DOOL's Chloe — Carly Smackdown

I know you are all some mighty busy people and really can't take the time to watch the show every day. As a public service therefore, Prevuze will now bring you up to date by giving you the ENTIRE recap of everything that happened between Carly and Chloe for the past month. A month, I might add which was MAY SWEEPS, and this is what they came up with. Pay close attention; this gets pretty deep (if, that is you consider 'deep' and 'repetitive' the same thing):

Carly: "OMG, Chloe, you had an affair."

Stop the presses! Who in Salem hasn't?

Chloe: "No, I didn't. But it was just one time."

Poor Chloe doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

Carly: "OMG! YOU DID! YOU CHEATED ON DANIEL! I HAVE TO TELL HIM!"

OK, Freeze it! We probably make too many sports analogies on this blog, so not to make a sports analogy... but here's a sports analogy. Unless you have been vacationing on Pluto, you have heard about the world's worst umpire making the worst call in the history of baseball this past week. Detroit Pitcher Armando Galarraga had a rare perfect game going right down to the last out, when the batter hit a ground ball to the first baseman. Galarraga ran over to cover first, the first basemen tossed the ball to him and the batter was out by a mere light year. However the umpire, who will now forever be known as the ump making the worst call in the history of baseball, called the guy safe, ruining the perfect game. I'm sure the ump feels really bad about this and I don't want to make things worse for him but his name is Jim Joyce and his home phone number is 1-800-DIPWAD. Call this number and tell him you're contributing to the fund to get him a seeing eye dog not to mention a clue. But I bear no animosity.

So the point in bringing this up is, if you follow this kind of thing, you have seen this play from every angle possible including shots from the Titan Blimp and the NASCAR Digger-Cam. You have seen it over and over and over again with telestrator drawings and they've even drug out the old 8 x 10 glossies from Alice's Restaurant. Over and over again.

Well, they ain't got nuthin' on the scenes from Carly and Chloe. So the next set of dialog has been an endless loop since the day Carly learned Chloe joined the slut brigade (this time around, that is), and we have seen this scene more times than that bogus call will ever be shown, not to mention at more angles:

Chloe: "You can't tell Daniel. It will ruin our relationship. It will ruin my life."

And you didn't help do that by running out and doing your Phil-andering? Everything is everybody else's fault, isn't it?

Carly: "I have to tell him. Daniel is my friend."

STOP RIGHT THERE! Carly, Daniel isn't your friend. You were his cheap, easy, one-night-stand and the both of you were too stupid to use protection. You were so bad in bed, he never bothered to dish up seconds and managed to avoid you for twenty years. Guys don't call gals like you "friends." They do have names for them, but being a family blog we can't list any of them (slam-hog). I'm sure at one point Daniel was delighted you were "friendly" enough to turn that medical convention into a real anatomy lesson and he was no doubt eternally grateful for your "friendship," at least until he could say, "Wham-bam-thank-ya-ma'am" and get the hell out of your room before having to have an actual conversation with you.

Chloe: (Whining like a revved up Suzuki Ninja) "But he's my fiancée and if he finds out it will ruin my life."

Carly: "I have to tell him. We share a daughter."

And you will burn in hell for bringing Satan's spawn into this world, not to mention the fact that having a daughter with him was so important, you kept it from both him and her for her entire life until a few weeks ago. And dare I mention the fact you cared so much for her that, even knowing you have the shooting skills of a drunk riding a jackhammer, you wielded a gun at her wedding and wound up blowing her boobs off. Or some other body part. You nearly killed her trying to protect her. With you as a guardian angel, she might as well jump off a building and get it over with.

Chloe: "It will ruin Daniel's life, too."

You're doing a good job of doing that yourself, honey. Dang... you drive your husbands to drugs and every time you burn the toast you run out and have an affair to make make it all better.

Carly: "If you don't tell Daniel, I will."

BULLETIN: Archeologists have discovered tablets of stone on Mt. Sinai promoting Carly to the position of God.

So, before continuing, let's recap all this without the verbal diarrhea commentary. (Who was responsible for all that blather, anyway?)

1. Carly: "OMG, Chloe, you had an affair."

2. Chloe: "No, I didn't. But it was just one time."

3. Carly: "OMG! YOU DID! YOU CHEATED ON DANIEL! I HAVE TO TELL HIM!"

4. Chloe: "You can't tell Daniel. It will ruin our relationship. It will ruin my life."

5. Carly: "I have to tell him. Daniel is my friend."

6. Chloe: "But he's my fiancée and if he finds out it will ruin my life. "

7. Carly: "I have to tell him. We share a daughter."

8. Chloe: "It will ruin Daniel's life, too."

9. Carly: "If you don't tell Daniel, I will."

10: Go to #3 and continue to read for about six weeks without stopping.

So that brings you up to date on the Chloe-Carly smackdown. And now, things are about to come to a head. As we left them in yesterday's feed (the episode that will air on Monday), Carly and Chloe are standing at the deadly elevator running through steps 3 — 10 all over again and Chloe has decided it's time for Carly to meet her doom.

Daniel is poised at the bottom of the shaft (which, by the way, Chloe has already given to former husbands Brady and Lucas, and is in the process of giving to Daniel, too). And in the previews for the next thrilling episode, we see Daniel reacting to a big scream. Probably a viewer running out screaming when Chloe and Carly get back into their endless argument.

Could things be any more tense? I'm not talking about this Chloe-Carly-Dan-Elevator thing... I'm talking about waiting for the answer to the question, "What's worse, the recycling of dialog on this show or the call that stupid umpire made?"

As you ponder that dilemma, make it a great weekend.

NOTE – you can now follow Prevuze on twitter at: http://twitter.com/prevuze Prevuze II has a video of the daily show previews, which should be available by noon (EST) on any given day. To see Prevuze II: CLICK HERE