Lies Don't Stay In The Box

Nick meets up with Abby. He's walking on air and makes Abby guess what just happened, something he has wanted more than anything. It doesn't take Abby long to guess he Chelsea kissed him. "YES," says Nick, "I AM THE MAN!" Abby wants to know if it was a real kiss or like a kiss from aunt Maggie for Christmas. Nick contemplates Aunt Maggie's Christmas special, with slobber flying everywhere, "Eeeeeuuuuwwww, no. It was a mind-blowing, knee-buckling, lip-to=lip, life changing event."

Abby is just as tickled as if she'd gotten kissed.

Willow comes up to EJ and without introduction asks him for a job. EJ refuses, saying Shawn was a disloyal employee and he can't give his girlfriend a job. Willow says she isn't his girlfriend. But she is pregnant with Shawn's child and she really, really needs a job. EJ tells her his appointment has arrived, but asks her to stick around and maybe he can help her.

Sami has gone supernova. Lucas wants to know what's going on. He asks if all this means she doesn't want to get married. She tells him no, but she doesn't have time to explain. She just wants to scoop up Will and get outta Dodge. Lucas stops her and says, "I'd do anything for you. Just tell me what's got you so scared." Supernova goes hypernova.

Billie meets EJ. He tells her she looks delicious, but it's just business, of course.

"What nice manners you have," says Billie, "for a wolf."

"Wolves get very bad press," says EJ, "Don't believe everything you read in the newspapers, especially about me."

"I don't. Bo on the other hand..."

EJ figures out the meeting with Bo didn't go very well. Billie tells him Bo loved the product and was ready to go with it until he found out Myth-Ick was its backer. Billie wonders if the board will go for the proposal without Bo's testimonial.

"I don't know," says EJ, "If Bo would have endorsed it, the board would realize we could sell the product to any boob out there." EJ will talk to the board and see what happens. Billie suggests getting Roman to endorse the product but EJ vetoes it, "If Bo wouldn't endorse it because of me then Roman wouldn't either." EJ thinks Bo is close-minded, especially since a vacuum must be kept within a closed area. Billie says he still thinks EJ hired Patrick to kidnap Hope. EJ says if he were half as evil as Bo thinks he is, Bo would want to have Century Cell in his house to keep the boogeyman at bay.

Billie wonders if EJ has one of those boogymen on his payroll, so they could scare Bo into using the product. EJ chuckles and says that would be a good idea.

Sami babbles, blathers and bawls. Lucas can't figure it. He asks Sami if she really wants to yank Will out of high school, go to another town and start a new life. Sami figures that would make for a pretty full day, but it's still early. Lucas tells Sami she's been all over the map lately. He wonders if someone has threatened her, "You're scared of somebody and I think I know who it is – EJ Wells."

Abby wants every juicy detail. Nick tells her about the yodeling. If that didn't serve to loser he tells her their horneymones kicked in and that was all it took. Abby throws a wet blanket on the whole thing. She tells Nick she thinks Chelsea is just playing him to pay him back for the whole Shane Patton affair. Nick insists the brat is over it.

"No," says Abby, "She's still trying to get even with Roger Stubbins. He stole her lunch money in the first grade." Nick tells her she is wrong, but Abby insists he isn't her type. He's actually human. Abby thinks the brat needs someone who can protect her. Nick says he can do that. Abby tells him that's not the only thing. Trust is a bigger issue and he lied about Shane Patton. Nick says she's over that and he now has to tell her the truth about everything.

"Like what," asks Abby.

"Like the mother of all secrets."

Abby warns Nick he'd better keep that whopper to himself. Nick says he learned his lesson with the Shane Patton deal and he's not going to make that mistake again. He thinks the brat will be upset at first, but will calm down and forgive him after that.

EJ turns on the charm, "Myth-Ick's human resources reports show we currently have a bad-guy shortage." Billie laughs and suggests breaking into Bo's house herself. One burglary would make him want to use the mythic system. EJ says, "Billie Reed, I had no idea you were so devious."

"I used to be devious," says Billie, "But my law-breaking days are over."

"More the pity." Willow interrupts and tells EJ she is running out of time. Beggars can be choosers. EJ says he will get to her in a few minutes. She leaves and EJ fills Billie in on Willow's situation, "That's Shawn Brady's old girlfriend. She's pregnant and penniless, and I promised to help her find a job." Billie tells him to go ahead, because she has some calls to make anyway.

EJ goes up to Willow and tells her he has a job for her. This is just between the two of them. He takes her outside.

