Freakshow Bitch

Sorry about the late posting, gang. We should be back on schedule tomorrow.

The ever-vigilant officer Krupke stands guard outside Willow's room. Ordinarily, nothing gets past the dedicated Krupster, but at the moment he is engrossed in the personals section of the Salem Slime Slinger. This split-second lapse in attention allows the little brat to slither past him and into Willow's room. It was a time-saving stroke of luck for the brat, who is thankful she didn't have to resort to the standard donut-on-a-string trick to lure one of Salem's finest away from his post.

Inside, Willow reads the Wall Street Journal so she can keep track of her favorite stocks, Hooker Industries and Whoremel Foods. When Chelsea barges in, she tosses her reading material aside and says, "It's about time you got here."

"Well, when I get a message saying, 'I know what you did,'" says the brat, "I figured I'd better come and see what the joke is. How did you sneak a carrier pigeon into the hospital, anyway? "

The brat wants to get right down to business but Willow tells her they have to wait until the other person she contacted arrives. "What other person," asks the curious little snot. Right on cue, Nick sticks his head in the door. He walks in and Willow sits in judgment, "I want to know, which one of you came up with the brilliant idea of stealing the hairbrush from the lab?" We zap back to the faces of the accused. Shock and awe!

Kate gives Phillip the third degree. She wants to know why he is involved with EJ Wells. Phillip tries to convince her he just has a business arrangement with EJ. Kate doesn't buy it, "Come on, Phillip, this wreaks of personal."

"Something in this room wreaks, that's for sure," says Phillip, "Let's just say EJ and I have a mutual interest in someone."

Mommie dearest pulls out all the stops. She threatens to send sonny boy to bed without his supper, ground him and take away his Nintendo Wii privileges, "So, who is this person of mutual interest?"

"You really know how to play hardball," says Phillip, "It's Shawn Brady."

Meanwhile, back on the tropical Isle of Stoidi, it's the baby's bedtime. Claire's, too. Belle listens as Shawn and Gabby banter outside the door. Shawn offers to program Gabby's GPS. Gabby is sooooo grateful. She says she will totally pay him back. Shawn tells her she doesn't have to do that, since he will probably louse it up anyway, but Gabby insists. She will treat him to dinner, "Wine and your favorite dish, Mahi-mahi... or is that Me-hi-Me-hi? " Hey, it sounds good to Shawn. Belle listens inside. I think Shawn is more likely to get cold shoulder and hot tongue for dinner.

Back at the Salem Towers, we are treated to a dizzying Federico Fellini shot of Sami planting the kiss of death on Lucas. Round and round we go. Where this painful scene stops, nobody knows. DOWN GOES LUACS! This one sets a new record on the Richter scale. In the dining hall below, bedlam breaks out as the giant chandelier crashes to the floor. The shockwave travels to the nearby Salem Sea thus beginning what future generations will call the Great Salem Tsunami of '07.

Hot Lips runs to her fallen lover's lifeless body and pours out her heart to him. She is soooooo sorry. She will make this up to him. Can he ever forgiver her? Can the LUMI fans ever forgive her?

THE PREVUZE UNABASHED DICTIONARY DEFINES OBSESSED LUMI FANATICS AS "LUMITICS."

Sami's phone rings. She rushes over and picks up. Comatose lover who may be dying vs. a cell phone. It's a no-brainer. EJ sits in the comfort of the fire-lit cabin and caresses his brandy (no pun intended), "I'm waiting, Samantha. You'd better come... or else you might not make it... tick tock."

Shawn and Gabby giggle their conversation to a conclusion. Shawn has just never seen a girl handle a belt sander the way Gabby did. They go inside their respective rooms to clean up.

The fun's over for Brainiac. He walks inside the room and notices the temperature falls to a level that would freeze nitrogen. He tells Belle he's going to clean up. This one really will be a cold shower. Belle is going to go for a walk. Shawn walks right into it by asking if she will be gone long.

"Why," asks the ice-woman, "Do you have plans?" Shawn tells her he and Gabby plan to program the GPS later. Belle gives him the silent treatment.

"Hey," says Shawn, "Come on! I have to get the three of us to Australia."

"Don't you mean the four of us," asks Belle, "Don't forget your first-mate!" Somebody call an exorcist, quick!

"Oh, I wasn't forgetting her," says Shawn, "I was seriously contemplating leaving you behind. Now, we're not going to argue about this any more." Belle turns and stares, knowing Shawn is right. An argument usually has two sides.

Kate knows Phillip doesn't want to hear it, but she says she's going to give him some sound advice. Yeah, 99% sound, 1% advice. "EJ is already making your brother's life a living hell. I don't want that to happen to you."

"You're our mother," says Phillip, "Our life has been a living hell since the day we were born." Phillip is stupid enough to think he can handle EJ. Kate points out there have been others who thought that and they have either been really hurt or have disappeared. She doesn't want that to happen to Phillip, despite how the viewers feel.

