A Quickie In The Confessional

Jeremy and Stephanie bring Danielle and Jett up to date on their encounter with Steve, a.k.a. "The Cyclops," a.k.a. "Poppa Bear" in the bar. Jeremy tells them Patch invited them to dinner, but he thinks he'd better bring a food taster with him, "He's way too interested in his daughter's sex life, but we're best buds, now."

Stephanie tires of the conversation, "Let's go hit the surf, Moon Doggie."

Jeremy asks, "Moon Doggie? OK. Right behind ya, Gidg."

Once they are gone, Danielle asks Jett how she is doing as his fiancée. Jett mocks the academy awards, "And the Oscar for best performance as my bride-to-be goes to..."

Danielle uses her marshmallow stick as a microphone, "I'd like to thank the academy, God, my mom and dad, and my husband..." Jett thinks Mark would like to have his wife back soon, but he really appreciates her help. Danielle asks, "And what about Chelsea-licious? What are you casting her as?"

Chelsea thinks Nick is distant. Nick claims he is fine as he mushes his ice cream. Chelsea says if that's the case he has to help her figure out how to tell Jett his fiancée is cheating on him. Nick utters a phrase rarely heard in Salem, "It's none of our business." Well, that's just too bad and the little brat is telling him anyway.

Bo and Hope make small talk about the way the party went. Bo stops working for a few minutes to relax. Translation: Bo is horny. He moves in on Hope.

"Awright you two! Break it up," booms Doug. He and Julie have just arrived with some of the translated letters.

Hope is thrilled. "Could this wait about five minutes," asks Bo.

John and Marlena follow Doug and Julie in. Julie opens one of the letters. We sit on the edge of our seats in anticipation.

Meanwhile, back at Sami and Lucas' safe house hovel, Roman hands Sami a copy of the letter. He hasn't read it yet, but he thinks it may answer a lot of questions. Sami suggests Roman stay and read the letter with them, but Roman has business.

Sami is all over that, "Business... or Anna?" Roman tells his daughter to have a little respect. "Anna," says Sami. Roman tells them to be safe and leaves.

Lucas scarfs down the food Roman brought from the picnic as Sami reads the letter, "Dear Signore DiMera, I hope this letter finds you well despite the terrible wound you took on the head the day we met..."

Colleen prays in the sanctuary. A couple of blokes haul an unconscious Santo in and tell her he is in great need of medical attention. It seems he got into a bar fight over the latest derby winner. We don't have a clue who won the derby but it's for sure Santo lost the fight. They removed the shillelagh from his brain before bringing him there. There is an old Irish custom: When someone gets the crap beat out of him, you take him to a nun, not a doctor. Colleen removes Santo's bandage as O'Toole says, "I'll be tellin' ya sister, if this poor soul dies without his last rights, he'll be goin' straight to the devil."

Jett insists Chelsea is nothing to him. Danielle tells him to watch his back when it comes to Jeremy. Gidget and Moon Doggie come running up. Jeremy stops short, shakes his hair and gets Jett wet.

"Cut it out, dog," says Jett.

"Only I get to call him a dog," says Stephanie.

"You do and you're in for a spanking," says Moon Doggie.

"Oooooo," squeals Gidget, "Promises... promises."

Danielle has had enough. She says she's headed for the hotel. Lucky Danielle. She gets to leave and we don't. Jeremy decides she and Jett can't leave until they get wet.

"Wet and wild," says Gidget.

They insist they have to get back. Jeremy accuses them of acting like an old married couple, "That reminds me flyboy... When are you gonna ask me to be your best man?" Jett chuckles.

Nick and the brat argue about whether or not she should tell Jett. "Come on," she asks, "If you had a girlfriend cheating on you wouldn't you want to know?"

"Uh, you're my girlfriend."

"Hypothetically."

"No."

"So," says Chelsea, "You prefer ignorant bliss?"

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

Marlena says, "Imagine... Colleen Brady, a nun."

John stops her, "No... technically a novice... just like I was at your wedding when I was sneaking around trying to blow Alex' head off."

