Poisoned Anyone Lately?

In keeping with its new tradition of showing the exact same scene we saw at the end of the show the day before, word for boring word, shot for boring shot, we start out today with Sami searching for EJ in the DiMansion.

We pan across the bed strewn with wedding presents, disheveled blankets, a gun and, oh yeah, EJ. Sami calls for him and walks into the room, "EJ where are you... where..." She finds him, "Wake up! I am not letting you take my children from me!" She sees the gun and has a series of flashbacks including EJ telling her their baby is dead and then that he loves her. It all swirls into a gooey mess of mental images and sounds. She walks over, picks up the gun and ponders. She points, takes a deep breath and...

ZIP!

Nicole rambles in frustration as she tries to pour the last drops out of an empty bottle of booze, "I hate clean living people!"

Daniel comes out, "Could you make a little more noise? I know that you're upset but..."

"Upset," says Nicole, "It's more than a bad hair day. EJ DiMera knows I ratted him out and he wants me dead."

Daniel lays down the law, "In spite of that fact, I am letting you stay with the apartment I share with my pregnant fiancée because she is your friend. BUT if you don't keep a low profile and learn to say please and thank you, you're out on your ass!"

Nicole settles down, "It won't be for long, OK? And EJ won't be a threat to you and Chloe because I won't have a moment's peace in my life until I take care of him permanently."

Stefano and Kate are at the pub. Stefano is on the phone, "Excellent. We'll be right there." He gets off and tells Kate the boat is ready and they can go. Nope. Kate wants to talk. Stefano says they can talk on the boat. "I'm a woman," says Kate, "Talking can't wait. This whole thing has been an absolute disaster and now you want to go hide out on the boat. Sami has the CD and she will use that against me with Will. She's probably with her lawyer right now making sure EJ loses any rights he has to his children." Close. She's with a lawyer right now making sure he loses a big chunk of his skull. Kate doesn't think Stefano and EJ will let that happen and she wants to know what the plan is.

"There is no plan," says Stefano, "But if there were a plan or if one develops, the first part of the plan will be GETTING TO THE FREAKIN' BOAT!"

Kate flashes back to hearing EJ tell Stefano he should have taken his children and left a long time ago, "If there is no plan, then why are you so anxious to get me on the boat."

"Maybe I'm horny."

"Well," says Kate, "I was thinking maybe EJ is considering grabbing the children and disappearing, and that will happen over my dead body."

I hope he's taking a nanny since he'll have the kids," says Stefano.

Speaking of dead bodies, Sami surveys her handiwork. It's a little messy, but for her first execution-style murder, it'll do.

Doc Jonas tells Nicole the thing that gets him about people like her and EJ is when they get mad at someone they don't talk about getting back by slashing tires or something, they talk about killing. Nicole reminds him his godfather is one of those type people. Daniel tells her it's icky to watch someone die, "Especially when you know what it will do to your malpractice insurance rates."

Nicole opens the door and drags George in. She asks what is being done about EJ DiMera. George tells her charges are being considered. "CONSIDERED," shrieks Nicole. She demands George call Rafe right now.

Meanwhile, back in the crypt, Vivian tells Gus Maggie Horton has been asking for this, "She's been trying to get at me through Victor. She's one of those women who thrives on the destruction of other women."

"Who does that," asks Gus.

"Maggie Horton," snorts Vivian, "Why can't you keep up?"

"Because I can't get over the fact they named this thing after me," he says.

"What thing," asks Vivian.

"This sarcopha-GUS."

"Maggie won't be tossing her curls when she's locked inside of it," says Vivian. Gus suggests if she's worried about losing Victor, perhaps she should spend a little more time at home instead of in the crypt. "My home is lost to me thanks to Maggie," says Vivian, "But once she is dispensed with, I'll turn my home into a... love nest."

Victor and Maggie are in the Kiriakis den. Vic is worried about Brady, "He's trying to differentiate between drugs and alcohol. That's not good, right?"

"A recovering addict," says Maggie, "is supposed to stay away from anyone or anything that threatens his sobriety."

"Then why is he living in Salem," asks Victor. He wonders how they can help Brady. Maggie tells him Brady has to want to help himself. Victor hates that. Maggie suggests he could back off from sandbagging Brady emotionally. Victor looks at the stuff on the table, "You don't approve of renditions of Isabella's memorial lying on the coffee table?"

"I'm sure Vivian means well," says Maggie, "Or maybe she's making him feel the loss of his mother all over again."

"She's just doing this to score points with me," says Victor.

"Is it working?"

"I'll tell you what does work," says Victor, "is someone who wants to help my grandson, has his back and wears low-cut blouses."

"That makes it awkward for me to tell you what I was going to tell Brady," says Mags, "I'm thinking about going away for awhile." Victor huffs.

EJ twitches. EJ bleeds. Goop oozes. Sami stares.