Sami wants to know why everything is always about EJ with Lucas. Lucas tells her it's because it is with her. Every time she sees him she gets crazy. Sami says EJ isn't the only reason she wants to leave town. Sami says she loves him. He says in that case she should tell him what's going on and he will do whatever it takes to help.

Sami bawls, "I can't."

"All right, fine," says Lucas, "Then I can't marry you."

EJ tells Willow Shawn will probably come to her rescue. Willow tells him about Shawn and Belle's excellent adventure. EJ figures they are probably dead if they jumped ship in the middle of nowhere.

"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna go to Australia," cries Claire.

"Shut up and keep swimming," says Belle.

EJ has a job for Willow. It's not much, it's only for a day, but it pays well. Willow decides it's better than nothing. "OK," says EJ, "Turn around." Willow obeys. "Now bend over says EJ." Willow bends as EJ scoots up behind her.

"I've had this job before," says Willow.

EJ takes out his checkbook and uses her back as a desk. He writes a check and hands it to her. Willow looks at it and says, "I thought this was just a day's employment."

"It is," says EJ.

"But this is two years' salary," says Willow, "What do you want me to do?"

"Something that shouldn't be much of a stretch for someone like you," says EJ, "I want you to break into somebody's house for me."

Nick and Abby argue about whether he should drop the Billie bomb on Chelsea. Nick says, "If I've learned one thing in the past, it's that lies don't stay in the box. If I tell her myself I still have a chance." He will do anything to keep her. Abby wonders if that includes ruining his relationship with Billie. "That's not what I want, but if that happens because I told the truth..."

Abby interrupts, ""Then it's not your problem, huh? What happened to you, Nick?"

"Brat poisioning."

Abby walks out on him.

Lucas doesn't want to go on with the lies. Sami just can't tell him. OH, GEEZ, SAMI! STOP WHINING AND TELL HIM FOR GOD'S SAKE! IF HE DUMPS YOU BECAUSE OF IT, WHY WOULD YOU WANT THE CREEP ANYWAY? IF HE SUPPORTS YOU, YOU'LL KNOW HE REALLY CARES FOR YOU. YOU'RE STARTING TO MAKE MIMI LOOK LIKE A GENIUS. Oh, sorry. There will be a short delay while I go take my Prozac.

Sami tells Lucas every time she screws up he takes back his love. Lucas says he didn't realize he does that. Both of his brain cells are too overloaded to remember important things like that. The whole conversation degrades as Sami spirals into the vortex of self-flagellation as Lucas attempts to play with less than a full deck. Sami blubbers, "Lucas, you can't ask me to bare my soul. If you love me, you just have to accept it." Lucas stares like Forrest Gump looking into an empty box of chocolates. Hey, with Shawn and Belle out of town, some couple has to carry the banner of idiocy.

Willow doesn't want to do a B&E and wind up having her baby in jail. EJ gives her details. He wants her to break into Ho and Dope's house and take Hope's jewelry. Willow isn't thrilled about the prospect of breaking into a cop's house. EJ waves the check in her face and reminds her of everything the money can buy for her and her baby, "Let's be honest, sweetheart. This isn't the first time you've broken the law." Willow decides to just look for a job in the want ads. "Yeah, forget it," says EJ, "I'll bet there are a lot of jobs out there for pregnant ex-hookers." He walks off. Willow stares.

Abby storms into Chez Rouge and dumps her problems on Maggie. After moments of confusion, Abby tells Maggie she's upset about Nick, not Max. She tells him Nick is about to ruin two people's lives. Maggie wonders why Abby can't stop him. Abby says she has tried, but Nick won't listen. "There must be someone who can get through to him," says Maggie.

That dim little bulb over Abby's head lights up. She tells Maggie she will come back and fold all the napkins later, but now she has to go, "And you are a genius."

Abby runs out and Maggie says, "If I am such a genius, why can't I make her see that Max Brady is bad news?"

EJ calls the YWCA and asks about its policy on children. The YWCA, it seems, is not a child-friendly place. That's all EJ needs to know. He tells the administrator he was calling about Willow Stark. The administrator knows Willow well. "Then," says EJ, "You must already know that she's pregnant." He folds his phone and smirks.

Nick rushes into Chez Rouge asking for Abby. Maggie tells him she is gone, but was upset at him. Maggie digs for details like a hungry hound after a bone but Nick says he can't tell her. Don' be tellin' Aunt Maggie you're keeping a secret from her. Maggie blows like Mt. St. Helens. Nick calms her down and tells her it's something from the past and no one got hurt, "In fact, one of the people involved actually wound up having a lot more confidence." He tells her Abby wants him to keep quiet about it and he can't do that.

"Nick," says Maggie, "Abby is a smart girl for a Horton. I'd think about her advice if I were you."