Bo says it would be a blessing for an Irish-Catholic family to have a daughter become a nun. Marlena says it would be a disgrace, though, for her to renounce her vows. Doug agrees, all they really know is Santo was hit on the noggin. Julie wonders if Doug seriously thinks Colleen wrote the letter just to inquire about Santo's heath. Hope pipes in, "No way. This was a love story."

They continue to speculate and finally Julie remembers they actually have the letter in front of them and they could actually read it to find out what happened instead of wasting all this time. Julie reads on, "You lay there in the church, so pale, so still. I feared for your life. What joy I felt when you opened your eyes. But when you spoke and I heard the musical language of DaVinci, Dante, Capone and Gotti, I was left quite breathless." Julie sighs, "Oh my... I don't think Colleen was exactly shy."

Colleen has O'Rourke get the holy water to clean Santo off. O'Toole suggests saving some for the last rights. Colleen reminds the heathen a novice can't give the last rights. She sends them to get the doctor while she tends to the poor guy. As they leave, Santo falls into a heap in her lap. Colleen says, "Stop, Lucas, we can't do this!" and prays that he will be all right.

Jett tells Moon Doggie they haven't set a date yet. Moon Job says, "And miss a whole year of wedded bliss? You know it's the first year that's sweet. After that it's all downhill." He suggests taking them to a chapel the next time they are in Vegas.

"Wow," says Gidget, "Doesn't that scream romantic."

"Throw in a bottle of champagne and an Elvis impersonator and we're all set," says Moonie.

"For what? A freak show?"

"Come on," says Moon Doggie, "What do you say? Viva Las Vegas, baby?" Elvis rolls over in his grave. Jett and Danielle say they will get back with them. They leave.

Stephanie turns to Jeremy, "So, did you mean what you said? Life's too short not to get married." Jeremy turns to stone. Stephanie guffaws, "GOT YA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jeremy still doesn't recover.

The brat insists if she were trying to tell Nick something he would know. They continue to argue until Chelsea pulls out her phone to make the call. Nick yanks it from her and says she doesn't want to do this if she wants to stay friends with Jett. Then he changes his mind, "Oh, go ahead, tell him." He shoves the phone at her.

"What am I supposed to do," asks Chelsea.

"This," says Nick. He plants one on her. She backs off. Nick says, "I want to spend the night with you."

Chelsea says, "I'm sorry, Nick. It's not going to happen."

Sami "Stop – We can't do this " Brady. Tells Lucas she can sympathize with Colleen. "Ooo laaa laaa, I love an Italian accent."

Lucas reminds her that "Ooo laaa laaa" is French... So because of some Italian accent, your trampy great aunt broke her vows?"

Sami takes exception to the word "trampy" and insists Colleen was only a novice so she didn't break her vows. Lucas thinks she committed a multitude of sins.

"That's it," says Sami as she grabs his cheese doodles, "YOU'RE CUT OFF! No more food for you, either."

Sami begs him to imagine Colleen's situation. She has led a sheltered life in a small town and this exotic stranger comes in and sweeps her off her feet. Lucas doesn't think Santo was in shape to do much sweeping. "All it takes is a look," says Sami.

"Then how come you were attracted to me," asks Lucas, "But if Colleen left the church because of Santo, the Bradys would have a vendetta against the DiMeras, not the other way around. That's disgusting"

"Lucas, you're right," says Sami, "If Santo took her away, he didn't just take her away from her family. He took her away from God!"

Some guy in the audience gets up, yells, "JUST READ THE DAMN LETTER," and runs out screaming.

Colleen sits with Santo cradled in her lap and prays.

Finally she says, ""Sir, can ye hear me? Open yer eyes."

Santo opens his eyes and utters something in Italian. Roughly translated he says, "Holy Mary, what a hottie!"

Colleen tells him to mind his tongue. He is amazed she can understand Italian. "Yer in The House Of The Lard, here," says Colleen, the Blessed Veergin is no stranger." They trade compliments about each other's language. They make the formal introductions. She likes his name, "Santo... it means 'Saint.' Ye must be a very good man to weer such a name."

