King Of Dorks

Nick and the brat are in a car discussing what they will do when they get to Toronto. The brat tells him they have arranged to meet Shawn and Belle, "At a door in the back of an alley." Nick feels Shawn and Belle have hooked up with the kind of people who know how to fly under the radar. The brat tells him he knows everything, which degenerates quickly into an argument over who is the most obnoxious. No contest. Nick tries to change the subject but the brat won't have it. He tells her he doesn't think she's obnoxious, "I think your are smart and brave. And I think you are plucky."

"Plucky," she repeats, "What's plucky?"

"It's Swahili for obnoxious."

As this inane banter continues, Nick utters an expletive and tells the brat someone in an expensive imported car is following them. The brat turns to look.

Willow tells Phillip she just saw Chelsea turn around. Phillip isn't concerned, "It'll put them on edge. Be afraid, kids. Be very afraid."

"Ohhhhh," squeals Willow, "You're so evil! I like that in a guy."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"We do make a great team, don't you think," asks Willow.

"You're a whore, Willow," says Phillip, "We're nothing alike. I don't take it lying down and I don't get used. Get a grip." Willow sits in shock.

The brat wonders what they are going to do about it. Nick says he is thinking about it. She tells him to think faster.

Meanwhile, music blares in Shawn and Belle's cozy little dump. Belle cradles Claire like the place is on fire. Shawn wakes up and Belle tells him it sounds like there is a party going on outside the door. Shawn goes to tell the motley crew to shut up.

Kate, Sami and Lucas are at dinner at Chez Rouge. Kate can't believe Victor fired Lucas. She also can't believe Victor forced Shawn and Belle to kidnap their own biological daughter. Lucas suggests she talk to Victor, but she says he isn't taking her advice these days. Lucas wonders if Kate has an opening for him at Mythic. Kate thinks there might be a problem with that.

The problem walks up to the table and sits down, "You don't mind if I join you, do you, everybody?"

Lucas asks Kate, "You're not still mixed up with this scuzzball, are you?"

EJ points out that "equal partnership" involves being mixed up with him to some degree. He tells Sami she looks stunning. Lucas mouth goes into high gear. He tells Kate EJ is a crook. EJ fires back with the headline in the evening edition of the Salem spectator, "Racing Star Cleared of All Charges."

Speaking of scuzzballs, Shawn walks into the room where Dumb and Dumber are partying down. Now it's Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest. Shawn slaps the radio button and the music stops. He tells them his daughter is trying to sleep in the next room and if they keep it up they will have the cops down on them. Dumb keeps boogieing to the sound of silence while Dumber wields his Labatt Blue, "What – are you jonesing?"

"No," says Shawn, "I'm bradying. He slings the radio across the room and tells them to get out of there. Dumb and Dumber leave. Shawn turns and sees the shadow of a man in uniform sneaking around. He hides as officer Doright walks in and surveys the scene.

Nick tells the brat to relax. Mickey and Maggie live nearby and he's going to stop at their house to pick something up. He makes the turn.

The Phillow car follows. Willow recognizes the neighborhood, "This is where my old boss used to live."

"Your pimp?"

"Noooooo... Maggie Horton. I worked at her restaurant until that little bitch riding shotgun up there got me fired," says Willow. Willow figures that's where they are going since Nick is related to her.

Nick pulls over and turns off the lights. He tells the brat not to worry as he gets out.

"Right," she says, "'Don't worry,' says the King of Dorks, 'it'll just take a sec.'" She turns on the radio as someone gets inside the car, "You weren't kidding. That was quick."

"Found you, Chelsea," says Phillip, "Going somewhere?" The brat tells him they are going on a date. Phillip doesn't buy it. He thinks they are on the way to Toronto. He also doesn't think they would pack suitcases to go on a date.

Nick comes back and gets in the car. "Down boy. Don't hurt me," mocks Phillip. Nick tells him to get out of his car. "Or what," asks Phillip, "Relax kids. Enjoy your date. I'll be behind you all the way." He leaves.

Nick lectures the brat for not locking the car, but tells her not to worry, "I've got a few tricks up my sleeve."

