think he got an acting job on this show," asks Hope.

"Melanie is the cause of all his troubles," says Julie, "I knew she was trouble."

Melanie and Phillip struggle. He holds her in a death grip as Chelsea storms out. Outside, Stephanie tries to stop her, but she brushes past.

Back inside, Melanie struts and brags, "Somebody needed to put that dumb girl in her place."

Phillip says, "Watch your mouth."

Melanie asks, "You gonna tell me what to say now? Save your CEO crap for somebody that cares. You're not my boss, remember?"

Hilda sits on the couch and watches her show. Unfortunately it's DOOL and she immediately conks out. Her snoring wakes Sami. Sami looks out into the next room and gasps, "OMG! Rafe took off and left me with Hilda the Hun. She's passed out and he's gonna blame me." Suddenly, Sami gets an idea. She decides to go for a little walk, grabs her purse and leaves.

Nicole wants to leave the clinic. Brady protests but they go.

Chelsea comes into the Cheatin' Heart to see Max. Somehow, Max has heard about the fight already. Chelsea blames herself for all of Nick's problems, "I'm the reason Nick snapped and killed your father."

"You're right," says Max, "So how about if we get Nick out of jail and put you away forever instead?"

Phillip comes out of the pub and tells Stephanie about the fight. "I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner," says Stephanie, "I would have pummeled that maniac."

Phillip's eyes light up, "Oooooo, Scary. Sexy!"

"Good," snorts Stephanie, "the next time you let my best friend get in a fight you deal with me!"

Melanie checks her finances and asks the waitress if she can get drinks on a tab. When the waitress tops laughing she says no. So Melanie orders water. The dunk saunters up, "Hey there, you're a little spitfire."

Melanie thinks, "Hmmm... the waitress might not lend me money but I bet the silver fox will. Best part is he won't even know it."

Julie rants about Melanie. EJ finds them. Julie decides to spend some time with the children, but EJ and Hope tell her they'd rather talk in private. Rafe listens over some magic transmission device from somewhere. EJ asks if there is anything he can do to help. "There is something you can do, says Hope."

Sami enters the sanctuary. She genuflects, takes out three pews, goes to the front, kneels and sobs. A nun puts a hand on her shoulder and asks if she is OK. "No sister," bawls Sami, "I'm not."

Rafe listens as Hope asks EJ if Stefano had anything to do with the mayor's murder. EJ says no. She wonders if EJ finds it disconcerting the assassin would go after Marlena. EJ doesn't seem to give a damn, but says a member of his family could be next. He starts to go get Johnny, but Hope stops him, "Think of Allie and Johnny. Do you really want to put their lives at risk?"

Sister Teresa introduces herself. She's not there to judge. Only to help. It doesn't take her long to notice Sami's bigger than the Hindenburg and start to judge.

Brady and Nicole arrive at the mansion. He escorts her into the rumpus room and goes for water. Nicole wants something stronger. Brady tells her booze won't help. She says she wasn't thinking straight. She says she doesn't know what she would have done without him. Brady is, of course, just glad he could help. Nicole says she has to figure out how to tell EJ. She blubbers about her predicament. Brady suggests she just call EJ and tell him. Nicole can't. She just can't.

Brady offers to stay with her and sleep on the floor, even though the place has about 27 bedrooms. Nicole falls apart and says she just wants to be alone. She blames herself. She thought she could turn her life around but it wasn't possible. She staggers upstairs.

Chelsea whines and says if she hadn't broken up with Nick, Trent would still be alive and Nick would be free.

"You're right," says Max, "But look at the bright side. I'm sure he'd rather be in prison than with you."

Chelsea laments the fact that she broke Nick's heart for a stupid little crush on a grannyslammin' doctor. Max insists it's not her fault. That may be true but Chelsea is having too much fun playing the blame game. Max kids around and says if she doesn't cut it out, he won't put up with it.

Stephanie says she came to see Phillip about the "green initiative." She hands him a report but then says there is another reason she is there, "I was wondering who you are interviewing for the administrative assistant position." He tells her he has talked to Melanie about the job. Stephanie chuckles and says she doesn't understand how Melanie could be qualified.

"You'd be surprised."

The drunk moves in on Melanie, "The name's Bob."

"Melanie."

Bob scours the Guy Manual for pickup lines that are totally lame but sound great when you're plastered, "That's a pretty name for a pretty girl. Can I buy you a drink?" He orders scotch."