EJ says, "The clock is ticking, Samantha." That's more than Sami can say for certainty about Lucas heart. She tends to him while she talks. EJ asks if she told Lucas about the baby, and Sami says yes. She says she is on her way to see him and asks if she can have until 9:15. "Absolutely not," says EJ, "And I don't have to tell you what will happen if you are even a second late."

EJ hangs up. Sami bawls and swears to the lifeless lump Lucas lying on the floor that things will be OK. KNOCK-KNOCK!

"Who's there," says Sami.

"Roone."

"Roone who," asks Sami.

"Roone Service," says the man with a slight accent.

"Why can't I ever catch a break," asks Sami.

Willow accuses the brat and the geek of stealing the hairbrush. They ask her what possible motive either one of them would have for doing that. She looks straight at Chelsea and says, "You, because you could wind up in jail and want me to take the fall," then over to Nick, "and you, because you're interested in the little skank."

"Excuse me," says Chelsea, "Aren't you the one who was majoring in 'skank?'"

Willow tells Nick she didn't fall for his little con job of trying to make her think he was her friend. Chelsea dares Willow to prove she was involved with the burglary and fire, "Be sure to send me a post card from your prison cell."

Willow rants at Nick, "You know I'm going down for this. Can you live with that?"

"At the moment," says Nick, "That would be a definite 'yes.'"

Shawn insists he is not interested in Gabby, "This is insane and stupid."

"No," says Belle, "This is us!"

"Same thing," says Shawn.

Gabby interrupts. She comes in holding her head and moaning. She tells Shawn she just told Duck about their plans and it didn't go well. She asks Shawn if he would talk to Duck for her. Belle gives Shawn that look women give men when there is no gun handy.

Sami drags Lucas' body over to the bed and pulls the covers onto the floor. She tiptoes over and unlocks the door, turns off the lights and lies down beside Lucas. She yells for Roone to open the door, and then starts giggling, "Oh, Lucas stop tickling me."

Roone comes in and sees the lovers in action. He turns away and excuses himself. Sami tells him she will sign for things in the morning. Roone nervously backs out of the room. Sami giggles until Roone is out of the way. She turns to Lucas, "Man, I wish you were this good in bed all the time."

Sami is now an official basket case. She calls Celeste, "You have to get up here right away. I need your help."

Shawn doesn't know what good it will do if he talks to Duck. Gabby insists Duck respects Shawn, "I know this is a lot of trouble but..."

Belle interrupts, "You got that right."

Shawn, too dumb to know any better, shushes her and tells Gabby he'll do it, "It's no big deal."

"Can we talk," asks Belle. Translation: I talk, you listen. Belle whispers, "I don't trust her."

Shawn whispers, "I'm starting to feel like you don't trust me."

Belle whines, "I'm trying."

"Very trying," says Shawn.

"You do what you think is best," says Belle. Translation, "Talk to Duck and it will be the last thing you say before I cut your tongue out with a butter knife."

Shawn turns and asks Gabby where Duck is. She tells him he is downstairs, "Thank you Shawn." Pan to Belle who is very close to hitting critical mass.

Celeste puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door as Sami blithers. She swears she doesn't have time to make it to EJ by 9 PM. "EJ may be a racecar driver," says Celeste, "But he's never seen me in action." They rush out the door. Lucas vegetates.

Phillip thinks Kate is saying he doesn't measure up to EJ or his dad. Kate says she is just saying Phillip has a heart and they don't. Phillip suggests she ask Shawn or Belle about what kind of heart he has. 'Stars and Stripes Forever' plays in the background as Kate says she would rather ask Claire what kind of a heart Phillip has, or Will who adores him, or the boys in uniform who Phillip stood beside and fought with so bravely. EJ will just see his big heart as a target, so he has to tell her what they are up to. No, Phillip can't tell and Phillip can't stop what is happening.

The brat insists no one would believe Willow even if she contacts the police about this. "Oh yeah," says Willow, "This from the girl whose own dad doesn't believe her." Chelsea tells her the happy news. She's now living with Bo and Hope. "Well," says Willow, "when they hear about this it will be goodbye casa Brady, hello Graybar Hotel."

Chelsea reminds Willow she has no credibility and tried to pawn the jewels. Willow tosses her box of Kleenex in frustration. Nick tells her to cool it and brings her another, to see if she can throw it a little farther this time. Chelsea says if anyone ever confronted her about the hairbrush, she would just deny it. Willow somehow sees that as a confession. Chelsea tells her the only way Willow could know for sure it was her hairbrush is if Willow stole it and planted it.

Phillip tells Kate he knows EJ wants to get hold of Shawn, too, so they installed the security system at Bo and Hope's house. "I hope you know," says Kate, "If you tell EJ where Shawn is, you may be signing his death warrant."

EJ taps his watch. The clock strikes the witching hour. That does it. EJ calls Lucas, who is detained at the moment, and leaves a message for him to call. Suddenly, Sami crashes into the room. "Scratch that," says EJ, "Things seem to be working out." EJ Chastises Sami for being late. She tells him it's Lucas' fault. He begged her to stay, "What matters is I am here now."