EJ comes back to Billie's table. She gets off the phone and tells him she was talking to her new geek/pool boy who is putting a PowerPoint presentation together for the board. It's probably necessary since Bo blew her off. EJ says Bo might change his mind as he looks out the window at Willow.

Abby bumps into Willow, who asks her if she can help get her job back at Chez Rouge. Abby reminds Willow of this thing called reality. She reels off a litany of Willow's sins, "You hurt my family and that's something we don't forgive."

"I am your family, Abby," says Willow, "I'm having Shawn's baby." The good times just keep rollin' in for Abby.

Lucas and Sami are back wading through the same mound of bulls... uh, goo. I'd suggest this is a good time to go fix those hot dogs for the kids' lunch, but this is so tedious, you'd probably never come back. So stick with it and make liberal use of the fast-forward button on your remote.

Lucas takes a knee, "We are in a house of God. It took him less time to create the heaven and earth than this storyline is taking."

The Lord God chimes in, "And I'm just as sick of it as everyone else."

The quivering bowl of Jell-o formerly known as Sami struggles to talk through her tears, "You're right. It was EJ. He was here while you were gone. He said..."

Celeste walks into the sanctuary, "Well, I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"I have something to tell you, Rex," says Mimi.

Willow assures Abby it's Shawn's baby. She says Shawn doesn't even care. Abby says that doesn't sound like Shawn. "I loved him," says Willow, "He was the first person who treated me like I have a brain."

"That's because, compared to Shawn, you are Einstein, Newton and Galileo all rolled into one." Abby seethes. Because of Willow, she may never get to see Shawn and his baby again. Claire, too. She runs off as Willow's cell phone rings. She's penniless, but gotta have that cell phone.

Uh-oh. It's Miss Ashwell from the Y, "We need to talk. I think we have a problem."

Nick has serial flashbacks. Talking to Abby. Talking to Maggie. The brat asking him never to keep secrets again. That tough final exam in Logic 302. He takes out his cell phone, "Hey, Chelsea, there is something I need to talk to you about. I'll be right over."

"I have something to tell you, Rex," says Mimi.

Miss Ashwell tells Willow she knows she is pregnant. Willow wants to know who ratted her out. Miss Ashwell's lips are sealed. The rat remains anonymous. She tells Willow, "We are not equipped to handle children. It's no coincidence that Belle has never stayed here. I wish there were another way." Willow folds her phone and looks inside the café. She heads for EJ. Hell hath no fury...

Speaking of ratting people out, Abby is inside telling Billie what Nick is up to. Billie decides she has to get to Nick before he blabs. She bolts, leaving poor Abby with the bill.

Willow rants at EJ for spreading his good cheer over at the Y. Now she needs a job, but decides she's not keeping Hope's jewelry. He hands Willow a post-dated check, which she can cash after the job is done. Willow wonders how he knows she will follow through.

"Because you're not an idiot. Only an idiot would lie to me. Shawn, for example, lied to me. Let me give you a friendly reminder. If you tell anybody about this conversation, then neither you nor your baby will make it through the year. Now, why don't you do me proud, eh?"

Billie intercepts Nick. She tells him she won't let him go anywhere near Chelsea. Billie rants about how she never knew Chelsea was alive until a couple of years ago. It's taken them a long time to build a relationship and she doesn't want to destroy it. Not only that, she simply won't allow Nick to go against her wishes. Sleeping with Nick was Billie's mistake and she will not let Chelsea pay for it, "She is my daughter and I will not have you tell her about us."

Nick says, "I'm sorry Billie, I need to do this." Nick leaves. Billie flails around for her cell phone, calls Chelsea and leaves a message for her to call ASAP.

Celeste came to light a candle for Alexandra. Lucas wants to continue their conversation. Sami craps out and tells him EJ was there to ask to be invited to the wedding. Lucas is too dumb to see through it. Sami claims hormones are ruling her life since she is pregnant. Lucas has a prescription for it – A chick-flick and a pound of chocolates. Lucas leaves while Sami goes up to light a candle and pray to the patron saint of stupidity.

Sami walks up to Celeste, "I need your help."

Celeste says, "I know. That's why I'm here."

Previews
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EJ says to Kayla, "Then I would be careful, because accidents can happen to people with the best of intentions."

Nurse Cratchet says, "I will let you out of this straight jacket under one condition – you have to be medicated." Patch says, "No freakin' way."

Nick says to Chelsea, "I couldn't have said it any better." Billie rushes in, "Nick! You didn't!"

Celeste says, "Your only solution is to get rid of him once and for all." Sami asks, "And how do I do that." Celeste says, "You kill him."