The Bimboization Of Sami Brady

"DAD! DON'T SHOOT ME!"

Those were the first words, as I recall, we heard from teenage delinquent Sami Brady as she sneaked into her house upon returning to Salem. Her dad, supercop Roman Brady, looking a bit different than he does today,* thought someone was breaking into the house and nearly blew her into Another World.

*(In fact, I'd have to say present day Roman looks more like Chris Kositchek — but let's not go there).

After that auspicious introduction we all got to know the conniving, test-switching, man-drugging, sibling-hating little brat who came this close to selling her baby sister on the black market — not to mention her foray into the world of medicine when she attempted the world's first ballistic vasectomy... Among many, many other things.

You just didn't mess with Sami Brady. How bad was she? Well, in 2002, Ali Sweeney won a Daytime Emmy as America's Favorite Villain for her portrayal of nasty Samantha.

Somewhere along the line, though, things went bad. The writers turned America's Favorite Villain into America's Most Irritating Thirtysomething Sniveling Adolescent.

Today, if you mess with Sami Brady make sure you do it in your garden and you can save on your water bill. For God's sake, in yesterday's episode the insecure needy child asked her grandmother whom she should marry and got mad when Grandma told her to think for herself. Well I should guess she would get mad. After all, that would require independence and... thinking.

This whole Sami-Rafe-EJ Cryangle could play with just about the same dialog if it was Sami the teenage bimbo trying to decide who should be her date to the junior prom.

Eighteen year old EJ sits on the dock with a fishing pole in his hand and a few tricks up his sleeve. Sami bops up to the pier jivin' to NKOB on her new Sony Walkman. She sees EJ in his goofy fishin' hat and breaks into laughter, "EJ, you don't fish!"

"It's not that funny," says EJ, handing her a pole, "I thought it would be something we could do together. Look, you've got a bite already. Reel it in."

There's nothing on there," says Sami, "You can tell when you have a fish on the line because you can feel it tugging."

"Oh, I've got something on the line," thinks EJ, "You just don't realize it yet."

"Some fish are passive," he says, "Like viewers of this show have to be in order to endure this crap." He helps her reel in the line.

Oh my gosh," says Sami, "There is something on the line."

EJ unhooks a set of keys, "These are the keys to the Pontiac Fiero Father just gave me. You can't turn down a date to the prom when you'll be riding on a set of wheels like that. Please, make me happy for all the Days Of Our Lives and say you'll go to the prom with me."

"EJ," says Sami, "We talked about this. We agreed you wouldn't put me on the spot like this because you know Rafe asked me to the prom. I... I can't go with you. Besides, Rafe's 1986 Granada may be old, but at least it has a back seat. That Fiero is so small we couldn't even hold hands in it..." She runs off crying.

Sami finds Grandma Caroline at the pub. She tells her both Rafe and EJ have asked her to the junior prom, "Grandma, I don't know who to go with... Please, make my decision for me. DON'T MAKE ME DECIDE FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

"Of course I won't make you decide," says Caroline, "Decisions are for adults and I would never want to put you through something so traumatic as having to act like an adult. And in this case the decision is simple. You'll be going to the prom with Rafe."

"Oh, Grandma," whines Sami, "Thank you so much for relieving that pressure, but what about poor EJ? Now he doesn't have a date."

"I guess I'll just have to step in and go with that gorgeous hunk of young flesh myself," says Caroline, "It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it."

"Oh, Grandma," says Sami, "You're such a trooper. But you're so much older than EJ."

Caroline corrects her, "Experienced, Sami. I'm experienced. But I think there is something else you should know..."

"I know what you're going to say," says Sami, "You're going to tell me I'm being shallow because age should not matter. It's how two people feel about each other and treat each other that counts. And we all need to learn to respect each other just as we are and not worry about superficial things like an age difference. Right?"

"Hell no," says Caroline, "I was going to say I know EJ just turned eighteen and he's legal."

I've got to believe Sami's retrogression into childhood is probably irreversible. The writers have so damaged this once spunky character that things may never change. It makes you wish you had a time machine doesn't it? We could all go back in time to that Friday cliffhanger with Roman pointing his Glock at her and scream...

"SAVE US ALL THE MISERY, ROMAN, PULL THE TRIGGER!"

And with that, gang, it's time to institutiate weekendification.

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