Once I Stopped Trying To Ruin Her Life She Was Nicer To Me

Mesmerized tearful viewers watch as a reporter stands in front of St. Peter's Basilica, "Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed is unprecedented in human history. Usually it takes years to make someone a saint, but there is a little known ceremony known as Sanctification by Acclimation whereby the sacred media can overrule all religious bodies around the world and declare even the lowliest among us... even (just using this as an example, of course) a suspected child molesting, drug-saturated weirdo (just an example, mind you), as a saint. Over the past several days not only have you witnessed this, you have participated in Michael Jackson's Sanctification by Acclimation. We now return you to our NBC special, "Michael Jackson... The Early Years... Third Grade... Second Semester... Day 26..."

BUT... HORROR OF HORRORS!

Instead of returning to the special, NBC announces that it is contractually bound to show some regular programming. Open riots erupt in the streets as NBC switches to DOOL. Crowds chant in the background, "MI-CHAEL! MI-CHAEL! MI-CHAEL!"

Meanwhile, back in Salem...

Kate sits and acts busy. She shuffles through a stack of papers as Lucas tells her Chloe and Daniel were a hit with focus groups. He gets a call and leaves. As he walks off he says, "This could be the start of something big."

Kate mutters, "Not the start of something big – the end."

Daniel and Chloe stand outside her house. Chloe gets woozy and says she has to go lie down. Daniel checks her out. Suddenly Chloe drops like DOOL ratings during sweeps month. Daniel yells, "CHLOE! Chloe, hang on to me. CHLOE!"

Sami goes to order pizza, finds she doesn't have enough money and raids Rafe's wallet, where she finds Emily Hudson's laminated memorial card. Sami stares, "Emily Hudson... September 15, 1978 to March 28 2007." She flashes back to the cemetery and tells herself, "Don't do this. Don't go there."

Topless Rafe with the dangling towel comes out and finds her messing in his wallet, "What are you doing?"

Max gets a call at the pub. It's Bo who tells him he's on the way over to say goodbye. Max says he has something to ask Bo. He hangs up and Caroline comes up to say goodbye. Arianna listens as Max and Caroline yammer about the new manager. Arianna turns and asks, "New manager?"

Max says telling her was on his list of things to do, "The new manager we were planning on hiring is you."

Kate flashes back to poisoning the apple, then to Chloe eating it.* She listens to her doctored (no pun intended) tape. Lucas asks what the recording is about.

*Flashbacks in today's show are justifiable since it has been at least... what... six weeks since they've shown an episode.

Daniel urges Chloe to stay awake while he takes her to the hospital.

Chloe struggles, "I... don't know if I can... stay awake. This is DOOL... no one can stay awake."

Accusing Rafe towers over Sami and wants to know what she is doing in his wallet. Jupiter aligns with Mars. A new age dawns and for the first time ever, Sami is speechless.

Melanie sits in Maggie's kitchen and cries as Nathan comes in. He commits the cardinal sin for guys and asks her what's wrong. She tells him about Max leaving. "Isn't that a good thing," says Nathan, "He's going to be with Chelsea. You two don't get along, do you?"

"Once I stopped trying to ruin her life she was nicer to me," says Melanie, "But my brother is all I have. He's the only one who (sob) cares about me."

"That's not true."

Caroline says she is sorry for springing the manager position on Arianna. She leaves while Max puts on the sales job. Arianna agrees to take the job.

Sami hems and haws around and finally tells Rafe she was looking for pizza money since she didn't have enough. They discover that even with pooling their resources they don't have enough for the order. "I'll go to the ATM," says Rafe, "Will you join me?"

Sami makes a face, "I don't know if I want to trek down to the ATM... OH, YOU MEAN WILL I JOIN YOU IN THE SHOWER!" Sami gets with the program and tells him she'll join him in a minute. Rafe leaves and Sami twiddles Emily's memorial card.

Daniel wheels Chloe into the hospital. Maxine the nurse joins him and helps get Chloe into bed. Usually Daniel doesn't need much help with that. Daniel orders tests while he begs Chloe to stay awake. Lexie watches. She comes up and asks what's going on. Daniel tells her what he knows so far.

