Don't 'Oh God' On The Couch

Patch calls Kayla to let her know he's at the pub celebrating with L'il Joe, "We're here celebrating the fact he gained a pound with pound cake. Get it? HAHAHA!"

"Maybe I should celebrate my weight gain, too," says Kayla, "Is there such a thing as ten-pound cake? But please tell me you are not feeding that baby pound cake."

"Of course I'm not," says Patch, "Pound cake doesn't go with beer." Kayla tells him how grateful she is he started the PI company so she can cut back on her hours. "No problem," says Patch, "You'll really get to cut back once I get a few clients." Patch wonders where Stephanie is. He tells Kayla when he told her Trent was trying to track her and Max down, she said she would come home.

"She doesn't like it when you treat her like a little girl," says Kayla, "Let her manage her own life."

"You're right," says Patch, "I shouldn't have told her about Trent. Who the hell wants her to come home? " Patch decides to Stephanie another call anyway. Kayla has to go because she sees her patient walking in.

Kayla greets Kate, "How are you doing?"

"GRAHOOMP-AGAAKK-HACK-HACK!"

Kayla smiles and puts her arm around Kate. She guides her into her office, "Let's go see what's wrong. By the way, do you have a will? Just asking..."

Lucas brings the bewildered Allie into the Horton cabin. He tells her he got joint custody and will be a big part of her life, until he ships her off to Europe to live with her aunt and uncle. The adventuresome Chloe staggers in behind him, sick from her boat ride across water that, according to Lucas, was as smooth as glass. She plops down onto the couch, "Ohhhh God!"

"Oh, no," says Lucas, "Don't 'Oh God' on the couch." Lucas hands Allie over to Chloe as he rushes into the bathroom to get some 'stomach stuff.' Chloe 'Oh Gods' on Allie. Allie 'Oh Gods' on Chloe.

Patch leaves a message for Stephanie. He turns his attention to L'il Joe. L'il Joe 'Oh Gods' on Patch. In the aftermath, Patch calls Hope and asks her to pull any information she has on Trent Robbins. "That's confidential police information," says Hope.

"Good," says Patch, "That means it will make more interesting reading."

France! Just a stone's throw from Salem. But only if you can't throw the stone very far. Max and Stephanie can't find Melanie. For some reason, they decide to keep trying. Nick ends the suspense when he calls and tells them he has found Melanie. The phone call fades and Max assumes Nick is with her. A knock at the door interrupts the conversation. Stephanie answers to find le... what's the French word for 'brat?' The audience 'Oh Gods' at the sight of her.

Melanie calls her friend Marie and asks her to let her know if she sees those Americans she was with near the Marina. She tells Marie she's staying at Michelle's parents' yacht for a couple of days. Trent calls after she hangs up. Bad news on Trent's side, "I'm a little strapped for cash."

"How much?"

"That's not the point."

Melanie launches into a lecture about his gambling and all the money he has lost. He wants a favor, "My old friend Claude was always really fond of you. He says if he has one drink with you, he'll forgive my debt entirely."

Melanie gets steamed, "And you believe him? And what's with not telling me I have a brother?"

Trent returns the volley, "You're lecturing me? I've seen that website of yours. You look like a little slut!"

"Do you think so? Thanks," says Slutula, "So you think that gives you the right to pimp me out?"

"I tried to protect you from your own worst impulses, but you wanted your freedom," says Trent, "How many men has it been?"

Melanie has a meltdown, "That is none of your business. You tell your friend to go to hell. Your daughter is not for sale!" As she hangs up, there is a knock at the door. Either Nick has followed her or he should start to give Trent some gambling advice because the boy knows how to beat the odds. Nick wants her to go with him. Melanie don' wanna.

"What are you doing here, anyway," asks Nick.

A guy comes out of nowhere, "Zhe iss payink a debt. And you are in zee way." He hauls off and...

WHAM! Down goes Nick!

Dr. Smooth walks up to Daniel at the nurses' station, "I can't wait to beat the pants off of you." Several women in the audience wake up and start paying attention. Daniel grimaces and says he forgot to reserve the racquetball court. Smoothie leaves. Daniel picks up his phone but becomes distracted when he sees his screen saver picture of Chelsea. He stares at the picture a bit too long and 'Oh Gods' on the counter.