"Eet ees a deefecult one to leeeve up to," he says.

She puts a band aid on his head and all is cured. She has him stand up and tells him he's none the worse for wear, pulls out her cell phone and makes a call, "Cancel the last rights."

"Colleen," he asks, "You weeel peermit me to call you that? How long beeefore you take your final vows?"

"It will be soon." She runs off.

Doug wonders why a novice about to take her vows would write love letters. Bo doesn't think this is a love letter. Hope insists the love is there. John thinks they are all projecting themselves into this young girl's past. Marlena thinks they are reading between the lines and the message is love. Julie finally gets back to the letter, "Signore DiMera, I know it must seen forward writing to you this way. I chose to write in Italian because, to be frank, Mary O'Hallahan at the postal office has shown herself to be far too curious. I am sitting in the chapel, not just for privacy, but for direction. It has never been my want to write to a man I barely know, until you granted me that rare purpose." Hope swoons.

Santo explains he is there because his family is in the import-export business. He thinks she should come to Italy. He will give her the grand tour.

Colleen cuts to the chase, "And would yer wife be comin' with us on this grand tour?"

"How did you know I had a wife>"

"I didn't."

"She is in Tuscano," says Santo, "With my son, Stefano. She makes many of the things I sell." He hands her a hankie.

"Your wife is very gifted." She asks how his head is doing.

He says it is better, "You are my savior."

"God is your savior."

Lucas munches and says, "Just get to the part where the guy gets the girl in bed, OK?"

Sami huffs, "This is not DOOL! This is a letter written by a woman devoted to God and her faith. Momentarily, anyway."

"Yeah," says Lucas, "With a little Italian seasoning on the side."

Sami reads on, "Our first meeting was odd. I was as clumsy as a duchess milking cows. But we seem to be 'simpatico,' which gives me the courage to put pen to paper as I have a great favor to ask. Taking advantage of our short acquaintance, the favor has to do with your wife back in Tuscano."

They can't believe she knows he has a wife. Lucas thinks she should tell her simpatico traveling salesman to take a hike. Sami accuses Lucas of making it all about sex, "They just both seem like really nice people."

"I know," says Lucas, "Your neighbor could be a really nice person and the next thing you know he's got a freezer full of people-pops chillin." Sami tells him to shut up and eat his chicken. The only way to get Lucas to stop talking is to get something in his mouth.

"Your kind eyes and the lovely things you said about your wife and son back in Tuscano is what led me to write this letter."

Santo wastes no time, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." Colleen thinks the whack to the noggin did something to his brain to be saying such things to her. Santo comes up with one of the all time brilliant pickup lines, "God brought me to this place to find you."

Colleen thinks this is blasphemy. "Then let the Lord come for me," says Santo, "Because I have seen heaven on earth." Hey, she's a small town nun. She hasn't heard lines like this before.

Moon Doggie predicts Jett and Danielle won't last, "A few parties in Vegas and he won't even remember her name."

"I hope that's not how you feel about me," says Gidget.

Moon Doggie says, "Keeps you on your toes, doesn't it?" The oil slick oozes back into the water. Stephanie looks like Little Bo Peep without her sheep.

Chelsea insists they can't spend the night together because there is a house full of people, "Come on, remember you didn't want to do it at Maggie's because you didn't want to disrespect her." Hoisted on his own petard.

Nick presses. Chelsea just isn't in the mood. Nick nukes, "You know, Chelsea, after all the crap we've been through, you could just pretend like you care."

Father Mallory comes into the sanctuary uttering Irish curses. Colleen stops him long enough to introduce Santo. They explain Santo was impaled by Mr. Finn's shillelagh. Father Mallory says he has been on the business end of that shillelagh himself.

"We're you hurt father?"

"It was only a glancing blow," says Father Mallory, "And I made sure he made up for it at collection the next Sunday." He takes Colleen aside, "Speaking of which, see if you can get him to make a donation in return for all the medical treatment he's been getting at our expense."

