Winos Gone Wild

We were scheduled for an appointment with Norris the satellite-guy yesterday afternoon. We waited with baited breath for his arrival, but unfortunately, I have to report, Norris didn't show. It's really my fault. If I would have checked the town events schedule I would have seen that the "Winos Gone Wild" festival had rolled into town on Friday and will be here all weekend. Ordinarily, this shouldn't mean much, but Norris is the state cow-chip tossing champion five years running and they're holding the championship as a part of the WGW event. I mean, there is no one around these parts who can toss the BS around like Norris.

But, hey, I have to support the WGW festival. Ours is a small town and we don't get many big-time events around here. Well, we did have a bar fight down at the local pub a couple days ago but it just turned out to be some meat-headed has-been race driver sucker punching his father and then threatening to shove a broken beer bottle up his... neck... I think it was. Some one-eyed guy with a pageboy hair-do tried to break it up but only because he was a member of the Sierra Club and the beer the race driver destroyed was brewed with pure Rocky Mountain spring water. It was either that or the fact that the beer had alcohol in it and the pageboy pirate can't stand to see our precious resources destroyed. Anyway, the pageboy almost lost his other eye until the race driver's mother stepped in and threatened never to babysit his kids if he has any. Man, that put a stop to the action right there.

And that's the only excitement we've had here in a long time. Unless you count that little incident down at the clinic (we're too small to have a hospital). It seems a totally comatose patient somehow masterminded a plot to take over the clinic and terrorize the patients. In a very unfortunate error in town planning, the clinic is located right next to our local Mexican dive, La Peeuwwwente. The tragic coincidences in this disaster just keep piling on. See, this was a Tuesday and at La PU (as we call it) every Tuesday is an all-you-can-eat bean burrito feast. Somehow, while still totally unconscious, this guy arranged to have La PU's sanitary exhaust system integrated into the clinic's ventilation system. The resulting catastrophe was so bad we actually got a Page-4 blurb in our big-city newspaper, the Bean Blossom Bugle. Patients at first began complaining of burning eyes, which soon progressed to full-blown hallucinations. They were mysteriously locked in on the first floor and were a pathetic sight as they hung out of the first story windows screaming for help. The local cops got involved but were no match for a comatose guy. The only way the incident was resolved was the lunch crowd left La PU.

So that died down pretty quickly and we just resumed our lives in this sleepy little town where nothing ever happens. This town is so small we only have one two-story building. It has two elevators but since it's only two stories no one ever uses them. Besides they're in the back of the building where the town diva practices her opera lessons and no one wants to go back there while she's wailing away. The ASPCA went back there once, but that was because someone reported a cat had been caught in a blender. I'm sure I don't need to elaborate. Anyway one day it happened. One of the local boys who had faked an injury to win the affections of a girl who once dressed up like a man... I digress. He had to go back and use the elevator. His shocking discovery rocks the town to this day. Apparently, the town diva and her friend had turned those elevators into the town brothel. It turns out the screams back there didn't have a thing to do with opera.

But around here, that stuff is all as out of the ordinary as a plot on DOOL, and when a major event like Winos Gone Wild comes to town, we all have to stand up and take notice. I went over to the festival grounds last night and was not disappointed. Norris had already won the BS hurling contest and was well equipped to be crowned the "Wildest Wino" with his Hummer pickup loaded with Ripple. I finally got a little disgusted and left after seeing all the signs goading the winos to...

"SHOW US YOUR GUTS."
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, Norris learned to read. In the interests of dignity, I won't describe the horrific sight of Norris showing his gut.

I did have time to stop and make an appointment for Norris to POSSIBLY come by the Prevuze Compound on Monday the 29th and attempt to get our dish working. I had enough sense to make the appointment for the morning so that Norris can stop by the Compound on his way home from the bar.

So now, Prevuzers, we have to wait more than another week to find out if we can pick up the new DOOL satellite feed. Hang in there with me and we'll keep you updated. In the meantime have a great weekend and if you get a chance, stop by our sleepy little berg and help Norris and the rest of the winos celebrate.

Disclaimer: "Norris" is a purely fictional character who only happens to have the same name as a real satellite repair technician who lives in the same town where the Prevuze Compound is located and who stiffed the Prevuze team yesterday in favor of doing God knows what. Any similarity between "Norris" the fictional character and any persons living or dead is just a pure damn coincidence.