Honeymoon In An Outhouse

Program note: In today's episode, DOOL introduces new scene transitions, which are simply stunning. Modern technology now allows big-time TV producers to capture the same magic you can produce with a lame PowerPoint presentation at home.

Abby checks the door and tells Chelsea the coast is clear. They can talk because Max is in the shower. Chelsea is surprised Abby didn't hop in the shower with her "ex." Abby suggests the brat tell Bo the truth about the hairbrush. That would be way too reasonable, so Chelsea couldn't possibly do it.

The brat tells Abby Hope already busted Willow for having her jewelry and Willow is in jail right now. Abby thinks that should mean she has nothing to worry about. Well, of course she does. There's that pesky little hairbrush to worry about, which the Salem PD will no doubt test for DNA, but not fingerprints. But, hey, it's cleanliness that's next to Godliness, not thoroughness.

Chelsea doesn't think Bo will believe her if she tells him what happened. Abby insists Chelsea is worrying about nothing. The brat tells her she asked Nick to destroy the evidence.

Nick daydreams at his lab station. He sneaks a peek at Chelsea's photo on the bulletin board. His new lab partner, Mike Roscope walks in and tells him to wake up and get back to work. Mike lectures Nick about how backed up they are. Nick says he has a little extra time and could do the analysis on the brush.

Roman meets Kayla at Chez Rouge. Kayla says she can prove EJ was behind the kidneyapping. She shows him the pictures.

"What is this," says Roman.

"It's Stefano's backside," says Kayla.

Suddenly, Roman loses his appetite, "Why can't you be like other women and just show me pictures of your kid?" Nonetheless, Roman can't believe Kayla went to Italy. He wonders what will happen when EJ finds out. Kayla tells him about her brilliant tactic of calling EJ from the plane to taunt him. Now he's really lost his appetite.

Lucas and Sami meet with Carley from theknot.com. Sami gushes about her green wedding. Lucas turns green. She tells Carley she doesn't want to spend her honeymoon in a trailer, though. Carley reminds her it's a camper, not a trailer.

Regardless, it's not for Sami, "I don't want to spend my honeymoon in an outhouse." EJ watches through the window as Carley frantically searches for something with indoor plumbing. She asks Sami if she brought that exciting article about "Birdseed vs. Wild Rice." Sami says it's in the car and goes to get it.

Outside, EJ stops her. Sami asks why EJ is stalking her. EJ asks if she thought he would fall for the pathetic amniocentesis forgery. Sami claims it wasn't a forgery, but EJ says he has proof. Sami insists he can't have proof since the amnio was genuine. EJ asks, "Will you swear on your baby's life that the test results weren't faked?"

Willow and Phillip meet in the jail visitation area. He tells her he missed finding Claire by one day. He asks Willow why he shouldn't just turn around and walk out. "I'll give you two reasons," says Willow, "Your half sister Billie and that witch of a niece you've got."

Abby can't believe the brat asked Nick to destroy evidence. Chelsea tells her Nick refused to do it anyway. Max comes out of the shower as Chelsea bawls about not having any friends she can confide in. Max thinks she should be able to talk to Nick, but the brat insists he isn't her friend.

Mike Roscope says he should probably run the DNA panel on the brush since Nick is inexperienced at doing that, "but first... I have to have my coffee." Mike runs out for a caffeine fix.

Nick grabs the brush and stares. He imagines Roman standing there in the lab, reading him his rights as Mike gives the play-by-play and laments the fact that half the lab has been arrested for something or other, "Everyone who works in this lab is a felon, a Fallon or both." Nick takes another look at the picture of Chelsea on the wall.

Abby says Max left for an earlier flight. The brat wants to know why Abby and Max didn't hook up, "You're eighteen, so you're legal now." Jack knocks at the door. Abby lets him in. Jack booms, "Abigail, I want to know who that man was who just left your room!"