Brady is with Chloe at the Cheatin' Heart. Chloe declines more ginger ale because she thinks her drinking is enabling Brady to drink. That and the fact there is a long line in the women's room. Brady defends his drinking and tells her not to worry about him. Chloe reminds him she is the reason he got hooked on drugs in the first place, and the reason Daniel will soon follow down that same rocky path. Brady insists she's not responsible. Her constant whining was responsible. Chloe brings up Nicole. Brady don' wanna talk about her. Chloe tells him Nicole is at her apartment right now with an armed FBI guard. Brady says Nicole is the type who will always be scared, always be causing problems, "That's why I have to stay away from her. She's on her own."

George insists if EJ wanted Nicole to be dead, she'd be dead. She reminds him the only reason she's alive is that Daniel arrived just after EJ strangled her, "What am I supposed to do if he wants to kill me tomorrow night. Am I supposed to let him do it because you're too lazy to wake up Rafe Hernandez and tell him he blew it?"

Daniel separates the pair before they come to blows. He tells Nicole George will be right outside and Rafe will be there in the morning.

Stefano tries to convince Kate he's leveling with her. He reminds her he's there with her instead of being with Elvis, "You think I want him to run away with the grandchildren? Samantha Brady is out of Elvis' life now and I could not be happier. So he's not going to do anything with the children. In fact, he's not going to do anything tonight. It's tough to do something once you are dead."

In yet another exciting DOOL scene, Rafe rolls over.

EJ, on the other hand, lies motionless. Sami stares. She turns to leave and as she does, she sees her despicable self in the mirror, "OMG! Now I've broken all ten commandments!" She runs as we pan in on EJ's lifeless body in the mirror. Oh, the artistry of it all!

Gus has procured a handwriting expert for Vivian, who has swiped some of Maggie's stationery. Vivian rambles on about how she'll use that to leave Victor a note about Maggie leaving.

Maggie tells Victor after Mickey died she didn't want to be anywhere the two of them had been together. However, since he was never around, I guess that means she could go practically anywhere. But now Maggie thinks she's recovered and can even take the trip she and Mickey were planning just before he died, and do it by herself.

"I think that's... lovely," says Victor.

"I've never heard you call anything lovely before," says Maggie.

"I hate the whole idea," says Victor, "I don't want you to go alone."

Brady says he can't believe he hooked up with Nicole again, "What she did to Arianna was ridiculous and I don't even want to think about what she did to you." Chloe tells him they are friends again. Brady takes her hand, "Do me a favor. You've got a good man, you've got a baby on the way. Don't let Nicole screw it up."

Nicole comes into the living room with a book. She flashes back to giving one to Sydney. EJ opens it and Nicole says, "Oh, It's Mother Goose." Suddenly, she squeals and bolts up out of her chair, "I said 'Mother Goose,' EJ, not 'Goose Mother.'"

Daniel comes out and finds her crying. Poor Daniel, between Chloe and Nicole, he's shipwrecked in a sea of hormones. Nicole tells him she used to read to Sydney, "She was going to be the smartest girl in school. I had so many plans for her."

Sami staggers at the pier holding her silencer-equipped Glock. She remembers EJ proposing to her there and zones out.

Nicole remembers Daniel doing her first ultrasound, then spirals into the abyss of despair as she remembers her miscarriage, "But I know I will land on my feet again."

"Just be careful," says Daniel, "The floors are really slippery from all the tears."

Kate asks, "How do you know EJ isn't going to do anything?"

"Because," says Stefano, "The last time I saw Elvis he was dead drunk. Now he's just dead dead. No one is going to do anything hasty tonight."

It's a thrill-a-minute as Rafe rolls back onto his right side.

Sami stares at the pistol, ponders her dastardly deed and flings the gun into the river, where the toxic sludge will disintegrate it in no time. Sami runs off.

Vivian paces around the crypt and dictates Maggie's farewell letter to Victor. She admonishes him to be grateful for the love of his life Vivian. Gus clears his throat and stops her. He tells her he thinks she's just a bit over the top with the stuff about herself and also thinks Maggie wouldn't say anything like that. Vivian reluctantly scraps the first version of the letter, "Maggie's letter to Victor... take two. Dearest Victor... Between us, it's goodbye, end of the road, last roundup." She looks at Gus and rolls her eyes.

Maggie smiles, "I know why you don't want me to go... Don't worry. I will make sure Brady is in good hands."

"Better than yours," says Victor, "since he's now drinking like a fish." Victor tries to get her to reconsider the trip, but... phonus interruptus. He ends the call and tells Maggie it was business and excuses himself.

Chloe returns to Hormone Heaven. Or, with the two of them there, perhaps we should call it Whore-Moan Heaven. She asks why there are so many guards outside. "Nicole has been a busy girl," says Daniel. Nicole tells Chloe about the CD.

"OMG," gasps Chloe, "Does Sami know."

"Yeah," says Nicole, "And EJ knows that Sami knows and he knows I am the reason she knows."