Shawn hides as Dudley checks things out. After the cop leaves, Shawn knocks on the door and tells Dumb and Dumber to open up. He walks in and tells them next time to find another alley to hide in. Obscene gestures fly.

He goes over to Belle who worries that something happened out there and he isn't telling her.

"You're right," says Shawn, "Dumb and Dumber ran out of Labatt's. And there was a cop snooping around." Shawn thinks this means they will have to leave sooner than expected.

Lucas thinks it's another miscarriage of justice. Kate sighs, but EJ tells her he has earned Lucas' ire because he has let his feelings for Sami to get a little too warm. Lucas thinks the reason EJ was cleared is because the eyewitness has disappeared.

"Would that be Lexie, or would that be Tek," asks EJ, "Since their stories contradict each other, I suppose it doesn't matter." EJ says this is all behind him and he can focus on Mythic. Kate tells EJ Lucas was wondering if there are any jobs available.

"I'd rather squeegee windows in the snow up to my butt than work for this scuzzball," says Lucas..

Claire wails. Like mother like daughter. Shawn decides they shouldn't get ahead of themselves. They don't know that the cop is coming back. Claire needs sleep. Belle says she won't be getting sleep tonight since she is teething. Shawn offers to go to the pharmacy, but Belle vetoes it since he might get caught.

Willow wonders why Phillip told them they were following. Phillip points out he's the only guy in Salem who drives this type of car, so they probably already figured it out.

Nick says when they get to the terminal, he needs the brat to distract Phillip. She asks how. He reels off a number of lame options including, "Kiss him."

"So while Phillip has his tongue down my throat exactly what will you be doing?" Nick shows her a knife. He'll be getting it 'ready.'

EJ tells Lucas to get a sales executive like him on the payroll would be quite a coup. Besides, come spring he'll be back on the racing circuit and Lucas would never see him. Lucas tells him to go to hell and EJ excuses himself.

Kate lectures Lucas for letting his childish ego get in the way of an opportunity. Sami defends him but Lucas' childish ego tells her to cool it. Kate and Lucas argue about whether Lucas should consider the job. Lucas' childish ego asks Sami what she thinks. She wants him to do what is best. If this is it, she's behind him 100%. Lucas stands firm on his principles and then goes over to EJ to grovel for a job.

Shawn insists on going to the pharmacy. He's out of money. He grabs a couple of bucks from Belle's purse. Belle says they'd better hope his dad gets the money to hem soon. Shawn assures her he will.

At the airport Nick and the brat argue over who gets what seat. They both hate the aisle. Chelsea decides Nick has to sit there because he's the man and that's the way things work.

Phillip shows up with Willow. Nick tells the brat to go do that favor he asked her to do. Chelsea says, "Well, I just hope you know what you're doing, Nick."

Nick says, "So do I."

EJ and Lucas have sealed the deal. Lucas will be Vice President in charge of Mythic's new line of whoopee cushions. Lucas says they haven't worked everything out yet. He wants EJ to stay away from Sami. EJ says he has given his word that he will. Lucas doesn't think EJ's word is worth much. He also doesn't like EJ living across the hall, so he wants him to move. EJ says the real issue is Sami, "She has made it very clear she isn't interested, and I accept that. So, you must be planning a wedding. Any plans for children in the near future?"

Kate is surprised Lucas was so worried about not having a job after one day. Sami says they have savings, but want to keep it that way. Kate says she met with a producer and told him about Sami's rescue of Lucas. He wants to tell Sami's story on TV.

Willow disses the brat as she walks up but Phillip tells her to shut up. Chelsea wants to talk to Phillip alone. He tells Willow to go powder her nose. Chelsea says, "I know you're not a guy I want to mess with. I want to tell you where Shawn and Belle are hiding."

Claire cries. One of the druggies in the room tells Belle to get her out of there so they can sleep. Belle takes Claire into the alley and tells her they just have to hang on a little while longer. Shawn comes back with the medicine. Belle gives it to Claire and she settles down.