Roman doesn't think it will help Steve if something happens to Kayla, "Trying to go after the DiMeras by yourself isn't going to help. Stefano has more lives than a cage full of cats." Kayla asks how he would have felt if Bo had gone after Stefano instead of her. Roman wouldn't have wanted Bo to go alone either, "But Bo is a pro. He could have been much more efficient about fouling things up." Kayla tells him she didn't go alone – Max went with her. Roman warns her to stay out of this. Kayla argues. She thinks EJ is after every single Brady, "Including Sami."

Sami refuses to swear. EJ says her doctor confirmed she is lying. Sami says, "Dr. Jacobs would never..."

EJ interrupts, "Discuss your pregnancy with the man she thinks is the father?" Sami is shocked and wants to know why Lucas would talk to her doctor and not tell her.

"You're not the only one keeping secrets, Samantha."

Chelsea says, "The man you saw leaving was the maintenance guy. We turned on DOOL and it was so boring the TV stopped working." Jack is suspicious. He thinks that was some pretty quick thinking. He asks Chelsea if she is staying in NY. She isn't sure. Abby asks for a few minutes alone. Jack leaves.

Abby thanks the brat for covering for her and Max. Chelsea wants to talk about Abby and Max, but Abby changes the subject. She wonders why Chelsea isn't going home. Chelsea asks, "Why would I go back to Salem when the only thing waiting for me is a prison cell?"

Willow insists Chelsea torched Bo and Hope's place. Phillip wonders how Willow knows that. "She practically admitted it to me," says Willow, "She planted the jewelry. She hates me and wanted to pin it on someone the police would think did it."

Phillip pretends to buy it, "So I will get you out of here on one condition... Start form the beginning and don't lie this time."

The PowerPoint transitions just keep rolling across the screen. They must be designed to keep the viewers awake.

EJ wonders if Lucas thinks the baby might not be his. Sami insists Lucas knows it's his. Well, good. That makes one of them. EJ tells her Kate thinks they were together that night. Sami demands he leave them alone. EJ says he can't do that. He caresses her cheek and then begins to pinch it as he says he would never kill her or the baby, "But the people you love... I'd harm them. So watch out. You're coming very close to losing everything." Sami whimpers as EJ pinches harder.

Abby insists the brat won't go to jail, "But if you don't go home, they will think you are guilty." Chelsea tries to remember where she last saw her brush, except for the time Bo was waving it in front of her face in a baggie. She remembers being at the penthouse grill that night. Abby remembers Willow was there. "I knew it," says the brat, "She took my brush and used it to frame me."

Phillip asks if Willow thinks he's dumb enough to buy this.

"You were dumb enough to think Shawn and Belle had left the island with Claire."

Phillip says, "Chelsea would never have started a fire with Hope and her baby sister inside."

"Maybe it was an accident," says Willow.

"Now we're finally getting somewhere," says Phillip, "Chelsea didn't have anything to do with this. It was you."

Sami comes back to join Carley and Lucas. Oops, she doesn't have the article. She says she thinks she left it at home. She tells Carley she isn't feeling well and would like to reschedule. Carley agrees and leaves. Once Carley is gone, Sami takes direct aim on Lucas. She asks him about going to see her doctor, "Why did you lie to me?"

Kayla leaves. Outside, she drops her keys. EJ picks them up and says he wants to chat.

Nick works in the lab. Max comes in. He tells him about seeing Abby and Chelsea in New York, "She seemed kind of a mess Nick."

"It's good to know things are getting back to normal with her," says Nick.

Max says he doesn't know what happened and it isn't any of his business, so he dives in and makes it his business. Max knows how much of a handful Chelsea can be. Nick says that doesn't make it any easier. He just wishes she would get her act together. Max doesn't think she'll ever be able to turn things around.

Ooooooo... A mesmerizing jagged circle transition...

Abby thinks Chelsea should tell her dad. Naw, that would make too much sense. On the other hand, Bo's about as stable as a drunken chimp on a unicycle, so she's probably right. She says she asked Nick to clear her name so they could be together, not just to keep herself out of trouble.