"I'll have a diet soda," says Melanie, "I walk on the wild side. So, what's your story, Bob?"

"How much time you got?"

"Well," sighs Melanie, "I'm all ears."

"Truth be known," says Bob, "You're all teeth."

The nun escorts Sami into a pew. Sami asks about the orphanage. The nun tells her they had 20 children at one time, ranging from infants to teenagers. Sami asks if they take children now. The nun says they do, when there is a need. She asks what her name is. Creative Sami tells sister Teresa her name is Colleen.

Sister Teresa was born at night, but it wasn't last night, "I mean your real name."

Rafe listens as EJ tells Hope Stefano had nothing to do with this. He says he's going to get his son and take him home and put him under lock and key. EJ leaves. We assume he takes Johnny.

Julie comes back and gushes, "How did it go with Mr. Smarmy?"

"He claims his treasured papa knew nothing," says Hope, "And as usual, Sami is caught in the middle."

Nicole plods around in her giant pink slippers. Mary comes in. Nicole gives Mary the look of total satanic possession, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!" Mary heads for the hills. Nicole bawls.

Chelsea says she has to take responsibility. Max tells her the responsibility isn't hers. Chelsea feels if she takes responsibility for this she's a triple murderer and that will move her up a notch on the serial killer scale, "If I had just (say it with her) been there for him..."

"Stop it," orders Max, "Don't forget, Nick's mom was unstable too. You are not responsible. Accept it and move on."

Bob wants to get Melanie liquored up. "Where you from, Bob," she asks.

"Detroit."

"We have something in common," says Melanie, "Salem doesn't have a football team either." She tries to leave, but Bob cozies up. He accuses her of being rude. Melanie gets snotty, "I'm sorry, sweetie, did I hurt your feelings. Chow, Bob." She leaves.

Phillip tells Stephanie that Melanie knows web design and programming, "Her resume didn't blow the job for her. Bottom line, she's a troublemaker."

Melanie walks out of the pub and overhears, "Yeah, well, take your stupid job..."

"Great attitude," says Stephanie, "especially from someone who's flat broke." Meanie sashays off.

Rafe listens as Julie and Hope rant. Julie bets EJ is thrilled to see Sami stuck in the witness protection program. Hope agrees. She thinks with Sami out of the way EJ can raise Johnny however he wants. Julie says, "As long as Stefano is in the picture that little boy will be turned into a detestable DiMera."

Sami insists her name is Colleen. The nun asks if the father of her baby is still in the picture. "I don't think I should say," says Sami. The nun tells her they would be happy to help her.

EJ and Johnny arrive home. Mary rushes up to him, "There is something you need to know."

Nicole lies in bed and pouts. She hears a knock at the door, "Go away!"

EJ says, "It's me and Johnny, darling."

Chelsea continues to blame herself. She apologizes for dragging Max into all her craziness. As she goes Max tells her if she's ever feeling blue, he's not gonna take it.

"You got me shakin' in my boots," says Chelsea.

As usual Max knows exactly what to say. And you can say it with him, "I'm here for you."

Phillip thanks Stephanie for letting him know about the fight, "Next time there is a kerfuffle, I'll be there to break it up."

"Kerfuffle?"

"Yeah," says Phillip, "It's a prohibition term."

"Fascinating."

"Yeah," says Phillip, "I'm nothing if not fascinating."

"I guess you're nothing, then," says Stephanie.

Melanie wanders and looks over her shoulder, "Sorry Bob, but desperate times call for desperate measures."

Bob swoops in out of nowhere and grabs her, "You bitch! You think you can rip me off?"

Sister Teresa gives Sami a St. Anne's medal, "She's the patron saint of housewives, grandmothers, women in labor, and women who are too stupid to use birth control, especially when they bounce between guys like a tennis ball in a hot match at Wimbledon. Sami says she will treasure it and has a feeling she will be back.

Rafe listens as Julie asks, "Think Sami and EJ will get together?"

"I really don't know," says Hope.

"Ozzie and Harriet they are not," says Julie, "But they share a child. EJ has inherited fierce family loyalty form Stefano."

Hope says, "No one will ever come between EJ and Johnny. Not even Sami." Pan to Rafe.

EJ asks if Nicole is all right. "No, EJ I'm not," blubbers Nicole. Tears and snot fly.


Previews
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