Kate tells Lucas she records her strategy meetings with Chloe and Daniel and that's why she has a recording with Daniel on it. Lucas thinks recording meetings is a bit much.

Chloe whines, "It all feels so bad."

Daniel encourages her to stay awake, "I'm right here." Lexie sees how Daniel is reacting and tells him he's too involved in the case.

"In most cases," says Daniel, "A doctor being involved in his patient's case is a good thing. Unless you're the doctor. I want to see this through."

Lexie asks, "Don't you think her husband should be here?"

"Yes," says Daniel, "Have someone call Lucas." Lexie leaves.

Lucas thinks Kate is acting a little nervous. He gets the call from Lexie, who fills him in that Chloe is there. True to DOOL form, however, she won't give him any info over the phone. Lucas rushes off.

Kate calls out to him, "I'm coming." She mumbles under her breath, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

Melanie dives into an ocean of self pity. She says without Max there no one cares about her. Nathan decides to take her to grab a bite to eat after his shower.

Melanie sobs, "We can go to the pub and freeload on my brother one more time." Nathan leaves and Melanie collapses into tears.

Bo has arrived at the pub. Max stammers around and says he has something to ask about Chelsea. "The rumors are true," says Bo, "She's not the world's best driver."

Chloe is in pain. Daniel says he won't give her something for it until they get the blood tests back, "We will get through this."

"I'm glad you're here," whines Chloe.

Lucas and Kate rush into the waiting area. Lexie fills them in on Chloe's condition, but says they can't see her yet. Kate watches through the blinds, "Hopefully, it's already too late."

Rafe kisses Sami and thanks her for backing off, "We both have people in our past we don't want to think about. Let's leave them there and think about our future. Yo mean the world to me. I love you."

"I love you too," says Sami. Rafe leaves to go to the ATM. Sami stares at Emily's card and repeats not so enthusiastically, "I love you, too."

Daniel comes out of Chloe's room and says she is doing better. He says the initial blood work came back negative so he sent it for retesting. Lucas goes in to see Chloe as Kate asks Daniel if there is anything to show what is wrong.

"It's puzzling," says Daniel, "But she was clearly poisoned."

Down by the ATM, Arianna bumps into Rafe and tells him about her new management position. She's frustrated because she figures Rafe and Sami made up and are back together. Rafe assures her Sami has backed off on her quest to find out anything about Emily. Arianna asks, "No more digging?"

"No," says Rafe, "We're going to leave Emily down there unless there is another autopsy. Sami and I agreed to leave the past in the past."

Arianna asks, "And the future?"

"In the future."

"The present?"

"In the present."

"Bygones?"

"We'll let them be bygones."

"I think I'm getting the idea," says Arianna.

Sami sits on her couch, agonizes and tells herself to stop obsessing about Emily. She gets up and goes to her computer, "What am I gonna do?" You're going to do what every red-blooded American does these days, you're going to Google it.

Rafe tells Arianna to cut the sarcasm as she rants about Sami. Arianna snaps back, "Ten to one she's at home right now doing an Internet search."

Sami types, "Em-i-ly Hud-son..."

Max serves coffee and sits with Bo. He says he loves Chelsea and is going to be with her no matter what. He asks about the time Bo didn't approve of their relationship. He wants to make sure Bo is OK with it now, "Can you give me your blessing?"

"No," says Bo, "I won't."

Lucas sits with Chloe. She says she's feeling better. Lucas figures there is one good thing, "You weren't alone. Thank God for Daniel."

"You will never know how many times I've said that," says Chloe.

Daniel says he thinks Chloe will recover as Kate grills hem about being too concerned. "Yes," says Daniel, "I am concerned, Kate. I am her doctor."

Kate walks away, "A little too concerned, Daniel. Perfect."

Bo says his blessing doesn't mean anything, "You don't need my permission or Billie's or anyone else's. It's Chelsea's blessing you need. She won't hesitate to tell you how she feels. And if you ever decide to take it to the next level, as her father... I'll bring the shotgun."

