The Press Conference

Unfortunately, we've lost the DOOL satellite, perhaps permanently. While everyone who uses the feed is continuing to assess the situation, I am, in conjunction with Barb at the Salem Spectator, asking for a Canadian reader, or someone in the US who can receive the Canadian broadcast, to help by recording and uploading the show. That way, our blogs will remain at least a bit ahead in the US. If you think you can help Prevuze and other blogs, please contact me at prevuze@gmail.com. Thanks.

There was no DOOL broadcast yesterday in the US (or, as I understand it, in Canada) due to the press conference which all networks carried. As a result, I have no recap today. However, Prevuze, being the eclectic, worldly and all-encompassing blog that it is, (Translation: meddling) did cover the press conference from the perspective of the typical DOOL viewer. (In other words, I slept through it).

* * * * *
The crowd of reporters sits in anticipation and stares at the empty podium where, in just a few minutes, the leader will appear. Suddenly, Hail To The Cheat booms over the loudspeaker and the man himself walks down the long corridor and stands before the throng.

"I have no prepared remarks," says Mayor Abe Carver, "Preparing remarks is a lot of work and as Mayor I have vowed to do as little of that as possible. But mainly I didn't prepare opening remarks because, although I am a typical politician, I hate for people to hear me lying in public. With that, I'll throw it open to questions. I might even answer some of them."

In unison, several reporters shout, "MR. MAYOR!"

Abe leans over to an aide and whispers, "Do I actually have to pick one of those bozos?"

"It wouldn't look good if we just walked out, Mr. Mayor," says Smithers.

"Can I use the 'dartboard' method of choosing someone," asks Abe.

"No, Mr. Mayor," says Smithers, "The last time you did that, instead of throwing the dart at a dartboard, you threw it at the reporters and we had to continue the press conference at Salem Hospital."

Reluctantly, Mayor Abe makes his choice.

The reporter introduces herself, "Nicole Walker of Titan News. Last night, Mr. Mayor, although you weren't up for re-election, virtually every candidate you supported took what the President of the United States called a 'shellacking.' Do you interpret these results as a reflection on your own performance?"

"Not at all," booms Abe, "Shellack is for sissies. The good citizens of Salem always reserve tar and feathers for me."

The Mayor points at a familiar face in the back of the room.

The reporter says, "Tek Kramer... independent reporter. Mr. Mayor, do you plan any trips out of town without your smokin' hot uh... lovely wife in the near future?"

"It has been suggested," says Abe, "that I will be riding out of town on a rail with the aforementioned tar and feathers."

The Mayor makes another selection.

Mr. Mayor," says the reporter, "I'm Kinsey, cub reporter for Titan News."

"You're awfully young," says the Mayor, "How did you get this job?"

"I bribed Nicole," says Kinsey.

"Well," says Abe, "If you're involved in bribery, you might make a good politician someday. By the way, do you have a last name?"

"No," says Kinsey, "but they're working on it."

"Well," asks Abe, "What is your question Miss __________?"

"Mr. Mayor," asks Kinsey, "What is your vision for the city of Salem?"

"That's an easy one," says Abe, "I see a toy store on every corner, free candy, every kid gets a pony, all day recess at school and at Christmas, it will be illegal to give a kid socks."

"May I ask another question," asks Kinsey.

"You just did," says the Mayor, "But continue anyway."

"Well," says Kinsey, "I'm a mindless teen, but even I can see that's not a very realistic program. So, with all due respect, Mr. Mayor, WTF?"

"Well," says Hizonner, "You asked for my vision, didn't you?"

"Yes..."

"So don't forget," says Abe, "I have the eyes of Zack Brady, a six-year-old child."

With that, Smithers leans over and whispers, "Mr. Mayor, do you realize the TV coverage of this press conference just pre-empted Days Of Our Lives?"

The Mayor nearly faints, "Oh, sh*t."

Smithers asks, "Mr. Mayor, do you realize you're still speaking into an open microphone?"

"Oh, sh*t."

Mayor Abe glances into the audience and sees torches and pitchforks as the townsfolk shout, "DOOL! DOOL! DOOL!"

Smithers says, "Mr. Mayor, I know it is your custom at the end of a press conference to spew enough hot air to create another 'balloon-boy' incident, but in this case, I think you should cut things short."

In the background, Lynyrd Skynyrd sings 'Gimme Three Steps' as Abe makes a break for it.

The crazed crowd follows. In the back of the room, someone is heard to shout, "Don't forget the tar and feathers!"

Reporter Tek Kramer hangs back. He takes out his cell phone and makes a call, "Hello, Lexie? What are you doing this evening?"

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