Abby is shocked, "You wanted him to risk his career just so you could be together? Not even Willow charges that much." The referee separates them and deducts two points from Abby's score for hitting below the belt.

Phillip thinks someone must've hired Willow to do the dirty work, "If you want me to come the next time you call, you damn well better tell me who it is right now."

Willow breaks down, "OK-OK-OK! It was EJ Wells."

Lucas tells Sami he didn't lie. He says he got a phone call from her doctor. HE wanted Lucas to come down and discuss the amnio. Sami says, "I didn't get an amnio, and I switched doctors. If there were something to worry about, I would tell you."

Lucas says, "I was trying to protect you. That's what people do when they love somebody right?"

Sami agrees, "But somehow most other people seem to be able to do that without acting like a possessive puppy."

Roman asks Maggie to tell Abby he needs to speak to Max. He tells her about Max seeing Abby in New York. The town busybody is thrilled to hear that news.

Kayla and EJ trade innuendos and threats. EJ wants to know if Roman thought the "evidence" proved something. Kayla says he did. She looks him square in the eye, "Damn you, EJ!"

"Is that the best you can do," asks EJ, "You underestimate me."

Kayla says she could have killed Stefano when she was in the room alone with him.

"Why didn't you," asks EJ.

"Because I am not you."

Willow begs Phillip not to tell anyone what she said. She's scared. Phillip sneers, "You're scared of EJ? Try crossing a Kiriakis." He leaves as Willow screams at him.

"You just compared me to a hooker," says the brat, "But compliments will get you nowhere."

"You asked Nick to sell his soul," says Abby.

"I did not," claims the brat, "My dad will find out the brush is mine and disown me – again. He's disowned me so many times I'm beginning to think I'm Kate and he's Lucas." Jack knocks. Abby wants five more minutes. Chelsea leaves. Jack wants to know what's up. Abby tells him about Chelsea's fight with her boyfriend.

"Her boyfriend," says Jack, "Someone closer to her own age, I trust. Humor me. Channel the sound of my voice, "Mmmaaaxxx Bbbrrraaadddyy iiisss tttoooo ooolllddd."

"What's wrong with older guys," says Abby, "I love you."

"I love you too," says Jack, "Which is why..." Abby stops him and says he can lecture her on the way to the airport."

Chelsea comes back out. Abby insists Bo loves her. She has to stop running away. Chelsea agrees, "But I'm really scared about what will happen."

Max gives Nick the number for the hotel, "You can get in touch if you think she's worth it." Max leaves.

Nick sneaks over to the brush, "She's worth it." He shoves the brush into his backpack.

Lucas apologizes. He says he was trying to protect her. He swears he won't get in her face about being honest any more. He realizes it's a lost cause. He says the thing about the doctor was just a mix-up. He wonders how she knows he was there and then figures it out, "It was EJ, wasn't it?" Lucas blows his stack. Sami claims it's nothing. "If it's nothing, why are you shaking?" Sami says it's because she hasn't eaten. She just wants to go home. Lucas decides to make her lunch there. Sami tells him he has nothing to worry about as they leave.

EJ says he doesn't care what people think of him. Kayla accuses him of being a sociopath. Kayla tells him he doesn't control her, "I'm not giving up until you are arrested and put away where you cannot hurt anyone – in a coffin."

"If you go near my father you will be the one to end up in a coffin," says EJ. He drops her keys on purpose, "Oops." EJ swaggers off.

FF Kayla.

Previews
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Max tells Roman, "As long as the DiMeras are going after my family, I'm not backing down. Not for anyone."

Kate lectures Lucas, "Your bride is the problem. So don't cancel the wedding for my sake. Do it for your sake."

Nick shows Chelsea the brush in a baggie, "Looks like somebody walked away with your hairbrush." Big hug.

Sami tells EJ, "I am not a weak woman. And I know you are not a weak man." Passion ensues.