Melanie and Nathan walk into the pub. Melanie overhears, "WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA MARRY HER?"

NBC preempts DOOL for Wimbledumb. If Jacko had died today, Would NBC have stayed with Wimbledon or joined the media frenzy? Just askin'.

Kate walks into Chloe's room, "You really were out to steal the spotlight tonight Chloe." Chloe thinks it's a miracle she feels better. "Thank God Dr. Daniel was by your side," says Kate.

Maggie gets on Daniel for snapping at Kate. Daniel says just because Kate knows about him and Chloe doesn't give her carte blanche. He says he will stay as Chloe's doctor.

Lexie comes up with the blood tests and hands the results to Daniel. He takes a look, "This can't be possible."

Bo and Nathan get out of the line of fire as Melanie lectures Max about marrying Chelsea. Max says if that happens it won't be soon, "And if I decide to ask her..."

Melanie interrupts, "She'll say yes before you finish the question."

"I thought you guys made up," says Max, "You should have known if I was moving to London..."

"She will change you, Max," sobs Melanie, "You won't care about people the way you used to. I know I'm being selfish but I love you, Max." Hugs.

Bo asks, "So, you've heard about... Melanie."

"I've heard," says Nathan.

"I'll be darned," says Bo, "And you're still in Salem."

Melanie tells Max it feels like he's abandoning her. Max insists, "I'm not abandoning you. It's more like I'm running away from you as fast as I can. But that new Horton guy is paying you a lot of attention."

"We're not the best of friends," says Melanie.

"Chelsea and I weren't best friends at first either," says Max, "It was more of an uncle-niece kind of relationship."

"Shhh," scowls Melanie, "You'll jinx it."

Caroline announces the taxi has arrived.

"The tests show nothing," says Daniel. He and Lexie can't figure out what's going on. Daniel decides to call a specialist. Maggie eavesdrops.

Kate says, "Daniel will say on top of this until he finds out what is wrong." Chloe decides she wants another doctor. Kate doesn't think that's a good idea.

Lexie leaves. Maggie comes up to pry. Daniel tells her he's going to find another doctor. He apologizes for what he said earlier.

Rafe assures Arianna, "Sami isn't at home searching the Internet. Just the part of it that talks about Emily. Sometimes I feel like I should tell her..."

Sami stares at her monitor, "Why are there so many Emily Hudsons?" She searches again, "Maybe if I narrow the search... Emily Hudson... Salem... Neanderthal..."

Bo and Max say their goodbyes. Then Melanie and Max. Then Caroline, "I know OMB is looking down on you. In fact we all look down on you." Max leaves. Outside he looks back and waves. Inside the girls cry. Bo looks to the heavens, "Thank you, God, I finally found a sucker who will put up with the little brat."

Kate encourages Chloe to keep Daniel as her doctor. Chloe still wants to change. Kate leaves. Outside she huffs and stews.

Daniel says, "I know being this close helps Kate twist the knife and that won't help Chloe."

Maggie insists, "There is no way Kate would tell Lucas. I'm more likely to drop a bomb like that."

Kate looks through the blinds into Chloe's room, "You had a horrible day, Chloe, the next time will be much worse."

Meanwhile, Allie sits in the center of the Mayor Moron-o Memorial freeway and plays jacks as cars whiz by.

Rafe says he trusts Sami, "She has told me all about her past." Translation: he won't live long enough to get the details on Sami's past. Rafe says he would never do anything to hurt Arianna. He decides he has to go.

As he leaves Arianna says, "I know you love Sami and are trying to protect her."

"I know," says Rafe, "I loved Emily, too."

Sami searches. She hits pay-dirt, "Emily Hudson and Raphael Hernandez are set to wed March 28, 2007... OMG! She died the day she was supposed to get married!"

One NBC executive turns to another, "Man! I thought that crowd was going to burn our studios down."

"If you think that was bad," says the other NBC executive, "Wait until they find out we're preempting DOOL to show Wimbledumb."

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