Chelsea asks about Max' sister. "She's a little screwed up but has a big heart," says Max, "In fact, she's exactly like you only has the big heart." Max goes to look for Nick.

Chelsea asks Stephanie about the real deal with Melanie. Stephanie tells her Melanie is trouble, "Max doesn't see any of the problems in her. She has disappeared and I'm sure she's in trouble again."

Hope brings Patch a pile of Trent Robbins info, "He was Trent Becker for a while, but that name didn't turn up much. The good professor seems to be just that – a good professor. He has spent time in several prestigious universities. His credit report isn't perfect but no worse than mine. He is married and has kids but there are no details."

Nicole walks in and overhears the conversation as Patch says, "If we can find out who his wife is maybe it'll explain why he's so hell-bent on keeping Max from his sister."

Melanie asks the creep if he is crazy. She says she wants to get Nick help. El Creepo tells her to ignore Nick, "Get ready. Put it on. He will be here soon." Melanie runs toward Nick. El Creepo pulls a gun, "DO IT NOW!"

Lucas announces Allie is asleep. He asks about Chloe's stomach. She says it's better and asks about the album she's going through. They go through it together and reminisce. Chloe finds a photo of Lucas before his lobotomy and thinks it's cute. They grow tired of the album and turn to monkey sex to entertain themselves.

Morgan walks into an office where Chris is on the phone with Kate. He hangs up and just exudes, "OH! Don't tell me you're Moooorgan!"

"That's me," she says, "Morgan Hollingsworth."

Chris swishes, "I told you not to tell me that! Soooooo you're the firecracker Anna recommended! I did a background check on yewwwwww. Were you're ears burning? I looooove doing that. It makes me feel like Harriet the spy."

Kayla tells Kate she can't make a diagnosis until she gets pictures and test results. Kate asks, "Can't you just give me some antibiotics for now?" Kayla says, "Well, I can't blindly treat your symptoms until I know the cause. It's too bad you don't need a kidney transplant. I have a lot of experience with that.

Kayla wants a chest x-ray. Kate doesn't.

Lucas. Chloe. Monkey-Afterglow. Chloe sighs, "Now that's what I call getting back to nature." Lucas tells her they're going to do a lot of getting back to nature on the trip. Chloe asks, "We're not gonna go moose hunting are we?"

"Just moose jumping," says Lucas, "You know what – we need a fire."

"Lucas," says Chloe, "It's over eighty degrees."

"Oh fires are a lot hotter than that," says Lucas, "It may be hot now, but it will get cold tonight. You know how sexy it is to make love to a woman by firelight?"

"Actually, no," says Chloe, "I've never done that." Lucas leaves. Allie cries. Chloe cringes.

Chris ramps up the flamboyance, "I totally did a background check on you. Morgan Hollingsworth, this is your life! It starts in the bayou dripping with Spanish moss."

"Something's dripping with something," says Morgan, "But I don't think it's Spanish moss."

Chris goes through his portfolio on Morgan and about pops, "OH! OH! OH! Your first beauty contest! And then your society debut! Details! I want details! Did you wear white and a single strand of pearls? OH! OH! OH! You are hiiiirrrreeeed. You know you don't get paid right?"

Morgan wonders if Chris didn't do a full background check. "OH! SILLY!" Chris breaks a wrist flipping it, "I know all about your father's troubles." Chris says he thinks it's important she visits her dad as often as possible. Morgan wonders whom she will be working for. Chris busts with pride, "My boss is the fantastic, fiendish, ferocious queen and CEO of Hearth and Home!"

"She may be fantastic," says Morgan, "She may even be fiendish and ferocious, but believe me, she ain't the queen around here. You've got that title all locked up. Anyway, who is she?"

"None other than Kate Roberts!"

Morgan 'Oh Gods' on the chair beside them, "This interview is over."

Kate tells Kayla she can't do it today and rushes out past Daniel. Daniel wants to know what's up. Kayla pounds Kate's chart into Daniel's chest and tells him to see for himself.