"I've often wondered about that," says the novice, "If God is all-powerful, how come he always needs money?" Father Mallory leaves the novice to ponder these things.

Colleen tells Santo, "Ye have to go, while the goin's guude."

Nick and the brat argue over sex and Jett. He throws in the hairbrush for good measure. He stole it because he loves her. She thinks it isn't even an issue any more. Nick huffs, "This could be the biggest mistake of my entire life."

Santo thinks he shouldn't leave before Colleen gives him his last rights. Colleen says, "The Lard has chosen to spare ya. Far be it from me to question his chice. Now begonewitcha."

He starts to leave... BUT WAIT! She stops him. She says she doesn't know what kept the doctor, but he should have his head examined. He should have that nasty cut looked at, too. He says he will do it later and leaves. She picks up the handkerchief and stares. Father Mallory comes out and asks, "And what do you have there, Colleen Mary?"

"You are not going to believe the favor Colleen asks of Santo," says Sami.

"What," asks Lucas, "A quickie in the confessional?" Sami gives him a look. That's certainly more than Lucas is going to get.

Sami reads on, "I pray you won't think me forward asking a favor on such short acquaintance. But I so admired the silk handkerchief your wife made that I'd treasure having one for my da. He's worked hard all his life and never had a bit of luxury to call his own. Perhaps you might bring one to me and I could pay you for it."

Lucas gets it. The great handkerchief rebellion is the cause of the feud. Sami tells him to stop being a doofus. He would but, hey, it's Lucas. He can't help it. Sami tells him its not about the hankie, but she wanted to see him again. "No," says Lucas, "I think she really wanted a hankie for her dear old da."

"That's because you're a pin head," says Sami.

"Well," says Lucas, "I guess that's one step up from being a pig head."

Colleen tells father Mallory Mr. DiMera left his handkerchief. Father Mallory inspects it and admires the quality. Colleen suggests finding Santo in the infirmary and returning it.

"Oh, that won't be necessary, my dear," says Father Greed.

Stephanie, the sadder-but-wiser girl, weeps by the fire. Jett comes up. He wonders what Jeremy did to her this time. "Listen," says Stephanie, "Danielle is a keeper, OK? Whatever you do, don't lose her." She walks off.

Chelsea thinks the brush is history. Nick doesn't, "Someone besides Billie, Bo and Roman knows about the brush and said they would get me fired if I didn't do what they wanted." The brat wonders who. "Trust me," says Nick, "You don't want to know."

The brat turns up the heat, "Oh, sure, you'll sleep with me but you won't share things with me."

"OK," he snorts, "It's your grandma Kate." He leaves, SLAM!

Father Mallory insists if Santo wants his handkerchief, he will return for it. He leaves. Colleen runs to a cabinet and gets pen and paper, "Perhaps a leetle leetter would hasten his return."

Sami and Lucas argue over whether he's a pin head or a pig head. She thinks what happened next is in Santo's letter to Colleen. Lucas rubs her shoulders and tells her to read. He wants something romantic.

Doug, Julie and the gang all speculate about the letter. John says, "I say any man who can get a nun to crack a smile has got to be firing on all cylinders." Bo, Doug and John all have a big ole guy back-slappin' time over that one.

Bo says, "But, she wasn't a nun yet. She hadn't taken her vows."

Hope says, "Oh, I'm sure she never did. One thing we do know... this just can't have a happy ending." We spiral into the letter from heaven. FF letter.


Previews
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Sami tells Lucas, "You're not giving Colleen enough credit. She took a long look at Santo and knew exactly what she wanted."

The Irish galute cocks a fist at Santo and screams, "The Almighty himself couldn't stop me." Colleen rushes in dragging a little boy, "Stop it right now. You leave Mr. DiMera alone or you'll answer to me!"

Shawn Sr. holds a picture of Colleen and says, "Colleen Mary, I pray that you've found peace, and that you've forgiven me."