"What are you going to do," asks Chloe, "Long term."

"If EJ gets his hands on me, my term may not be that long," says Nicole.

Daniel and Chloe waltz off to bed. Nicole makes a call.

EJ lies in state.

Sami returns, strips down and jumps in bed. Don't get excited, guys. What she has on underneath is less revealing than a pair of baggy sweat pants. As she settles back, Rafe gets a call.

Stefano tries to reassure Kate, saying he'll handle Elvis and their grandchildren will be fine. Kate thinks that's a tall order and flashes back to her phone call to Sami warning her about what EJ is up to. "What is it you're not telling me," asks Stefano.

Rafe answers and finds upset Nicole on the other end. She tells him EJ tried to kill her tonight so their little deal is off. Speaking of killing, Rafe kills the conversation. Actually, Rafe kills a lot of conversations. He says he can't talk now and hangs up. He turns and apologizes to Sami, "What's wrong? You're white as a ghost." Sami remembers EJ the way she left him with blood gushing out his temple, spewing from the gaping hole leading to the emptiness within.

Vivian paces in the crypt dictating, "Dear Melanie, this is just a quick note telling you I have made a spur-of-the-moment decision to see the world, which means I must go there and leave Pluto, where Salem is located. I don't have an itinerary and an international cell phone seems like a splurge in this economy, so I won't be in touch much, but don't worry about me since I'm used to being out of touch with reality, anyway."

"AHEM!"

Brady stands behind her and asks what she's doing there.

Stef 'n Ho arrive at the pier looking for the dingy to take them to the yacht, but da dingy gone. Victor steps up and announces he told the driver to come back later, "Hello, Kate. Poisoned anyone lately?" He says he has a bone to pick with Stefano because Stefano had one of Victor's shipments delayed. Stefano says he had another shipment that took precedence. Kate asks if Victor is going to retaliate. Victor flashes back to his conversation with Rafe about Nicole's broken-little-girl childhood and advising Rafe to pretend he's her white knight. "I believe I already have retaliated," says Victor.

Rafe asks Sami what's wrong. Since it's only a one-hour show Sami can't get to all of it, so she just tells him she had a nightmare. In some circles, this would be called lying.

Nicole interrupts with another call and lectures Rafe for hanging up on her. Nicole says she wants EJ in jail for trying to kill her. Most people might think he belongs in jail for failing to kill her. "If you don't charge EJ, then you don't need me as a witness and if I'm dead then that's one less problem for you, right?" She hangs up.

Rafe turns to Sami and tells her EJ went after Nicole and Nicole is scared. He tells Sami there is nothing to worry about.

Vivian wants to know if Brady came to visit Isabella. "No," says Brady, "I'm here for the Not-So-Grateful Dead concert." Vivian tells him about buying the sarcophagus for his mother. "You are the strangest person I have ever met," says Brady. Funny, I could have sworn he knew almost everyone in Salem. "I don't like the idea," says Brady, "I want you to get this frickin' thing outta here and leave my mom alone." Vivian is crestfallen.

Victor says, "I heard about the wedding-interruptus over at the DiMera mansion. And now you and the Mrs. are going on a little boat ride while poor, jilted Elvis stays at home crying in his champagne." Actually, bleeding in his champagne, but let's not nitpick. "What has she done to you, Stefano? You used to be a loving father. Now that you've violated the terms of our agreement, you'd best get back in line."

"Or what," chuckles Stefano. Maggie walks up. "OMG, Victor," says Stefano, "Now that's more punishment than you should heap on anyone."

Nicole paces, huffs and puffs. She pulls her hair out, picks up a glass and smashes it against the wall. Chloe and gratuitously shirtless Daniel come rushing out before Nicole can destroy the whole place. Daniel asks what's going on while Chloe notifies their insurance guy of the disaster. Nicole apologizes, goes into a Raferant, "I told him what happened and he doesn't care. If EJ stalks me and kills me Rafe can just cross me off his to-do list."

"EJ isn't going to kill you," insists Chloe, "If he comes in here, I'll start whining. That'll stop him in his tracks." Daniel heads back to bed. Chloe says, "I'm going to stay up with Nicole so we can have a little tea and girl talk." Well we knew for sure it wouldn't be adult woman talk.

Nicole says she thought losing Sydney was the worst thing that could ever happen to her, but at least she knows EJ is out of Sami's life and she hopes out of Sydney's, too, "But now he's concentrating on..."

"MEEEEEEEEE!"

Nicole whimpers, "What is there worth living for?"

Chloe asks, "If there is nothing worth living for, then why are you so worried about EJ killing you?"

Rafe and Sami are fused together. "I love you," says Sami. She moves in and kisses him.

And so, we leave this exciting episode where we started, panning across EJ's lifeless body and up to his brain where gray matter* oozes out of a gaping red hole.

*It might not be gray matter. I can't remember if Silly Putty is gray or not.

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