"Yes, indeed," says EJ, "And in a few hours, your last name will be Wells. Just like mine." He kisses her hand.

Chelsea borrows Nick's phone, punches in the number to the police station and hands it to Willow, "My dad's extension is 268. And if you get him, would you ask him what he wants to do for dinner tonight?"

Willow doesn't take the bait, "Just because I'm not calling doesn't mean I think you didn't steal the hairbrush, Nick. In fact, I know you did, because you'd do anything for this freakshow bitch. She will turn on you, Nick. Just you wait."

Kate tells Phillip EJ was behind the black-glove crimes but the cops can't pin anything on him. Phillip thinks that doesn't prove anything. Kate points out the two people who saw EJ shoot John Black disappeared. Kate thinks since Shawn worked for EJ, he found out something EJ doesn't want him to know, "And EJ wouldn't hesitate to dispose of him."

Phillip thinks Kate really does hate EJ, "But you still work with him, among other things."

Kate explains why she works with him. She doesn't have to explain the other things. "Promise me if you find out where Shawn is, you won't tell EJ, or his blood may wind up on your hands. And your hands are among the few original body parts you have left."

Shawn goes to find Duck, leaving the girlfriends to talk. Gabby starts to leave, but Belle wants to talk – about Shawn.

Duck finds Shawn knocking at his door. Shawn says he was looking for him. He wants to talk, man-to-man. "Well," says Duck, "That might put you at a disadvantage."

EJ is in a rush. Sami wants to get cozy and turn the cabin into their own sin city. EJ says they can do that later, "Is there a problem, Samantha?"

"Yes there is," huffs Sami, "Do you know how much I have given up to be here? A little something in return would be nice."

Chelsea attacks Willow. Nick pulls her off and Willow says that proves what a nutcase Chelsea is. Nick decides they should all act like adults. "We're good actors, but not that good," says Willow. Nick swears he never touched the hairbrush. Chelsea storms out as Willow tosses insults.

Outside, Nick wants to know what is going on. "I can't see you anymore," says Chelsea.

Sami wants to know if she means something to EJ. She rolls through a litany of everything she has given up to be there, "I have given up my family, my son, watching DOOL on SoapNet tonight. I hope I'm more than just a surrogate for your child." EJ finds her sentimentality fetching. Sami wonders why, now that she has agreed to be with him, he has turned cold on her, "I'm a woman. I have needs."

Phillip agrees not to tell EJ if he finds Shawn, but in return, wants Kate to keep an eye on EJ. Kate will keep more than an eye on him if she gets the chance.

Kate tells Phillip the whole Brandy Mathas – Samantha Brady thing. She insists Sami is headed for Vegas to marry EJ. Phillip decides to call Lucas. Phillip calls. Lucas lies in bed doing his best John Black imitation. Phillip hangs up, "No answer."

The brat needs to move on. Nick can't believe she is doing this when he has come close to risking everything. She tells him if he really believes she set the fire, it's best that they not see each other again. She leaves.

Officer Krupke comes out and resumes his duties as Willow's guard. He picks up the newspaper and Nick immediately walks into her room. Willow tells him to get out. "Maybe I don't wanna leave," says Nick, "Maybe I think you could use a friend." He puts his hand on her shoulder. She puts her hand on his.

Belle says she and Shawn are having trouble keeping their lives private, "I think everyone around here knows a little too much about what goes on behind closed doors."

"You're right," says Gabby, "We all know nothing." Belle lays down the law. She wants everyone to know she and Shawn are a couple. Coulda fooled Gabby. Coulda fooled Shawn.

The only thing Duck wants to hear from Shawn is an apology for taking Gabby from him. Shawn says Gabby hasn't been happy there for a long time. Shawn thinks Gabby just wants to see a little of the world and then come back to Stoidi. Duck tells him Gabby will never come back, "Guess you're stuck with her, boy scout." Duck chuckles as he walks away and swills his beer.

Sami gets cozy with EJ. She paws at him and begs for him to kiss her. EJ grabs her neck, "You know what I think? I think that you're playing me for a fool. And you're about to become a very sorry woman."

Kate and Phillip rush up to Sami and Lucas' room at the Salem towers. Phillip pounds on the door, "Lucas! Lucas! Are you in there?"

For one of the few times in his life, Lucas is dead silent.


Previews
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Stephanie 2.0 says, "So what is it, Mom? What's wrong with Dad?" Kayla says, "I think you're the only person who can help."

Shawn says to his harem, "So we're still going to set sail, right?" Responding to the blank stares he asks, "Did I miss something here?"

Kate tells Phillip, "Before the phone went dead, I heard someone call out her name. Sami and EJ are there together."

EJ rips open Sami's blouse and says, "Are you wearing a wire?" Sami says, "Nothing but me, EJ."