Hello, Judas

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the new reality show that's sweeping the nation, "So You Think You Can Write A Soap Opera." Today's submission is from Miss Thelma Snerd's second grade class at the Ozzy Osbourne School for the Irreversibly Brain Fried in Rikers Island, New York. Enjoy...

Nicole strolls in front of the pub talking into her microphone and giving her news report, "And so tonight, Arianna Hernandez can come back here, to a squalid room over a cheap bar. And despite the overwhelming evidence against her she is once again free on bail. One can only wonder if the series of savage and perverted muggings will continue."

Nicole wraps things up and the camera guy gives her his opinion, "So fair, so balanced..."

"Oh, shut up," yells Nicole, "Just go back to the station and try not to get mugged." The camera guy leaves. Nicole flashes back to her last conversation with Baker, "I'm not going to let you get me, EJ."

EJ is on the phone telling a guy to keep following Nicole. Stefano comes in. He wonders how long it will be before Nicole catches on that EJ has nothing on her. EJ doesn't know. Stefano thinks maybe he has a way to make Nicole tip her hand.

Caroline and Sami are at the pub. Caroline wonders why she's making all the food for the family picnic when Sami has all those cooks over at the "mausoleum." She asks, "Did I fry any of that chicken for EJ?"

"He doesn't eat fried foods," says Sami, "But I don't know if he's coming to the picnic."

"Time with your kids alone would be good," says Caroline.

"They're his kids too," says Sami, "As far as we know. And he's very good with them."

Caroline cuts to the chase, "Is he good with you, too? How deeply are you getting into this with EJ?"

Madeline sits on the park bench and remembers her conversation with Kate, "God help me... for Chad's sake."

Chad and Will argue. Will tells him to back off the insults about Sami. Chad keeps it up. Will shouts, "At least my mom wasn't a whore like yours was. My mom made mistakes but never turned tricks."

ARE YOU READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBLLLEEE?

Justin and Ciara look at her pictures. Justin decides he would like one of them and mercenary little Ciara charges him a buck. Justin says he'll have to get his wallet, but Ciara says she knows he can't do that because he lost it, "Mommy had it. It was with the other men's wallets under her bed. They're gone now." Justin asks her to keep drawing and goes to talk to Hope. Ciara takes the opportunity to do a sleazy product placement ad for her drawings.

Hope turns into Hopeless. She calls Baker, "I'm baaaccckk..."

Nicole sees Sami inside the pub. She decides she has to find out how much EJ has confided in Sami.

Hopeless asks Baker if he's missed her. "What's not to miss," asks the doc. They decide to meet tonight. Hopeless has big plans. She hangs up, grabs her purse, starts to leave but finds Justin at the door. Stares.

It's a rolling, kicking screaming, punching, pounding guy fight. Chad has Will down. They guys scream back and forth trying to decide whose mom was a bigger slut. A cop comes up and breaks it up, then Will attacks again.

Stefano says, "Nicole is her own worst enemy."

"And banal cliche's are your worst enemy," says EJ, "Actually, Nicole's worst enemy would be me. She is a close second." EJ and Stefano decide it's nice to be on the same team again. EJ says he will always regret what he did to Sami so maybe they should just put things behind them.

Stefano likes the new EJ who seemingly can feel remorse. He worries EJ is heading for a great fall when it comes to Sami, "You are dealing with a potent cocktail of family ties, physical attraction and guilt that can wreak havoc."

Nicole watches as Sami assures Caroline EJ has changed. She says she hasn't forgotten what a bastard EJ has been, but evades Caroline's questions about feelings. Caroline remembers Victor wanted to change but couldn't and thinks that may apply to EJ, too.

Justin asks if Hope is going somewhere. Hope says, "I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head."

"A walk across the hall should do that for you," says Justin. He thinks She's a little overdressed for a walk.

Hopeless asks, "Was I supposed to clear my wardrobe choices with you?"

Justin looks at her black on black on black on black ensemble, "You darn well ought to clear them with someone." He asks about the wallet.