"Every time I look into her eyes," says Shawn, "They remind me of her mom's, because they are usually full of tears. Belle decides It's OK to go back inside. Just as the door closes, Officer Doright comes back with his ominous flashlight.

Kate tells Sami about the producer and his shows, "He calls it human interest reality programming. Most people call it crap." Sami can't believe it. She thinks Kate can't stand the attention she's been getting and wonders why she's being so generous all of a sudden. Kate says the bottom line is both of them are stubborn and ambitious and neither wants to share the spotlight with someone else. But she is grateful to Sami for saving Lucas, "So if you're interested, just give me the word and I'll set up the meeting." Sami stares.

Lucas tells EJ they aren't planning on having more kids. He wonders why EJ is asking. EJ says it's just friendly conversation. "I'd rather not be your friend," says Lucas. EJ pulls a handy-dandy contract out of his pocket and tells Lucas if he signs it he will move out of his apartment and stay away from Sami. Lucas decides to take the contract over to show mommy, "I'll see you tomorrow, man." Lucas leaves.

EJ drones, "And tomorrow... and tomorrow... and tomorrow..."

Lucas comes back to the table. Sami asks, "Well?"

Lucas says, "I said yes."

Sami says, "I can't believe you're gonna be working with EJ."

Chelsea stammers around as Phillip tells her to get to the point. Meanwhile, Nick messes with Phillip's bags. Finally, the brat leans in toward Phillip's ear and screams, "THEY'RE IN CANADA, YOU JERK! START PAYING ATTENTION! If anybody is little, Phillip, it's you. that's why little guys yell so much. They overcompensate. It's especially common with guys who go away for a while and come back six inches shorter."

The brat leaves and Willow comes back. Phillip tells her to grab her bag and get on the plane. They gather things up and head for the security check. The brat and Nick make it through and then turn to watch the fun. Phillip and Willow walk through the metal detectors and then stand and wait for their bags.

The security guard points a finger at Phillip, "YOU! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"

Belle is back in the groove, worrying like there is no tomorrow. Shawn plays his usual role of assuring her everything will be OK, just before everything falls apart.

Right on cue, Officer Dudley hammers on the door, "Police. We know somebody is in there!" Shawn and Belle huddle and shush each other. Dudley leaves, checking his radio. Belle thinks the cops are gone but worries they might come back. Shawn decides they should get some rest. He starts to bed down on the concrete, but Belle tells him they can all fit on the cot. Shawn crawls up and they all smash themselves together like last night's dinner in a trash compactor.

The security guard opens Phillip's bag. He pulls out the knife. GUNS, GUNS, GUNS, GUNS AND MORE GUNS point at Phillip as an army of guards screams at him to get down on the floor. Phillip claims the knife isn't his.

Chelsea and Nick high-five. Nick says, "I can't believe you ever doubted me, babe!"

"Babe?"

They get on the plane as Phillip struggles with the guards and yells at Willow not to let Nick and Chelsea get away.

Lucas plays it smug. He tells Kate and Sami he told EJ he has to move or there is no deal. "Lucas," says Sami, "I love you so much when you pretend you're an adult."

Lucas wonders what they did when he was gone, "No bruises, no bites, no scratches, no blood..." Sami tells him about the producer. Lucas is thrilled. As they wrap things up, Kate says she is sure they will turn Mythic into a powerhouse. Sami and Lucas take off. EJ and Sami share a glance as Lucas gets the coats.

Kate comes over to EJ's table and asks what he is up to. Kate tells him she hopes he is not up to his old tricks. She leaves and EJ picks up his glass of wine and toasts nobody in particular, "The closer Lucas is to me, the closer I am to Samantha. So here's to the perfect plan – Samantha and me." FF

Previews
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Chelsea tells Nick, "I will tell you the name of one guy that I slept with if you give me the name of your one and only."

Shawn says, "I can take care of you and Claire." Belle says, "I know." Where else can you find gripping dialogue like this?

Phillip tells Victor, "I don't trust Willow. But I want to keep her in my sight until I find Claire. And then I never want to see her again." Pan in on the woman-scorned.