Sleazy Claude asks how Melanie's father is doing. Melanie is cold, "He's a gambling addict." Sleazy Claude reminds Melanie they met before in Paris. "I remember," says Melanie, "You made me sit on your lap."

"Your fazzer zent me zee pictures over zee years," says Claude, "You have zertainly fulfilled your earlier promise."

"You are sick and disgusting."

"After tonight," says Claude, "your fazzer's debts will be paid in full." Melanie says she isn't doing this. El Creepo and his goon squad bring Nick in.

Claude asks, "Your friend, right?"

"I've never seen him before."

"You weel do as I zay or he ees a dead man." Melanie sobs as Claude takes her in his arms and dances with her.

Trent tries to call Melanie. Nicole drags him away and tells him Patch is investigating him. Trent tells Nicole that's impossible, because he hired Patch. Nicole says Hope gave Patch a whole file. Trent says he wants Nicole's help. "What do you need," asks Nicole.

Trent hesitates, "Let's say I'm... temporarily embarrassed."

"For a math whiz you're a dim bulb," says Nicole, "You should have figured out by now the house always wins. You're on your own, Trent."

Trent gets nasty, "Don't be so sure, Mrs. Robbins."

Bo has joined Patch and Hope. He tells Patch Robbins' record is clean. Patch says, "He's been nosing around ever since Max and Stephanie left for France."

Chloe hauls Allie around like a sack of potatoes. Allie screams. Chloe tells her she really likes her daddy and they have to get along. Lucas comes in. Chloe tells him this isn't going to work.

Morgan tells Chris she can't work for Kate Roberts. He says Kate doesn’t blame her for Phillip getting shot, "You are the best and Kate demands the best!"

Kate interrupts with a call. Chris answers, "Heeelllllloooo your highness!" Kate wants to know when the layouts will be ready. He tells her he just met her intern. Kate doesn't want to hear about it. She says she trusts him. Chris hangs up, "Kate says it's up to me and you'rrrre hired!"

Morgan can't believe it, "You can do that? Just like that?"

"I can do that," says Chris, "Just like that!"

Daniel yanks the phone from Kate. Kate thinks that's a pretty aggressive move and wants to know why he did it. He wants to know why she won't stick around for the x-ray, "What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know," says Kate, "Are there any STD's with uncontrollable coughing as a symptom? "

Daniel wants to x-ray her just to make sure.

Melanie decides to have a drink after all. Nick struggles with the ropes they have tied around his hands. Sleazy Claude toasts, "To zee night neizzer one of us weel ever forget." He moves in. Nick gets out of the ropes. Creepo hears a sound and turns to check it out. One blow from 90-pound Nick is all it takes to wipe El Creepo out.

Nick moves in on Claude. Claude says, "What do you want, beeg zhot? What do you want?" Nick swings.

SMASH!

Sleazy Claude is out of the picture. In the meantime, El Creepo has gotten back on his feet. He draws his gun and points it at Nick.

BANG! Nick collapses in a pool of blood.

Out of nowhere, Max, Stephanie, the brat, the cops and the French Foreign Legion rush in.

Lucas comes out and says Allie is fine and has nodded off. Chloe beats herself up and says she isn't the mom-type. Lucas says she and Allie will get used to each other in time, "Once you discover you're both a couple of whining, crying infants, I'm sure you'll get along. You'll become more familiar and get to know each other."

"Familiarity breeds contempt," says Chloe.

"I guess that's true," says Lucas, "Especially when it's familiarity with you. But the most important thing is we are together."

Daniel wants to know why Kate is avoiding the tests. Kate says she is in a rush. Daniel begs, "Do it for your family and the people who care about you." Kate says today isn't the day and leaves.

Chris tries to put Morgan at ease about working for Kate, "Sweetie, you let me worry about Kate. You both have one thing in common – how much you care about Phillip! And, Honey, I love that dress!"

The cops haul sleazy Claude out as he protests, "This is a misunderstanding." Nick huffs and puffs as the paramedics work on him. Chelsea rushes in and wants to know what happened, "Is he gonna be OK?"

Max asks Melanie what happened there, "I want the truth!"

Chelsea whimpers as Nick spews blood, "Don't 'Oh God' on the carpet! "


Previews
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