Hopeless explodes, "Dammit! You see. Ciara lies just to get attention." Justin says he thinks she may not be lying. Hope beats him up, "SO! You think I might be the one who is lying."

Stefano wonders if it's a good idea for EJ to open his heart to Sami when she might rip it out if she finds out what he did. EJ insists that won't happen, "Well she's not going to find out what I did, until we've gone through weeks... maybe months, of dragging things out. I'm not an idiot."

"You're in love," says Stefano, "It's the same thing."

Nicole comes into the pub and walks up to the table where Sami and Caroline are sitting. Sami stares daggers, "Hello, Judas." They trade a few wisecracks. Nicole wonders if Sami is on Arianna's side even when she may have attacked EJ or her father. Sami reminds her that EJ is defending Arianna, so that means he probably doesn't think she is guilty. Nicole starts to pry about what Sami knows, but Sami says she's not telling Nicole anything and excuses herself. She walks away, thanks Caroline for the advice and leaves.

Nicole shifts her eyes, "Desperate times... call for desperate measures."

The cop pulls the guys apart again. He recognizes Will as commander Brady's grandson. Will assures him the fight is over so the cop decides not to take them in, and leaves, "That was a close call. I almost got myself into a situation where I would have had to do some work."

Will apologizes. Chad wants to know why Will said that about his mom.

Hope rants. "Dial it down," says Justin, "I'm just worried about Ciara."

Hope says she is worried about her too. She calms down and says she hoped things were better, "Did she say anything about the wallets?"

"Just that they disappeared," says Justin. Hopeless says she just can't understand what's in Ciara's head. One thing's for sure... if she's Bo and Hope's daughter, it can't be a brain. Justin says he's pretty close to Ciara and thinks he can get her to open up. Hope doesn't really want that. She decides to distract him by moving in and kissing him.

Adrienne finds Ciara in the Kiriakis den. Could the setup be more obvious? Adrienne looks at Ciara's pictures and says she's looking for Justin. Ciara says, "He's in Mommy's room."

Stefano suggests EJ send Sami back to her little suburban life, "Elvis... look at Capone, Nixon, Clinton... it's not the crime that got them, but the cover up. Every conversation you have with her is a mine field. Her living here inflames Hernandez. He will keep digging."

"He is incompetent."

"But dogged," says Stefano, "Let Samantha go."

"No."

Stefano tells him he is playing with fire. EJ assures him everything will be fine. "Famous last words," says Stefano.

"No one ever gets the last word on this show," says EJ.

Hopeless and Justin embrace. Adrienne stands at the door and soaks it in.

Will apologizes again. Chad orders, "Say you lied."

"I didn't," insists Will, "If you don't believe me, ask her yourself."

Nicole drinks a martini as Stefano comes into the pub, "I propose a toast to the end of the reign of Nicole Walker. May she rest in peace."

Adrienne watches. Slowly, Hopeless and Justin turn to see her. Oops. Hope tells her she was falling apart and Justin was just trying to help. Adrienne says she's just there to have Justin sign papers and Hope sends them off to do that. She tells Justin she's going back to bed.

EJ sits on the rumpus room couch as Sami comes in. She figures he's preoccupied and starts to go. EJ asks her to stay, "I don't know," says Sami, "It's a general rule of thumb with crime bosses not to interrupt them when they're thinking."

"I was thinking about you," he says, "You've had a tough year. You deserve to be happy." Sami says she's going to focus on that and invites him to the picnic she has planned. EJ chuckles, "You mean like on a date?"

Sami backpedals, "It's not. It's... a date."

Stefano sits with Nicole. He says he wants to offer her a way to get out before everything comes crashing down, "Elvis has the goods on you. He is still upset that you were cruel to a heart that's true and now he thinks you ain't nothin' but a hound dog. I think it's time you shake, rattle and roll your blue suede shoes out of this ghetto before you find yourself singing the jailhouse rock. So, you can get on a bus or back to prison. In other words, you can go on the bus or under it."

Nicole is all shook up, "What does he have on me?"

"Nice try," says Stefano, "What will it be — a fast departure or ten to fifteen without any chance of parole? It's up to you." He leaves. The hard headed woman weighs her options and realizes it's now or never.

Hopeless comes downstairs, checks on Adrienne and Justin and leaves to finish what she started.

She arrives at the poker dive. "It's good your back," says Baker, "My life's not the same without you. I could kill you ex for hurting you."

"Don't worry," sneers Hopeless, "He will pay for what he did to me. I swear to God he will."

Will wants to let things go. He suggests Chad check things out. He insists he's not judging but thinks there is a lot about Madeline Chad doesn't know, including whom she used to be.

Sami says it will be a romantic date with a couple of messy, rowdy preschoolers. She also plans to take the kids, "It'll be just as good as a weekend in Paris." EJ says he's glad he didn't scare her off when he told her he loved her. Sami thinks they should talk about that. And you can bet they will, "The truth is I'm just really confused." Samantha Gene Brady... confused? Next they'll tell us the sky is blue.

"You used to loathe me," says EJ, "Confused is a step in the right direction."

Nicole stands at the park bench and contemplates what Stefano said, "Jail or leaving town... I think I'll go with a third option." Suddenly a heavy walks up. Nicole asks where the Brady pub is. "You just came from there," says Brutus.

"What a genius," says Nicole, "You just tipped me off to the fact you're tailing me."

"SCREAM!! SCREAM!! SCREAM!!"

Madeline is at the pub. Chad meets her. He sits. Madeline looks at the lump of ground sausage he's carrying in place of a face, "Chad, have you been fighting?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Will said you once were a cheap whore. I defended you and told him you've never been cheap."

EJ says he thinks Sami has grown up a lot in the last year. You could almost call her an adolescent now. Sami says, "I still don't know how I feel about you or how you feel about me or how I feel about Rafe or how he feels about me."

Nope. Hasn't reached the adolescent stage yet.

EJ asks if she wants to be more independent. He thinks it's important for the kids to see she does what is important for her. He wants her to be happy, "Even if that means I have to let you go."

A loudspeaker booms, "Code blue in the Ejami section."

A cop has arrived at the park bench to check out the screaming. Nicole says she's a TV celebrity and Brutus was stalking her. She shows her ripped blouse, but doesn't press charges.

Hopeless gives Baker a list of things he has to get for her. Baker looks at it, "OMG!"

EJ joins Sami and Sydney in the rumpus room. He has brought wine for their little non-date picnic. He thinks it will make a good toast to the short time she has spent there. Sami tells him it's not over yet and says he shouldn't be sad. They stare into each other's eyes and... closer... closer... closer...

HONK!

The limo awaits. And with that, Sami Brady now holds the Guinness Book record for the number of times a gal has been 'almost kissed.'

They leave, but forget the food. EJ comes back and picks up the basket. He looks at Stefano's painting, "Father, you're wrong."

The room is empty and we pan to a pair of hands jimmying the lock on the french doors. Nicole comes in, "EJ, if you have proof I will find it." Once again, the expensive state-of-the-art DiMera mansion security system does its job.

Madeline says Chad shouldn't fight, "Things you do when you're young can come back to haunt you."

Chad asks, "Talking from personal experience?"

Madeline asks, "What was the fight about?"

"You," says Chad, "You and dad. The kids think I have it easy going to Wake Forest." He asks how Madeline got through school.

"I managed," says Maddie, "I worked. I got through it and don't want to talk about it. I just don't want you to go through what I did."

Baker thinks the stuff on the list is scary. Hopeless asks, "Didn't you say you could kill that guy for what he did to me? And then you won't have to worry any more." They get closer. "Because my friend... my dear, dear friend... the problems with that man will finally be laid to rest."

There you have it, Ladies and gentlemen. How about that episode of SYTYCWASO? Wasn't that great? As you send in your votes, don't forget that episode was written by some little brain-fried second graders, and please cut them a bit of slack. I mean, if that episode had been written by adults, it would have been a real tragedy but, thank God, no adult could produce the nauseating dreck we just had to endure. And tune in tomorrow for the celebrity installment of SYTYCWASO when the guest writers will be Zippy, Cheetah and the irrepressible Kong.

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